What If Women Were Like Men In the Bar Scene?


All I’ll say is this:

I’m not sure if it’s tougher to be a man or a woman in the bar scene. Guys face a lot of rejection. Women face a lot of creepy guys.



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  1. 31

    “Gina 11 and Tom 14: you’ve given me food for thought. If you’re being hit on by a man, is the trick to getting rid of him that you should turn it around, and start massively hitting on HIM?  (with the hope of creeping him out)  Or would that have the opposite effect, that he’d be too encouraged?”
    @Helen: I honestly don’t have an answer. How to respond would be dependant upon the particular situation that you were in. In my case, the men were so over the top with thier behabior, and I was so exasperated, I decided to playfully respond in kind. 

  2. 32
    Karmic Equation


    I disagree with you that I defend men. In the one thread where I was having a lively discussion with Karl R, you pointed out I was wrong. I was totally disagreeing with their positions, but YOU were defending them, by virtue of disagreeing with me.

    I would agree that I try to point out where women’s mindsets are wrong and that there’s a different way to think. If you want to call that preaching, ok. I call it thinking outside the box.

  3. 33

    I forgot to say how funny the scene in the video where the guys were dancing by themselves and the girls starting grinding up behind them was – we’ve all seen that before! ha ha.
    Joy #18
    “not wierd. what’s wierd is trying to desperately seal the deal with a complete stranger before closing time while intoxicated.”
    You’re probably right, although I find lots of things in this world are weird: wearing hats which have no function / going to church / worshipping celebrities etc.
    Different strokes for different folks eh!
    Karl R # 21
    “Sealing the deal is unnecessary. You just need to get far enough that you are able to make up the next step at a later date.”
    Well it depends on what the specific individual is looking for. If you are looking for some sort of relationship then yes it’s unnecessary to seal the deal that night. But let’s be honest, many people – men AND women (yes it’s true ladies) – go to bars just looking for nsa sex with someone cute. Setting up a next step at a later date is attaching strings and you lose a night that you could be doing something else (such as look for more sex!) That’s when it can be necessary to seal the deal before closing time.
    Helen #22
    Gina 11 and Tom 14…if you’re being hit on by a man, is the trick to getting rid of him that you should turn it around, and start massively hitting on HIM? Would that have the opposite effect, that he’d be too encouraged?
    Ha you’re right – it would almost certainly have the opposite effect: the man would probably think he was guaranteed to get some that night – unless you went to such an extreme that he thought you were simply nuts! Although that mightn’t necessarily discourage him either (she’s crazy so she might be into crazy sex – depends on the guyI guess). Just mention your hubby :)

  4. 34

    I’m not judging. I just know what I want and it isn’t that (instant sex). No one approaches like a regular person who happen to be here at the same time, hey nice to meet you etc. It’s more like someone standing next to you, then barricading you from others, trying to touch you, screaming in your ear, etc… Plenty of others ready for it there, pick them. Now I’ve got to check out Garfunkle and Oates!

  5. 35

    The bar scene is disgusting.  Men think they are entitled to hit on the ladies present.Naturally, if you are in a bar, you must be looking for someone and the one in front of you is happy to fill the roll!  Ugh!  Never liked the bar scene; not a fan! 

  6. 36

    Men constantly get rejected by women only approach supermodels or women who look like supermodels. The average looking girls are totally totally overlooked, if not totally invisible to men – yes, even by the average and below average looking men. So please don’t put up the sympathy card for men who get constantly rejected. I should know because I was one of those average looking women (who was slim and took pride in her appearance) only to be overlooked time and time again for the better looking women, many who were totally narcissistic, selfish, self absorbed and of course, mean in their rejection of men they felt were not in their league. You know what, I totally gave up, decided to learn how to take care of myself and do things for myself not expecting any man to do it for me. When my eventual hubby got together with me, I had a house, savings, capability and a grateful nature- and still married of course while my better looking friends all invariably ended up unhappy and divorced and freaking out about their disappearing looks.

  7. 37

    Androgynous #36,

    First, I just want to say I synpathize with you and I’m sorry you had to experience the shallowness of some men. Some people period are incredibly shallow- I mean they are not even nice or friendly. But, I have to disagree with your comment that men who complain about rejection only go after supermodels or 9 and 10 looking women. I have never been very comfortable at approaching people and many years ago I was extremely shy (I am 38 and male if you are not aware). Female friends have always told me I was a decent looking guy and attractive, but I always swore they were just being nice. I have been working out for 10 years and definitely do not lack muscles- more thicker with larger arms, legs, etc, I am about 210 pounds. I am not some lean looking guy with defined abs..I have no abs..LOL!

    Anyway, I just wanted to share a few of my experiences because I have experienced some similar things as you have described. I will cite some examples I can recall:

    One time I was out at a bar/club with a large group of friends- both male and female mixed. I am one of the quieter ones in the group. We were standijng near an area at one of the bars and this somewhat attractive looking girl kept walking by us and back again. I would give her an 8 in looks. Well, after about 20 minutes of walking past me I finally got up the nerve to say something. So when she passed me by I looked at her, smiled, and started to say something. You know what she did? She didn’t even turn her head to look at me. She reached out her arm and put her hand up to my face, as if to shut me up, then proceeded to walk by, never turnign her head in my direction.

    Another experience I had from online dating. I read a profile from a girl who looked cute- she had a nice smile which I like. Lookswise she was probably a 7. I would say her body had about 35 pounds of extra weight on her, so not slim by any means. I am ok with thicker women a well as thinner women. Anyway, she moved here from some distant state- her profile said she was new in town (I live in the Boston area). So I send her a friendly message saying she is very cute and where she moved from and such. We chatted back and forth a few times- seemed ok. Then her 3rd or 4th message to me said “You seem to be the typical Boston guy I keep running into”. I was baffled as to what she meant, so I asked her what that means. I can’t recall her exact answer but she basically gave me an insulting response that included calling me a midget and it was NOT written in a humorous way! I am not tall- at 5 foot 8-1/2 but am no midget either. It totally shocked me because I was nothing but friendly and kind to her and my God she was 35 pounds overweight!!!! She was 5 foot 7, BTW. Of course I snapped a nasty line back to her which is untruthful because I actually like thicker women, but hey she insulted me for no reason at all. I told her it was the last time I would ever give a fat chick a chance. I know, it’s not nice, but totally called for in this case. My apologies to any larger women reading this.

    Lastly, I went out with a girl once who was very pretty but very large- 400 pounds, in fact. We had a great date followed by a lot of making out (no sex, at her request which I respected). A week later she wouldn’t return my phone calls- no explanation, no reason at all. Never heard from her again after calling back a few times over a span of a few weeks. No real harm with this experience, but I wanted to include it to show you that we don’t always go after supermodels and still get rejected sometimes.

    So, I just wanted to show you that women can be just as rude, shallow, obnoxious, and downright mean as some of the men you have experienced and these are NOT SUPERMODELS!!! But, I just march forward and don’t look back. I used to get very angry at these types of people, but I don’t anymore. Fate has a way of handling people. Sometimes they will go thru rough times that I swear is just fate getting back at them- a rough divorce or an abusive parnter, ..etc. So, I have sympathy for the men who have to deal with these types of women as well as women who experience these types of men. But please realize the worst of women are just as bad as the worst of men. I used to think women were so innocent because of all the complaints I always read online from them about men. When I experienced things for myself I was dumbfounded to find all of the many things they complained about to be true of many women, as well!! I soon lost my ill-placed sympathy for the women in general. Additionally, I have a brother and a sister, I have female friends and I have male friends. I hold no bias either way as I don’t want any of them to meet a loser- albeit a man or woman!!

  8. 38

    Yes you’re right – I accept your point. I didn’t mean to elicit sympathy for the plight of rejection that men face, rather point out to Ruby that it’s not as easy as it looks to take it with a pinch of salt.
    I have genuine sympathy for decent women who make an effort to make the best of themselves only to be over-looked time and time again.

  9. 39

    I would like to add that sometimes average looking people take a passive role in making themselves as attractive as they might be.  And the operative word here is “attraction”, as in being able to draw people to you in some way, as opposed to solely “handsome” or “pretty”.  I wonder what some people say to themselves about improving their attraction prospects.  I’ve known women who would be considered average on the usual social rating scale, but who possess a radiant feature – maybe their hair, their smile, clear skin, body language, or a vivacious manner.  My sense is they are aware of that feature and recognize its value.  And how about the pictures most people post on online dating sites?  Why are most pictures so incredibly poor, or don’t emphasize positive attributes?  There’s probably nothing more attractive than a basically good-looking person – not the unattainable model types – who exhibits a confidence in their attractiveness and does everything possible to improve it.  Part of their attractiveness is a degree of modesty and being well-rounded, respectful to others, and being able to engage in conversation. Looks are a big part of the equation, but nobody except equally shallow types wants an empty character with whom to share their lives.

  10. 40

    Androgenous 36 
    I agree with your post. Guys will hit on the hottest women at a bar and likey not notice the rest.
    Am I the only person that doesn’t thing a bar is disgusting? I like to dance so most places Ive gone to dance have a bar.
    I met my husband of 20 years and my latest boyfriend in a bar LOL  No matter where you go there you are…. 

  11. 41

    funny as hell! 
    So is the weird guy the unattractive hater female friend who is always ready to go cuz she’s not getting action? hahahaha! ;)

  12. 42

    wow! that was an exact enactment of my adolescent / early adulthood as a woman! oh! those golden olden days. then somehow i was suddenly expected to be a lady. oh well. ;)

  13. 43

    I have noticed that sometimes the men in a bar only go for the most gorgeous women. However the extent to which this happens is greatly exaggerated. For example I am probably about a 7 on the looks scale. I do find the hot guys attractive but when in the vicinity of them I kind of tune them out naturally. The men I fancy are not the hottest ones but the ones more on my level. I believe that most men do this too. They don’t go for women who are really unobtainable either by their looks or status. Then maybe a lot of men start off thinking that they can get more and less any woman they so desire. The ones who think that it’s a God given right of theirs are the worst at handling rejection. I was talking to a male friend about this kind of topic and he said “all men have to settle on looks”. I don’t think he meant that in a negative way, he probably just meant that men start off with higher expectations before reality hits.
    When I’m on a night out I don’t tend to be very observant of who the men hit on. All I know is that they don’t always hit on me. And this isn’t a pity party. I think the reason they don’t is because to some extent I don’t make myself entirely approachable, and because I dress modestly. So I don’t believe this is anything to do with what I look like or because other women are hotter. As soon as you start getting angst-ridden over your looks, it’s a confidence drain. I don’t believe that men are shallow or as obsessed with looks as culture portrays. 
    I hate the thought of hurting a man’s feelings with rejection. I rarely come out with a blunt comment because it’s rude and I’d rather be subtle. But sometimes I’ve been forced to be rude because the guy has been really persistent and hasn’t read my obvious discomfort. At times I just want to be enjoy spending time with friends and not be hit on by some schmoozer. Those guy seem to talk through me as if they’ve already made it their mission to get me with as minimal required effort as possible.
    I do approach men sometimes. It’s not the fear of rejection that might put me off. More the fear that I’ll come across as “up for it”. On several occasions I’ve been having friendly conversation with a guy and he’s tried it on. I really don’t know how to approach a man without making myself extremely vulnerable.

  14. 44

    @Lucy #43
    I hate the thought of hurting a man’s feelings with rejection. I rarely come out with a blunt comment because it’s rude and I’d rather be subtle. But sometimes I’ve been forced to be rude because the guy has been really persistent and hasn’t read my obvious discomfort
    There is a lot of space between “rude” and “subtle” that you might not be using.  How about “I am with my friends and not interested in meeting anyone new tonight,” or “Your clear interest is flattering, but you are not my type.  Please leave me alone.” Neither of those are subtle (such as turning away when they try to talk to you) nor would any reasonable person think they are rude, and might get you what you want.

  15. 45

    The bar scene is much better for women than it is for men and there is simply no comparison!  Women go to bars to build up their own egos because they enjoy being hit on – even fat women will have some guys come up and talk to them at bars, whereas men often go to bars with maybe another guy friend and often don’t talk to anyone.  Women also tend to get attention from men who are out of their league, which essentially causes men to have to go for women less attractive than themselves if they are at a bar.

  16. 46

    I have to say this…I completely feel for men and the fact that they are putting themselves out there. I’m not talking about men who are jerks (rude, etc.), but the decent guy who’s looking to connect with and date someone. Even though it is the role we expect men to play, I don’t think that makes it easier. I suppose that over time, one could develop a bit of a thick skin. I am happily married with two kids now, but I can recall with utter clarity (and discomfort) a time 15 years ago when I was at a bar with a friend and asked this tall, attractive guy to dance. He looked at me with this patronizing smile and coldly said “no”. As in, “are you kidding me?”. It was absolutely the worst experience. I awful about myself (and, see? I remember this all these years later). I am not Hollywood, but I am considered in my circle to be attractive and fun. He had a girlfriend there that I hadn’t noticed, and I saw him telling her about my approach after. So my point? Rejection can and will happen. But there are nice ways to do it and rude ways to do it. And back in the day when I was single, and a guy asked me to dance or tried to engage, I was polite. Because, after all, it is flattery. And I respected his effort. And we are human beings and don’t deserve to treat anyone like crap at any time – unless they truly deserve it :).

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