My Husband Openly Talks About Other Attractive Women To Me

My Husband Openly Talks About Other Attractive Women To Me

Dear Evan,

I have been married for two years. I am 26 years old and my husband is 12 years older than me. He is very nice to me and always tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. He loves me. He seems to know what to say to me most of the times.

Now, here is the problem… We are both going to separate colleges.  The problem is that at the end of the day when he tells me about his daily class events, he goes on and on about this hot, extremely hot, f#$$g hot, sultry looking girl in one of his classes… His friends tell me how “he is married, but not dead” and “there is nothing wrong with noticing other women”!! He also tells me that he can fantasize about his cute 30 years old teacher… I asked him if he ever found me ‘sultry’? His response was just plain ‘NO’. He told me that I was beautiful and very sexual, but never sultry. 

What is your opinion about this whole mess? I AM a jealous person, but I try to control my jealousy. I try very hard to not show anger, but I really don’t feel loved. I don’t want to tell him that he can’t come talk to me about other females (well, I see other guys too in my school but I don’t go on and on about them when I get home. I desire my husband and no other man)

What do I do?  How do I talk to him about this?

Jazz

Dear Jazz,

Your husband’s biggest problem isn’t that he’s a loser who will most certainly cheat on you one of these days (although an argument can certainly be made). No, your husband’s big problem is that he has an extraordinarily big yap which lands him somewhere in that gray area between insensitive and stupid.

I’m going to take this moment to strike a hard line in defense of LYING. Yes, LYING. Because right now, ladies and gentlemen, you are hearing a first-hand account of the devastation wreaked by a man who can’t help but to TELL THE TRUTH. Because, to be perfectly blunt with you, Jazz, his friends are 100% right. He IS married but not dead. There IS nothing wrong with noticing other women. Where your husband comes up incredibly short – as if he were somewhat autistic – in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Where your husband comes up incredibly short – as if he were somewhat autistic – in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Now, we’ve tackled this before here. And my sentiments, controversial though they may seem, remain the same. Flirty people flirt. It’s a personality trait, not a choice. Still, there ARE societal boundaries to be maintained, and there are certainly sensitivities that have to be considered. And your husband is failing on every account. Factor in your innate jealousy and your husband going on and on about his f#$$g hot lab partner, well, you’ve got a recipe for disaster on your hands. And it ain’t going away all that soon.

Because what you might be surprised to learn, Jazz, is that your husband probably feels that he just can’t help himself.

Which is why comparing your attraction to other men is irrelevant. Leering is somewhat accepted among men, and, to a degree, even encouraged…. I recall a conversation I had with a close friend. He was raised in a Southern feminist household and was taught ultimate respect for women. (This is a GOOD thing, by the way. I ain’t arguing with it.) But what my friend failed to understand when we were drinking and woman-watching in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina was WHY we did it. “I don’t see why you would alert me to look at a woman’s body from across the room if I didn’t already see it. It’s disrespectful.” My defense: “It’s like a rainbow. If it’s beautiful, I feel it’s my job to point it out to my friends around me.” Hey, it was the best I could do after a dozen beers.

Again, Jazz, I’m not blindly defending lecherous men – nor encouraging this behavior in general. I’m pointing out that it happens, it’s common, and it requires a lot of rewiring to get men to be sensitive to women when they’re accustomed to being boorish around other men.

While he should be letting off steam to his friends exclusively, he’s including you in on his act – possibly to absolve his guilt.

One other point: talking about other women is also your husband’s way of staying sane in a monogamous relationship (monogamy being a choice, but not a natural state). Unfortunately, while he should be letting off steam to his friends exclusively, he’s including you in on his act – possibly to absolve his guilt. It’s foolish, destructive and short-sighted, no doubt about it.

Thus you need to have a conversation with your husband before you boil over. As always, focus on how his words make you FEEL instead of telling him that he’s a psychotic pervert. It may be true, but it accomplishes nothing. If he loves you – and as your husband, I believe he does – he doesn’t want to hurt you, and is open to learning how his visceral reactions to women are actually damaging your relationship.

Please write back and let us know how it goes. We’re pulling for you…

 

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Delia

    JuJu
    YOU ARE FUNNY!!!

  2. 62
    JuJu

    Delia, allow me to refresh your memory: :-P

    JuJu, marriage, by definition, is an exclusive relationship. For women, emotional relationships, even talking, really any form of attention from a man, is like sex, only to a lesser degree. So maintaining your attention from other men is disloyal to your husband.

  3. 63
    Steve

    About “Mr. Goodbar” courtesy of the Internet Movie Database:
    http://tinyurl.com/ynlr4b
    1977 Starring Diane Keaton


    Theresa is a successful teacher of deaf children during the day but after a short unhappy affair starts to spend her nights cruising bars. Her craving first for sex but later also for drugs leads into increasingly demeaning and dangerous situations completely at odds with her daytime commitment to her children.

    Sorry for going off topic, again, but sometimes I get curious for no reason and can’t leave things alone :)

  4. 64
    JuJu

    And oh… he l i k e s t o t e a c h ??

  5. 65
    Michele

    Evan,

    Am in complete agreement that it was getting out of hand….some message boards are simply products of sitting behind a computer screen — to rant about whatever might be troubling one at the moment….and doing so anonymously.

    My #10 reply was directed to the original concerns of Jazz and I might add from my heart.

    Then Mr. Mike comes on the scene and quite frankly I can see why he was annoying others, although there was no need to feed into his sneering (that he sites as “debate).” Seems like all focus on the subject matter was lost.

    That said, I really do love ya, Evan !!!!!!!

  6. 66
    Selena

    Hmm–someone who thinks talking, any attention, is like sex, has a keen interest in seeing feminism die, likes to teach. Yeah, a little scary.

  7. 67
    Delia

    JuJu
    I’m sorry. I think you might have misunderstood me. I was Agreeing with you & Appreciating your comment by saying you are Funny. I love Funny.

  8. 68
    Delia

    Hunter
    I might want the average man to Aspire to Pope John. Why not? We all can use great role models!
    Also, what I meant was that as a dealer I have so many funny and interesting topics going on on my game with everyone that I’m not thinking that every guy is sexually interested. We’re just all having fun! Is a Womans only interest to you her looks and sex appeal?

  9. 69
    Delia

    Hunter
    Getting back a little closer to the original issue: Women can be guilty of the same or similar offense. For instance; In relationships I”m sure I’ve had times where I might have talked a little more than I should have about another guy. Definately not raving about them but maybe just talking about them and my partner thinking Oh She Likes That Guy. We’re all in this world learning together I guess from our mistakes.

  10. 70
    JuJu

    I wasn’t in the least offended, Delia. (-:
    Just sorta felt like voicing the “good riddance” sentiment.

    BTW, a job like yours would be unfathomable in this man’s value system. Flirtatious conversations, to think!

    Hee-hee.

  11. 71
    Delia

    Hunter
    I noticed in my email to you that my comment ‘Is a Womans only interest to you her looks and sex appeal?’ had a challenging and accusing tone to it. It occurs to me that I often am lacking in communication skills. I still seem to need to learn to communicat without implying blame therefore I think I probably would have gotten my point across to you without that parting question. Sorry.

  12. 72
    JerseyGirl

    Evan:
    You’re too good for that.

    Thanks for staying involved and keeping the place clean.

    —————————————————————————

    Watching too much Stuwart Smalley are we.

  13. 73
    hunter

    to Delia,

    “Is a womans only interest to me, her looks and sex appeal? In reference to casino, dealers? If, I said no, to that question, I would be lying to you…..

  14. 74
    hunter

    to Delia,

    No offense taken…

  15. 75
    hunter

    to delia,

    Pope as a role model?…really? Doesn’t, like he, operate on a different plane?…

  16. 76
    hunter

    to delia,

    You said, “sometimes I’ve made a comment to the boors. Are you saying, she’s better looking than me? And they do get the point and they discontinue the behaviour, because they can see its just not cool!”

    Of course men will behave, when you are dealing cards! They do want to make some money!….LOL!

  17. 77
    hunter

    to Delia,

    Seriously, this doesn’t happen often, but it has happened. I have not paid attention to sexy women walking past me. Only to get a comment like, “Who do you think you are, God?” Or find me a response to this one, “All men look at me.”
    I had just gotten laid so I didn’t care at the time, and said nothing.

  18. 78
    Delia

    to Hunter
    Is a womans only interest to me, her looks and sex appeal? In reference to casino, dealers? If, I said no, to that question, I would be lying to you..

    Ha! that’s cute. Well at least you’re Honest!

  19. 79
    Delia

    to Hunter
    >

    Well Yes BUT You know, you could say that he operated on a higher plane and in that case he really is someone to look up to. But not so much in the Dating sense, since we are on a Dating site.

  20. 80
    Delia

    Hunter
    >

    Ha. YES, they KNOW what side their breads buttered ON!!

  21. 81
    Lynn

    Thanks, Evan!

  22. 82
    Delia

    to Hunter

    >

    Sometimes you just can’t Win!

  23. 83
    hunter

    to Delia,

    I wonder if women look up to, oh, say, the queen of England as a role model.

    Interestingly enough, DNA research and studies show that leaders and famous people, have an “extraordinary” type of DNA, found only amongst their type.

  24. 84
    Delia

    to Hunter
    I wonder if women look up to, oh, say, the queen of England as a role model.

    Interestingly enough, DNA research and studies show that leaders and famous people, have an extraordinary type of DNA, found only amongst their type.

    I look up to –queen of England– types myself to a certain extent. I’m pretty sure I’d be in the minority on that. The DNA research sounds fascinating.

  25. 85
    ashlee

    My ex would talk about other hot women in front of me. He liked to see me jealous said it made him feel loved. He actually enjoyed seeing me upset.
    I think this guy knows exactly what he is doing, he wants to see his wife upset and jealous. Also, he may just want to see her work extra hard at getting his attention. It’s sadistic and demeaning behavior. I would have to disagree that he is that stupid or insensitive, at his age he has been with enough women to know what will happen when you say those things around a woman.

  26. 86
    hunter

    to delia,

    DNA research shows, that, there is very good possibility that, General George Patton, maybe a descendent of, one of the two American Civil War leaders, I, don’t remember, it was either, Robert E. Lee, or Ulysses Grant.

  27. 87
    hunter

    to Delia,

    So, back to our original statment, can you imagine the popes’ DNA lineage?

  28. 88
    Delia

    to Hunter,
    The Pope (John Paul – he’s deceased) must have had quite the lineage, having been an actor cyclist skiier etc., etc., I’m all those things plus an artist writer singer & comedian of sorts. My challenge is I have trouble focusing exclusively on any one of the last 4. If I could pick just one & really develop it I’m sure I’d have much more of a chance of succeeding in one of them. But now I’m getting way off the topic! Apologies all around!!ha.

  29. 89
    hunter

    to Delia,

    Doing what we really want to do is a commitment of sorts, and it takes effort and discipline, that leaves little room for the “I’ll do it tomorrow,” thoughts and phrases. My job involves a certain amount of coordination of work crews and synchronicity of mechanical systems, and I have always liked it, thank you very much.

  30. 90
    Delia

    to Hunter
    WHAT!!? You wouldn’t prefer to be Paralzyed by too many options like me??

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