How Do I Put My Profile Back Up Without Hurting Him?
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Can I tell a guy he’s moving too fast and not hurt him? I’ve met a really nice guy online, and I’m very attracted to him. He’s 39 and I’m 33. We’ve had 5 dates. After the 3rd date, he told me he was going to take his profile down. I was flattered so I agreed to do the same. He said I didn’t have to, but I said I would. My biggest problem is I’m too agreeable and passive. I did it to please him and be polite. But now after 5 dates, I feel that I never should have agreed to this before I was ready. I really like him. He is sweet, caring and affectionate. In the past I have always rushed into relationships and been hurt. This time I need to take things slow. I’m not ready for an exclusive relationship – I want to keep my online profile open for 2 months while I get to know him better. How can I do this without hurting him? I also want to tell him I’m not ready for a sexual relationship before the 3-month mark. I’d really appreciate your advice. I really like this guy and don’t want to hurt him. But I also want to move at a pace that is comfortable for me. –Lucy
It’s not a coincidence that I’m posting this question one week after the post about men who aren’t ready for commitment. I’m writing this before I’ve read your comments, but I predict that readers suggested that men are worse than women, men lie to women, or that a real man should know himself well enough to never hurt you and never waste your time.
Alas, the world didn’t get your memo that life should be fair.
This is not true.
This does not remotely reflect reality, any more than “Everyone should be rich,” or “It should be sunny every day” reflects reality. All it does is reflect your desire for others to act according to YOUR self-interests instead of their own self-interests.
And the more one remains stuck in a state of righteous indignance about how the world should treat you, the less likely you are to find happiness. Who’s got the time to be happy or smile at strangers or trust a new potential partner, what with all the fear, anxiety and complaining.
Alas, the world didn’t get your memo that life should be fair.
Which brings us, at last, to Lucy’s question, which if you read the comments here long enough, supposed to be the domain of selfish men:
“She’s nice, she’s attractive, but I’m not ready for an exclusive relationship. I want to keep my online dating profile up for at least two months while I get to know her better.”
Any women ever complained about this man before?
This is irrefutable proof that this type of behavior is not gender-specific.
People want to connect.
People want to fall in love.
People want to keep their options open, but act with integrity.
People want to find commitment, but aren’t always on the same timetable.
And this is the inherently tricky part about dating.
Because what’s good for you and what’s good for your partner are not necessarily the same things at the same time.
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60 Comments »Filed Under Dating
Steve 1
Evan, I disagree with you. Until things get physical I think many people go on the assumption that dating means trying people out, as in multiple people. That is what “the talk” is about, making sure everyone is on the same page once feelings begin getting stronger.
I can’t applaud you enough for pointing out that had Lucy been a man and her date a woman, a herd of women would begin the male bashing bit about how men are selish, reckless, prone to be non-exclusive etc etc in dating. I’ve been listening to women my whole life pointing out sexism in men to a fine degree while being completely myopic to their own sexism and male bashing. For me personally, it is the best form of birth control after a woman proclaiming she hates cats or is a republican.
Thanks again man…..
Steve 2
Lucy;
You have to do what is best for you. If you don’t want to have sex before 3 months of dating has passed, don’t have sex. If you want to put your profile back up and date other people do it and talk to this guy about it.
However, be prepared that things might end or that they might get weird ( I think it MIGHT be a red flag that he took his profile down after only 3 dates ).
If I went out on 5 dates with a woman before she put her profile back up and told me that she wanted to date other people I would assume that she is not into me. I would move on.
That is not guaranteed to happen. It may turn out well. You have to do what is right for you, you have to talk to him and hope for the best.
Good Luck.
my honest answer 3
I agree with Evan, though if I were Lucy, I’d use less words to tell the guy so!
Goldie 4
We don’t even know why the guy decided to take his profile down, especially if he told the OP she didn’t have to do the same. Last year, I told a man I was seeing then that I was tired of POF, ready for a break, and warned him that I’d probably be taking my profile down, but that it wasn’t meant as any kind of pressure on him. I came home that night to an email from the guy saying “yeah, I want to be exclusive too!!” and indicating that he’d killed his accounts on both POF and match.com. Which made our breakup, which occurred a week later, even more awkward. Poor dude probably lost money when he deleted his Match account, all because of a misunderstanding.
nathan 5
I tend to be a guy who takes his profile down as soon as I move into seeing someone more often. The way I see it, having more options often leads to split attention, and a failure to really get to know someone because you’ve got too many others on your plate. To me, it’s a red flag if someone wants to keep their profile up for weeks on end, and frankly, I’d really wonder about Lucy’s level of interest in me if she wanted to put her profile back up.
If you do like this guy, and want to see where it goes, why not focus on slowing down with him? Why not sit down with him and talk about not wanting to rush things? I’ve been in this position before, and it was much easier to accept and work with than someone who basically says they’re “keeping their options open.” Which is what putting your profile back up again does. if he’s really into you, odds are he’ll be willing to slow down with you – that is, if he believes you’re focused on getting to know him.
Honestly, if you came to me and said you wanted to both slow down AND keep your options open by having your profile back up, I doubt I would stick around.
Which leads me to this: if you really aren’t ready for an exclusive relationship, then you need to either end it, or find out if he’s ok with you dating around.
RW 6
@Steve:
Agreed…men bashing, often unfairly, has become a nasty public habit but I would like to point out that Lucy wrote in with this question and is seriously thinking about the feelings of the guy in question. I don’t know too many men in this situation who would spend time agonizing about hurting a woman by putting a profile back up. As women, we agonize and we expect men to do the same regardless of the outcome. When they don’t, we are disappointed and read it as lack of caring.
@Lucy:
Let him down gently. Be sure to say that you enjoy his company and find him attractive, etc, etc but be prepared for him to pull back a lot or walk away. Putting myself in his shoes, if a man announced that he was putting his profile back up, I would take that as a negative sign and start thinking about cutting my losses, especially since I had made the all-important first move only to have it first accepted, then rejected. I am not commenting negatively on your desire to keep your options open. I am just trying to see the situation realistically from his point of view.
Lisa 7
I think you have a very friendly view on men, Evan.
Just last Friday I went on a date with a guy who told me, as a male, how shocked he is at the many men who can use women for a long time. Without any feelings, just using them like a toothbrush, then throw them away once their purpose has been fulfilled.
This is reality.
Lucy is not ready for committment. But she’s empathetic. And she states she doesn’t want to sleep with her date till things get more serious. Let us be honest, there is no need to be exclusive (most of the time) until things get physical.
But some men are not ready for committment or especially not ready for committment with a certain woman but keep her hanging on to take the best of her as long as they can. Manipulate her emotions.
Lucy is really doing the right thing. Men are usually more forgiving then men. If he isn’t then she might try to fight for him. But yeah she should really make up her mind if she can see this being something serious.
Lily2 8
Lucy,
Good luck!
It sounds like to truly like this guy, but are trying to break a pattern. You slipped a bit by taking down your profile and down too soon, and now wish to move forward with your intention to date different people before becoming exclusive. If this man respects that, and still wants to see you, I have a feeling you will fall for him even more! It seems like this is about you listening to yourself, more than whether or not you are “really into him.” I hope you do whats best for you, that is the best way to begin a relationship with anyone.
Jesse 9
Steve@1: Women don’t say that men are “selfish, reckless, prone to be non-exclusive” if they haven’t slept with the guy. They say that after he’s brought it to the next level and then acted like it was still all casual. That’s the difference.
So I would say that the gender switcheroo with this example doesn’t exactly jibe. A more accurate gender switcheroo would be: 1) They meet online, go out, and hit it off. 2) She seduces him. 3) He now thinks they’re exclusive because of her sexual interest in him and says they should take their profiles down. 4) She agrees so as not to rock the boat; she likes sleeping with him and thinks he’s fun and attractive and maybe he has relationship potential, but she doesn’t share any of this with him and doesn’t take down her profile. 5) He sees that her profile is still up after they’ve spent several weekends together and calls her and all women “selfish, reckless, prone to be non-exclusive.”
Panda 10
Personally, this should be her wake up call to change her passive behavior and learn to trust her instincts more – stop catering to other people and what they want and start doing whats right for her own self. If she felt things were going too fast, she should have said something…I get it – she was scared and wants to be ‘nice’ to him because he’s a good guy – but moving that fast is a red flag isn’t it?? And see she knows it’s a red flag but ignored it by agreeing to take her profile off. One doesn’t do the other person any favors by ”being nice” and half heartedly agreeing to what the other wants. It took me a LONG time to learn this about myself so I’m glad it’s finally connecting in her brain.
Evan, women get upset when there are hallmarks of a relationship made that lead them to believe a man is more serious than he is…THAT’S what they are complaining about. I definitely think if you’ve moved into having sex territory then yes, the profiles should be down. I think if you’re both on the same page and genuinely into each other equally and both mention taking the profiles down – then fine do it. But if there is that little glimmer from yourself of “eh…I like him but what else is out there” then you should NOT give the slightest indication that it’s more than what it is. I often think men do exactly what Lucy did because they don’t want to “hurt” this person that is nice but yet they barely know.
However, I am certainly not discounting the fact that many women go into a date with expectations and a fantasy they have built up in their mind about the other person. Then when they see the other person is still looking around online (and rightfully so) they are hurt. And the thing is they brought that hurt on themselves by expecting too much too fast.
Erinlee 11
@ Lisa #7 You said: “But some men are not ready for committment or especially not ready for committment with a certain woman but keep her hanging on to take the best of her as long as they can. Manipulate her emotions.”
Woman are perfectly capable of being manipulative and not always forth right with their true emotions or intentions. This is not a gender specific trait. I’d like to think that most people at least care where the other person is coming from, and are in it for the right reasons. However, humans are not perfect and aren’t always good people. I’ve known women who would hold onto a man because he spent money on her, she enjoyed his attention, and he was really into her. As soon as someone ‘better’ comes along, or she taps out the funds he’s willing to spend on her, she moves on w/o a single thought of how it made him feel. Why do I think people do this, because they are incredibly selfish, ignorant and just worried about getting theirs.
@ Jesse #9: I understand what you are trying to say here but I see it a little different. Why is it all the guys doing when it gets to the ‘next level’? Getting intimate with someone is a two way street. When getting to know someone, you should be protecting your self interest. I highly doubt many of these women straight up told the guy they wouldn’t be physical until they were in a committed relationship, they sleep together, and then the guy keeps it casual. More likely is this scenario: Girl wants to be committed, sleeps with guys assuming that will get him to want to be committed too, or get them closer to commitment. She never told him her boundaries though, and now that he doesn’t want a commitment, it’s his fault for using her.
Everyone’s relationship tempo is going to be a bit different than others, and it will change for the individual as they go through life. Just as the levels of commitment they are willing to give, type of relationship they want to have . . . This all changes as we age and grow. Be aware, learn to listen to people, read their voice tone, posture, etc. Be honest with yourself about yourself, and be honest with others. Don’t expect anyone to read your mind. Compromise with the other persons’ way of being and tempo (probably best here to follow the man’s, from my experience) see what happens. You get to answer the questions (will you date me, will you be exclusive with me, will you marry me) but he gets to decide when to ask them.
Jackie Holness 12
I agree with Evan too…Just like we were told in childhood, honesty is the best policy…If he is really diggin’ you, he will respect that and continue to date you…and men like to chase too!
Steve 13
A person points out the bigotry of a group and members that group post to defend their bigotry. FAIL.
Ruby 14
<<“She’s (or he’s) nice, she’s(or he’s) attractive, but I’m not ready for an exclusive relationship. I want to keep my online dating profile up for at least two months while I get to know her (him) better.”>>
In general, I’d say that when a woman says this, she is being sincere. However, when a man says it, it tends to mean “I’m just not that into her, and want to keep my options open”. In fact, a couple of the dating books I have tell women to do exactly this, and to not try to date exclusively for the first 2-3 months. Is this so that a woman can go on her merry way dating all the men she wants? No, it so that she can get to know a man slowly, not rush into anything too soon, and avoid getting hurt, which is exactly what Lucy is saying. I don’t think she’s being non-committal, and I do think that 3 dates is pretty soon to take down a profile. Her big mistake was not being more direct about her feelings, but it’s not too late to be honest.
Lea 15
I try never to generalize or make assumptions across the board, every situation and person is unique.
However, in my experience and from people I know personally….men and women seem to have different motives.
Until the “Yes this IS a serious, exclusive relationship” discussion happens….not implied or assumed…. but a face to face conversation, women leave the profile active as a “safety net” and men as a “fishing net”.
She doesn’t want to be hurt, and he wants to know if maybe someone better is out there.
Again, NOT my generalizations, but observations from many “war stories” from many friends.
Tyler 16
I have to be honest, I like this piece of advice. This is the type of information that should be going out there from dating coaches. Honesty, integrity, and clear communication are all so vital when in the midst of a blossoming relationship, even when it’s not the easy thing to do. If you feel the relationship is going somewhere (and hopefully you can tell if it is or isn’t) then why not lay a healthy foundation now?
Angie 17
Hi Lucy,
Here is my question: Do you want to put your profile back up b/c your past mistakes with men primarily stem from you jumping in too early (something about you), because you aren’t ready to be in an exclusive relationship at all (something about you), or because after 5 dates you’re still not that into him (something about him)?
My only concern for you is that you are going to impose so many rules on yourself in an attempt to do the opposite of what has “failed” for you before, that you are going to come off as aloof or flaky.
I feel the same about your 3-month rule for sex. By all means, I think it is more than fine to want to wait and that you should wait, but not for some arbitrary date. You should wait until you are confident that he is someone you want to get sexually and therefore more emotionally involved with.
It seems that the idea of getting emotionally involved is throwing you off, putting you in the “loser” position again… or you aren’t ready for a relationship. If you just aren’t excited to get to know him, what is fair to him is that you should cut him loose. I can’t tell which you are.
But, to answer your actual question, how will he know if you post another profile? Can’t you just create a new one w/ a different username?
Gem 18
Lucy,
He’s a grown man of 39 yrs. After 5 dates, you’re not going to “Hurt” him. He’s a big boy who’s had relationships before.
Perspective here: It’s been 5 dates. He’ll live. Just be honest and tell him what you said in your letter.
“I really like you. I want to get to know you better, but I’ve moved too fast in my past and want to do things differently from now on. Therefore, I think for me, it would be best not be exclusive for now so we can take things slow.”
And see how he reacts. Any mature person would appreciate your direct and honest approach even if they were a bit dissapointed.
I wouldn’t even mention the “no sex until 3 months” thing. If you don’t want to have sex, don’t. Just stop things before they get to heavy so you’re not sending mixed signals.
And if you feel in your gut that he’s not potential relationship material and you’re not that into him, let him go now.
daphne 19
It sounds to me like she’s just not that into him ! As a woman, I don’t see how it applies any different from a man. She doesn’t want to sleep w him so much that she can’t help herself. She’s very analytical about this. She doesn’t want to rush involvement, and is aloof even after several weeks and plenty of indication that he’s into her.
Regarding previous post #17- the picture would be the same- she can’t really hide in this situation.
Eljem 20
Hi Lucy
Unfortunately, I think there’s no way to put your profile back up without hurting him, and that there’s a significant risk he would interpret your doing so as a sign that you aren’t interested in him.
I think the key issue here is to work out why you regret agreeing to take your profile down, and to base your decision on that. From your letter, it sounds as though there are two possibilities: first, that you do really like the guy, and are open to a serious relationship with him, but don’t want to rush into anything. Second, you genuinely want to find out what other dating opportunities may be open to you, and this is a higher priority than the possible relationship you might have with this guy.
If it’s the latter, I’d say exactly what Evan suggests above. If it’s the former, you should certainly tell him you want to take it slow and hold off on sex, but I think it’s worth considering staying off the dating sites for the two or three months you say you want in order to work out whether you want a relationship with him. Two or three months isn’t a very long period, and at your age I don’t think it’s a big deal if you are absent from the dating scene for this time. I’m not necessarily a fan of serial consecutive dating, but if you actually like him, I think there’s an argument for it on this occasion.
Also, agreeing to take your profile down is not the same as marrying him! Even if you keep off the dating sites, this is still the time when you should be getting to know him and finding out whether the two of you are a good match.
Just my twopennorth; best of luck with whatever you decide.
Jesse 21
Erinlee@11: I’d say that most women think that sleeping with a guy means the relationship is moving to another level. They also assume that that’s what it means for the guy. And in my experience, yes–it’s the guy pushing for it to go to another level. I don’t go around seducing guys or offering NSA sex. With a few rare exceptions, in my experience, the move into bedroom territory always come from the guy. At that moment how many people are saying, “Wait–let’s talk about what this means first!” Each side has made assumptions–usually the wrong ones. And yes, I believe there is a gender divide regarding behavior in this area of dating.
And I don’t have sex to get a guy to “commit”–talk about manipulative. And dumb. If anything, I think that guys pretend to be more into the woman than he is so that she will let down her guard/boundaries.
Are we really going to say on here that that isn’t the case, after all the posts about women looking for love and finding sex?
Katarina Phang 22
Yes, the key is to find someone with whom you have mutual chemistry to explore further if you are compatible and are on the same page (and same timeline/timetable). Those are the two things that are hard to come by for anyone, hence you have to keep dating till you hit the jackpot.
Timing is tricky, not to mention mutual chemistry is rare in itself.
nathan 23
Ruby 14 “In general, I’d say that when a woman says this, she is being sincere. However, when a man says it, it tends to mean “I’m just not that into her, and want to keep my options open”.” This is nonsense. As is Lea’s similar statement at 15.
People want excuses to delay being exclusive, to be able to see if the grass is greener somewhere else, and will defend those excuses in any old manner so long as the end result is that they have plenty of wiggle room. I’ve dated enough women now who juggled multiple men during the entire time we went out, and it always seems to come down lack of significant interest (either on her end, or on both of our ends). And I say this as a man who rarely juggles dates, and usually is fairly quick to remove profiles if things feel like they are moving in a more serious direction.
Furthermore, I read a lot of dating forums online these days, and although it may have been true in the past that women were more likely to focus on a single man, and not continue “fishing” with their online profile, I think that gap has almost disappeared. In fact, I find online that it’s frequently women who are most passionate in defending the “right” to keep their options open, even after dating someone for several weeks or even months.
Saint Stephen 24
From all i have read so far i think Nathan gave the best advice on post (#5)
If Lucy, is still contemplating dating other men it means she is NTIH and needs to move on. When a Woman is vastly interested in someone they try to make the relationship work. They don’t go about trying to date other men. Furthermore a divided attention will lead the relationship to a Natural death, even if it was supposed to succeed.
@Ruby- You are twisting it the other way round. Men are the ones who can be genuinely interested in a woman and still fancy keeping their options open due to their philandering nature. A woman who seems really interested in a man wouldn’t care about whats better out there.
Whenever a woman is keeping her options open she wants to see how many wealthier more good looking guys are out there that she might just be quickly passing on.
AQ 25
Lucy I believe you are right and need to see what he does over time. The only thing I can say is to slow down more in the beginning and think between dates and say you are not sure about the profile just yet because you don’t know him – you should give him exclusivity and commitment when you are ready.
I have never read a forum note from a guy that says we have mind blowing sex and she never called. Never. But for us women it is that way. We don’t know so we have to wait.
I do think it is good to get to know him over time before you commit your heart and body.
Dan 26
I am witnessing an interesting phenomenon on online date sites these days, and that is that when people are in a relationship, they don’t delete their profile. They simply hide it or don’t go online. Case in point:
My last gf I met online: Her profile was up online through the whole time we were dating. She just never bothered to log on during that time. We broke up in Jan 2010. I saw that she immediately went back online, then after two months (around Mar 2010) she stopped going online, even though her profile was still up there. She was in a new relationship again, which was confirmed when I bumped into her live. Fast forward to Feb 2011, she was back on line again. I presume her relationship ended. Well, two months later, around Apr 2011, she is no longer online anymore, and hasn’t been online since. But her profile is still there. I presume she is in her second relationship since we broke up.
Here is another story: during grad school, I contacted someone online that was unforgettable to me. I thought she was my type for sure, and she also turned out to be in another cohort in my school. She never got back to me, and her profile disappeared around 2008. Well jeepers, her profile popped back online this week! It is exactly as I last saw it, pictures and profile and all. The only thing different now is that it lists relationship status as “separated.” That blows me away. She marries someone, but still keeps her profile online, but just hidden. And now that her marriage relationship has ended, she’s back online.
Online dating sites are starting to have lifetime members!!
Ruby 27
Nathan #23
I don’ think there’s anything wrong with dating different people in the first month or two of dating. Dragging it out for months is a different story. As I said, 2 or 3 of my dating books geared to women suggest doing this, although i don’t doubt that women can also use this strategy as a way to keep their options open, just as men might do. Maybe Lucy is taking her cues from these books?
I also think that men are more than happy to move quickly when it comes to sex, while they might move more slowly on an emotional level. But a woman might tend to move more slowly on both levels.
Laine 28
There is only one thing you can do to be authentic and that is to discuss with him how you feel. This is what intimacy is all about. Talk with him before you put your profile back up. That is respect.
Lisa 29
@Erinlee #7:
You are definitely right, there are many women out there who are pretty manipulative and use men for whatever purposes.
However, I am describing one phenomena and although it’s common in women too, most people will probably agree with me that it’s a lot more common in men:
A person starts dating another person, seems/is really into that person, but not ready/not willing to committ and starts sleeping with them and acting like it’s more and like a relationship, but it’s actually not to that person.
Seriously, I have been there. You can’t believe the amount of emotional and physical intimacy someone can share with another person and still say it’s nothing serious in the end. It makes you almost go insane. Every person who’s been there, on the receiving end, knows what I mean. And unfortunately there are many men out there like that.
Women are just as good or bad as men. I am just referring to that particular phenomena.
@Saint Stephen #24:
NJTIY is not always the right view on things. There are many people out there who are emotionally way too damaged to committ. I am one of those, I guess. I went on a first date with that one particular guy months ago. The other day, we had our second. I don’t want to be exclusive or anything, I feel I prefer being alone, being in control. It’s a horrible feeling! I feel trapped, scared, full of anxiety. Don’t want to give anyone the power over my emotions because I have been hurt so bad.
But I am oh so into him! I look at his pics on FB all the time, I dream of him, long for him, gets worse all the time. JUST SO SCARED!
I think this entire “he/she is just not that into you” is bs to a certain degree. We are all human beings and every guy and every girl could mate and be together – in theory. But then attractiveness and tons of other stuff comes into play for selecting a mate. And “being into someone” is just basically the state of liking somebody enough to want to spend more time and see a future. But this can be strongly influenced by your personal situation or your emotional damage. Or do you think a psychopath or somebody on a certain psychopath scale can be into someone? I mean for real?
And I think NJTIY is overrated. You can totally learn to be into someone if you are capable of committing. If you have a loving heart and are self-confident, it’s easy. And you don’t need the perfect person for that.
But if you are a mess, chances are you will never be into someone enough.
Goldie 30
@ St Stephen #24
If Lucy, is still contemplating dating other men it means she is NTIH and needs to move on. When a Woman is vastly interested in someone they try to make the relationship work. They don’t go about trying to date other men. Furthermore a divided attention will lead the relationship to a Natural death, even if it was supposed to succeed.
Absolutely disagree with every sentence in here. First of all, there is no such thing as love at first sight. You cannot be vastly interested in someone to the point where you drop everything else and “try to make the relationship work” after 3-5 dates, because at that point, there is no relationship. You do not know the person. Actually, if you are “vastly interested” very early on, I’d say it’s a red flag. Take a step back and try to understand why you are so invested in someone who’s still a stranger.
Divided attention is a good thing at that stage – it lets a woman keep her head on her shoulders, see things in perspective, and not smother the poor guy that she still knows next to nothing about!
Also, helps to remember when I’m out dating – every one of the guys I’m seeing is dating multiple women, unless otherwise specified. No need to send him running for the hills telling him he’s the only one. Heck, if I were suddenly down to one guy for whatever reason, that I hadn’t agreed to be exclusive with, I probably wouldn’t admit it to him that there are no others.
Whenever a woman is keeping her options open she wants to see how many wealthier more good looking guys are out there that she might just be quickly passing on.
Ugh, seriously? You think it’s all about money and looks with women? You think we just go to the highest bidder? Honestly! If I were a man and had this opinion about women, I wouldn’t be dating!!
@ #25
“I have never read a forum note from a guy that says we have mind blowing sex and she never called”
I’ve done it (more or less – there were probably a few emails or texts to let him down gently) on a few occasions. Sometimes you just walk out of there knowing it’s not working, to the point where you cannot face the person again. So yeah, happens to guys too. Guys just wouldn’t admit it to others, let alone share it on internet forums.
@ Jesse #21
I’d say that most women think that sleeping with a guy means the relationship is moving to another level. They also assume that that’s what it means for the guy.
Yep, that was my biggest learning moment of this year – that, up until the two people have explicitly talked about moving to another level, no one is moving anywhere. No one owes anybody anything just by default, before, after, or in the bedroom. I didn’t know that. It’s actually not as bad as it sounds. I, too, want to reserve the right to back out of a relationship if it’s not working, even after we’ve, gasp, had sex.
@ #29
And I think NJTIY is overrated. You can totally learn to be into someone if you are capable of committing. If you have a loving heart and are self-confident, it’s easy. And you don’t need the perfect person for that.
Totally agree with you on this one. Guys and girls, let’s face it – for most of us on this forum, we’re in our 40s and 50s, we have kids, health problems, lack of sleep, limited finances, whatever else. We are not going to blow anyone away at first sight with our stunning good looks. Last time we could pull that one off, was probably in the Eighties! BUT. We’ve been through a lot. We’ve experienced a lot, we’ve learned a lot. We’re intelligent, we’re compassionate, we’re fun, we’re understanding and open-minded… we can grow on a person over time. Time being the key word.
Dan 31
@Lisa #29:
Interesting and honest revelation about yourself. As a man, even if I really really liked you, I would run fast, knowing your emotional issues around commitment. How could I be vulnerable with someone who can, in great likelihood, not commit, or eventually run after I invest emotionally into something. Time is short in finding a relationship once one is over 30, and particularly 35, and I’m not about to waste months or years someone who is not ready or never will be again.
With all due respect, it is women like this that I run into a lot in my dating experiences. It saddens me.
Why do you still date, when I think you should seek self-discovery and therapy?
nathan 32
Ruby #27 – I guess I’m not arguing that people should never date more than one person in the first month or two. It’s more about an attitude of increasing options, and maintaining constant openness. I can recall one time where I met two women within a short period of time, and there was an overlap in dating for maybe three or four weeks before one fizzled out. That’s not a major problem in my view. But that’s different than continuing to “fish” for weeks or even months into dating someone.
As for your other comment, I can think of at least four or five times where I was with a woman who had no problem rushing into sex, but was very slow and/or hesitant when it came to emotional connection. Seriously, I was the one trying to slow things down sexually. I think women want to think that men are much more likely to play the sex without emotional commitment game, but I just don’t think it’s the case anymore.
Nicole 33
How are people arriving at all of these conclusions about the letter writer’s past? I didn’t see a whole narrative about a history of moving too fast or lack of chemistry or not being into him.
She has been on 5 dates with this man. 5.
I can’t believe that anyone would suggest pulling down profiles after 3 dates, which is when he suggested it.
And she didn’t say anything about chemistry or attraction. It sounds like she is getting to know him, and she agreed to something that they shouldn’t have so done early on.
I guess it is only awkward b/c she does want to keep seeing him, but I see nothing wrong with her motives for keeping her profile up. She pulled it down too soon and could not possibly know if this man is a keeper yet.
I mean, I read some male commenters complaining that women dump them b/c they don’t have instant chemistry, and she seems to be working at a reasonable rate to see where they go.
But as she’s doing that, there is nothing wrong with her emailing people.
Everyone has different rules about how they deal with online dating. There isn’t really one right or wrong way, although there are better ways, which is where a dating coach comes in. And when you meet someone line, you don’t know and can’t expect that they follow the same “rules” for how they manage their online dating “portfolio.” All you can do is make sure you discuss when you are really a couple and when you are exclusive so you don’t sleep with someone who is dating 5 other women or men (if in fact you don’t have sex outside a committed relationship).
I’m not sure, but I think the reasonable advice would be that you shouldn’t take down your profile until you feel someone is your boyfriend/girlfriend or is likely to become that.
Some people only want to talk to one person at a time, some people schedule multiple dates and see who the best option is. I don’t think either is wrong until you discuss it and agree that you’re going to be on the same page, but I dont’ see how anyone thinks that that should occur on date 3 or date 5.
People act like everyone is always trolling for something better(and I’m sure some people are) but it’s also positioning yourself for the possibility that EITHER person could bail at either time if they decide it’s not working. And yeah, in these casual early dating situations, it is probably better to have options lined up.
If I meet someone who is nice, it’s not about, oh, I’ll keep my profile up so I can find someone who is taller, smarter, or richer. It’s about, let me keep this up in case this fizzles out. B/c the next guy could be “less than” and not “greater than” but still be a better match for me. And that is true for men or women. You aren’t necessarily breaking up with someone or being broken up with because they want someone better. They just want someone that is better for them.
She should put her profile up if it’s what she wants to do, let him know since she is concerned about his feelings, and if he leaves he leaves. Maybe he always moves fast and needs someone who does.
nathan 34
Nicole, there’s a big difference between feeling that someone is “nice” and saying “I really like him” and listing off reasons why. A woman I went on 4 dates with last winter comes to mind. The time we spent together was comfortable. We got along fairly well. But I really wasn’t sure what to think overall. And I don’t think she was either. And while I didn’t go on dates with anyone else during that month, if someone interesting had shown up, I probably would have considered doing so. Specifically because I felt lukewarm about the current situation.
Lucy doesn’t sound lukewarm at all. Sure, she doesn’t know what the future will bring for them, and she certainly worried about rushing, an old pattern for her it sounds like. But I hear her saying that she’s into this guy. Enough to write a letter to a dating coach for advice. And that’s why I think adding more options, or opening the door to more options by re-posting the profile, is questionable at best.
And overall, I just disagree with the idea of always running your dating life with the idea that “you better have options lined up” because people ‘tend to bail.” It just feels like a set up for failure. Certainly, if you’re completely lukewarm about someone, it makes sense to keep an open door for a little while. But if you like someone enough that you’re worried about losing them by asking them to slow the relationship down, then it makes sense to not complicate that more by adding more options to the equations.
Goldie 35
@ Nathan #34, one reason I’ve heard people give for multiple dating is that, by doing it, you save yourself from the danger of attaching to one person too much, too soon, and/or for the wrong reasons. I don’t care if she says she really likes him. If I tried to count the number of people I dated this year alone that I really liked after two dates, who turned out to be a really bad idea afterwards, I’d probably run out of fingers.It’s still too soon to tell, she knows it’s too soon to tell, which is why she wants her profile back up. I like Nicole’s take on this one. And I think Lucy does need to take the honest approach and tell him – look, we all make mistakes, here’s mine – I took my profile down sooner than I was comfortable with. Can I put it back up, and you can put yours up too if you’d like? Then see what he says and where it goes from there. Yeah this is likely to hurt his feelings, but you know what will hurt his feelings a lot more? – this whole thing dragging out for months, with Lucy having doubts about it the entire time and eventually breaking it off.
I’m kinda trying to understand why this guy took the one-sided profile-take-down approach – “I’m taking mine down, and you’re free to do what you want”. If he took it down in order to concentrate on Lucy and what the two of them have together, then shouldn’t that have been a mutual decision, rather than him dropping the bomb on her? If he took it down for his own reasons not related to Lucy, then why did he tell her at all? I am sort of questioning the guy on this one. I’m not sure how I’d react if someone did this to me. That’s a lot of pressure on the other person when you tell them you’re taking your profile down, IMO. It puts the person on the spot, like now they have obligations to you because of what you did, even though you didn’t ask their opinion on it. BTW I might be taking mine down in the next few days *knock on wood* But, if I do, it will be a mutual decision that we will have talked about, which of course will place certain expectations on me and the other person.
“And overall, I just disagree with the idea of always running your dating life with the idea that “you better have options lined up” because people ‘tend to bail.” It just feels like a set up for failure.”
Yeah, when worded like that, it does. But to me, the above comment is just another way of saying what I mentioned higher up on this thread – that nobody owes you anything unless and until the two of you have specifically agreed upon something. “You better have your options lined up” just because, for all intents and purposes, you’re not committed to anyone and no one is committed to you, so you in fact don’t have much of a right to build your life around one person – it would border on invading their privacy, in my opinion. That’s how I read Nicole’s comment.
Ruby 36
Goldie #35
I once dated someone who told me he was taking his profile down after about a month or so of dating (no sex). He also told me that he didn’t expect me to take mine down if I wasn’t ready yet. I appreciated that, and didn’t see it as “dropping a bomb”, but more that he wanted to let me know he was serious about me, but didn’t want me to feel pressured before I was ready. Lucy’s guy said the same thing, but she took hers down anyway.
I think having options is good if it keeps you from focusing prematurely on one person. Unfortunately, people do tend to bail, or you find something out about the other person that is a deal-breaker. You can like someone a lot and still want to take things slowly.
nathan 37
You know, if you need to keep the option door open because that’s how you can keep yourself from overly focusing and attaching to someone too early, then I guess that’s what you need to do. It seems to me wiser to learn how to be with someone, decide to focus on whether they are a good match or not, and also not get too hooked early on by good feelings. In other words, I’m saying develop the inner skills to slow down and create appropriate boundaries, instead of constantly jockeying options to keep from getting sucked in prematurely.
Saint Stephen 38
Goldie Said: (#30)
Ugh, seriously? You think it’s all about money and looks with women? You think we just go to the highest bidder? Honestly! If I were a man and had this opinion about women, I wouldn’t be dating!!
Why?? Why?? Why wouldn’t you be dating??
Lisa 39
@Dan #31:
You are right, I totally agree with you. I probably shouldn’t be dating. The thing is, I have been with a few commitment phobic people myself, and combined with a few childhood issues I have turned into a difficult person. I am working on it with all my heart. Just for you to know, I have been “dating” a commitment phobic guy for more than a year recently. So I have been through the same thing you have been through.
The problem with staying away from dating is… As men are more likely to chase, they won’t leave you alone. This guy has continued pursuing me. Not meaning to put the blame on him, I have tried to stay away but it’s hard if you are constantly being offered opportunities to date. I will talk to him soon though and your comment reinforced me in doing that! Thank you!
I don’t seek out opportunities to date actively. I am 28 years old, men chase me all the time. I am single, friendly, I have a good career, I am cute (I really don’t want to sound like I am bragging, I just want to explain my situation) – almost every week someone new is trying to spend time with me. And when there is someone I might like… well of course I have a huge desire to connect with a human being!! I try to shake him off but he can tell there’s chemistry. Tell a guy to stay a way from a girl he can tell is interested in him and he finds attractive!
Another problem that I have that these asshole type of guys chase me all the time. I have to find a way to find out what they’re about before I get myself into deep trouble and heartbreak again.
I hate being in that situation. I feel like shit. I am actually doing some kind of therapy but it doesn’t work overnight. I wouldn’t sleep with them for fun although I’d like to, just to let you know. I don’t want to use anyone.
BTW if you look at my blog I am really trying hard to manage to date healthily.
Thank you for your honest words.
Jesse 40
Lisa@39: Word!
Goldie 41
#38: If I were a man, and thought that women’s selection process is choosing the man with the most money, I would not be dating, because I would not want to spend any time with anybody that’s only interested in my wallet and not myself as a person. Hope this answers your question.
Of course, in my opinion, even though there probably are women who care about the man’s financial assets first and foremost, these women are not in the majority by far.
Joe 42
@ Dan #26:
I strongly suspect that deleting your profile from a dating site is no easier than deleting a Facebook profile, which is supposedly still stored even if you delete it. Also, be practical: if someone just hides their profile, it’s there the next time they’re single. You can’t realistically expect every person you date enough to take your profile down to be The One. I have zero problem with someone hiding their profile while in a relationship, and unhiding it when they break up. Leaving your profile up but not logging in isn’t that bad either, although IMO does smack of laziness.
Nicole 43
@Nathan,
Yes, Goldie was right about what I meant. I thought I made that clear. Better means better for the person in question, and I do think it is better not to get to tied up/invested in one person, and I don’t think there is any one way to do this that suits everyone.
The whole online thing, in my opinion, reverses the natural order of things, and can create a false rapport b/c you might have a lengthy and positive phone conversation with someone but the truth is, unlike real connections, a person could take one look at you and be ready to leave.
It shocks me how often people dont’ have their pictures up, b/c that really is a filtering mechanism (and no, not because everyone wants someone who looks like a model or movie star). And then they are in turn shocked when someone that they’ve been talking to for weeks and feels like a friend is done with them after a first meeting. So I personally don’t reply to anyone who doesn’t have a picture. Of course, in real life, you can’t hide your looks and lead with your personality, so you at least know that you’ve cleared two important hurdles there.
But I guess my point is that you shouldn’t get too settled or comfortable on any one person b/c it will take a few meetings (assuming both people are interested in continuing) to know if someone even short term could develop.
I realize some people prefer dealing with one person at a time, but to others, that means that every time someone blows you off, it feels like a mini-breakup, which isn’t rational with someone you don’t really know, but it is just how it sometimes registers, esp. if the early meeting is promising. And I think even some people who follow a one at a time rule still have a queue.
I personally think it’s better to treat the whole thing like networking, where you meet as many people as possible and see what shakes out. If I was looking for a job, I wouldn’t send out a resume and wait 6 weeks to hear from HR. I’m going to send out a bunch and I’m going to take calls from anyone interested and if that means 10 phone screens in a week, so be it.
That doesn’t work for everyone and that is fine, but as I said, there isn’t any one way to do this, just way that is best for you that hopefully lets you put your best foot forward and also keep your head in the game, which can be hard to do after a lot of disappointments.
I just think that whatever your method is, if a real relationship starts, you should confirm it with the person in question, and not by stalking the number of times he/she logs into Match, and whether he/she took down or hid his/her profile at the same time as you. Why would any of that matter if you wind up in a real relationship, which really can only be confirmed by discussing it…not by Match log-ins or sex, or any of the other ways people convince themselves mean something.
Heather 44
@Lea 15,
I so agree with what you’re thinking. I’ve had this happen to me a number of times online. A guy would indicate to me that this was going somewhere, I’d take my profile down of my own free will, and then bam, they’d roll out and nine times out of ten, not have the courtesy to tell me that they weren’t ready for a relationship or something serious, etc.
My course of action now is to keep it up, and even if I have had a few dates, to keep on meeting and getting to know different men. In fact, Rori Raye in her dating coaching emails I get, encourages “circular dating” until a man is ready to commit.
I totally realize no one gender is superior, we are both capable of being mean. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be one heck of a lot more careful with men, and keep my options open. It’s a great way to keep from getting my heart trampled on again!
Goldie 45
@ Nicole:
The whole online thing, in my opinion, reverses the natural order of things…
I wasn’t a huge fan of the natural order of things, actually (I dated in the 80s), where you could meet a guy on a dance floor, go out multiple times, date for weeks and still not know much about him other than that he’s cute and a good dancer. Heck, some people even got married that way. So, I like it about the “online thing” that you can have a meeting of the minds right away.
What is different about “the online thing”, and creates a whole different dynamics that wasn’t there in the 80s, is that you’re talking to total strangers that you have never met in your life, so, yeah, you can be emailing back and forth for weeks and still not know how things will go in a personal meeting.
It shocks me how often people dont’ have their pictures up
Can I add something to this one? Guys, don’t leave your height as blank. It just isn’t a good idea. You’re not fooling anyone into thinking you’re 6’4″, but you do get a lot of women wondering if you aren’t really three feet tall in real life. Or if you have such deep-seated issues related to your looks, you’re afraid to even tell people what your real height is. So what if you’re 5’7″? Say it loud and say it proud. I’m 5’9″ and I will still go out with you if you’re smart, funny and positive. Blanks under “height”, though, that’s just a red flag.
Lucy 46
Hi – Lucy here – I’m overwhelmed at the response my question has had!
After too much thinking, I decided to take my profile down and I’ve been dating Darren for two months. Things are going really well.
I told him I wanted to take things slow and didn’t intend to sleep with him for 3 months. He was totally fine with this – which I thought was great! He said he appreciated my honesty. It even said he liked the fact I brought it up – it helped him know what my intentions were. We ended up sleeping together at the 2 month mark – my decision – the timing felt right – but not before we both got tested. I was nervous asking him – but he was ok about it!
All is going well so far – and I’m glad I didn’t put my profile back up. But it has taught me a valuable lesson - to not be afraid to say no - or hang on – I need to think about it! It’s only early days, but I’m really enjoying his company and I think he feels the same!
Lucy
Saint Stephen 47
@Goldie (#41)
Contrary to what you said research did prove that women interested in a Man’s finances fall in the vast majority.
Personally i have no problem if a woman is primarily interested in me as a wallet- if i’m also getting what i need. Most relationships are trade-offs.
Realistically speaking, something has to attract a lady to see your other good qualities. Unsuccessful men don’t get turned down by women b/c they weren’t amazing people, rather because the women never cared to look past their financial status to discover their great qualities.
To be truthful- Absolutely no woman is ever interested in any man as a person. There must be the attracting factor such as looks, money, education etc.
Goldie 48
@ St Stephen
“Personally i have no problem if a woman is primarily interested in me as a wallet- if i’m also getting what i need. Most relationships are trade-offs.”
Um… most relationships are, indeed, trade-offs, but not in this way. What you’re referring to isn’t called a relationship — there’s a different name for it.
You wouldn’t have links or references to any of the research you mention, would you? Just curious to see some of it, because no one has ever researched me, or my girlfriends, and because I do not know any woman personally who chose a man primarily for his money.
@ Lucy #46 – thanks for the update. Good to hear that things are going so well for you both!!
Saint Stephen 49
@Goldie
According to stats- a vast majority (74%) of American women say they would marry for money.
http://biz.yahoo.com/wallstreet/071214/sb119760031991928727_id.html?.v=1
I believe both you and your friends fall under the minute 26% exceptions.
“Like-minded” beings mingle together; Hence i could forgive your oblivious state. But arguing that women do not primarily chose men for money just because you and your friends aren’t so- is what i find insufferable.
Give me a woman who’s interested in me as a person and i’ll marry her in a heartbeat.
Ruby 50
St Stephen #49
The actual question the study asked was:”How willing are you to marry an average-looking person that you liked, if they had money?” It didn’t ask people if they would marry someone they didn’t like just for money. It didn’t ask if money was the prime motivator for courtship. It didn’t specify marriage to someone you liked, but did not love. Simplistic question, simplistic answer.
Goldie 51
@ St Stephen.
From the article that you linked:
“The survey polled 1,134 people nationwide with incomes ranging between $30,000 to $60,000 (squarely in the median range for nationwide incomes). The survey asked: “How willing are you to marry an average-looking person that you liked, if they had money?”"
That’s a little different from what you’re stating here – that women choose men for money first, followed by all other factors, and that they will leave a man with less money if a man with more money comes along. Who the heck wouldn’t agree to marry an average-looking person that they liked and that is financially stable?
“But arguing that women do not primarily chose men for money just because you and your friends aren’t so- is what i find insufferable.”
Calling 74% of all women hookers is what I find unsufferable. To each their own, I guess. Good luck with your shopping.
Saint Stephen 52
@Goldie
I think you are missing the basic point. There is an underlying inegligible factor, which still remains “Money”
If a reversed question should be asked that how many women will marry a man they ordinarily liked with little money? i suspect we would get an overwhelming No! for an answer.
There is a difference between like and love. Most women claim to only marry for love. Hence money becomes the prime factor that translates “like” into “love”. I could cite up other links and references, but i feel i’ve gotten my message across.
Fyi- i do not call such women hookers or “gold diggers” believe me is nothing negative in my view. I understand it to be the female psyche and i’m learning to work with it.
Goldie 53
Let’s go back to the start, shall we? This rather pointless discussion started with your #24:
“Whenever a woman is keeping her options open she wants to see how many wealthier more good looking guys are out there that she might just be quickly passing on. “
This apparently refers to the OP wanting to keep her profile up, apparently because she’s waiting for a richer guy to come along. Never mind that the OP has since come back and posted an update saying that all is well between her and the man she’d written about.
“There is a difference between like and love. Most women claim to only marry for love. Hence money becomes the prime factor that translates “like” into “love”
There is no “hence”. The 1,367 survey participants were not asked whether they would only marry for love. The article, in fact, arrives at a conclusion that they would not only marry for love, based on their answers.
“Fyi- i do not call such women hookers or “gold diggers” believe me is nothing negative in my view. I understand it to be the female psyche and i’m learning to work with it. “
But, but, this is even worse! “You girls sell your love to the highest bidder, but that’s okay, you can’t help it, that’s a part of your female psyche”. Great, now we’re born hookers and will die hookers and there’s nothing we can do about it, because Teh Studies said so.
I do, however, realize that, for some guys, it might be comforting to think that, given enough money, they could buy any woman they want, regardless of their own personal qualities. Well, whatever makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside, I guess!
Evan Marc Katz 54
@St. Stephen: “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt .” — George Eliot
It’s so clear which commenters have the ability to listen to reason and fact, and which ones have a clear agenda. Stephen, my friend, the more you write, the more it’s clear that you’re not really getting it. You’re willfully ignoring facts to suit your belief that women are golddiggers and women who are loose make for bad wives or some such nonsense.
Ladies, Stephen doesn’t speak for all men. He speaks for a certain swath of men, just as women who see men as evil speak for a certain cohort of women.
Let’s allow them cancel each other out and discuss how to find partnerships with other reasonable people who don’t have an axe to grind against the opposite sex.
Ruby 55
EMK #54
“It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt .” — George Eliot
The quote is generally attributed to Abraham Lincoln. In any case, it made me laugh out loud!
Jennifer 56
@Evan #54- One of my favorite quotes!
Ray 57
In the online dating world, a guy taking down his profile in 5 dates just means they are two dates past the point the guy thought he’d be getting sex from her.
Tell him you won’t have sex for three months and see how fast he pops his profile back up…
SalsaQ 58
“Taking the profile down” is given too much weight. If someone is using their profile, that means something, just as if they are going to singles bars and events. If it is just sitting there being ignored, that means something too. And how hard is it to put a profile back up once it is deleted? A few hours work maybe? Deleting a profile demonstrates as much commitment as spending an afternoon detailing your dating partner’s car or making a set of curtains for him.
I would be suspicious of anyone who makes a point to tell me they took down their profile to demonstrate their commitment. How many dating sites are there where they could still have an active profile? Are you going to check them all?
If a man tells me they are not going to date anyone else I will trust them or not, but not based on the evidence that they have destroyed a few hours worth of work. If I ask him to take it down and he refuses, that is a clear signal, but if he does, it does not mean all that much. I could also simply ask “are you committed to me exclusively” ?
To the OP: it is his problem if you are honest about where you are and you tell him you are putting the profile up because you want to meet more men. Putting it up and not telling him is dishonest, especially if a friend of his points it out to him. Be kind, tell him you are still interested in getting to know him better, and if he sticks around or not either way you will learn something about him
Clare 59
I have to say, the whole being exclusive vs. not being exclusive thing was an eye-opening concept for me when I started reading American websites. Though I’m white and subscribe to western culture, I live in South Africa and we don’t have the exclusive vs. non-exclusive concept here. The talk about “let’s not see other people” after several dates literally does not happen here, as it is assumed that you are not seeing anyone else. To do so would be regarded as awful behaviour here. If you were found out, it would definitely mean you had blown it with the original person, as there is a strong expectation of fidelity early on.
No judgment, just a different cultural perspective.
I sometimes wish that it was more socially acceptable here to date several people at once, as often you simply are not sure. And yes, I think Evan’s advice about how Lucy should approach it is open and tactful.
As I say, I wish more people were open to that approach here, because if you were to admit you wanted to continue to keep your options open here, you would most certainly never hear from that person again!
MsLoveability 60
Absolutely Lucy you can, (even thou this is probably too late for Lucy, I figure it will help my process, answer why I also have a little difficulty, and naturally gravitate towards making it more comfortable for the guy rather than me)
You get to put yourself first and do what is best for you.
You are in charge of getting what you require.
If your communication is thought out and done with integrity and kindness, even if the message isn’t what the other person wants to hear, it is what is real/truthful in that moment.
I agree with Evan and tapping deeper into integrity.
Everyone has there own best interests at heart.
”I am going to take my profile down”……
What does that even mean?, I don’t know what he is offering you…
1. Is he a bit sick of dating, coming up to a busy period at work, has more than enough contacts to keep him going…..
2. Wants to give it a go with you, without distraction (I am sure a lot of men would, have you some what qualified each other)
3. Wants to be exclusive with you? (I didn’t read that and wouldn’t unless it had been communicated.)
Wants to take you off the market, lock in the deal and start building a build-able relationship with you.
Personally as I really want to be in a committed relationship, with a guy that is marriage minded I have no intention of taking myself off the market, becoming unavailable (becoming prematurely exclusive) or to stop looking for my future husband until I met him.
You said it all is your question…….
“Thank you so much, I feel flattered, I really like you, besides being, sweet, caring and affectionate I feel very attracted you – I am really glad we met. I want to feel because of my past rushing into relationships I promised myself this time I would take it a little slower, so I feel comfortable with my decision. I need to continue to date you and others until I feel secure that I truly want to be your girlfriend. I think it What do you think of that?”
As for you feeling that 3 months is the minimum amount of time you require. I understand this, although I don’t have a set time it is probably about that amount of time till I feel it is worth taking the risk for me, as I know myself, even thou I am resilient, I am also very receptive to bonding, ridiculously loyal and easily see the good in people. Hence because I am kind to myself I have no desire to put myself thru the “de bonding” period unless my head and heart calculated it over time that it is a solid communicated, thought out risk.
A man may not like it and still if he is not willing to wait, or discuss/communicate till you are feeling more comfortable, I personally wouldn’t find that appealing even thou he is totally within his rights to do that. He is looking after himself and hopefully you are looking after yourself and will find compatibility.
Lucy, hopefully you are still getting this thread, I would be curious how it went with this guy and how much more comfortable you have got with prioritizing your feelings with men in the interim.