Comments on: How Can You Change Your Boyfriend Without Him Getting Insulted?

By: pericles

pericles — Wed, 28 May 2008 05:48:08 +0000

The biggest problem with this scenario is giving advice that was never asked for, especially right at the time it happened. Better to wait awhile, and let your own feelings about the matter have time to settle, because what you really told him is that you think he was pathetic and sad for behaving the way he did (which you may very well have felt). You did not convey to him that you care about him; what you told him is that any inadequacies he feels around his brother are quite noticeable (embarrassing to have you point that then, isn’t it?) and that you are embarrassed by his behavior. Gee, when my ex-husband did this kind of thing to me, it made me feel 2 feet tall. Like an idiot kid. And it didn’t endear him to me, either. Don’t do this a lot if you want to preserve this relationship. Instead, ask yourself why his behavior with his brother (with whom he has a lot of history with that you don’t know anything about) bothers you so much.

By: valerie

valerie — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 16:09:11 +0000

Selena : “I don’t need this amatuer psychobabble..”

It’s ok to think that as long as, at some point, you get past the defensive initial response and actually take a good hard look at yourself. We get the best feedback from people who care about us.

By: Ethan

Ethan — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 18:32:06 +0000

Whenever initiating what MAY be understood as difficult criticism, RULE 1 – keep it short. The longer you continue to talk, the more buttons you may inadvertently be pushing from someone’s past.
RULE 2 – be vulnerable yourself, rather than being critical of the other.
In this case you might have simply said, “I felt pretty uncomfortable tonight. That was an awkward evening with your brother. How are you feeling ? “

By: cami

cami — Fri, 30 Nov 2007 22:48:29 +0000

wow. he sounds like a good, solid guy. that’s the sort of reconciliation that takes a lot of maturity on both sides.

I hear your story and think, “where are all the guys like that?”

good, luck with this keeper of yours, jules!

By: downtowngal

downtowngal — Wed, 28 Nov 2007 03:02:59 +0000

wow, sounds like you guys have a nice foundation for a great future together! glad to hear you got passed this and best of luck!

By: Markus

Markus — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 16:51:32 +0000

That’s cool Jules. Thanks for the update. Good luck.

By: Jules

Jules — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 09:42:33 +0000

Hi, it’s me – the woman who originally wrote in with my question. I just wanted to provide an update on the situation (seems like years ago we had that fight).

First off, when I read my own words and the phrasing I used to talk about his brother, I think it sounded pretty harsh. What I meant was that I think my boyfriend is 100 times more open-minded about stuff like working women and religion in general. His brother is generally disapproving of any relationship structure other than the traditional male breadwinner model. That’ s the comparison I was making when I said my boyfriend was “better” than his brother, and that’s why I felt he didn’t have to work/not be himself to impress the guy. Still, it was definitely a poor choice of words.

Anyway, it’s been over a month since we had that fight, and it’s been great ever since. The next morning, he woke me up and apologized for his reaction. I said I was sorry too and that I knew I went too far. Then he said he was thankful he had me to be straight with him. He admitted his brother brings out a competitive side of him, and he hadn’t been aware that anyone could see it. Then he told me he loved me for the first time. We have started falling deeply in love since then and he thinks we should live together.

Thanks everyone for you feedback.

By: Markus

Markus — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 03:58:05 +0000

Right on Selena. Just saying, wow. You are what is wrong with women.

By: Selena

Selena — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 21:29:09 +0000

When I read this I thought, “Wow. If someone spent all that time trying to psychoanalyze me over one evening, I’d wonder–why are they with me?” Followed immediately by the thought, “I don’t need this amatuer psychobabble, why am I with them?”

So he bragged on himself in front of his brother, (who’s known him all his life) what’s the big deal? Especially, since the poor guy doesn’t seem to make a habit of bragging. Gee. I think Jules just blew it all out of proportion and the whole incident says more about her need to dissect every nuance of a situation than it says about his behavior. She could have just made a joke out of it on another day and made her point without making him feel picked on and resentful.

By: ...just saying

...just saying — Sun, 25 Nov 2007 01:48:14 +0000

I think evan’s response sez more about evan than about her. it doesn’t sound as if she was trying to ‘change’ him. perhaps she could have handled it a different way. perhaps he should have reacted differently. who knows?

the issue isn’t that she’s this nagging hag of a woman, or how women are always nagging guys (by the way, guys, if you keep finding that women are trying to ‘change’ you, perhaps it’s not them…otherwise be honest with yourself if you really want to be in a relationship).

the issue is mars and venus. it’s how women should effectively communicate with a guy without seeming nagging or like a doormat. evan, girls view these things differently. instead of advising her to place herself in his shoes, you should suggest how she could approach him with something that bothers her in a more appropriate manner. Relationship take work, and if one party is not happy the other will know and if the other doesn’t speak up it’ll snowball into resentment.

we’re always told to ‘communicate’ in relationships, many of us always say that’s the one thing we’ve learned from previous relationships (just check out the male profiles on jdate).

Jules, if you feel comfortable, let us know how it turns out….