How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?

How Do I Get My Conservative Boyfriend to Loosen Up Sexually?
Hi Evan! I have been seeing this fantastic guy for the last couple months. I’ll cut to the chase and say that we get along very well, I enjoy every minute I spend with him, and he treats me with nothing but kindness and respect. He calls me his girlfriend, and we’re very happy together. We have sizzling chemistry in and out of the bedroom. I couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality.

The only issue I see is kind of a big one for me. Although we have great passion and tons of fun in the bedroom, I have some fantasies that he is not quite into. I would not say I am looking for Fifty Shades of Grey to come to life before me, but I am very interested in him being more dominant. I would like to experience the whole “tie me up and blind fold me” sort of thing. I want to feel powerless with him, but only because I trust him with that power. I just want this occasionally, however, as I very much enjoy our current sex life as well.

He, however, has told me that he does not feel comfortable with exerting his will over me, and that he feels we would have to get to know each other MUCH better before he would be comfortable exploring this. He has also said that the more I bring it up to him (I admittedly do this frequently), the more he feels pressured and the less he wants to do it. I guess I’m looking for a way that we can compromise? I am very open to exploring my sexuality, and I’d really like to live out my fantasies with him.

Thanks for any insight you can provide!

Dear Holly,

Congratulations. You have a boyfriend. You have chemistry. You’re treated with kindness and respect. You couldn’t be more attracted to his looks or personality. Sounds like you hit the jackpot, huh?

Except for this “big” issue: you have some fantasies that he is not quite into.

Sorry, in my world, this is not a big issue at all.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

In fact, I would struggle to conceive of a couple that is so in sync that both parties even share the SAME fantasies.

Similar views on spending money are important.
Similar views on raising children are important.
Similar views on communication are important.
Hell, even similar views on sex are important.

But having the same FANTASIES?

Things that take place in your mind for your pleasure? And he’s supposed to be just like you?


For all you readers who may be getting upset at my tone with Holly, please, flip your genders around for a second.

Imagine a female reader who complains that her boyfriend of two months is really into anal sex. He watches anal porn. He fantasizes about anal sex. He’s only done it a few times in his life, but it’s a big part of his dream life. He acknowledges that sex is currently great, but he won’t feel satisfied until he’s going in through the out door.

What would you tell her?

I’m guessing that most of you would tell her to either run or forcefully tell the anal-obsessed boyfriend to back the hell off.

In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken.

It’s not that anal sex is bad or wrong or even an unusual fantasy, but it’s a very delicate and personal preference. And if he’s EVER going to get her to agree to it, it will happen only when she feels very open, trusting and loving to her boyfriend. This may take a year. It may take marriage. It may never happen. Some girls just don’t like anal.

So what that boyfriend would have to do is consider whether this is a tradeoff he’s willing to make – or not. Is it more important to have a perfect girlfriend who doesn’t do anal? Or is anal sex so important that he’d be willing to throw away a relationship to find it? Is it worth the risk of a more sexually adventurous girlfriend who may not have his current girlfriend’s other great qualities?

By the way, you can substitute ANY quirk for “anal sex” or “S&M”. People who are holding out for a guy with washboard abs or a woman who surfs are no different than these folks. How much do you insist that your partner has the same exact interests as you?

dealbreakers 2In my book, the more dealbreakers you have, the more deals get broken. Insist that you get a man over 6’0”, and you’ve eliminated 85% of men. Insist on a man who earns over 200K and you’ve eliminated 95% of men. I don’t know how many men are into being sexually dominant. I just know that it’s another arbitrary (but attractive) thing that you want to insist on. Only you can tell if it’s worth rocking the boat over.

But if you stay with him, you should probably wait a while before pushing the issue again. People don’t want to be sold. They want to choose to buy. If he loves you, if your sex life has gotten routine, if he wants to be the best possible pleaser, it will be in his self-interests to experiment with being more dominant. Allow him to come to these conclusions on his own and he will come to them on his own.

Push him to tie you up and gag you, and you may push him too far.

Ask any woman who’s had a guy pressure her sexually.

Join our conversation (49 Comments).
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  1. 1

    I feel in agreement the Orna Walterss words.
    it critical to say, “No” to every man who does not match your values in relationship. By doing this you send a clear message that you will not settle, and are looking for a true soul partnership and nothing less.

    “I am very open to exploring my sexuality”
    Do you know what your core inner values are?
    Do you know his?
    Do they match?
    How important is this to you?
    Depends how important exploring your sexuality is to you? It would feel important to me that the person I wanted to share my life with wanted to explore our sexuality together as a couple. And we were compatible.
    I like him would want to get to know the whole person first though.
    Communicating is always good. Better that pretending you don’t want this
    The right match for you will want to explore your sexuality with you together.
    Doesn’t sound like you know him as a person or him you yet though.
    He is telling you loud and clear that he wants know you better first.Only time will tell if you are a match.

    1. 1.1

      Hey! Actually my initial response was show him how awesome it can be to completely let go and give your control up for a mind blowing pleasurable experience.

      I am a very sexually adventurous person and my boyfriend loves tying me up (or being tied up). I actually think he likes when I am in control the most. So tell him you want to be completely free and try everything in your fantasies with eachother when you are both comfortable. Then tell him you want to tease him. First start with just restraining his arms and kissing/nibbling him all over. Then completely blow his mind. After he will understand what your so on about 😉

      1. 1.1.1
        The Goofhead

        In general terms women are more likely to be conservative in the bedroom to the point of frustration. You could sometimes feel your d#ck losing its steel due to the routine sex your partner is giving you. You sometimes wonder if she’s not thinking about the shoe sale in the department store.

        1. In Not Of

          Thank goodness for Adult Friend Finder or prostitution, no?

  2. 2

    I don’t agree with your take at all. No, two people in a relationship should not be required to share the same interests. But we’re not talking a mutual love of hiking. We’re talking about sex.
    She should tell her boyfriend what she’d like him to do to her. My guess is he’ll be into it. If he’s not, then she can decide if it’s something to overlook or not. But she should not be expected to sit passively and hope he takes the hint. If she isn’t feeling sexually fulfilled by her partner, she has every right to speak up and say something. I’m a little shocked that she’s being encouraged to keep her mouth shut for fear she might scare the guy off.

    1. 2.1

      From what I perceived, Evan’s not saying that at all. Nor is Holly saying she’s not being satisfied. She said they have chemistry in and out of the bedroom. I would like to assume that she’s at least alluding to the fact that she’s satisfied.

      I think Holly has learned to trust him– her boyfriend– completely. I just think that her boyfriend is too nervous for the responsibility of being entrusted with the whole sexual experience. I don’t know how much experience the boyfriend has but he did tell her to wait. Just because Holly’s ready doesn’t mean the boyfriend is ready for the responsibility or the experience. Sex involves a mutual consensus.

      I think Holly should just wait; she’s implanted her fantasy in his head. She should let him consider it and explore the fantasy mentally. Mind you, Holly’s had the fantasy, not the boyfriend. Just because she’s ready doesn’t mean he is. And if she’s continuously brought it up, he might have started to question whether she’s actually satisfied with the sex they’re having. He’ll feel pressured and might even start to resent her if he gives in before he’s ready.

      But if Holly really can’t wait, she should comment or compliment when her boyfriend takes charge of situations. Just little praises here and there to point out the “dominant” side of her boyfriend, it’s possible that the boyfriend doesn’t even consider himself dominant and is worried about his performance. Plus there’s the fifty shades hype to compete with. It would hurt my ego if I couldn’t make my partner’s fantasy enjoyable.

      But my recommendation is to stick to what Evan said: just wait.

      1. 2.1.1

        I agree wholeheartedly. And, sometimes if a man is into something a woman isn’t, or vice versa, it makes that reluctant person feel objectified. I have felt that way before and it creates distance in a relationship. It did not make me feel special. If he is so wonderful, he may come around and surprise her when he feels more comfortable. Or not. She has to relax and let it unfold. And perhaps she needs to focus on what she has, instead of what she doesn’t currently have.

  3. 3

    I may be out of my depth here, but from what I understand a person is either sub or dom, or neither, and if he doesn’t want to do it he doesn’t want to do it. I’m kind of doubtful that he will ever be into it though you may not be either if you actually try it. As for compromise, would you want to dominate him? If it’s a resounding no, maybe that’s an insight into how he feels.
    However, it may be worth a try. Don’t mention it again,  buy some handcuffs and blindfold for a special occasion, and take it from there.
    I don’t think it need be a dealbreaker but I believe there is a subculture of people for whom it really is. If that’s you, you may need to try a specialist dating site (!). Otherwise, count your blessings and enjoy your relationship.

  4. 4

    I think he just feels awkward and will probably come around. My ex really liked dirty talk, I abhor talking during sex, it completely turns me off, but I did it sometimes for him. All you want is him dominating you ocassionally, which is totally normal IMO. I would say the best advice would be to get him more comfortable with you asap. My bet is his refusal to do it is because you ask for it. He knows you want it at this point. Maybe watch Girl with a Dragon Tatoo with him? Or get him to read The Story of O (not fifty shades.. that book is ridiculous). If you’re into S&M and bondage you probably didn’t just get into it over night. Maybe watch some porn with him? These are all ways to get guys to be more comfortable with you. I would say step one is get him to blind fold you with something so he can feel less “on stage” and maybe wrestle a bit before hand, drink a little, whatever will help him relax and get in the mood. Because for a guy to be dominant he’s definitely got to be in the mood for it. You can’t just order him to do it, that is completely the opposite of what you want. Also, act more submissive.. Its usually a natural instinct I’ve noticed in guys. I’m lucky, I found a guy that is really into being dominant and S&M etc. You usually build up to stuff though. So first blind fold, maybe next toys? and possibly hand cuffs after that. He may think its more involved that it really is or not quite understand exactly what you want. Afterwards, tell him how much you enjoyed yourself and give positive feedback on what he did (do this no matter what). If he does something and its funny, don’t laugh! And Evan, I feel like this girl already has it all, you don’t have to point out that she’s already lucky and being too picky. This matters to her, as it would me, and there totally IS a solution. PS, I’m thinking this guy is just into vanilla sex, but it may be completely the opposite and he might be a complete freak and just doesn’t want to weird you out. So you should probably keep that in the back of your mind and if thats the case, then you need a SAFE WORD =))

  5. 5

    I think she’s incredibly fortunate to have everything she has in this guy, and it’s only been two months. She should see if this extremely promising relationship can go the distance, and gently bring up the fantasies issues in a few months. 

    If the fantasies are absolute dealbreakers for her, then- well, if you’re going to hold out for such perfection in a guy, you may never find anyone.

  6. 6

    As the writer of this letter, I’d have to say that Evan is completely spot on in his advice. This was a guy who was every single thing a woman could possibly wish for in a man, and someone I absolutely love to pieces. If you can imagine the most caring, generous, loving person that ever exsisted in this world who would do anything for the people he loves, well, thats him.
    Unfortunately, I was so scared to lose him that I ended up pushing him away and losing the best thing that ever happened to me. I read Evan’s column every Monday and Thursday, and I have to admit that it brought tears to my eyes when I saw my words here. How bittersweet…this seems like such an insignificant and trivial issue now that I’ve lost him. We’re still friends, but its hard to live with the fact that I can’t make things right. I just want him to be happy, and hope he finds that.

  7. 7

    Uhhhhh, it’s been 2 months!!  I didn’t read he said absolutely not, I read he said not now, it’s too soon.  BE PATIENT! 
    Keep bringing it up at your own peril.  He’s not going to do it now otherwise, that would mean he was forced into it, and people don’t like to be forced into anything (read Evan’s response if the tables were turned).  He’ll remember you’re interested in doing that, and if things continue to go well, I bet he’ll bring it up in the future.  Lean back, enjoy the moment and give up control of this situation.

  8. 8

    Holly, the right man for you will not go anywhere.
    It’s great that you want him to be happy.
    How about also wanting yourself to be happy and doing stuff that makes you happy?

  9. 9

    Holly @6
    Unfortunately, I was so scared to lose him that I ended up pushing him away and losing the best thing that ever happened to me
    I dont think the issue of you wanting to be dominated by him broke you up. Perhaps you nagged him too much and it turned him off, but I doubt this is the only reason. Maybe its the reason he gave you, but if he was already looking to end things with you, then this was his escape hatch. Sorry, but a guy wont end things with a girl just because she wants him to tie her up and spank her and he isn’t into that. There were probably other things that wanted him to end it and this provided a convenient excuse.

  10. 10
    Some other guy

    Holly: I’m so sorry for your painful loss.
    Thank you for visiting this thread; it will certainly help others.

  11. 11

    “Unfortunately, I was so scared to lose him”
    This is where the real problem is.

  12. 12

    Holly @ 6 –
    You said, “Unfortunately, I was so scared to lose him that I ended up pushing him away.”
    I think I have pushed (scared) some wonderful women away b/c when that ever so rare chemistry/connection is there, I have a tendency to be too clingy/needy.
    I’m working on that but I’m curious as to what you believe you did that pushed your BF away?

  13. 13

    @ Rose # 8
    Holly the right man for you will not go anywhere.”  I can not even begin to tell you how many times I have heard this line or a similar version of it.  It is what we tell ourselves and it is what we tell our friends and they say it to us.  I have said it many times.  So when I say that it is such a ridiculous inane line, you know that I am too am guilty of having uttered that utter nonsense myself.
    The truth, as I see it is that we as fallible human beings are totally capable of destroying a relationship that is loving, wonderful, and fulfilling.  Are we capable of making a mess of things by pushing our own agenda and being blind to the feelings of others? I think so.
    Many women I know have the fantasy man in her head and I have seen what happens when they try to make a perfectly great guy over into their version of the perfect fantasy guy.  No one is going to fit anyone else’s fantasy… because we are real.  

  14. 14

    Hi Holly,
    As someone who has had BDSM desires all her life, I can relate to what you were going through. Don’t let anyone tell you that your BF (or anyone else you’re interested in) will eventually ‘come around’.
    Now, the question you might want to ask yourself is this: How long have I had these interests/desires? If they are fairly recent, chances are they are just that: fantasies. But, if you’ve had them for a long time, or they have surfaced just recently (perhaps after reading’50 Shades of Grey’), chances are that you are not ‘vanilla’ and need a guy who shares those desires.
    Take it from me… I had similar desires since I was 5 years old. I was stuck in a dead-end marriage for 26 years. My ex-husband wanted no part of what I wanted. I’m 52 years old now, and have been divorced for 7 years. I’m now with a great guy who does share my desires for Dominance/submission.
    If you would like some help or advice, I’d be happy to give it. Just e-mail me here. Please reference E.B.
    E. B.

  15. 15
    Some other guy

    @Lia #13
    Right on the money
    It is possible for his leaving to be confirmation that he wasn’t the right guy, but that doesn’t mean one can’t blow it too.

  16. 16

    Lol @ “going in through the out door.”

    That aside, I thought this was an interesting take on an issue that probably a lot men and women face in relationships. If the sex is already good then true it makes sense to not make it an issue. Well spoken as always Mr. Katz 🙂

  17. 17

    Holly the right man for you will not go anywhere.”
    Disagree. The right person doesn’t mean the person who will tolerate bad behavior  The right person has self-respect and won’t accept being treated poorly. If Holly believes her actions pushed him away, she should examine her actions and learn from her mistakes. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.
    Sorry you are hurting, surely you will get back out there and find another kind and loving man and you will be ready to accept him just the way he is. Good luck.

  18. 18

    Wow, tough lesson learned.  It speaks for itself.

  19. 19

    This post has got me thinking about the difference between a fantasy and a fetish, as well as the importance of sexual compatibility. I wonder if Holly forced the issue as much as she did because this was more than a simple fantasy for her, and her boyfriend wasn’t open to it at all, so he bailed. I think Eva’s advice (#14) is spot on.

  20. 20

    Fear of losing someone sounds like fear of abandonment to me.
    Which is the core problem if a woman has that fear. So that would be  the main thing that needed to addressed.
    If that is the case , it means someone is abandoning themselves in some way abandoning their own needs.Not a good idea in a healthy relationship.
    We can accept someone is just the way they are and be with them as long as we don’t abandon ourselves and our own needs at the expense of another. If we have different needs one persons needs are not right or wrong they are just different, we can still accept them just as they are .They are just not right for us or each other. they have a mismatch of core needs.
    If they are meant to be together he will be back.
    As long as she doesn’t instigate it by being dominant  one and the  the leader.
    If he doesn’t come back, there is someone better ahead a better match for Holly.
    Respect your POV and if you disagree though.

  21. 21
    Sparkling Emerald

    I agree with EMK on this. 
    I was on the other side of this in my first marriage.  I’m no prude in the bedroom, but my 1st  husband was very demanding, and that killed any love I had for him.  That marriage only lasted a year.
    Nothing should happen in the bedroom unless it’s unanimous.  You might meet a guy who will fulfill all of  your sex fantasies, and be a total jerk outside of the bedroom.
    I am sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way.  I’m no mind reader, maybe he would have disappeared anyway, but putting sexual demands on someone can really destroy any feelings of affection they have for you.
    I just realized the irony here, Holly was pushing him to dominate her,something he indicated he was uncomfortable with, so really, who’s doing the dominating in this case ?
    In the BDSM counter culture, isn’t that called topping from the bottom or something like that ?

  22. 22

    Be careful of staying friends with an ex, especially immediately post break up. It’s time to step away, not continue engaging and hoping at any level you will get back together.  Maybe, after a decent period of recovery (months rather than weeks) you’ll find yourself back in contact on a friendly basis. But I wouldn’t hold out for it or make plans in that direction.
    It was only two months. Anyone can seem wonderful for two months. I still love my boyfriend after seven months, but no way is he the perfect person I thought he was at month two!  A key factor in successful relationships is how well the couple handles disagreements (if there are no disagreements you are either very lucky or someone is being a doormat). This disagreement sank the relationship. So, it’s not quite as perfect as you think it was.
    If you think it is salvageable, and you have your self esteem intact and your act together, and you have a handle on what went wrong and how it can be addressed (yes, it’s a lot of conditions), wait a few weeks, then see him to talk. One attempt.  If he’s not interested, take your dignity and move on. And if he’s met someone else, forget it.

  23. 23

    Sparkling Emerald in #21:
    “I just realized the irony here, Holly was pushing him to dominate her,something he indicated he was uncomfortable with, so really, who’s doing the dominating in this case ?
    In the BDSM counter culture, isn’t that called topping from the bottom or something like that ?”
    I was thinking something similar. Just because you’re the one who’s tied up, it doesn’t mean you’re not in control. And if the tied up is allowed to end it all with a word they haven’t submitted to a thing. “Punish me,” isn’t a request is it?
    I forget the actual title but it was the recent film about Jung with Fassbender and Keira Knightly and Jung has Knightly’s character tied up and is whipping her. She’s getting off and he’s sweating and exhausted and can barely hold his arm up from beating her. I’m pretty sure he didn’t ‘win’ that one.
    If you think being in charge is some sort of privilege you might think offering to submit is a gift. Thinking being in charge is a burden or responsibility would see expectations of being dominant as onerous, especially in the context of a relationship you feel is a refuge from those burdens borne in a job.

  24. 24

    Holly, hon I’m sorry. I know it hurts to let go of someone you cared for. Especially when you believe it’s your own fault.
    I’m a “vanilla” chick.  Part of how I figured this out about myself was because I dated some men who weren’t. I’d do something that I thought was “adventurous”  cause why not?  What I found, was that those guys had a tough time doing “vanilla”. They would try, but it would frustrate them. And me.
    Reading your letter to EMK, what stood out to me was your admission of pushing your new guy to what you considered fantasies.  Why the push?
    Not everyone is into “vanilla”. And that’s okay…you don’t have to be. But if you are pushing someone? Consider Eva’s #14 comment above.
    No right. No wrong. Our lives are a work in progress.

  25. 25

    @ marymary #22
    I actually sent this letter in a while back. We were together for almost 5 months when we broke up. We did not break up because of the issue I wrote in about.
    I’m starting to agree with you that I am not going to be able to be friends with him. It’s just too painful. He’s made it clear that there is no chance to get back together, and he’s ready to start dating again. I just don’t think I could handle watching that.

  26. 26

    @ Rose # 20
    “Fear of losing someone sounds like fear of abandonment to me.”
    Me too!
    “”Which is the core problem if a woman has that fear.  So that would be the main thing that needed to be addressed.”
    If that is the case, it means someone is abandoning themselves in some way abandoning their own needs.”
    Again with the big YES!!!
    If we have different needs, one person’s needs are not right or wrong, they are just different, we can still accept them just as they are.  They are just not right for us or each other.
    I agree, well said.  For me personally I am looking at the things I think I need and asking myself if those things are needs or wants.  The reason I am interested in doing this introspection is to weed out things that may be stopping me from moving forward and being happy.  
    Do I need someone who reads voraciously and wants to discuss the latest book I have read?  I don’t think so.  I used to think I did, but not any more. Do I need a man to have the exact same spiritual beliefs.  Again I use to think so, but not any more.  Do I need a man who shares my core values. Yes.  Do I need a man who treats my with kindness and wants to spend time with me?  Yes, I believe I do.  
    Rose, thank you for your post!

  27. 27
    Karmic Equation


    If you harbor secret hopes of getting back together and he’s said in no uncertain terms that’s not going to happen, cut your losses. Use the engergy from your anger and pain to galvanize you into doing something you hadn’t had time to do while you were with him…namely go out and just enjoy the company of other men, treat yourself to a nice long weekend at a spa, go shopping, exercise, take up a new hobby. Just do yourself a favor that whenever you start thinking about him, force yourself to think about and do something else.

    While it’s unfortunate that you lost something you treasured and felt responsible, he’s not the last man on earth (Evan had a newsletter article on this topic.)

    In another newsletter I subscribe to, they had an interesting post about how “The One is NOT found but “made”:

    “…But we found each other, we felt an electric spark, we climbed a few mountains together and dove into a few seas.

    And while she wasn’t my “the one” when we started (and I certainly wasn’t hers) as we get to know each other, have more experiences together and WORK on our relationship…

    Well, now I can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else.

    Like I said, “The One” is made, not found.”

    This is the way I’ve always approached relationships. It more empowering because your being with “The One” is not left to blind luck, but rather within your own control. So, I hope that when you go about living life again and you meet your next good guy–and there are TONS of good guys out there–work on the process becoming “the one” for him, and hopefully, he’ll want to work on being “the one” for you, too. Take what you’ve learned in this relationship and apply it to your next one. It’s part of the process of your becoming The One for the next good man in your life.

  28. 28
    Valery North

    @ Sparking Emerald and Frimmel (#21 and #23):
    There’s a huge amount of debate in the BDSM community about the nature of power exchange, and there are probably as many views on it as there are BDSMers (or at least, as there are couples).   In particular, please don’t throw around terms like “topping from the bottom” without really understanding them.   There is even debate in the community over whether it is a term with any practical meaning, or is simply a term used to denigrate people whom others view as “not X enough”.
    I identify as a Dominant, but I switch and play the Submissive role from time to time, so I feel that I can speak with some experience on this.   For a bottom to ask for a particular type of play is most definitely not “topping from the bottom”.   That is called negotiation.   Holly’s requests for bondage and blindfold play may have amounted to undue pressure, or may just have communicated the strength/importance of the desire to her – I wasn’t there and can’t comment on that.   Negotiation of sexual/BDSM play can be conducted well or poorly, but is just negotiation.   The outcome of that negotiation depends on how important it is.   Eva (#14) expressed perfectly what I was going to say about that issue already.

    @ EMK in the OP:
    I think that the analogy of BDSM bottoming with anal sex is fundamentally misleading, unless your hypothetical man who likes anal sex is a man who wants to receive, and his request to the woman is that she should put a strap-on on and do it to him.   There is a fundamental difference between asking for an activity where I retain control (as a top, or as the active, penetrating, party) and asking for an activity where I cede control to another.   As noted above, I play both top and bottom roles (although identifying more with the top).   I know that when I bottom with someone that I am extending trust to them; whereas when I top, I am asking them to trust me.   And, when it comes to BDSM (or, indeed, anal sex) that trust is specifically that the top will not harm the bottom and will bring them back to a sound condition.   A second fundamental difference is in the expected sensation: while receiving anal penetration, done properly (see “trust not to harm”, above), need not be painful, if it’s not something you’ve experimented with (I have, as it happens, albeit only using toys) then there is certainly anticipation of discomfort with no promise of a pleasurable reward (again, I found it did result in pleasure as a reward, but that’s my preference, no one else’s).   If you did try it already and didn’t like it, then there’s knowledge of discomfort!   Similarly, bottoming either with bondage or SM play, for someone who doesn’t know that side of things, involves knowledge only of sensations that are normally classed as unpleasant (again, with the right person and sufficient trust, I find them pleasant but I can’t talk for anyone else).   Topping need not involve any untoward physical sensations (I gather that Holly’s BF was perturbed by the emotional connotations, which is a frequent problem even for people who enjoy BDSM but are new to playing the topping role).
    The point of the analogy – that consent should be enthusiastic, and no one has a right to expect a particular fantasy, fetish or type of play when the other person isn’t happy with it – is perfectly good.   It’s a point that needs making.   But for the purpose of the OP, it seemed like it would be a more powerful analogy if like was compared with like.

  29. 29
    Sparkling Emerald

    Valery North  28
      Thanks for the anal sex 101 lesson.  I think point EMK was trying to make, that if we flipped the genders, and it was a guy pushing for anal from his GF, then most of us women would be saying to lose that dude etc. 
      No matter YOUR opinion on Anal, NO means NO.  A loving partnership shouldn’t involve someone pushing unwanted sexual preferences onto the other.  As long as the couple have a reasonable amount of frequency, and pleasure in the bedroom, it’s not the end of the world if each person doesn’t get EVERY SINGLE item on their sexual smorgasbord served to them. 
      It’s pretty hard to find someone with whom you are attracted to, compatible with, and committed to.  To add to that mix, “MUST be willing to serve my EVERY sexual fantasy” is a one way ticket to loneliness.
      I am single again after a long marriage.  I hope to be in another long term relationship.  Of course I want love making to be part of it, but I don’t want that to be the whole focus of our relationship.  If he is kind, thoughtful, committed, faithful and adores me, a generic sex life would be just fine with me.  Sex is pretty fun and exciting even when it’s not all spiced up. If I find my next love, if he adores me and treats me right, and doesn’t put undue PRESSURE on me in the bedroom, I won’t put undue pressure on him in the bedroom. 
      One thing the sexual revolution gave us, is a bunch of  entitled, sexual spoiled brats.

    1. 29.1

      Valery North made a logically valid point by highlighting the flaw in the author’s analogy between wanting a boyfriend to act dominant vs a man demanding anal sex from a woman. It’s really not the same issue. Just to clarify again, since the point did not seem to get across, the difference is that a man has to perform anal sex on a woman and if she is not into it, the woman is on the receiving end of a potentially painful sex act that she didn’t strongly desire in the first place. Asking a man to be sexually dominant differs in that the woman is the one asking for the sexual acts to be performed on her – she wants them. As Valery said, an appropriate analogy would be where a man wants his lover to use a strap on to penetrate him anally. If the woman wasn’t into using a strap-on on her boyfriend… well, then, he’d be in the same situation as Holly.

      Also, the author’s response to Holly was almost glib. If a person has strong sexually submissive inclinations, then a sexual partner that’s incapable of (or uninterested in) assuming a sexually dominant role will ultimately result in feelings of sexual dissatisfaction for the sub. Obviously sex is an important part of a couple’s life together and if one person is not sexually fulfilled by the other it will impact the relationship. Even if the man is otherwise a perfect boyfriend. This is not a choice or a matter of being spoiled about indulging in an optional sexual fantasy. If you’re submissive and need to be dominated sexually, it’s very unfortunate when a man cannot or will not do that. It’s especially unfortunate when two people are compatible in most other ways and have the potential for forming a great connection based on all the other parameters important to a relationship. Unsatisfied sexual desires are deeply frustrating, but sex is still just one aspect of a relationship and it’s not at all clear that the right thing to do is to walk away from a new relationship just because the sexual dimension of it isn’t especially fulfilling.

      That said, this is assuming Holly is innately, strongly sexually submissive. If she just wants to play around with new fantasies but doesn’t have strong sub/dom impulses, well then, it may be good advice to drop it until they get to know each other better (since she’s otherwise enjoying the sex).

  30. 30

    @ Sparkling Emerald # 29
    Well said!!!  
    As long as the couple has a reasonable amount of frequency and pleasure in the bedroom, it is not the end of the world if each person does not get EVERY SINGLE item on their sexual smorgasbord served to them.
    I agree!!
    One thing the sexual revolution gave us, is a bunch of entitled, sexual spoiled brats.”
    I don’t know how true that is but I thought that it was a great line!

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