Comments on: How Come Everyone I Want to Meet Online Isn’t Interested in Me?

By: Akasha

Akasha — Mon, 13 May 2013 02:06:00 +0000

When I was in my early 20s, I dated several men who were 10 to 15 years older. In my early 30s, I dated a man who was 8 years older. None of these relationships worked, not least because these older men thought that they were “wiser” and “smarter” than a younger person, especially a woman (chauvinism abounds). When I entered my 30s, I found myself in situations with younger men, like joining the Peace Corps at age 33 and going to grad school at age 34, moving and living overseas at age 36 and staying there. Now I mostly find that I am either surrounded by Baby Boomer men who think that the world revolves around them and that younger women from their country should be totally into them or men in their 20s who are looking for a free ride and free lessons in … everything. This may have a lot to do with the fact that I am 40 and living in Latin America, which seems to attract the older partying crowd or the younger partying crowd and where the local men and women hunt you down because you are from another country. In the end, I find it all very insulting. Then the men my age that are here are so used to being swarmed by women 10 to 20 years younger than them, mostly looking for visas out of the country or economic security — harsh, but true — these conditions exist in most developing countries. Sadly, I see both foreign men and women totally exploiting the situation. What I don’t see are actual, real, love-based romantic relationships happening in any sense of that phrase. Part of the answer, of course, is to move out of the area.

However, when I was last in San Francisco, I found a variation of the same theme, esp in Silicon Valley. And a misconceptioin that a woman my age who lives, travels and moves around the world by herself is looking only for a fling and nothing more. Soooo …
But, I like living and working in other countries, speaking other languages and having the freedom that I have. I’ve met quite a few couples who live and work around the world together. It’s all a matter of finding the right person, if you are looking for a relationship. Overcoming stereotypes seems to be an on-going battle, though. And shaking off the younger men. It is not flattering to be seen as a walking wallet and as someone’s potential free teacher/mommy/psychologist and, having had this experience myself not even being well off (I’m a sociologist — we make enough to live where we work), I can only imagine what older, wealthy men feel when women flock to them … just for their money. Maybe I’m wrong here, but it has made me question the motives behind any guy who talks to me.

By: jojo

jojo — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 06:22:36 +0000

Oh, I forgot to mention – there has been a bit in the media about a site advertising for sugar daddies for younger women. Maybe that is the answer for men wanting that kind of thing

By: jojo

jojo — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 06:19:51 +0000

Yes, Jane, be thankful you’ve had a good experience and have grown children to show for it. I have had two long relationships, neither eventuated in marriage or children. The first one moved on to a friend of mine, the second one died. Although I loved them both, neither was an easy experience – and I wanted children so badly. Now I’m in my fifties, and beginning to get pretty disillusioned. When I read things like this letter it causes me to despair. The men my age who date women much younger cause me to despair also. I’d never go on internet dating for just that reason – it seems almost too pragmatic and calculating when people list the qualities they want in a partner. All I want is someone who loves me the same as I love them, who needs and wants me the same as I need and want them, who I can trust as they can trust me. A grown up man! Where are they?????

By: Rob

Rob — Sun, 10 Feb 2013 22:09:09 +0000

to Jane, at least you have two grown children. be very thankful you have that, and what about us good men out there that have no one. don’t you think that hurts a lot?, and we want so much to meet a good woman so that we can have a love life again. it sucks very much for us to be single and alone again, that is for sure.

By: Jane

Jane — Sat, 09 Feb 2013 21:56:52 +0000

I honestly do not know what the answer is in meeting a compatible person…I am a very attractive woman age 59. I look to be in my early 40s…I am progressive, fun, free spirited, very active and could initially lie regarding my age in order to get a date, but where does that leave me? Starting a connection with someone being a person I am not…but it is tempting simply because men see age 59 and wow! misjudgements about who I am & what I can bring to a relationship stop anyone I would authentically connect with from contacting me. The only ones contacting me are men in their 60s or 70s, which is not a bad thing but I know we wouldn’t connect. It’s difficult to try and find someone that really ‘gets’ who you are especially as we get older. I’m pretty much resigned to living my life without a partner. I have had that experience, I have two grown wonderful children and great friends. Meeting someone compatible…I’m open to it — but I’m realistic too.

By: Ruby Thursday

Ruby Thursday — Sun, 03 Feb 2013 21:32:47 +0000

@Tony Welton #57
Why are you saying women in their 30′s/40′s (and younger men) have a hard time getting a date when this Original Post is a letter from a 56 year old man who couldn’t get a date? According to you, everybody (younger men, younger women, and older women) has a hard time getting a date excpet for older men.Try to take Evan’s words to heart while you’re here : Stop the fantasies. You are another older man posting silly fantasies and delusions.

By: jay says

jay says — Sun, 02 Dec 2012 19:03:03 +0000

well as for me, i am a straight man that had been married at one time. i was a very caring and loving husband, and never mistreated her in anyway. she cheated on me with a guy who is 22years older than her, and i am only 10years older than her now. now you may think that this guy has much more money than me, but he don’t. she just turned out to be very trashy, and had i know that in the first place i obviously would have never bothered with her at all and never would have married her. since i am now in my late fifties, i need to meet a woman my age. as far as online dating goes, it is very hard to meet a good woman on there since many of them lie so much.

By: Ellen

Ellen — Sat, 27 Oct 2012 01:20:30 +0000

thank you Kathleen 121! I love your posts too.

For the record I spent very little time on that cougar site, but did meet a handsome, fun, compatible and artistic two-yrs. -long fwb there, so it delivered. I would never do a fwb again, but it kept me out of trouble I guess. lol

Maybe we should all meet up at the Algonquin Hotel in NYC one day and meet in person. Thats where NYC`s most famous writers once met to knock back a few (like Dorothy Parker
). As we are all decent writers and above average thinkers , it seems appropriate, but maybe I flatter myself! lol

By: Selena

Selena — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 20:27:52 +0000

@ Goldie #117

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and insights. You are one of my favorite commenters in this forum, and I really appreciate you taking the time to ‘splain to me in detail your thoughts. Thank you Goldie.

By: Ruby

Ruby — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 18:14:51 +0000

Kathleen #119

“What I do notice is that a high percentage of men in my age group of 50 and up have never been married and seem not to have sustained a longer term relationship. I do believe some of these guys don’t attach or get close emotionally to people and I can usually determine the indicators of this early on so I don’t invest much time in them.”

I agree with you. I tried dating one of these guys once, and it was a disaster. He had a lot of great qualities, but while he could get physically close, he had problems attaching emotionally, and finally admitted that he had issues (read: screwed up) regarding that. I consulted a well-known relationship adviser (not Evan), who actually told me that these men were difficult and commitment-phobic. I’m not saying that it can never work, but you have to examine their relationship history VERY carefully.