How Do I Get Men Outside My Race To Commit To Me?

Evan Marc Katz

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That leads us to the next part of today’s tough love post: “Why would any man dump you, Jae?” (Note to other readers: this a good thing for you to contemplate, too, since humility and self-awareness are the keys to any long-term relationship.)

From your email, I’ve learned a few things:

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you.

You have a big ego.

You don’t find most men attractive.

You won’t date within your own race.

You look down on the commitment-oriented white men who fall for your sister since they’re beneath your standards.

Do I even need to say anything else as to why you’re still single?

No, I do not.

If you want to find love, just undo everything I restated above.

Get over yourself. You may be attractive and successful, but quality men care more about your kindness and character and humor than how much you make.

Learn to give men a chance, even if they’re not your type. After all, don’t you want a bunch of Caucasian men to give YOU a chance even if you’re not THEIR type?

Open up to black men, since that’s the most obvious pool of candidates who’d be interested in you.

Stop looking down on nice guys who want to commit to you. They’re better long-term relationship bets than the white men who are using you for exotic sex, don’t you think?

I appreciate your frustration and thank you for your letter, but you’re completely focused on things you can’t change (white men!) instead of the only thing you CAN change (your perceptions, actions and reactions.)

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Related Posts:

1. Am I Selling Out For Not Dating Within My Race?
2. Is Race Just A “State Of Mind” In Online Dating?
3. How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me?
4. What To Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit
5. How Much Time You Should Give a Guy to Commit Before You Quit

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78 Comments »Filed Under Dating

78 Responses to “How Do I Get Men Outside My Race To Commit To Me?”

1. Karl R 1

   Evan said: (original post)
   “You look down on the commitment-oriented white men who fall for your sister since they’re beneath your standards.”
   
   I’m not sure that’s correct.

   Jae said: (original post)
   “My sister gets men to commit but you wanna see the state of them – I have higher standards!”

   As far as I can tell, Jae didn’t specify the race of the men committing to her sister (though Evan may have edited the letter for length). They might be black men.

   Regardless, Jae comes across to me as a bigot. She won’t consider even dating a black man (even though his bits are no different than mine). Jae has “higher standards.” Not only does she need to find a man who isn’t a bigot, she has to find a non-bigotted man who is willng to overlook her bigotry. Ironically, otherwise tolerant people are remarkably intolerant of bigots.

   Furthermore, when someone refuses to date within their own race, that sends up a huge red flag. It gives the strong appearance that person has esteem issues about their race or even self-loathing about their race.

   And if Jae is interested in raising a family, this gets even messier. Do you think an open-minded man wants his children to learn intolerance from their mother? Do you think a man wants his mixed-race son to have a mother who believes that black men are inadequate?

   I can’t tell what Jae actually feels/believes about black men. But I’ve stated what an outsider is likely to perceive (correctly or incorrectly).

2. Ms V 2

   Evan…. you hit the nail on the head.   Jae seems like she has plenty of reasons why any man (regardless of race) would not want to commit to her.  I’m a black woman and I can NOT relate to Jae at all.  Two things I’ve learned from reading your blog that have helped my dating life tremendously is “stay open” and “be fun”.  Even if she isn’t attracted to black men (which I do NOT understand), what about dating Asian, Middle Eastern, or Indian guys?  Why not make the pool as big as possible?
   Let’s be real she isn’t exactly a spring chicken, either. At 36 she is starting  off with a smaller pool.  I’m 31 and it seems like the 30-40 men (regardless of race) on match want women 25-33.

3. Honey 3

   I agree with others that it sounds like one of her problems is narrow-mindedness and another is self-loathing of her own race, but I think she also may be setting her sights too high.  Either she is trying to date 8s thinking she is an 8 when she is really a 5, or she knows she is a 5 and is shooting for 8s (and then wondering why that isn’t working out, when it’s obviously because the 8s are going for 10s).

   I also wonder why she places such a weird premium on having been with a very low number of partners.  I mean, I’m all for being safe sexually, but if you are that age and have had that few partners then maybe you are placing too much importance on sex and what sex means for a relationship.  Making a relationship sexual doesn’t have to mean that it’s super serious, and if you expect it to mean that, then maybe that’s why guys aren’t committing.  How can you expect them to commit to you when you clearly aren’t opening up to them?  Loosen up, have some fun, don’t worry about where every relationship is heading right out of the gate and just see whose company you enjoy.

   I also wonder about her “standards” – when I was in my 20s I wanted the “whole package” – looks, intellect, high powered career.  I did get all that in my boyfriend, but the things that I really value about him now (we are in our early 30s) and what I’d be looking for if I were single are kindness, maturity, and generosity of spirit.

4. Eathan 4

   Some where along the way she will have to find a compromise in what she’s looking for.  Or at least figure out which ones are make or break type issues.  From my experience, it’s tough to find someone who meets my standards and vice versa.  And it’s even more complicated when you’re dating interracial.  Sometimes the local social/dating scene dictates some of this also.  I’m blessed to live in a area that is open to dating outside my race.

5. Traci 5

   @Eathan
   Where do you live?

6. Tish 6

   Wow!  I have to say, I love the feedback I’m reading.  I completely agree with Kurt R.  I read the same thing in relation to her sister getting men to commit to her.  Also, I too am a black woman.  I’ve dated the rainbow.  I had men from other races want to commit to me, want to spend time with me and I was to “fast” to slow down and enjoy the ride.  I was forever doing my own thing, meeting new guys daily.  Never gave the good guys a real chance.  I was the one who didn’t want to commit because I was having too much fun, enjoying being free.

   I don’t believe that it’s a black/white/purple/orange thing (I’ve been on both sides of the coin, i.e. non-commital, etc.).  I think it’s a “where’s your priorities” thing.  What’s more important, a guy who treats you with kindness and respect or the guy who looks good on paper?  Who cares what color he is.  Men are men (people are people).  There are wonderful black, hispanic, white, asian, etc. men out there.  If a man is into you and wants to commit to you he will.  It has nothing to do with the pigmentation of his skin.  Just my humble opinion.

7. Sherel 7

   They will commit to you. Commit to leaving your self loathing a** alone!.  It’s like the cat that just wants to mate with dogs.  They may wanna do ya but they sense that something is really wrong. Girl you need to get on somebody’s couch.
   Signed
   A Happy Black woman

8. Naomi 8

   Although i agree with what everyone said about how she needs to calm down a little, and be a tad more realisitc. Being a black women myself,i do completly understand a lot of the “jungle fever” attitudes that come from caucasian men. And it really does make it difficult to try and find ones that are just pursuing you and putting forth effort to eventually get you in bed or not.

9. Amora 9

   I am married to a man of a different race. So I consider that “committed” to me. All my life I have been attracted to me of different races & even from different countries too. Luckily they are attracted to me also.

   All (100%) of the men I wanted to marry, married me. All the men I wanted to date were commited to me also.

   I think men do what they “want” to do. If they want you , then they automaticly are “committed” to the girl they want. But if you try to “force” things , you will get “resistance” everytime. There is no easy answer to the questions people write here. You would have to live in the same house with them, & follow them around all day & see & hear every word & see every action, to be able to give an accurate reply here.  

   I think it might be better for Jae to ask some friend who can be “honest” what is her opinion, even if the “truth” hurts. It might be a habit that Jae is not even aware of, when she is with her men. She might over-power the converstions, be too demanding in some way, too serious, too funny, too playful? too quiet? You would have to be a fly-on-the-wall along with her on her dates, to see if there is some kind of habit that is a turn-off for her dates. Most men try to spare the feelings of their dates, as “gentlemen”, so theyw ill most likely “never” tell her what she is doing that annoys them.

10. Denise 10

    I liked Evan’s response, he’s right on. It seems like the original question/headline would be better worded:

    What can I do to be more attractive to men?

11. JYD 11

     It’s amazing in this day and age how people can be blind to their own issues. Jae is mixed yet has totally discounted the other half of her race. I feel there is a lot more to her story than she is telling and without knowing the full scoop…we are just taking a stab in the dark. I understand why some choose not to date interracially but when you are a product of a mixed union and you refuse to acknowledge part of who you are…there is typically something more to it.
     But based on what I was able to read, she does seem to have a huge chip on her shoulder and I guess it’s in her blind spot but I’m willing to bet that the men see this hence the lack of commitment. It goes back to what many say about interracial dating. I will date one but I won’t marry one.

12. Theresa H 12

    Jae – I dont think your color is the issue….women all over the world are saying the same thing about the men they are dating right now! The only other comment I have is that when women express extreme disbelief/bewilderment at their own single status when they consider themselves such a catch it makes me wince a little…..
    I’m sure it will all come good eventually – good luck!

13. Denise 13

    She sounds frustrated with dating, and I think we can all empathize with that.

    The good news is she is CURIOUS about learning how to do better.  Whether she takes the advice and re-phrases the question is up to her.

14. Jessica 14

    #11 – Jae identified herself as black at the beginning of her letter. Did I miss where she explained that she was “mixed?”
    Also, just wondering if anyone has insight into how interracial dating is different in the UK versus the US (or elsewhere).

15. Ruby 15

    I do have to wonder when Jae says she doesn’t find black men attractive and only wants to date Caucasian men. The term “Caucasian” covers a very wide spectrum of types and ethnicities. Is she trying to “trade up” somehow? Fit in with the dominant culture? She seems to place such a high premium on the man’s being Caucasian to the exclusion of everything else. How ironic that she claims to have such high standards when she dates men who don’t really want her. Since she dates men who are willing to lower their own standards in order to go out with her (for sex), this tells me that she doesn’t place a very high value on herself, despite the fact that she thinks she does. Like the man who wrote last week complaining that the women he was dating didn’t value his niceness, the men Jae dates don’t really value her for who she is – a black woman. She is over-emphasizing race to the exclusion of more important qualities like commitment and tolerance.

16. Ruby 16

    Also, if Jae does date a Caucasian man, wouldn’t it make sense to go out with a guy who doesn’t view her as an exotic curiosity right off the bat (“I’ve never been out with a black woman before”), but perhaps one who has dated women of other races before? If she wants a man who is open-minded, though, she’s going to have to become more open-minded herself.

17. Andrea 17

    I’ve been lurking for a few weeks and as someone who recently decided to finally try online dating, this post definitely strikes a chord with me.
    I do hope that Jae or someone else who has lived in the UK chimes in about how interracial dating might be different there.  Black men who want to cross over don’t seem to have a problem anywhere.  I’ve been as a tourist  several times but it’s hard to know what life is like there. Plenty of men here in the U.S.(black, white, and other, will check every box but black), so I hope she’s not contacting them b/c I can see how someone like that might respond and go out with her but not commit.
    If she can find some, she’d probably have better luck with certain white expats from countries where I see a lot of white men married to black women (France, for example, and Germans are open to it too). My black friends who lived in London for a bit dated those guys while there.
    One thing that I will say as a black woman is that someone’s ability to seriously date outside of his race doesn’t necessarily depend on having a “habit” of dating interracially, but perhaps on simply encountering people of that race in daily life.  It’s great if he does have a black girlfriend in his past(there are things that you don’t have to explain) but that’s not necessary for you to be the one who gets the ring.  Of course, Scandanavian and German men don’t seem to have gotten that memo, as many of my friends here in the States and Canada have gotten married to men of that background who NEVER got to see or date any other black women.
    And here in the U.S., it’s the black women who frequently block out men of other races (although truthfully, since we aren’t presented as the paragons of beauty anywhere, a lot of those men don’t find us attractive anyway-I mean, I’ve read/heard white men describe Beyonce as being obese for goodness sakes. Our bodies are definitely not appreciated by a lot of men).
    However, in the UK, once you leave London, the non-black population plummets so I wonder if Jae is facing the challenge of being just too different for the men.
    I don’t think she should associate the failure to commit with the men’s race, b/c ultimately, a man who is into her enough won’t care what his family and friends say, and some of those German men who married my friends did have family members who disowned them, and in one case, the mother (but not the father) refused to come to the wedding.
    It’s always a problem when a black woman says that she won’t date within her race.  It’s a problem to me when anyone says that.  They are likely attaching a negative or positive (and frequently offensive either way) stereotypes to those people.  If the UK is like the US and Jae is a highly educated professional, then statistically, the men who share her education and income level are less likely to be black. For me, a good education is non-negotiable so by default, that does leave a lot of  black men out, but I would never say no to one who met those criteria simply b/c he was black.
    I disagree that she’s overrating herself overall, although reining in the ego and being kinder, gentler, and more nurturing is something that she might need to work on.  But I will say that she needs to understand that a black women could be an 8 or 10 but at least on a white man’s(and really society’s) scale could be a 5.  Plenty of people on this site claim to be 8′s or 10′s without challenge, so I’m loath to do that here.  However, thanks to the media, her value as a trophy even if she’s gorgeous just isn’t there. I hate the rating system, but I’d say that if she was a white woman who only wanted to date black men, she could be a 5 or lower and still be quite successful. White women are the ideal and given a lot of value by men of all races. They are always going to have the most hits in online dating.
    I’ll admit that a lot of successful black women have trouble putting what makes them successful professionally and academically to the side when dating.  And we can have some excessive requirements.  Are nice professional men who would commit  contacting her but getting ignored b/c they are losing their hair or are only 5’8? I wonder if she’s turning down white men who probably on paper match her well but maybe don’t look like Pierce Brosnan (b/c if I was in the UK I’d imagine that’s who I’d fancy).
    I think she can have plenty of options, just not as many as her white counterparts, and if educated black men fancy her too, she needs to give them a chance. If she was writing in with the same story and complaining about not being able to get any black men to commit (which is FAR more common), then I’d have the same advice.  Odds are, to get what she wants, she needs to open up her racial preferences(ironic, since black women are usually being scolded to give someone OTHER than black men a chance).  I can see how many won’t and she doesn’t need to entertain them, but she shouldn’t treat them all as if they can’t.
    Truthfully, as far as getting a commitment, my black friends got to the altar a lot FASTER once they started replying to the white men.  A black man who has it going on is either dating interracially where he gets a lot of mileage for the black male stereotype and for being successful and educated (much more rare for black men than for black women-is that true in the UK too?)
    So I hope things will work out for Jae.  My friends, who I think are probably 8-10s in every way (Ivy League educated, multiple degrees, good looking) have done really well with the white men, and found men who were attractive, equally well-educated (something that was going to be impossible to come by since the black men we went to school with repeatedly passed us over OR dated and wouldn’t commit).  She does need to accept that for a lot of men of ALL races, her looks could be amazing but still don’t translate for them b/c it’s not what gets thrown at them everyday.
    Sorry this is so long, it kind of combines my thoughts from a lot of things, esp. on the topic of race, that I’ve been reading here.

18. Adrienne 18

    Wow Evan – And Kurt both nailed it.  
    I’m a  woman who happens to be multi-racial who has a loving committed relationship with a man who happens to be Caucasian and from Italy.    He never looked at me as a woman with dark skin and curly hair – he looked at me and still does as a beautiful, kind, sweet heart woman. This is how he introduced me to a good friend of his on Sunday afternoon at a Christmas party.   
     
    Now, I’ve traveled the world – and I’ve been in committed relationships with men from around the world. I’ve actually found that in the UK and Republic of Ireland that I’m not a ‘curiousity’ but that men there that are Caucasian tend to be more relaxed about the color of skin.  I’m not saying everyone there is – but the men I’ve encountered there were interested in me for reasons other than that.
     
    I’m wondering if the OP is putting ‘out’ the Exotic Something Something Until Something Better Comes Along vibe or if she is really truly displaying ‘feminine’ energy with the men she meets?  In reading her description of herself – if she is TELLING men that she’s a beautiful catch – well . .  . I think most men find that to be a turn off.  As well, it doesn’t really say WHO she is and WHAT she’s about .  . . other than her looks and sexuality.  
     
    Yes – men are visual – and they do initially pick on whether they find a PARTICULAR woman attractive to THEM.  Their eyes, their view, how they PERCEIVE her.  But after that, you have to bring your F (feminine) Game to the table, and share the gifts of your heart, or risk him walking away.

19. Helen 19

    Ruby #15, I agree with you. It sounds as though if Jae were offered the choice: “Which would you rather have: a white guy who will date you but not commit to you, or a good guy of any other race (black, Asian, Hispanic) who wants to marry you?”, she would choose the former. She DOES sound more obsessed about race than about any other quality.
     
    That is sad, but – to each his own. Everyone has their different tastes, and while we may not consider them particularly wise, so be it.
     
    I would offer that Jae needs to prioritize. What matters to her most (even if others find it misguided)? Is it more important that she be married to a good guy, or that the guy she finds is Caucasian? (By “Caucasian,” I think she means white, even if Caucasian does take a much broader sweep of ethnicities.) If it is the former, then Evan’s advice is spot-on. If it is the latter… well, she should be aware of just how much she has narrowed her choices, and should also be aware of the good points Karl R brings up in #1 about the tolerant white guy’s viewpoint.

20. Ruby 20

    Helen #19
    “Everyone has their different tastes, and while we may not consider them particularly wise, so be it.” 
     
    My point in bringing this up is that if Jae were white and said that she was attracted to black men, I could understand that preference. However, a “Caucasian” could be blond and blue-eyed, or dark and swarthy, so it almost seems as if any Caucasian would fit the bill, as long as he’s white. On some level, does she think that any white male has more status than a black man does? That is what I’m wondering. 

21. Marc 21

    Jae,
    Walk over to the closest mirror, take a good look at yourself and say, “I am not a victim of the world I see.” Repeat as necessary.

22. Sarah 22

    This reminds me of my situation in my previous relationship: I was living with a Chinese man.  A lot of people kept asking me “how can you be with a Chinese?” or “Why did you chose a Chinese?”.
    I’ve never understood either questions.  I didn’t chose Chinese, I chose HIM.  Not because he’s Chinese or not, but because I loved HIM.
    I totally agree with Evan, race has absolutely nothing, but nothing to do with it.  And if for the other party it has, then forget about him, he’s not worth it.
    I must admit though that I don’t understand this desire to date only white men.  As said above, people are people no matter what race…

23. Amora 23

    I read many good ideas for Jae here. She should try them all & see what might work best for her.

    I have family in the UK, Switzerland, & also in France. I did not notice a high degree of interacial couples in either of these 3 countries. If you look at the big picture, of each country , say like 100% population, then most married couples in all 3 countires, looked like they were the same race. When you shop & eat out, you see all people or every race, & it looks like most races in these 3 countries were of the same races.

    I take lots of pics when I go out shopping too (just for pleasure), in the random pics there are all kinds of people, but most of families & couples look like the same race.

    For myself, I like a different flavor, so I married a different race, because that is what we “both” wanted to do. 

    Jae, just keep your eyes & your options open. Your “Prince” will come. You may have to see lots of ugly frogs along the way, but eventually, over time, your true “Prince” will come.

    I agree with Andrea #17 commit, you might have to look beyond “Tall” & “Long Rocker-Hair” to get your Prince. He may be a short & balding Prince (they come in all shapes & sizes you know) lol

24. Andrea 24

    Ruby #20
    I’m not sure I understand your point about why it might make sense for Jae as a white women to prefer black men but not the other way around.
    It sounds as if you are under the impression that the variation in appearance doesn’t exist in black men.  A black man could have light skin, light eyes, light hair, etc. or he could be extremely dark, or somewhere in between. Too often, people assume that they know someone’s genotype because of their phenotype, which isn’t true, and it’s what leads people to make too many assumptions about what a “black” person looks like.
    This is about race and not phenotype, b/c even it’s a rare, if you said you wanted a red-headed or blond-haired black man, or a black man with green eyes, you could definitely find that (the eyes actually aren’t that rare).
    I can’t speak for Jae, but I wonder if she’s associating the worst stereotypes concerning black men with ALL black men, and is therefore avoiding them all together.
    If she does chime in, I’d suggest that she try an interracial dating site. She’d have to sift through people with fetishes and people with real interest, but at least she’d know that the men there were actually looking for black women.
    As someone who isn’t an “outsider” to Jae’s situation, my take on it is that it’s not that she wants a white guy whether he’s good or not.  My guess (as another black woman) is that she wants a white guy b/c she’s convinced that they are collectively better.  And depending on what her needs and wants are, they probably are “better.”  A higher percent will have college degrees for example.  However, it is silly for her to discard ALL black men for the failures or limitations of some.  To understand the root of her desire, you’d have to know what she was willing to tolerate simply for the sake of being with a white man.  Could he be less educated?  It doesn’t sound like she wants him to be less attractive. That leads me to think that she might want an educated professional, and is choosing white men because there are more of them that fit that profile. Will she accept “less” from a man simple because he is white? We don’t know.
    It’s a slippery slope, and without more info, it’s hard to know if she’s making sweeping generalizations about the black men she meets and is  just throwing out the baby with the bathwater, whether she’s rejecting them preemptively, or if she has issues of self-loathing (yes, some people want to marry non-black people to have children who have a different phenotype).
    I do think that she needs to realize that if she’s attempting to date across racial lines, her value does take a hit even if she’s a very attractive woman-also, we kind of all know that education and professional success don’t get women nearly as much as they get men in the dating world.
    In case anyone is interested, do a sort of black women and black men on the basis of just education and you’ll see the kinds of differences that exist. Also, check out who the black men are looking for.  Several exclude black women, and few ONLY consider black women.  But the fact that a lot of non-black men include everyone except black women makes me think that Jae is limiting herself too much by just looking at white men.  She has to cast a wider net.

25. Hot Alpha Female 25

    Evan, I’m so glad that you posted this question and you answered it how you did. I think the fundamental issue here is not about the colour or race of the men that Jae is interested in, rather it is her opinion and interaction with men.
    I believe Jae needs to open herself up again to men of all sorts. Go on dates with them, enjoy their company and don’t discredit men so quickly. All this list building, keeps Jae safe. It keeps her from really having a man.
    So she needs to also look at the reasons why she feels she needs to protect herself. Is it because she actually doesn’t want to get hurt. Maybe its a particular belief about men.
    She has to focus on the root of the problem (her inability to trust me) rather than the symptom (can’t get them to commit).
     
    Hot Alpha Female

26. Vicki 26

    Jae
     
    All i have to say is:- when you don’t like yourself or even love all of the parts of yourself (your heritage) why on earth would any man of any race want to commit to that.  Isn’t a successful relationship about two healthy, whole, individuals coming together not one broken piece trying to be healed by another – just a thought….
     

27. JerseyGirl 27

    Her dating issues sound like issues women of all races and cultures face. Since she primarily dates whilte men, that’s where her experience lies. Although it’s curious that she doesn’t date any black men. However, I am a white woman who, while I’ve dated a limited few men outside my race, am primarily attracted to other white men. Does that make me a bigot? I don’t think so. Anymore then it makes Jae one for not dating men of her own race. She might not be comfortable with her own hertiage. But the fact that she doesn’t date men of her hertitage isn’t proof of that alone.

28. Ruby 28

    Andrea #24

    My point was that it doesn’t sound like Jae has a particular physical type that she prefers, just that the most important thing is that the man is Caucasian. She doesn’t really explain her lack of attraction to non-Caucasians, so I wondered. My questions are similar to the ones you raise.

29. Bill 29

    Attraction is not a choice. It seems most of the commenter’s are suggesting Jae should look at other races besides whites.
    She is attracted to white men lets work with that. The white men she is attracted to probably have rejected a lot of other white women too. At the end of the day she is working to find a white guy she finds desirable that would commit to her.
    Realistically we are talking about leagues again. She is also at a age range where men have more power vs women. All the men who want to be in relationships are probably taken and etc.
    Realistically if she wants a white man to commit to her she would have to compromise like her sister. It is the sad reality you can’t change reality. You can only change your expectations.

30. Flower 30

    She has a racial fetish, many do. Asian women date heavily outside of their race and have no problem finding a mate. Many Black American men have a racial fetish, too and have no problem finding a mate.
    I think that Rae should cast her net, join more intterracial dating sites and maybe purchase Evan’s book Why Men Disappear. Bone up on the subject of IR dating.
    Google and visit some Black Women Empowerment blogs, there she will find support for her wish to date WM.
    Personally I think Rae should keeping being chosy, keep her fetish, that’s her choice. Go to where the WM are join clubs go out dancing and join as many dating sites as you can.
    Market yourself! But … bone up on Evan’s dating tips.
    I for one and maybe I’m the only one but I think she is going to find the perfect WM as soon as she changes how she dates.

31. Z 31

    I agree with Bill and Flower, I think that’s good advice.

32. Flower 32

    Thank you Z. I was puzzled reading some of the other responses. But as a fellow Black female who IR dates -I’m African American, slim and attractive, too, I can relate to Rae.
    Oh and I was married to a BM. Would date one if my ‘type’ was around but my ‘type’ of BM is far and few between in my Northern California neck of the words so it’s WM.
    Rae, Define the sort of WM you want and accept nothing less. Have a list of non-negotiables. Reject the ones who appear to treat you as a sex object. Stay busy with your full life. Get the word out! Keep dating! If you are as hot as you say you are, soon and very soon, you will have the man of your dreams.
    As they say in certain hoods “don’t let haters keep you off your grind” -why should you date a BM just cause you’re the same race? makes no sense to me. BW are expected to be emotional mules hoping and praying for that one perfect BM.

33. Karl R 33

    Bill said: (#29)
    “Attraction is not a choice. [...] She is attracted to white men”
    
    First, Jae stated that she only dates white men. She didn’t say that whites were the only men she found attractive. She also said that she didn’t find most men on eHarmony and Match.com attractive (again, without specifying race).

    Second, we might not be able to choose who we are attracted to, but we can certainly influence it over time. You probably won’t be able to convince yourself that repulsive people are attractive, but it’s quite possible to broaden your view of which people are attractive … if you put your mind to it.

    Jae seems to be expending a lot of extra effort to find a white man for a committed relationship, even though there’s nothing that indicates that the color of his skin will make her happier or the relationship more successful in the long run.

34. Bill 34

    “one perfect BM” LOL there is no such thing as perfection. If your over the age of 35 it is time to get real. Find someone you can connect with at a deep level. Your not a spring chicken anymore. Your list of requirements are pretty good if you want to be single. Yes I know you rather be single than be unhappy. At the end of the day your the one who is making yourself unhappy.

35. Flower 35

    Bill of course you got my sarcasm.
     
    Karl, it doesn’t matter. She wants a WM, that’s her choice. Just cause she’s B doesn’t mean she has to date a BM. Many Asians ladies and BM make the extra effort to date outside their race even though there’s nothing that indicated that the color of their skin will make them happier or the relationship more successful in the long run.
    I am getting the vibe of … dare I say the R word …
    Anyway, Rae has not chimed in here.  Good luck, Rae. As Willow Smith sang “don’t let hater’s get you off your grind”, lastly I say, with effort and determination you will find the WM of your dreams.

36. Laureni 36

    Evan’s answer was on target, but terribly depressing. I’m an attractive black woman and it took me a long time to finally accept the fact that race matters tremendously in the dating game and unfortunately, most men, particularly white men, would not want to marry a black woman.  Even if you are kind and nurturing. Even if you do everything right. I didn’t start to find love until I came to this sobering realization.
    In defense of the OP, I wouldn’t quickly dismiss her as being ego-inflated. White people who wish to date only outside of their race would not be judged so harshly. We all have egos when it comes to dating.  Those who have more power/leverage are forgiven for their egos. I know that Evan keeps reiterating that men are more about “feelings” and not looks, but it’s not really that simple. An egotistical hot, young white woman probably stands a better chance of snagging a tall, successful 36 year old white guy than the most nurturing black woman ever could. Humility is accepting that life isn’t fair.

37. Karl R 37

    Flower,
    I see a huge difference between someone like you (who primarily dates members of one race due to circumstances) and someone like Jae (who will only date members of one race).

    If someone only dates members of one race, it raises the question of “Why?” While we don’t know Jae’s reason, I can think of several reasons … and “a fetish” is the least disturbing of the possibilities.

    I don’t want to date any woman who has chosen me because she has a fetish, because she sees me as a status symbol, because she believes I’m somehow “pure,” etc. I want to date women who are interested in me as a person … regardless of my skin color or hers.

    And I doubt I’m the only man (white or not) who feels this way. And if enough men feel the same way as I do, that could partially explain Jae’s lack of success.

    On a separte note, do you think Jae has better odds of finding that one perfect WM, than that one perfect BM?

38. Z 38

    Karl R. said: “If someone only dates members of one race, it raises the question of “Why?” While we don’t know Jae’s reason, I can think of several reasons … and “a fetish” is the least disturbing of the possibilities.”
    Would you say the same thing if the situation were a BW who only dated BM?

39. Andrea 39

    @Karl R, I totally think that wherever she lives Jae has a better shot at finding a “perfect” white guy over a “perfect” black guy.
    It might not be true perfection(in regards to the search for a “perfect” mate) so much as standing a higher chance of getting other criteria that she wants.
    I don’t think I have to extrapolate much to guess that education and a good career are probably must-haves for Jae.
    Based on Jae’s writing, I’m going to guess that she’s from the UK.  Not sure if she’s still there, but most people raised in the U.S. don’t refer to themselves as “fancying” anything.  So she might have the same issues that Flower has finding black men at all(and I live in N. Cal too).
    Look, maybe it’s not obvious to a lot of people who aren’t black women and maybe aren’t looking for black men, but if you are really well-educated and want someone who has formal education and no illegitimate kids,  way fewer black men will fit the bill.  And that is true whether you are in Idaho or Washington D.C. Dealing with men whose circumstances differ significantly from your own is just not something that women of other races have to deal with.
    That’s why I’m willing to cut her some slack about looking for a white man.  She might be a bit too blunt about it, and it sounds like she’s excluding black men, but it might be because her perception is that they lack some fundamental traits that she wants or needs.  I’m not interested in people with kids all over the place and who can’t write or spell either.  I think a lot of educated women aren’t.  It’s not even about money.
    I don’t think that a lot of white people in this country can really relate to that kind of imbalance.  As I’d said before, try filtering as if you were looking for an educated black man and compare that to the number of well-educated black women that you can find.  Those numbers are depressing and it can make you not want to bother looking at all. Add to that the fact that many of THOSE black men also don’t want to talk to black women anyway.
    What is hard is that Jae is trying to break into a dating pool that largely sees no value in her except as a sex toy.  As she said, some want to play around but not date her in any meaningful way.  Many white men will list every ethnicity except black as what they are looking for.  As was mentioned, (and I’ve seen in other threads), many Asian women will exclude Asian men.  I didn’t see/read anyone coming down so hard on them for having a fetish for white men.  And it does seem that women who have a fetish for black men are willing to commit to them.
    I’m not defending her choice 100%, but I’m not going to pretend that I don’t get where she’s coming from or ignore the fact that there is a BIG double standard as people judge her choice.
    And add me to the list that wouldn’t blame anyone for only dating members of their own race.  As I said though, Jae’s success might be as bad if not worse if she picked that strategy unless she was willing to give up a lot in terms of finding someone with a common background.
    Her best shots are really to focus on all races and if her criteria really is about education and career, to stick to that, and to use interracial dating sites.  There will be people with fetishes but there will just be regular white men who maybe don’t feel confident approaching black women (I’ve had white male friends say that they “don’t know what to say”) and I can truthfully say that lot of black women do shut the advances of non-black men out, so approaching someone online who is open and where you can play the numbers game can be the best approach.
    Even in the best case scenario, she’ll still have far fewer options than her white or Asian counterparts, so she is shooting herself in the foot here in my opinion.

40. Karl R 40

    Z asked: (#38)
    “Would you say the same thing if the situation were a BW who only dated BM?”
    
    Of course.

    I would apply it to anyone who only dates members of one race. No exceptions.

    Andrea said: (#39)
    “As was mentioned, (and I’ve seen in other threads), many Asian women will exclude Asian men.  I didn’t see/read anyone coming down so hard on them for having a fetish for white men.”
    
    There’s a substantial number of asian women who seek white men, because they see those men as a status symbol. There’s a substantial number of white men who seek asian women, because they have have a fetish for Asians. Both groups are exercising poor selection criteria … but it’s not stopping them from finding a partner. They easily find an equally shallow partner, and they appear to be quite happy with that outcome.

    Since both groups are getting what they want, they’re not coming here seeking advice. I can’t speak for anyone else on this blog, but I don’t waste my time giving advice to people who aren’t interested in listening.

    Jae knows something isn’t working for her. She might not like my advice, but she’s in a better position to listen to it.

    Andrea said: (#39)
    “maybe it’s not obvious to a lot of people who aren’t black women and maybe aren’t looking for black men, but if you are really well-educated and want someone who has formal education and no illegitimate kids, way fewer black men will fit the bill.”
    
    That’s an ugly stereotype, but there’s a bit of truth to it.

    But that ugly stereotype applies equally well to black women. So if I’m looking for a woman with a formal education and no illegitimate kids, I could save time by ruling out every black woman.

    Of course, Jae and Flower and Laureni and every other black woman reading this blog is about to start screaming that the stereotype doesn’t apply to them. THEY are an exception to the stereotype.

    But Jae is ignoring the fact that there are black men who are also exceptions to the stereotype that you gave. She is more aware than many people that some people are exceptions to the general rule. She’s in a position to truly value people who do look beyond the stereotype to see the qualities that she actually possesses.

    And Jae is apparently unwilling or incapable of extending that insight to any black man. How is that anything but a double-standard.

    I agree with most of your other comments. Jae is in a tough dating position, and she’s making it tougher by her own choices.

41. Goldie 41

    I am surprised so few commenters have been able to accurately see where Karl is coming from, to the point of “the R-word” having already surfaced. sheesh. When I look at Jay’s letter, I see the exact same thing he sees, a huge logical disconnect.
     
    In the letter, Jae describes herself as a woman who chooses her men based on their skin color first, all their other qualities being secondary. She does not understand why the men she dates, that she chose based on their race first and foremost, are not color blind. Well, because neither is she!
     
    If I chose the men I date based first and foremost on their looks, I’d end up dating a lot of shallow men to whom looks are the number one factor. To me this is the same thing. If you chose a man, not for who he is, but because he’s white, don’t be surprised to find out that he, in turn, chose you, not for who you are, but because to him you’re an exotic dish he hasn’t tried yet.
     
    I like Sarah’s comment #22. She didn’t choose “a Chinese guy”, she chose HIM and he happened to be Chinese. IMO that is the way to go.

42. Andrea 42

    Karl R,
    We don’t know if Jae isn’t going to take Evan’s advice yet because she hasn’t chimed back in. I think plenty of Asian women write in here…the first post I ever read on this site was from an Asian woman who was asking about being a sell-out for not dating her own race.
    The stereotype doesn’t apply EQUALLY well to black men and black women unfortunately.  This is a case where it applies more often to the men than the women, and since I think that in general people do tend to date and marry people with similar educational backgrounds, it doesn’t bode well for black women.
    Blacks overall have higher rates of illegitimate births and are enrolled in university at lower rates than members of other groups.  Not sure what the break out is for the births, but for school black women attend and graduate from college at much higher rates.
    So yes, It it true when you compare us collectively to whites and Asians you could apply an ugly general stereotype, but if you visit ANY college campus in this country, you will see many more black women than black men.  So there is nothing EQUAL about it.  Too many professional, well-educated black women have no black male colleagues, classmates, etc. We enroll in higher education at a higher rate, and we graduate at a higher rate.  When you go on to graduate school(and I’ve been 3 times) and the workplace, that imbalance gets even worse. The handful of blacks who work in my large division of an even larger company are black women…and we’re not talking about a company or industry where women are highly represented.  That was true for me in my pre-grad school career too.
    People from other ethnic groups in this country don’t have such a disparity in the pursuit of higher educations, although current stats show more women than men enrolled overall.
    It’s a small sample size, but when you start using online dating sites and you filter based on education, you’ll get far more hits on educated black women than educated black men.
    I do think that Jae can find a man to commit to her, and if she’s an attractive, educated woman she can probably find a white man that fits the bill.  But I think she needs to take the focus off of his race and more on the real qualities that she wants in a mate, because honestly, there will still be more non-black men that fit her criteria if I’m right and her preferences are based on education and career.
    This is in the news ALL of the time.  I’m surprised that everyone seems so unaware of that imbalance and you just want to insist that it’s an ugly stereotype that affects us equally, because it simply doesn’t.  And I guess no one pays attention to it when it pops into the news b/c it’s a population that people aren’t trying to date or marry. Frankly, I can say it kind of sucks  to keep reading in the NY Times, CNN, and watch on Oprah that if you are a really educated black woman, you aren’t ever going to find a man.
    What surprises me more than Jae’s rather blunt approach to things is how many educated black women either remain single or date men who are dropouts, are underemployed, etc. Evan’s example in his response doesn’t surprise me at all. (I’m assuming it’s an anecdote from him real life and not just an analogy).  It takes a lot of black women a long time to realize what a silly choice they are making, and some never do get it.
    I wish Jae would write in again so the speculation would end.  She probably needs to widen her pool but it only takes one in the end. And it’s not any true statistical study or proof of anything, but my friends who finally started dating white men have had no problem getting them to commit to and marry them.  But none of them started with the requirement that he needed to be white (okay, maybe a couple looked exclusively but it wasn’t a hard and fast rule)…it was more that in their case, they put the really important traits and stopped excluding the white men and I think the numbers just worked out better because more white men had those traits.

43. DR 43

    I can understand Jae’s situation.  I’m a 34 year old black, female professional in a very male dominated field.  I’ve found over time (and mostly through work) that I get along better with white men than black men.  I find that black men with similar education/backgrounds are much more cocky than white men.
    For a number of years, I was only open to dating white men.  Yet, I was missing a little something, and that was the cultural nuances that I share with black men.  I’m still single, but I’m learning the basic attributes that I require in a mate, and these exceed race.  They include straightforwardness, good work ethic, good sense of humor, and communicative.
    Honestly, I’d prefer a tall, athletic, blond European man with the libido of a rabbit.  But what I’m mostly committed to is a sexy, communicative relationship with a man that I can laugh with and enjoy his company regardless of race.

44. Luxe 44

    I wonder how she is coming off on these dates. If she’s bring up race as an important thing right off the bat, that can be a turn off. It would be for me. I would agree that she is better off focusing on someone’s character first. Quality guys will respond to you better if you are looking at them like people versus “a Caucasian guy.”

45. Brooke 45

    A big thank you to Andrea for clarifying for everyone. Reading these comments it was clear to me that some factors were not being considered because the odds are simply different for bw.  I relate to Jae although I don’t focus on white men exclusively- I do find it frustrating that I’m approached as a “sex toy” so to speak.  There are wm who have wanted to commit to me but the vast majority of them act as if they are having some kind of experience. So much so that my filter catches them pretty early now.  Yes its and ugly reality but it is a reality.  I don’t know what Jae’s reasons are but I def. see no reason to jump down her throat as a person who gets it.

46. Rachel 46

    I really hate it when people try to overanalyze why one person wants to date a certain race of people and not another and that if they don’t want to date their own race then they have serious issues.  I’m a black woman that primarily dates white men.  I started out that way but overtime I have expanded to dating other ethnicities (Asian, Latino as well.) Because white men are the largest race in this country for dating, by default, I usually go out with White men but am open to others.  I don’t date black men because I’m not attracted to them and have always been attracted to those who were of a different race than I was.  I don’t hate myself, I love being black and I don’t need to be enrolled in some 12 step program. My attraction is my attraction, don’t overanalyze it.

    For Jae getting advice on this blog, I love EMK but I think that unless you are a black woman it is really hard for someone not of the same cultural background to give advice on this subject. I also, think that for people who aren’t minorities aren’t able to give good advice on this topic as well.  When it comes to dating, Black Women and Asian men are on the bottom of the “desirability” dating list and the dynamics of us dating are very different from most people. EMK stated that woman are women but in America women are treated very differently in dating and online according to their ethnicity. I would encourage Jae to look at tons of blogs that discuss Black Female Interracial Marriage and blogs like Beyond Black and White that give advice on topics like this.
    MY ADVICE FOR JAE WOULD BE:
    If what you are doing is not working I would look at changing some of your techniques to see if you can make things change YOUR way.
    1) Your Standards- Keep them high but realistic.  I always hate when they tell us women to lower our standards and settle.  It seems that especially for Black Women we are told settle just so we can find a man.  (Yes, Ivy League grad, you should be open to dating the shoe sales man as long as he’s a good man!)  Jae, you know how if your expectations are too high? If you have NEVER met a man that could fulfill your criteria.  I have high standards as well, but I have met 3-4 men in real life that could meet them, so it is achievable.  I have a list personally five non-negotiable traits that a guy must have.  If he doesn’t have those traits I walk away. Know what traits the guy has to have for a relationship to work with you. 
    2) You as a product- I always see myself as a product.  An AMAZING one at that.  But in someplace like the US just because the color of the package, people won’t want to buy the amazing product that is inside.  I also like to look at it in terms of market supply and demand.  There maybe a low demand for your product but in other countries there maybe higher demand.  Since it sounds like you are in the U.K. I would look at dating men in Germany, France, Italy, Spain and even place like Ireland, Norway and Sweden.  Once again, this info is all on the BF IR blogs, but there are lots of black women who have had success with dating and marrying men there.  In some places you will be seen as exotic but in others they will just treat you just like a normal woman and will approach you as a normal woman.
    3) For dating at home in the UK I would change your approach.  It sounds like you are meeting and dating men but are not able to take it to the “relationship status”. 
                a) In your profiles I would suggest putting in that you are looking for marriage.
                b) Make sure the man knows that you are looking for a LTR eventually leading to marriage.
    c) Only have sex with them after you agreed you are in a committed relationship.
    I thinking doing a and b, when a man goes on date, he knows what you are expecting out of the relationship. And with C, if he didn’t get the message, then he’ll drop by the wayside when he doesn’t “get the goods”. Jae also needs to do better screening of men at the first encounter.  I’ve tuned my radar and know when a guy who is asking me out on a date during the first meeting he shows he has a fetish , (i.e. telling me how he loves black women or always wanted to date a black women, etc.)  For those men stay away, if he approaches you like a normal woman that is a good sign too.
    I think once you know what you want and how to filter them, it’s only a matter of time to find the guy.  Being a black woman dating just white men is going to be a little harder so you have to cast you net wider.
    4) Expand your search options- looking at Interracial dating sites such as afroromance.com or interracialmatch .com.  If you use match.com make sure to put that you are “open to dating all race” as it will make you sound more IR friendly.  If you are only attracted to white men go for it, but also consider looking at dating Latino, Asian, etc. men as well to even add more men to your search pool.
    Black women have horrible response rates online (OKCupid blogged  all about this).  Response rates to our ads are lower than what they should be for a statically norm (no surprise).  So while I do use online dating, especially being a black female you need to get out there and do in person activities (meetup.com, professional organizations/events, get invited to house parties, speed dating, go to a professional pub if there’ such a thing, etc.). EMK blogged about this but certain groups of people do better offline then online.  Once I started getting offline, I was able to meet many more professional white males who were actually interested in dating and committing to me.  It’s not easy, but then again neither is being a black woman! I’m sure what you are looking for is out there!
    HTH-
    Rachel

47. Karl R 47

    Rachel said: (#46)
    “I have high standards as well, but I have met 3-4 men in real life that could meet them, so it is achievable.”
    
    3-4 acceptable men over what time period? Did any of those find you similarly acceptable?

    Let’s assume 5% of all high-quality men are interested in a long-term relationship with you. Let’s assume you’re meeting 4 men per year who you find acceptable. That gives you an 18.5% chance of meeting a mutually acceptable man each year [100%-(100%-5%)^4=18.55%]. After 8 years, you’ll have an 80% chance of meeting someone mutually acceptable.

    If you’re only meeting 4 acceptable men over a 5 year time-span, you have a 4% chance of meeting an acceptable man in a given year. After 17 years you’ll have a 50% chance of meeting someone mutually acceptable.

    If you’re only meeting 4 acceptable men over a 10 year time-span, it will take you about 20 years to have a 33% chance of meeting a mutually acceptable man.

    I agree with your assessment. It is achievable. But depending at what rate you’re meeting acceptable men, it might become a very difficult achievement.

48. Rachel 48

    @Karl (#47)

    The guys that I have met have been in the past one year.  Out of four of them, only one found me “acceptable” and we had discussed (in a totally non-creepy way) how he had dated women of color in the past and was very comfortable with it.  We didn’t go on a second date however.  Anyhow, for the other 3 guys, I know they either found me interesting or were attracted to me from how we were talking but frankly I know the reason it did not move forward was because I was Black. I know especially with some white guys they feel the attraction but are afraid to act on it because of whatever issue (fear of cultural differences, what other people may say, etc.)  It really sucks to know that you do meet matches and you know the only reason why they won’t ask you out if because of the color of your skin and that if you were white you would at least be dating.  But that’s the reality of being a Black woman in America trying to date interracially.
    That’s why I’m strongly considering trying to relocate to Europe.  I’m not saying that there isn’t racism or Europe is some paradise but I feel that in some countries there, they treat all women well…just like women.  It’s not the fact that I’m a 9 and I have all of this education, class, and sophistication and should have all these men coming up to me.  It’s just I would love to be in a country where I’m treated just like an normal woman on an even playing field and where yes, men look at your looks and the package but it’s not like, “she’s a eight and is pretty but she’s black”. Just where a 5 is a 5 and a 7 is a 7 no matter what you color is .  If that were the case in the US I think I would have found my mate while back.  But I don understand that America is very race conscious, so this is something I have to deal with being a Black women who dates interracially in America.
    Given you statistics, you could say that after 4 years I have a 40% chance of meeting a match. Let’s compromise a say 50%.  If I need to wait 4 years to have a 50% chance of meeting my ideal mate, that I’ll wait 4 years or even 8 years.  If we are talking about marrying the one that you want to be with for the rest of your life, than I would rather wait then marry the wrong person.  Of course, that is why I’m looking at moving to another location to increase those ratios.  I have also expanded my social circles as well and done more offline actitives as of recent which I hope will help those chances.  Also, I’m always working hair, clothes and weight to help perfect the packaging.  I can complain all I want on this board about race, men and IR dating in America but like EMK has said, just because a situation is unfair doesn’t mean it will change.  The only thing I can change is myself and what I do.
     

49. SS 49

    I’m a black woman. I’m married to a Caucasian man.  So I think I can speak from experience on this one.
     
    Yes, there are some Caucasian men who only want to experiment with black women. Here’s what you do… DON’T DATE THEM. As soon as you get the idea that those men are NOT looking for something serious, then move on.
    I’ve probably dated more Caucasian men than most black women (not by deliberate choice… I was simply around them more), and they ran the gamut. Some were recently out of a marriage and were clearly into dating (but not committing to) all the types of women they might never have dated when they were much younger. Others were very serious… one told his daughter about me and wanted me to meet her. He was ready to pay for a trip to visit him, but I was the one uninterested in him. However, I have no doubt that this Caucasian man (and Jewish to boot) would probably have been willing and ready to make a serious commitment to me if our relationship progressed.
    Just as you would do with black men (or men of any other race), if you’re dating a white guy, pay attention to see if he’s showing the signs of being commitment minded before you get deep into infatuation with him. Is he trying to include you in his life? Is he telling his family and friends about you? Is he introducing you to family?
    And STOP with the racial conversations with random white people about why white men won’t marry black women en masse. Who cares? Stop focusing on them and playing this, “Woe is me the black woman who no one wants.” And also STOP with the silly “Why do black men get to date all the Caucasian women they want while I can’t date all the Caucasian men I want?” When did this become a competition? If you want to date and only marry Caucasian men (which is your absolute right and I’m not criticizing that), then stop worrying about what black men are doing!
    Like Evan always says, like the men who like you back. I’m sure there are PLENTY of Caucasian men around you who would be more than willing to commit to you… but are THEY the ones you’re looking for? Or would you rather waste time with the ones who see you as a curiosity and DON’T want to commit to you?
    I don’t care if the vast majority of white men don’t want to get serious with black women. There are enough white men who ARE willing to do so to be more than enough for the number of black women who are interested. There are more white men than black women in this country anyway, so I’m sure you could find ONE who wants to marry you, if you stop focusing on those who don’t… and stop wasting time with the “jungle fever” types.

50. SS 50

    I wish I could edit posts!
     
    I just read many of the comments, and I have to say that I find it interesting that so many people were bothered by the fact that Jae said that she did not date black men. I don’t know her and I won’t make a comment one way or the other about this, but I do find in general that black women get MUCH more heat than women of other races do for saying that they won’t date the men of their own race… and black women are probably the least likely to say that!
    Asian women have the highest intermarriage rates in the US and it’s cool for white guys to talk about how much they dig Asian women. I hear Asian women say without even hesitating how they will only date white guys, but NO ONE EVER calls them self-hating, racist or anything like that. Does anyone question black men about this? How many white women are horrified when a black man tells them how much he prefers them over black women? Do these white women recoil and call those black men racist, or do they lap up the attention and accept a date from that man?
    Some of these same Asian women too will say that they would never date a black man because of family issues, lack of attraction, etc. Does anyone call them racist for that? Rarely. Wonder why?
    I don’t want to hear any white men, women, etc., psychoanalyzing a black woman who chooses to date out of her race exclusively. If one wants to say that she should open up her choices to black men, Hispanic men, etc., for the purpose of having more options, fine… but unless all of us can honestly say that we have NO racial preference whatsoever in our mates and hold no stereotypes about people of our own race or a different race that influences our dating decisions, then we’re being hypocritical telling black women how “self-hating” they are if they choose not to tell black men.
     
    Back to Jae… I agreed with the poster who said to stop asking white men about their experience dating black women. You are already putting negative vibes out there by jumping the gun and making assumptions about a man without getting to know them first. I know that my husband said that he was pleasantly surprised that I didn’t ask him if he had dated black women before when we met for our first date… he said to ask that question (and the answer was no) would have placed him in a position where he might have come off as suspect if he told the truth, and then I might have improperly judged him as a “jungle fever” candidate, when he simply was a man who wanted to meet a woman he considered attractive and she happened to be black. By simply seeing him as a man, it allowed him to show me on his own whether or not he was serious, and then LATER, we were able to have racial discussions about our families, children, etc.
    I think too many black women shoot themselves in the foot on interracial dates by wanting to interrogate a white man about his “intentions.” And then if the answer is not a good one, then said woman starts building up this idea in her mind that no non-black men want black women because after all, the guys she dated said as much.
    So again, I would simply say that if the Caucasian-men only path is the one you want to follow, change your technique. Read some interracial dating blogs geared toward black women and get some tips. Change your attitude and for black women in general, stop with the whole “bottom of the totem pole,” “not the standard of beauty” sob fest.
    Society is what it is. Stop focusing on that and focus on what you can control… which is learning how to find the type of men that would be the ones that would commit to you.

51. Andrea 51

    Frankly, I’m surprised that Jae is sticking around for what sounds like obvious fetishists but maybe it comes from her determination to have a white man at all costs.  It makes me wonder if despite her goal of having a white man, whether she has any experience with them.  There are clearly nice white men who will like her for her and not as an experiment, but it’s odd that she’s not running for the hills when she meets people who want to play around.  Does she think it could lead to more?  That never works.
    I think she can get what she wants, but just like any of the women who write in here for advice, she needs to change her approach, and move on if she gets creepy vibes (just like she’s be advised if she thought the guy was a player, or was disrespecting her, or keeping her around as a spare).
    I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but I felt compelled to chime in on a blog that is probably largely population by white(or at the very least, non-black) readers b/c of the assumptions that they seemed to have about Jae and her choices, and like you, for their criticisms in calling her the “R” word.  It’s so funny, b/c if the tables were turned, they’d bristle at the accusation but I find that the word is lobbed at us quite frequently. Also, whether anyone who isn’t black wants to admit it or not, we do find ourselves with different challenges that no amount of positive thinking can erase.
    I think any well-educated,professional black woman who wants an equally well-educated mate HAS to be open to dating men of other races, and yes, I felt compelled to explain that someone who has maybe decided to look only for white men isn’t necessarily doing it b/c she considers them to be better or because she hates herself as a black person, even though it might look like that to someone from the outside.
    I felt it was important to chime in b/c her position and perspective is so poorly understood.  I mean, in my opinion, a lot of people write in talking about how hot they are and how hard they have it while dating, and I just felt that the comments about having a big ego weren’t lobbed at them nearly as harshly as they were at Jae.  Normally, the people who brag about being 10′s and who are 45 but can pass for 20 but who can’t find a man are first complimented on the fact that being a 10 is going to now make the job of finding a man easier, provided that they change the approach since you can’t change the men.
    And in my opinion, that’s the advice that Jae needs to hear, but it’s also true that she should think about the fact that for the market that she’s trying to enter, her stock is on average considerably lower.   So unlike some of the articles about pitying the pretty women who can’t get to the altar, she should think about the fact that a black 10 might only be a 5 for men of other races.  She might be lobbying to get dates with David Beckham but she might just have to settle for a Ricky Gervais with a nice personality.  That’s not whining.  It’s just a fact.
    Acknowledging our differences and adding our perspective is valid, esp. when I see it reflected so little here.  Although I will say that what is said here still resonates more with me that what I see in black publications and of course the black church’s approach that anything the man wants is okay and you should be fine with it because he is the man and therefore king.
    It’s hard to know what she wants…the white skin or maybe the resume. If it’s the latter, she should focus on that irrespective of race and she’ll probably be pleased with the results.  If it’s the former, well, it’s her choice and I’m not going to criticize it for the reasons that you mentioned since no one comments on Asian women who chase white men for their features.
    And hopefully she reads ALL of these comments because there is a lot of good advice for her, (you figure, not drilling man about his past with black woman falls under the category of just not drilling a man with questions too soon anyway-your answer about whether he’ll commit to a black woman will come if she sticks around and makes you part of his world; also, my friends also found the lack of questions regarding the scarf also were signs that there had other black women in the past so they never bothered to ask if they were the first or tenth black woman).
    I did think the initial comments were so critical and harsh about her choices that it was less likely that she’d give an update if she didn’t read something else here either.

52. Joe 52

    While there may be things wrong with her or an attitude adjustment, you are missing the significant real world problems that Black Women face.  Particularly with Black Men who are players, cannot commit, cheat on them, and may not have jobs.  A professional Black Woman wants a reliable professional, and most professional Black Men meet and date a lot of professional White Women, leaving Black women in the cold.  This Smart, Educated, Professional Black Woman wants help finding and keeping her White Boyfriends and turning them into husbands.  One, she should just get off the pill and get pregnant because if a White man is just using her for sex, he should be mentally ready to have a baby.  Second, its the White Man’s fault for caving into Society’s prejudice against Black People, and fearing He will lose social status or his family will disapprove.  This Black Woman wants and needs a way to re-assure her White Boyfriends that she is “Wife” material, can be a “good mother” and that the “couple” will survive together despite society’s prejudices.  She needs to convey to the White Boyfriend that inte-racial children are acceptable and that their Love and Relationship can stand the test of time.

53. Ayeanna 53

    I’m a black woman who has dated mostly white men and have been in a 3 year relationship with one – an Aussie.  I’d say 99% of the men I’ve dated were white save my ex who was of mixed race.  I love being black and have no problem with my heritage, I’ve dreads, I’ve been a advocate in the community, know my history and where I came from and I think black men are damn sexy.  I’m attracted to and open to all but just have had the experience of dating white men and I will admit that that is where my attraction lies / has been the strongest.  But as SS said, it’s been interesting reading everyone’s opinion about what race she wants to date and being quite negative about it.  

    Maybe let’s try to focus on what the real problem is…

    Jae doesn’t have a problem with her heritage – she likes what she likes and is attracted to that, why should she have to open up and go outside of that if outside of that isn’t what gets her going?  Jae has a problem with the men she choses and as others have pointed out her attitude and ego.  I think she’d do good by having someone help her find a entirely different type of guy because seems like her radar is completely off when it comes to picking winners.  Going outside of the race she wants won’t equal a good partner it might just equal another partner she’s incompatible with.

    I guess the only thing left I had to say if Jae still reads this – if a man… ANY MAN, says to you that you’re their fetish… run for the hills.  He’s telling you right then and then what role you’ll be playing in his life.  I guess that goes for anyone who dates outside of their race.

54. Hope 54

    I whole heartedly agree with SS #50′s posts, mostly because I was (or, somewhat, still am) Jae.  I’m an African American woman who has exclusively dated men outside of my race the past 15 years; primarily Caucasian men, but mostly only because that’s just how things worked out.

    I find men of all colors attractive, but at some point in my life, the things I’ve learned and the interests I’ve had and the hobbies I have come to love seem to lead me to connecting with men outside of my race. I’ll avoid discussing any of the usually mentioned issues of/about/when it comes to the Black male.  I may have not dated them the past decade, but I’ve never spoken ill of them either, as I do love the men of color in my life who are prime examples of what a (Black) man should be all about.  However, when I was younger I was called “weird” or “Trying to be white” by men of color I dated because my interests or way of speaking or likes didn’t fall inside some box most men of color I knew felt comfortable with. And, at some point, I just began to exclusively gravitate emotionally and sexually to men of other races, although I had ALWAYS dated men of all colors. My first boyfriend at at 13 was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed young man. 

    However, my issue is I’ve been single almost ten years and rarely date (not really asked), mostly due to some of the frustration that Jae communicated in her post.  Either they show no interest at all or, if they do, you’re quickly called things like “chocolate” or “mocha” in messages and asked “Do you date White men?” (which irritates me, because it’s an antiquated and irritating question) and viewed as someone they’d love to hang out with and have sex with, but not commit themselves to in any way.  I have only guessed, in my history, it is because I’m Black.

    But, something happened this year.  I met a man of color that I was immediately attracted to. We seemed to share the same interests, the same type of communication, the same hobbies, the same career paths, the same traits.  I think we’re even the same sign. However, I made note that he is bi-racial (Black and White). I began to realize that the type of man I’ve been running from for so long is actually the type of man I need to date in order to find true connection beyond favorite albums and favorite books and fun sex positions like I did with White men.   While not a necessity, it did strike me that being a bi-racial Black man lead me to feel more of a connection with him than any non-Black man I’ve dated or “kinda dated” over the past fifteen years. I think his being biracial helped me find a man I connected with both mentally and sexually, as well as make me feel as though we share a common background through one of his parents. 
    And while I still have my preference for tall blonde men with green eyes (something I feel Jae is 100% owed and due without any judgments or labels as racist or self-hating) I do certainly understand the importance of being open to any man, despite his ethnicity. It took me over a decade of singleness to understand it. I believe Jae will too and, if she doesn’t, it’s ok and not our place to judge.  Because, as SS states, just like Caucasian men who date Asian women exclusively and unapologetically or Black men who date Caucasian women without being called racists or bigots, Jae has her preference and we should all respect her and respect them.

    She simply has to find a way to better weed out with these Caucasian men who are only seeing, and caring (or choosing not to her for her because of) her color. That’s exactly what I’m doing as we speak.

55. SS 55

    Hope, great response and congratulations on your new love interest! I hope it works out for you two!
     
    I was also single for 10 years (even though I dated frequently) and I’m sure that my options were limited to a degree by my race. I did date black men, but contrary to what Evan stated, I found that I didn’t have a greater likelihood of finding marriage with them because of our similar racial backgrounds. Some simply were not interested in marriage for another 10 years or so and yes, some simply were not interested in dating black women.

    I tried to limit my exposure to the non-black men who wanted only “chocolate fantasies” and I actually found I did better dating Caucasian men that I met “in real life” versus online, and found better luck with black men online versus “in real life.” Ultimately, i married a Caucasian man I met in real life, but I made sure to pay attention to his behavior early (as I would with any man) to make sure of his intentions. I still would have been open to black men (or other men) as well… because as you said, you never know when you could discover that what you’ve been looking for all along came in a package that wasn’t your initial preference!

56. m 56

    Jae -
    What you want is a QUALITY man, irrespective of race.
    That said, you may need advice a little more subtle than what you’ve received here.
    Evan’s advice, while potentially useful as far as it goes, doesn’t quite cover the nuances of dating in a racist society (and, FTM, racist world).
    (Also, just from what I’ve read, your approach may need to be a touch more subtle as well — just from the way you write, I have a sneaking feeling there are some more concepts you may want to give some thought as you hone your approach.)
    If you Google “quality man” and “interracial”, you may find some things that may supplement the material you find here.
    Best of luck to you.

57. m 57

    ” most men, particularly white men, would not want to marry a black woman”
    This may well be numerically accurate in the US — after all, there are more white people in the US than black, so there would be more white men than black women, so if all those men were polled, that proposition might well play out — but I think it’s a distortion as a statement.
    There are a lot of white men paired with black women who are kept out of the media spotlight (for reasons I won’t get into now).
    Wolfgang Puck (Spago, Granita) is married to a black woman.
    Peter Norton (Norton Securities – you know, on your computer?) is married to a black woman.
    The Princess of Lichtenstein is a black woman, as is one of the Baronesses of Monaco.
    Former Secretary of Defense William Cohen is married to Janet Langhart, also black.
    And then, of course, there’s Iman and David Bowie.
    It happens far more often than people realize.  It’s just not brought out — or, rather, it’s de-emphasized — in the common media.
     

58. A-L 58

    Several posters have commented about the availability of comparable black men and women. I was interested to see what the differential was, so I went on to Match.com. The basic search was for blacks, ages 26-40, with a bachelor’s degree or higher, no kids, and within 35 miles of New Orleans.

    39 men met the qualifications
    77 women met the same qualifications

    Same parameters were used for Atlanta, considered a mecca for black professionals.

    617 men met the criteria
    1316 women met the criteria

    And in San Francisco

    222 men met the criteria
    315 women met the criteria

    In two of the three areas, half of black women would not have a “comparable” male equivalent, and in the other one third would be left out in the cold.

    I then took race out of the equation, and just searched for individuals 26-40 who had at least a college degree and no children.

    New Orleans (same 35 mile radius as before)

    610 men met the criteria
    506 women met the criteria

    Atlanta (10 mile radius was needed to get below 2000+ hits):

    969 men met the criteria
    1233 women met the criteria

    San Francisco: couldn’t do, everything was 2000+ results even when it was down to a 2 mile radius

    The population-at-large in these two metropolitan areas shows a much more even split between males and females, improving women’s odds significantly of finding a comparable mate.

    Just a little FYI.

59. Tia 59

    hmm wow, yeah that was a rant lol. and i think she made Black women look desperate. date who you want but don’t expect white men to  be the magic pill and want to marry you.. They are just men my dear, i can tell you that, men are men and they all have their faults and hangups like the rest of us humans. 

    Do not exclude  whole race of men, what if ur mensch turns out to a black guy, or an asian guy or an arab guy.   I do understand some of the racial components in this letter as a black woman, but a man is usually VERY quick to show u thats all he wants and you can move on b4 you ever sleep with him. He will make it known  most of the time. Luckily ,  I have not had this problem with the White guys i have dated. I have had that experience more with Asian Latino, Indian. etc. go figure. I think Evan is right, she needs to be a bit more humble and start looking at people for people, not just mr. white knight and start focusing on the man underneath.

60. J.A. 60

    @ M:  I agree that the media doesn’t really promote WM/BF relationships as much as BM/WF relationships.  Why do you think that is though?  I think it’s because for whatever reason, BM/WF coupling is seen as more fashionable in the media.  What does everybody else think?

61. Nicole 61

    @J.A. #60…I think that even in 2011, there is still the forbidden fruit and Mandingo angle to consider.  
    White men have always been able to date or sleep with whomever they wanted.  So while the idea of an up front, in the open, committed relationship between a BW/WM might seem novel, this kind of coupling has been happening in North America for centuries. 
    I also think the WW/BM combo fits into the paradigm of the white women being the pinnacle of beauty.  It “makes sense” to people. 
    And of course, there is just the fact that there are far more black men, let alone famous or wealthy black men, who are married to white women than the other way around. 
    I was hoping that having an amazing black woman in the white house would raise our profile, but alas, it has not.

    @A.L.  It would take more time, but you should filter on the number of college educated men of ANY race who exclude black women from their list of racial preferences.  You figure, looking tops down already shows a dismal picture, but when you factor in all of the men, black or otherwise who list that they don’t want to hear from black women, it gets even worse.  (But that doesn’t stop them from emailing you asking for sex).

62. A-L 62

    RE: J.A.‘s #60
     
    Sadly, I think that Nicole is on the right track.  1) White women are considered the pinnacle of beauty (therefore desirable by all).  2) For whatever the reason, black women as a whole aren’t considered that attractive by society, and therefore their social value is diminished.  (Whether it’s because of physical characteristics or the domineering black female representations common in the media, who knows.)  3) There is a history in the U.S. where sexual relations with black women is fine, but due to their lower social value, no commitment is desired by the male.
     
    RE: Nicole‘s #61
     
    I went on Match, and doing a search as you suggested is a bit difficult.  But reverse match is the closest thing I can do.  This was for a 30 year old, college-educated, Christian female with no kids who put maybe/not sure if she wanted more kids.
     
    In New Orleans
    White only woman: 1766 reverse matches
    Black and white woman: 1783 reverse matches (but really 1439*)
    Black only woman: 1456 reverse matches
     
    When I changed my zipcode to Atlanta, I had 2000+ reverse matches in each category, so that wasn’t particularly helpful.  Perhaps if someone is better at using Match to figure out the answers to Nicole’s questions, they can pipe in here.
     
    I will say that it’s interesting that there are about 1780 guys who would be interested, but only 610 of them are college-educated without kids.  Gives us a clue about how discriminating we really are.
     
    *Note about how Match works.  By clicking black and white, if a person clicks everything but black, he would pop up in my profile because I clicked white.  Ditto for a guy who didn’t want white women, so long as he was willing to date blacks.  So the mixed race number is actually less than shown.  If a guy’s only willing to date one of my races but not the other, it’s not going to work.

63. J.A. 63

    @Nicole

    The problem with the mandingo angle is this- it’s a myth that BM have the largest genitalia.  There is no statistical proof the race correlates with penis size.  That doesn’t stop BM and WW who like BM from thinking it does though. 

    Plus, and I know this isn’t very PC, but most non-celebrity WW/BM couples I see- the WW is usually unattractive.  Perhaps it’s because she knows most WM won’t date her and because a lot of BM would?  Like Chris Rock says: “BM will date ANY WW!”  The one WW I know who likes BM is average looking at best.

64. Nicole 64

    @J.A.  At no point did I say that black men had the largest genitalia.  It’s a stereotype, and it’s one that benefits them.  It’s amazing how widespread the belief is.  Funny that you jumped to that conclusion b/c of my reference.  That’s all about you and not me. 

    Regardless of the supposed size of black men’s genitalia, black men AND women are viewed as being hypersexual by some people.  There has always been this idea that we are these wild, oversexed creatures.  For men, in the dating game this is a plus. It means that women of other races will be curious and more attracted to you. For women, you’ll get crude messages asking for a hookup from people who don’t think it’s a problem asking you for sex while insisting that they’d never want to date you(which says so much about what they think we are like). 

    I don’t think that anyone who has sexual interest in black men ever complains or notices that they aren’t really any different from other men.  That’s how fetishes and stereotypes work.  If you don’t fit one, people dont’ stop believing them.  And the one person who fits is is taken as “proof” that it’s true for everyone.

    People fetishize Asian women the same way.   For some people, all Asian women are “hot” and the relative attractiveness or unattractiveness doesn’t matter.  People think black men are really “big” and if they find one who isn’t they’ll just brush it off as an anomaly or maybe not even notice.

    I don’t make the rules and I certainly didn’t create these stereotypes and please don’t accuse me of writing things that I never even wrote.

    @A.L.- Thanks to the internet, you can find a lot of places where people feel free to state all of the things that they think are true about black women, and none of them are EVER good.  And as I’d mentioned previously, when people believe in negative stereotypes, they frequently see/hear those things whenever they see a black women.  No matter how attractive, poised, or educated she is, they still see the same thing when they see her.  Or they assume she’s one of the about five black women in America who isn’t loud and uneducated and mother to a bunch of kids by different men. 

    Well, I live in an area where a lot of the men (who otherwise claim to be very liberal), largely exclude black women from their preferences.  A lot of men either have “Asian or White” or everything but black checked.  It means I dislike and consider the services that don’t make racial preferences visible to be a waste of time and money.    And yes, I hate when those people turn up in my matches b/c I would NEVER contact someone who put that or respond to people who put it (b/c you know, they will ask for sex or decide perhaps that you don’t fit the stereotype or are otherwise cute and still try to “chat”).  The flip side is that you rarely find a black man who lists a racial preference (unless it’s to state that he only wants to hear from non-black women).

65. J.A. 65

    @Nicole:  I didn’t mean to accuse you of saying something you didn’t say.  I actually didn’t know what the word “mandingo’ meant and looked it up haha!  From there I guess I just misinterpeted what you were trying to say.  A lot of the points you just said make a lot of sense.  There are too many people who are attracted to certain people for the wrong reasons.

66. Nicole 66

    @J.A.  Oh, no problem.

    Just funny that the stereotype makes dating so easy for black men but so impossible for black women and unfortunate that it makes men think that any black women can be asked for sexual favors (that I guess their ancestors would have just taken).  So sad that in 500 years that is all of the progress we have made.

67. m 67

    “1) White women are considered the pinnacle of beauty (therefore desirable by all).  2) For whatever the reason, black women as a whole aren’t considered that attractive by society, and therefore their social value is diminished.  ”

    That’s not an accident.

    And since J.A. directed the question at me instead of Nicole, I’ll respond that I certainly have my theories.

    There is a lot more exposure in the media of the “Tyler Perry or Eddie Murphy dressed as caricature of black woman” than there are roles for a Gabrielle Union or Kerry Washington.

    Zoe Saldana opened two of the biggest films of 2009, Avatar and the Star Trek reboot, and she didn’t  get even half the media exposure of, say, a  Blake Lively.

    It all boils down to the competition for mates that those who are considered – I’ll repeat, considered, which boils down to perception, which can be deliberately shaped - the pinnacle of beauty don’t want. 

    So that is why I think this

    “@ M:  I agree that the media doesn’t really promote WM/BF relationships as much as BM/WF relationships. “

    is. 

68. Jadafisk 68

    I don’t think it is easy for black men. They get turned down *a lot* when attempting to date interracially. According to the OKC data, they get massacred re: online response rates. Their stereotypes make them sound like horrible prospective husbands/fathers, and they deal with the overall social stigmatization of blacks as well – the rate of interracial pairings that involve blacks of either gender is exceedingly low, especially considering our population size relative to that of other minority groups. The idealization of black male characteristics, real or stereotypical, is largely happening within the black community.
     
    63. “Plus, and I know this isn’t very PC, but most non-celebrity WW/BM couples I see- the WW is usually unattractive. Perhaps it’s because she knows most WM won’t date her and because a lot of BM would? ”
     
    But… I’ve noticed the same about white male partners of black women, as well. While I don’t date white men (just never happened, for a variety of reasons including the one at hand), I find a wide variety of them appealing, so it’s pretty shocking that I virtually never find the white men I’ve seen with black women attractive. The ones that message me online are about a standard deviation less attractive than the minority men who do, often older and larger, as well. I give white guys a fair shot, but I’m  unwilling to play status exchange.

69. Greg 69

    @Karl
    Thanks for being one of the few people who makes sense on this board.  Even though you’re white and wouldn’t understand all the issues of the black community, your advice makes perfect sense.  Jae is a giant hypocrite.  She is upset that white men can’t see past her race, when she can’t see past race herself.  And many black women posters on here have a definite complex.  Just because you’re a woman with a degree doesn’t make you better than black men. You may claim that “most” black men don’t have jobs, are players or some other stereotype, but men could claim that you as a black woman are likely to be bossy, loud, manly or overweight.  Statistics prove that on average black women are more likely to be overweight, have STD’s and have out of wedlock children.  Based on these statistics would it be fair to exclude every black woman?  Would it be fair to assume that white women are better since they on average have less of these problems? Of course not.  Do you see how ugly stereotypes can be.  I thought we were supposed to judge people by character and not skin color.

    I know a black girl just like Jae.  She told me she liked me, especially how I treated her and that I had all the qualities I was looking for.  We became very close and I even though she would be the one I’d marry. However, she couldn’t see past my skin color.  She really wanted to marry someone white.  Her choice.  Now she continues to be rejected by the same men she chases, many of whom have treated her poorly and used her.  I used to feel bad for her and was even hurt and upset at one point, but not anymore because she’s being foolish.  How can you be upset that white men don’t give you a fair shot when you refuse to give other men a fair chance?  People are people. Each group has their own issues, but in the end we’re all the same regardless of skin color.  

    Like Karl I would run from someone who wanted to be with me primarily because of my race and the perception that came along with it.  I want someone to love me for the person I am, not what I look like or my race.  Jae you are shallow and its sad.  Follow Evan’s advice.  Stop looking at race first and start looking at character.  Only then will you find happiness.

70. Greg 70

    Even though people have been reluctant to use the R word to describe the letter writer I will. It is 100% OK to have preferences, but it is racist to view people as unworthy simply based on skin color.

71. Latoya 71

    Wow, all she said was she did not find black men attractive. So all black women have to be attracted to black men?

    If so, let’s all agree to like men if your men and women lets all like women. Let’s all not have a physical preference. Let’s all just put a bag over our heads and date whoever has the best personality. Only in a creul world. She has a preference, white guys.

    Evan, you just don’t understand. I mean, do you find every black, white, Asian and Indian man and woman you come across attractive? If so, your probably a freak of nature. No one would be on this site if we did not have a PHYSICAL preference.

72. Saint Stephen 72

    @Latoya
    I find women of all race attractive if they are attractive as an individual- not because of their skin color which has no bearing on looks.
     
    If the LW has a strong preference for white men, to the extent of ruling out all black men of her race- she should go for it. But mind you, she wouldn’t have written to Evan if she was successful in getting her strongly preferred white men to commit to her.
     
    Furthermore, just as she has a preference for white men- so do white men have a stronger preference for women of their own race.

73. Greg 73

    Latoya your comment makes no sense.  You obviously didn’t read the entire article.  There’s a difference between having a preference and completely ruling out every man on the planet who doesn’t have white skin without even getting to know them.  Men are men, no matter what the skin color.  And you can’t make a certain group of people want you, so you sometimes have to expand you options beyond your strict preferences.  That was Evan’s point.  
    Example, I personally prefer women with big breasts and long hair.  This doesn’t mean I exclude women who have short hair or small breasts.  That would cause me to drastically limit my dating pool superficially.  And there would be nothing I could do to make the limited pool of girls like me, not to mention my shallowness would be readily apparent.
    The letter writer also seems like she has some personal problems that are readily apparent to the men she wants to date. She can’t even see her own hypocrisy.  She’s mad that white men won’t commit to her because she’s black, but at the same time she refuse to date anyone who isn’t white. The article said it best:
    Learn to give men a chance, even if they’re not your type. After all, don’t you want a bunch of Caucasian men to give YOU a chance even if you’re not THEIR type?
     

74. Greg 74

    The letter writer reminds me of a black girl I’ll call Tanya I know who’s in her early twenties.  She was only willing to be friends with black men, but desperately pursued white men who were unwilling to commit to her.  I didn’t know this was the case when I met her.  We developed a close friendship, she liked me and we soon were seeing each other regularly and even travelling together.  When I told her that I wanted to become serious, she told me that she only wanted to have me as a friend. However, I eventually found out that she still wanted to pursue a white man that she had met before me.  He had made it clear that he only wanted her for a casual relationship and she always complained about how he had hurt her and was selfish. He also had a drinking problem and was involved with other women. I was very hurt and couldn’t understand why she would do that.  All of her sisters were married to white men, and she had a terrible relationship with her absentee dad and other male relatives.  She also had bought into the negative stereotypes of black men despite being black herself.  It seemed that she felt white was automatically better.

    I showed a picture of Tanya with her old guy to some 3 of my female friends in another city when I was hanging out with them getting over the pain.  One friend was black, one white and one mixed.  The all told me to cut Tanya off immediately.  They all agreed that her old guy was very unattractive, and that Tanya was exactly like another girl they knew, who only cared to date white men regardless of how they treated her and wouldn’t commit; even when much better options of other races were available.  Its very apparent that Tanya and the letter writer both have serious issues.  Refusing to date someone of your own race even when you like them and know they’re a good man and desperately idealizing another race is troubling and racist.  And that’s probably why good men, both white black Asian etc. are scared away from Tanya and the letter writer.

75. Greg 75

    Oh and I forgot to add that just like the letter writer she was extremely beautiful.  I’ve never been that strongly attracted to any woman. And she even told me that she had “high standards.”  This letter hits really close to home.  It’s almost like her and the letter writer are the same person.

76. Ken 76

    Maybe, you’re putting too much emphasis on phsical feature such as skin color and your “type”. You should just look for someone that you have more than just a physical connection with. By the way, I am a white man that no only committed to a black woman but has been married 5 years. I am fairly attractive as I have never had a problem getting attractive woman, so keep your head up.

77. Michelle 77

     Skin color, like body type – tall, skinny, etc- is just another factor of physical attraction that a person can have a preference for. Is a white guy called a fetishist if he has a preference for a blond white female? Never. How ridiculous would that be? But idealizing and exclusively pursuing based on ANY racial characteristic fits the definition of a fetish. So yes, a white man who exclusively pursues blond white women technically has a white fetish. 
    We only get upset at other people’s mate preferences insofar as we feel rejected by them. Which is why as a black woman I’ve never had a real problem with Black men preferring to date white women, because I don’t prefer black men, although I have become more attracted to them as my attraction to more classically  masculine men has grown in general. This increase in range of what I’m attracted to will hopefully work in my favor. 
    Would I date an Asian or Indian? Hypothetically yes, but their image is not what I conjure when I think of a man I desire and want to pursue, therefore I understand what a white male who has always pursued white women may feel about a black woman. 
    Regardless of our ideals, I think Evan has demonstrated with examples from his own life and from the success stories of his clients that some criteria matters more than others and we can find the happiness with someone who is far from what we idealize.
    That is the only message that should have been directed at this woman and not the unfair and harsh criticism or her racial ideals. We all have them. Get over it. 
     

78. marymary 78

    I,d date any race. knowing someone’s race tells you nothing about them. it doesnt tell you where they were born, what language they speak, what their religion is. I have no preference for eye colour or hair colour either. I do have a soft spot for red hair though.
    i don’t recommend we all rush out and date the two-headed but I think actually, no, it’s not okay to have physical preferences if you’ve reached a certain age and still single. I,d say that your search for the physical template is blinding you to what really matters.
    And sadly the older we get the less likely we are to meet anyone,s physical ideal so we need to be flexible. It,s what inside that counts.

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