Comments on: He Acts Like a Boyfriend But He Doesn’t Like the Title

By: Katarina Phang

Katarina Phang — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 21:57:22 +0000

Here’s an update after I wrote my well-received book. Yes I have had many women come to me with the same problems and I will tell them all the same: focus on being an attractive and secure woman a man naturally seeks for commitment, practice being a woman and all feminine skills that will hook any man up and do not pull all your eggs in one basket.

I did ALL that myself dating my EUM (emotionally unavailable man AKA a man who is not ready for relationship or to label your relationship a relationship or you his girlfriend). In December he pulled away for 9 days after 10 months seeing each other regularly 3-5 days/week (Holidays, personal issues and stuff, I guess it was just too much for him). I met a guy on Thanksgiving who showed interest in me. And I ended up hanging out with him a lot especially during the time he was pulling away.

When he was back after the New Year, this new guy was very much hooked on me and was courting me. And weeks later it was obvious he didn’t want me to see other guys and claimed me.

The rest is history. I had to choose. If I could I would have seen them both because I wasn’t really over my EUM (we had a great time and great memories together). My new guy didn’t want any of that so finally after a couple of months of inner conflict I decided to let the old one go since the new guy showed up in such a way that I just couldn’t say NO.

Don’t worry about labels, and do not initiate the conversation. Guys who are ready and into you WILL ask you. If he hasn’t, do not stop dating others and yet absorb all the positive energy to raise your vibration. When you are ready (meaning you are really the type of woman a man can’t resist thanks to your inner beauty mostly), the right guy will step up and claim you provided that you put yourself out there.

Be in the moment, enjoy every day like it is your last. Love happens when you least expect it. I never thought I would be in relationship with a great super doting man who would want to give me EVERYTHING I wanted in a man in such a short notice , and when I was still seeing a man who didn’t want to label me/our relationship.

My ex EUM still calls me every day. He’s hooked on our friendship. A woman who knows the trick with guys don’t chase. She is “chased.”

By: ImThere

ImThere — Thu, 07 Mar 2013 15:56:44 +0000

I’m in a similar situation, and I read everyone’s comments and thoughts. IMHO it is wrong to just label the situation and set expectations that may not be realistic. “If he’s not willing to call you GF at 2 months he wont be”. Thats silly.
My guy has a dating history he doesn’t like to talk about. We’ve known each other for years, in fact he was the guy that other girls warned girls to stay away from. Fast forward a few years and friendship turned into more. I have my own history, divorced, bad relationships, less than proud moments.
But being labelled as “BF or GF” doesn’t work for him. He hadn’t dated in almost 2 years when things went our way… and because I dont care about the past, I dont pry.
He’s good to me. Better than anyone ever has been. Ever. He is caring, and kind. Physically we’re perfectly matched. We have fun together, have similar interests, and spend a few nights a week together. We’re both successful and busy with our own lives, but have comfortably found a good balance. our friends know we’re together, we’ve met each others parents – but we do not drag each other to visit family constantly. we’ve been “together” almost 7 months. And yet, he does not want to be called boyfriend. At first, I felt a little sick… but when I sat back and looked at the whole picture – who cares. he is with me, and only me, and he’s not looking to date anyone else, nor is he dating anyone else. So who cares? We’ve both in our mid-late 30s – we’re not teenagers.. who cares really. When I introduce him, I introduce him by name – not by label. We are appropriately affectionate in public, so I never feel like he’s hiding me.
So thats my story. Im sorry things went how they did for Kris. I’m not her, I have no idea what it is like to be her. I have no idea her or his history, or how she felt when she looked at him.
But I know how I feel. And I feel happy. And what I have going on right now with my guy either will or will not work out and become something more in the future whether I call him my boyfriend or not. Its just a label people.. actions always speak louder than words.

By: Susan61

Susan61 — Sat, 19 Jan 2013 19:35:30 +0000

Wow. I’m not sure how I revisited this thread but I was googling stuff about my own current dating situation (which is not going all that well….)

Sorry this happened to you, Kris, but it does appear to be for the best although I’m sure it hurts like hell. You definitely did the right thing and it is best to have full No Contact in these situations.

Best of luck. You may even hear from him in the future….and will have to figure out how to deal with that. They often do “come back” in one form or another…

By: Amelia2.0

Amelia2.0 — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 15:55:20 +0000

Wow. That is unbelievable! You really deserve a lot, lot better than that utter bullshit, Kris, I’m glad you could find the strength to end things with this gentlemen and not allow him to set the terms of your relationship any longer. If “he’s just this way for now”, then he needs to be that way on his own time until he realizes that excuse does not cut it in a mature relationship. I know how much it sucks and that the only cure for heartbreak is a healthy dose of time. However, I would take immense pride in standing up for yourself and in voting with your feet. There is no excuse for him not getting over himself and showing that he appreciates you and respects you in the way that you need after all this song and dance.

I recommend cutting all contact/deleting phone numbers if you haven’t already. Call up a trusted relative or a friend and talk about it if you find yourself overwhelmed by feelings. I wish you all the best.

By: marymary

marymary — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 07:15:13 +0000

Kris
good call, better things await in 2013.

By: Ruby

Ruby — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 06:15:29 +0000

Kris #79

Thanks for the update, sorry it didn’t work out. Your ex doesn’t sound like a bad person, and I think he really does care about you, but he’s not ready to take on the responsibilities of a more committed relationship, and probably won’t be for some time. I said it before and I’ll say it again, your “unconditional love and trust” should be only be reserved for someone who can reciprocate that. Otherwise, you are giving too much too soon, and the relationship becomes too one-sided. I can’t remember when you originally wrote, but I think it was a few months ago, so you’ve invested a fair amount of time at this point. Sounds like you made the right decision, though, and if he changes his mind, he knows where to find you.

By: Kris

Kris — Tue, 15 Jan 2013 02:58:54 +0000

Well, if anyone is still reading this post, basically I just walked away on New Years. He practically was living with me at that point, came home for the holidays with me, and on New Years when asked if I was his gf, by women who always sees us together, he said no. He claims it’s the financial thing still, that he loves me, that he’s just this way for now, and ppl who care for one another compromise, I asked then why can’t he say a couple of words if it is just to make me feel validated. I’m heartbroken, but I have to move on.

By: Heather1982

Heather1982 — Mon, 03 Dec 2012 08:20:43 +0000

I am so happy I stumbled upon this blog! I was dating a guy for 3 months (just ended) who I saw almost every day, professed his strong feelings for me, communicating constantly throughout the day, met all his friends, said he has no interest in dating other people….and yet when I asked the big question he said he wasn’t ready and there was no difference. My first piece of advice: don’t bring it up first, ruins it. If the guy wants you to be his gf he will ask you. And if you must be prepared to walk away if you don’t like his response. Because it was all downhill from there. I questioned if I was being stupid for thinking: well if we are exclusive, what’s the difference? And shouldnt you be proud to call me your gf?! I ended up bringing it up again and we got into a heated fight where he said I was pressuring him took much and needed space. He asked to speak after the holidays….but not without saying how much he already misses me. Good riddance! I should have never stopped dating others without the title.

By: marymary

marymary — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 14:53:27 +0000

“And if, after this conversation, he can’t give you this nominal gift of safety, I would highly consider moving on to a man who has the ability to step up and make you feel safe”.
I agree. It’s been six months and he can’t even call you his GIRLFRIEND?! It’s not exactly a marriage proposal.
He has shot a straight and clear warning right across your path. “Do not depend on me however nice I am.” Ignore at your peril. it’s been six months and he’s been treating you well so it is worth having the conversation. But do listen to what he says and even more to what he doesn’t say.
and, unfortunately, I believe some men AND women will do all the right things for six months or a year, or longer and you can still be wondering “am I his girlfriend?” “will he marry me?” “where is this going?” “will this ever be a real marriage?” You’ll be wondering if you’re too needy. You’ll be telling yourself he’s a good guy/good woman. You’ll be telling yourself if you act a certain way he/she will come up with the goods. They aren’t doing anything WRONG but it’s not entirely right either. Your friends, family and dating sites will be giving you conflicting advice. And it’s been so many months/years already.
it’s not called a headf*ck for nothing.

By: Katarina Phang

Katarina Phang — Thu, 29 Nov 2012 04:21:39 +0000

And interestingly, mind you, I title the book "He's Really That Into You, He's Just Not Ready" for this very reason. Do not listen to simplistic approach to love/relationship. I'll go for substance than label without substance each and every time.