Comments on: How Can I Make My Boyfriend Less Jealous? http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/ Thu, 09 Feb 2012 05:00:21 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: Karl R http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46587 Karl R Fri, 23 Oct 2009 20:17:35 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46587 <strong>Serenity said:</strong> (original post) <em>"Whenever I start to get angry with him, he starts saying he'll just make it even and go sleep with some other girl." </em> What makes you think he hasn't done that already? In his mind, he's justified in doing so. <strong>Evan said:</strong> (original post) <em>"People project things onto others that they hate about themselves." </em> I would say that people assume that they are the norm. If I'm law-abiding, then I'll assume that normal people are law-abiding. If I have secret sordid vices that I keep hidden from everyone, then I'll assume that lots of other people do to. The university I attended had an honor code about cheating. At one point the school newspaper took a survey asking students whether they ever cheated, and what percentage of the students they thought had cheated. About 5% of the students had cheated. The cheaters believed about 25% of the students had cheated. The other students (non-cheaters) believed about 1% of the students had cheated. So I disagree about us projecting what we hate about ourselves onto other people. I think we project <em>who we are</em> onto other people. Serenity said: (original post)
“Whenever I start to get angry with him, he starts saying he’ll just make it even and go sleep with some other girl.”

What makes you think he hasn’t done that already? In his mind, he’s justified in doing so.

Evan said: (original post)
“People project things onto others that they hate about themselves.”

I would say that people assume that they are the norm. If I’m law-abiding, then I’ll assume that normal people are law-abiding. If I have secret sordid vices that I keep hidden from everyone, then I’ll assume that lots of other people do to.

The university I attended had an honor code about cheating. At one point the school newspaper took a survey asking students whether they ever cheated, and what percentage of the students they thought had cheated. About 5% of the students had cheated. The cheaters believed about 25% of the students had cheated. The other students (non-cheaters) believed about 1% of the students had cheated.

So I disagree about us projecting what we hate about ourselves onto other people. I think we project who we are onto other people.

]]> By: Ovarianwarfare http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46569 Ovarianwarfare Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:48:54 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46569 Yes, she should dump the guy - Trust is the number one issue in a relationship, and if it's not there, then you will only fail. Being jealous is cute to a point, but when his jealousy affects your decisions or actions, then it's time to leave. When you decide not to go out with your friends because you don't want to put up with the fight, then you should move on. As for strip clubs, how is having another woman's boobs in you mouth, or hands on your body, or simulating sex through heavy humping considered only "entertainment" by men. Lap dances are second base at least and cheating. Maybe the strip clubs in Texas are different than the ones in Zann's area??? Yes, she should dump the guy – Trust is the number one issue in a relationship, and if it’s not there, then you will only fail. Being jealous is cute to a point, but when his jealousy affects your decisions or actions, then it’s time to leave. When you decide not to go out with your friends because you don’t want to put up with the fight, then you should move on.

As for strip clubs, how is having another woman’s boobs in you mouth, or hands on your body, or simulating sex through heavy humping considered only “entertainment” by men. Lap dances are second base at least and cheating. Maybe the strip clubs in Texas are different than the ones in Zann’s area???

]]> By: Marc http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46558 Marc Fri, 23 Oct 2009 17:10:25 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46558 At best, he's an insecure man who has no respect for you. At worst, he's a paranoid schizophrenic. Either way, you need to dump him. At best, he’s an insecure man who has no respect for you. At worst, he’s a paranoid schizophrenic. Either way, you need to dump him.

]]> By: dd http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46550 dd Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:18:23 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46550 Serenity, If I sound harsh here, it's in hopes that it will turn your head. RUN, don't walk - and don't let this guy know which direction you're going. Evan is right to think that he might stalk you. It would appear that he has severe emotional problems, and is messing with your heart - and head. It will change you in time, and not for the better. It may be a valuable lesson to have learned how someone like him behaves so you can avoid it in the future, but otherwise - and take it from another someone who knows - you are wasting your own valuable time being made to feel bad for no reason and you can never get that back. Do you have protected sex? Because I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that he's already sleeping around. Think about that. You know something is seriously wrong with the situation to have posed the question, so get going and give your love to someone who can return it. Good luck and God bless. Serenity,
If I sound harsh here, it’s in hopes that it will turn your head.
RUN, don’t walk – and don’t let this guy know which direction you’re going. Evan is right to think that he might stalk you. It would appear that he has severe emotional problems, and is messing with your heart – and head. It will change you in time, and not for the better. It may be a valuable lesson to have learned how someone like him behaves so you can avoid it in the future, but otherwise – and take it from another someone who knows – you are wasting your own valuable time being made to feel bad for no reason and you can never get that back. Do you have protected sex? Because I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that he’s already sleeping around. Think about that. You know something is seriously wrong with the situation to have posed the question, so get going and give your love to someone who can return it. Good luck and God bless.

]]> By: Michael http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46533 Michael Fri, 23 Oct 2009 08:06:54 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46533 Nailed right on the head by Marc. Again. This is not about doing anything different to please the jealous one: it's about him needing to "fix" himself - if it can be done. When I was 22, I had the jealousy bone removed from my head. It happened with two realizations: first, jealousy drove my girlfriends away (thus being a self-fulfilling emotion), and second, jealousy wasn't simply a lack of trust, it was a lack of value and self-confidence. Since I had that epiphany, I've never been jealous (and I've had some flirty girlfriends), and I've never been cheated on. I would be sad if I found my girlfriend cheating, but I would also understand it's her burden, not mine. Nailed right on the head by Marc. Again. This is not about doing anything different to please the jealous one: it’s about him needing to “fix” himself – if it can be done.
When I was 22, I had the jealousy bone removed from my head. It happened with two realizations: first, jealousy drove my girlfriends away (thus being a self-fulfilling emotion), and second, jealousy wasn’t simply a lack of trust, it was a lack of value and self-confidence.
Since I had that epiphany, I’ve never been jealous (and I’ve had some flirty girlfriends), and I’ve never been cheated on. I would be sad if I found my girlfriend cheating, but I would also understand it’s her burden, not mine.

]]> By: Zann http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46531 Zann Fri, 23 Oct 2009 06:09:14 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46531 While it's possible your her boyfriend has been betrayed in the past and therefore has "trust issues," what you're describing sounds way beyond a guy who's just become a little gun shy. I'm not a shrink, but what you're describing sounds incredibly controlling, maybe even abusive, and a tad pathological. Who needs that in their lives? And like Teri (#4 above) said, this man's distrust and jealousy will only increase as time goes on. Please don't mistake his jealousy for proof of his love or his "passion," or rationalize his crazy rantings with excuses like : "Oh, he's just possessive (or paranoid, or enraged with jealousy) because he loves me so much." That's not love, that's his own self-loathing and insecurities which, like Evan says, he wants to project onto you. And no amount of convincing, understanding, or assurances on your part are going to make any difference or prompt him to change. So, save yourself the grief and let him go get himself healed. And regarding strip clubs -- why would any woman feel jealous or threatened if her man goes to some silly strip club with his buds once in a while? Even if I do think strip clubs are demeaning to women, I also know that they are, above all else, entertainment. It's not like guys go there hoping to meet the woman of their dreams, nor is a stripper hoping for Mr. Right to walk in the door & wisk her away from all that. She's there to make money; she's not after your husband. While it’s possible your her boyfriend has been betrayed in the past and therefore has “trust issues,” what you’re describing sounds way beyond a guy who’s just become a little gun shy. I’m not a shrink, but what you’re describing sounds incredibly controlling, maybe even abusive, and a tad pathological. Who needs that in their lives? And like Teri (#4 above) said, this man’s distrust and jealousy will only increase as time goes on. Please don’t mistake his jealousy for proof of his love or his “passion,” or rationalize his crazy rantings with excuses like : “Oh, he’s just possessive (or paranoid, or enraged with jealousy) because he loves me so much.” That’s not love, that’s his own self-loathing and insecurities which, like Evan says, he wants to project onto you. And no amount of convincing, understanding, or assurances on your part are going to make any difference or prompt him to change. So, save yourself the grief and let him go get himself healed.

And regarding strip clubs — why would any woman feel jealous or threatened if her man goes to some silly strip club with his buds once in a while? Even if I do think strip clubs are demeaning to women, I also know that they are, above all else, entertainment. It’s not like guys go there hoping to meet the woman of their dreams, nor is a stripper hoping for Mr. Right to walk in the door & wisk her away from all that. She’s there to make money; she’s not after your husband.

]]> By: Dating Down Under http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46529 Dating Down Under Fri, 23 Oct 2009 05:44:46 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46529 It's purely insecurity in your boyfriend's head. Maybe he is looking for a chance to cheat on you and is not getting it. He thinks you get all the guys to sleep with whereas he is not getting the chance. It's him who thinks of all such things and hence feels jealous and insecured. Such men can never be true to themselves or to others. It’s purely insecurity in your boyfriend’s head. Maybe he is looking for a chance to cheat on you and is not getting it. He thinks you get all the guys to sleep with whereas he is not getting the chance. It’s him who thinks of all such things and hence feels jealous and insecured. Such men can never be true to themselves or to others.

]]> By: Jessica http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46524 Jessica Fri, 23 Oct 2009 03:15:59 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46524 Serenity...LEAVE HIM NOW! I also married a man like that, moved from my country to the USA to be with him...only to find out it GOT WORSE with time and I finally ended up leaving him and everything behind, back to my own country, 3 months pregnant, with no money (he had taken all I had)...to start over again. Almost 5 years later I am a single mother, poorer but wiser and living in sweet FREEDOM! Serenity…LEAVE HIM NOW! I also married a man like that, moved from my country to the USA to be with him…only to find out it GOT WORSE with time and I finally ended up leaving him and everything behind, back to my own country, 3 months pregnant, with no money (he had taken all I had)…to start over again. Almost 5 years later I am a single mother, poorer but wiser and living in sweet FREEDOM!

]]> By: Ava http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46519 Ava Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:33:30 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46519 This guy is exhibiting all the symptoms of a control freak. These men generally don't get better, they get worse, because they don't believe that there is anyting wrong with THEM. There is a strong potential for physical abuse here. This isn't a healthy relationship; don't let it escalate into something even worse. If he can't trust you and doesn't think he has a problem, get out now. This guy is exhibiting all the symptoms of a control freak. These men generally don’t get better, they get worse, because they don’t believe that there is anyting wrong with THEM. There is a strong potential for physical abuse here. This isn’t a healthy relationship; don’t let it escalate into something even worse. If he can’t trust you and doesn’t think he has a problem, get out now.

]]> By: downtowngal http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-can-i-make-my-boyfriend-less-jealous/comment-page-1/#comment-46518 downtowngal Fri, 23 Oct 2009 01:46:21 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=2081#comment-46518 Spot on, Evan. This guy sounds like like a wacko. Though I wonder, is there more to the story? The letter is pretty short and doesn't include many details. This guy definitely sounds wacky but knowing this, is there something she's doing to push his buttons? How long have they been dating....3 months and she's just discovering this? or has this been going on for some time? She states that her BF accuses her - not of 'seeing' other guys but of 'sleeping' with them. hmmm.... Spot on, Evan. This guy sounds like like a wacko.

Though I wonder, is there more to the story? The letter is pretty short and doesn’t include many details. This guy definitely sounds wacky but knowing this, is there something she’s doing to push his buttons? How long have they been dating….3 months and she’s just discovering this? or has this been going on for some time? She states that her BF accuses her – not of ‘seeing’ other guys but of ‘sleeping’ with them. hmmm….

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