How Do I Survive The Frustration Of Online Dating?
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None of this changes the quality of men, the quality of how they market themselves, and the quality of their interaction – all of which is, frankly, abysmal.
But one thing I know from 7 years of doing this job is this: a great profile and witty email doesn’t necessarily equal a great guy. And generic profiles and emails often mask amazing personalities. As a result, you really can’t tell anything from online dating – you just have to make the best with what you’ve got.
This is what I discovered as a customer service rep at JDate in 2001, and it’s the very thing in which I coach private clients every day: writing a unique, confident, specific, self-aware, witty profile that attracts more men and higher quality men; coming up with a one-of-a-kind username that instantly brands you and demands recognition, filtering through the wrong men, funneling the right men from email to the phone to the real life date, keeping a healthy attitude about guys and maintaining an open mind about why they do what they do. It’s a lot of stuff, but it’s finite and it can be conquered. Soon, everything will open up for you.
Your job is not to stop the “wrong” men from writing to you.
So instead of complaining: “The wrong men always write to me!” you will soon remember, “Aha! Most men are the wrong men. In fact, 90% of guys I would never even consider dating. Which means that I can’t get upset when I don’t like 90% of the emails I receive. And I must be patient because I’m only open to 10% of the population. The higher your standards, the longer you will likely have to date online.” Simple shifts in perspective like this are life-saving, and allow you to persevere where you’d ordinarily quit.
Your job is not to stop the “wrong” men from writing to you. If you’re 29 and cute, they’re going to be coming out of the woodwork – 55 year old men from 100 miles away, telling you that you’re beautiful. Don’t sweat those guys. Men copy and paste emails because such a low percentage of women write back to them. It’s a bad strategy on their part, but you have to understand that they’re FAILURES and be a little more sympathetic to them.
If you want a better online dating experience, you have to learn three things: how to write a better profile, how to flirt with men and keep them interested, and how to initiate contact with the men YOU want in a funny, confident way.
Click here to learn more about how to do it.
My way far more effective than anything you’ve done before and it beats the hell out of more trial and error and frustration. Literally, my 64-year-old mother just went through all the Finding the One Online material and found a boyfriend in 1 month.
What do you think a 29-year-old could do if you learned how to do it right instead of complaining about how everything is wrong?
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56 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating
Leslie 1
I love the blog, although I don’t post often and had to add my .02 cents.
I live in a Northeast US city where the ratio of men to women is around 1:6. When I decided to try online dating (at the urging of some friends and Evan’s blog), I went in with the mindset that I was looking for quality not quantity. I only sent emails to guys whose profiles had the values that I was looking for and that were well written. Those were far and few in between, and most of those guys didn’t respond, just as the was mentioned in the question even though we were SO alike.
Although it was easy to get discouraged by lack of responses, I maintained the mindset that it didn’t matter whether I was emailing/meeting a 100 guys, 10 guys, or only one guy – at the end, I will end up with only one guy anyway, so I’m better of finding that one or few guys who a great match for me, rather than wanting to feel attractive or as though I have lots of option because there are 90 other guys paying attention to me who are not right at all.
After about a month of online dating, I had email exchanges with 6 or 7 guys, which materialized into dates with only two guys and one of those two dates has been my boyfriend for almost 6 months. I was blessed with a great guy, but also being committed to what I want, keeping a positive attitude, and always focusing on quality over quantity I’m sure helped a ton!
Regina 2
Leslie #1 wrote, “I maintained the mindset that it didn’t matter whether I was emailing/meeting a 100 guys, 10 guys, or only one guy – at the end, I will end up with only one guy anyway, so I’m better of finding that one or few guys who a great match for me, rather than wanting to feel attractive or as though I have lots of option because there are 90 other guys paying attention to me who are not right at all.”
Excellent point, Leslie! What you wrote reminds me of the book, “What Color is Your Parachute?” The author basically uses the same analogy when looking for a job after you’ve been downsized (or in the case of love, dumped). It doesn’t matter if 95% of the companies (guys) aren’t interested in hiring you. The goal is to weed through the 95% that don’t want you for whatever reason, and find the 5% that DO want you. Out of that 5%, you only need ONE company (guy) that wants to make YOU an offer (for a job or that of girlfriend). Evan provides the tools to do that – all we have to do is apply what we’ve learned from him.
Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach 3
Evan – great advice! I tell my dating coaching clients who are over 40 this all the time. You don’t want to stop the flow of men even though they are the wrong men – the Universe will get the wrong message that you don’t want men! So don’t let the wrong men bother you.
Instead, recognzie this as evidence that you are very attractive and internally thank them for admiring you. This builds self-esteem rather than making yourself feel bad about the wrong guys wanting you.
Like Evan says, so what if 90% are wrong – there are still 10% that count. Focus on what is right to see the possibilites crop up. At 29, you still have loads of choices!
Karl R 4
Angie said: (original post)
“Or they make me think these guys have me on a pedestal – ‘If you don’t mind me saying, I think you are beautiful, and your profile seems so genuine. I hope you write back!’”
That guy doesn’t sound like he has you on a pedestal. It sounds like an uninspired (almost cliche) email to me.
Angie said: (original post)
“these guys haven’t responded. I’m thinking, ‘We are SO alike, why aren’t you responding?’”
Leslie said: (#1)
“most of those guys didn’t respond, just as the was mentioned in the question even though we were SO alike.”
Almost every guy who does online dating goes through that same scenario … again and again and again. I would spend hours searching for women who seemed like good matches. I would send a carefully crafted email, and then … nothing.
A lot of men get frustrated, so they stop writing original, personal emails, and do unoriginal, copy & paste emails instead. It’s a bad strategy on their part, but when well-written emails get so little response, it’s hard to see the point in putting in the time.
That’s one reason why you’ll get so many boring emails. The men who send them are acting on the frustration that you already feel.
Hopefully you’ll find the situation a bit less frustrating now that you understand what’s going on.
Sayanta 5
What I’m confused about – guys with generic, adjective-laden profiles tell me they’re clueless or really don’t care about the process of attracting women? How are these guys going to be amazing boyfriends?
Sayanta 6
One more thing- if guys really are going through the same woes the op is, as Karl says, wouldn’t they be Grateful to get an email from the op? Unless this is male revenge at it’s finest
Evan Marc Katz 7
If you think, Sayanta, that the ability to write an effective online dating profile has anything to do with a man’s ability to treat you well, act responsibly and loyally, save money, offer commitment and emotional support, then you’re really overestimating the value of an online dating profile. Put another way: pretty much every woman who ever came to me had a crappy generic profile. Does that mean they’re all clueless and are doomed to be bad girlfriends?
No, it does not.
Michael17 8
I myself don’t have any sympathy for guys who write bad emails, especially because they are my competition. A guy is frustrated? Too bad. Either play to win or get the hell out.
I have good pictures and a well-written profile. I write a great first email. I still get maybe a 15% response rate on the emails I send. Out of those 15% who write me back, I will end up meeting up with maybe 50% of those. I know what it is like to spend a lot of time crafting a great email to a woman on PoF who looks like a mutual great match and have it gotten “Read Deleted”. As Leslie and Regina put it though, that means if I find 30 profiles I really like in a month, 4 or 5 will write me back, and I will get 2 first dates that I am excited to go by.
Now, what Evan said about a great profile not correlating that strongly with a suitable woman: I agree. I’m not looking for a terrific writer or photojournalist. To this end, I can look past the cliche-ridden text in your profile and your boring emails. But I do need something to go by though. I have to like your pictures of you for one thing, and if there is something interesting or noteworthy about you, put it in your profile. I’m sure that I decided NOT to write to some women who would have been great for me, but how would I have known that? There’s nothing in their profile that stood out for me, and I just don’t have time to write to every woman who’s profile didn’t stand out for me. Make it easier for me to see that it is worth our time for me to write you, and I will more likely will.
Sayanta 9
Oh, I don’t think there is any rhyme or reason as to why people behave the way they do in online dating. I’ve sent flirty well-crafted e-mails to men who never responded but still looked at my profile every single day. ??? Weirdness…
Karl R 10
Sayanta said: (#9)
“I don’t think there is any rhyme or reason as to why people behave the way they do in online dating.”
Every person, including the clinically insane, acts in a manner that seems rational to them. A schizophrenic may be operating under the flawed premise that God (or an alien) is talking to him, but the actions taken in response to that premise will follow a logical pattern.
But I wouldn’t waste a lot of time trying to figure out the rationale behind someone’s behavior when there’s know way to know what they’re basing those decisions on.
hunter 11
I too have written paragraphs to women on POF, only to get a mere, three or four words in response from women.
BloggyDaddy 12
I also agree that there is rarely any rhyme or reason to it, which is what leads to the frustration.
I’ve met one good woman that I dated for a while whom I met online and although we aren’t still dating, I consider us friends. The rest have been a mix of quite a few emotionally damaged women, women who really aren’t interested in dating, women who just like the attention, and so on and so on. Some sound great and suddenly stop emailing for no reason that I can tell. Some write one sentence responses and I get bored trying to carry on a conversation. Some want to meet right away at a bar or there house even, no way, I just emailed them.
It does get frustrating but the thing I try to remember is this. Before online dating it took me a good 15 years to find the woman I felt compatible enough with to get married. Even though we divorced, we did have a lot in common and loved each other, but it took a long time to find that. I can’t expect to find Ms. Right #2 right away, it might take some time and there is probably a lot of bad eggs to weed through just like it was before online dating. It’s actually easier dealing with the frustration of bad online interactions than bad ones in person.
texasdarlin 13
@ Karl # 10 You are 100% correct. Having worked with Schizophrenics on a professional level I’ve experienced it.
@ Michael 17 #8 & Hunter # 11: Where are you? in all the time I’ve been on POF I’ve gotten only a handful of emails that were more than 1 sentence long. Usually it’s “hi how r u?” Mind you I’m in my 40′s and so are these guys. So thanks for bumping up my faith.
I’ve done the online dating thing for a number of years off and on. I’m back on for now after taking a break after my last relationship ended and have a profile up on a couple of free sites. I’ve done Match. com and eHarmony as well as Chemistry. Out of those I was most successful on Match and in part due to the stipulations I had to follow if I wanted to ensure I got six months free. At the time Match was offering 6 months free if you didn’t find someone in the first 6 months. In order to qualify you had to contact 5 new people each month (& I don’t believe a wink counted) and leave your profile up the whole time. There could have been more but I don’t recall. You’ve got to work at it and to take each day as it comes. Leslie #1 makes an excellent point.
Steve 14
@hunter #11
I think everyone has had that happen to them. I take it as a flag that they aren’t interested, but don’t want to feel rude by ignoring my message entirely.
Honey 15
I am pretty sure I responded to EVERY email I ever received on a dating site, even if it was to say, “I don’t think we’d be a good match, but I appreciate your interest. Good luck on your search!”
Who deletes emails unread? That seems soooo rude to me…
Christie Hartman 16
In many years of being in this business, one thing I’ve noticed about many online daters is that they go in with unrealistic expectations. They expect emails to be exciting. They expect profiles to be perfectly written. They expect lots of responses from the right people (whoever their right people are). They expect to connect with everyone they meet because they looked good on paper. Online dating is a different ballgame. Go in with an open mind and think of it as an adventure. Like Leslie (#1) said, you’re only looking for one. And you have to weed through many to find that one.
Michael17 17
Honey #15: Wow, I am impressed. I personally don’t care about not getting an acknowledgement for the first email, and I don’t respond to every email. I have “deleted unread” a couple of emails on PoF. I put in my profile what I am looking for, and if a woman writes me who clearly ain’t it, well, that’s what she gets for not reading my profile… But I do get back to someone after the date, and I do expect to hear back either way after the date. I won’t disappear on someone I have been communicating with either. At that point there is some sort of relationship. We both invested energy here.
Christine #16: I agree about the unrealistic expectations. As a guy, I would say the biggest unrealistic expectation I am seeing from women is for instant chemistry on the first date. What’s worse is that many of them come into the first date somewhat guarded. So they are putting a tall order on the guy: put them at ease and THEN wow them.
As a guy, I would say that my unrealistic expectations are on the front end: Whom to write. I would say that maybe 1% of the profiles I see are compelling enough to get me to write. It isn’t about the profiles being perfectly written though, instead it is a lot about looks. I’m sure that this is causing me to discount a lot of women who would be great for me.
Sayanta 18
Michael
I think women come to the dates guarded because they don’ t know if the guy is going to be 40 pounds overweight compared to his pic. True stories.
Steve 19
@Sayanta #18
Both men and women experience that phenomenon regularly.
I don’t care unless someone’s appearance is drammatically different from their pictures, but I have been lucky in that regard. Nobody has been drammatic that way.
Steve 20
@Honey #15.
I never felt like anyone has been rude to me when they didn’t respond to my introductory emails. It is no fun telling someone you are not interested……..or having it told to you. I actually prefer it that way.
Not responding is also nice when someone 20 years outside of your age range. 200 miles outside of your geographical and who hasn’t read your profile contacts you
Ruby 21
Sayanta #18
Or 15 years older than photo.
I’d also prefer no response if i contact someone and there’s no interest.
Anyway, if you are 29, pretty, and have a fun profile, my guess is that you are getting lots of volume, and it’s going to be all over the map. Congrats, you get to be picky! Surely there will be a few men who look past your attractive photo and also like what they read. You just have to do a lot of weeding.
And maybe your profile could stand to go deeper as well. If you only talk about wanting to have fun, maybe you need to go into more detail about your interests and what you are looking for in a date or partner.
Jadafisk 22
Really? I try to answer all of my messages for the sake of politeness, even though when I send I don’t care all that much, because I thought it was erring on the side of caution. This impacts the way I word my profile – to cut down on undesirable candidates and welcome others. I know Evan’s approach is to keep the door as open as possible, which would necessitate – for most women with certain stats, anyway – a policy of not responding to a ton of messages, which makes me uncomfortable after I’ve heard many men bellyache about women who don’t respond.
Diana 23
Whether or not to acknowledge someone’s initial contact when I am not interested in them has always felt like a conundrum to me. On one hand, I don’t want to feel like I am being rude by not acknowledging their interest (even the cookie cutter emails), but I also don’t want to feel like I am possibly disappointing or hurting their feelings by letting them know that I do not feel we’re a good match. I almost always respond to their email because that is what I’d prefer for myself. I am not emotionally invested enough at that very early point to feel offended, hurt, think they’re being rude, etc. But a simple acknowledgment lets me know that they at least gave me a thought. I do feel annoyed when I get an email from a guy who hasn’t even read my profile, yet he says how great it is. Huh?! Next.
I don’t send cookie cutter emails. Then again, I don’t send a lot of emails because I see so few that interest me. It’s kind of like what Michael17 said. I could be passing on guys who would be great for me, but I can only make a decision based on what they’ve written, and most guys profiles are abysmal.
Venus 24
@Sayanta # 18 I also respond to all my e-mails. Guys usually come back and thank me for responding. It seems that so many are used to being ignored.
Like Jadafisk #22, I have amended my profile to cut down on the number of undesirable persons contacting me. I was spending too much time crafting rejection letters for people who should not have been writing me in the first place. (Absolutely no match potential) It has made life online a bit easier.
When I contact a guy, I really would prefer to get a reply back. Even if its a no thank you. I think it says a lot about him if he does not respond.
Venus 25
Correction, the first part of my comment should be directed @Honey# 15
MiW 26
I have to say I completely disagree that we should be responding out of politeness to the people we are rejecting. If I spend 1.5 hrs typing responses to people I’m actually interested in (approx 10mins per msg, 8 ppl) there is NO WAY the other 3-4 per day that don’t fit my ‘looking for’ are getting anything.
Also, I don’t expect or want a rejection email from the people I message/wink to.
I think by changing your profile to ‘weed out’ people from contacting you is just shooting yourself in the foot. Online dating is a numbers game.
Michael17 27
Whether to respond or not: I only “delete unread” emails from women who are clearly not what I am looking for, and they would know that from reading my profile. For example, in my profile I say explicitly that I am not compatible with anyone whose status is “separated” or anyone who has kids–I’m just not ready to have kids of my own, never mind be a father figure to someone else’s or deal with “baby daddy” drama. And yet I get a lot of emails from women who are “separated” and who have kids. Deleted Unread. Heed what is said in the profile next time!
What is much much harder for me is when I get a nice, well-written email from someone who seems really sweet and whose profile is well-written too, but who isn’t my type physically. I just can’t look past the physical attraction not being there. But I don’t want to tell someone that they aren’t my type physically. The best I could come up with was to tell them that I already have too many other prospects to juggle. That’s a lie though. Now I just don’t respond. On PoF the status of the email is “Read” (but not Deleted for a couple weeks). Hey I have to deal with a no-response 80% of the time and I live, so can they.
Michael17 28
By “guarded” I mean that the conversation feel something like pulling teeth. (Yes my pictures are all very recent and I look at least as good in person.) her demeanor says “you’re a stranger, I don’t trust you”. Sometimes it thaws out, sometimes it does not. I really feel that there’s something not right about that. I get that women are concerned for their safety and all that, but c’mon–we’re in a public place, I respect her boundaries, she’s going to be fine. I’m putting myself out there to give the date a fair shot, and I feel that it is “part of the contract” for her to be present too.
Sayanta 29
See this is what I’m not getting. The op has mentioned that guys don’t email her back. This has happened to me too. If guys are so eager for young and attractive women to contact them and they don’t get responses to their messages wouldn’t they jump to respond to messages from women like op? Then again, I guess it’s timing. I’ve teetered between famine and feast myself.
david 30
I hate, hate, hate to say / suggest this, but maybe the OP isn’t as attractive as she thinks she is….I mean, she’s 29 — the “perfect” age — she could date someone 25 – 29 AND 30 and up…the fact she isn’t FLOODED with 20-something guys AND 30-something guys is giving me pause…and the no responses from her “equals”….Hmmmm….and the only e-mails she gets are from dopey guys just fishing for any reply….
Steve 31
@#29
There are a number of reasons why a guy might not respond to a young woman contacting him first, beyond simply not being interested in the woman.
The guy could have lost interest in the site or dating for a while and not bothered to take his profile down. Some sites leave abandoned profiles up so that the sites look better populated.
Angie 32
@#30
Hi David,
I wrote the letter. The person I was waiting to write back actually did since I emailed Evan, and we went out. He wasn’t as attractive in person as his profile was, but he was ok – a bit scatterbrained actually.
Some messages frighten me. On top of the types above, I get propositions for weekend getaways and some that are just offensive. It’s ok though. I prefer messaging guys, though, because when I get replies they seem better than what guys email me, even if they don’t all respond. I don’t think I am overrating my looks or personality. I didn’t say I’m a model, but most people would describe me as pretty (I get that I look like Michelle Trachtenberg a lot, so you can figure out if you think she is pretty or not).
Also, I try not to be too suggestive myself. I usually say “Hey, I’m new in town, I see you like ____. Me too. Anyways, I’m looking to meet nice new people”.
I do have ONE guy and we are set up for date #3, so we’ll see.
And I don’t think replying to a message that is too suggestive, a cut-and-paste job, or a 50-year-old who with 3 kids who clearly doesn’t match my basic criteria with a “polite thank you” is necessary.
Thanks Evan!
A-L 33
I will have to say that when I was dating online, I’d ignore the cut-and-paste and/or vulgar e-mails. But if it was obvious that someone customized an e-mail for me, then I would respond, if only to say that I wasn’t interested. My favorite e-mail remains one from a guy 100 miles too far away, who was 20 years too old, and had too many children (he had kids).
Christie Hartman 34
There are some good arguments here for both replying to someone you aren’t interested in AND simply ignoring the email. When I was dating online, my personal belief was that it was better to reply to the men who emailed me, and provide a short but polite rejection. Although, as some have said above, there are good arguments for not bothering with this. However, I refused to reply to anything suggestive, any obvious cut-and-pastes, or anyone who clearly didn’t fit my criteria (and thus didn’t read my profile). These were pretty rare, fortunately.
Michael17 35
Christie #34: It’s a dilemma for me whether or not to reply. I am into a certain physical type. As I said before, I hate to reply to someone’s thoughtful email by telling them that their looks don’t do it for me. And just saying that I don’t think we’re compatible is often an obvious cop-out; they say all the right things in their profile, and back them up with pictures. Also, telling them that I’m already dating too many people is kind of a lie.
So the kindest thing seems to be to just ignore, and let them draw the conclusion that I am a jerk, a fake profile, or seeing too many people already. I never contacted them, they contacted me. What do really owe them at this point anyway?
It’s a different story after we meet up though, AND if they ask for a second date, OR if I tell them I will call. Then if I am not feeling it, I will actually get back to them to let them know.
JB 36
This is just my personal opinion but if a woman is not interested in me after a first email I’d rather just be ignored.I get the message.For some goofy reason it hurts more when a woman takes the time to type a rejection…..lol go figure? It’s basically become such an unwritten rule of online dating that I ignore any woman that winks at me on Match if I’m not interested.They know what it means,ya know why? Because they do it themselves 20 times a day to other guys…lol
The women on Match just “wink” none of them even bother to string a couple of coherent sentences together,at least not to me.
The “unread deleted” thing in POF used to bug me a lot because I know these women would just look at my profile(pic mainly I’m sure) and delete the email not even caring what I said.Thank god POF makes you pay now to see if an email was read and or deleted so only an idiot would pay to see the words “read deleted” over and over again…lol At this point on POF if I don’t hear back I just assume “not interested” and I really don’t care if they read it or not.
As far as the “copy and paste” emails?? I have a couple of general templates I use but I still personalise a little as well.As has been said above ladies,we’re sorry but there’s just no point in sending a unique email to each and every woman who’s profile we might like only to be ingnored.I operate under the assumption that “if a woman likes a man’s profile(pics,content,height,income,education level,and job title) it really doesn’t matter what the opening email says as long as it has some substance and some reference that at least shows we read their profile.
So to answer the question “how does anyone survive the frustration of online dating”? I started in 1997(before photo’s) and after 14 yrs of doing it……I take it with a grain of salt,know it’s just part of everyday life and don’t let it get to me whether I’m getting rejected or doing the rejecting.I have a pretty thick skin at this point.Life goes on and you’ll survive.
kat3281 37
I used to reply to emails and winks I received at first, even if it was a generic “not compatible, wish you luck”, but the vast majority of men responded one of two ways: either continued emailing to convince me to give them a chance forcing me to either ignore or more forcefully reject them or they got downright spiteful at being rejected, ie “well you are fat and ugly anyway so who cares”. So unless someone seems really sweet and like they spent a great deal of time on a personalized email, I just delete. I recently tried again responding after reading this website for so long and so many men with the same complaint about women not responding and had the exact same results.
And for the OP, I think most of us get frustrated with online dating at times. When that happens to me, I just take a couple of months off and return when I am feeling more positive about trying again. A string of jerks or bad dates can leave anyone feeling pessimistic, it does really seem to be back and forth “feast or famine”. But overall, I still meet way more people online than in real life and then I know at least a few basic things about the person (assuming the are not lying about anything, which does happen). So for me, it is still the best way to meet people.
Sayanta 38
The thing is- how are you supposed to respond to personalized e-mails that are just really weird? I’ve had e-mails sent to me where the sender was discussing the meaning of life and asking me to read his poetry. Um- yeah, he obviously put thought into his e-mail, but I had absolutely no clue on how to even begin to respond. Another guy who wrote me likes sewing and baking desserts in his spare time- and all his friends are women. I had no idea how to respond to his very sweet e-mail either. Another dude wrote me an “Ode” in sonnet form. Sometimes, there is just no response.
JB 39
Perfect case example: I just got winked at by a woman with the username “worldtraveler” who’s extensive lengthy profile says she’s a clinical psychologist with a postdoctoral degree in clinical psychopharmacology,she loves to travel and has 25 attractive photo’s in her profile in various vacation spots. She has a PhD and she can’t string a few sentences together when she emails me?? Wtf ??…lol I might add that my profile doesn’t even mention the word “travel” because I hate it. This one time I will email her back and be sorry to tell her “I don’t think we’re a match” but send me a postcard on your next European tour.
Ruby 40
MiW#26
Yes, you should be meeting multiple people, but it isn’t just about volume. What’s the point of having people contact you if you have nothing in common or they’re not your type at all?
KAT281#37
Yes, me too. If i contact someone and don’t hear back within a few days, I can assume they are not interested. Actually, after a couple of days, I’ve probably started to forget all about it, so i don’t need or want an email reminding me that they aren’t interested.
kenley 41
JB,
Are you suggesting that because you don’t mention travel in your profile that a woman should assume that you hate to travel? If so, I don’t think that is a realistic expectation. One can only highlight so many things in the profile and I don’t automatically assume because a man doesn’t specifically mention liking an activity that he must therefore hate it.
Also, if you like everything else about her profile, you would really dismiss her because you don’t like to travel? Perhaps because I am not a hot commodity on-line (I’m a middle aged black lady), I don’t dismiss people so quickly. I am a city girl through and through and I have moved to a less urban part of the country. In this new area, almost every profile I read mentions how much the guy LOVES camping, hunting, fishing and riding motorcycles (mainly Harley’s). I HATE those activities, but I realized that I don’t have to do those activities with the guy…especially when I discovered that for some of those activities, the guy only does them once or twice a year!
Sayanta 42
Jb
I’ve been on both ends of being non-responder and non- respondee. I think I understand why people wink because I’ve started doing it too! Lol if you’re not sure if you’ll get a response then why bother? Also, women are told that actual message sending will make them seem like the pursuer and men will be turned off.
Also I’ve noticed that that if I wink back at someone I always get a message. It’s like I’ve given them the green light that it’s safe to message.
I don’t know you JB but it sounds like you’re either too jaded to deal with dating at this point or that you’re looking for a very specific kind of woman and youre mad that she’s not out there yet. I’ve been there too though.
Angie 43
@kenley #41
Actually, I think the travel thing is big (especially if the woman has 25 travel pics). I love to travel, and consider it a requirement that my significant other at least enjoy travel. They don’t need the same passion about it, but I’ve dated homebody types… it doesn’t work.
I’d go with them on vacations, and they’d pout about the food or what is on the hotel tv. I’d go away by myself and I’d get lengthy emails that I couldn’t begin to respond to.
I think travel style is a huge thing, depended how adventurous and worldly you are. I don’t think it’s necessarily a dealbreaker, if you are both sort of in the middle, but if one person wants to stay home all the time, and one person wants to travel all the time, I think jb’s assumption that they are not a match is fair.
@sayanta #42
Evan just had a post recently about women doing the messaging. The guy I am going out with tomorrow (date #3) I originally messaged. (and, funny enough, he is a world traveler, which is why I messaged him). His profile said he loved to travel and recent adventures included A, B, C, D locations.
I basically said (a) I’m new in town and looking to meet new people (very general – not “I’m looking to meet the love of my life”), (b) it looks like we have a lot in common, (c) How are B and D locations? They are on my list.
He wrote back (a) welcome to LA, (b) He’d love to tell me about B and D, (c) here’s (his) number, let’s grab a drink and he’ll tell me all about them.
And like I said, I wrote the letter. This is how I like things – NON-frustrating. But he’s the only one who did that, which might be why he’s the only one I’m making any progress with.
Sayanta 44
One more thing-
I think OP said that the guy she e-mailed wrote her back a week later? This has happened to me before- I’ll wink or e-mail- the guy will look at my profile, but not respond until several days later. This just screams sketchiness to me. I mean, how long does it take to send a timely response if they’re interested? Am I too picky here?
kenley 45
Angie,
I see your point. I guess because I only go on one to two big vacations a year, love of travel wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. I guess that’s why there are 32 flavors and then some!
Venus 46
I respond to e-mails because it seems rude not to. I generally give a reason and find something complementary to say about their profile. “I really enjoyed your pictures, You have such a beautiful daughter” etc. I have never gotten back a nasty reply. But guys do come back and thank me for responding and somtimes try to pursuade me to reconsider. I don’t do follow up rejection. I simply ignore any further correspondence. If he persists I block. Rejections are final.
Venus 47
Oh and I never respond to winks!! Either online or in real life. I find them cheesy. Send me a message.
JB 48
Thanks Angie,
@Sayanta #42 I’m not jaded because I don’t want to date someone who loves travel and it’s a huge part of their life.I never said it was a deal breaker.I get plenty of dates with non travelers or people that go on 1 vacation a year….lol This woman sounded like she was looking for a travel companion that was close to retiring and or had the financial means to take 3 or 4 trips a year.To be honest I just dropped her a note thanking her for the wink and asked her a couple of nice questions because I wanted to see what she says when I tell her I’m not much of a traveler and how important is it to her. I am curious…..so we’ll see……..
Also you have to give people time to respond,people are busy and sometimes it takes a few days to respond to an email or a wink properly instead of rushing it and saying nothing.
helene 49
I don’t think there’s any mystery to online dating at all…. contrary to the “there’s no rhyme nor reason to it” philosophy, I actually think its completely straightforward.
Guys respond to your photos. That’s it. If they like your photos, they will write to you, even if they live hundreds of miles away, meet none of your stated specifications and you don’t meet theirs. Equally, if the guys who are “totally compatible” with you don’t reply to your e-mails, its because they didn’t feel an attraction when they looked at your photos. It doesn’t matter if you share the same hobbies and life goals and love of carrot flavoured ice cream, if you don’t appeal to them physically, they don’t want to get to know you!
This in no way implies that there is anything wrong with your looks, it simply means that your look does not appeal to that particular guy. OK, he could take a chance and meet you anyway in case you were better looking than in your pictures, but where’s the motivation? Meeting people you’ve contacted online is wearying and time consuming enough without arranging to meet people you don’t even think you’re going to be physically attracted to.
Sayanta 50
Helene
I see what you’re saying but that doesn’t explain what happens to me- some guys won’t write or respond but they’ll be checking my photo every day- I don’t think this is because they find me hideous
Michael17 51
Angie #32: It can be easy for women to overrate their power online. Just because many a young woman gets a host of men writing her, doesn’t mean that every guy, or nearly every guy, really likes her profile.
I’d take out “I’m hoping to meet some nice new people”. It definitely weakens your email. That sentence would make me not respond unless I was really taken with your profile. I’d be wondering how many other guys you wrote today. You instead want the reader to feel that there was something about *him* that made you take the chance to write him. Or at least, not give him a reason to believe otherwise.
Sayanta 52
On the responding to e-mail issue, I’ve sent a polite ‘thanks but we wouldn’t be a good match’ e-mail, only to have the guys curse me out as a reply. Whew! Dodged some bullets there.
Patricia 53
I’m so glad to have found this blog because I have had the same experiences as everyone else and I thought it was just me! I have been on ‘match’ for 3 mos. and have had very little luck with it. I researched how to write a profile, what kinds of pics to post, etc. I am a well educated, articulate, fit, attractive woman/blue-eyed blonde. I seem to be able to turn heads pretty much everywhere I go. I am also 54, which seems to be desirable mainly to the elderly or the very young (20-somethings..and I know what THEY’RE looking for.)
When I do make contact with someone of an appropriate age, no matter who contacted who first, and begin a dialogue, it seldom goes anywhere. They’ll email and talk about meeting, but it never materializes. Or they suddenly vanish after a couple of exchanges. I have tried analyzing my emails to see if I am saying something wrong. I even had a friend take a look! We decided some of them were too wordy, but the bulk of them seem pretty “normal.” What the heck is going on? It’s pretty discouraging. I know it’s a numbers game, etc. and I’m trying to hang in there, but why would someone begin an enthusiastic-sounding dialogue, only to disappear?
Still-Looking 54
Patricia @ 53 -
Some things are outside of your control and you will never know why someone you were corresponding with went “poof”. One guy might disappear b/c he starts to focus on someone else, another might decide to take a break from dating, etc.
I personally don’t like repeated email exchanges. It is time consuming and more important, it is very difficult to really determine someone’s personality.
Try making the transition from email to phone to a first meet much quicker. Also, as has been hammered home so many times on this site, guys are looking for women who are fun – be animated, laugh a bit, and don’t be afraid to flirt :=) Re-read you emails and see if they are a bit dry. Even better, ask a couple of guys to read them and give an honest assessment. Hope this helps.
Teresa 55
Patricia It’s your age I am 55 have been on numerous dating sites over a two year period and the general rule is men in their fifties don’t date women in their fifites
they date gnerally 10 12 years younger so we get the very young or the elderly.
It’s just the way it is. For women over 50 generally speaking online is not he way to go unless you are wiling to lie about your age. I am now focusing on men in their forties that I meet IRL single dances/meetup/thru work/friends. The problem with online is that you will not be showing up in searches due to your age. If you do want to do the online thing try emailing first.
Patricia 56
Re. Still Looking: Thank you for your insight. I have read in more than one place to cease exchanging emails with a guy if he hasn’t mentioned meeting after the fourth one. I’m not sure how to get a guy to ask me out. I have read, repeatedly, that they need to be the one to initiate contact. I do try to be animated and clever in my emails, but I think I will take your advice and show some of my emails to a couple of guy friends.
Re. Teresa: I think you’re absolutely right about our age. I realize I don’t show up in their searches, so I when I do a search I look at profiles and send the occasional email to someone I find attractive. Sometimes I hear back and sometimes I don’t. I have really had to extend my geographic range, because I see the same tired faces I have seen for the past two years. The thought occurred to me that I could lie about my age and get away with it, but I wouldn’t want to begin a potential relationship under a lie.
Since I work from home, I have realized that I do need to get out more and get involved in the community. I work out with a private trainer at his home, so I have decided to go join a gym today and start going in the evenings. I went one evening recently, with a married girlfriend, and saw a few attractive men. I also plan to start doing some volunteer work in the community. I have told friends I am willing to be set up, but no one seems to know any decent available men.
It’s weird because any time I go out in public I have no problems attracting men. I was at a Sunday school function, recently, and mentioned I was cold. Three good-looking men approached me immediately, with their coats, and each insisted I wear his. The problem? They’re all married!!! ARGGHHHH!!!!!!