I understand the point you’re trying to make, but I don’t entirely agree with it.

My relationship with my parents fell apart 15 years ago. While it has improved in recent years (we now occaisonally email each other), we’re not close. I don’t care what they think about my fiancée.

People like me may be a minority, but I’m not a unique example.

But regardless of a person’s situation with their immediate family, healthy people surround themselves with some sort of support network (friends, church members, colleagues, etc). In any serious relationship, both people will try to introduce and integrate their partner into that network.

I’ve heard people in my situation refer to their extended support network as their “family of choice.”

In my opinion, the statement you made about “Family” applies to the broader support network (the family of choice), regardless of whether a person’s family is part of that network.

I don’t mean to offend anyone, but to those who are not Asians or who are not a member of a cultural tribe, please do not give us the “Don’t blame the culture” advice. It is really not as easy as it looks on our end.

One thing is for sure though. As adults, we define our own meaning of ‘happiness’. Much like the sender of this letter, I think she feels that it would have been a lot easier if she didn’t have to give up one or the other because of her culture.

So she kept her relationship hidden for a long time.  All the while, this inner turmoil was building up inside of her.  She didn’t want to hide this from her parents.  She loved him.  She wanted him to be a part of her family, to be accepted.  She wanted them to see what she saw.  She was scared that someone would shut her out for her choice.  She didn’t know who that would be.

My friend and I had numerous discussions regarding this topic.  Her struggle with maintaining her family’s love and respect all the while dating someone they did not approve of all because he wasn’t Indian was getting to her.  Her boyfriend was struggling as well.  He had introduced her to his family, and they loved her.  However, he can’t see her family.  He felt shut out and rejected by some of the most important people in my friend’s life.

I told her, in the end, that I know her family.  I know how her parents feel, and I know how much they love her.  I told her that they would be very angry.  VERY ANGRY.  I also told her that if they loved her, they would find a way to love him, too.

So one day, she built up the courage and told her parents.  Her mother threatened her.  She yelled at her.  She told her she had to pack up and move out of the house immediately.  She said she didn’t care if she was homeless.  She didn’t want her there.

My friend called me, crying.  She didn’t know what to do.  She told me what happened.  She said she tried to explain this to her mother.  She wanted her mother to simply understand, but she refused.  She said she had to pack and leave.  She didn’t know where to go.  She was afraid to tell her boyfriend because she didn’t want him to get upset.

I reassured her of my conclusion.  I told her that her mother would get over it.  I told her not to pack.  Confront your mother.  Tell her that he means the world to you.  Tell her this is how it will be and to accept it.  I told her, “THIS IS YOUR LIFE.  THIS IS YOUR HEART.  THIS IS YOUR CHOICE.”

She told her mother these things.  She didn’t pack.  A month went by where her mother berated her for being stupid and insensitive to the family.  She took it.  Second month, no talking.

Third month, the family agreed to meet the boyfriend.  Her mother never threw her out of the house.  Her family did not abandon her.  Her family thought her boyfriend was a nice guy.  They have had several meetups together.

The moral of this story is exactly what you are looking to find.  Written by a half-Asian, half-Caucasian American about an Indian-American friend.  If your family truly loves you and cares for you, they will learn to accept your choice.  They will know that losing you is a far greater loss than losing a potential Indian-American son-in-law.

You need the courage.  You need the strength.  You have the heart.  My friend needed these things.  She was scared and apprehensive.  I promise you this.

I also promise you that not a day goes by that she isn’t proud of her decision.  Do you know why?

The greatest things in life are never easy to come by.  If you truly love him, you will take the risk for him.  You WILL take the leap of faith – in your family and in your heart.

Simply because you love him.  And that’s what matters.

I wish you the best of luck. – Yuri

While that is true, that there are folks who “can” make it work, interfaith or inter-culture, alot of times it really doesn’t work out.

I had enough experiences of that (dating Christian men who were really worse than guys who didn’t bother with church) to where I finally learned to go look, you keep fishing in that pond and pull up nothing but stinkers.  STOP fishing in that pond. 

That is what I mean by sticking to my kind.  I look for people who are like-minded to me, are not into religion.

Your comment about how you can’t assume that your spouse is going to have your back, is entirely true.  I’d hoped that my ex husband and my momma’s boy ex boyfriend, would have had my back too.  But no. 

I had to learn that you must always look out for yourself first, never assume.  More than likely that spouse is going to side with the family, before you.  But that’s fair enough, my family hates my ex husband too and made it really clear that if he ever came near me again, my Dad would ensure that the guy never would make the same mistake twice.

I now stick to my own kind and won’t venture out again.  Einstein’s definition of insanity states that it is trying the same thing repeatedly, yet each time expecting a different result.  So I’ll stick to sanity.