Comments on: How Can I Learn To Trust A Man And Give Him Freedom?

By: Sam

Sam — Mon, 19 Nov 2012 20:56:12 +0000

Evan,

I have a similar history to your wife’s where I have been cheated on several times. “I am not going to let it define me, and I am not going to punish my current boyfriend for what a past boyfriend(s) did to me.” This is the motto I (TRY TO) live by. I realize that it’s not fair to punish someone for someone else’s actions. However, I am finding that I struggle at times in doing this.

What suggestions do you have on how to actively work on this while you’re IN a relationship? I am with a great guy who is great BECAUSE he calls me out on things when I am out of line (might sound crazy but I LOVE this). He treats me great but I definitely have insecurities that stem from my past. I have my moments where I let these insecurities creep in.

When I found your blog it COMPLETELY changed the way i looked at my relationship in an AMAZING way. It felt like I “got” it for the first time.

My question is: Can I repair any damage it might have caused (before reading your blog? unfortunately I saw it a little too late.. if the answer is yes..how so? Is there anything else I can do besides actively working on controlling/suppressing these tendencies?

Thanks for writing! Reading your blogs REALLY help me check myself into place too!

By: Amber

Amber — Fri, 12 Oct 2012 14:49:34 +0000

@Evan – I really love this article and it’s very helpful and empowering to me. Thank you! I’m wondering what you suggest (and others are welcome to comment on this as well) if I trust my guy, but not this new girl he is friends with. He met her through work and he really respects her and they have a lot in common, and so now they are friends. He has not done anything inappropriate, and he has gone out of his way to introduce me to her and wants me to be friends with her too (good sign), but for some reason I have a terrible gut feeling about her (that she wants my man and that she is trouble). She is single and attractive, which is extremely troubling to me. I have told him my feelings on this. He reminds me that she’s been nothing but nice to me (which is not even totally true, she does subtle things like if the three of us are talking she will only make eye contact with my boyfriend and not with me at all), and he doesn’t understand why I feel this way. Is it women’s intuition (and if that is the case what can I do besides share my concerns with him)?

By: Wendy

Wendy — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 13:30:24 +0000

@Heather #113: I think I’m a lot like you, so your post hit home. I’ve been cheated on (as we probably all have at some point), and I don’t always have the healthiest self-esteem (although I’m much better than I used to be) so I sometimes find myself knee-jerking when my gut gets that little feeling. But I’ve learned to wait until actual EVIDENCE shows up. Most of the time (now, in my more recent realtionships) it doesn’t. I’ve come to realize that if a guy is doing something behind my back, he gets lazier as he comes to care more about “her” than about me, and the evidence becomes easy to find (no snooping required). I hate that I have to wait, but I think it’s better than risking a good relationship if there’s nothing going on.

@KarlR #87: I LOVE your point about a person who cheats ruining that relationship. We’ve heard it before: “Don’t let a bad past relationship (or person) ruin a new one,” but somehow the way you put it makes much more sense. Bob ruined my relationship with Bob, and Jim ruined my relationship with Jim. Plain and simple. Thanks.

By: Heather

Heather — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 15:21:31 +0000

@ Evan,

You just hit home with me on something when you were responding to George, in regards to “making sure you have your facts straight.” That’s exactly it. I try to do that in relationships, and probably did TOO much of it in my last one, where my ex was constantly hanging out with HIS ex. A few of my friends asked me straight up if I thought he was cheating. I really didn’t have concrete proof, so I never accused him of it. Did I have some funny gut feelings that there was more going on than I was being told? Oh surely. But since I could not clearly back it up, I held my peace and watched for other signs of problems, and boy oh boy did those signs pop up.

I do admit that I have a bit of a suspicious personality, which I am working hard on, and it is getting better. And because I know I am a bit suspicious due to men in my past pulling some pretty big stunts, I have to remind myself, “Heather, you already know you’re sensitive in that area. Put on the brakes, look at the FACTS. If the facts truly do add up to: he’s cheating or lying, OK fine, as long as you have those facts straight, move forward with dumping his ass and go on. But if you’re just having a gut feeling, try to hold off on just blasting him with both barrels, until you are SURE something is wrong.”

I’ve learned that truth will always prevail, and if a guy is pulling something, I will find out about it sooner or later, I don’t need to be a snoop.

By: Cat

Cat — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 13:33:25 +0000

@ Evan #91….you were so exactly right on the money with your comments there. When reading it I felt like I was reading about myself. Yep, if you don’t have inner confidence & you’re not sure you picked a partner of integrity then everything they do seems like a potential threat. After years of trying to rebuild trust, I think we have come a long way, but it’s not been easy or fun at times. I think now I have finally built back some inner confidence in myself as well as with him. I do trust him on certain levels but I think there are different “layers” of trust? Any thoughts? Do you think there are “layers” of trust or is it you do or you don’t?

By: David T

David T — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 00:11:59 +0000

@George

You are over generalizing/over extending one story and example to apply to absolutely everything. That seems to be a common problem on this blog; the over extension of a point into hyperbole land concluding that if the over extension doesn’t make sense NONE of it does.

It is like a metaphorical black hole. Once you start to extend something past where it makes sense (like what happens to Newtons laws of motion once you cross the event horizon of a real black hole), you ultimately end up at a logical singularity where you can draw pretty much ANY conclusion and the legitimate point Evan is trying to make no longer makes any sense at all.

Stay outta that region. You will only hurt yourself. OK, that made about as much sense to folks with a non astronomy background as some of the posts of another frequent poster, but to get some inkling read paragraphs 2 and 4 of the link on my name.)

Very much like a black hole, these over generalized conversations quickly lose any ability to communicate useful information. (If you want to continue to use my metaphor, read the last section of that link.)

Hmm…I seem to have overextended my metaphor to a point where it no longer makes sense and has become useless. Now where have I seen that before?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_hole#Singularity

By: Selena

Selena — Sat, 04 Aug 2012 22:27:04 +0000

Bored with George.

By: Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz — Sat, 04 Aug 2012 16:32:43 +0000

George, I let your last comment through because it was a perfect ending. You insulted me, you misspelled “lose”, you said you made your point and that I understand it, and you intimated that I was afraid to go forward because of the strength of your argument. I’ll let readers decide for themselves if your arguments make any sense. Goodbye and good luck.

By: George

George — Sat, 04 Aug 2012 09:26:41 +0000

Actually, I think you’re being extremely small (bet you’ve heard that before), deleting other people’s postings when you loose the argument. I think I made my point, and I think you understand perfectly clear what that point is, hence your unwillingness to go further on this.

By: David T

David T — Sat, 04 Aug 2012 03:39:54 +0000

@Selena 95 make [your relationship] the place you both want to be and paying attention to what is going on with your partner emotionally, just may avoid the slippery slope. If something feels off, TALK about it. Rockin' . I completely, completely agree. Talk before you jump to conclusions if you can, and if you can't turn off that machinery (which is a challenge) at least talk before you make a decision to change something.