Anyways! After battling a LOT of depression, and being totally confused, and really getting to know myself better, I can finally look back on the events that had taken place, with a clear head, and mended heart, and put it into MUCH better context. By the way, my posts above were from June of 2010. It is December 2011 as I write this.
The aftermath and conclusion (summer of 2010 to fall of 2011:
———————————————————————–
So, I was devastated, the ex had started seeing someone else, and was constantly guilt tripping me for trying to get over her (when she had dumped me 3 times). So just to clarify, I only tried moving on initially because she had kept dumping me in such a short frame of time. So I was not in the wrong, even if the timing on my part was not the greatest.

I later realized that if she had really wanted to be with me, she would have done everything possible to forgive me and work it out. She constantly made excuses, placed the entire blame on my shoulders, and not only decimated my heart at the time, but pretty much twisted my emotions up to such a degree, that I had ended up going down a path whereby I battled the most intense form of depression I would ever face.
In other words, after reflecting on the entire relationship, I realized that she never really loved me to begin with. There were MANY signs that I chose to ignore (out of love of course), and because she didn’t want to take emotional responsibility for this, she manipulated me big time!

So, I started engaging in irresponsible behavior because at that point, I had just emotionally gone over the edge. I started sleeping with a woman I barely knew because I was so desperate to revive my self esteem and move on. This didn’t last very long, and it kind of made me feel worse (dirty) inside.

My final year of college started right after that, and I started experimenting with drugs (weed). It wasn’t the end of the world, but it definitely had a significant effect on me overall, as a person. A few months later, I slept with another girl a couple of times, and that didn’t go anywhere. Didn’t end well either and I also got super paranoid, thinking I may have gotten her pregnant, or caught a disease even. Thankfully nothing of that nature occurred, and I moved on. So… A few months goes by, I was taking a break from women since I was on the verge of emotional meltdown, etc.

Surprise: The drug use, although very moderate and sort of harmless, started to take a negative turn. I started developing intense anxiety, and what is classified as depersonalization in the world of psychology. This feeling of being “not attached”, or however you want to describe this, was probably the creepiest time in my entire existence. Everything felt like it was coming to an end, and I felt dead inside, and just overall, depressed, like I was done.

So, in early April (2011 by this point), I was high, and my mother had come into my room to speak with me about something (nothing serious, just a random topic or errand, etc.), and I felt like I almost didn’t know her anymore. That was of course, the paranoia/depersonalization from the drug use. I became very heart broken inside that this change in me had occurred, and I started to feel like I deserved to die. You can probably imagine, I was very sad and felt a lot of despair by that point. So I said “forget this garbage”, and quit smoking marijuana the same night.

By mid may, I had secured employment for a job, and had just graduated from my program. Things were looking up!
Without going into excessive detail, I experienced what is best described as, a physical withdrawal (from quitting the weed). I experienced the most powerful moodswings and adrenaline rushes I had ever felt. My strength was quadrupled, and my depression was at an all time high. I was so angry at everything. My parents were pretty concerned.

Then this is where I started to get scared. My depersonalization was still somewhat in the picture, and I was not 100% back to myself. Bad news though, I started experience cryingspells and very low moods. I always felt like I wanted to cry. This was uncontrollable, and I didn’t have any idea what was going on. I thought maybe I had caused some sort of a chemical imbalance from the previous drug use. Even if it was only moderate.

The end of the summer was approaching, and I was starting to feel lonely. I started online dating again, went on some dates, and was disappointed (as usual). Then a very interesting girl decided to contact me. I thought “what the heck” and went for it. Initially, the first date went very very bad, on both ends and we were both totally put off. We followed up, surprisingly enough, right after, and hit it off and ended up in a relationship!

Though I was still very damaged from the previous year’s breakup, it was not easy opening up. I was still very depressed, and explained to my new gf that I had gone through a lot, and she explained that she had as well. I tried smoking marijuana once more (3 sessions over a 2 week period), to see if that would alleviate the pain.
The first time, felt nice and familiar, and it really helped me open up to the new girlfriend. It helped me say all the mushy things I bottled up inside about how I was afraid to scare her, and all the other fears a lot of guys are afraid to open up about. She was very flattered, and to my relief, she told me she felt the same about me. I felt very happy. Though I still felt uneasy from the weed, but I had a feeling that’d happen anyways.
2nd time, same thing, opened up more. That bond grew even more!
On the third time, I had the most intense/scariest panic attack of my entire life. I smoked right before bed this time, and figured it would make for a fantastic sleep. I was wrong and thought I was going to die. The next day, I saw my new gf, and completely broke down because of it. She comforted me and I felt very close to her. She showed she would be there for me. I stopped smoking weed.

I dealt with some more depression after that, the life changing kind, but got through it eventually. My girlfriend stuck it out with me and me and her have never been happier! She is a MUCH better girlfriend than my ex could have ever been. and I want to tell all of you who are hurting right now, do not worry, a BETTER lover will come along. Give yourselves time, this is not an easy thing to experience or get through. A very painful breakup can be seriously disorienting. Oh, and the paranoia and depersonalization symptoms, are pretty much gone. I feel back to my old self, just much more wiser, and happier, and more stable.

Thank God I finished college and found an amazing girl who truly cares about me. All of you out there will find the one. Oh, and praying to God here and there never hurts either. I am very doubtful on that stuff these days, but I have no doubt that it helped me throughout my journey.

Anyways, I hope this post gives people out there some hope!

I feel soooooo guilty.

My Girlfriend broke up with me.  I hurt.  I mean I really hurt bad.  For 2.5 weeks.  Could hardly work, difficulty foucusing, tears.  The whole bit.

We lived and worked together for about 1.5 years.  I was in love.  We bought each other rings two weeks before the breakup.  As a symbol, a reflection of our commitment to each other.  It’s so sad , I think i might cry right now…

Anyways, I finally made it out of my house one night and ended up meeting this girl and we went to a party.  She drove me home and came inside.  We fooled around but didn’t have sex. (i declined, she thought we should)  I was very very clear with her about how hurt I was and my feelings I still harboured for my X.  It was actually the topic of conversation for the majority of the evening.  I was also very clear that I just wanted to have fun and try to ease the pain for awhile and was enjoying her company. 

Now, my X has started texting, saying she misses me ect…ect…

and i feel that I have somehow betrayed her.   She is the type of girl who will simply NOT understand.  Her response will be how could you kiss another girl when you still have feelings for me???  

She will find out as well.  it’s not a simple solution of not telling her.  I live on a very small Island and everyone knows each other and she has friends here.  And even if she doesn’t, If we get back together I will have to tell her.  It’s just the way I am. 

How would he have felt if the situation was reversed, and she was with some dude two weeks after him? would he be as forgiving? I doubt it.  I’m sure he’d feel the sting.

That would make me feel as if I meant nothing to him.  She probably felt that towards the end of the relationship, possibly why she dumped him to begin with.

I broke up with my ex, we were together for 7 years.  One month later, he’s already with someone else.  Am I suprised? no.  It’s why I dumped him.  Wasn’t treating me how I deserved to be treated.  He tried calling me a few times, but I wouldn’t answer.  I still won’t answer.  And it’s because I know what’s going on (he doesn’t know I know..). 

If they don’t show much care during the relationship, chances are… they won’t show much after.  And shacking up to soon… will only confirm she made the right decision.  Think before you act.  If you truly believe it’s over, and want to be w/ someone else.. fine.  But if in your heart, you know you’re not over someone yet.. why not take some time to heal instead of rebounding to someone who means nothing, rather than hurting someone who means something to you?

And to the guy who re-activated his dating site account only a day after she broke up with you… no wonder she dumped you.  Doesn’t sound like you were all that invested in her, or the relationship anyway.  She obviously meant nothing to you… and you must’ve felt so desperate and hurt that you couldn’t wait to get the attention of someone else…

Men, you need to seriously step up, be men, and grow up.  If you love her… let her know it by your ‘actions’, even if you think there’s no hope, to give it at least a month to show her she made a mistake… be patient, be forgiving.. if they are worth it to you, what’s a month? really? you people can’t hold out for a month?  And, sleeping w/ someone else so soon after a break-up, is not one of those actions… if you want to show some action… how about showing some self-control.. and that she does mean something to you.. there are plenty of easy women available, at any time, so why rush to shag some stranger.. and lose someone you love? Just sayin’