And the attraction imbalance….yeah I’m not able to accept that in my life right now as I told her “it’s not only not conducive to me finding a real girlfriend, it’s “counter productive” and she understood. It’s not fair to all the current women I’m meeting on Match to have HER on my mind and in my heart. That’s where she would be if we continued to “hang out”. Not to mention you feel that she’s pitty’ing you as she’s sitting across from you knowing that she’s happy and has a new boyfriend and I’m some chode fawning over her etc….. I couldn’t even concentrate on what we were talking about because I didn’t think it was authentic.

I didn’t mean to hijack the thread or get off topic I just know that the people on here are the best in the world at helping us all understand different perspectives and I had nowhere else to turn. I value your guys opinions even if I don’t agree with them.

I’ve got a couple of dates lined up and no they won’t be “like her” but I’ll go on them with an open mind and give them a chance.

You’re 40-something, and this has never happened to you before?

For most of us, that’s been a normal part of our lives since we were teenagers. It’s not an everyday thing, but it’s happened more times than I could conveniently count. I don’t find it emasculating or painful. It’s just mildly disappointing.

JB said: (#26)
“For the record I know that men and woman can just be friends but not when there’s that massive attraction imbalance because it’s only going to cause the the person who’s interested in more that friendship pain.”

I’m friends with a number of women where there’s an attraction imbalance (in either direction). It works just fine if the person (who is attracted) is able to accept that the other person does not want more than friendship.

My question to all of you is isn’t the new boyfriend supposed to be fulfilling that basic need of friendship and companionship especially at the beginning or am I crazy? I would hope if it were me I would that’s for sure! You know this isn’t my first rodeo,I’ve only been dating 33 yrs. What do I know? Not enough, that’s for sure…
 
In her return email all she could say was “I’ve always had male friends so I didn’t think it would be an issue”. You didn’t think it would be an issue? Really?? This woman is a solid “9″. She’s 47 and could pass for 40. I can’t believe that she’s had a lot of men that JUST wanted to be her “friend” and it’s never caused any drama in her twice divorced life. You just met a guy on Match you really really like and you need and have time for “this”? I wonder how he’d feel about it IF he knew. Let’s reverse it…..truthfully ladies, how many women on this blog if they just met a guy online they really like and took their profile down for would have no problem with their guy “hanging out with smokin hot woman chatting” and paying for the date just so he could have a new “friend”? This isn’t an old woman friend from before he met you. This is another Match competitor he may have met even after you but before you were solid. I thought the whole object of “taking your profile down” was that you wouldn’t be seeing other people?
 
For the record I know that men and woman can just be friends but not when there’s that massive attraction imbalance because it’s only going to cause the the person who’s interested in more that friendship pain. The person with the power can really care less because they’re not emotionally attached to the outcome of losing a so called “friend” anymore than this woman was.
 
My initial reaction to all this WAS the correct one. When I just said thank you for being honest and good luck on the phone the first time but I couldn’t let it go. I would’ve never forgave myself for not at least trying even if it hurt……and it did a lot.

I expect any adult to be capable of putting their best foot forward. If I’m in a serious relationship, eventually she will meet my boss, my friends, my family. I want her to be capable of being acceptable company even if she’s had a horrible day up to that point. It’s a basic skill for anyone who holds a professional job.

Certain kinds of behavior are okay on a first date. Shy, quiet or flustered will get a break. Terse, rude or an awful mood probably won’t.

SalsaQ said: (#14)
“I have dated men who spent time with me anyway when I was in an awful mood, and they listened, and were sympathetic, maybe brought a little fun into the outing anyway, won gold stars, and asked me out again.”

If you are having an off day, you’re at your date’s mercy. He can either write you off immediately, or he can give you a break. The choice is his. You can’t make him give you a break, no matter how much you believe you deserve one.

If you want to empower your dating, then you need to look for opportunities to give your date a break. This rule is true whether you are a man or a woman. You can give your date a second chance regardless of how little they deserve it. You get the gold stars. You get the second date which wouldn’t otherwise have happened.

If you come across poorly on a first date, you’ll probably have to shrug it off and move on, because 90% of the men/women out there won’t give you a break. But if your date comes across poorly on the first date, you can choose to be the exception 100% of the time.

The difference, SalsaQ, is you’re looking at what your date could do differently. I succeeded by looking at what I could do differently.

And really does anyone in this day and age have that kind of time where you’d want to “hang out” with somone of the opposite sex who you aren’t attracted to and you’d just had 1 meet & greet date with?? I know I’m entertaining and all but come on. I know I certainly wouldn’t be “hanging out” with let alone paying for a woman I wasn’t attracted to and I don’t know any men that would either. Especially if I’d just met some other woman that I took my profile down for!! I went through with it all because 1. to me she’s adorable and 2. I thought for sure she’d cancel right up until the time of the date. I kept waiting for THAT text…LOL

@Joe…..no I thought it was more because I’d paid for the our first “meet & greet” like every guy in the world does for the most part so this was her way of making it “even” and not feeling guilty. Very nice of her but I guess she never got the memo that if you’re not into someone it’s just best to say it directly if even in an email the day after a “meet & greet” instead of dragging it out etc….. by accepting dates, canceling them, making hang out “non” dates and paying for them. She doesn’t owe me anything, I spent 27 dollars….lol hardly steak & lobster. Obviously she doesn’t know “the rules” we’ve all set for the world on this blog!

None of this by the way has kept me from doing anything the last month. I’ve been emailing and meeting others just like I normally would. Sadly….. I can’t get HER out of my head but I will with time. Even with all I know and have learned it’s hard to erase the memory or not think there’s a tiny glimmer of “hope”………

I think she hung out with you because she likes you — as a friend.  She paid because she wanted to make it clear to you that the two of you weren’t on a date, you were just spending time with a friend.   

She also may have hung out with you because she wanted to enjoy the company of a man without the pressure of dating.  Things may not have worked out with the other guy but she probably didn’t want to tell you that because she doesn’t see a romantic future with you and letting you know that she’s back on the market might get your hopes up.