How Do I Finally Let Go Of My Ex For Good?
Evan, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years and I’m a big fan. Your advice has helped me make a lot of changes about how I view things. But I’m stuck. I hope you can help.
I have a great boyfriend who does all the important things right. He’s funny, smart, kind, dependable, loyal, trustworthy, crazy about me, and fun to be with. He’s a good person. I love him. I’ve been dating him for four years but I’m still mentally and emotionally stuck on my ex way more than I should be, since we broke up more than 5 years ago. The ex was the classic charismatic, unavailable alpha male now but there was a time when we had a real relationship. Every time we tried to get back together after the breakup, he disappeared and hurt me, but I am still stuck on him. The euphoria I experienced with him has never been present with my current boyfriend.
I have tried therapy and self-help books and blocking his phone number. I know love is a choice. But do you have any tips on how I can make real progress towards letting go, once and for all? Any practical advice for me? I think I’m doing everything I can but maybe I’m missing something. From time to time, memories of the ex flood over me and it makes it hard to give my boyfriend the love he deserves. Is that normal? What should I do? –Jennifer
Jennifer,
Do I have any tips on how to make real progress towards letting go?
Hmmm. Let me think about that one out loud for a second…
You’re dabbling in some revisionist history, thinking that somehow, magically, you’re going to get all the good stuff from your ex, without any of the bad stuff.
Do I have any tips that would prevent you from holding your hand on a hot stove?
Do I have any tips that would prevent you from taking up heroin?
Do I have any tips that would prevent you from jumping out of a plane without a parachute?
Sorry, but, to me, that’s what your question sounds like.
The fact that you’re even considering trading the “funny, smart, kind, dependable, loyal, trustworthy, fun, crazy-about-you” guy for the “charismatic, unavailable alpha male” who broke up with you multiple times is the kind of thing that makes me want to punch a hole in my wall.
You know it. I know it. And yet you still feel what you feel.
You want another hit of the heroin, because you never felt so high in your life. How can you get that feeling without the downside?
You can’t.
And if you want to really kick this ex to the curb like a bad habit, instead of thinking of how great you felt when things were good, how about you focus how bad you felt when things were bad.
The times he lied to you.
The times he insulted you.
The times he cheated on you.
The times he didn’t want to listen to you.
The times he broke up with you.
The times he hurt you.
Because right now, you’re dabbling in some revisionist history, thinking that somehow, magically, you’re going to get all the good stuff from your ex, without any of the bad stuff.
Uh uh.
No matter what woman that guy meets, he’s going to cause a wide swath of destruction like Sherman did in the South.
The reason to not touch the hot stove is because you’ll get burned.
The reason to not try heroin is because you’ll get hooked.
The reason to not jump from a plane without a chute is because you’ll die.
Nothing good comes out of the thrill. It’s all downside.
Your ex-boyfriend is all downside, Jennifer.
And your current boyfriend deserves someone who appreciates how great he is, not someone who pines for a man who treats her worse.
Get your shit together or let your boyfriend go.
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72 Comments »Filed Under Chemistry, Dating, Relationships
Flower White 1
Hi I am very curious are you still in therapy?
Think about all the bad stuff that he did. Think about if a man was doing that to your Mother, sister, daughter or beloved friend. What would you tell them?
Sure, I miss my alcoholic ex. When he wasn’t going from 0 to 60 in a minute, he was drinking to the point of 3x weekly. Still, after dumping him, I missed that mean rude sucker like the desert misses the rain…what really helped was thinking of all the crap he did. Hope this helps.
Angie 2
Two things:
(a) Maybe your current boyfriend, for all his wonderful qualities, isn’t a good match for you.
(b) FIVE years?!?! Jennifer, this is a long time to not be able to get over someone. I do think some people thrive in high drama situations (actually, idk if “thrive” is a good word choice, but they feel more alive). I don’t really think “euphoria” is an everyday relationship feeling. It’s an addict feeling. Love is meant to feel warm and safe, not high.
Can you take up some extreme hobby and get your adrenaline rush from sky-diving instead of romance? Also, you should read “The 5 Love Languages”. It will help you determine how you interpret love. Perhaps you need your boyfriend to be more demonstrative in a certain way, but perhaps you are just not that into your boyfriend. Is he a 4-year rebound???
Falling in love again is often the cure for a broken heart, but you also need to consciously close the door on that relationship yourself. Besides evaluating your current boyfriend, I’d also consider finding a new therapist! What is this one doing?!
nathan 3
Evan’s right. You’re not really stuck on “him,” you’re stuck on the emotional /sexual highs that you experienced with him. It’s sounds to me like the “real” relationship is what you are in right now, and it would be such a shame to toss that overboard for some guy who can give you a fleeting boost, but little else.
One thing you might try is this: whenever those passion-filled memories appear, just sit with them, watching and feeling without reaction. Don’t make up any more stories. Don’t try and sooth the longing. Just watch and let it move through you. Because it will pass. And the more you practice this, the less intense those memories should become. If you want to, you can also say to yourself “I let you go. May you be well” during this process. I did this daily for over six months with one Ex, and while memories of her still appear from time to time, they don’t influence how I act while dating any longer.
Jane 4
I don’t think this woman is suggesting that she wants to get back with her ex, she just wants to get him out of her head so she can fully focus on her current relationship. The amount of time it takes individuals to move on emotionally from a past relationship varies widely from person to person. For some, it takes a few months, for others it can take years. i can sympathize with Jennifer because I tend to hold on for a very long time, not by choice but because despite my best efforts, that past relationship has a grip on my soul. With enough time it eventually fades. I had a terrible break up with a fiancé once. It took me a good decade to completely shake the emotional hold that relationship had on me. But i never once considered getting back with him. Hang in there Jennifer, whether you stay with your new boyfriend or not, you will ultimately be able to let go of that other guy, and find that you have learned a great deal in the interim.
Lance 5
I think you are selfish or maybe just self obsessed. Try getting a pet, raising a family, taking up gardening, doing meaningless volunteer work at some charity, writing a check.
Hmmmmm 6
I agree with both points that Angie made in (2).
The OP obviously needs to figure out how to get past the ex. She said in the letter “I have tried therapy and self-help books and blocking his phone number…” Blocking his phone number? Why would you have to block the phone number unless he’s continuing to try to be a part of her life? If so, she needs to cut off ALL contact and let him know in no uncertain terms that she doesn’t want any contact with him at all. That means they can’t be “Facebook friends” or have coffee every once in awhile or whatever else is keeping them tied together.
But more importantly, I have to believe the boyfriend she has now is not right for her. He may be loving and kind…whatever. There are many loving and kind men that are not the RIGHT men for her. The relationship doesn’t appear to be fulfilling her needs. After four years it seems its time to figure out why or get out.
Dan 7
Having been on the dating circuit for some time now, I am actually surprised (and disappointed) at the large number or woman (and men) who still can’t get over an ex after 2, 3, 5 or 10 years after the relationship ended!
I have dated these women, and I know some of these men as my friends. Years later, these people have been in and out of relationships. The relationships failed because they are not over the ex or there is still baggage from the ex.
In dating such women, this has hurt me too. Nowadays, if I see this sign, I cut bait, which is surprisingly often among the mid-30′s crowd and above.
I don’t hold anything against anyone who is not over their ex. I just wish they would figure their s&^% out, and get over it. please, just don’t date anyone as a part of their therapy because that will hurt one more person.
Laurie 8
Well said, Evan, and as strongly worded as the situation calls for. Jennifer’s current BF deserves a woman who appreciates him. Right here right now.
Ray 9
Unfortunately, alot of people associate the ‘highs’ with ‘love’
Evan hit the nail on the head with the association to heroin. I think our culture kind of supports this version of ‘love’ too. The kind that gives you that ‘rush’… rather than the peaceful, comfortable feeling one develops with someone they truly trust, respect, and admire… and who offers the ACTIONS of love. Not just the ‘feelings’ of ‘love’.
Sometimes it does take some painful self-reflection and therapy to understand how our early childhood experiences shaped what we view as ‘loving’ behavior.
I also wonder if this isn’t just another form of commitment phobia. Someone comes along who does all the right things, and the OP can’t take the final step herself of opening up to him. Maybe the past BF is just the excuse of the day to keep herself from emotionally investing??
Very sad… although it is something we’ve probably all done at some point in our lives.
agreeneyedchica 10
Jennifer…
I think that you’re not into either one of them. I think that you love all those great qualities that you have with your current boyfriend, but you miss the chemistry you had with your last boyfriend. I don’t believe that you have to choose between chemistry and a good person, I believe that the right person for you will have all the important things that you desire. Having feelings for your ex doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to be back with him, and it doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate your current boyfriend. But, it does mean that you’re missing something that you need and continuing to ignore it is unfair to both you and your current boyfriend.
Michelle 11
I believe Nathan’s response is right on, the whole thing.
I had a relationship where I feel in love hard with a man I had incredible chemistry with (love/chemistry at first sight)–and he NEVER treated me badely, great guy and always honest. He just wasn’t in the same place I was in regard to what I wanted, or maybe he wasn’t as into me as I thought he was, who knows. It took me a year to get over him…to add insult to injury, I compared how I felt about him to every other man I dated since then. This includes the man I’m in a relationship with now.
That doesn’t make me in need of therapy or that I have to break up with the man I’m dating now. It means I need to remind myself that relationship taught me a lot, that it was a very sweet time in my life, we brought a lot of pleasure to each other’s lives, it was a unique relationship not ever to be exactly duplicated, and most importantly, if it was meant to be, we would be together now. I think a mature person can have feelings about a past experience, reflect and contemplate, and then come back to reality, without feeling badly or guilty.
Daphne 12
@Michelle, maybe you and the guy who you had such a great relationship w was the right guy for you. Have you tried getting back together w him ?
Leesa 13
evan, you are so funny. i can relate to jennifer. i am still pinning over my last boyfriend who was an alpha male (he took off with another chick 8 months ago whom he met at the pub while i was away). i have to ask myself every day what is it that i miss so much about him and then i have to remind myself to thank god every day that he’s gone and that he’s now toxic to some other poor/desperate women. he lied to me, he cheated on me, he never spent time with me, he didn’t give me anything or take my anywhere, he didn’t listen to me. i was miserable and yet i couldn’t let go (and i’m pretty, fun to be with, easy going with a masters in engineering and had other guys trying to crack onto me). so what was it that would have made me hold on for the rest of my life if he’d have me … it was the sex. it was like a drug (the ultimate high which i had to have more of even though being with him was making me soul sick – and no, i’m not a nympho). it was best i’d ever had and i thought it was a reflection of the way he felt about me. and it was all the bull$hit he said about himself which was designed to make me think he was a hero. but the sad reality was that he was obviously good in bed with all women (because he said “i’ve been told i’m good in bed”) and the bull$hitting about being a hero was to hide the fact that if i knew what he’d really done (cheated on his ex-wife, was a total as$hole to live with) etc, few women would go near him in the first place. and yet, i still miss him like crazy. it’s a very cruel wound which i’m sure comes from unmet childhood needs. i can’t help thinking that Jennifer didn’t spend enough time on her own to totally heal emotionally from her alpha male and instead, ran away from her unresolved emotional wounds by hooking up with this nice guy earlier than she should have. i could be wrong but my objective now, being in jennifer’s situation 4 years ago, is to totally get over the alpha male, going through all the crying, and pinning and the hell of heart break for as long as it takes (no matter i’m 40 and my time is running out so to speak). then i think i will be ready to really give love to another human and identify and appreciate whom has the ability to express love to me if it ever comes along again.
Flower White 14
@Lance I like how you think! Sweet and simple.
Margo 15
Evan, you’re the man! Poor Jennifer. Sex with the ex must have been out of this world!
Lorna 16
I always change the guy’s name in my phone to whatever he did to me, so that I’m never tempted to pick up the phone or text back because I’m remembering the “good times.” Like, I’ll save his name as “I Stood You Up On Christmas,” “I Lied & Said I Wasn’t Married,” “I Didn’t Call You When You Lost Your Job” or whatever offense he did. When I get a text with their horrible action, instead of their name, I have the strength to never answer.
Diana 17
She needs some serious therapy. I was recently contacted by a guy I dated for two years. The relationship ended about six years ago. He is trying to squirm his way back in, but thanks to Evan’s blog and my current beau’s kindness, trust, and love, I told him firmly not to contact me again. That is what women do when they truly love the man they are with-they forsake all others. He seemed shocked that I did not care to hear from him and stated that “I should know the kind of man he is…” His statement implied that he is a good man. Because I do know the kind of man he is, I DEFINITELY do not want to experience that sickening, emotional roller coaster of a so-called relationship again. Jennifer, do yourself a favor and get as far away from the ex as you possibly can.
mellie charnalia 18
Try switching therapists (because it sounds like oyu’re having some obsessive thoughts about this, 5 years after the fact, and you need someone really good to work with you on this, if you’re not able to by pure free will, change this) & try to look into the Calling into the One course, or other in-depth readings by people who focus on clearing out old patterns, old emotional addictions, etc. It’s not about the ex–it’s about this addiction to that high that happens after someone has treated you like crap and then you get the breadcrumbs of something nice. Did you have this pattern before the ex? Perhaps even try couples counseling to figure out ways to strengthen your current relationship? As others have said, your current boyfriend deserves to have all of you. And, you deserve to be in the relationship 100%, too.
Margo 19
Lorna, good one! I have to remember that one. I’ll make it easy and just name them “Scumbag #_”. I’m currently up to Scumbag no. 22! Just kidding. Lol. Oh, and Evan, you look so hot in your current website video.
Ellen 20
Leesa you wrote: “no matter i’m 40 and my time is running out so to speak”.
Says who? I am 58, started online dating at 55, and have had something like 30 dates since then so even MY time hasn’t run out apparently. Approx. three of those men wanted to get serious btw and all but one wanted repeat dates! So I still consider myself mostly in my prime actually….. The point is it is never too late- all it takes is one as Evan says.
Also, okcupid’s blog has all these tables and charts now showing (or attempting to show) the men on their site how they NEED to expand their age ranges given the dating stats (who the young women are dating in actual fact, etc.). I can’t tell you how many men I notice who are 40 or 45 or 51 or 55 and put on their profile as their UPPER range women two years younger or at MOST a year or two older. Too many do cap the age at 50 unfortunately. Pathetic really.
If we are in reasonably good shape, we don’t really start to age in earnest til our mid-fifites from what I’ve seen either. 40 imo is the new 35 anyway! 50 the new 45 also…
I also like Dan #7′s comments. I, too, have met MANY men who weren’t over their exes. All I can think of is we are all different in how quickly we can assess/process/understand the past, heal and/or move on to another. Some people open their hearts only once or twice a lifetime and others (the people I am always in search of, seemingly) can be emotionally open/ready to love when necessary. Some also seem to harbor some unconscious need/desire to re-connect somewhere in the future with the ex and until they bury that desire for good are NO good where others are concerned.
lawyerette 21
Lorna: I’ll save his name as “I Stood You Up On Christmas,” “I Lied & Said I Wasn’t Married,” “I Didn’t Call You When You Lost Your Job”
LMAO! I used to save guys that I’d blown off as “Do Not Answer” so I would know not to answer the phone when they called again. But this is hilarious!
Ray 22
After reading some of the other posts here.. I often wonder how my parents made it all these years.
Sure, they were very attracted to each other, but that stuff dies very quickly if there is no trust or respect.
CHARACTER FIRST people… is all I can say. When I used to do online dating, I’d read profiles adnauseum talking about so-called ‘chemistry’.
Dating and relationships seem like a ‘hobby’ for some people. In the meantime, there is a whole world filled with people who have someone in their lives they can rely on most of the time… and maybe they aren’t living a romance-novel… but at the end of the day… they have the comfort of knowing that person is there for them.
I’ll take that over *&^% ‘chemistry’ any day.
Goldie 23
I’m pretty proud of my Mom on this one. Before I was born, when dinosaurs roamed the earth (lol), she turned down a hot, popular, charismatic, alpha male and went on to marry my nerdy dad. When she met the alpha guy, she was 25. He was 18. They were together for two years. He wanted to marry her, to the point where his mother came to talk to my mom once, to try and convince her to marry her son. The reason my mom gave me for not having wanted to marry her alpha was “He was the kind of guy that would cheat on his wife”. Soon after they broke up, he married one of the girls that had a crush on him (he had plenty to choose from). I went to daycare with their daughter. Guess what… he did cheat on his wife. (It’s a small town. News traveled fast.)
I wish I could say I’m as good as my mom at choosing the right men, but no. I am the kind of person that learns from her own mistakes.
Kathy 24
Jennifer,
I too had the charismatic, unique, guy with the mind-blowing sex, who, when I was with him, the world stopped and we were one. But when we were apart, not so much. I thank God repeatedly that he kicked me to the curb! Apparently, he lied to me, cheated on me and really was never as invested as I was although it took me six months to start to rap my head and heart around this. Apparently, I was in a 1.5 year relationship with myself, with the potential of the man, and not the real man. Lessoned learned. With the help of Evan and others I finally woke up to the reality of the situation–you apparently have not. Like Nathan stated above, you can experience what the realtionship was, for what it was, without letting it take hold of you. Understand you have to let go of your fantasy and move on.
Why are you pining over a man who doesn’t love you? If he did love you you’d be with him, plain and simple. If it’s been over 5 years and you’re with someone who does love you and you STILL have feelings for your “ex” then you need to seek professional therapy and let your current boyfriend go. Stop playing your “ex” to your current boyfriend. STOP IT. What you’re doing to your current boyfriend is inexcusable.
I couldn’t agree with Evan more. Get your mind right, get some self esteem and learn to love yourself first.
Peter 25
@Ray. There is something wrong here. I agree with you.
Peter 26
@Ray. I agree that long term stability does not come from feeling “in love” at first sight. First get the basics right. My basics – attitudes to trust, level of delivery of detail in promises and daily life = commitment, similar spending priorities, compatible sharing of domestic tasks (hard to tell without living together of course) etc..”In love” will follow once you’ve made the commitment and it will last longer than waiting for two years of chemistry with Mr./Ms. Desirable (who is also Mr./Ms. Desirable to everyone else). Mr./Ms. Desirable is probably hooked on endorphins themselves.
Casey 27
Lorna @16, TOO funny and absolutely brilliant!
Leeza, you may think your time is running out at 40 but trust me…if you are dating at 50 something you will have a whole new view of how young 40 really is and how many opportunities there still are!!
m 28
” I wish I could say I’m as good as my mom at choosing the right men, but no. I am the kind of person that learns from her own mistakes. ”
@ Goldie 23 – LOL.
Is your mom giving man-picking lessons? Because I would sign up to hear whatever she has to tell me.
(A holiday hint to any ladies who would like it — just because you learn from the gurus who scream “Be More Approachable!”, and more men, and more, and numerous more during the holidays, come up and approach — do know that all that means is that the time you spend on Weed-Out Duty is going to increase exponentially. So do prepare for that. Perhaps more gym time and vitamins. Le sigh.)
m 29
I also think Lorna and lawyerette have the right idea.
Jennifer 30
(not the letter writer)
Nathan, I think your advice was extremely helpful.
starthrower68 31
It helps to have an ability to detach. Of course that is a double-edge sword because it makes it difficult for me to be fully present and engaged with someone. But I can shut down an attraction or “feelings” for someone in a hot minute if I need to.
Sarahrahrah! 32
Shite, yeah! You are *on fire* with this one, Katz.
Jennifer, I’ve been there, girlfriend. If you are still struggling with this, I highly recommend a 12-step group such as sex and love anonymous. Please don’t take it as an insult…. it can help us detach from those “highs” we find in unhealthy love that give us more dopamine rushes than heroine, but cost us dearly in our personal lives. I’ve been there and I can tell you that it is possible to break free. Good luck to you and keep on reading EMK!
Leesa 33
Ellen (20): i guess i meant my time is running out because i’m 40 and would like to have children. i haven’t had children yet. that’s all.
but i would like to ask evan or another reader of this article their opinion about a guy like the ex jennifer still pines over. you know how evan said “no matter who that guy meets, he’s going to cause a wide swath of destruction”. well, what if that guy meets some wonderful women like evan’s wife? would he still behave like a yobbo or would he settle down and become honest and faithful because of the love of a good women?
Greg 34
@Leesa
To answer your question he will still be an idiot. Men who are train wrecks and can’t commit do not change just because they meet a good woman. Men like the ex that Jennifer pines over are usually disasters in all aspects of their lives. Narcissist’s don’t magically change in my experience. Some act like adolescents and demand instant gratification at all times. I’ve had female friends who married these knuckleheads, including some who were former cheaters. My female friends are good women, but naive and ignored the warnings. Of course they are all without exception divorced now. The men cheated or got bored and wanted a new challenge.
A smart woman like Evan’s wife doesn’t even waste time with such morons. You shouldn’t either. And please stop hoping that you can change them. You can’t. Also there’s no need to make excuses for them. I’ve broken up with women before. But I didn’t cheat, use them for sex or lie to them. Once things weren’t going to work I stopped wasting their time and moved on because I cared about them. Narcissist’s only care about themselves. Yet some women find such narcissistic behavior to be sexy and powerful. The conflicted relationship with such jerks creates a strong emotional response that some women have trouble moving past.
Leesa 35
hi greg, thank you for your detailed reply. i really appreciate it. i guess the problem is that in my case, and probably in jennifer’s, i didn’t know he was lying, cheating and using me for sex. i just trusted everything he said to me, until things really started to get fishy and i checked his story (and i thought i was lovable). i’m wondering if other women like me feel sorry for these guys (the guy i pine over made out he was a hard done by hero). i wonder if other women (including jennifer) can relate to the fact that they tell us about their disturbed childhood but how they’ve made good of themselves. but in actual fact, the thing it would seem that they’ve learnt from their disturbed childhoods is how to lye, manipulate and use women ruthlessly. the reason i mention this is because i met another women whom had been cheated on and that guy had also told her he’d had a crap childhood but had made good of himself. it is true greg, that because of the crap that the last guy put me through, i feel like i’m now very soul sick and it’s been very hard to get over (i’m still crying almost every day after 8 months). but evan’s website has helped me understand all of the behaviour i saw in him and slowly it’s helped me to come to accept the type of person he really was. i’m surprised it hasn’t helped jennifer in the same way – i.e. to help her thank god every day that that yobbo is gone and she’s lucky enough to have found somebody who can show real love to her. god know’s it’s hard to meet a guy who really wants to love a women without just wanting to use her.
Androgynous 36
Jennifer, you are an adrenaline junkie. You get off on the “highs” of stress and why not ? we humans have been engineered to thrive off stress, to perform better under stress and to get a high off stress as a result of living in a highly stressful environment for thousands of years – starvation or sabre tooth tigers anyone ? Stress makes our senses more acute, sex more satisfying, our bodies more responsive etc etc etc. If we lived in a happy stress free world, people like you would have to create the dramas and stress that your bodies need to feed off. You thrive on the stress your ex boyfriend gave you. My advice ? go sky diving, go cage diving with sharks or maybe even join the military or police force where you have to shoot at bad guys instead of having to live with one. If you like your bad guys, get into gunfights with them, go hand to hand combat with them, lock them up but please don’t end up in a domestic situation with them. After you have done all these exciting things, come back home to your good loving stress free boyfriend and enjoy his back rub and foot massage.
Saint Stephen 37
Hey Androgynous!
What sort of advice is that?
Lily 38
I completely sympathize with Jennifer who can’t get over her ex. I was with a man for 8 years. I thought we were fabulous together. Then he abruptly broke up with me one night after I had fixed us dinner. He said “From here on in, let’s just be friends.” That is all the information he gave me. It has been 1 1/2 years and I still miss him and, probably, the fantasy of what I thought we had. IF it was so great, why would he leave? As Evan says, the dissappearing guy sucks. Simple. But it does take AWARENESS of what the relationship REALLY was like and not just your fantasy of what you THOUGHT it was. Communication is key. Any man who blind sides a woman with a sudden breakup is completely unable to communicate and for this reason alone, you should consider yourself lucky that you dodged a bullet. A man who cannot communicate OR commit is a man who should be left. It has taken me this long to realize he did me a favor.
Leesa 39
@Lily, i’m sorry to hear that you wasted 8 years with a guy. i would have thought that wasting 8 years of your life with him means that you actually copped the bullet squarely between the eyes. but then, at least you didn’t waste 20 years. but i wanted to ask somebody a question, based upon what greg replied to me and based upon what i’ve asked my neighbours etc. so, greg and evan said that guys like jennifer’s ex will always cause problems to women. (i’m not criticising evan, i’m just trying to get my question accross with what i write next) but evan has said before in other blogs that he had an “out of town girl” where they were hot and steamy while she was in town and then he didn’t care about her when she left. and then in another blog he said how he used to keep a women whom he wasn’t that into on the hook until something better came along. he says he’s a relationship orientated guy (a good catch) but in those blogs he’s what amounts to leading on those women and using them for sex (while they thought he really liked them). so how is the guy that jennifer’s pining over different from this? the guy i pine over was married for 15 years and stayed with his wife because of the 3 kids they had together. somebody told me that sometimes when guys get hooked up young (he was 20 when they hooked up) and they stay for the kids, they cheat (like i found out he did on his wife (but he told me he didn’t)). could it be that jennifer’s and my previous alpha male thought they were into us but were never ”comfortable” with us. so because we did things that made them feel bad, they would dump us and then feel remorse so try to get us back. but then when some women better came along, they realised that it was just the way we were that was making them feel so uncomfortable (like evan said, he disappeared because women didn’t make him feel good) and with the new women they’ve found, they feel really good with her because she’s better than we were to him so he realised he was settling with us and with the new women, he realises how good it could be. so in my case he was unstable with me but could he be stable with the new/better women, that in my case, he left me for? even evan, who is a relationship orientated guy admits to “trading up” when something better came along. so what makes jennifer’s ex a potential tool to every women he meets? is it that he was breaking up and then coming back to her? since even relationship orientated guys can lie and use women for sex. thanks for the comments in advance.
Leesa 40
hi, sorry i just wanted to clarify what evan said in his other blogs exactly .. since the way i said it isn’t exactly correct. in september 2007 … in one of his blogs, he said: i’ve dated people who i liked but didn’t want to lose, but went out to parties, seeing if i could trade up. and the other comment i made about having a hot weekend but not being keen to persue it as she wanted to was in the blog article entitled: ”why wouldn’t a man call me if we had a great weekend together”.
Rhiann 41
I had my fair share of trying to let go of my ex. The 1st ex, it took me about 5 years to get over it before i started a new relationship. The 2nd ex, it took me about… well, I wasn’t sure yet if I had fully get over him. It took me about half year before I started dating once again. While I’m with my current boyfriend, I will occasionally think about him. Being with my current boyfriend, he meets my core needs. Comparing him & and my ex, I prefer to be with him. My ex will occasionally text or call, I tell myself not to respond to it. Bearing in mind that, I shall not allow the same man to have any chance to hurt me again. I focus on my current boyfriend. Whenever I have the tendency to think about my ex, I’ll myself “No Point”. Of course, I have the needed support from my friends as well.
Lily 42
Leesa, I see your point, but my 8 year relationship did meet many of my needs. I always thought we would be together forever, he was married twice and was gun shy. Of course now I know better. Within the first 2 years if he hasn’t made a solid, real committment to me, I will walk away from him. I regret not giving him an ultimatum, and if he broke up with me then, at least I would know his truth. Evan has helped me realize how important it is to maintain high self esteem in any relationship and to always have walking power if the man is not treating you as if you are THE ONE. I realize a man will take his cue from me. If I EXPECT good treatment, and committment, I will get it, because if not from him, then from the next guy who I meet after breaking up with, and getting well over, the disappearing guy. Who, as Evan reminds us, sucks.
Sam 43
Sheesh. Tough crowd here. As someone who also been on a long, arduous journey to stay away from a verbally abusive man with whom I also share a very deep emotional and physical connection … I can tell you it’s not the healed self that remains drawn to him. It is the wounded self, that sustained very similar abuse as a child. So the compulsion (chemistry/attraction/karma/etc.) towards that type of “love” is just there. I didn’t intentionally put it there. Beating myself up for desiring a man who verbally berates me, seems to only lock the whole nasty system in place.
I believe that as long as I keep my compass focused to being in a kind, compassionate relationship I will get there.
In the meantime, shaming statements such as, “get your shit together, or else… ” do nothing more than perpetuate painful feelings and low self-esteem issues. Just another P.O.V.
Lily 44
It’s true we often have a “hook” from childhood that makes us feel attracted to a man who might be aloof and witholding. It takes awareness of this negative pattern to be able to break it and finally be with a healthy man who appreciates you and does not withold affection and committment. I really like Evan’s down home approach to this issue. You get the kind of relationship you put up with.
Ron Diggity 45
While I totally agree with Evan, I can’t wonder if we are all being too hard on the OP. Perhaps it’s biology that makes women yearn to be treated like dog crap, while dumping on guys who treat them well. Certainly is common enough of a flaw that it can’t be ignored
Leesa 46
hi lily and sam. i definitely have unresolved childhood wounds which i mentioned above which i think made me crazy about this last guy. it’s so painful. but i’m hoping all the crying i’ve done in the last 8.5 months and for however much longer i cry for will help heal this deep emotional wound and help me see more clearly in the future with regards to men. also, actually, i have been massaging my abdominal area (and diaphram etc) at the suggestion of my massage therapist and it has helped relieve some of the emotional pain … at least temporarily. but the thoughts are still persistent and i still cry every day. i really think after my experience, i’ll never put myself in a position with a guy like that again. personally i was very naive, even at 40. i don’t remember previously coming accross such a manipulative liar and user … he was very good. but i did put up with behaviour which didn’t feel right because i identified his emotional struggles and i thought i was being loving, patient and compassionate … like i said, i felt sorry for the hard done by hero. but now i feel like i’ve seen it all and i will watch and listen very closely to any guy who comes near me whom i’m actually attracted to in the future and get to know them really well (for months) before getting physical with them - if that’s still an option after that time. i don’t know about you guys, but for me, men are very few and far between and the ones who do come along are undesireable (uncharismatic selfish users). it’s the charismatic, selfish user i fell for hook line and sinker. actually, i am one of those types … pretty, smart and strong. i’ve been an overachiever all my life. and i have extremely low self esteem. i can’t help thinking that their’s a relationship between being seriously driven, being attracted to ba$tards and having unresolved childhood issues.
ofwdating 47
totally agree with you evan, hearing jennifer’s question a little dumb. but the moving on part… ahm i don’t strongly suggest that focusing on the bad memories would be right. i mean, somehow the guy has been a great part of jen’s life and even though it turned out bad doesn’t mean you have to hate him to forget. -jen, i say just be grateful for what you have shared when you were together and period. try to move on the right way, focus on your current boyfriend and when for longer time, you still can’t move on from your ex, maybe you aren’t just ready to have a boyfriend at the moment. i don’t think he well deserves someone who’s with him and still not forget the feeling she had with her ex.
Greg 48
Hey Leesa,
I can relate to your pain. Many of my female friends who have confided in me have felt the same way you do. One thing I found interesting is that many of these men play on the empathy of good women and tell them the same stories of troubled pasts to receive pity. It’s a manipulation technique. I’ve heard the troubled childhood story, the terrible ex-girlfriend or wife excuse and the close family member friend dying story. Sometimes its a combination of all three.
My best advice would be to stop trying to figure out why your EX is the way he is. Guys like him don’t make any sense. You will have to accept the fact that he’s the way he is because he’s an idiot. Trying to figure out what makes him tick is as useless as trying to pick the brain of a serial killer. You will NEVER understand or find a satisfactory explanation.The more you think about it, the more he will be on your mind and the harder it will be to move on.
The jerk didn’t treat you bad because you’re unlovable. Don’t take it personally. For some of my friends the rejection and crap treatment validated how they felt about themselves. They felt unlovable and their crap relationship confirmed this. Some continued to battle for the affections of these idiots to “win” and prove how great they really were. Sometimes they would temporarily “win” and get the guy to return and treat them nice. However, they would always ended up “losing” eventually and feeling worse about themselves after each “defeat.”
No matter how nice you were it wouldn’t have mattered. Find someone who appreciates you. Follow the advice on the blog and always work on being the best woman you can be. There is someone out there who will love you.
Leesa 49
hi greg, thank you so much for your advice. my mouth dropped to the floor when i read: “the close family member dying story”. i remember that he did mention an incident like this. i did judge him in the beginning for being a workaholic but having no money, and being wary because he told me he’d drunk heavily most of his life and his kids wanted little to do with him. but the reasons he gave were all quite reasonable and i never saw him drink that much around me. but i concluded that judging him made him feel on edge and uncomfortable around me, which is understandable. then i stopped judging him (even my mum was impressed with how accepting i was of him) but it was like he never got over that and i thought that’s what made him unstable with me. like he was always expecting criticism and so always defensive and uneasy around me. and i beat the $hit out of myself every day for not being more like evan’s wife in the beginning.
but on the other hand, i have never had a guy behave so unstable around me before. and my three closest friends are guys who say i’m cool as (i asked them to tell me the truth about myself). and my brother who’s been with his wife for 15 years (and she is a shocker) and who is unhappy in his marriage doesn’t go to the pub or lie or cheat on his wife. had i been like evan’s wife with this guy in the beginning, and then he still behaved like this, then i guess i wouldn’t be trying to figure out … how much of it was just him and how much of it was his reaction to me being judgemental of him in the beginning. i guess i’ve thought that if i was more like evan’s wife in the beginning, he would have been more loving, faithful and stable. but i also think that if the behaviour i saw is the way he deals with stuff, then maybe i could have been perfect and it would have just made it easier for him to lie and cheat and use me for longer. anyways, thanks again so much for your comments.
Greg 50
No problem Leesa. And when Evan talks about not being judgmental, he’s talking about not getting bent out of shape that your man likes to watch lots of football, can’t dress well or is a bit messy around the house. Drinking problems are not something anyone should accept. The same goes for addictions, violence, cheating, lying, severe financial ruin etc. You have to stand up for what is right.
You sound so much like three of my friends. They are such cool, caring and loving women and I’ve always enjoyed their company. However, they fell for men like your EX, and boy was it hard for them to move on. One still hasn’t. Trust me, it is not your fault that your EX is a moron. You’re a great woman I’m sure. Get some therapy if needed to help you move on. I know you will find someone who loves you and treats you right.
Leesa 51
hi greg, i’m not sure if you’ll read this again but i was thinking about what you were saying. i’m not asking you to comment but rather just making extra thoughts out aloud. and would you believe, i’ve been getting intense therapy for the whole time. i tell you, unfortunately, no reasoning seems to take the pain away. so i guess it’s just a time thing. but i do find myself still trying to reason and work it all out. i can think that maybe i was too judgemental, because although he did lie to me and he did all the player moves (actually, he told me he had a bad childhood, an ex wife who cheated on him and he had a friend who commited suicide), maybe although he drank heavily, he wasn’t an alcoholic, maybe he worked his a$s off because his ex wife got everything and he was trying to rebuild himself financially, maybe he was always grumpy with his 3 kids because he was tired from working his a$s off. because now i see that this chick he took off with moved in with him 4 months after they hooked up and she has two kids and now they’ve been together for 8.5 months. so i can’t imagine he’s so unstable with her that he’s breaking up with her and coming back every other day (but i also heard that he works away for a month at a time now). i think that she’s only 31, and she probably didn’t jump to negative conclusions about him being a workaholic/alcoholic like i did. she didn’t judge him, she just supported him – he told me “she understands me”. like evan says about his wife: she’s easy and she accepts him as he is and doesn’t judge him. and maybe i was a rebound for him because he’d been broken up less than a year with his wife when we met so he just wasn’t ready and reacted negatively to me because he wasn’t in a place to give love back (like evan says in one of his posts about people who get out of long term relationships). so i guess that’s why i beat myself up. because it’s easy to focus on all the crap he did, but there’s also the other way to look at it as i have just presented. had i read evan’s website prior to meeting him, i would have tried to ignore my strong attraction, i would have been able to identify the red flags, and at best been friends with him and developed a level of mutual respect and trust for one and another. the thing is, that i was married about 8 years ago. and my ex-husband who is the smartest guy i’ve ever known, used to get the $hits with me because i didn’t make any decisions … i let him take control of our lives and supported whatever he wanted to do etc (i gave up some pretty spectacular opportunities to support what he wanted to do). so then now when i tried to take an active role in the decision making with this last guy, he freaks out because he’s not in control, i’m questioning his judgement, i’m not supporting his decisions entirely but rather presenting a different option for him to consider which he thinks makes him look dumb and i don’t respect his decisions or judgement. i guess at the end of the day, i come back to how he deals with other people when things aren’t going his way … chronic lying, anger, using. no respect for other people (since he was still bonking me until i found out about her then i put an instant stop to that and went into total emotional meltdown). i guess you could say that i did it to myself because i dove in without getting to know him first. but chemistry did prevail and i didn’t know how to identify the warning signs. there are a couple of things which i have learnt from this experience. like i said, all the shedding of deep emotional pain has made me feel more emotionally stable myself, i feel that i have the ability to love myself and other people better than i did before i met him, evan’s website helps me feel not as afraid about being unknowingly used and heartbroken in the future. before i found his website, i was afraid that in the future, i’d still have trouble trying to figure out how i could tell if a guy was genuine or not (so i never have to go through this hell again) and now i know how to better ”keep the ball in my court” so to speak. for me it comes down to respecting myself and respecting those i meet unconditionally. i think that an attitude of respect and taking an active listening role will keep me out of alot of trouble in the future.
Zann 52
Thank you, Sam #43! You hit the nail on the head. It’s more complicated than the need for the adrenaline rush, or the opiate, although I agree that it’s addictive behavior. Intimate relationships bring up old, ugly, complex drama/trauma/garbage. That’s been documented to the point of exhaustion. It’s not some psycho-babble, it’s real, and it keeps people in bad and abusive relationships.
Evan, I realize that this is a dating advice blog and not a therapy setting; and I also realize that sometimes absolute candor, just cutting through the crap and getting straight to the heart of the matter can be the best solution. But how can it possibly be helpful to someone — someone who came to you for advice — to demean her with a comment like “Get your sh*t together”?
Androgynous 53
Tyler and Zann. In defence of Evan, I think he is only responding to the information Jennifer provided about her already having gone into therapy. She would then have known if her inability to let go was connected to long standing, deep seated emotional pain or scars. Someone in this position would never describe her relationship with an abusive man as being “euphoric”. They would describe their experiences as painful and hurtful but that they couldn’t wean themselves off the pain and hurt. The way Jennifer describes her situation doesn’t strike one (even one not professionally trained) as someone who only responds emotionally to pain and hurt, since she has and does enjoy happiness and yes, love with a good man.
Ellen 54
Greg #48. Thanks for posting. Your comment/observation gave me an “aha moment” when I read it recently. SEVERAL guys I’ve dated in the past dwelled too long on past hurts, difficult childhoods and particularly “nasty” ex-wives, girlfriends early on in our relationship. Now I see what they were doing. I mean I kinda figured they were doing the “poor me” act but it never occurred to me this was their standard modus operandi with women. Their excuse for being basta*ds basically.
I have a kind face/demeanor so maybe that’s why they prey on women like me in the first place. I am always approached by street people for example. lol
Goldie 55
@ Ellen #55, Greg and others, I’ve had it happen to me too and I still don’t know what to think of it. On one hand, to use a horrible family tragedy as a pickup line is so unthinkable, I really hope that’s not something the man did to me intentionally. On the other hand, it worked on me and apparently on a number of other women as well (some of them shockingly young, attractive and otherwise out of his league). Personally I hadn’t even wanted to go on a first date, and was stalling as best I could, when he dropped the bomb via text. I remember reading it and feeling that I couldn’t say no to him anymore because of what he’d just told me. Which of course, in hindsight, is a dead wrong thought to have, because you should be able to say no to anyone. Still, I don’t want to even think about the possibility of him having done this on purpose. If I find out it’s true, I’ll just lose whatever little faith in humanity I have left. Best not dwell on it. I guess what we can learn from our experiences instead is, no matter what a guy tells you he’s been through, even if he says he just watched his whole family die in a burning house, it is still okay to say no to him if we feel he is not a good match. Just tell yourself it’s for his own benefit, and say no. He’ll have no compunction saying no to you, so go and do the same if you need to.
Greg 56
Goldie your situation rings a bell.
This is so sad. Two of my friends were approached by this one creepy loser. They both knew him already so he invited them both over. (not at the same time of course) My one friend who is has a no nonsense personality said no. She said that later on he texted her saying that his cousin had just been involved in a terrible accident and how devastated he was. She saw through his games, ignored him and he gave up.
Weeks later I found out that my other friend was hanging out with this loser. I asked her what was she smoking!! It turns out that she ignored his messages for a few days before he sent a text saying that his cousin was dying and that he was soooooo devastated. She fell for it. She’s very beautiful and way, way out of his league in the looks department. The guy looks seriously creepy, like a child molester. She told me she’s not even physically attracted to him, but he’s a master manipulator and now he won’t go away. Every time she has enough of his angry outbursts and bad behavior she cuts him off, but he begs her to come back and blames her for kicking him while he’s down. He promises to change and she always falls for it because she “cares.” It’s been a year now and the cycle continues with her and this creep. I had to cut her out of my life for now because the drama was getting pathetic.
So Goldie its very possible/likely that this was done on purpose. Even though you might not initially want to go on the date with said creep, you could very well find yourself being sucked in by a manipulative guy. It’s always OK to say no.
SS 57
Greg,
I knew a woman who always came up with a “family tragedy” to keep a boyfriend around whenever he seemed like he wanted to leave. First it was “my dad hit my mom,” or “my mom is in the hospital.” It was always conveniently around the time they had an argument and he said he was going to move on.
He had some personal issues himself, so he was drawn into this drama… but yes, I do remember this “tragedy” tactic and know for a fact some people will use it to manipulate a person into showing interest/sticking around.
Leesa 58
hi greg, oh my god, that’s exactly what my ex did to me for a year … with the angry outbursts and bad behaviour, i’d say that i couldn’t take it and he’d come crawling … telling me that he is crying out for help and i want to abandon him … acting like a lost puppy dog with droopy eyes and his tail between his legs. i realised that in my last post i was just making excuses for him (like you told me not to do) and beating myself up too much (so my mum says). and i was also thinking after that last post that that’s exactly how women stay too long with those $hitheads (apart from the addictive sex) … because it’s easy to focus on how we’re not being totally perfect and beat ourselves up and ignore their unacceptable behaviour. i imagine the same thing will happen to your poor suffering friend, the creep will end up finding somebody else and she’ll get ditched because she’s hard work. then she’ll look back and wonder why she put up with the hell for so long and have trouble getting past it. actually previous to meeting my nightmare ex, i had another guy approach me and tell me that his wife and child had died in a car accident. he was pressuring me to “put out” and even said that he didn’t want to see me unless he could touch me. he’d call me every day but rarely make the effort to come and visit me. i gave him the flick because i wasn’t attracted to him anyway … thank god. at the time, i was still naive, but looking back, after what i went through with this last idiot, i think that he was really lying about having a wife and child that died. upon reflection, my ex and him had one thing in common (and i’m wondering if other women can relate to this) … they both say they had very, very bad relationships with their mothers growing up. my ex’s mum apparently had put him in a “naughty boy’s home” when he was 12 because she couldn’t handle him (he got out when he was 15) and the other guy i’d met had been adopted and his adopted mother was very unloving and cruel towards him growing up. now, i must say that this isn’t impossible to believe although i realise that you wouldn’t know what to believe because of their degree of dishonesty. but something made them absolute units and lack of love from a mother and abandonment growing up wouldn’t be too far fetched.
Leesa 59
hi, i wanted to share with anybody who looks back on this post … i found out today that there is actually a name for the type of person who lies, manipulates and does the type of behaviour that jennifer, me and greg’s friend has experienced from a guy like evan discusses in this post. apparently they are called sociopaths. in particular, i found that if you google the name, you can find a good website which has “the profile of a sociopath” and other websites which talk about: “are you dating a sociopath”. so it seems that evan is right when he said that this type of guy (or girl) will leave a wide swath of destruction. it’s very sad really for the sociopath and anybody who falls prey to a sociopath. these websites say that it’s very difficult to tell that a sociopath is lying, which is why i guess it’s so easy to be fooled and sucked in by them. but as i, jennifer and others reflect on our experience with these guys, there are other signs which they will exhibit (apart from lying, which we can’t identify) which should be huge red flags that we shouldn’t ignore. i hope this information helps people.
LD 60
Lol…Evan, you’re freggin awesome. LOVE this reponse and LOVE reading your Blog.
Two of Us Dating 61
Good advice for people who cannot move forward from their destructive past relationships!
Jane 62
48, 49, 54, 59: One of the “red flags” of sociopaths is that they invariably have a story that they tell to play on your sympathy. Thank you, 59, for sharing what you’ve learned. I think there are many of us out there (gregarious, sympathetic, energetic caregivers) who are initially attracted to men who display the confidence and other false qualities of a sociopath. In addition to searching for clues as to someone’s character, we need to educate ourselves on the clues that give away a complete lack of empathy or integrity. They’re there, but they can be quite subtle.
Carlee 63
I am going through a similar situation. I was with my ex for 4 years and he was so in love with me in an unhealthy mannor that he controlled everything about my life and who I hung out with. He was extremely possessive and would say things like ” these are my titties and my p**** ” and was also physically abusive and I tried leaving him numerous times and he physically wouldn’t let me. It became my life and I was miserable all the time and started not caring and treating him like shit. I literally thought this
Was going to be my life forever until he fell out of love with me and broke up with me. At first I was relieved but I started missing him and his lack of interest towards me actually upset me. we would talk and see eachother
Occasionaly and it’s been a year and 1.2 since we broke up and I cry over this asshole everyday. He has made me believe everything that went wrong in the relationship was my fault and for some reason I can only think of the good times we had together and he’s able to think of all the bad. I don’t know why I’m so messed up and why I can’t move on bc a parT of me knows it wasn’t all my fault. I guess I have a hard time accepting how he thinks and feels about our relationship and how he thinks of me.
Leesa 64
hi carlee. i often come back to this post to see if other women have posted more experiences because of my own personal life changing experience which i discuss in my posts above. it’s amazing really when i think about my situation with that guy … because of his unstable behaviour, i was so miserable with him but when he finally did leave me for another women, i was so heartbroken. i think i was a lost soul. and this experience has helped me find myself. sometimes i still beat myself up for what i did wrong in the relationship but then immediately, my mum gives me a reality check and points out how he lied and manipulated her (when he’d say:i love your daughter so much, bla bla bla (even after he started shagging the other chick). so because she saw first hand what he was doing, she’s able to help me stop beating up on myself. my mistake in the relationship was accepting his bad behaviour, and taking him back (when he’d piss off and come back) because i felt sorry for his emotional suffering. but he really was just unstable and manipulative and honestly, a traumatic nightmare.
now i listen to how i feel when i’m around a guy who is trying to woo me. i listen to what they say and how they behave and if i feel bad inside when i associate with them, i give them the flick very quickly. i tell them firmly and quickly that i don’t want anything to do with them because i’m not going to be the “nice, caring, tolerant” girl anymore. i love and respect myself first, because these types of guys aren’t capable of being respectful towards women.
your ex’s thoughts and feelings are all screwed up so why would you value what a lunatic thinks of you? even though my ex is still with the chick he took off with, i feel sorry for her because i know he’s lying to her and i thank god every day he’s gone from my life forever. it does still hurt because of the love i had for the illusion of who i thought he was, but who i thought he was wasn’t who he was. the best thing now is that we are free of that toxic relationship and when can heel deeper emotional wounds if we process this suffering to it’s end and then we will be in a more emotionally stable position to choose a quality partner next time. after what i went through with that guy, i am now very clear about what i should and shouldn’t tolerate in a relationship (before i told myself i was too hard on him, i should be more understanding etc etc). just remember, like evan says: most guys are the wrong guys. unfortunately there are more bad guys out there than good. but there are good ones. i’ve just got to love and honour myself and also be willing not to settle for crap, just to have somebody. i’d rather be alone for the rest of my life (and get a dog) than suffer through a relationship with a selfish, self-seeking guy.
rls 65
Wow,
I am so happy I found this! I have met the most amazing man, we have been together for 5 months now & I have never been treated better. He’s gorgeous, reliable, loving, affectionate and shows it daily. He does things that I never ever experienced, not even when I was married or dating my X husband. He does things like goes grocery shopping, buys the items and brings them to my door. Cleans my house everytime he spends the night, I come home from work and its done! He massages me to sleep and tells me how beautiful I am, even when I feel at my ugliest. But…I have struggled for two years trying to get over a man that used me, was never around, would come in and out of my life convientely, was selfish and told me he wasn’t capable of a relationship..but is now engaged! He even called me during his current relationship begging me to be with him and denied he was seeing anyone else. At that point, I had it with his calls in the middle of the night begging me, but not around for me when I was down or needed him. I did not go, and chose to let his new girlfirend know (she ignored my email and continued with the relationship) The chemistry or emotional “high” I felt when I was with him was like no other chemistry I had felt in my whole 34 years of my life, and I have had many oppurtunities and many men in my life. That feeling has kept me in chains, although I didn’t run to him the last time I heard from him and tried despretly to move on from his chains..I have found myself stuck, thinking about him every waking moment. Thinking about what is he doing? What was it about her that he chose to have a relationship with and now marry? What did I do wrong? I was and am depriving my new wonderful man of having all of me. My new man has no idea about what I have been trying to put behind me, but I have known it is not fair to him, and not fair to myself. This blog has been so helpful!! I can now realize I was addicted to the “high”, like Evan said, the herion high. I also am trying to realize that I am the lucky one, I have a wonderful, loving man now, and there is nothing wrong with me. That the girl he is with will see the man that I saw soon enough, when the “high” wears off..and to be glad it is not me. Thank you so much!!
Toni Wilson 66
all our adult problem in relationships from our childhood, we can try going back to little girls or boys and see if anthing is familare in our life today that existed yesterday omong our parents .
Christine 67
Wow, this one really hit home. Remembering the ex, while taking the perspective of “it’s all downhill from there (the high)” is quite helpful. I still think about a breakup that occurred 2.5 years ago, and am in the final stage of grief, “acceptance”. It is a struggle sometimes, but in a moment of sadness, this article really lifted me up. Thanks.
Amaryllis 68
Christine,
I am struggling to let go also. Some of us need more time than others. I can promise you that you will come to a point where you won’t think, maybe even remember he was ever a part of your life. Be strong; keep moving on!
Elaine 69
My opinion really is biased bec I’m currently in the same situation.only the attachment to him is also Bec I saved his life two times…mmedically im a reg nurse and how I didn’t c my addiction is beyond me…his addiction actually being substances
and well I’m human and my profession shouldn’t have a bearing
im currently in a new rel’n for 3 mos now and my ex was a 3 year reln
So even tt him isn’t wise and his young children makes the situation 100% harder
i have a 6 yr old and that’s what makes me strong each day to wanna provide a solid established “normal” llife
Never will that b a possibility with my ex…
so Mabe if you and ur current partner try with cchildren you will feel differently
and let go of the ex and the euphoria u seek will b replaced with the title of
“mom”
David T 70
@Leesa
I hope you are still revisiting this thread like you said you do.
You wrote:
they are called sociopaths. ….this type of guy (or girl) will leave a wide swath of destruction. it’s very sad really for the sociopath and anybody who falls prey to a sociopath. these websites say that it’s very difficult to tell that a sociopath is lying, which is why i guess it’s so easy to be fooled and sucked in by them.
But there are many people they can’t manipulate for very long. Their greatest successes are people who are co-dependent. People who have a need to be needed. You don’t have to give up on being
the “nice, caring, tolerant” girl anymore
Keep your compassion! It is the most important thing a person has.
You don’t have to know when they are lying. You only need to recognize a pattern, and not let your wonderful compassionate quality keep you stuck in it.
It is great that you recognize the qualities in you that made you vulnerable, but if you are protecting yourself by suppressing what is a noble part of who you are, you probably still have unresolved co-dependent tendencies. I encourage you to educate yourself on this topic.
Leesa 71
hi david, thanks so much for your advice. i think that crying every day for 8.5 months helped me become more emotionally stable. also i saw that if i really loved and respected myself, i would not have tolerated his shit, even with his excuses like “he was over tired, over worked, had a bad childhood” and all the other reasons he gave me which kept me stuck feeling compassion for him when he was behaving badly towards me.
at one year after it ended, i saw him and his women together. again i beat myself up – but then my friend helped me realise that being hard on myself was also probably what kept me stuck with him.
i haven’t been in a realationship or had any contact with men since him (that will be two years in april ’13). like i said, the heartbreak i went through at what i did to myself (by staying with him, taking his shit and then being cheated on) seems to have extracated any neediness or codependant tendencies i had.
in the first year i did alot of work in a 12 step program to process the experience. i know i did it to myself. i could have walked away from him every time he treated me like shit. but he would come crawling back, acting really remoseful for what he did, blaming tiredness, work etc. it’s only after it ended could i see clearly what he had been doing – lying to me, manipulating me, chasing other women behind my back, and taking his anger out on me because he knew he could get away with it. i then wondered how i could have been so blind. but my parents were also fooled by him. and i only found out about his philandering ways because i investigated what he had told me, and had a chance meeting with one of his old neigbours. it’s only then did i realise the depth of his lying which had been occuring from the beginning of the relationship. my mum was equally shocked. she also thought he was a hero.
but the bottom line is, now i will never tolerate bad behaviour from a guy, no matter what their excuse is.
Hazel 72
My case is different we both agreed to break up because of the age gap… He found someone his age but still held on to me for sexual satisfaction.. I found out felt used and decided to STOP once and for all… The problem is that I still love him and I am finding it hard to move on..