Comments on: How Do I Get Men Outside My Race To Commit To Me?

By: marymary

marymary — Sat, 15 Dec 2012 09:32:27 +0000

I,d date any race. knowing someone’s race tells you nothing about them. it doesnt tell you where they were born, what language they speak, what their religion is. I have no preference for eye colour or hair colour either. I do have a soft spot for red hair though.
i don’t recommend we all rush out and date the two-headed but I think actually, no, it’s not okay to have physical preferences if you’ve reached a certain age and still single. I,d say that your search for the physical template is blinding you to what really matters.
And sadly the older we get the less likely we are to meet anyone,s physical ideal so we need to be flexible. It,s what inside that counts.

By: Michelle

Michelle — Sat, 15 Dec 2012 02:38:22 +0000

Skin color, like body type – tall, skinny, etc- is just another factor of physical attraction that a person can have a preference for. Is a white guy called a fetishist if he has a preference for a blond white female? Never. How ridiculous would that be? But idealizing and exclusively pursuing based on ANY racial characteristic fits the definition of a fetish. So yes, a white man who exclusively pursues blond white women technically has a white fetish.
We only get upset at other people’s mate preferences insofar as we feel rejected by them. Which is why as a black woman I’ve never had a real problem with Black men preferring to date white women, because I don’t prefer black men, although I have become more attracted to them as my attraction to more classically masculine men has grown in general. This increase in range of what I’m attracted to will hopefully work in my favor.
Would I date an Asian or Indian? Hypothetically yes, but their image is not what I conjure when I think of a man I desire and want to pursue, therefore I understand what a white male who has always pursued white women may feel about a black woman.
Regardless of our ideals, I think Evan has demonstrated with examples from his own life and from the success stories of his clients that some criteria matters more than others and we can find the happiness with someone who is far from what we idealize.
That is the only message that should have been directed at this woman and not the unfair and harsh criticism or her racial ideals. We all have them. Get over it.

By: Ken

Ken — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 21:53:04 +0000

Maybe, you’re putting too much emphasis on phsical feature such as skin color and your “type”. You should just look for someone that you have more than just a physical connection with. By the way, I am a white man that no only committed to a black woman but has been married 5 years. I am fairly attractive as I have never had a problem getting attractive woman, so keep your head up.

By: Greg

Greg — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:19:01 +0000

Oh and I forgot to add that just like the letter writer she was extremely beautiful. I’ve never been that strongly attracted to any woman. And she even told me that she had “high standards.” This letter hits really close to home. It’s almost like her and the letter writer are the same person.

By: Greg

Greg — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 15:16:03 +0000

The letter writer reminds me of a black girl I’ll call Tanya I know who’s in her early twenties. She was only willing to be friends with black men, but desperately pursued white men who were unwilling to commit to her. I didn’t know this was the case when I met her. We developed a close friendship, she liked me and we soon were seeing each other regularly and even travelling together. When I told her that I wanted to become serious, she told me that she only wanted to have me as a friend. However, I eventually found out that she still wanted to pursue a white man that she had met before me. He had made it clear that he only wanted her for a casual relationship and she always complained about how he had hurt her and was selfish. He also had a drinking problem and was involved with other women. I was very hurt and couldn’t understand why she would do that. All of her sisters were married to white men, and she had a terrible relationship with her absentee dad and other male relatives. She also had bought into the negative stereotypes of black men despite being black herself. It seemed that she felt white was automatically better.

I showed a picture of Tanya with her old guy to some 3 of my female friends in another city when I was hanging out with them getting over the pain. One friend was black, one white and one mixed. The all told me to cut Tanya off immediately. They all agreed that her old guy was very unattractive, and that Tanya was exactly like another girl they knew, who only cared to date white men regardless of how they treated her and wouldn’t commit; even when much better options of other races were available. Its very apparent that Tanya and the letter writer both have serious issues. Refusing to date someone of your own race even when you like them and know they’re a good man and desperately idealizing another race is troubling and racist. And that’s probably why good men, both white black Asian etc. are scared away from Tanya and the letter writer.

By: Greg

Greg — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 15:02:10 +0000

Latoya your comment makes no sense. You obviously didn’t read the entire article. There’s a difference between having a preference and completely ruling out every man on the planet who doesn’t have white skin without even getting to know them. Men are men, no matter what the skin color. And you can’t make a certain group of people want you, so you sometimes have to expand you options beyond your strict preferences. That was Evan’s point.
Example, I personally prefer women with big breasts and long hair. This doesn’t mean I exclude women who have short hair or small breasts. That would cause me to drastically limit my dating pool superficially. And there would be nothing I could do to make the limited pool of girls like me, not to mention my shallowness would be readily apparent.
The letter writer also seems like she has some personal problems that are readily apparent to the men she wants to date. She can’t even see her own hypocrisy. She’s mad that white men won’t commit to her because she’s black, but at the same time she refuse to date anyone who isn’t white. The article said it best:
Learn to give men a chance, even if they’re not your type. After all, don’t you want a bunch of Caucasian men to give YOU a chance even if you’re not THEIR type?

By: Saint Stephen

Saint Stephen — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 06:03:24 +0000

@Latoya
I find women of all race attractive if they are attractive as an individual- not because of their skin color which has no bearing on looks.

If the LW has a strong preference for white men, to the extent of ruling out all black men of her race- she should go for it. But mind you, she wouldn’t have written to Evan if she was successful in getting her strongly preferred white men to commit to her.

Furthermore, just as she has a preference for white men- so do white men have a stronger preference for women of their own race.

By: Latoya

Latoya — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 03:01:26 +0000

Wow, all she said was she did not find black men attractive. So all black women have to be attracted to black men?

If so, let’s all agree to like men if your men and women lets all like women. Let’s all not have a physical preference. Let’s all just put a bag over our heads and date whoever has the best personality. Only in a creul world. She has a preference, white guys.

Evan, you just don’t understand. I mean, do you find every black, white, Asian and Indian man and woman you come across attractive? If so, your probably a freak of nature. No one would be on this site if we did not have a PHYSICAL preference.

By: Greg

Greg — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 13:12:23 +0000

Even though people have been reluctant to use the R word to describe the letter writer I will. It is 100% OK to have preferences, but it is racist to view people as unworthy simply based on skin color.

By: Greg

Greg — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 15:35:43 +0000

@Karl
Thanks for being one of the few people who makes sense on this board. Even though you’re white and wouldn’t understand all the issues of the black community, your advice makes perfect sense. Jae is a giant hypocrite. She is upset that white men can’t see past her race, when she can’t see past race herself. And many black women posters on here have a definite complex. Just because you’re a woman with a degree doesn’t make you better than black men. You may claim that “most” black men don’t have jobs, are players or some other stereotype, but men could claim that you as a black woman are likely to be bossy, loud, manly or overweight. Statistics prove that on average black women are more likely to be overweight, have STD’s and have out of wedlock children. Based on these statistics would it be fair to exclude every black woman? Would it be fair to assume that white women are better since they on average have less of these problems? Of course not. Do you see how ugly stereotypes can be. I thought we were supposed to judge people by character and not skin color.

I know a black girl just like Jae. She told me she liked me, especially how I treated her and that I had all the qualities I was looking for. We became very close and I even though she would be the one I’d marry. However, she couldn’t see past my skin color. She really wanted to marry someone white. Her choice. Now she continues to be rejected by the same men she chases, many of whom have treated her poorly and used her. I used to feel bad for her and was even hurt and upset at one point, but not anymore because she’s being foolish. How can you be upset that white men don’t give you a fair shot when you refuse to give other men a fair chance? People are people. Each group has their own issues, but in the end we’re all the same regardless of skin color.

Like Karl I would run from someone who wanted to be with me primarily because of my race and the perception that came along with it. I want someone to love me for the person I am, not what I look like or my race. Jae you are shallow and its sad. Follow Evan’s advice. Stop looking at race first and start looking at character. Only then will you find happiness.