If you are too evasive about your past when asked, women will find it suspicious and think you´re a player.

If you honestly display your relationless past women will think there must be something wrong with you.

So I´ll go for option nr one. Loads of girls will fall for the mysterious player thing and once you´ve reeled them in it will only be a bonus that you turn out nót to be a player!

I reached 29 without any significant relationship experience. Then I had my first serious relationship and made a “surprising” discovery:
Most of what you need to know in relationships is just common sense.

Of course, I was pretty good at giving non-answers to certain questions. And even now (with a lot more relationship experience) I tend to avoid talking much about my past relationships. My (ex)girlfriends confided in me. I don’t break confidences. That doesn’t leave a lot to talk about.

There are a few things you should disclose, like whether you have been married before and whether you have had kids and the general vicinity you live in. (Obviously from your post, you were never married.)

If you are asked further details, such as if you have ever had any sort of relationship other than a marriage, or your address, tell them that you do not want to answer until you feel you can trust them.

Probably the same island I’ve been on. I am VERY painfully shy, and it is oppressive. I can imagine EXACTLY what this man is going through (though I am a woman). I find it very easy to converse with men I do not find attractive, but my throat clamps shut and goes dry and my palms sweat and I actually feel physically faint if a guy I am attracted to makes even the slightest move to speak to me (and yes there is one in the office where I work at the moment: and I want like CRAZY to date him but my knee-jerk shyness response is to clam up when he tries to approach me — I’m 99% certain he likes me too, and he seems to have told most of the people in my department that he likes me, but they aren’t allowed to tell me – I’m just overhearing bits of phone conversations over the next cubicle and I’m putting two and two together). I am 39 and have never been in a relationship either. My longest psuedo-relationship was when I dated a creepy engineer (whom I met on match.com) with a drooling problem for about 3 months, 5 years ago, but I don’t count that as a “relationship” since it consisted of about 4 or 5 dinner-movie dates (and he was stone dead quiet – no conversation!!) and one very blah makeout session fully clothed (during which the drooling became a major turnoff issue), after which I didn’t call him again, and he only emailed me once (6 weeks later) to find out why I didn’t call (!!!). But back to my story. This shyness problem was a serious issue in college (during which time I fell head over heels for a guy, but wasn’t EVER able to speak to him! How pathetic is that!), and most dates I have been on were one-date wonders – with men I found nice and pleasant, but wasn’t attracted to. I think men know when you don’t find them attractive and there’s no chemistry, because no matter how polite and nice to them I am, they never ask me out on a second date. I’ve decided the shyness problem is an overwhelmingly negative behavioral issue that is seriously affecting my quality of life. It is a conditioned response to something that must have happened to me in my childhood. I don’t control it; it definitely controls me. I want to resolve it quickly and effectively, so I have started doing hypnotherapy to overcome my shyness, to feel more confident and relaxed around men and so on. I am certain I am not the only painfully shy single person out there (I’m also certain a lot of people are dating online, b/c they also can’t cut it socially in the real world for whatever reason). We need help changing our conditioned responses in social situations, not further criticism that makes us feel even more incompetent and reinforces the negative messages we are ALREADY telling ourselves (believe me).

As to what the guy should say, I find it’s best to tell people “it’s been so long I feel like a virgin all over again” (cue laughter) or “no relationship worth remembering, and life’s too short to dwell on past disappointments” (does that sound upbeat enough?).

Really, this guy’s problem is not what to say, but how to feel better about himself – how to feel competent at dating and relationships. That’s not something you can ridicule someone into feeling. It takes therapy. Personally, I don’t have years and bottomless income to waste on psychotherapy, so I choose hypnosis, which is cost-effective and fast: it’s giving me some quick results already. I recommend it to other singles on this board as well as the guy in the story.

To Lisa:
I empathize with you. I’m also in my 40’s and would like to find someone to have a relationship with that is more than casual dating. Thing is though, we could theoretically meet any number of men who professed to want the same thing, yet turn out NOT to be the one for us. Or who found us NOT to be the one for them. Or with whom we each found the frequent concessions and compromises involved maintaining the relationship became not worth the effort. So despite what we say we want, LTR just doesn’t happen.

You may think you’re avoiding potential pitfalls by not getting involved with someone who’s never been married or had a LTR, but obviously for those who have had that and are currently single, it means they couldn’t sustain those relationships for whatever reasons. And those same reasons could be telling as far as how any new relationships might go. Or they may not at all.

I don’t see anything wrong with only dating people who say they want a life partner as long as you recognize that only time will tell if it works out that way–and that’s something you simply can’t predict despite your screening process.

Sorry about your broken heart Lisa, but it sounds as if your beau recognized he just wasn’t cut out to be your partner for life. And if he felt that way, he probably would not have been a good one for you if he had stayed. Perhaps he did you a favor even though it doesn’t feel that way now.

I get to know someone well, and date for awhile before deciding if we want to be exclusive, which would hopefully turn into a LTR. I don’t just meet someone and say do you want a LTR with me? lol
But I only date people who want to find a life partner.
I’m not at all into serial daters or those looking for intimate encounters.
But like I said I had a great relationship with someone who just out of the blue decided he didn’t want a relationship after all. Broke my heart.
So I’m much more cautious now.
Steve, To answer your question…yes, I know you can just as easily get dumped by a guy who says he wants a LTR….from experience….see my previous post.

My thing is, I’m 43 yrs old, had a bad marriage that I stayed in way too long, and I want to find a great, wonderful relationship. I just don’t want the heartache that goes along with looking for the one. So I wouldn’t date someone who had never been married or had LTR’s before. There’s obviously something going on with them that they can’t settle down with one person.
My favorite type of guys are real family men, who love their kids, who loved being married, it just didn’t work out.

..doesn’t the average woman know her partner fairly well after the 3rd date?….