Comments on: How Close Should My Boyfriend Be With His Ex?

By: Hassi

Hassi — Tue, 22 Jan 2013 22:03:06 +0000

The thing that really puzzles me is why anyone would want to be great friends with an ex. I can understand if they grew up together and or can’t avoid each other due to their social circles; were married before for instance. In all of these cases however, you still don’t expect the best of buddies… but something civil. Is there a shortage of people around to start new friendships with? What about your other circle of friends? Surely not everyone lives their lives like Friends (the American comedy show). I am not friends with any of my ex BFs because I see no benefits in it whatsoever. The ones I wanted to be friends with in the past was only because I had feelings for them! And the ones that wanted to maintain a friendship with me was because they still had feelings for me. What is the point? Make new friends I say and keep your present BF/GF at the top of your priority. You don’t need your exes – they became an ex for a reason.

By: marymary

marymary — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 14:41:52 +0000

cat
I’m sorry for your experience. I’m English born and don’t think that your ex or Prince Charles are typical. Two men don’t represent all English men.
Mind you, at least Prince Charles demonstrates that not all men are looking for younger and hotter. Even one with lots of options.
Beware the man who causes you to hate other women. The other women are a distraction. The real problem is him. I guess there is some fascination to watching your boyfriend prance about with other women but best to spare yourself the drama and just leave.

By: Cat

Cat — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 12:41:31 +0000

Also trust is not black and white esp when a partner betrays you- life is not black and white and to say you trust or don’t is immature to say the least. When you trust then something happens so you don’t trust or trust again immediately- good grief you people who say this must have little experience of the world- trust is gained and for some it is a gradual thing, not instant…. no wonder the divorce rates are so high- you completely trust then once something happens, you don’t. It is relative based on a person’s background and needs as well as experiences. If your teenager gets pregnant, has an abortion, etc… as a parent would you fully trust your teen not to get pregnant again instantly? or not trust them so disown them? I think the normal thing would to gain trust again over a period of time by them proving that they are going to do the right thing. Same with recovering from infidelity in your marriage- it takes time to regain trust esp trust that has been fractured.

By: Cat

Cat — Thu, 10 Jan 2013 12:29:37 +0000

I just went through this but not just with 1, actually 4 ex girlfriends. Only one I felt all right about cause she dumped him. All the others he dumped and maintained a co-dependent relationship with. He has held a relationship with 3 of them for 18-20 years and the last girlfriend of 12 years over the past 4 years behind my back, and she and I do not like each other at all. I actually hate her. His relationship with all them was secret. He told me he stopped seeing them but never told me anything about the ex of 12 years until I got spyware and found out everything. I suspected. After a 4 year relationship this was highly painful mostly because he said the worse things about me to them behind my back and shared my private details even illness with them. I have found this guy to be a total narcissist and studied the traits of narcissist and his one ex girlfriend also is. They are narcissists and have highly co-dependent relationships. He and his friends are all English… I am American and NEVER experienced this before with ant boyfriend andI have had foreign boyfriends from other countries. This guy is a complete liberal and has no boundaries but does not use drugs, comes from a broken family and lacks confidence, Very handsome guy but he never seemed to respect my feelings- I left him but I am shattered by the entire fact that he lied and constantly lied and saw them behind my back. I do not recommend English men but I am sure not all are like this but many- look at Prince Charles.

By: Linda

Linda — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 00:40:47 +0000

Wow. Insightful. My significant other just recently took a trip with his x wife guess where? Hawaii. OF course it was for his “boys”. Did I mention he had promised that trip to my daughter and I… True. Well about ready to leave and this is after 71/2 years. His family still loves his x and I am “that” woman. Life is educational. I am in my 40′s. I am educated and a professional. Perhaps I have no common sense.

By: JD

JD — Fri, 31 Aug 2012 19:59:42 +0000

Irene,
Good for you. My ex-fiance had an ex-live-in girlfriend like this. She dumped him because she wanted to have a baby and he didn’t. They 37 by this point and her biological clock was ticking, but his wasn’t. His family invited her to every family holiday while mostly ignoring me and called her their “fifth sister” in front of me. As soon as we started dating, she became more involved with him. They already worked together, had lunch together regularly. He invited her to all parties at his house. Then she started taking him to and from the airport, watching his dog when he’d visit or had to go away for work. She tailored his clothing, made his favorite meals, ran races together. We had a long-distance relationship so she saw him more than I did and whenever we had problems, he would talk to her about it. She would pull me aside and say things like, “You do know he’s an asshole right? You’ll be disappointed if you live with him.” Meanwhile, when they were together at a party, he would gush over her and vice versa. He would literally leave me without even a care as to where I was to talk to her for hours. We even had to triple date with her and the man she had the baby with. It was so awkward. We got engaged and our relationship ended when we went to a destination wedding for his brother. She came too and paid $5000 to be there. The family treated her like family meanwhile, I was going to be their sister-in-law in only three months. My ex-fiance catered to her, his sister gushed about her, hung out with her, never called me once to hang out or get to know me. In fact, his sister didn’t like the way that my ex-fiance was treating his ex-girlfriend. She thought he seemed “cold” to her and she didn’t like it that I didn’t want to be with her 24 hours a day….His sister and brother told him that if I couldn’t accept the old girlfriend as a family member, I shouldn’t be part of the family! He told me that she would be in his life forever and that he thought we’d fight about it, so less than 24 later, he dumped me …on the phone. He waited until we were back to our respective houses. He left me with all sorts of biils, my kids cried because they were attached to him. He never talked to them at all. He never talked to me about it really…it was over, end of story. He choose the ex-girlfriend and so did his family. It was all really odd considering that the ex-girlfriend left him to have another man’s baby and couldn’t live with him either but I guess they are spiritual soulmates. He wouldn’t consider my feelings ever and in fact, rearranged a party date to include his ex and exclude me! I was leaving my secure job, selling my house, moving my children for him, and he wasn’t willing to just curtail his relationship with the ex. I never asked him to end it, but I told him that I wasn’t going to be her best friend (she had bought me shots on the wedding night and asked me to be her best friend, which I thought was so odd…). In the end, he just wasn’t able to commit to me, to make me a priority and his family seemed like they already voted too…they wanted the ex-girlfriend…not me. Very, very painful. I was absolutely devastated especially since we had known each other for over 32 years and were reunited lovers and friends ourselves….You’re better off and so am I.

By: samantha

samantha — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 11:15:01 +0000

Thank you for this insightful email. My boyfriend gets on better with women then men and has kept alot of ex’s as friends. He is a nice guy so its no wonder they want to stay friends. I have had trouble accepting it at times as a couple in particular clearly want more but as you have shown the more I get upset the worse the situation gets and its not worth it. I have decided to not mention a thing show trust and see where it leads, as you clearly wrote if your relationship needs are not met you can walk away.

I am thank ful to have found such a clear and honest approached advice. Again many thanks .

By: Goldie

Goldie — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 14:01:26 +0000

Wow, I’ve always been the biggest proponent of staying friends with your exes (and made sure I stayed friends with mine), but this post just goes to show you that someone will always try and take it too far. If you’re cutting down on the time you spend with your family, SO etc. to spend time with your ex-GF, to the tune of 10-20 hours a week (what with those phone convos, lunches and dinners), that’s not “staying friends” in my opinion. And I’ve always found the daily commenting and posting on the same person’s FB to be a dead giveaway that there’s still something going on.

By: cindy

cindy — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 02:11:20 +0000

Thanks to all for the wonderful commentary and advice. I am facing a similar situation (tho contact with the ex is not as much). My BF acts like I shouldn’t be bothered, as “nothing is going on”. Without flogging a dead horse, suffice to say that I have now made him have to face the situation, and waiting to see how he will handle it. The gut intuition thing is telling me somethings not right. (Ex is still crazy about him, asked if they could be friends with fringe benefits if they had to just be friends, –and has taken him back twice before after other break ups. You guys have encouraged me to realize that I’m not crazy, that there is reason for concern, and that there is a basic lack of respect for our relationship. (been seeing him for over a year). I’m not just being paranoid or unreasonably jealous! T h a n k s!

By: MC

MC — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 21:59:47 +0000

Irene,

So happy for you, what you did was right! So many actors in this movie are behaving in a wrong way, good for you you got out! He, she, and the she-mom will never be happy, but now you won’t be around for them to blame everything on you…

And by the way, “what went wrong with us?”, really? Yeah, I feel bad for the next girl too… Unless she walks away, just like you did!

Good for you!