Comments on: How Do I Stop Over-Analyzing How My Boyfriend Communicates?

By: Jacqueline

Jacqueline — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 23:27:24 +0000

#45 Helen:
Beth, reading what you added in your comments: It seems that you two were in different stages of your life, and thus were incompatible, so you did the right thing by cutting him loose. He is in a transitional and busy stage: periods when he has to be the sole parent (parenting is extremely difficult, time-consuming work!), juggling duties with his ex-wife, starting a new job… You, on the other hand, seem to be in a relatively more stable position with fewer demands on your time. If you do not want to be with someone who has that many demands and hence is more unreliable when it comes to relationships, it’s something to keep in mind when you enter your next relationship.

It sounds as though you want to be someone’s first priority, and he cannot, at this stage in life, make you his first priority. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. But his may not be the type you want.
Thanks Helen. You hit the nail on the head for me. You’ve just described my situation. My guy – 5 months dating a single dad, spends a lot of time with work, has the most beautiful giving heart. But his commitment right now is to his work, providing for his kids and being a dad. I’m not a priority, though I know in my heart of hearts without any doubt, he loves me. He has made it clear that he cannot give up what he is currently doing in his life. So our timing may be just off. As you described, yes I want that relationship, and the priority and the mutual nurturing that it takes. It’s hard because I know we have love, but we don’t really have much of a relationship due to our different circumstances.
#60 Ronnie
But it helps to know what your deal breakers are. For some, not communicating is acceptable. For others, it’s a major assault. I always tell my dating coaching clients that if your date’s behavior impacts your self esteem, its a deal breaker. So now you’ll need to decide on a scale of 1-10, just how annoying and frequent his lack of communication and consideration are and if that is a deal breaker
Thanks to you Ronnie as well. I was trying to find some experience tht I could learn from and your comment hit the spot. My guy is a wonderful person with such a good heart, it frustrates me how he doesn’t return my texts or calls, much like the OP. He’s never stood me up or will call if he is on his way and rarely late, his communication is really something to be desired. And as people have said, this is just the way he is, because his family and friends have apparently complained about his behaviour as well. Before I met this man, one of the things I’m looking for in my relationship is communication and it’s really important to me. I, too wasn’t sure whether I’m just thinking too much. But communication isn’t the only thing. As I’ve eluded to above, he just has very little room in his life for me and a relationship at the moment. He says he wants it, but my gut says he doesn’t want it enough…at least not now. In my case I don’t see this affecting my self-esteem, so much as I am not feeling that he gives me or the relationship the respect we deserve, in the context of a relationship.
I havent made a decision yet, simply because I wasn’t sure if I was overthinking things, and because when there’s love, it’s not easy to just walk away from that. I think I may just try to be CALM for a little while and just let things BE and not overthink… Let me absorb things and let things play out. I am hoping if I do that, then the answer will come to me, things might be more clear, and I’d be in a better place to make a choice at that time.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 06:28:46 +0000

I wasted a lot of time with guys who bailed and didn’t answer text messages. Beth, be with a REAL man who will do the things you like. Waiting after someone who ends up being your past sucks and you obviously deserve a man who knows what he wants. I talk by experience, and I am finally with a guy who wants the same things as me and who dedicates himself to me and CREATES time for me. He’s got his quirks, but they don’t affect my relationship with him.
Flush this fish down the toilet!

By: Clare

Clare — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 11:30:09 +0000

(Sorry for the second consecutive post, Evan.) Beth, I’ve just read your follow-up comments, and I wholeheartedly think you did the right thing to end it. My boyfriend’s lapses in communication are not anywhere near like that; I think what your guy did veers out of the personality quirk category and over into thoughtless and inconsiderate.

As Ronnie Ann said above, the big decider is how it makes you feel. If it is just a minor annoyance, that one can learn to live with. If it impacts your self-esteem that signals something very much needs to change.

By: Clare

Clare — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 11:09:34 +0000

Brilliant advice, Evan! And I smiled wryly to myself as I read this because her boyfriend’s flaws are my boyfriend’s flaws. Wonderful man. He skypes me every day but he rarely phones, and sometimes there are lapses which are frustrating. But he is like that with everyone, not just me.

It frustrated me a lot more in the beginning than it does now, and I made the decision that the good FAR outweighs the bad. And given that our lines of communication are more or less always open, and have been for two years, I am not going to make this a deal breaker. As Evan says, the next guy could have flaws which are as annoying or more so, and you alone know if it’s something you can live with. Instinctively, I think we want to jump on our partners flaws, but the reality is that we can learn to live with a lot if the relationship is basically a supportive, loving one.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 17:52:51 +0000

Denise, Although it’s very unpleasant to confront, you are correct.

By: Denise

Denise — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 13:15:28 +0000

#82 starthrower

I get what you’re saying and I get that from your posts. I know how you feel, You do X, you don’t get what you want; you do Y, you don’t get what you what. What the heck?! I have been where you are, I think many of us have.

There is a different way though. I would just ask that you consider there’s a different way and be open to it. Give yourself over for X amount of time to DOING things different and see how it goes. Maybe put dating on the back burner right now and work on being the best self you can be.

Where things can be improved is by thinking totally differently. You can ONLY control yourself, NO ONE else. It sounds like you’re giving this man power over you. You’re feeling frustrated with this man because you’re trying to ‘figure’ him out, and ultimately, trying to CONTROL him (you telling him HE’S not into you is a way of trying to control him to get him to react and treat you differently–passive/aggressive).

(By the way, I was the queen of passive/aggressive behavior, I can see if from a mile away

Right in line with what Cat is saying, if this man is not giving you the attention you want, then don’t expend any more energy on him. Don’t DO anything (DOING by the way is masculine energy), don’t contact him first. If he contacts you, be pleasant and friendly. If he asks where you’ve been, you’ve been busy taking care of family things. Don’t spend a lot of time on line with him, like Cat says, that’s wasted time and energy. “It was nice chatting with you tonight, I have to go. Have a great rest of the night!” — and MEAN it of course. If he doesn’t want to step up to interview to be an employee in YOUR company, that’s fine–there are plenty of other candidates.

I see no reason to pursue this, because I already know I can’t change anything. So I guess I’ll flirt with him but I’ll date or look for a relationship elsewhere.

This is contradictory, can you see that? If you feel like he’s not stepping up to the plate, then why flirt with him? Why expend that energy on him? I’m not saying to be mean or nasty, but rather friendly and INDIFFERENT.

If you flirt with him, but then give him comments about him not being into you, that’s passive/aggressive behavior.

The key is to Absolutely look for a MAN who is capable and willing to do relationship. This is opposite of looking for a relationship.

What does it really matter where this man is in his life, whether he’s capable of a relationship and why or why not, if he’s into you or not? The bottom line is he’s not DOING the actions he needs to make you feel feminine and wanted.

I’ve heard those words in my head constantly. It’s like a mantra. He’s just not that into you…..he’s just not that into you….he’s just not that into……

YOU can change your thinking, it’s up to you to decide if you want to do that or not. It does take focus and energy, eventually though, it becomes part of who you are.

How I’ve done this for myself, is not matter what is going on, instead of going negative, I FORCE myself to put something in a positive light. Instead of “I like that guy and he’s not calling me. There must be something wrong with me -OR- there’s something ‘wrong’ with him”, I would turn that around IMMEDIATELY in my head to, “Bummer that he’s not calling me, but I enjoyed the time we did spend together. We had a fun date and I had a fun time, I’m glad I met him. Not everyone is going to be into me. I think I’ll go take a bath and then watch that romantic comedy I’ve wanted to see and enjoy a glass of wine.”

I do that with EVERYTHING in life, so much so that people have said to me that I always put a positive spin on things.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 04:40:12 +0000

@ Cat #85, I know you’re correct. I guess I’m just not going to be available.

By: Cat

Cat — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 03:56:10 +0000

#84, starthrower68, That shouldn’t be your mantra. It should be “I’m not into him! I’m only into guys who make me feel good, who ask me out and then follow through, who don’t leave me wondering how they feel.” That may not meet the standard definition of a “mantra” but doesn’t it feel better than focusing so much on what he wants? Turn off the Skype. That shouldn’t be your only form of communication with a guy. And don’t flirt with anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself! Give that time to some other guy who appreciates you. The time you wasted with him on Skype, you could have been meeting someone new.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 03:24:38 +0000

@Cat, #82, believe me, I’ve heard those words in my head constantly. It’s like a mantra. He’s just not that into you…..he’s just not that into you….he’s just not that into……

By: Cat

Cat — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 02:51:06 +0000

#82, Starthrower, You're probably frustrated because you know from reading this blog that it doesn't matter what the guy tells you, it matters what he does. Definitely look elsewhere! And to remind you, check out this post.