My Husband Openly Talks About Other Attractive Women To Me

My Husband Openly Talks About Other Attractive Women To Me

Dear Evan,

I have been married for two years. I am 26 years old and my husband is 12 years older than me. He is very nice to me and always tells me how beautiful I am and how lucky he is to have me. He loves me. He seems to know what to say to me most of the times.

Now, here is the problem… We are both going to separate colleges.  The problem is that at the end of the day when he tells me about his daily class events, he goes on and on about this hot, extremely hot, f#$$g hot, sultry looking girl in one of his classes… His friends tell me how “he is married, but not dead” and “there is nothing wrong with noticing other women”!! He also tells me that he can fantasize about his cute 30 years old teacher… I asked him if he ever found me ‘sultry’? His response was just plain ‘NO’. He told me that I was beautiful and very sexual, but never sultry. 

What is your opinion about this whole mess? I AM a jealous person, but I try to control my jealousy. I try very hard to not show anger, but I really don’t feel loved. I don’t want to tell him that he can’t come talk to me about other females (well, I see other guys too in my school but I don’t go on and on about them when I get home. I desire my husband and no other man)

What do I do?  How do I talk to him about this?

Jazz

Dear Jazz,

Your husband’s biggest problem isn’t that he’s a loser who will most certainly cheat on you one of these days (although an argument can certainly be made). No, your husband’s big problem is that he has an extraordinarily big yap which lands him somewhere in that gray area between insensitive and stupid.

I’m going to take this moment to strike a hard line in defense of LYING. Yes, LYING. Because right now, ladies and gentlemen, you are hearing a first-hand account of the devastation wreaked by a man who can’t help but to TELL THE TRUTH. Because, to be perfectly blunt with you, Jazz, his friends are 100% right. He IS married but not dead. There IS nothing wrong with noticing other women. Where your husband comes up incredibly short – as if he were somewhat autistic – in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Where your husband comes up incredibly short – as if he were somewhat autistic – in his ability to HIDE his attraction to other women for your sake.

Now, we’ve tackled this before here. And my sentiments, controversial though they may seem, remain the same. Flirty people flirt. It’s a personality trait, not a choice. Still, there ARE societal boundaries to be maintained, and there are certainly sensitivities that have to be considered. And your husband is failing on every account. Factor in your innate jealousy and your husband going on and on about his f#$$g hot lab partner, well, you’ve got a recipe for disaster on your hands. And it ain’t going away all that soon.

Because what you might be surprised to learn, Jazz, is that your husband probably feels that he just can’t help himself.

Which is why comparing your attraction to other men is irrelevant. Leering is somewhat accepted among men, and, to a degree, even encouraged…. I recall a conversation I had with a close friend. He was raised in a Southern feminist household and was taught ultimate respect for women. (This is a GOOD thing, by the way. I ain’t arguing with it.) But what my friend failed to understand when we were drinking and woman-watching in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina was WHY we did it. “I don’t see why you would alert me to look at a woman’s body from across the room if I didn’t already see it. It’s disrespectful.” My defense: “It’s like a rainbow. If it’s beautiful, I feel it’s my job to point it out to my friends around me.” Hey, it was the best I could do after a dozen beers.

Again, Jazz, I’m not blindly defending lecherous men – nor encouraging this behavior in general. I’m pointing out that it happens, it’s common, and it requires a lot of rewiring to get men to be sensitive to women when they’re accustomed to being boorish around other men.

While he should be letting off steam to his friends exclusively, he’s including you in on his act – possibly to absolve his guilt.

One other point: talking about other women is also your husband’s way of staying sane in a monogamous relationship (monogamy being a choice, but not a natural state). Unfortunately, while he should be letting off steam to his friends exclusively, he’s including you in on his act – possibly to absolve his guilt. It’s foolish, destructive and short-sighted, no doubt about it.

Thus you need to have a conversation with your husband before you boil over. As always, focus on how his words make you FEEL instead of telling him that he’s a psychotic pervert. It may be true, but it accomplishes nothing. If he loves you – and as your husband, I believe he does – he doesn’t want to hurt you, and is open to learning how his visceral reactions to women are actually damaging your relationship.

Please write back and let us know how it goes. We’re pulling for you…

 

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Comments:

  1. 151
    Terri

    I have been married for a number of years.  My husband and I are comfortable enough to comment to each other about an attractive person of the opposite sex.  In fact, I have pointed out an attractive woman to him at times.
    Neither of us will “go on” endlessly about how hot someone is.  That is rude and disrespectful and your husband should not have to be told this is so.  IMO, this is plain common sense.  If he knows something is painful to you, he should just stop doing it and not make excuses about his behavior.
    It must be difficult for you to be responsive to him when he brings all these fantasies home to you.  He should learn to keep his big mouth shut and show some concern for your feelings.

  2. 152
    Sonia

    At some point, you’ve gotta wonder whether folks agree on the definition of ‘relationship’.  If this guy is going on about all the other women he sees, then why the heck is he in a relationship to begin with?  There’s gotta be some balance between attraction to other women and attraction to your woman.  It’s not insecurity if a woman is bothered by her boyfriend’s ogling: rather, it’s wondering if you’re still worth it to him.  What the heck are you getting out of being with me if you keep wishing you’re with one of those other girls?  If you wanna play single, then be single.  Otherwise, shut up and tell me all the stuff you LIKE about our relationship, so I don’t constantly wonder if you regret being here.

    If you ogle other girls AND ogle your girl, for goodness’ sakes, let your girl know that you find her attractive!  Society does enough to make women feel inadequate.  Most of us (not all – some of us don’t need anyone’s approval) at the end of the day just wanna know that YOU think we’re hot, or sexy, or smart, or endearingly kind, or anything else you admire.  And we wanna know that you can like those things about us WITHOUT comparing us to someone else in the same breath.  “She’s smoking hot, but you’ve got pretty eyes!”  See how that doesn’t really feel like much of a compliment?  You might be thinking, “I told her she’s got pretty eyes – that’s gotta stick out to her!”  No.  Instead, we heard the “she’s smoking hot” part and wondered if we were the consolation prize.

    I apologize if I sound kinda bitter.  I’ve been in these situations too much.  The trouble is, I constantly think I’m finding a nice guy (he listens to me, he holds conversations about real-world things, tells me about himself, he asks how my mother’s doing, says he’ll meet my family, etc), and then over time little things add up.  But when you notice them, you’re told you’re being insecure.  But it’s a trap, and then you’re stuck because: you feel hurt and disrespected, yet you feel like you’re too picky, sensitive, controlling, etc if you say anything, let alone try to break up.  If he can’t even have sex with you without a) talking up another woman ad nauseum before, during, or after; or b) watching porn before, during, or after, you’ve gotta wonder if he’s not just using you for something.  More appropriately, if you’ve told him it bothers you and he keeps doing it, you’ve gotta wonder if you don’t deserve to be happier somewhere else.

  3. 153
    Melissa

    I disagree that it is okay for her husband to talk to her about how attractive other women are.  If you are married, you are not supposed to be lusting after other women.  This is out of RESPECT for your wife.  This is all in the big Book of Knowledge, and those of you that are saying what this man is doing is okay apparently lack in some serious knowledge.  Honestly, a man shouldn’t even be referring to a woman as being HOT in the first place, and to say that she is HOT implies that she is dangerous in some sort of sense.  To say that a woman is HOT is like saying she should be a porn star.  It’s just disrespectful terminology for a man to use.  Some men just never grow up, and your husband needs some serious counseling in the spiritual department.  Also, you are doing the right thing by refraining from jealous comments because he might just be trying to get a rise out of you, which is also not a good sign.  If that is what he’s trying to do, he is preying on your weaknesses, and who does that in this world?  My ex did this same sort of thing to me and it put some real distance between us.  Everyone that knows him by the way calls him an idiot.  Now I know why. 

  4. 154
    k

    your husband talks about those women because he wants to sleep with them….I am sure he pictured them millions of times in his head
    BUT it does not mean he will

    if he finds these girls hot does not mean that the girls find him hot 
    so
    so he can only “vent” about his desires by talking to you (which is childish….like a kid talking about smth that excites him so much)
    does he have male friends? If he does he can be asked to discuss it with them if it bothers you (and it should bother you) 

    also he is almost 40……last chance to be attractive to younger women…be a playboy… 

    since he behaves like a child talking to him will not make him change (but you can try  – no harm in that)

    I would make him jealous instead….and not with a photo….
    you are much younger than him so in your relationship he should be scared to lose you

    let him notice you talking to a hot guy (hire a friend, far relative)
    then come to him laughung and happy and say
    Jack (or Bill) said I look sexy in this dress…do you think I look sexy in this dress? (ask with naive eyes)

     

  5. 155
    Wisdom101

    I say: Leave this kind of man. Remember a leapard won’t change it’s spots, it can’t.

  6. 156
    gail

    my boyfriend of 10 years is obsessed with boobs and all day long he reminds me. he knows that it bothers me but he thinks its funny, if i dont notice that he is looking then he will giggle and have this grin on his face when i look at him it is hurting the way i feel

  7. 157
    justme

    Gail

    Leave the man. Some who laughs because he knows he is doing something that causes you pain is not worth your time!

    I had a similar situation; dated a guy who would find something i was uncomfortable with and then push and push and push until I finally would get mad and then he would say “I’m just kidding”. Thought that was just so much fun.

  8. 158
    Ann

    I read the question and your response, not all the responses. Respect, trust, honesty, cherish all the words that should be focused on when committing to marriage. Excusing a mans lack of self control is not a way to form   a healthy marriage. Any partner-wants to feel that they  are the “one” not that  they are the one-the other has to come home to, or got stuck with, or settled for, but the one.  Men or women who are married and going to school should be focusing on their education, how  it is going to benefit their life with their spouse.I am not saying be blind, yes as humans we notice attractive people,different people, people with large frames, small frames-we notice-but when spouse choose to take time to have fantasies about other people, they are choosing to replace sexual thoughts of another person instead of their spouse. We have to choose how to spend our money, what to eat, what to believe in daily-it builds who we are in different areas of life. No the man is not dead-he is alive and if he took the role of a husband seriously-he would take all those  thoughts, all time wasted talking to his wife about other women and focus on being more secure in who he is a person and be proud that he found the “one” to spend his life with, and that should be enough. We don’t accept ‘lazy” from students that do not do homework-lets not excuse a mans lack of self control in a marriage either. If it was true on how you responded-i don’t think we would have so many unhappy marriages-If am man still wants the freedom to take time out of his day to look as women as soley sexual objects-then he shouldn’t get married yet. Simple as that.

  9. 159
    Lia

    My sister told me years ago about a guy she had gone out with a couple of times.  He came to pick her up and made and unflattering comment about her hair then made a comment about a tiny scar she had by her eyebrow.  (So tiny she actually had to show me where it was.)
    She looked at him and said, “Do me a favor.”  
    He said. “What?”
    She said, “Lose my number.”
    With that she opened the door and kicked him to the curb (figuratively).  She told me that if he was focused on her flaws and eager to point them out that early in the dating relationship, she wanted nothing to do with him.

  10. 160
    Sinkyokot

    My husband used to tell me how attractive some women were at his workplace…Well, I have been telling him how hot my other professors. Lol. Also, some of his male coworkers flirt at me…He doesn’t like that! Nowadays, only get to see his female coworkers. O_O 
    I don’t care…He feels to be disrespected by me. I used to shut up how hot other men for his own sake. Also, I always prefer to respect him, but he wasn’t.

    If he makes me miserable, I do it back to him.

    I ain’t a blind… I’m just well-behave.

  11. 161
    Fred

    My wife openly and directly talks about other attractive men too. That is nothing to worry about. She even tells me she wonders how good in bed certain man is. So she clearly fantasizes about being with them in bed. That makes me horny more that anything. 

  12. 162
    Kirk

    If he openly talks about it, that’s a sign that he either wants to leave you, or just don’t find you attractive any more? Leave the bastard, Hun!

  13. 163
    JoJOe

    My HEX used to do this ALL the time.  One night out in a bar he went WAY over the edge.  
    He see’s a hot chick.. “Oh, look at her, I would definitely @&*$ her”
    I just sat and looked at him for a few seconds.  I stood up and opened my purse.  “I know honey, but while you want to #%$% her I COULD #$%& her. Here’s a 20 buy her a drink and here’s another, for your little blue pill”
    I turned and walked to the bar and started a conversation with a much more hotter man.  While we conversed, by HEX walked out.  Lesson learned, hunk gained.
     

  14. 164
    judy

    Judy141 – please don’t say you’re not young any more when you’re forty.  I’m 60 and that stung!
    In answer to the OP, I agree that you should talk about this with your husband.  It’s not very respectful of him.  On the other hand, you could play it another way.
    Take a deep breath and ask him what he finds so attractive in them.  Who knows? He might say that she wears whatever, that her hair is whatever, that she smiles or God knows what.  And then, you do whatever she does …….only, naturellement, much better!

  15. 165
    Star

    JoJOe 163, nicely done. If a guy said that to me about another woman, I’d tell him to go do it then, and dump his ridiculous ass.
     
     

  16. 166
    MB

    Lots of insightful comments here! I am a woman, married, 30 years old. After being in a couple of verbally/emotionally abusive relationships and coming from an environment where I was mistreated, I will say that I understand where the rest of you ladies are coming from.

    It hurts to be the one who is “settled” upon…being second choice is definitely no fun. Even with my current husband, who is a wonderful guy, my insecurities come out to play because of comments he has made in the past. He once told me that I was “nothing special”. There were also little remarks early in our relationship about how I needed to start working out (when I was only a size 4 and very fit) and how I needed to straighten my hair because he preferred it that way (I’m biracial with long hair that is chemically relaxed) and how I needed to see a dentist (I guess he thought my teeth or smile were unattractive, I’m not sure). It doesn’t help that he is a very good-looking man and I see other women taking notice of him, even while we are together. He doesn’t flirt with them but they tend to give off signals that they find him attractive.

    Like yesterday we were out walking in our neighborhood and a few women looked at him in ways that could only be viewed as flirtatious, but they ignored me….there was one very pretty blonde walking her dog and the vibes she was giving off made me slightly uncomfortable. And I could tell he enjoyed it, by his body language. His spine straightened so he appeared even taller than his height of 6’4″ and there was just something unspoken between them. She didn’t seem bothered by my presence at his side, either. She seemed desperate for him to look at her. I didn’t show my annoyance or discomfort but I feel that respect is very important. I don’t ogle other women’s partners and I feel that it was slightly weird the way they looked at one another. There was just this odd sexual tension in the air, although she was a stranger.

    Also, earlier this year, he was telling me about Katherine Webb…Miss Alabama and the girlfriend of footballer AJ McCarron. Now I’m not threatened by women in the media because they are mostly unattainable…I worry more about women in everyday life who can be found at the bank or the grocery store or the post office or in restaurants. But he, like many other men, went on and on about how “hot” Katherine Webb is. This bothered me for a couple of reasons. First, that isn’t cool…some women might be fine with their man swooning over some other girl’s hotness, but there is a difference between casually saying she’s pretty and saying she’s “hot/f*ckable”, etc. We ladies don’t really want to hear that, guys, especially if you aren’t also showing us that you find us attractive too.
    Second, I look nothing like Katherine Webb. I’m short with small breasts and big hips. I am of mixed race. I’m generally not jealous or insecure when it comes to guys liking women in the media. However, I couldn’t help but feel like in his eyes, I don’t measure up. I am not hideously ugly…but I’m not like the airbrushed girls in Maxim and FHM with their boobs spilling out on top of skeletal frames. I’ve been around plenty of people who made it known that they find me unattractive and it has affected me since childhood. I believe that if a man loves and respects his wife/partner, he will be more sensitive to her feelings.

    My heart goes out to Jazz, Jen, Li-Ann, and any other woman dealing with this. You ladies deserve so much more in life. I used to be with a guy who constantly called me stupid and he was just very unkind to me in general…he cheated on me, even caught an STD once, and he also allowed his friends/family to verbally abuse me. They would sometimes say that I wasn’t good enough for him or pretty enough, etc.

    To the fellows…kudos to those that treat their woman right and make sure that she feels special. We need to know that you find us beautiful and sexy and yes, “smoking hot”. We need you to desire us. We understand that you will notice other women…that is natural. But it is also important to appreciate our beauty as well.

    Some men know what they are doing when they do this. They are trying to lower your self-esteem. Jazz, if your husband truly felt lucky to have you, he wouldn’t tell you about how “sultry” and “hot” other women are. While it is true that being married doesn’t make one dead or blind, he is being disrespectful…nip that sh*t in the bud. Otherwise you will continue to feel worse. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt and angry. It is terrible to be in a relationship where you are being devalued, unappreciated and made to feel unworthy compared to so-called “hot” women.

  17. 167
    MB

    Some more thoughts…

    as women, we are up against some very toxic stuff in society. I won’t blame it all on the media as many people often do, but I will say that there are many unspoken rules for women. You have to be thin but have perfect curves in all the right places. You must have full, perky D-cup boobs. You must wear makeup but it has to look “natural”. Your hair should be like this, your skin should be like that. If you gain weight or show signs of illness/aging, your husband has the right to look elsewhere. I believe that if men understood the social rules and expectations placed upon women in terms of appearance and sexuality, they would probably be less likely to make insensitive comments. And I’m not some feminazi either…just a person who has been there and observed a lot over the years.

    Cherish your wife, no matter what she looks like. After all, you married her (this is just to the fellows that struggle with respect and/or being faithful). As a wife, it is my duty to take care of myself and try to look good for my husband and myself. But I am not a model type or beauty queen…he shouldn’t expect that from me. No man should expect his wife to look perfect all the time. I’m struggling with weight gain due to thyroid/hormonal problems and diabetes. I was a very fit, sexy size 4 only a few years ago. I am constantly tired. I don’t like myself in this new, heavier body but I am working on losing weight and being healthy. I still wear mascara and lipstick and try to fix my hair. I know that my body was more attractive when I was thinner. I know that men are visual. But I hope that my husband still sees me as beautiful and worthy of love. I hope to grow old with him someday. Some couples that have stayed together for years and are blissfully happy seem to have it all figured out.

    While there will always be somebody younger or prettier, what matters is the love you share. To think that some men can simply replace their wife or significant other because her looks don’t measure up is very sad indeed. I’m not talking about a woman that’s morbidly obese and has poor hygiene and a terrible personality and is painful to look at…I’m talking about women who are the ideal wife or partner in most ways, but their only flaw is that they don’t look like models/actresses. Their crime is not being eye candy or arm candy. It has always seemed very wrong (to me) for some men to view their wives as disposable the minute their looks start to fade, or the minute they see some other woman who makes it clear that she’s interested in an affair.

    This whole discussion reminds me of Betty Broderick, the woman who killed her cheating husband and his mistress in 1989. She was at a function with her husband when she heard him comment on how “beautiful” Linda Kolkena (the other woman) was. She was in her 40’s by then and Linda was 22. Betty had some insecurities about her looks and getting older, as many women do, and her husband magnified these insecurities by openly commenting on another woman’s appearance. Clara Harris also comes to mind…her husband made lists telling her how she could improve her appearance to look more like his office assistant (with whom he had an affair).

  18. 168
    nyxxx

    They go to separate colleges. He is likely well aware of the competition- she is surrounded by younger men, closer to her age than he is, she being in her twenties, he almost 40.
     That said, he should be handling this way more maturely and way more lovingly towards her.

  19. 169
    Laura

    Jazz – your husband does it on purpose, it isnt a slip of the tongue.  It is a control issue.  As long as he can keep you off balance thinking you might lose him he has you right where he wants you… worried – fearful – constantly trying to please him, making you value him more while obviously he has no real love or value for you or he wouldnt play that sick game.  It is his own low self worth – he knows you are able to get better than him and this is how he controls the situation.  Working isnt it? 

  20. 170
    Mark2012

    Why do men do this? Simple answer is because he wants you to put effort into being that attractive. Now, in return, this is the same thing as women constantly talking about other men who are higher achievers. Why does she do this? Because she wants you to work harder and achieve more so that she can brag to her friends. The truth is, women want their man to be the highest achiever in her circle of friends and relatives. If he is, this establishes her as the alpha female. What is odd is that this is old evolutionary traits coming out in today’s world. This explains why a woman can be a high achiever and yet still feel a deep need for her man to be seen as a high achiever. Relationships can’t even begin to blossom unless the man passes this litmus test. He has to, at a minimum, be impressive enough to gain the approval of women in her circle. Just being a great guy who treats her kindly is never going to be enough for most women. This has no value to them in the evolutionary matrix. Once a man passes that matrix, then yes, she will want those things from him. Nowhere is this more plain to see than with engagement rings. This is a right of passage for women. The thought doesn’t count here. The ring must impress her circle of women. If the man is rich, the ring is going to have to be disgustingly expensive. I see how much is spent on wedding dresses, and engagement rings, and think about how disgusting it is that people spend that kind of money on these things, a ring with a stone so common, you can pick them up on the ground in places where they are found, and a dress that will be worn once. For what is spent on these items, poverty could virtually be eliminated.

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