Have You Ever Spied on Someone to See if They’re Still Using the Site When You Think You’re Starting to Get Serious?
Have you ever spied on someone to see if they’re still using the site when you think you’re starting to get serious?
How did you feel when you saw that they were “active within 24 hours”?
Did you confront/question your partner about their recent activity on the site or remain silent?
Did you feel you SHOULD continue to date other people because they were still active?
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54 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating
Jennifer 1
I haven’t, but I don’t harshly judge people that have because I understand why they would. To save everyone confusion though, I think ‘taking the profiles down’ should be talked about outright, likely in the exclusivity conversation, and not something that is just assumed.
Until a couple is exclusive, there’s really nothing wrong with being on a dating site. And just seeing that someone has been active isn’t necessarily useful information- they could’ve been active for a variety of reasons.
Cilla 2
Oooh, this is a really good one…
Your use of the word “spied” leads me to believe this is not something you will look on favorably, Evan. I’m not sure what you mean by “starting to get serious.” For some people that could mean dating only one person, for others it could mean sleeping together, for others it means contemplating a long-term, committed relationship.
“Spying,” “checking,” “assessing”–call it what you will, yes, I’ve done it. I still do it. I would guess a lot of people have.
I would love to think that a man telling me we are in an exclusive relationship is sufficient for me to trust him, but that just hasn’t been the case in my history. Twice, I’ve been in relationships where men have asked first for exclusivity and told me their profiles were being taken down off the dating sites where we met. My profile was already down in each of those cases–first, because I was hoping for exclusivity and didn’t think I could find it while dating other people, and second, because it was too difficult from a time management perspective to maintain a regular relationship while dealing with the volume of mail Internet dating generates.
In both cases, several months into the relationships something started to feel weird–less communication, more excuses why they were busy, etc. I tried subtly to find out what was going on without having one of those big where-do-we-stand conversations. I was assured everything was fine, they were just busy with work, etc. Still my gut told me something was wrong. I always listen to my intuition. And my intuition said “look online.” Sure enough, they were both active within the last 24 hours.
In one instance, I just let the relationship fade without confronting him about it. Surprisingly, I wasn’t that hurt, so I took it as a sign the relationship wasn’t meant to be anyway.
In the other case, I did confront him about it. I even gave him an out, asking if he was on the site just looking, to feel like there were options if things didn’t work out with us. His initial response was to accuse me of spying on him and showing a lack of trust for him. I replied that yes, I did spy on him, but it was a last resort when I felt he wasn’t being honest with me. And my suspicions were validated–way to deflect the conversation from what was essentially him cheating to me being distrustful! Never mind that I had every reason to be!
If we had been just casually dating, I probably would have kept mum and let it play out–he might have found out he preferred my company anyway. But since we had been sleeping together and discussing holiday plans, etc., I didn’t feel I could keep quiet about it. It turns out he did want to break up, but “didn’t know how to tell me without hurting my feelings.” (Yeah, this was a much better way to find out.) There’s more to the story, but essentially I think he just wanted to make sure he had another fish on the line before he cut me loose.
Now I pay closer attention to a man’s activity online. If he’s writing me long, personal emails, calling me, or dating me and he’s still “online now” every night, I keep contacting and dating multiple men. Maybe he looks at my profile every night and thinks the same thing, making it self-perpetuating. I don’t know. It’s certainly a conundrum with online dating vs. dating IRL. I guess someone has to break the cycle at some point and risk being hurt.
What I do know is the next time a man tells me he wants to be exclusive and is no longer active online, I need advice about how to proceed. Do I trust him and risk STDs, etc., if he’s sleeping with other women? Do I tell him, “OK, but I’ll be checking up on you”? (That doesn’t sound like a great way to start a relationship.) Do I secretly keep checking on him and confront him if I see activity? Do I trust him and only spy if something feels not right with the relationship? Am I naive to take a man at his word, given the statistics on infidelity? Am I just a typical once-burned-twice-shy woman who needs therapy for trust issues LOL?
Joe 3
Maybe their profile was still active on the site but hadn’t been visited for a while, and someone viewed their profile or sent them a message, and they popped in to check it out.
Or they could have visited the site to spy on YOU to see if YOU were still using the site!
Cilla 4
I read Jennifer’s comment after I posted mine. I just wanted to add that I think men and women are on dating sites for one reason: to date. Once you are with someone else in a mutually agreed upon exclusive relationship, you need to take your profile down. There are plenty of other ways to be pen pals, to post on forums, etc. Being on a dating site says to the world, “I am still available and looking.” Taking your profile down is the first step in saying “I have found the person I’ve been looking for.”
Steve 5
Post 1: I agree totally. I’ll add to that by writing that I think until people are exclusively dating that it is fair to leave the profile up.
Steve 6
FWIW, its not spying if it is public information. That person knows that his/her profile is visible and they know that the other person will be able to see if they go back to the site.
Either the person with the profile still up is doing something wrong and is really BAD at it or they see it as up-and-up. In other words there isn’t a mutual understanding yet of how exclusive the relationship is.
happy girl 7
I have not been in an exclusive relationship yet.But If that came up I would take my profile down. If I am dating I do see the person I am talking and emailing with online, but I leave them alone. I am also checking my emails and so why get upset about. Sometimes it is good to check as it is an indication if someone has been online and is not answering you back anymore that I can move on.
JB 8
I think it’s totally “normal” and I’m sure everyone looks to see when the last time a person they’re dating was or IS online. That being said on Yahoo I’ll sometimes delete a profile and put up a new “hidden” one the same day so that I can’t monitored by someone I’m dating. If they ask me “why I took my profile down” I usually just say “my subscription was about to run out and I didn’t want to be charged again right now”. Sometimes I’ll also “test” them with one of my recon profiles like let them know the “hot recon guy” looked at their profile or even wink to see if they “take the bait” and make a move to judge their interest level in me…..lol Yes, I know I’m so evil ….lol but you can learn a lot by “experimenting”.
Jane 9
Of course I look. But I don’t draw any conclusions. I log on for a variety of reasons and it wouldn’t bother me to see he did too unless my guy and I had agreed to be exclusive.
I did end a relationship once because he told me he was not on the site but it just so happened I was looking right at his profile. I ended it because he lied.
I wouldn’t take my profile down until I am making a commitment to dating just one guy and I don’t want to do that too soon. However, when I am interested in someone, I have noticed my enthusiasm for the whole process does wane and I end up not checking my message box as frequently. I would hope he would feel the same. The idea that the other women would just pale in comparison sounds like a good deal to me!
Jennifer 10
@Cilla,
I don’t think you were ‘spying’ at all on your dates; I agree with Steve that it’s public information. Spying is a loaded word when it comes to looking at a website!
Regarding your questions at the end, I believe intuition is a powerful thing. You had a feeling about both of those guys and you were able to go online and have your suspicions confirmed. But what if you were dealing with guys that you hadn’t met online and what if you were dealing with guys who were a little better at covering their tracks? I don’t think the real issue is how or when to confront a guy on his internet activity, cause you may not always even have that option, it’s about acting on how you feel, even in the absence of ‘proof’.
If you feel uneasy about a guy and you can’t put your finger on it and the feeling doesn’t go away, thats enough of a reason, in my opinion, to have a conversation with him. Not necessarily a ‘who is she and how long has this been going on’ accusatory convo, but rather an ‘im uncomfortable, and unless we do something about that i’m leaving because being uncomfortable all of the time isn’t fun’. It’s perfecly acceptable to do that, but women tend to always want/need ‘proof’ first. I get it, I just think its to our detriment.
I can guess you’ll be thinking ‘but what if it’s me? what if i’m just crazy and paranoid and he did nothing wrong?’ Well, i beleive that type of thing all works itself out too. I read somewhere once that if it’s right there is nothing you can do to ruin it and if its wrong there is nothing you can do to make it work. So if you subscribe to that, nothing to worry about. You haven’t been proven to be crazy so far, right?
Plus, I think people who have trust issues know it. Are you always uneasy? Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop? Are you paranoid someone is going to do you wrong even when you’ve just been on one date and they don’t owe you anything yet? Then you may have some trust issues. But that doesn’t seem to be the case with you.
As long as you do your part (trusting your feelings and acting on them, not waiting until you get ‘proof’ of wrongdoing, like some woman calling your phone) thats really all you can do.
I rambled a bit, hope that made sense.
Jennifer 11
For those of you wishing a little anonymity when checking to see if someone has been online, it’s possible on Match.com to sign out first (and make sure the automatic sign-in box is not checked) and then click on Search and type in the person’s username. Since you’re not signed in, you don’t appear in their “Who’s viewed you” area.
A-L 12
If I’m starting to get serious about a guy, then I may check to see if he’s still active online. If we’ve had the exclusivity conversation, however, I won’t and trust him to have taken his profile down.
Once I’ve started to get more interested/serious about someone I’ll take my profile down because until things end with him (or my feelings wane) then I don’t give other guys a real shot, and don’t want to be rejecting people who at another point in time could be a good match for me.
Doll 13
Once you are with someone else in a mutually agreed upon exclusive relationship, you need to take your profile down. Being on a dating site says to the world, I am still available and looking. Taking your profile down is the first step in saying I have found the person I’ve been looking for. or if for whatever reason you are unable to exclude your profile from the site, note somewhere that you are currently not looking at the moment. I have run into this problem, where I was unable to delete my info from the site, which I felt was very unfair and would not use that site again nor recommend it to anyone. Every time I would note that I was no longer looking, they actually would go in and remove that statement. Sad but oh so true, so watch out on what sites you use and their membership requirements as to when you are able to remove profiles.
Shari 14
Around a year ago, about 2 months after I started dating someone I met online, I took my profile off. I did this only because I needed a break from the charges of it. I had a child starting college that fall and wanted to save money. The guy though took it to mean I thought we were exclusive, when we both made it clear at the onset it would be casual dating, and he disappeared.
The man I’m currently dating I also met online and we’ve both kept our profiles on that site because they have blogs and the site is used for more than just dating. It doesn’t bother me that he’s still there, even though we’ve been together more than a year and are exclusively dating. I trust him.
Zann 15
I’ll sound like the oddball here, but I just don’t do it. Whether you call it spying, checking, or validating your suspicions, what it comes down to is a lack of trust. And I have never seen anything good come from it. I know a woman who has gone as far as checking her boyfriend’s phone to see “last number dialed” or checking his emails while he was in the shower & had left his email account open on his computer screen. To me, this is unethical and I’d be very pissed if a guy did that behind my back. If a woman is insecure (and we all are to some degree) and has trouble trusting, her relationship is doomed anyway..whether she gets her “intuitions” confirmed or not, because she will not rest until her those uneasy feelings are validated. I’m a strong believer in intuition, but truthfully, when it comes to relationships, there are times when what I think is my female intuition is actually my insecurity, my trust issues. So, I don’t do this type of checking and I’m happier for it. Call it head in the sand if you want. All I know is that I have more satisfying relationships than Nervous Nelly playing private eye. The last time I met a guy on line and we decided to be exclusive, nothing more was ever said about whether our profiles were still up. I never checked, because it didn’t matter to me. What mattered was that we were happy, and he treated me respectfully and lovingly. I accepted that and enjoyed it, assuming the best – giving him the benefit of the doubt, just as he did to me. Our relationship ended after one & a half years, but not because of any infidelity that I knew of. We had differences about our futures that we couldn’t resolve & we mutually decided to end the relationship. Since then, I’ve decided that’s the way I want to handle any future relationships, because any actions on my part that I wouldn’t want my man to know about are actions that erode the relationship. We have so much access to information now, information we never had in the past, but that doesn’t mean it should be used as a means to make us feel more secure in a relationship. You can’t guarantee loyalty by checking behind someone’s back. Relationships are always a risk, and if you can’t accept that type of risk and assume the best, you shouldn’t be dating.
Robert Lehrer 16
Several years ago, I met a lady that I was crazy about. Soon afterward, I stopped my paid subscription. I fell in love with this woman and didn’t even give online dating another thought…..until she noticed that I hadn’t removed my profile from the website.
After she told me how hurt she was, I explained what happened and I immediately pulled my profile down. I can understand a woman or man feeling insecure when they see their partner’s profile online.
The important thing in my opinion, is to talk about it with your partner and don’t assume anything about what the profile showing means. Talk first, then pass judgement.
Jennifer 17
um, just for clarity’s sake, the Jennifer of comment #11 is not me, the Jennifer of the earlier comments and other comments throughout the blog. It’s not a bad tip though
Lance 18
I do this every time and I expect it. If fact, I expect them to be dating other people even if we’re serious (ie having sex) UNTIL we have a specific conversation about being exclusive. After that point, I don’t spy, I stop looking, and I expect her to stop looking also.
Cindi 19
I’ve been dating a man I met online for nearly a year. Recently, he mentioned that he logged in to the dating website to see messages we had sent one another in the beginning. He also mentioned that, even though we get along so well, I was not his “top match”. I am not the jealous type, so at the time didn’t think twice about these comments. In the following few days, I started to get that uneasy, intuition-y “something is up” feeling. I totally believe in trusting that feeling. I know some people may think they are being paranoid, but if you have ever been screwed over by a boyfriend (or girlfriend) in the past, I think your brain recognizes differences in your partners behavior, even subtle changes (maybe that sounds strange but its always been right for me). Anyway, I couldn’t shake this feeling, so I did something I somewhat regret. I made up a fake dating profile, and added stuff I knew he would like, to see if he would message “fake me”. Well, he did. His comments were somewhat flirty, which stung. I knew I couldn’t tell him what I’d done, so I had a “talk” with him about my bad feelings. I told him that ever since he had mentioned going back on the dating site, that something seemed off. I told him that if he wants to date other people, hey, go ahead, but don’t tell me he thinks I’m “the one” while doing so. I told him that my cheating/fucking around policy is that the relationship is over, so what he wants to do is up to him. He deleted the profile and said I was right (like I didn’t know that). Now things are fine, but I do feel like this whole situation burst the bubble a little bit. I really hope this doesn’t happen again, that it was just a fumble. I also feel bad about the fake profile, but I can’t marry a guy who is out trolling for other girls on the side.That’s the shit thing about relationships, you just never know.
JuJu 20
I don’t spy. Regardless of whether we ever had the exclusivity talk.
There is something undignified about looking for such evidence, methinks.
If I feel something is wrong, I’ll just ask the guy point blank.
And oh, JB, if I found out the guy I was dating did that sort of thing, I would drop him just for that.
Joe 21
Cindi’s experience only proves Zann’s point.
Cilla 22
JuJu,
I think you can ask the guy point blank and he can still lie to you and say nothing is wrong. He can say you’re exclusive even if you’re not. That was part of my story: asking and having the exclusivity talk didn’t mean anything. Sad but true.
Cilla 23
Joe,
I disagree. If Cindi hadn’t done a little investigating on the side, she might not have known to have that crucial talk with her BF about her uneasy feelings. It’s hard for anyone to initiate a discussion based on a hunch or intuition, even if you trust your gut. Having her suspicions validated gave Cindi the confidence to have bring up her relationship status, even though she didn’t divulge her knowledge. And her BF opened the door by mentioning he was logging into the dating site to look at old messages (what a crock of horse hockey) and by saying she was not his “top match.” That sounds like “negging” to me–kind of waving it in her face, like he wanted her to feel insecure.
Cindi,
Dump him. You deserve better. Will you really be able to trust him 5 years from now if you guys are married?
JuJu 24
I know, Cilla, and so can women. =)
And yet I can’t name a single time in my own life when before things fell apart with somebody I really didn’t intuit anything, or that I hadn’t ignored any red flags. Not that many people are such great actors that one really doesn’t suspect a thing.
The most important thing here is not to lie to _oneself_.
Jennifer 25
@JuJu #24
I agree and have found the same thing to be true. If you pay attention from the beginning, not just to typical ‘relationship’ things but to how the person lives their life and their character in different situations, few things will take you by surprise.
Joe 26
Cilla,
You have a point that Cindi would not have known she needed to talk to her BF. However: “Now things are fine, but I do feel like this whole situation burst the bubble a little bit.” That sounds to me like there are lingering trust issues.
Not saying it would definitely happen, but suppose the BF came to his own conclusion, sans spying, that he wasn’t going to look around any more?
starthrower68 27
Resonse to Cilla’s #2: I might catch flack for my point of view on this, and that’s ok, we all have different opinions, but to address the part about what you said about someone has “to break the cycle first and risk getting hurt”? He needs to do it. I’m of the mindset that the woman should not be the pursuer. It’s not a male-bashing thing. I just believe that when the woman chases, the guy is lukewarm toward her at best. I’ve also checked up and I’ve bailed a couple of times when I found they were looking, not because I expected exclusivity at that point, but because I said straight up, “it’s fine if we see other people and not just each other, but be up front and honest about it”. Neither guy was honest; it was all, “oh no there’s no one else.” When they say there’s no one else, take that as a red flag; there may not be anyone else but that doesn’t mean they aren’t looking. It’s what they didn’t say that is the tip off.
starthrower68 28
I had another thought because you good folks always get the gears turning. I do see where the ones who say, “don’t look” are coming from and I don’t think you’re incorrect. But here’s why I would look: one of the ways to get on my wrong side is to insult my intelligence and play me for a fool. Few things will get me any angrier. If a guy cannot be honest that he doesn’t want to be exclusive especially when he is given the opportunity to be up front, then he hurts himself worse than he hurts me because it speaks more to his character than there being anything wrong with me. I admit, as a Christian (and no, not everybody is) that shapes a couple of opinions I have on this: I believe that if I have that uneasy, something’s not right feeling in my gut, that is not a trust issue, that is the Holy Sprit telling me that I need to check this out because there’s a problem and this is not a good situation for me. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, WHERE THERE IS DECEPTION THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP. And yes, I recognize gals can be just as guilty of this as guys.
Anna 29
Yes I have done it. Looking back on it I only felt a need to spy when my intuition told me something is not quite right – my intuition has not failed me yet.
JB 30
That’s fine JuJu that’s your opinion. What makes you think I’d care if you “dumped” me. We just started “casually dating” I’m seeing other people and there’s thousands more all over the internet. (That’s not the way I feel in reality but do you understand the point Evan or anyone could make with that comment ?)
I’d never be stupid enough to tell any women what I do anyway from being on this blog or studying the game,psychology,relationships,etc….and there’s no way to find out. But Cindi did the same thing and gained a whole lot of knowledge and perception. I probably would’nt say “hey by the way you emailed my fake profile yesterday,what’s up with that ?” …LOL Duhh…. I would never do it if I was in an exclusive relationship like Cindi(not that I’m judging) but in the beginning of a possible online dating scenario ………. Hey, if a woman did it to me and let me know I’d say “were not exclusive I’ll email and date anyone I want and you should too”. “Dump me ??” ….LOL Oh well I guess I’ll never meet another woman again…lol Welcome to the internet …….there’s no scarcity here and everyone is replaceable even you and I.
JuJu 31
JB, what I meant was that if I am in a serious committed relationship with a man, I would hardly enjoy such “tests”, nor would I make up any for my SO to pass.
To put it simply, I will not be able to trust (and be happy with) a man who has such overwhelming trust issues.
Cindi 32
Things have been going much better with the man I am dating. we talked things over and I dont feel that terrible nagging feeling anymore. I realize that staying together is a decision, not a necessity, so if anything else goes awry i will jump ship. I have been thinking a lot about cheating, “crossing the line”, etc, and was wondering what others opinions are on the matter. I feel very torn. A part of me wants to believe that some people are just hard-wired to want to fuck around, and another part of me thinks that we all sometimes have those moments of reassessment. These moments may not go as far as seeking out other people online, it might be more along the lines of spending a few extra minutes talking to a cute neighbor, deliveryman, etc. Is it wrong to do that, or is monogamy an abnormal state that we have to strive for?
Rebecca 33
I definitely feel obligated to share this story…I have been dating a great guy for over six months that I met on a dating website. I do trust him, but had asked him a few months ago to delete his match.com profile. He went in and cancelled his paying subscription.
I checked on it again today and saw that his profile said that he was “active within 24 hours”. I confronted him about it and he wanted to prove that he was not on the site, so he called match.com in front of me and asked the “customer service” agent why match.com shows that people are active who have in fact, not been on for months and months. “Customer service” agent explained that even if you still get the match.com emails and immediately delete them, they count that as “activity”. Even if you cancel your subscription but read the emails–or simply delete the emails–it logs you as being active. I heard her say this to him.
It’s unfortunate that match.com is defrauding people into thinking that all of these great people are “active within” short periods of time because they are trashing their solicitation emails. SCAM that I am sure, based on a google search is causing issues for many people.
JB 34
^^^^^^^^^^^^
That’s just one of the MANY reasons I hate Match.com and refuse to use the site even though it has more women than Yahoo. These sites do everything they can to manipulate you and invade your privacy as well doing everything they can to delude people into thinking other people are interested when they are not.
Today without telling anyone Yahoo instituted “Who’s saved you section” so now everyone can see who’s saved who if YOU LET THEM. It’s just one more ridiculous filter (like seeing who “looked” at a profile etc….) to make people think someone MIGHT be interested just because they “saved” you.
Hey Rebecca, that’s one more reason like I said in post #8,when I start dating someone my profile gets DELETED so no one can see what I’m doing ANY day. People that are savy know all these “ins & outs”. I know many women that do.
starthrower68 35
LOL!!! So you can’t be too sure about the person you’re dating that you met on-line (but good for you Rebecca that it went the other way) and you can’t trust the website! Is nothing sacred anymore???
Rebecca 36
I definitely think instincts are underrated….if it looks like a duck, and walks like a duck….well….
And I want to stress that the emails I referred to in my post are emails that go to the email address that is your login name on match, not actually checking the communications from people on the site. Match.com reminds me of a psycho ex-girlfriend who thinks that if you run into her in a bar after you break up and say hi, that you want to get married….that is, if deleting an email counts as “communication” in their eyes….
Rachelle 37
I did not renew my subscription to Match when it ended in September 2008. I tried to delete my profile and had to finally just hide it. As far as I can see you can’t delete your profile. ?? They say they will keep it on file for one year. I assume as long as there is so-called “activity” it keeps restarting the clock?! I noticed there for a few weeks that they kept sending me emails saying that someone had sent me an email. That first time, I bit and logged on and there was nothing. After that I got a few more of those emails and just deleted them when they came to my regular email address. So, if I’m getting this right, when I delete these emails, it’s still counting as “activity”…so Match will always have my profile on file then?
ADP 38
In this day and age of meeting TOTAL strangers online and not having any true background on them, you somtimes have to do some validating. Trust is important in a relationship, if you don’t have it, then you don’t have make of a relationship….however, you sometimes need tools to rule out the players who have mad game.
BB 39
I am going through this right now. I met a wonderful (or at least I think she is) lady on Match.com. We first emailed, then spoke by phone, then texted every day and low and behold, it we really clicked.
Then we talked about the future and our kids, etc. We met and she had misrepresented herself about her weight, etc. and seemed less passionate than on our previous conversations but after the meeting she told me “i want you”, i really feel the connection, etc.
Then we met with the kids and it was really fun and things went swimmingly. I went on match to see if she had been on because I got a strange vibe.
There she was with IM open. It signals to me that she is playing games, is not as enamored with me as she says and is disingenuous.
Once i am seeing someone after two or three dates, i pull my profile down if I like them.
So, she is either using me for the attention or playing a game. My experience on these sites has been not as positive as expected.
So many games and so many shallow people. Anyone with integrity and honesty would not act in this manner. So she always texts me goodnight. Guess what…..active tonight on Match, no text.
it is not spying to check on people, it is smart and the right thing to do to protect yourself from being hurt! Bottom line.
Joe 40
Rationalize it however you want; it’s spying. Maybe you should just come out and ask her about it…
Maya 41
Hmm, just broke up with my on and off bf, because of his match and eharmony profile. I found out by accident he is on these sites. I have asked him about it and he said, he is not using them except the time he had a free trial months back when we weren’t together. He would not do that to anyone, let alone me! Funilly enough, while having this conversation with him he was online and checking back my fake profile ( I don’t use these sites, just created one to see if I am right about my suspitions). That says it all.
Ben There 42
Of course I check the online activity of the women I’m dating. I spend more than $600 a month dating and because of the time and expense, I date one woman at a time. It’s fine if they want to play the field. Just be honest and let me know so I can plan accordingly (if after a couple months I’m still “one of many” I move on). I dated one girl for nearly a year and always wondered why she had a Match account that she checked once a week. She finally explained she only thought of me as a “really good friend” [with benefits]. Basically I was her free entertainment while she looked for Mr. Right. I spent nearly a year and wasted thousands of dollars when I could have been looking for Ms. Right. There were other red flags, but the Match account was an important one.
It’s not true that deleting a Match email is registered as “activity.” Rather, if you OPEN a Match email and then delete it, then it’s considered activity. I’ve checked this – I always delete them without reading them (on Yahoo mail I mark them as “read” and move them to a Match folder).
Someone else alluded to this. There is a way to check for activity on all three major dating websites WITHOUT logging in. On the Cupid or Match type in the web address and add “/search” and it allows you to search without logging in (of Fish you merely click on search without logging in). You cannot send or receive email, but you can search profiles and see if they have registered activity.
Something else I do before we have the “exclusive” discussion is I STOP LOGGING IN as a signal I’m NOT active or looking. My profile is up, but there is no activity. If her profile goes down, so does mine (I mirror her actions).
justme 43
@42
Why don’t you talk to women about being exclusive sooner. If you dated me for a year without having a conversation about being exclusive/in a relationship, i would think you weren’t that interested in me long term.
Sally 44
new to online dating, I put a profile up, np picture. I met 3 people total, the third being the special one. After 3 dates I told him I’m taking my profile down , he didn’t mention his which was fine at that time. A month into our relationship I let him know I couldn’t sleep with him if his “advertisement ” was still up. He is very interested in alternative activity and “studies” it. I found he had an active profile on alt.com. He swears to me he only logs in to see videos and he really believed he had taken his “public” profile down. Wondering if this could be true , could he log in and not know his profile was public. He states he didn’t know and wasn’t getting emails , saying guys dont get emails.
Denise 45
Hi,
I had a first date with this man I really liked, after a two-weeks exchange of emails and texts. I supported him in his current tumultuous life – a trial, recent divorce, kids, a recent post-divorce fling. I finally met him and he was half charming as I had thought from his earlier communications – but I was still in my head, living the fantasy I had created about him. He talked about his wife, how he still loved her, “although not in love with her anymore”, about his other female fling, about his trial. I felt more like a friend, although I wanted something romantic. I started to get intimidated and frustrated, but kept it sweet till the end of the date. I was still somewhat attracted to him. He said he would call, then after the date immediately texted me. I was still in shock that my fantasy did not match the reality and texted back, a bit aloof. Then I regretted, and two days later, when he did not call, I sent him a flirtatious text, saying that, indeed, I had enjoyed the date and would like to see him again. No reply. In the meantime, the fantasy in my head diminished and reality checked in. He had disappeared, whoever he was… But in the meantime, I kept checking his profile to see if he was online, and he was. Today I can no longer do that, he has disappeared from my contacts and I am afraid he has blocked me so that I don’t see his activity online. It’s sad, but I am in a good place now: I can accept that this is over, if it ever was anything other a little bruise on my ego…
Leanne Dombrowesky 46
I met a man, we both had online dating profiles. I removed mine completely when I realized I was very happy being with him exclusively, regardless if he felt the same way. I figured if he was to check, not seeing my profile would be a great way to show him my integrity and feelings toward him without it being a huge discussion issue, It is what it is…if you are happy with who you are seeing, be happy. If you cant resist playing the field, then your not being honest, with yourself, or, with your current relationship. It all boils down to honesty. Do I check to see if he is there? No. Do I wonder ? Occassionally. If I am not good enough or it doesnt work out for us, he is certainly entitled to keep looking online. I would not want to be with someone who may think theres “better” than me out there. If they are not happy with me , then they are welcome to continue on looking for whatever makes them happy.
Wendy 47
The last time I tried the online dating thing I found myself in an exclusive relationship (HE was the one who wanted it) with a man who was ALWAYS “online now.” When I asked him about it he kept giving me lines that smelled like BS. I even told him he was free to date others if he wanted, assuming that I would be free to date other men. He insisted that wasn’t what he wanted, yet there he was, day after day, “online now.” I finally created a fake profile and he took the bait. I actually showed up for the date and nearly gave him a heart attack–so worth it! Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. While Joe (and others) may feel that this type of behavior can erode a good relationship, in my case it saved me a lot of trouble. This guy was hinting at marriage and trying to talk me out of a major career move and a house purchase. I’d have been FURIOUS if I’d blindly skipped along in life believing his crap only to get dumped (which he admitted he was planning to do once he had another girl lined up) and miss out on two of the most important events in my life. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Valerie 48
Just thought I’d throw this out there: I’ve not logged on Match.com in the 6 months since I’ve been seeing someone. I told a friend my online profile name so she could read what I wrote (by doing a user name search & not logging in) since she was having trouble writing her own profile. Match.com said that I was “Active Within 24 Hours” which is complete nonsense. So, I can honestly say don’t trust the site when it says something like that or if it says that someone’s available for IM.
GAR 49
What exactly does Active within 24 hours mean on match.com? I have been in a 7+ month relationship with someone I met on match.com, I get daily emails from match.com even after deactivating my profile 6+ months ago. I delete them all. Out of curiosity I opened one this week, I did not log in, I then searched for myself, again not logged in, and it tells me I have been Active within 24 hours. I never logged in though!
JB 50
@GAR #49 – Well what I’ve found is it isn’t an exact science on Match meaning they change things frequently and believe me I know because I study this daily. Their system over there sucks. It’s inconsistent, aggravating, a massive invasion of privacy. I’m sure it causes many fights and breakups which is great for them because people stay on the site and renew to find someone new.
Right now if you get a wink on Match and you open it through your email address (whether it’s on a computer or iPhone)which the wink is forwarded to even without logging into the website you ARE seen as “online now” on the Match site itself obviously meaning “active within 24 hrs”. So if I don’t want to be seen as “online” I delete it WITHOUT opening it.
As of today 10/26/12 (but not always) if I open and read an actual email someone wrote to me at Match that was forwarded to my email account it DOESN’T show that I’m “online” or “active within 24 hrs. but it has in the past. More so on my computer than my iPhone.
If people are using smartphone apps it’s even more inconsistent meaning I’ve seen an iPhone app show my profile as “active within 24 hrs” when I haven’t logged in in 3 or 4 days.
I use fake profiles to double check all of this so at least I know how my profile is being seen activity wise and of course I can be online whenever I want without having any women know that I am. I watch the woman I’m dating right now when she’s online every day and my profile hasn’t logged in in a week……LOL She’ll never know either.
By the way you shouldn’t be getting “daily emails” at all if you know how to hide your profile and change your settings so I’m not sure what you’re talking about?
GAR 51
“By the way you shouldn’t be getting “daily emails” at all if you know how to hide your profile and change your settings so I’m not sure what you’re talking about?”
How do I correct this?
JC 52
I need to share this with you all as I have questions too. I tend to side with Rebecca #33. I have been seeing this girl for over a year now. We are both still on match but she is no longer paying for it. (I know this for a fact) I had been checking, spying, stalking… whatever you want to call it. So… One morning “we” get up and we’re talking about match… She tells me that she is not checking it anymore, but she does get the emails… I came clean and told her that I see her online all the time.. Asked her why… etc…. She said she was NOT checking it….. So, I showed her exactly what I do.. I logged on…. Showed her my saved search. And guess what…. it said “ONLINE NOW”… She was with me all night, it was first thing in the morning and she had not even picked up her phone yet so there was no way that she was online or had even checked a match email. This is really frustrating… But the truth is that, at least on match.com, you cannot judge a person by their activity. I don;t understand why they would do this… but they do….
JB 53
I believe you JC but if she’s not “available” to date she should have her profile “deleted” or at least”hidden” NOT “searchable” then only the people that have her on their favorites list can see if she has in fact MAYBE logged in within the last 3 weeks and that’s only when it’s hidden not deleted. If it’s deleted no one can see it because she can’t log in. The bigger question might be ……… If you’ve been dating over a year why aren’t BOTH of your profiles deleted(not hidden) then you wouldn’t have any problem.
Rebecca’s post #33 and mine under it are from over 2 yrs ago btw(2009) and Match changes things all the time without notice. The customer service reps aren’t 100% reliable either…lol believe me they’re not rocket scientists over there. Match bought Yahoo Personals 2 yrs ago so I was forced to go even though I hate the way they do a lot of things. All the quality people are on Match and they know it so they do what they want. It’s not a Monopoly because there’s 10,000 other sites that suck but it’s damn close. I wouldn’t PAY for any other site that’s for sure.
NVMichelle 54
I met my ex through POF. We quickly began dating 2-3 times a week, emailing daily and sleeping together. I removed my profile almost immediately but he was online multiple times daily on POF and Match. It messed with my head. Here we are with all this togetherness and he’s still looking. After 2 months and seeing some odd comments on his Facebook from some skanky girl, I asked to be exclusive and we agreed. Two weeks later I was at his place and his computer was wide open to a dating site. I asked about it and first he denied then said he just clicked on an email. He wanted me to give him a chance to show he was a good bf. I agreed and he often referred to that night as a turning point in our relationship…he realized he had a good girl and he needed to change his ways. Things were great and we got engaged two months later. Fast but we felt it was right. The day after the engagement I was on his computer to post pics. I see his Skype app open. I click and see he had been dirty talking with girls after that night that supposedly changed his life and a few weeks before our engagement. I also saw he sent money to that skank I saw on his FB. I was devastated!! He tried to say he was just goofing around but some of the stuff he said to them he was saying to me!! I tried to but it behind us but I just couldn’t shake it. We we were dating exclusively and I considered it cheating. My trust was broken. He kept saying I was focusing on the past. Just because it was before we got engaged did it not count? I snooped on him and saw he was on a sex dating site. He swore it wasnt him that put it up. It was from a sister site he was once on. But I saw in his email he was clicking on emails from this site. If it was spam why is it open in your inbox?? Things were tense and I couldn’t trust. Just two weeks ago I checked his computer And found he was searching match and emailing girls on another site like FB saying they were good enough to eat. We are broken up and I’m sad, hurt and disappointed. He’s already back on Match. I’m still hurt. I feel duped. If I hadn’t “spied” I wouldn’t have known how untrustworthy he is. Sure if you look, you will find but do I want to live with my head in the clouds thinking all is great? His behavior in the beginning was a good predictor of his current behavior. Beware of the red flags!!