My Husband Openly Talks About Other Attractive Women To Me

My Husband Openly Talks About Other Attractive Women To Me

Dear Evan,

I have been married for two years. I am 26 years old and my husband is 12 years older than me. He is very nice to me and always tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. He loves me. He seems to know what to say to me most of the times.

Now, here is the problem… We are both going to separate colleges.  The problem is that at the end of the day when he tells me about his daily class events, he goes on and on about this hot, extremely hot, f#$$g hot, sultry looking girl in one of his classes… His friends tell me how “he is married, but not dead” and “there is nothing wrong with noticing other women”!! He also tells me that he can fantasize about his cute 30 years old teacher… I asked him if he ever found me ‘sultry’? His response was just plain ‘NO’. He told me that I was beautiful and very sexual, but never sultry. 

What is your opinion about this whole mess? I AM a jealous person, but I try to control my jealousy. I try very hard to not show anger, but I really don’t feel loved. I don’t want to tell him that he can’t come talk to me about other females (well, I see other guys too in my school but I don’t go on and on about them when I get home. I desire my husband and no other man)

What do I do?  How do I talk to him about this?

Jazz

Dear Jazz,

Your husband’s biggest problem isn’t that he’s a loser who will most certainly cheat on you one of these days (although an argument can certainly be made). No, your husband’s big problem is that he has an extraordinarily big yap which lands him somewhere in that gray area between insensitive and stupid.

I’m going to take this moment to strike a hard line in defense of LYING. Yes, LYING. Because right now, ladies and gentlemen, you are hearing a first-hand account of the devastation wreaked by a man who can’t help but to TELL THE TRUTH. Because, to be perfectly blunt with you, Jazz, his friends are 100% right. He IS married but not dead. There IS nothing wrong with noticing other women. Where your husband comes up incredibly short – as if he were somewhat autistic – in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Where your husband comes up incredibly short – as if he were somewhat autistic – in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Now, we’ve tackled this before here. And my sentiments, controversial though they may seem, remain the same. Flirty people flirt. It’s a personality trait, not a choice. Still, there ARE societal boundaries to be maintained, and there are certainly sensitivities that have to be considered. And your husband is failing on every account. Factor in your innate jealousy and your husband going on and on about his f#$$g hot lab partner, well, you’ve got a recipe for disaster on your hands. And it ain’t going away all that soon.

Because what you might be surprised to learn, Jazz, is that your husband probably feels that he just can’t help himself.

Which is why comparing your attraction to other men is irrelevant. Leering is somewhat accepted among men, and, to a degree, even encouraged…. I recall a conversation I had with a close friend. He was raised in a Southern feminist household and was taught ultimate respect for women. (This is a GOOD thing, by the way. I ain’t arguing with it.) But what my friend failed to understand when we were drinking and woman-watching in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina was WHY we did it. “I don’t see why you would alert me to look at a woman’s body from across the room if I didn’t already see it. It’s disrespectful.” My defense: “It’s like a rainbow. If it’s beautiful, I feel it’s my job to point it out to my friends around me.” Hey, it was the best I could do after a dozen beers.

Again, Jazz, I’m not blindly defending lecherous men – nor encouraging this behavior in general. I’m pointing out that it happens, it’s common, and it requires a lot of rewiring to get men to be sensitive to women when they’re accustomed to being boorish around other men.

While he should be letting off steam to his friends exclusively, he’s including you in on his act – possibly to absolve his guilt.

One other point: talking about other women is also your husband’s way of staying sane in a monogamous relationship (monogamy being a choice, but not a natural state). Unfortunately, while he should be letting off steam to his friends exclusively, he’s including you in on his act – possibly to absolve his guilt. It’s foolish, destructive and short-sighted, no doubt about it.

Thus you need to have a conversation with your husband before you boil over. As always, focus on how his words make you FEEL instead of telling him that he’s a psychotic pervert. It may be true, but it accomplishes nothing. If he loves you – and as your husband, I believe he does – he doesn’t want to hurt you, and is open to learning how his visceral reactions to women are actually damaging your relationship.

Please write back and let us know how it goes. We’re pulling for you…

 

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Comments:

  1. 91
    hunter

    to Delia,

    LOL! Of course not!….LOL!

  2. 92
    Delia

    Did I make you laugh? hope so. I really think that I enjoy making people laugh more than just about anything else. I think that’s why I don’t wear any make-up on my face. I’d Much rather be told I am funny than that I am pretty. I came to this point from my life of experiences. It takes brains to be funny. And it feels Great!

  3. 93
    Jen

    My man comments on other women daily, the real ones and the fake (TV, movies). I have tried to ignore it but have not been successful.
    He says it means nothing. OK, fine. BUT….

    We met about 8 months ago. During this time I have been called Tracy, Tracy, Tracy repeatedly (the one he never got over). I told him it bothered me, and eventually he controlled himself. OK, fine. During this time he has made it clear that I am not his usual physical type and he is specific. OK, fine. During this time I have listened to him while watching movies- “she is so hot, wow she is really beautiful,
    look at her a..,” etc. I am very familiar with his type by now and it ain’t me.

    We have talked. I came clean, even though I felt like a jealous idiot, and told him he makes me feel like the hag on his arm. He reassures me he is not going anywhere. Well, that’s just great, but meanwhile the last thing I want to do is get naked with him and our sex life has gone to hell.

    It would be nice to feel that I am attractive to him also, and maybe I could more easily deal with the running commentary. It is ruining our relationship and I am feeling like a thin-skinned jerk.

    Appreciate the opportunity to rant.
    Thanks

  4. 94
    Li-Ann

    That is it exactly “…makes me feel like a hag on my arm”. My experience with my ex pretty well matches the well worded last post.

    The person who deals out the criticism may try to say it means nothing, they still love you, they’re just joking, you are taking it too seriously, etc. etc. But it destroys feelings and that is key. How are you supposed to feel excited as a woman to be intimate if you know your guy prefers other women’s bodies? Most women already feel bad enough about their bodies even before a man comes along to reinforce that feeling. Very few have the perfect body.

    I was just sick and tired of the running commentary, most of it pretty well implying that I don’t fit the bill of what he thinks is attractive. It just kills any kind of romance and feelings.

    If the guy loves you and wants a good relationship, he should either keep it quiet, or just move on and be with the women he does find attractive.

    I know he will say it is just natural to look or whatever, but surely it is possible if you care about another person’s feeling to be less obvious about it. My guy was about 60 pounds overweight and I never said a word about other guy’s abs even though I do in fact notice. I just didn’t want to hurt him. Same goes with the rapidly receding hairline and the double chin.

    That being said, I should have known better. I think when you fall in love you try so hard to overlook things. On my second date he said “you would look so much better if you lost just 5 pounds”. I felt hurt right then, but I ignored the future implications.

    So I ended up getting into a marriage where for years I heard nothing but that running commentary about other beautiful women. Did he really think the exercise bike was going to transform me into a top model? He would defend himself that he’s motivating me, but a lot is genetics. Even when I got down to 105 lbs I was still not a super model.

    So start thinking about the years you will be married. A running commentary about other women and/or your inadequacies can simply bring down your mood and your day. Why would anyone surround themselves with toxic people? Just to be able to say you are married?

    It might not seem like a big deal to you in the early days of your relationship, but it gets old really fast. There is enough to worry about in life in general, and in relationships, without adding constant criticism to your day. The theory about relationships the way I see it is that they are supposed to make you feel better, not worse. Simple.

    So many men (and women too) feel that they are owed a super hot spouse, and with society’s stress on youth and looks, this gets worse every year.

    When he’d leave on a business trip for a few weeks, I would suddenly feel like a big weight had fallen from my shoulders. Without his comments, my day felt better, I felt happier, and the world felt better. Every woman/man wants to be made to feel special by the person they want. What is the point of being with them if they make you feel like they’re doing you a big favour to be with you and they could do better.

    Sorry to ramble. Good luck to you all with your search for just the right person.

  5. 95
    JuJu

    Let me get this straight: the 60 lb. overweight guy tried for years to “motivate” you to lose five pounds?

  6. 96
    Li-Ann

    Yes, wasn’t I stupid?

    Saturdays the first thing he’d say is I should go running. If I didn’t he’d tell me I’m lazy. Then there’d be an argument. He’d freak out and say I’m ruining our sex life since he only likes women on the lean side. He’d get into a state and start complaining that this is so unfair to him – he deserves the best. The whole conversation could get ugly, even if I stayed silent, or even if I agreed with him to try to calm him. Great way to spend my weekend.

    As for his weight, he felt that women like big husky guys. He said he doesn’t have to look good and that the onus was on women to look good and then he’d point out examples out there of what I should model myself on. He’d say that’s just the way society is and there’s nothing he can do about it.

    He claimed he got lots of interest from women because he said there are more women looking for a guy for a long term relationship than the other way around. He was well aware that women were often prepared to settle.

    Sometimes when he pushed too far I’d say “do you really think that there is some model out there who’d want to clean up after you day or night?” (he did no housework). To that he’d say that if he does get a good looking thin woman in the future – he’ll pay for a maid.

  7. 97
    Jen

    “What is the point of being with them if they make you feel like they’re doing you a big favour to be with you and they could do better.”

    That is it exactly for me. I’m about to go home to mine. I still look forward to seeing him after a booooring day at work but the good and the bad are 50/50 right now.

    I am 48, tall, slender, pale, and attractive. But if you are looking for younger, petite, voluptuous (big butt), dark and beautiful….uh oh!
    See what I mean? Lose that 5 pounds, hah! I need to become addicted to plastic surgery (I do dye my hair to cover the gray).

    I enjoy the rambling.

    Thank you

  8. 98
    Delia

    Li-Ann, The following from you, I am NOT KIDDING, THAT IS SOME FUNNY STUFF!!** someday out there outta make a sit com out of it. ITS HILARIOUS. You should become a sit-com comedy writer!!

    >

  9. 99
    Delia

    Li-Ann,
    >
    Your above statement reminds me of gamblers in the casino that I deal cards to. They’ll say the same drivel over and over and over again, “When are you gonna give me good cards?” “When are you gonna be nice to me?” “You’re killin me here!” AS IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CARDS. THEN if i make a comment they’ll say ohdon’t take it seriously. I’m just joking. I think:”RIGHT! -You’re just joking well why am I not laughing?” Thank god not all players are like that. BUT definately too many of them are!!

  10. 100
    Delia

    Li-Ann,
    >>

    Your above statement reminds me of gamblers in the casino that I deal cards to. They’ll say the same drivel over and over and over again, When are you gonna give me good cards? When are you gonna be nice to me? You’re killin me here! AS IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE CARDS. THEN if i make a comment they’ll say ohdon’t take it seriously. I’m just joking. I think: RIGHT! -You’re just joking well why am I not laughing? Thank god not all players are like that. BUT definately too many of them are!!

  11. 101
    Delia

    Li-Ann,
    I was referring to the paragraph that begins with Saturdays..
    Its just TOO funny!!*

  12. 102
    lou

    the miracle here, li-ann, is that you haven’t sworn off men completely after being with a childish, insecure, controlling man like your ex.

  13. 103
    Jen

    Li-Ann:
    “Same goes with the rapidly receding hairline and the double chin.”
    I love this!! tee,hee

    I think we should just zing them with this stuff and to hell with their feelings.

  14. 104
    Li-Ann

    Sit com? I do have some funny ones. You do have to keep your sense of humour. For example, he loved to look at himself in the mirror, while I avoided the mirror. He would pat his big gut, suck it in a bit, turn to the side and say “pretty good for my age” (38), and then sort of admire himself a bit. Then he’d point out some baseball players are on the fat side or rap stars. He also loved to detail all the times he supposedly caught young attractive women checking him out during the day. This was apparently supposed to motivate me for something or another.

    Although, to his credit, you are better off loving yourself as he does, as men with high self esteem can come off well with women, even if they are not all they think they are.

    Lou – of course I won’t swear off men! He only represents one person, and I know some men do some of the things he does, but he was pretty extreme. I know there are still some great guys out there. Too bad they’re all already seeing someone! Now if only I can lose that last 5 lbs. Must go jogging. NOT.

    When I’d tell him that not all guys are like him he’d say that they are secretly thinking just what he is thinking (in terms of women’s weight and looks) it is just that they didn’t have the COURAGE and HONESTY he had to tell me up front. Thank you, I do so appreciate it!

    One time I had to laugh because we were at a beach with some friends and one had a cute 20 something daughter. He pulled off his shirt to tan, and she began to giggle, and he said “What are you laughing about?” and she said “a bit too much information for me” eying his somewhat overhanging mid section. So much for all the women after him.

  15. 105
    JerseyGirl

    Sorry about your experieince Li-Ann. Geez. As a girl in my 20s me and my friends certainly aren’t checking out over weight middle aged men.

    Actually, they do say men usually consider themselves more attractive then they really are and women consider themselves less attractive then they really are. They did a study that asked men and women if they thought they needed to loose weight. Alot of the guys who were over-weight said they felt that they didn’t and alot of women that were not over-weight said that they felt that they did. Goes to show are messed world we sometimes livei n and how women get messed with in society. You would hope men would be more sensitive and caring towards us.

  16. 106
    JuJu

    Li-Ann,

    the problem is that you allowed this treatment. (Do NOT beat up yourself over this, just accept that it happened, and move on.)

    Ah, too bad Verbosity is no longer here. Perhaps now he would have appreciated the quote I posted in another thread: “The moment you settle [for a 60lb. overweight guy], you get even less than then you settled for [like a 60lb. overweight guy who systematically destroys your self-esteem].”

  17. 107
    Delia

    > to JuJu, I could not agree with you MORE!!
    to Li-Ann, Yes Li-Ann I agree with JuJu that the problem is that you allowed this treatment. I’ve been guilty of allowing things I should not have as well! It is now OUR job to ACCEPT what we have been and/or allowed by saying I completely accept what I have allowed and its allright. By accepting this puts us in a whole other universe. We no longer have to justify ourselves. We can now move on to healthier behavior!!! HURRAY for US!!*

  18. 108
    Li-Ann

    You are both right! I did allow it, and I always recognized that other women were able to command much more respect from their husbands, and it didn’t matter how they looked. I have yet to figure out why I couldn’t master a way to get him to stop. I guess something is wrong with me in that way.

    As with the original poster, the comments from the man on other women (and so on) seem to just pop out of their mouths. I could not control what he said, and he refused to stop making his observations about other women or myself. I would tell him I didn’t like it and so on, but nothing would ever make him stop. In fact, if I protested too much, he’d threaten divorce, and tell me that his next wife will be naturally thin, and he’s going to make sure that she’s not the type to put on weight. Then he’d walk out and go once again to a strip bar.

    The only thing that would have worked would be to leave him and I didn’t have the guts to do that permanently in the early years. My stupid reason was that there is no one else out there, the whole dating thing is too difficult (which is why I read all these posts).

  19. 109
    Jen

    I’m sure this sounds naive of me, but I think these men are VERY insecure.

    Just endured an unexpected visit from a former co-worker of my husband’s and her boyfriend. We are 48 and 60. They are under 30. The drool coming out of my man’s goofily smiling lips was a sight to see. My dog did not like her.

    I have reached the point where I no longer feel the icepick through my heart and am now kind of numb to it. His attitude is basically don’t get hysterical, Jen, I’m here. I did not, repeat not, get hysterical. I kept my mouth shut all day and finally told him, for the umpteenth time, that he is an asshole! I know, says he.

    I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to get old either, but I don’t think I can deal with his insecurity about it. Then again, he has probably always been like this- HUGE ego. Last night he regaled me with his online dating adventures. I didn’t ask. I don’t have to. He loves to talk about himself. Met some very interesting women. Good for you!!

    I read a quote by Maya Angelou reminding women to “listen to what your man is saying….”

    Mine is sure not saying he wants me.

    Oh, well. My dog is really going to miss him.

    I too love reading these posts. Helps.

  20. 110
    Jen

    “When people tell you who they are, listen to them the first time.”
    Maya Angelou

    I re-interpreted it, as usual. Mine has been telling me who he is from the start.

    I feel I need to make a serious decision, otherwise I am just picking on him.

    Maya Angelou also said (close enough)- change what you don’t like or change your attitude. Don’t think I can change my attitude.

  21. 111
    JerseyGirl

    This is why I don’t understand in many ways why men even want relationships. They clearly don’t value women after a certain age, or they will always value a woman based on her age over even his own SO.

  22. 112
    Li-Ann

    Jen,

    I am a walking advertisement why it is better to do it sooner than later. One incident really got me thinking. One day I was complaining about him to my best friend. She looked at me and said “I don’t mean to offend you, but when are you going to do something about it? I have a funny feeling that 5 years from now we are going to be having this exact same conversation. Is that where you want to be?”

    She made a great point. That being said, it was so much easier said than done, at least for me. Also, don’t forget that the first time you leave him, they will frequently apologize and promise to shape up. I got this a few times. It never lasts. A lot of it is in their personality/psychology. And I am not bashing on men, as there are women who have this personality type as well. I got a Merck’s manual and looked up narcissism. Perfect description of what I was dealing with. Little hope of an improvement, as most are not motivated to change.

  23. 113
    Jen

    Li-Ann:

    Very interesting and thought provoking comment.

    I am repeating myself over and over. He has apologized several times. Nothing changes. I feel like crap and am getting very depressed.

    I have been unable to talk to him about much of anything lately. If I open my mouth I’m afraid of what will come out.

    I just don’t know what to say to him. I feel like I can’t say anything until I make up my mind, otherwise I am just complaining over and over. Meanwhile very uncomfortable with him. Very sad!

  24. 114
    Eda

    I think that at the end of the day, the most important thing is to like yourself and your body. I think sometimes we like to blame men for feeling bad about our bodies when the real problem is how we feel about our bodies. I say this because when I was with my SO, I ranged in weight from 120 to 220 lbs over a 17 year period. He never, ever said anything mean or nasty about my body…never overtly or covertly tried to encourage me to lose weight. In fact, he genuinely liked me and my body regardless of my size. I, however, HATED my body when I weighed 220, and no matter what he told me, I just did not feel attractive or sexy. Frankly, because I hated my body so much, I just couldn’t understand why he liked it. Now, I’m sure I would have felt 100 times worse if my boyfriend had been critical, but he wasn’t and I still felt miserable about myself. I didn’t feel better until I lost weight. Now, I like my body — I am by no means skinny, but I know which clothes to wear to flatter my figure and I feel good about my appearance most of the time.

    So, I think the only way to really be happy is to first and foremost like yourself and your body and then find a man that likes you and your body too!

  25. 115
    Jen

    I totally agree that we need to like ourselves. Wow just had a brain fart. Funny how I always end up with the same kind of man, just in a different shape and size, and age. And that man never seems to really like me. They always want someone different.

    So I need to find the man that wants me as I am. Problem is I will probably never be attracted to him.

    These things are always 50/50, not entirely one person’s fault. The abuser/criticizer needs someone to criticize. I love to play victim.
    And mom.

    Thank you for thought provoking comments, even though I don’t like to think about them.

  26. 116
    Eda

    Jen,

    I’m glad my story might help you. I have another that might help as well…

    First, I went to a seminar last week that had a panel of men talking about women — how they treat them and how they want to be treated etc. Now, as a single woman, I am always evaluating single men in terms of whether or not they are the kind of guys I would date. As the four guys walked to the stage, I thought — I wouldn’t date guy 1 because he’s too short; I wouldn’t date guy 2 because he’s too fat, I wouldn’t date guy 3 because he’s too old and skinny. There was only one guy that caught my eye. However, as each guy talked and more of their personality came through, I realized that every guy on that panel was really fun, caring, intelligent , and very date-able!

    2. Along those same lines, I am now dating someone who at first glance, wasn’t “my type.” On our first date, I thought he was nerdy and awkward and boring. But, he was very sweet (If any of the cynical men on this website take that to mean, he paid for the date, he didn’t We met at a coffee shop and I bought my own coffee and he bought his.) He asked me out again, and I agreed. As we are getting to know each other better, I am learning that he’s actually quite interesting and fun and considerate. I think I would have missed out if I had dismissed him because he didn’t meet my physical preferences and make my heart skip a beat.

    So, I would urge you to consider giving more guys a chance. You just might be pleasantly surprised!

  27. 117
    hunter

    To Eda,

    I wish more women thought like you do…

  28. 118
    Eda

    Hunter,

    Thank you for the compliment. I had a lot of help getting there!

  29. 119
    Evan Marc Katz

    You are the best, Eda. It’s been such a pleasure working with you. Please let me know how it goes…

  30. 120
    Jen

    I understand Eda but don’t you get drawn to some types almost unconsciously? Or am I just letting myself off the hook? I’m not talking about looks. My man just turned 61 and he looks and feels it, but he has the problem with it, not me. I was first attracted to him because we could talk and ok I thought he was cute. But it was his personality that attracted me initially. We had fun together. It’s personality “types” I am attracted, not looks. I think you are talking about personalities also???

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