I Am Not Physically Attracted to My Boyfriend. Can We Possibly Have a Future Together?

Hi Evan, I am in a very tricky situation and don’t know what to do, I found your web site and your advice are great. I hope you will answer my question, I need your precious advice too. I met a man online a few months ago, and, to make a long story short, we met, we are a great match intellectually/emotionally. I am concerned sometimes he is too attached to me and the way he started to make long term plans with me quite soon, but this isn’t a real problem.

The real problem is that I don’t find him attractive. He is not ugly but I don’t like his features and overall appearance. Physically, I find he is not a “match” for me and I am not proud of being so shallow. I don’t know what to do because other than that he is just perfect and I like him very much, he makes me feel very good. But I am not sure if I should be making plans with a man I don’t feel much attraction for. I decided to tell him the truth about my feelings and he said he will take all the steps necessary to improve himself physically as he doesn’t want to lose me. I am torn. Is he really the man of my life if physically I don’t like him the way he is?

Thanks you so much for your help. Mia

Making a life-long decision based on attraction is like getting a tattoo with someone’s name on your back and breaking up four months later

Mia, I can’t answer your question, because NOBODY can answer your question. Attraction is the big X Factor in any relationship. When you have it, you don’t think twice about it. When you don’t have it, it’s hard to overcome. Which would seem to indicate that you should break up with your boyfriend. Not so fast. I’ve put a lot of thought into the pros and cons of how much you should weigh the lack of physical attraction in a relationship. I urge you to consider this before taking any rash steps.

Reasons for Staying Together Despite a Lack of Physical Attraction

Ask most long-term married couples about the relative importance of sex in their lives, they will generally say things like “It’s the dessert, not the main course”. And it’s true. It’s just hard to consider that when you’re 27. But realize that in 10 years, you’re 37, raising little ones and your life is no longer your own. By 47, your bodies have thickened and drooped. By 57, you’re probably finishing menopause and his libido is largely gone. By 67, you’re thinking of retirement, travel and grandkids. By 77, you’re hoping just to stay healthy, and … Can you see how making a decision based on attraction is a perfect example of short-term thinking? Like getting a tattoo with someone’s name on your back and breaking up four months later. The truth is that life lasts for a REALLY, REALLY long time.

And yet we base our relationship decisions on evanescent emotions like lust, passion, and chemistry. Fact: In relationship studies, traditional “attraction” wears off within 18-24 months of dating. This probably corresponds to what you’ve experienced in real life – namely, that it’s hard to get “excited” about someone with whom you’ve been intimate for two years straight. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible, but if you ask most married couples, the nature of sex changes. Sure, you might be that rare “three times a night” couple well into your fifties, but most of those clichés about parents not having time or energy for sex are true.

We’re attracted to what we’re attracted to – often to our own detriment.

So if life becomes more about responsibility, friendship, compatibility and all those other “boring” things that old married couples cite, how much emphasis should we put on physical attraction in our 20’s/30’s? It is no secret that compatibility is a stronger predictor of relationship health than chemistry. Yet chemistry is what we chase – somehow hoping that it turns into compatibility as well. It rarely does. Look at your most “passionate” relationships. Where are they now? Exactly. Yet we can’t help ourselves. We’re attracted to what we’re attracted to – often to our own detriment. Which is how men end up with hot crazy women and women end up with hot emotionally unavailable men.

This isn’t my opinion. This is life. Just look around. Does this mean that you should stay with your amazing boyfriend even if you don’t feel attracted? Ah, if it were only that simple…

Reasons to Break Up Because of a Lack of Physical Attraction

As you know, sexual attraction rarely grows over time. With men, this almost never happens. With women, it tends to be correlated to her feelings about her partner. However, this is presuming a steady baseline of attraction from which to grow. If there is NO attraction to start, there’s not even any room to go down. That’s a rough proposition for you to endure with a boyfriend. Thus, it’s impossible to convince you to give a shot to someone you’re purely NOT attracted to. No rational thinking is going to overcome your genetic and cultural biases.

So we discriminate on age and height and weight and dozens of minute details of which we may not even be aware. Then there’s the Paradox of Choice. We dissect others physically, although none of us wants to be dissected physically as well. I can explain this phenomenon – as author Barry Schwartz did for a few hundred pages in his amazing book, but, at the end of the day, we can’t help ourselves. As noted dating guru David DeAngelo says, “Attraction is not a choice”. We’re still going to crave choice and variety, and something approximating societal ideas of perfection, however unrealistic this might be.

In a good relationship, sex is the dessert, not the main course

If you doubt this yourself, go to an online dating site and make a list of your “favorites”. Odds are, they’re going to be among the most physically attractive singles on the site. That doesn’t mean that you don’t care about who they are as people – what they do, what they earn, what they believe – but it all starts with attraction. The problem is that when we compare people side by side, great catches often lose out. Why respond to the 5’5″ guy when there are six-footers out there? Why go out with the heavyset person when you can write to a lean model-type? Why go out with the 45-year-old when you can try the 29-year-old? Once again, this isn’t my opinion. 20/20 did a study years ago in which women were more likely to date a cute 6’1″ plumber than a 5’4″ heart surgeon/concert pianist. But hey, you can’t help what you’re attracted to.

That doesn’t mean you’re shallow – no more than anyone else. It just means you’re human. The other long-term thing to consider about why it’s important to have attraction is that in a monogamous relationship, there’s only ONE person with whom you’ll be having sex for the rest of your life. In that case, well, you’d BETTER have some measure of attraction. Anything less is a recipe for wandering eyes and future infidelity.

Which brings us to the moment of truth. You know that sex is the dessert and not the main course…but you know that this is the only person you’ll ever be with again. You know that companionship is more valuable than lust over 40 years…but you know that attraction is important and won’t get better over time. So should you stay or should you go if you’re not that physically attracted to your partner? It all comes down to your own internal compromise mechanism. Because there’s a difference between observing that your boyfriend’s got a paunch and being physically repulsed by him. Only you can decide. If you’re turned OFF by him, the whole thing’s a non-starter.

You’re not doing yourself (or him) any favors by staying with him if he has no ability to excite you. However, if he’s somewhere in the broader spectrum – somewhere between a 5-7 on the attraction scale, you may want to think twice before you toss him back in the sea. First, ask yourself if he – or another man – could dissect YOU physically as well. How about emotionally? Intellectually? It’s simple to find fault with others, but there’s a certain grace and wisdom in loving people in spite of their flaws, just as you’d like to be loved in spite of yours.

We often underestimate how rare it is to find someone who loves us unconditionally

Second, ask yourself if your boyfriend – despite your middling attraction for him – can make up for it in bed. If he’s energetic, passionate, and devoted to your pleasure, he may be more valuable to your love life than someone who is more aesthetically pleasing with the lights on. Finally, ask yourself if you can do appreciably better. We often underestimate how rare it is to have a partner who loves us unconditionally.

Very often, the second you assume the grass is greener is the second you may find yourself in an exciting new romance…with a guy who only texts you once a week. Attraction is an intensely personal choice and is fundamental to maintaining a healthy sex life. But don’t lose sight of the fact that you’re better off with a 7 in attraction and a 10 in compatibility, than you are with a 10 in attraction and a 4 in compatibility.

Warmest wishes,

Much love,


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  1. 61

    Doesn’t it depend on your goals?  I mean, if your goal is a long term loving relationship then absolutely, attraction is less important than compatibility. But I identified with one writer here, who brought up he subject of sex.  Why should you ‘grin and bear it’ for the sake of a relationship? Isn’t that what women had to do before liberation?
    So if sexual compatibility and emotional compatibility are rare things to have at the same time in a relationship, does that mean in general we all have to choose? And ultimately we ‘should’ choose the one that helps us be in a long term relationship?
    Is the alternative a string of passionate affairs?  I mean, that’s not a bad alternative, but how often do you find passion? Enough to have a string of passions?
    I am in the same situation, by the way. I just met a really really lovely chap who I spent the whole day with yesterday and didn’t look at my watch once. But I don’t think I’m attracted to him. We also had a great conversation about the transience of modern dating and relationships.
    I only want to sleep with people I feel strongly about, whether that’s passion or affectionate love. However that is a ‘want’ and not a need.  We think about ourselves altogether too much these days. It’s a positive thing to subjugate your needs to another. The problem lies in where one compromises, and who one compromises for.
    Do you compromise the needs of your brain or your body? Do you compromise for an attractive person, or a wonderful, intelligent, generous and funny human being? The answer’s obvious isn’t it?
    Ultimately, you can’t force yourself to like someone’s crap personality, but your physical attraction to someone is within the limits of your control. The mind is a powerful thing.
    Then again, if the thought of sleeping with him makes you shudder….I mean, no amount of positive thinking is going to get past that.
    What a long comment! Sorry.

  2. 62

    Sorry, I guess I missed off my final conclusion. Rebecca made an excellent point and I agree wholeheartedly.  Sex is massively important.  Women have the right to be sexually fulfilled and this benefits everyone – men are unhappy when their women are dissatisfied.
    Doesn’t this still boil down to the idea that women trade sex for ‘protection’?
    My point is, if you are bent on being in a long term relationship then, sure, make the transaction and this will happen sooner.  But what’s the point of a long term relationship? To have kids? To have enduring companionship? For me, marriage/commitment isn’t an end in itself but a consequence of life and meeting fantastic people.  If you meet someone who you feel you can’t live life without then great. Don’t want to shag them? Don’t. Do want to shag them? Do.
    By the way, great article and debate.

  3. 63

    I think personality and attraction should be complemented…Is of is missing it can be difficult, that is when cheating comes…

  4. 64
    No ones perfect

    Honestly i think you should really think about what your saying. you two are compatible in every other way, so what happens if u break up with this guy because u cant get passed the thought of being with someone better looking then him and once hes gone and you start looking for that perfect guy and u realize there isn’t one because no ones perfect we all have our flaws if its in personality or looks. If u feel his personality and everything on the inside is great for u then u really need to consider what ur thinking about giving up, u cant be so sure you will find that in another man and honestly looks fade but if ur compatible on the inside thats what counts the type of love that grows from that is what last forever. you shouldn’t try to change who he is it’s great that he loves you enough to change anything he can for you 🙂 but you should love him flaws and all for everything he is im sure ur not completely perfect cuz no one is and it obviously doesn’t bother him. your not the only one thats had these thoughts but its honestly a point of growing up and realizing what really counts, even the movie starts on TV aren’t perfect don’t make any rash decisions before considering everything

  5. 65

    The comments to this were interesting for me to read because I’m was in the same place as Mia. On paper I had the ideal boyfriend. Sweet, loving, told me how much he loved me everyday, bought me flowers, opened doors for me, and did everything he could within his power to make me happy. He was a rare guy. Yet despite it all I was not attracted to him. I forced myself to kiss him, sex was miserable for me because I didnt want to have it, I only did it because I knew he wanted to.
    I’m sorry but I think Evan is wrong. I dont think a boyfriend needs to be eligible to be on GQ magazine, but there HAS to be something YOU find attractive about him. Maybe it’s his cute little nose, his smooth hands, SOMETHING. Because if there isnt you’ll be miserable. A great personality is wonderful, but if you have to force yourself to be intimate with your boyfriend you’re helping no one.
    All the same, you said you liked him, but do you love him?

    1. 65.1


      You are 100% correct. Bravo to you for doing the right thing. In this case, Evan is wrong. Compatibility is important but so is attraction. They are both important.

  6. 66
    Karl R

    Kari said: (#65)
    “I’m sorry but I think Evan is wrong. I dont think a boyfriend needs to be eligible to be on GQ magazine, but there HAS to be something YOU find attractive about him. […] Because if there isnt you’ll be miserable.”
    Evan said:
    “You’re not doing yourself (or him) any favors by staying with him if he has no ability to excite you. However, if he’s […] somewhere between a 5-7 on the attraction scale, you may want to think twice before you toss him back”

    How is what you’re saying any different from what Evan’s saying?

  7. 67

    Wow, where was this when I needed it 7 months ago? This is definitley a great thread. For me I was with the sweetest, most thoughtful man in the world. He wasn’t my type initially but he swept me off my feet with a worldwind courtship. On paper, he fit my type perfectly but mirror was, he was not what i thought i would be with. Sex was fine at the beginning but 2 years later, I started to hate it, even cry when it was over. I felt guilty for not loving it and felt horrible that I had to endure it while not liking it. So after a total of 4 years together, I ended it. Shortly after the break up, I reconnected with an old love and had the best sex of my life. In comparison, face wise this guy was a few notches better looking but in all other areas of our relationship he sucked. He’s not financially responsible, lacks job security, 2 child support cases, 5 kids…i can go on and on…BUT…the relationship in the sheets was near perfection…can you guess where i am now? A crossroads. I miss the stability of being with the not so attractive guy. I’m now contemplating going back with him because,other than the sex, i miss everything about him. Now that I know what’s important, i want the old guy back. Think he’ll have me? If so, is there anything I can do to improve the sex…I’d hate to be back where I started…

  8. 68

    I found the man who I think I’m goin to marry at age 41. He’s 45 and very very good to me. He’ll do anything for me and loves me beyond words.
    He’s not a bad lookin guy, I can see from his old pics he was a hottie. Now at 45, he has a pot belly and is getting bigger every day. He wants to eat healthy ever since I met him.
    I don’t know if it’s b/c my libido’s been low or what, buy he is unbelievably attracted to me and I’m just blah.
    When it comes down to it, like some of you say, looks fade. He’s a wonderful lover. How can I know if it’s libido or lack of attraction for him?

    1. 68.1

      I hear you loud and clear. Bit older than you, hormones toasted my libido and am now wondering is it him or is it me?

  9. 69

    I have read every coment on here so far and most people are saying pretty much the same thing. I tackle with this myself on both sides, 1 because Im a bigger guy, and Im at the age where most of the women in my age bracket has let themselves go. Im a bigger guy but in no way “beta” and depending on what time of the year you catch me, I could be in pretty decent shape…I pride myself as far as the clothes I wear and keep myself groomed. and I have a youthful look (which sometimes I find younger women being attracted to me).  in my age bracket, most of the women are ussually divorced and to the point where life has overwhelmed them and it shows in everything from their style of dress, hair, and overal physical appearance and sometimes thier views on things and personality.
    now I know that there are women out there that like bigger men and there are some that like leaner men. because of my personality, I ussually dont have a problem meeting  women or dating. but when I do meet that woman that really want a leaner guy, im usually able to pick this up pretty quick.
    something someone above said that is very true, your attractiveness, or your percieved attractiveness to a person does very much indeed play on how that person treats you. like Ive said, depending on the time of year you meet me, I may be in pretty decent shape, compared to other times where I might just looke like I need to hit the gym. so  I see those differences in treatment…sometimes with the same people.
    I know that was long but yes your attraction to a person matters and you cant really force it.
    the origional poster’s boyfriend should have broken up with her as soon as she explained her delima to him.
    and the whole “dont change yourself…they should like me the way I am” is a big lie, I really wish peope would stop thinking like that. Ive met and dated a LOT of people in my life and there are a lot of people out there that need changing…wether it be personality, attitude, apearance…and ussually the ones that need changing the most feel the strongest about the myth I mentioned above…and will probably remain single or habitually divorced thier whole lives.
    another thing I noticed is since the popularity of the internet, social websites, and online dating. a lot of people are putting themselves in “classes” that they do not belong, like another person above mentioned…you see a lot of “5’s” looking for “10’s” and thinking “7’s and 8’s” arent good enough. This happens because “especially for women” reguardless what you look like, everyone is going to tell you, you are hot…because they want sex or is just being polite…where as before that forum, you just wouldnt say anything unless yo are attracted to that person…the “5’s” wouldnt be approached by anything other than other “5’s” unless they had a repretation of being “easy”

  10. 70

    Im in the same situation & I understand how hard it is, the guy I’m with is amazing in everyday he supports me financially & gives me a wonderful lifestyle & am very comfortable but I feel no attraction to him & I can’t imagine waking up next to him everyday for the rest of my life..my advise is you need to have the sexual attraction/ connection & I guess when ita right you will know.

    1. 70.1
      say that again

      in everyday he supports me financially & gives me a wonderful lifestyle….

      When a woman says this i take the morning flight.

      I aint supporting no more grown ups.Hey you can keep the sex.

      Its all good by me.

  11. 71

    My perception of a man’s appearance depends upon my mood.  I met one guy and when I saw him the first time I saw a short man (same height as me) with a big nose and a receeding forehead and glasses and although there was nothing repulsive about him, I didn’t feel like he was especially attractive. A few weeks later, I thought he was the most gorgeous, perfectly proportioned man I had ever met and even the hair on his back and shoulders (which has always been a turn-off for me) was somehow endearing.

    The man I am involved with now is very handsome and most people comment on that when they see him or his photo. I KNOW he is the classic, “tall, dark and handsome” man, but when my heart is closed from being angry or hurt (if he has “acted ugly” to me), he doesn’t look so hot.

    BTW, I am at least 60 lbs overweight and I feel so lucky that these 2 handsome guys found me attractive despite my flaws. My ex-husband lost all attraction to me after I had gained weight.

    I’m with Evan, that looks are and should be secondary to compatability. It is part of the big picture and if you love someone, they should always be attractive “enough”.

  12. 72

    I’m currently seeing someone that I was hesitant about at first, admittedly because of looks.  I’ve had those ‘fireworks’ before when you can’t get enough of someone but the relationship outside of the bedroom was a nightmare.  There is something to be said for someone who is loving, kind, treats me extremely well and seems to think the world of me (and says so often).  But I never thought of him as repulsive, just not the best looking guy and a bit older than me.  And over time our connection has become deeper and he’s definately grown on me.  So I definately think you should consider how important their positive traits are to you vs. what bothers you.

  13. 73

    I do believe you must have a physical attraction to someone to be with them long term, but sometimes the way someone makes you feel can boost the inital un-attractiveness and make them more attractive in the end. It is true that looks fade away with time, but it is also important to have that initial attraction, a small reminder when remembering what made you take that big step with eachother. I don’t think it’s shallow, because if you feel insecure introducing your mate to friends because he’s not exactly your type it probably won’t work.You have to feel confident in your mate. You have to know what you want and not settle for less than that or you may end up hurting more than just yourself. I think he deserves a chance at trying if he makes you feel good, and is willing to make changes for you….but if after all of that you still have doubts and insecurities about it, you should save yourself and him the trouble. Let him off easy and don’t feel bad about it, in the end you did both of you a favor. Best of luck =)

  14. 74

    I have read everything here eagerly and relate to the original person’s situation so much. Over the past few months I have been in a kind of intimate “texting friendship” with a very young man I wasn’t able to physically get together with until last month (that aspect of it is a long story…) He’s in his late teens, very sweet and, yes, immature. We met online. He was very hooked on me sexually in a way that I was NOT hooked on him. It did feel one-sided, but i had no one else, and I loved the thought of COMMUNITY and STABILITY. He texted me all day and every day and told me how much he loved me. For me he was a “safe” person: I felt no obsession with him, no rush, and i took that as a good thing. When we finally slept together it was cuddly and warm and sweet–I felt no passion. Sex was even a chore, and i saw him sulking. His ethnicity, his face, body etc…it made my heart sink, and he was clingy, needy and demanding. I did like his voice. I was attached to him in an odd way… Months of texting! He is young and in the closet and still confused. He “chose” me..and i went along with it, and was willing to go on. But the gay world (even for people in the closet) is a WILD WEST world, and with amazing speed he met someone else online and fell in love with someone else. He texted me less, I knew something was up, and yet he said “I love you as a friend” and was eager to keep on going in some strange way. He sent me crying emoticons, and he sobbed on the phone when I told him I wouldn’t call or text him again–though an occasional email would be ok. I did mean a lot to him but he’s so young and needy and likes people 30 years older so of course, the way the market works, Im not surprised it was so easy for him to find someone else. If that hadn’t happened, I would have stuck with him and tried. I say “tried” but i think honestly there was too much missing. I don’t think i could validate him in the way he (and everyone) needs to be validated. i will never forget his sobs when I cut him off, after he’d met someone new. The attention i got from him felt good because he was different from the “silent shut-down” distant dudes I usually love. When I found out he had someone new, though, he was taking away his mail attraction: his devotion to me. He sobbed and I almost did, too. He heard the panic in his voice, but i left the conversation.

  15. 75


    I still believe it takes mucho chemistry and mucho attraction to be the big wonderful love that we all crave, but there are other relationships that are important and lasting.  Relationships built on trust and security and peace.

    I will always love someone else, but I am in a committed relationship with another.  I also love myself more, because I am not giving all of my love to my partner.  It beats loving someone else too much.

    How much you love the other person will be the determining factor in the success of the relationship.  If you love them too much it is a recipe for disaster.

  16. 76

    wow, i had no idea that so many other women are in the same boat as i am… im currently in a relationship with a man who is more than twenty years my senior. hes very much a gentleman, very generous and loving, and always has my best interests in mind. and although the sex is pretty good, i just do not find myself physically attracted to him. its not the age difference, becauseive always been attracted to older guys…ive just always preferred men to be on the taller, leaner and more light complected side. my partner is short, overweight and unfortunately starting to lose his hair.  i feel completely superficial even bringing this up, but it does bother me sometimes. hes even asked me what it was that initially attracted me to him, since he knows that hes not my type. he says that when we go out in public, people see him, and figure that there must be something special about him since he ended up with someone like me. i notice those looks too, but i dont care what people think because i love him and know how deeply he cares for me. but every now and then, i cant help but wish that he were better looking…its that simple. sad but true. 

  17. 77
    Katarina Phang

    Gem, I had that experience in my first LTR.  No matter how much I loved him I always had doubt in me about marrying him.  What if I met someone I fell head over heels in love with?  So I didn’t marry him.

    Don’t do that to him.  It won’t last without chemistry.  There will always be something missing in your relationship.  Leave now before it becomes so entangled and complicated emotionally. 

  18. 78

    I feel the same way. I have been with my partner for three years. The beginning was fireworks and then I came to realize that when it came to life goals we were a little off. For example, I wanted to work towards having a family and home and professionally he didn’t know how to go that. My attraction for him lessened and it has affected out sex life ever since. He is a good egg, most definitely and three years later he has finally shown me that he does want the same future; however, it took him so long that possibly I resented him. Sex is not as easy. I’d rather go else were but I know I have a good egg.

  19. 79

    This advice would be much better if Dan Savage gave his input. In any case, if you are not remotely attracted to a person, entering into a relationship with sexual expectations is utterly foolish.  This would be a complete non-starter for me. 

  20. 80

    Don’t do it Mia. I have been in the exact same position. EXACT. I met him online, we bonded deeply before we met. I was not attracted to him physically, not at all. To be truthful it was starting to gross me out how fat and lazy he was. I told him because i felt if i didn’t it would be a deception. He actually appreciated my honesty, he said “I’m not attracted to me so how can i expect you to be.” He vowed to work on his appearance. He didn’t get very far in those efforts, but i did notice that he  tried to pull down my self esteem telling me that i was the oldest woman he had dated in recent times and he doesn’t usually date women my age. I being 12 years his junior.
     The lesson is attraction is important. It is fundamental and should be mutual. It was placed there by nature to release all those hormones and brain chemicals that lead to fierce love. You are robbing yourself of true happiness. You CAN have it all.  I tried to be less shallow and ‘more mature’ by dating someone who physically repulsed me; only to realize that I was not being shallow at all. I was finally honest with myself about what I wanted and needed to be happy. 

  21. 81

    I am shocked to see so many women in the same situation… but at the same time also understand women are only following their natural instinct of wanting protection.  I think with the new found freedom women have encountered; being able to fend for themselves gave us a false sense of belief that we can have it all.  I don’t think we can; if we want to have a family someday.  And once this realization sets in, so does reducing our desires in finding a good looking and successful man.  We end up settling for the Nice Guy who can provide enough.  And I am on the very same path now… I just pray to God that I will love him in time to make this work because I really don’t find him sexually attractive at all.  Sigh.

    1. 81.1
      say that again

      but he will cheat on you if you start frustrating him sex-wise.

      That is what many men do.

      If it were me and i found that you just in it for dependence on me i would kick you out faster than a hell fire missile.  And you would probably be holding few kids in your hands. You really should talk to my ex for some advice before you take on such a dangerous mission.

  22. 82

    Wow, it seems like lots of people are facing the dilemma I went through. I had a husband who was kind and loving and magazine handsome–tall and muscular etc etc. Unfortunately we just never managed to make it work between the sheets. I spent years trying because he was my best friend and we did everything together. I am still heartbroken that we split up, but in the end I felt there was a wall of ice between us and that I was getting more and more frozen and distant from myself and from him, the longer I stayed in that relationship. I tried to work it out, we went to counselling, but I came to realise it was something of himself that he was always holding back. I honestly felt I was dying inside. By the end I would have sex with him almost crying because it felt so like prostitution, doing it against my will and because he wanted too.

    Then later I met someone else. He has a big belly, he’s short, he has some features I like but he’s just not conventionally goodlooking. What bowls me over is his personality–he’s ambitious, driven, perfectionist–hard sometimes to be with but he also really tries in bed. He doesn’t have much time to be solicitous and caring like my ex. Even so, for four years now sex has been dynamite, and this at an age (I’m 45) when women often feel like they are being neglected for younger models. I can say that, though I miss the companionship and attention I had from my ex a lot, I also feel a closeness to my new man which is a source of bliss. There is definitely something on the sexual level which has to work for the relationship to work, long term. And no, it’s not to do with looks, or attentiveness, but as many posters have said, the self-respect that underlies them.  I wasted such a lot of my life trying to make a relationship work and I now wish that despite the pain I had split up earlier with my husband (once I realised it was something over which I had no control) and not hung in waiting for things to improve. I still love my ex and I see him a lot; I miss the life we had together but I can’t imagine going to bed with him at all.

  23. 83

    I think the most valid point to this whole ordeal is that if you do not want a wandering eye throughout the relationship and hurt the guys feelings it is a whole lot better to end the relationship. And eventhough the lust and the sexual heat dissipates throughout time you’ll have the memory of having lived a complete and full loving experience with both sex and love.  You might also think that he is perfect right now but he is courting you and with time you will realize that he has flaws just like you and if you don’t have feelings for him (females tend to connect sexual attraction with their feelings) you will become even more indifferent.  Nature poses a lot of problems to us and most of the time we are attracted to the unavailable types.  However the trick is to find the attractive available one or to seduce him so well he actually does become available (Not talking about the married man here but of the promiscuous bachellor).

    People say that men are hunters but women are too and nature programmed us to want the best possible mate to have the best possible children.  

  24. 84

    Honestly if you have absolutely no physical attraction for this man then you can’t be with him, its just impossible. How can you kiss him if you’re not attracted to him? I’m not saying looks are everything, but you do have to be attracted to him. For example, I’ve had a couple not-so-hot boyfriends but I was still attracted to them. I think your problem is that you’ve known him for a long time without seeing him face-to-face, you need some time to get used to seeing him right there in front of you. You need time to start building the relationship up again from zero, good luck 😛

  25. 85

    Each time I visit this site, and read yet another heartbreaking letter, usually from a woman who could not get a boyfriend, a proposal, or a husband, I feel very sad. Not because she couldn’t get a man, but rather, because, more often than not, she has been the one unwittingly sabotaging her relationships.
    Imagine this woman who “likes” her boyfriend but does not “feel sexual attraction”. I do hope she realizes that sexual feelings are often dormant in many women, until a man applies the proper stimuli. 
    Unfortunately, many women are going to end up single and alone for the rest of their lives. This is not because men don’t want them, but because they have believed the feminist lies, and shut themselves away from meaningful relationships.

    1. 85.1

      So if you assert that these men who are with these women are not applying proper sexual stimuli, are you saying they are sexually inept? Because you kind of make the leap from that to the feminist lies. While I think the feminist movement has done both good and bad things, that doesn’t address the first assertion you make.

    2. 85.2

      John, Have to partially disagree. I have been extremely sexually attracted to some men that have yet to touch me. “Proper” stimuli? Masturbation does that job!

  26. 86

    So John…what are these “feminist” lies?

  27. 87

    OMG! Im even more confused now! I have the same problem + I am in a distant relation ship for a year now. I was with him for a year before I leave and I still can not break up with him since I love his personality!!
    I shoudl add that he is not repulsive for me in any way, I have just never felt that hot in bed with him:(

  28. 88

    From your blog and from life, I get the impressing that if a man can stir your sexual desire, he won’t be very commited.  There are two types of men:
    – men who settle for relationships because they aren’t as sexually attractive
    – men who are sexually attractive to MOST women and use it to their advantage

    Biology kind of supports this theory.  I guess all of the historical emphasis on a woman’s virtue was to keep her away from the sexually desirable men so she doesn’t know what she’s missing.

    1. 88.1

      Yes, and you know, in some countries women are forced to have the clitoris removed to be considered “marriage material.”  For fear that the women may stray because of sexual desire.  I had forgotten about this before I read your comment! These values are manifested in various ways in all cultures…..sad…..

  29. 89

    My advice is run while you can.  My best friend met a man who she found REPULSIVE.  She couldnt even bring herself to kiss him.  But he’s successful, makes quite a lot of money, they are a match intellectually etc.  So she agreed to be with him and he talked her into having sex with him though she had to be practically drunk everytime they had sex.

    Anyway eventually the relationship didnt work out and although they havent spoken in months, to this day she is still haunted by his disgusting breath, his disgusting mannerisms and his repulsive demeanor and she cant get the thought of his slimy hands on her body out of her head.  

    Who knows what kind of therapy she needs now.  Hes gone but what remains is the disgusting afterfeel of having slept with someone like that.  Dont do it. 

    1. 89.1


      A lot of women make the same decision and same trade off that your friend made. I don’t look down on her or you at all. It is all a matter of decision and free adults have the right to make whatever decisions they want to make. Everyone is responsible not only for their decisions but also the consequences for your decisions.

      Where I disagree with you is your statement that “So she agreed to be with him and he talked her into having sex with him…” If a girl is dating a guy, what is wrong with him wanting to have sex with his girlfriend? I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with this at all. If she is “haunted” by his physical appearance, she has nobody to blame but herself. If she was really so turned off by him, she shouldn’t have dated him. She is the one who made the decision to have a relationship with this guy and have sex with him. Why is the guy suddenly the bad guy?

  30. 90

    It never ceases to amaze me, that highly intelligent, well educated, smart women would readily complain about true love, simply because it does not come in the right packaging, and choose a well packaged fake. 
    Here is a woman who is not “physically attracted” to a man who treats her well, is emotionally available to her, and is willing to make any adjustments necessary to preserve their relationship. How else would you describe the term “commitment”? After all, women complain all the time that men don’t want to commit. Here is one that is willing and ready to do so, and what does he get in return? “He is too attached to me” speech. “I am not physically attracted to you” speech. What nonsense.
    In my lifetime, I have sometimes realized that attraction sometimes develop SUDDENLY when I am about to lose something or someone. I hope this guy takes a step back, and becomes emotionally distant for a while so that this woman will realize what she is missing.

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