Should I Be Worried That My Boyfriend Stalks Women on The Internet?

Should I be worried that my boyfriend stalks women on the internet

I have a question about internet stalking, more particularly Facebook stalking. My boyfriend of two years habitually stalks other females on Facebook. It could be a crush he had in high school, or a random female from class. What they all have in common is that he talks to none of them, and goes to the extent of figuring out the female’s name to add to his stalk list. My boyfriend and I are both juniors in college, and we attend separate colleges. I attend a more prestigious college, I am attractive enough to get most of the men I desire, I treat him with respect, we have similar interests, we have a great sex life, I make an effort to drive 4 hours to see him at least twice a month, I always make sure he knows how incredibly amazing he is to me, I am a science major that scores in the top 10% of the nation, and he says I am the one.

What I do not understand is why he is still curious of other females? Although I may not be perfect (I mean I am obviously a bit insecure currently), what makes these other females so interesting he must check up on them whenever he is bored between classes or at home? Some of them are beautiful, some are trashy, and some I don’t find attractive. I understand beauty is subjective but would he really want to leave me for any of these females he knows nothing about? What about the hypothetical scenario in which he crosses paths with one of them, and the female fancies him? Should I be concerned that his lust would override his love for me?

I’ve talked to him and he assures me he would never cheat, but I am more concerned about the strength of his heart when surrounded by beautiful women. Can he gain self-control to defeat his urges? Or should I learn to accept that men will do this type of thing even if the man considers his woman to be the most beautiful in his eyes? Ultimately, if I was really “the one,” would I still have the problem? I have honestly never looked at another man with lust. I actually avoid looking at other dudes in general. Perhaps it’s because there is not nearly as many attractive men in this world as there are females…or maybe it’s just my town.

Thank you
Shell

Shell,

There’s so much here, I’m not sure where to begin. In no particular order, with no particular rancor:

1. You’re too young for this. I know you’re in love. The problem with being in love at age 20 is that you don’t have enough perspective on the world to make healthy long-term decisions. As I often say, think of yourself 5 years ago. What did you know then? Exactly. So consider that you’ll know infinitely more at age 24, and 29, and 34 and 39 than you do right now. If I were you, I would wait to get married at the age of 34.

People who get married before the age of 25 have a 75% divorce rate. That’s not just a coincidence. That’s a sign that you have a lot more living to do before you lock things in.

2. I know, I know: the heart wants what the heart wants. So am I telling you to just give up on men for 19 years? Sleep around without any feelings? Not even bother to cultivate any true intimacy with long-term potential until your thirties? No. I’m just letting you know that people who get married before the age of 25 have a 75% divorce rate. That’s not just a coincidence. That’s a sign that you have a lot more living to do before you lock things in.

3. A little free dating coaching:

      a. I’m sure you’re a catch. But it’s not because of your prestigious college, science major or GPA. Those things don’t make you a better girlfriend. They give you the freedom to earn your own living, which is valuable in its own right. Please don’t mistake your academic credentials with assets that add to your boyfriend’s life. You value them far more than he does.
      b. Your insecurity is causing you to overfunction in your relationship. Without knowing anything more about you or your ex, if you’re the one who is doing all the driving, there is a power imbalance that needs to be restored right now. What if you never drove to him again? Would that be the last time you saw him? Presuming he has a car, how about you switch off who does the 4 hour drive? Let’s see if he has any skin in the game or if you’re just propping up this relationship with your own efforts.

Finally, your question itself was about Facebook. Let me distinguish between what is normal and what is weird:

Normal: All the benign behaviors of looking up pretty women on the Internet.
Weird: If he actually has something called a “stalk list”.

I’m not going to go into why men look at other women in great detail, since I’ve already done it here and here, but suffice it to say that normal, red-blooded guys do the same exact thing, including yours truly.

I’m obviously not saying this to make myself look good. I’m saying this because it’s important that someone come out and tell the truth – a guy can have all the integrity in the world, be happily married, and still find sexy pictures of other women to be enjoyable. We’ve spent a lot of time on the blog fighting this battle, and God knows, I don’t want to do it any longer, but essentially, you have two choices: accept the fact that he looks at pictures in his own time, but is otherwise an excellent boyfriend, or forbid him from doing it, which will both build up resentment (how well do YOU respond to being told what to do and not being trusted?) and, more likely, force him to lie to you about his behavior.

Looking at pictures isn’t a failing of character; infidelity is.

There’s a far cry from looking at Facebook pictures, Maxim magazine, and online porn, and picking up chicks in bars and trolling Craigslist for Casual Encounters. Looking at pictures isn’t a failing of character; infidelity is.

The unfortunate truth is that you both need to experience a lot more partners to know what “normal” looks like, and make a good, informed, long-term decision. I’m not saying you should dump him for the Facebook thing or the distance thing. I’m saying that you’ll both be absolutely fine if you do.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    starthrower68

    I would encourage you both to take a break and date around.

  2. 2
    Stacy

    Ummm…why are you asking why is the questions. Get the hell out of dodge!  Jeez.

  3. 3
    Stacy

    One more thing…

    I have learned a valuable lesson in my 36 years..

    STOP trying to understand ‘crazy’.    

    1. 3.1
      Adrian

      I don’t know Stacy, if her boyfriend has a actual list of girls that is called stalk list then yes, he has issues and she should run quick! But, if like Evan says he is just a normal young guy who likes to look at attractive women, then it’s not crazy, it’s just a case of not being either mature enough to appreciate who he has, or it’s because he isn’t really to into his girlfriend anymore and these girls are potential future girlfriend candidates in his eyes.

      In my opinion for the “average” guy under 27 years of age, 2 years with the same person is a long time, it’s most likely that he is still with her more because of comfort and familiarity and even if he has dreams of one day making her his wife, he still wants to experience all the woman he “thinks” he has a chance with. There is just so much eye candy for both sexes in college both mentally, emotionally, and physically, that a person without maturity struggles to stay focused (notice I didn’t use the word faithful). 

      Lastly I have to agree with Evan, guys don’t care about all the things she listed, the only things we care about is how she makes us feel and her face and body. In his early to late mid-20’s, it will be more of her looks and if his friends think she’s attractive. She listed some of the girls as being trashy, in a guys 20’s trashy = easy to sleep with (in his mind), and a freak in bed, doing all the things his girl won’t or is to scared to… Again this is in his mind. As a matter of fact I meet guys like this of all ages. Evan did right to focus more on her doing all the work, as being the problem, then just at him staring at attractive girls he would like to “possible only”  sleep with. 

  4. 4
    Giovanni

    I consider myself a normal, red blooded man and I don’t have a problem with on occasion looking at beautiful women’s photos. That being said, I would have some concern with the way he is “stalking” these other women especially if he’s in a serious commit relationship. I’ve found that when I’m in a serious relationship, I don’t need to look at a bunch of other beautiful girls photos. It is inappropriate and disrespectful to his girlfriend. 

    I was was told something a long time ago, look at a persons actions, they speak much louder than their words. It will reveal their true feelings.

    If you really love him, then Evan is right if he makes an effort to put some skin in the game, then you’ll know if he really means what he says. 

  5. 5
    Kathy

    My advice as a 28 year old woman… dump him! Distance relationships dont work, less when you are doing all the work of driving. You are both too young to know what a healthy relationship, give yourself time to studying, hang out with friends and date other people.

  6. 6
    Henriette

    Evan, thank you for putting the ideal marriage age at around 34 years-old.  Lately, I’ve read too many blogs that urge people to marry young and I think they are dead wrong.  Yes, I’m now in my mid-40s I do wish I hadn’t waited THIS long but I agree that the 20s should be a time of learning and exploration instead of making lifelong commitments. 

  7. 7
    flonie

    I thought I was the only one that felt like the poster, still…I’ve had to come to the reality that men are very much different than women.
    When I’m in a relationship, I don’t find other guys attractive.  I know some people may not believe me, but it’s just not the same.  I’m sure Evan or some people will think that I’m lying to myself or the person I’m seeing.  Case in point, I may be dating someone that may not be a 8 or 9 to me but somehow, I connect my feelings with his appearance and he’s the only one I think about and want to be with.
    I was told by one guy that after meeting me, watching porn didn’t seem to do it for him. Maybe it was because of the thought of being with a partner was more attractive than watching other people doing it.  Well, here I was thinking, great…Only did I find out later, he did go back to watching it and I didn’t find out until I pressed him.  It was disappointing to say the least for me, because like the poster, I begin to internalize and say “What’s wrong with me? Am I not good enough?” Yeah I’ve got self esteem issues…
    “I don’t look at other people, why can’t you uphold the same standard” I didn’t say that, but I thought that…well..maybe I did say it…anyways…He told me men are wired differently, something about the coolridge effect…
     
    When I read up about that, it was kinda scary…basically, a few sites I found talking about the coolridge affect state that men are programmed to leave a relationship at some point, so you (as a partner) either have to step up your game so that things are always exciting for him…or run the risk of him losing interest and leaving…
    As far as guys facebook stalking, I suspect alot of guys that were broken hearted by their ex’s facebook stalk them on some level.  It’s tough to prove and you don’t want to be accusatory about it either.
     
    Just my two cents. 
     

    1. 7.1
      Adrian

      Or Flonie, you could take the easy route and just pick a man with integrity, maturity and self control. I love looking at beautiful women too! But I wouldn’t be rude and do it infront of my girl/wife, and I wouldn’t do anything to “intentionally” hurt her. The coolridge affect is biology, but it doesn’t mean they man you are with will just succomb to his reptilian desires

      Evan wrote about this topic, but I’m too lazy to look it up right now, just choose wisely. 

      1. 7.1.1
        Brittany

        The term you’re both referring to is the Coolidge effect. And, Flonie, the Coolidge effect has nothing to do wth men and porn watching, nor does it really have to do with human males, specifically. It was about the male species, yes, but of all mammals- and one of the biggest differences between a human male and a male rooster, as goes the story after which it was named…humans have to develop character… which is what Evan always preaches is the key to finding the right (good) guy. Watching porn doesnt define his character- picking up prostitutes does. Watching porn is very natural, and certainly doesnt mean you arent “doing it” for your guy.

        1. flonie

          That’s it, Coolidge effect.  I didn’t hear about it until a guy I am interested basically said all men are prone to watching porn because they are wired a certain way.
          The fact that I don’t get excited watching porn, does that mean I’m somehow defective to my species??

  8. 8
    Morris

    Although I agree with the advice I have to object to the 34 years old as the ideal age to marry thing. Add a couple years of married life before having kids and you’re talking 36-37 before having your first child. If having children isn’t a priority it doesn’t matter if it’s 34, 44 or 54.(But definitely NOT 24.) If having children IS a priority I urge women, and men to a lesser extent, to have their fertility tested.

    I think there are many women making bad decisions thinking their clocks are ticking. Even when they are NOT. And many women playing the field thinking they have all the time in the world because they do yoga and are fit. Which may or may not be the case.

    I have a friend that just had a baby at 40 and she has been popping them out every 3 years like clockwork. I have another friend that has been trying for 5 years without any luck. She has tried IVF multiple times and nothing seems to take. If she would have know about her egg quality earlier in life she might have frozen her eggs or moved her timeline up a bit.

    1. 8.1
      Julia

      Thank for being concerned with my fertility Morris. I will be marrying at 34 and plan to have my child (the only one) by 35-36. I know, I should be worried because obviously my ovaries will have shriveled up be then. I am not so concerned though, I know several women who had serious fertility issues in their mid-20s and went on to having multiple children. I know even more women who had children in their late thirties and early forties with no difficulty at all.

      But if I do have problems, I’ll make sure to hate myself every day for waiting for my awesome husband to be to come into my life rather than just getting knocked up by someone and being a single mom. 

      1. 8.1.1
        starthrower68

        Methinks the lady doth protest too much. I think he was merely suggesting that fertility testing might be a good idea at a certain age in case medical help is needed, plus he gave examples of a one older woman he knows for whom fertility hasn’t been a problem.

        1. Julia

          You think I protest too much, I think he’s a typical MRA type whose shaming women for not having children when they are 22. I will not be testing my fertility unless my OB/GYN (you know the people who actually have medical advice to give on this subject) tells me to. I don’t need a strange man on the internet to tell me what I should do because I was naughty and didn’t marry the first man I saw.

        2. starthrower68

          Fair enough. Although the reason you are perturbed at his comments are prolly the exact reason why it doesn’t seem useful to invest much emotion in a mere opinion.  Since he has no power to force you to do anything, he can be easily dismissed.

        3. Morris

          Julia. Are you sure you read my post from beginning to end? The things you extrapolated from it are pretty far fetched.

          I’m not sure how having knowledge about your fertility can be a bad thing. It can make you plan things differently or re-priorities what’s important in your life. Like say if you are focusing on a business and placing a relationship on the back-burner.

          And why would you wait for your OB/GYN to tell you to get a test done if YOU value having a family? It WOULD be nice if they brought it up whenever it was relevant but ultimately it’s YOUR responsibility.

           http://www.shape.com/blogs/shape-your-life/more-doctors-talking-about-age-fertility-female-patients
           

      2. 8.1.2
        flonie

        Hi there, thought I’d dip my toe slightly into the waters here.
        I don’t think Morris intended that comment as a comment to chide all women for not having children earlier. 
        I’m around 37, in my twenties I didn’t date because of one bad experience and i figured “Love will just happen” yeah right.  So here I am, and low and behold, wouldn’t you know…the guy I am interested in has no desire to have children whatsoever.  And I’d like to think that women can still have children into their mid forties, I’m not so sure.
        Don’t get me wrong, I don’t cry that I don’t have kids. I mean, it wouldn’t have worked out back in the day and I don’t know if I’m mom material. However, sometimes I do wonder if my clock is ticking because I’m approaching that age when everyone seems to think “it’s too late” to have kids. I don’t want to rule out the possibility of having kids but I’m at the point now where I begin to wonder if it’s not too late.  I don’t think it is, but my guy seems to think so and again, he has no desire for children whatsoever…

  9. 9
    Brittany

    I have to say, I’m torn both by the OP and Evan’s comments. I know Evan’s said time and time again- looking at other women is natural, every man does it, etc….and that’s great; I agree. I’m in a committed relationship and, as a woman, I too look at attractive men’s photos. And one in the same, I know my boyfriend looks at other women’s photos. Totally natural, especially in the social media age where everyone narcissitcally posts a new picture of themself every day. Where my issue lies, and I’m not sure if the OP has the same problem, or if hers stops at looking- I draw the line at any type of communication with that lookee (i.e., the person whose pics your oogling). If I find an attractive guy’s instagram, and I scroll through his pictures…cool. Job done. I looked, I saw, I smirked; whatever. I don’t need to ‘like’ it and leave my comment of appreciation…know why? Because I know 2 things: 1) they already know they’re hot, hence their previous 758, whatever, likes. Mine is unnescessary. And 2) If I can ask myself “Would my SO doing the same thing hurt my feelings?” and answer Yes; I’m not going to do it. Now, call me crazy, but I expect the same in return. Particularly with something as stupid as feelling the urge to leave a comment.

    1. 9.1
      Adrian

      Brittany maybe it’s not a male/female thing, but a insecurity thing (I’m addressing the subject not you and your boyfriends relationship). Because, he is with you, so what’s wrong with telling someone who you find attractive that they are attractive? There is no harm in telling a person you will never meet that they are “hot”!

      It’s only a problem if the person in the relationship wants to continue to talk to the person and eventually one day meet. And flaw with your second reason is: If the other person doesn’t find a problem with act and wouldn’t be hurt by it, does that mean that they are okay to do it? There thought process will be: “It doesn’t hurt me, and I wouldn’t mind, so neither would she/he”.

      I think this is just something that people in a relationship should talk about instead of taking for granted their partners views and feelings. Because you have no problem with your guy looking at other pics, women like the Original poster and Flonie, do. Different standards.  

      Though again I think it’s comes down to trust and confidence in the strength of your relationship and your partner, different people are insecure about different things. And I couldn’t find anything on it, but I always wondered, do women also suffer from the coolidge affect? Everything I found only spoke about men.

      1. 9.1.1
        Brittany

        I agree, I think insecurity definitely pays a role too. I know that, in my relationship specifically, we both tend to be a “jump to conclusion” type of person- not super healthy, of course, but it’s something we realize and are working on fixing. Neither of us has wronged the other, but we’re each more sensitive than the average joe. For us, my whole “if it would hurt my feelings if they did it, dont do it” works because we’ve found we feel very similarly in what the other doesnt appreciate. I definitely see what you mean though, about that not working for others. It certainly wouldnt have worked in my past relationships!

        I haven’t looked into the Coolidge effect extensively; I’ve heard Dr Drew Pinsky talk about it before, which is why I know the little that i do about it, but I would think it would have to cross over in women/the female species, too. People seem to relate it to men cheating, and getting ‘bored’ with their partner, but really it just describes how variety is more exciting. I dont think (some/most?) women would disagree that alittle variety never hurt anyone…but I do think, in humans, it still all comes down to character and choices. Could having a romp with a new, exciting partner all of the time be fun as all hell? Sure! Would it also be fulfilling though? For me, no way- though the temptation of being with others is there, I’d rather a nice evening with my guy. Then again, I dont know much about the swinger culture, but those who partake in it seem to have a blasty blast 😛

        1. Brittany

          One more thing! When you said “Because, he is with you, so what’s wrong with telling someone who you find attractive that they are attractive? There is no harm in telling a person you will never meet that they are “hot”!” I ask then, what if it is someone they know?

          This is the problem I have; where is the line then? It bothers me slightly when it’s a famous person/model, yes (insecurity, I know- working on it 🙂 ) but I can let that go…say, a girl that works at the bar we frequent? Or someone we know from college? Is that ok, then? To me, absolutely not. If we saw her in person and she looked nice, saying “oh, you look nice”, fine…going out of your way to look up her pictures and comment on them…extremely bothersome.

          Just curious what your (and other’s) thoughts were!   

        2. Adrian

          Hmmm… Well Brittany, it depends… Are you talking about someone that my partner constantly tells me and others that they think that person is gorgeous and sexy or are you talking about a comment they made casually once?

          Psychology today wrote an interesting article on jealousy and insecurity, in which the author argues that contrary to the popular doctrine of belief, both are normal and healthy as long as it in moderation and for the right reasons. It shows you value that person and the relationship, not that you are weak or that you have low-self esteem.

          Again it depends on the circumstance of the jealousy and insecurity:

          1). Your boyfriend flirting with another girl and always bragging about how sexy she is. Yes it’s normal to get jealous and insecure over this.

          2). Your boyfriend makes a casual comment about a friend that you see often from college, or the sexy female bar tender -though it’s shows his lack of tact-, he isn’t chasing or desiring her, he basically just “thought-out-load” as they say. To get insecure or jealous over that… Yes, Brittany, it’s normal! It’s only unhealthy if you make it into a problem and stop trusting him or start accusing him of things.

          Emotions are normal and healthy, it’s how we act on those emotions that make insecurity and jealousy unhealthy. So depending on if it’s scenario #1 or #2, I wouldn’t pay it no attention, I know that she knows and see’s people every day that are more intelligent, taller, sexier, handsome, funnier, charismatic, etc than me. A huge part of being in a relationship is about trust and watching for consistency in your partner’s actions, even if it means recognizing that they are human and some times they will say things that “unintentionally” hurt us. 

  10. 10
    JB

    I guess I’m really having a problem with the word “stalking”. I look at people I’ve known from the past all the time on Facebook just to see what they’re up to. I look at both women and men, exes and women I just knew “way back”, attractive and ugly, guys I knew from school etc…. I do it out of curiosity. It has no bearing on the woman I’m dating whatsoever in fact it’s really none of her business. “Hey, there’s my ex with her new lawyer boyfriend”. Good for her! “Hey, there’s the woman I’ve been talking to on Match with her new fiancé?” Huh!!?? Her profile is still up and she’s engaged? Oh well…… “Hey, there’s Joe from high school” he’s doing great! Am I “stalking” these people just because I look at their FB page? The point is in this day and age where some want to broadcast their lives all over the internet a lot of us are going to be curious as to what people they’ve known are up to. As long as they’re not emailing them saying “let’s get together” it’s harmless entertainment!

    1. 10.1
      Selena

      JB, you wrote exactly what I was thinking.  FB is essentially a public invitation for anyone who’s interested to look you up. Like you, I’ve looked up all kinds of people from my past out of simple – I wonder where they are/look like now – curiosity.  I’ve looked up people I don’t know personally – like Evan! 🙂   Stalking is forcing unwanted attention on another person.  Looking at a public internet page is not stalking.

      I have some friends and family members who check FB  two or more times daily to see what their friends are doing.  Since the posts are usually mundane,  I don’t quite see the point in doing that.   I suspect for many folkes – and perhaps Shell’s bf- it’s a case of initial curiosity become habit.

  11. 11
    Alena

    I look people up on facebook all the time, men, women I know or used to know, celebrities etc. I wouldn´t care if my boyfriend did the same. I guess others would read Hello!-magazine for the same reasons: boredom, curiousity, habit, maybe somewhat attraction or rather jeaulosy.

  12. 12
    Maddy

    Yes, you should be worried. He is obviously a self-centered, callous, disrespectful prick and that behavior is borderline scary. 
    Why don’t you check out the market a bit, you know browse some hot guys’ facebook pages? See how he likes it (I’m a 100% sure what would happen). 
    You have an education go get that money and don’t play back-up mommy with access to vagina for someone who clearly doesn’t have the same morals as you and hence is way below you. 
     

    1. 12.1
      Adrian

      To be fair Maddy, we don’t know this guy or his side of the story, all we know is the story of a emotionally hurt young girl. I’m not taking up for him, I’m just saying: “Hey may not be the devil in human flesh that your post paints him to be”.

      I’m guessing you are a fan of Evan’s since you are here, do you really think a girl like this would have not felt the same with Evan, a guy who we all mostly agree is a good, faithful, family and relationship oriented man? He, is a natural flirt, is a social charmer, keeps in contact with ex’s, has many female friends, watches the occasional porn and he too looks at other women’s pictures online. As Brittney said above, you can be a good man, and still be… well human, with human likes and flaws.   

    2. 12.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      “Why don’t you check out the market a bit, you know browse some hot guys’ facebook pages? See how he likes it (I’m a 100% sure what would happen).”

      Thanks for giving the same advice as a spiteful 8-year-old would give. Wise, mature, effective, sure to elicit a positive result. If you’ve been cheated on, CHEAT. If your boyfriend flirts inappropriately, FLIRT inappropriately. Because, you know, two wrongs really DO make a right.

      If the OP doesn’t like her boyfriend’s behavior, she has two choices, stay or go – not to engage in childish games designed to teach a tone-deaf lesson.

      1. 12.2.1
        Maddy

        I’m not saying two wrongs make a right, I’m saying to recognize a wrong for what it is. And not make excuses, beat around the bush or let it slide because he’s a man. 

        So you do see it on the same level as cheating or flirting? That’s interesting. Because if it were a women doing this, the relationship would be over, since she would have disqualified herself as “relationship material”. But if a man does it there’s a thousand and one excuses that he is deep down inside a nice, loving, caring guy (despite evidence to the contrary: just taking a look at the fresh meat that’s out there and finding out the names of good looking meat so he can keep up with said meats activities and whereabouts). 

        Again, to the women who asked for advice : get a career so you are not at the mercy of an immature, ungrateful creep. 

         

        1. Adrian

          Maddy, I’m just curious, how long have you been reading this blog? Have you read the recent post about courtship? I only ask because on that post, lots of men were accusing Evan of doing the same thing you are now, except they were saying that Evan “ALWAYS” takes the women side. 

          I don’t know you, but I’m guessing that you have been hurt or seen some guys hurt women and that is unfortunate, but here on this site we try not to take any side but the side of truth, because most people on this blog recognize that both men and women have been hurt by the opposite sex -though who is hurt more and greater is always debated (^_^)-.

          Evan has said things that offend both genders, and again where in his advice to the Original poster did he take anyone’s side? He told her to dump the guy if she is the only one putting in an effort to make the relationship work or if he does actually “STALK” women and it wasn’t just something the OP was calling it. 

          Anyway, I’m not attacking you, I’m sure that you probably have many great experiences and views that can help us all grow on this site, I just ask that you understand that when someone writes in, we only have their side of the story and most cases are with women or men who are writing when they are hurting emotionally.

          Again, the boyfriend might be scum, but we don’t know, and calling him that won’t help Shell. Honestly I think telling her that she is young is like water on a ducks back, it’s just going to roll off her. At that age, we dont’ think we are young, we “know” too much to be corrected by someone who doesn’t understand us. And that’s just it, we do understand because we have all been there, so telling her dating and getting married under a certain age is a waste of time, but telling her what to look for in a good -normal- boyfriend (like Evan did), will help her in the long run, just calling her boyfriend a prick doesn’t.  

        2. starthrower68

          At some point, somebody has to choose not to engage in the animosity between men and women.  That is a mature decision. Calling someone we do not know a immature creep, not so much.  It’s an exercise in futility to engage in character assassination as it does not tell the poster what action she can take or not take.  And telling her to engage in tit-for-tat behavior is useful for no more than a fleeting sense of satisfaction that usually backfires.

        3. Evan Marc Katz

          Read my original post again. I think you sort of missed the advice part. May have been a little too subtle and nuanced.

        4. Iris

          Hear HEAR..’. Very VERY well put.. high five Maddy..’. Thank Goodness at last someone on my page’ .. your right, no two ways, you my luv – are spot on’ . Phew. . It’s a simple equation . . ‘Just being ‘a man’  just ‘looking’. Lol.. wise up luvly ladies .. you know’ it’s true .. Xxxxx..

    3. 12.3
      Clare

      Wow, after reading your post I know who comes out in a better light between you and the OP’s boyfriend.

      Way to judge someone you’ve never even met. 

      1. 12.3.1
        starthrower68

        It’s kind of hard to tell because of where the comments end up, I hope Evan knows my comment was for Maddy and not him.

  13. 13
    Shell

    I just wanted to say thank you for taking your time to respond to my question. I have utilized your suggestion about having him come see me, and he does! Which is great and all. I’ve also have learned to care less about his Facebook activity since then. I wrote this in distress, it was as though my romantic dream of a man with tunnel vision for only me was shattered. Although, I’m glad to know many men do use facebook to look at women. When I used the term stalk list, I meant he would look up the same girls often. However, for other women in my position I believe this issue gets better in time. It’s one of those transparency vs. Ignorance is bliss deals In which the facebook issue, like Evan said, is a far cry from real issues. Although, I don’t really qualify that type of facebook activity as any reason to dump a person ( I just felt disrespected), or the fact I’m young and should explore. Perhaps I’m a dreamer, but there’s still a 25% success rate! Haha again, thanks for reading my email Evan! It’s kind of helps me to know that my academic credentials don’t really matter all that much, strangely it helps my security a bit more. It also helps to realize that if my relationship does end, for any of those possibilities you listed, my life won’t. Who knows, maybe I’ll dedicate my life to backpacking and field work.

    1. 13.1
      Julia

      Shell,

      I am glad you are much calmer now. I want you to understand that if you graduate without an engagement you will be part of the majority. Your dating life doesn’t end after college. In many ways, mine didn’t really begin until about 27 (I too had a long distance BF in college, we didn’t work out) So do things you love but understand that if you are single at 25, it doesn’t mean you are destined to a life alone, quite the opposite, many people don’t meet their future spouses until their late twenties-thirties. 

  14. 14
    Katie

    Evan, does your advice remain the same if it’s women the bf knows personally or used to date? Say, for instance, that a guy begins following on Instagram/liking nude or revealing pictures of a girl that he used to date or “was really close to”. Is it perfectly normal behavior and something that the girlfriend should accept, or is it the sign of a problem in the making? Also, what if he still has interaction with the girl in question? What if it’s a classmate, coworker, someone that he has regular access to (so it isn’t just a out of reach celeb crush).

  15. 15
    Kat

    I’m reading this because I’m going through a similar situation. My boyfriend regularly stalks about 4 women on facebook, with a few more that he checks out often. Sometimes it’s once a month, sometimes it’s every other day, sometimes 10 days. I know this because I have access to his FB. We had broken up last year for a few months because he was so lusty, wanted to act on it, and didn’t want to cheat. We’ve been repairing our relationship and just last week we had a long talk where he told me that he’s a lusty guy and that he still lusts after women. I told him that if he’s out there lusting after other women that I wasn’t going to be here, and that he has to make a choice. He said that he knows that, and that he might be lusty but that he wants to be with me and build something, that he wants to come home to me, (we don’t live together),  that I’m his best chance at happiness, that I’m so beautiful, that he loves me so much that he got scared and ran away, that he was never very good at ‘chasing tail’, and that even when he caught it, it never turned out well…etc… Then just last night he looked up 11 different women!! One was a 3 week fling he had when we were broken up, another a one night stand. The others are all women he’s flirted with and finds attractive physically. He told me the other night that he was still ‘hung up’ on one of these women but it’s purely physical. I don’t know what to do about this! I feel so betrayed! Yes, I shouldn’t be looking at his facebook, I know…I do it because I don’t trust him! And I feel that I have good reason to not trust him. I know that he loves me, and he’s above and beyond good to me,  but if he’s still searching for these women on facebook, I don’t think he is devoted to me and our relationship in mind, heart and spirit, and maybe not body if he’s getting off on their pictures.

    1. 15.1
      Ashley

      Yes! This is exactly how I feel. He’s done the craigslist thing, made dating profiles, attempted to talk to “stalkees” or whatever, plus adds dozens at a time on Facebook/Instagram (though hasn’t lately. He’s stopped it all but still ALWAYS looks at this particular list of girls . It hurts and is disrespectful and no matter how many times I say so (been over 3 years) he still does it. I can’t deal with it anymore and I don’t trust him because of this and other things.

  16. 16
    JoJO

    Do not intentionally harm, mentally, soulfully or physically:  yourself, others or any thing.

    That kind of sums up human ethics, or to dumb it up “normal” on a universal scale.

    Then go from there….

    If you’re doing harm, maybe think about stopping that.

    If your receiving it, maybe think of a way OUT.

    For those who don’t get it, there are what are called consequences.  Meted both ways.

    For those who do get it there is mercy.
    Go forth and do no harm again… do that ….

    For those who do harm or receive harm unintentionally, there is hope… that you’ll seek or be shown understanding and guidance.

    I think that is Evans main purpose.  You may need guidance before you can find what you’re looking for.  Some people have missed out on this in their lives.

     

     

  17. 17
    JoJO

    To make an easy point:

    Man walks his dog…

    Other men are walking their dogs.

    NOT ONE man will EVER think his DOG is worse then ANY others.

    Each man will think in his heart, mind and soul

    My Dog is Better than your Dog.

    And I’m talking DOGS here people….

    Geesh  will someone ever just GET IT !!!!!!!!!!

     

  18. 18
    T-Cat

    I don’t like having men that I’m interested in on my social media, as they can check in on me & what I’m doing without having to put in the effort to call me up. I feel like it makes men lazy. Also, I feel like it reduces a significant amount of the mystery a woman is supposed to have…

  19. 19
    Sandra

    Evan it is so irresponsible of you to tell women they should marry at age 34…when fertility begins to decline in the mid 20s for both men amd women! For women the quality of their eggs starts to drop amd therefore they are more likely to have children with genetic mutatations such as extra chromosomes, etc. For men, the quality of their sperm begins to drop. It is not as strong and doesn’t compete with the sperm of younger men. Basically the swimmers are not as strong and fast amd less likely to impregnate a woman even a very young fertile one. The least you could do is warn them, advise them to save up for freezing their eggs . I know of women who can’t have kids and are only in their early 30s. The only silver lining os that scientists have already found promising evidence to reverse menopause. It will happen but we can’t be sure when exactly and shouldn’t bank on it as it may be too late for some of us.

  20. 20
    Michele

    I think it’s best to end it and consider cutting your contact with him. I’m concerned that this guy will put her on his list next.

  21. 21
    Momomo

    34 is late to be hedging for a marriage if want kids. Especially more than one. Also, if guys habitually spend time looking at women…. I’d say they need to find something better to do. Yes guys look at girls, but if it makes you uncomfortable – trust your instincts. That’s really what he needs to be explaining to thus young woman. People can fall in love at 20 and let’s face it…. Stalk list equals loser. She’s smart and her instincts are good.

  22. 22
    Elisabeth

    This website perpetuates male sexual entitlement. It is unethical to advance a philosophy  that reaffirms mens’ ability  to disrespect their partners and other women because of “biological impulses.” It is more likely that this supposed biological hardwiring is actually the result of societal conditioning. However, it appears more convienient for this website to rationalize men’s questionable behavior as natural  thereby reinforcing a sense of entitlement. Truth is, if your husband thinks he’s a standup guy trolling social media to look at pics of other women or going to strip clubs he isn’t a good guy. His entitlement puts his “needs” first and enables his to disregard your resulting feelings of discomfort or inadequacy. In other words, his entitlement gives his partner unequal footing in the relationship. I urge women everywhere to stop rationalizing men’s disrespectful behavior and to start demanding more respect for themselves.

    1. 22.1
      Victoria

      ❤️❤️❤️👍👍👍🥂 Amen to that!!

    2. 22.2
      Iris

      So SO true .. phew’. At last . . 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼

    3. 22.3
      Sum Guy

      I find internet stalking creepy no matter what the reason, by either sex.  And if it is an ex even more disturbing.

       

  23. 23
    Victoria

    Do not agree with the facebook perving for one reason and one only. These are REAL females that he KNOWS! Porn and “pretty” pictures are different, my guy can perve at all the hot women he wants online but if I busted him perving at women he knew from any stage of his life? I would not even question him. He be gone cos then I would know he would have sex with them if he had the chance as perving on them means he finds them attractive and if given the chance he probably cheat,  porn stars are not in his life, they just untouchable healthy normal fantasies that can NEVER hurt you, real life is so much different. If he perving at women he actually knows? stuff that! You aint as special as he claims you are.  Life too short to love a snake just to get bitten.

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