How Close Should My Boyfriend Be With His Ex?
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Which is why I’m not willing to go out on a limb and suggest that you’re in the same situation. After all, I don’t have all the facts. Among the important ones:
How old are you? 35-year-olds are usually better decision makers than 25-year-olds. They’re often better able to separate relationships into different components and can see things clearer in retrospect. I have a number of girlfriends that I’m appalled that I ever dated, a handful of girlfriends who were wonderful whom I didn’t appreciate, and a few girlfriends that really, would have been better off as friends. I’m guessing this guy is no different.
How long have you and your boyfriend been together? If you’re a recent couple, you don’t really have a right to say anything about how he lives his life. You don’t have any leverage on a man until he loves you, and the more you pressure him to change, the less likely he’s going to be busting out the “L-Word” any time soon.
Nothing makes a man want to cheat (or leave) more than a girlfriend who doesn’t trust him.
And the most important fact that we’re not privy to…
Who dumped whom? Usually, the person who got dumped is the one who still wanted to be in the relationship. The person who did the dumping is the one who thought long and hard about whether it was a wise decision to end a 2 ½ year relationship. If your boyfriend concluded that, all things considered, his ex was not a good fit for him in the longterm, whether its due to different views on sex, money, religion, or personality conflicts, then that’s all you need to know. Ask yourself this: would YOU take back anyone that you’ve dumped? That’s right. Neither would we.
And the real truth is that I wouldn’t take back anyone who dumped me either. Sure, at the time, I was reeling, and wishing things could be different. But then the smoke began to clear and I started to see my ex’s for what they were – normal, flawed women, not visions of perfection like I made them out to be. So even those who dumped me wouldn’t get a second shake today. Think about the men who dumped you and whether you’d truly take them back. I’m guessing you wouldn’t.
At the end of the day, it’s not my place to say whether they’re “too close”. Two to three times a week does seem excessive, I’ll admit. What I would probably suggest is that if you’re “the one” for your boyfriend, he’ll start to show it in his actions and won’t want to spend as much time and energy on his ex. You won’t have to say anything at all to make it happen. If you find you’re not getting your relationship needs met, you can leave. In the meantime, get out of your own way. You’re getting yourself tied up in knots and it’s surely not serving your goal of maintaining a healthy relationship with your boyfriend.
You’re the one who just said you trust him 100%.
You’re the one who said he won’t cheat with her.
How about you start living your life like it?
Because nothing makes a man want to cheat (or leave) more than a girlfriend who doesn’t trust him.
As I’ve said many, many times before, it’s either full trust or no trust.
What do you think is going to lead to a better relationship.
And if anyone wants to get on my case about telling her to accept her boyfriend’s behavior, please go back to that paragraph where I said that if she’s not getting her relationship needs met, she should leave. But if she’s GOING to be in the relationship, the way to handle it is to be trusting, not edgy and jealous.
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44 Comments »Filed Under Cheating
Cheryl 1
yikes- that situation would drive me batty and there’s no way I could personally handle my boyfriend being that close to his ex. That’s just me though.
Demi 2
Wow, I give you kudos for responding to it in what seems like a pretty enlightened manner. If it were me I’m with Cheryl- I’d be pretty upset!
The bottom line here seems to be that he knows how this situation with his ex makes you feel (since you’ve told him), and it’s up to him to either do something about it, or not.
On your end, you have to decide if you’re OK with his actions (or inaction) on that front. Like Evan says: if this guy isn’t giving you what you personally need to feel secure…well, after letting him know your feelings and giving it some time, all that’s left is to leave.
I’d advise maybe taking a step back, getting into your own hobbies, hanging out with some friends…put yourself in a happy place and see where this goes.
starthrower68 3
On the one hand, what Evan says makes perfect sense. I am pretty good friends with my ex husband, but I know that I could not ever live with him again. His current wife knows this and is not threatened by it. I get along with her quite well too, but have not ever knowingly given her a reason to suspect me.
That having been said, if this sort of situation makes me feel that uncomfortable, I’m walking. I agree that it’s best for the OP to get out of her own way and stop tying herself up in knots, but to me the best way to do that is just bow out gracefully and move on to a guy who doesn’t have such close ties to his ex. But then I tend to be an avoidant personality type anyway.
35Y old here :) 4
I bet he was the dumper. The “reason” must have been bad timing, financial/career issues that “made it impossible” for him to commit to her. Slow, dragged-out breakup ensued. Then they got back together as “friends”, after the period of time required to soothe the terror he felt vis-a-vis intimacy. In fact, now it is perfect for him, as his relationship needs are completely satisfied (what can be better than two lukewarm half-relationships to someone who is batshit scared to have both feet in one relationship, with one person?). He is going to play this Ex card to not commit of LW. The three of them may merrily continue this way, but worries that LW will need to cook for the ex during family holidays are pretty much unwarranted: he is not the marrying kind. The biggest threat to everything ending abruptly and badly: when the ex grows up and falls in love with someone else.
Venus 5
When my exhusband and I were dating he had an old flame like that. Always present, showed up unexpectedly at events she knew we would be attending, dropped in on him at the office, always keeping him up to date on her family happenings and occasions. Reacting to me with cool acceptance. Obviously had a hidden agenda.
So I asked him frankly about her “Does Ann still have feelings for you?” He replied that he had not thought about it because they had been friends so long but now that I had brought it up it was something that was worthy of assessment. So he made a conscious effort to gradually create some distance. She became resentful of me but eventually got the message and also lessened her contact.
So it might be worth the effort to discuss this with your boyfriend and if you are uncomfortable with the exchanges let him know this. He might be willing to adjust his behavior.
MC 6
Dear Irene,
Been there. I also thought my boyfriend at the time wouldn’t cheat on me, but I didn’t trust her, too invasive, too “hey, don’t forget me, happy for you and your new girlfriend, but don’t forget me”. She was the one who dumped him after NINE years together, and one day she woke up and told him she wanted him back. He didn’t hesitate, not even for 24h.
He cheated on me and then dumped me over an e-mail while I was at work (yes! He did that!). Just like this, I couldn’t understand what was going on, since we never had a fight, the only problem was “her”, all over the place. Then I found out he cheated on me with her. And he even tried to make it look as if he did what was correct, ha!
My advice? If you’ve been together for a short time, just like Evan says, wait and see. If things don’t change, find a guy who has a normal relationship with all of his exes. You will lose NOTHING if you lose a guy that doesn’t respect you and your relationship.
Please, don’t wait too long, you deserve a good boyfriend with no intoxicating ex…
LK 7
To me, this seems abnormal behavior. If it’s a short relationship between the LW and the guy, then I agree that he shouldn’t dump his friends for a new girlfriend. However, I think it’s a fair generalization to say that a large percentage of people would feel uncomfortable if their new partner was talking to an ex 2-3x a week. Even if I was really good with my ex’s (I’m not friends with them at all), I would try to keep the friendship at a certain distance to not make potential new partners question me, like the LW is doing to her boyfriend. It just make sense to me… it’s almost kind of like a social grace. If they have been dating for a while, and if he wants her to be okay with the situation, he should compromise a bit too – maybe talk to her less. It’s not really fair to say “you’re just sensitive, learn to deal” when you apparently are trying to sustain a relationship.
Angie 8
I agree that the situation is disrespectful and inappropriate, and think that the level of interaction he has with her is way more than reasonable. I do agree with #4 to some extent… it does seem like he is having an emotional relationship with her and a romantic/physical relationship with you.
BUT before I go dumping him, I think it is fair to do what Venus #5 did, and request he pull back, only on the grounds that you are picking up a “She’s still into you” vibe. His comment about “If” you get married (the big IF…) that she would come for holiday dinners is nuts. She has a family! That, to me, reads like he is trying to hold some power card in the relationship, and knock you down a peg, whether consciously or subconsciously.
myhonestanswer 9
This is such an interesting question. I’d love for Irene to head over and get myhonestanswer!
I think Evan is on the right track though – you either trust him, or you don’t. You can’t only trust him around certain people. That isn’t trust.
Judy 10
I would not tolerate a new or old boyfriend hanging out with an ex girlfriend. The family was totally inappropriate when they met the new girlfriend, and he clearly is not boyfriend material. Keep looking, it’s a heartache in waiting.
Ruby 11
Wow, I had a similar situation with a boyfriend. The ex just couldn’t let go, became obsessive, and even engaged in some weird, stalkerish behavior, like dumping things at his house and incessant hang-up calls (in the days before caller ID was everpresent). He wore up, down, and sideways that he had no interest in her other than friendship, and told me he dumped her because their romantic relationship sucked. Eventually, he broke up with me, and guess what? He ran straight back to her, and they ended up getting married. I realized later that he was secretly flattered by the attention, which isn’t exactly the healthiest response either.
I disagree that people do not get back together with their exes. In fact, it happens all the time. If Irene and her boyfriend are really a solid couple, the ex should be hanging out with both of them.
MH 12
Time may tell. If it seems that this new relationship isn’t advancing, then it sounds like the BF hasn’t let go of his ex. I think this girl should just keep her eye open for new guys if it seems like closeness this is going to still happen. Better to be with someone who has moved on than not.
Zann 13
Sorry, what LW describes is not friendship with an ex — because those types of friendships have healthy boundaries, which I’m not seeing in this situation. I’m totally in agreement about the complete-trust or no-trust philosophy and the ugliness of jealousy, insecurity, possessiveness. I also believe that the best kind of ex is one with whom you’re on friendly terms. But I also think truly healthy relationships can only grow when both people are ready and willing to let go of the past, ugh to move on and invest 100% in the new relationship. The Be-Here-Now mode of living & thinking.
That’s my mature side talking. In more crude terms: Boyfriend needs to you-know-what or get off the that cozy little pot he’s occupying. Pretty safe to say he has no plans to do either, because apparently he requires the intimate connection of 2 women in order to have his “full spectrum” of needs met. Without judging that, (Har!) and based on my own experience with this kind of situation, this is a hands-down double-dealbreaker for me. It involves his inability to disengage from his old girlfriend (and to me, who dumped who is irrelevant), coupled with the enmeshed families’ intrusiveness. Oy.
As they say, life’s short. Find someone who’s happy as a clam having just wonderful you sharing his primary intimacy needs, and leave this selfish momma’s boy behind.
Annie Gleason 14
I think Evan is on the right track. I have a suggestion that might help Irene to feel at ease with this situation.
Try to make friends with the ex. Ask her to go to lunch or coffee, tell her that you’d like to get to know her, but that you’d rather not discuss the boyfriend. Then talk about everything else you have in common. Change the subject when his name comes up.
This worked wonders for me and my ex, who is also a close friend. When he and his fiance got together a dozen years ago, she and I bonded over business, gardening, dancing–whatever we had in common (aside from him.) We socialize together as a threesome and with each other one-on-one. She knows that I totally support her and their relationship because she and I took time to establish trust and our own friendship.
It’s awkward at first, but Irene will soon discover where the ex is coming from, and, if all is on the up-and-up, she will likely make a new friend. Her boyfriend will feel more relaxed about the situation, because he won’t be caught in the middle.
Annie Gleason, Midlife Dating Coach, Get A Love Life
Debra 15
Zann, your advice is always golden. Love when you comment!
I have only been able to remain friends/acquaintances with exes when there was no real emotional bond. If there was, at least one person probably got hurt, and before A LOT of time has passed, a friendship will be complicated, at best. Sounds like boyfriend’s ex– and his relationship with her– are way too present in his life right now. It’s not necessarily that he will cheat; it’s just that he might not be emotionally available. Irene should proceed with caution.
Flower White 16
If she desires a stable dependable non-dramatic relationship then she needs to dump him and move on.
WHY do we women waste time with the obvious? It’s toxic too much nonsense say goodbye. Odds stacked against this. Better odds in Vegas!
Annie 17
I was in a relationship like that. He was getting his physical and romantic needs met by me, and his need for emotional intimacy met by another woman.
When I ended things, he ended things with the other woman also, and fell in love with some-one completely different.
Most important question you can ask yourself, are your needs getting met?
starthrower68 18
If Irene can reach a level of acceptance with this and she is sure in her heart there’s no jealousy, then she might be able to move forward and even develop a strong friendship with the ex gf. However, if she will be plagued by insecurity and jealousy let it go. Do not stay in any situation that perpetuates those emotions as they are toxic and destructive.
Tina 19
Beware of the ex!!! At least in my neck of the woods (Italy), the ex-girlfriends are VERY aggressive and competitive, and they pounce just for the sake of pouncing, whether they really want the guy or not. It’s a lack of respect towards the current girlfriend any way you look at it. Jealousy or no jealousy, there is nothing that makes me more mad than feeling disrespected. I’m lucky not to have had such drama with my current boyfriend, who has taken the initiative and demonstrated that he wants to be with just me.
I think that trust is one of the biggest gestures of love that exists, but at the same time, I have learned not to ever step aside so that someone else (an ex, for example) can “take the stage”. If it feels really bad in your stomach, do what you need to do to feel better.
Tina 20
P.S. I am best friends with an ex, and he is getting married this year. When I saw how excited he was to start dating her and brought her around to meet his “posse”, something that he simply doesn’t do with just any girl, I turned my focus to getting to know HER, and to leaving them alone, as a gesture of respect to her and to the new relationship. In the end, she and I have bonded quite a bit, we really like each other, and they have asked me to be in the wedding!
I am absolutely thrilled. Anyway, she is a very secure, relaxed girl who doesn’t seem like the jealous type anyway, but I like to think that because I stepped waaaaaaay aside and stayed out of the way, I was able to earn her trust and pretty quickly too.
morgan 21
I have an ex who I consider to be one of my best friends. I love him, but am not in love and have no interest in him sexually. After 15 years, he is still with the woman who broke us up – they were close friends but it became apparent it was more than platonic, I told him to choose but he couldn’t. So I ended it. It took some years before I could build a friendship with him but now we are close. His partner is not altogether comfortable with this. She knows we are in contact but I don’t think he tells her about every time we catch up. I’m no threat to their relationship. I’m friendly to her when I see her. I’m not sure what else he could do to make her feel okay about it.
The proposal that people should not be friends with their exes sounds a little immature to me. Like everything else, it all depends… on the individual circumstances. In some cases the tenor of the friendship might signal problems but in other cases it will be fine – a healthy relationship between two people with shared history. In Irene’s case I think I’d be wondering – 2-3 times a week seems like a lot of contact – I don’t even speak to any of my closests friends or family that regularly all the time.
Some good perspectives about how to deal with it @ 5, 7 & 14.
Mike 22
Wow this guy trully loves his ex and cant let her go so you need to be the one to go dont take this crap dont even explain just leave
Trenia 23
Am I missing something here? This guy is a total jerk! He is letting his girlfriend know the pecking order and priority of his relationships, and she is definitely not at the top. Secondly, this man has no respect for either one of these women and he’s stringing them both along. So he gets to have new sex with his new girlfriend while simultaneously having the comfort of the old flame that still has feelings for him, well how nice for him. His game is old and tired.
This goes beyond trust, this is about basic etiquette, you don’t spend all of this time with an ex, or anyone for that matter, when you’re trying to honestly and genuinely start a new relationship.
And he’s already putting her on notice about holidays that may or may not happen? Are you kidding me?
She should tell him how she feels and watch and see if he self-corrects. If not, move on.
C. 24
Yikes! I’m less concerned with the ex-girlfriend in this story and more with the horribly uncouth potential mother-in-law! Good luck with that one.
And yeah, I agree with Trenia thats its strange for your boyfriend to incorporate future holiday dinners with the ex in your marriage discussions. Strange in the very least.
Catharine 25
I think that the guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Why would any woman want to deal with an ex girlfriend at holiday time or listen to the guy’s mother discuss the details. I have a son and I would not do that to him! Why should she have to make friends with the ex-girlfriend? How would he feel if the situation was reversed? Would he be willing to share her with an ex, listen to the girl’s mother talk about the ex or even include the ex in holiday plans? I doubt he would be hanging around for long.
Shouraku 26
First I should mention that I am good friends with more than once of my ex’s, so when I give this advice it is not without personal experience or consideration of the OP’s boyfriend’s side.
How many of your friend’s family holiday events have you attended? For me it is only a few. Certainly not a yearly occurrence. Why? Because I have my own family events to attend around the holidays. Do you know who does attend my family’s functions on a regular bases? family members.
Do you know who I call two to three times a week? My family.
Do you know who my family members talk about in great detail while at family functions? Other family members.
I realize that different families have different rules regarding family vs friends. However, in my personal experience a person who is invited to attend all family holiday functions, and is in constant weekly contact, and is discussed in great detail by other family members is either a fellow family member or a close family friend who is practically family.
From my perspective it seems like you are being asked not to accept his friendship with his ex as much as accept his ex’s position in his family as a family member. More of a “my ex is so integrated into my life and family that it would be too painful/inconvenient for us to exclude her at this point” than a “have you met my close friend?” situation. Hell, his parents are even friends with hers.
You cant change men, and really it is not your place to anyway. So, if I were in your position, the question that I would be asking myself would be “If this relationship works out, would I be willing to accept his ex as a part of my new family?”. Because frankly, that seems to be a bit closer to what is being expected of you.
Terri 27
Trenia, C and Catherine:
I fully agree with your responses. Conversations 2 or 3 times a week? Please…..give me a break! What could they possibly have to talk about so often?
And being a mother-in-law myself, I am always careful NOT to mention my daughter’s prior relationships because I do not think it is appropriate AND because she has said she does not want me to since it is disrespectful of her husband. Who I like very much!
I am also careful not to mention any prior relationships to my son’s GF because it is very wrong to do so! This Mom In Law would be a serious problem and should be so informed by her son.
Irene should not have to become friends with her BF’s ex. This works well in movies but I do not think would work out in real life. IMO an ultra phony situation that I would not handle well.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He needs to commit to Irene and put the ex on a back burner for an occasional chat and not project a relationship with her and Irene into the future.
Sheyna 28
I have a close friendship with an ex. We were together for 6 years and still have financial entanglements in the form of joint debts and we have a dog. Until there is a ring on my finger I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to tell me how often I can speak to him and I wouldn’t presume to impose on someone else’s life that way either until there was a certain level of commitment.
SS 29
I also agree with these last few posts.
I don’t know how long Irene has been with her boyfriend, but I think this is yet another time when she needs to just kick him to the curb and move on. It’s one thing to be friends with an ex, quite another to have her constantly around like she still has girlfriend privileges.
If HE was a good guy, he wouldn’t want an ex to interfere with his current relationship… but as we see, he’s doing the exact opposite!!!
Fawn 30
This is definitely one of those situations where more info is needed. (1) How long has the poster been dating this guy. (2) in regards to the ex girlfriend – who did the breaking up and why. (3) does the ex girlfriend or her boyfriend harbor any residual “romantic” feelings for one another. Not knowing any of the above, I would still have to say that this situation would make me very uncomfortable, especially as our feelings for one another and our relationship grew. IMHO – Your significant other should be your best friend – not an EX.
BeenThruTheWars 31
Watch your back around his openly disrespectful mother. She’s either very immature and rude, or else she’s pushing her own agenda – if not both.
Selena 32
I concur with Ruby #11: “people get back with their ex’s all the time”.
I’ve been back and forth with lovers several times. TWO of my ex’s married women they were involved with before me, after we broke up. Have wondered sometimes how much contact was going on while he and I were still together – hmm.
I think the coolest, least jealous woman would be uncomfortable with this situation Irene. Question is: do you think you will EVER be comfortable with it? I wouldn’t. But then, I would have been out of there right after meeting Mom.
Darren Miller 33
Hey Even or Irene. This is déjà vu to me. I say that because I was the boyfriend who really connected with my ex. We literally did everything together, from leaving my house in the mornings (we didn’t live together) and working together, to leaving work and going for drinks, yeah pretty intense. It was the fact we had so much in common and had so much history.
I don’t talk to my ex as much as I used to as my girlfriend didn’t like it. Looking back now when she did say stop talking to her, but I still did and that didn’t work at all. I only understood when she sat me down and asked me what I really wanted from the relationship. I responded with ‘all I want is you’, and she said she felt the same but she was unhappy about me talking to my ex all the time.
If I really wanted to talk to my ex then there was nothing she could do about it. However, I could see in her eyes how much this hurt her and I realized I have to take her feelings into consideration and compromise.
Irene 34
Thank you all so much for your comments and advice. I was the one that originally posted the question to Evan and here’s an update:
I ended up breaking up with him 2 weeks ago, without reading any of these comments since I didn’t get an email notification until yesterday lol. But I think the decision agreed with most of your comments. To clarify a few things: he is 30, not sure who broke up with whom re the ex gf (he said it was mutual), like #13 Zann (love your comment btw) said, it was irrelevant in my eyes, we dated for 9 months, he started to say L word a lot after the first month, at least 10 times a day, it felt artificial to me.
What triggered the breakup: (on the phone) we were planning a trip to go to San Diego together for a wedding, not only did the mom invite herself, she informed him that she will be staying at the Ex gf’s parents’ house, I told my ex bf that it made me feel uber uncomfortable and she should just stay with us.. he said “you want me to change my mom’s itinerary just for you?” and I just lost it. And towards the end, he stated ” I cannot give up my friendship with #$^#(ex gf) base on what we have.” WOW
We had our one last face to face talk last weekend (also to give each other some belongings back), and it really cleared the cloud for me, my ex bf told me the ex gf bad mouthed me in front of his mom before the mom even met me. Apparently the ex gf thought I was rude to her when I first met her, I was not even close to rude, just not as friendly, which I thought was reasonable. Nonetheless, the mom never liked me and tried pushing me away the whole time passive aggressively since she never told my ex bf that she didn’t like me until we broke up. It was a relationship set up for failure.
My takeaway from this experience is never put up with a guy who doesn’t take your concerns seriously. My ex’s normal response was always “why are you mad for nothing?” It doesn’t matter its the fact that he’s best friends with an ex or the fact that you don’t like watermelon and he loves it, respect is everything in a relationship. And Angie @ #8 is totally right, he has a emotional relationship with the ex and a romantic/physical relationship with me, having his cake and eat it too. He was still confused at the end of our break up conversation, asking “what went wrong with us?” after I voiced my discomfort countless times. This guy obviously is helpless and it is not my job to make him a better person. I think Darren Miller @33 is a much matured person than my ex.
I agree with some of your comments that trust is what makes a relationship, but in my case, there were just too many variables, and I don’t have the time or energy to deal with this mess… and I honestly feel bad for the next girl.
MC 35
Irene,
So happy for you, what you did was right! So many actors in this movie are behaving in a wrong way, good for you you got out! He, she, and the she-mom will never be happy, but now you won’t be around for them to blame everything on you…
And by the way, “what went wrong with us?”, really? Yeah, I feel bad for the next girl too… Unless she walks away, just like you did!
Good for you!
cindy 36
Thanks to all for the wonderful commentary and advice. I am facing a similar situation (tho contact with the ex is not as much). My BF acts like I shouldn’t be bothered, as “nothing is going on”. Without flogging a dead horse, suffice to say that I have now made him have to face the situation, and waiting to see how he will handle it. The gut intuition thing is telling me somethings not right. (Ex is still crazy about him, asked if they could be friends with fringe benefits if they had to just be friends, –and has taken him back twice before after other break ups. You guys have encouraged me to realize that I’m not crazy, that there is reason for concern, and that there is a basic lack of respect for our relationship. (been seeing him for over a year). I’m not just being paranoid or unreasonably jealous! T h a n k s!
Goldie 37
Wow, I’ve always been the biggest proponent of staying friends with your exes (and made sure I stayed friends with mine), but this post just goes to show you that someone will always try and take it too far. If you’re cutting down on the time you spend with your family, SO etc. to spend time with your ex-GF, to the tune of 10-20 hours a week (what with those phone convos, lunches and dinners), that’s not “staying friends” in my opinion. And I’ve always found the daily commenting and posting on the same person’s FB to be a dead giveaway that there’s still something going on.
samantha 38
Thank you for this insightful email. My boyfriend gets on better with women then men and has kept alot of ex’s as friends. He is a nice guy so its no wonder they want to stay friends. I have had trouble accepting it at times as a couple in particular clearly want more but as you have shown the more I get upset the worse the situation gets and its not worth it. I have decided to not mention a thing show trust and see where it leads, as you clearly wrote if your relationship needs are not met you can walk away.
I am thank ful to have found such a clear and honest approached advice. Again many thanks .
JD 39
Irene,
Good for you. My ex-fiance had an ex-live-in girlfriend like this. She dumped him because she wanted to have a baby and he didn’t. They 37 by this point and her biological clock was ticking, but his wasn’t. His family invited her to every family holiday while mostly ignoring me and called her their “fifth sister” in front of me. As soon as we started dating, she became more involved with him. They already worked together, had lunch together regularly. He invited her to all parties at his house. Then she started taking him to and from the airport, watching his dog when he’d visit or had to go away for work. She tailored his clothing, made his favorite meals, ran races together. We had a long-distance relationship so she saw him more than I did and whenever we had problems, he would talk to her about it. She would pull me aside and say things like, “You do know he’s an asshole right? You’ll be disappointed if you live with him.” Meanwhile, when they were together at a party, he would gush over her and vice versa. He would literally leave me without even a care as to where I was to talk to her for hours. We even had to triple date with her and the man she had the baby with. It was so awkward. We got engaged and our relationship ended when we went to a destination wedding for his brother. She came too and paid $5000 to be there. The family treated her like family meanwhile, I was going to be their sister-in-law in only three months. My ex-fiance catered to her, his sister gushed about her, hung out with her, never called me once to hang out or get to know me. In fact, his sister didn’t like the way that my ex-fiance was treating his ex-girlfriend. She thought he seemed “cold” to her and she didn’t like it that I didn’t want to be with her 24 hours a day….His sister and brother told him that if I couldn’t accept the old girlfriend as a family member, I shouldn’t be part of the family! He told me that she would be in his life forever and that he thought we’d fight about it, so less than 24 later, he dumped me …on the phone. He waited until we were back to our respective houses. He left me with all sorts of biils, my kids cried because they were attached to him. He never talked to them at all. He never talked to me about it really…it was over, end of story. He choose the ex-girlfriend and so did his family. It was all really odd considering that the ex-girlfriend left him to have another man’s baby and couldn’t live with him either but I guess they are spiritual soulmates. He wouldn’t consider my feelings ever and in fact, rearranged a party date to include his ex and exclude me! I was leaving my secure job, selling my house, moving my children for him, and he wasn’t willing to just curtail his relationship with the ex. I never asked him to end it, but I told him that I wasn’t going to be her best friend (she had bought me shots on the wedding night and asked me to be her best friend, which I thought was so odd…). In the end, he just wasn’t able to commit to me, to make me a priority and his family seemed like they already voted too…they wanted the ex-girlfriend…not me. Very, very painful. I was absolutely devastated especially since we had known each other for over 32 years and were reunited lovers and friends ourselves….You’re better off and so am I.
Linda 40
Wow. Insightful. My significant other just recently took a trip with his x wife guess where? Hawaii. OF course it was for his “boys”. Did I mention he had promised that trip to my daughter and I… True. Well about ready to leave and this is after 71/2 years. His family still loves his x and I am “that” woman. Life is educational. I am in my 40′s. I am educated and a professional. Perhaps I have no common sense.
Cat 41
I just went through this but not just with 1, actually 4 ex girlfriends. Only one I felt all right about cause she dumped him. All the others he dumped and maintained a co-dependent relationship with. He has held a relationship with 3 of them for 18-20 years and the last girlfriend of 12 years over the past 4 years behind my back, and she and I do not like each other at all. I actually hate her. His relationship with all them was secret. He told me he stopped seeing them but never told me anything about the ex of 12 years until I got spyware and found out everything. I suspected. After a 4 year relationship this was highly painful mostly because he said the worse things about me to them behind my back and shared my private details even illness with them. I have found this guy to be a total narcissist and studied the traits of narcissist and his one ex girlfriend also is. They are narcissists and have highly co-dependent relationships. He and his friends are all English… I am American and NEVER experienced this before with ant boyfriend andI have had foreign boyfriends from other countries. This guy is a complete liberal and has no boundaries but does not use drugs, comes from a broken family and lacks confidence, Very handsome guy but he never seemed to respect my feelings- I left him but I am shattered by the entire fact that he lied and constantly lied and saw them behind my back. I do not recommend English men but I am sure not all are like this but many- look at Prince Charles.
Cat 42
Also trust is not black and white esp when a partner betrays you- life is not black and white and to say you trust or don’t is immature to say the least. When you trust then something happens so you don’t trust or trust again immediately- good grief you people who say this must have little experience of the world- trust is gained and for some it is a gradual thing, not instant…. no wonder the divorce rates are so high- you completely trust then once something happens, you don’t. It is relative based on a person’s background and needs as well as experiences. If your teenager gets pregnant, has an abortion, etc… as a parent would you fully trust your teen not to get pregnant again instantly? or not trust them so disown them? I think the normal thing would to gain trust again over a period of time by them proving that they are going to do the right thing. Same with recovering from infidelity in your marriage- it takes time to regain trust esp trust that has been fractured.
marymary 43
cat
I’m sorry for your experience. I’m English born and don’t think that your ex or Prince Charles are typical. Two men don’t represent all English men.
Mind you, at least Prince Charles demonstrates that not all men are looking for younger and hotter. Even one with lots of options.
Beware the man who causes you to hate other women. The other women are a distraction. The real problem is him. I guess there is some fascination to watching your boyfriend prance about with other women but best to spare yourself the drama and just leave.
Hassi 44
The thing that really puzzles me is why anyone would want to be great friends with an ex. I can understand if they grew up together and or can’t avoid each other due to their social circles; were married before for instance. In all of these cases however, you still don’t expect the best of buddies… but something civil. Is there a shortage of people around to start new friendships with? What about your other circle of friends? Surely not everyone lives their lives like Friends (the American comedy show). I am not friends with any of my ex BFs because I see no benefits in it whatsoever. The ones I wanted to be friends with in the past was only because I had feelings for them! And the ones that wanted to maintain a friendship with me was because they still had feelings for me. What is the point? Make new friends I say and keep your present BF/GF at the top of your priority. You don’t need your exes – they became an ex for a reason.