Regarding me — we had a long talk this weekend and I’ve voiced many of my concerns and our relationship is going to be a lot slower and more fun and light. It’s nice to know this, but I don’t want it to overshadow something really great.

Thanks everyone –

we’re always told that in any relationship you have to overlook some of your partner’s flaws. it just takes time to decide for yourself which ones you’re willing to overlook. they never talk about how difficult it can be to discover your own parameters.

but that’s what all our failed relationships are for, I guess.

Almost everyone has weaknesses. We just have to learn from them and to overcome them.

I thought it might be interesting to read some of the reasons why and as with your case – most of these men put career over romance. I hope this renews your faith in online dating and helps you know that there are some good guys out there – some older (which is a preference for you) that are true and honest.

WITH THAT SAID PLEASE BE CAREFUL – My sister was murdered by her overly obsessive husband and I am glad that you had the courage to speak up. You are a shining example to other women.

@Steffi – who knows – maybe you are the “cat’s meow”! – I am sure that things will work out for you as well.

As a man – this has been a very eye-opening “forum” for me – and a healing of sorts.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-06-01-late-life-marriage_N.htm?POE=click-refer

Post #51. I wouldn’t say you are weak. You had a rational explanation. You didn’t feel “done” with the guy and wanted to hear what he had to say in response to your issues. Thanks for satisfying my curiosity. As far as criticism goes I wouldn’t take it personally. Everybody gets it all over the internet.

As I digress, I make the point that we all have different needs. Let me tell you one more story about me and the ex. I have referred to him on many posts not out of anger but because I have learned so much from that relationship about myself and my understanding of love. I was 25 and my best friend of six years began pursuing me for a relationship for almost six months. He was absolutely sure I was “the one” as he told me so many times. I loved him and I wanted to date him and we did for six short months. In fact, the first day we made the step from best friends to dating, he told everyone we were boyfriend and girlfriend and he must have told me he loved me about ten times that night. It totally creeped me out and I was angry that he assumed I was automatically his girlfriend even if we knew each other for six years. It also bothered me that he proclaimed his love for not because I didnt beleive he didnt love me as we were friends for so long, but he was not able to nor did not care that I was not in that place and his need to say it was much greater than his recagnize that I wanted to take things one day at a time and just enjoy our new found relationship. In fact I felt daily that he just wanted a girlfriend (“insert girl here”) as most of the relationship came to be about fulfilling his needs.

At 25 I didnt know how to use my voice and speak up for myself and my emotions. How could he know he loved me right away? Granted, I loved him but I was not “in love” with him as we were just becoming intimate. Of course I believed he loved me as he made me feel like a princess and told me over and over I was the best thing that ever happened to him, well for the first three months. After that it was like crash and burn as Evan said regarding the analogy to the cocaine high. My ex lusted after me and loved me so much for months that three months into dating, as I was falling more in love with him, he was pushing me away and making excuses about not seeing me and “needing his own time.” I was so hurt and angry and wanted to scream “You could not wait to date me, and now you dont want to be around me”!?” The rejection was awful and I ended it after six months. The same guy who swore I was his soul mate grew out of love with me after three months? You can sense I still have anger about it and although I have worked through most of it, it never really goes away as I loved him and I wanted things to work. I have always been honest about that and nothing hurts more than loving someone who cannot or will not love you back.

Soooooooo my story has more to it as I totally 100% think and acutally always believed, even though I did not want to admit it, that he was gay. (This is where my anger comes in because I should have known better as they say, but I have forgiven myself.) This conclusion was not to make me feel better after he pulled away from me, but all the sign were there and I realized, like McGreavy;’s wife, I was there to be a stand in wife to a guy who could not admit the truth about himself. Now, you are thinking that has nothing to do with Steffi’s story but it sort of does in a way. As a woman, you have instinicts and when you ignore them you get yourself in a relationship that you are not so crazy about. That does not mean you do not want to date this guy, but if you feel him saying “I love you” is a possible red flag, than this guy is not for you. That does not also mean you have to write him off this second, but think about what your gut is telling you. The most painful and shortest relationship of my dating years turned out to be the biggest life lesson for me. Never settle on love. It will find you.

My happy ending came after many years of dating and being single after the ex who was in his world, supposed to be my husband and happily ever after. I accpeted that if I feel something does not feel right, than I move on. As hard and shitty as it is to be single and dating. I actually met my fiance on JDate two years ago and we are getting married in Nov. I have to say that when we dated, not one thing was creepy, weird or awkward. Everyhing just sort of happened naturally. He said I love you when I least expected it and when I was ready to hear it but he didnt know that. We moved in together when it was right and he proposed with out me having to ask, beg or give altimatums. I guess in my very long winded and poorly spelled post, when we have to ask all of these questions, we know what the answer is. I dont think love is simple or easy by any means and my man is not perfect nor am I, but overall the natural course of our relationship has been the core of my love for him.
Only you know what you want, when you want to hear it. If the bells are going off, it is probably for good reason and it is time to think about what you know rather than you what you think!

Good luck….love it out there!

Jen

I thought it might also be easier if we talked (for him/for me) instead of sending a note. I wanted an instant response, I wanted explanations as to what was so hard/impossible about respecting my boundaries – etc. The other thing too.. is that I just felt unheard and when I looked back at our interactions – he would hear what I was saying and it would not “stick”.

I am a what people like to refer to as “level headed” and I have made great judgements over the years.. but there was something about this guy that just captivated me as well?

Crazy uh?

(I have a feeling this post will open to more criticism and insults like I got from Hat P.)

Out of curiosity, why didn’t you just send a note explaining that he was stepping across healthy boundaries for you, him, and his love life before simply cutting him off? Why did you have those multiple awful conversations with him after you decided you wanted to end things?

I’m not saying it is wrong. I am curious? What was the point if you wanted to cut yourself loose and if you left the guy a clue to help himself with?