Jun24

How Do You Combat “Why Bother” Syndrome After a Bunch of Frustrating Dates?

05:17 am on Jun 24th 2009 Evan Marc Katz

Finding the One Online is a comprehensive, life-changing program that covers everything I teach my clients about online dating. If you want to get your love life on track and aren't sure where to start, Finding the One Online is the best investment you can make.

51 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Favorites, Online Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

51 Responses to “How Do You Combat “Why Bother” Syndrome After a Bunch of Frustrating Dates?”

1. Mr_Right Jun 24th 2009 at 05:37 am 1

   This was the same numbers type of logic that I used last year when I went on a large number of dates.

   Logically, if I went on 10 dates, even though I screened them to meet my standards and they had a high interest level and so forth, only 1 of them would be second date-worthy. And on that second date, about half would be third date-worthy. So that’s about right, 1 in 20. And even then, it takes a bit longer than that to determine if someone is relationship-worthy.

   I went on 54 dates last year. When I went on my 55th date, I got a lot of ‘the one’ vibes from our first date. Our second date I got even more ‘the one’ vibes (and a really good kiss at the end of that date). Our third date, when it took us two hours to say goodbye, I started canceling all my online dating subscriptions because I knew she was the one. And after four and a half months now, I just told her I loved her, and she said I love you too.

   I was just lucky it took me 55 dates and 4500 browsed online profiles rather than 100 dates and 9000 browsed profiles.

   It’s all about perspective and keeping your individual glass half-full. As long as you’re working at it and doing all that you can, good things will come your way. How do you think people because successful? They had to work at it!

2. Cilla Jun 24th 2009 at 06:53 am 2

   This reminds me of the “How Do You Get Past the Cynicism…” post of June 2nd. While I’m aware dating is a often a numbers game and that going on more dates can increase your chances of finding a good match, sometimes I just need to take myself out of the game entirely for a month or two. It’s easy to get caught up in constantly checking email, maintaining phone relationships, and updating your profile. Throw in a few first dates, and all the prep that goes into them, and you feel like you have a second job. If you’re not having great first dates, it feels like a job with really low pay. We take vacations from work; if dating has become another form of work, it might make sense to take a break from that too.

   My solution is to take down my profile, email the people I’m corresponding with that my life has become a little busy and I’ll get back to them soon (at the risk that they may find someone else in the meantime), and focus on my life outside of dating. In the past when I did this, I found I came back to dating refreshed and more confident about what I was looking for in a date/relationship. I was also more tolerant of first dates who were not a good match for me but might be a good match for a friend or might be someone I could have a platonic relationship with.

   Before I even put my profile back up, I completely revamped it (most people have read a few new books, taken a trip, or seen a new film over the course of a month), added new photos, and formulated a game plan for my search criteria, how much time I was willing to devote to looking, etc. The rewards to twofold: the dating pool had changed in the time I was gone, and a bunch of new guys had posted profiles; and because my profile was “new,” it moved to the top of the search list garnering me a lot more hits. It didn’t take long to get an email from someone who was a fabulous match for me, and we’ve been dating exclusively for the last couple of months.

   Sorry, Evan, I know this isn’t a good solution for your business in the short term, but it might be a good long-term strategy for people who have been looking for a while and are becoming so frustrated they are now difficult clients. You were right, though, a good person for me was just around the corner. Instead of going on a lot more dates to find him, I needed to jump off the ride for a while and be willing to come back with the attitude that he was out there somewhere–same vision, same end, but a different means to that end.

3. Jennifer Jun 24th 2009 at 06:56 am 3

   Evan, I love everything about the post. It’s easy to lose perspective and the numbers really are helpful. Thank you!

   I had a date saturday night and while i don’t want a second date with this person, I had a good time and walked away feeling good and excited about upcoming dates as opposed to disappointed that that date didn’t ‘work out’. That’s growth people

4. BeenThruTheWars Jun 24th 2009 at 07:02 am 4

   I kept a meticulous dating journal after my divorce in 1995. On average, it took me 25 first dates between “keepers.” It took me four monogamous relationships with men I deemed worthy of stopping dating for (ranging from 3 months to 7 years) before I found my wonderful new husband (3.5 years now), so you do the math. That’s approximately 100 first dates before finding Mr. Right-For-Me. They originated from newspaper personals, online dating, dating services, people I met through organizations I belonged to, and men I met “in the wild.” Some of the dates were awful, some were great, most were meh. Approximately one-quarter of all my first dates resulted in a second date. But as one boss from an advertising job many years ago once taught me, “It’s a process, not an event.” The “it” can be whatever you want it to be, in this case romance. “You’ve gotta be in it to win it” is the corollary. And Evan (as well as my mom) are correct in their advice that “it’s a numbers game.” Get yourself out there in as many places as you can and date up a storm. It’s the only way.

5. BeenThruTheWars Jun 24th 2009 at 07:04 am 5

   @ Mr_Right, what a sweet and inspiring story! Best of luck to you and your lady.

6. Michael Jun 24th 2009 at 07:23 am 6

   My advice would to be concentrate on having a good time (including sexual intercourse).

7. Marc Jun 24th 2009 at 08:19 am 7

   One way to combat the “why bother?” syndrome is not to bring the “why bother?” attitude with you on dates. I’ve been the fifth guy some woman has gone out with in one week, and it’s no fun sitting there trying to make up for the perceived sins of the other four. As difficult as it is, she needs to leave her baggage at home and bring her happy face with her to each date. She may not find the one immediately, but with a better attitude, she’ll at least have more fun trying.

8. Ruby Jun 24th 2009 at 08:39 am 8

   How I can relate, and I am in my late 40’s.! I wish I was out there dating at 33! Piece o’ cake, but I know, it’s all relative. Haven’t been in a long-term relationship in nearly 10 years, but have had several short ones. Oh, the stories I could tell! Taking occasional breaks is a must in order to re-charge and not get too jaded.

   After not meeting anyone special for over a year, I’ve recently started dating someone I’m very excited about, and it appears to be mutual. He recently started dating again after not having dated for over 3 years. It’s still early, but it has given me so much hope. Of course, if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just go back o being cynical. It’s hard to keep putting yourself out there, but as they say, it ain’t over ’til it’s over.

9. Honey Jun 24th 2009 at 08:44 am 9

   I agree with Cilla’s approach of taking a break – sometimes it does get your head back on straight. I had been taking a break from Match for a month or two when I happened to e-mail the soon-to-be BF on MySpace. I wasn’t invested AT ALL…until about 5 minutes into our first date!

   Prior to meeting him, I’d resolved not to even try to date anyone until I graduated, since at that time I was planning on leaving the state once I was done and I didn’t feel like the 2 years I had left was going to be enough to ask someone to give up their career and move with me. Now I’m still in AZ and I’m the one who (at least for now) took a career detour so I could be with my one-and-only. So like Evan, I met my guy during my darkest time. It seems to be a super common story, which is good news for those who are frustrated now!
   .-= Honey´s last blog ..Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!? =-.

10. Selena Jun 24th 2009 at 08:48 am 10

    Thanks Evan for writing such a positive post. Refreshing after some of the negative dialogue inducing ones of late. Made me feel optomistic and I’m not even actively dating. Smile.

11. Carol Jun 24th 2009 at 10:33 am 11

    Evan, this is one of the best posts I have seen about this subject. We’ve all been there or are there. Right or wrong the numbers thing makes sense. It took me 50 guys to find my husband, so if I look at the bright side, I only have 9 to go! Even for a can do upbeat personality like me, this article was right on as I wonder, “Where is he and why haven’t I met him yet?” It’s the motivation to never give up that makes it work, thanks for your timely reminder!

12. Steve Jun 24th 2009 at 11:08 am 12

    I started reading this blog & Marc’s before I started off with match.com. Doing those things helped reduce frustration in advance. I learned what the reality in this area is, which helps me to not take it personally.

    When I go to the motor vehicles association I know I am going to get a hard time, but everybody else does to. It isn’t being aimed at *me*.

    Same way with the online dating thing.

13. Steve Jun 24th 2009 at 11:09 am 13

    @7 – amen.

14. Steve Jun 24th 2009 at 11:11 am 14

    @BeenThruTheWars #4

    What an incredibly useful post. Though, it does sound overwhelming __25__ dates!! Gadzooks. That is a whole lot of chef’s salads!

15. girl-with-glasses Jun 24th 2009 at 11:36 am 15

    On a date, men are usually just looking for a good time. A woman could be looking for a perspective mate or long term partner with marriage potential. The dynamics can be a bit off. At 33, she should probably be dating with long term intentions in mind, but train herself to be much more mellow about the process, otherwise she’ll just mentally and emotionally drain herself, and not give the whole dating process a fair shake. With today’s daying scene, hundreds, if not thousands, of dates seem to be a good trial number. It’s really a second / part time job. Just my 2 cents of course =)

16. angela Jun 24th 2009 at 12:14 pm 16

    I guess I have not got there yet. I think it depends on your past relationship history and perspective. And maybe age (51) I am enjoying life with family and friends. Yes I want a significant other and I am looking but I am not down about it. Of course I am not 33 years old not trying to have kids. I was married for 8 years. Pretty good years at that! My son is in high school and I am excited about what life will bring in the future. I try to have fun on all my dates and for me the secret has been to treat the guy as a friend. I do not have these high expectations and I enjoy myself even if the person is not a match. I say enjoy the journey, not just the destination!!

17. Mikko Kemppe Jun 24th 2009 at 12:53 pm 17

    Great article. Really enjoyed it!

18. JB Jun 24th 2009 at 02:46 pm 18

    Ruby#8 is a lot closer to what I’m feeling. It’s a different game when your 48 and of course depending on what you look like,where you live,what your options are,if your male or female etc… everyone is going to have a different opinion

    Women can go on “15 bad dates” and it won’t cost them a penny except time. For men, a bad date not only costs time but cash. (Except for the woman I met that ordered 1 Diet Coke…lol Thank god….that was the longest 20 minutes of my life…lol but inexpensive)

    I haven’t met anyone I’ve actually cared about and was really attracted to in 4 years and that was my last relationship. That hasn’t stopped me from dating it’s basically just made me get closer to having “Why bother syndrome”. Going on dates with women I’m ambivalent about at best is wearing me down.
    It’s either that or not dating at all and being celibate. My options are what they are. They closed down the only place in my area where 35-50 yr. olds felt comfortable going to so that ended meeting women the “old fashioned” way……err…walking up and saying “hello”. In my area they have several singles fucntions that are filled with people 60 and up…Woo Hoo !!! I could yell “BINGO” and they’d all get excited !! …LOL That leaves the wonderful old internet, where after 12 years and many profiles,dates,successes(what ever you’d deem a success)failures and utterly ridiculous scenarios. I could write 3 books if I could remember ALL the details.

    I know I don’t sound positive in this post, only because that’s the topic(the Syndrome) but believe me I NEVER let negativity or frustration creep in when I’m dealing with women. I know better….lol no really….believe me….I’m an incredible actor.

19. casualencounters.com/blog Jun 24th 2009 at 03:01 pm 19

    Love is a rare bird all right, but certainly one worth pursuing; and as you say, it can be darkest before the dawn (or alternatively, right before it goes completely pitch black.)

    I’m not sure I have a point here. Keep reaching for your dreams, perhaps? Illegitimi non carborundum?
    .-= casualencounters.com/blog´s last blog ..Ashley Madison Review =-.

20. Diana Jun 24th 2009 at 05:06 pm 20

    She “lives and dies by each new guy?” I know a lot of women who put themselves through this torture. You are an emotionally healthier individual and thus, a healthier and more attractive dating partner when you stop placing excessive value and pressure on the situation, the guy, and even yourself through the expectations and high standards that you have created in your mind.

    IMHO, she needs to slow down, regroup and truly evaluate and understand herself first before heading any further, or to at least put the brakes on the runaway train. Have fun, try to keep it light and easy, don’t let your dating ups and downs define who you are. And believe me, when the right man comes along, they will both know it, without all of the emotional toil.

    Until then, life really is about the journey and not the destination, as Angela mentioned. Sometimes we are so focused on our perceived destination, we miss the entire trip altogether. Life has a way of changing our course, too.

    As for the stats, yes, it could all work out that way, and yet Mr. Right could also be date #1. Life is somewhat of a crap shoot. Just remember to breathe, and keep hope eternal.

21. Curious Jun 24th 2009 at 06:14 pm 21

    A year ago I was trying internet dating. I went out with a ton of guys, and a lot were communicating with me, so the odds were good, right? Well, I got very burned out on it. I just don’t have that much time, and I didn’t like going out all that much. All the guys wanted to meet in a bar and have a drink which isn’t so good for your health or your figure, if you know what I mean.

    OK, so right before I let my subscription lapse I met one particular guy for a drink, but I was late because I didn’t know how to get where we were meeting, I was coming from one of the most awful days at work, and he hadn’t really wanted to communicate with me too much beforehand. He was busy, too, and friends had told him just to meet and not spend much time emailing, speaking by phone, etc. So I was thinking it was just going to be some checking me out thing, which was making me mad and not too into it. But it would have been better had I not had those two other awful things. When I met him I was definitely thinking “Why bother” and I’m sure it was written very clearly on my face.

    Any rate, he was really great. I wanted to see him again, not because I was so sure we were a match, but because I just really liked him. And I am very interested in his work. And he spent a lot of money on champagne and I wanted to reciprocate. He said he would contact me about going out to dinner. But he didn’t get back to me about it, and I started seeing someone else who wanted to be exclusive right away, and my subscription lapsed, and I forgot about him.

    Now I am thinking about him again. Exclusive guy wasn’t a good experience. I sent nice champagne guy an invite to a social networking site we both are on and he responded affirmatively within about 2 minutes and joined my network.

    I’m not really in dating mode. I just liked him as a person and felt bad about not being the my best on our one-and-only meeting. I mean, it could be a match, but it might not be, and I would like to know him either way, and I feel bad about my “why bother” attitude that evening.

22. Michael Jun 24th 2009 at 07:16 pm 22

    I just can’t believe how many people treat dating as like some sort of medieval gauntlet you have to survive in order to win a prize at the end. That just seems like a sad way to live life. I think I’ve dated as many people in my life as anyone here, and I’ve got to say that by and large I’ve enjoyed each date. My thought going in has always been that I’m going to be doing something fun with an attractive, hopefully interesting woman, and why hassle with getting ahead of myself? Maybe it’s wrong to think everyone should be able to look at it this way, but even through some she-doesn’t-look-like-her-photo-or-act-like-her-profile online dates there was a certain adventure I relished.

    Or maybe Evan’s client has one flaw that may even cause some of these “bad dates”: she doesn’t look forward to meeting new people and having new experiences. Any adventurer worth his or her salt has horror stories, but it doesn’t put them off adventuring. Come to think of it, I’ve never really “caught fire” with women who weren’t somewhat adventurous, so yes, that might be a limiting factor that the men she meets might sense, compounding her problem.

    I think the answer he gave the client is about the best “smiley face” way to go about things – you can’t really make someone more adventurous.

23. Curious Jun 25th 2009 at 04:26 am 23

    Michael@22: Going back to the pursuer/pursued conversation–maybe you have never been on the receiving end of being “checked out” relentlessly. It is wearing and tedious and not fun. And it has a cumulative effect. So maybe you go into dates thinking “what an adventure” and who cares if she isn’t your dream girl or if you don’t get laid, but most men do not have that attitude about it, in my experience. Can’t speak to the other side of it–I’m sure women do something similar, but I don’t date women so can’t say. That said, most guys are polite, so it’s not like it’s some kind of awful experience that you have to recover from. It’s just more that it seems stupid after awhile to keep meeting strangers for pointless interactions on the hopes that something deeper will develop. I like having adventures with people I already know.

24. Steve Jun 25th 2009 at 04:52 am 24

    I think it helps to share your experiences with others, but I think it also helps that after you do that for the cathartic value to stay away from people with negative attitudes about dating/relationships.

    Finding time to do stuff that is guaranteed fun with your friends or yourself also helps you forget about the bad dates quicker.

25. Diana Jun 25th 2009 at 06:24 am 25

    To Michael #22: I think the client does look forward to meeting new people and having new adventures, but she is, after all, a woman, and if she’s living and dieing with each new guy, she’s putting a huge emotional investment into the process right out of the gate. This is something that needs fine tuning. Kind of like how to care, but not too much until there really is “something” to care about. When things don’t go so well, it’s not only “why bother,” it’s draining, tiring, daunting, a chore, not as much fun as she had hoped for, and so on.

26. Diana Jun 25th 2009 at 06:37 am 26

    To JB #18: I couldn’t help but giggle about your bingo comment, as my mom is a bingo regular. And dating is typically more expensive for the men; good point.

27. LK Jun 25th 2009 at 06:38 am 27

    “It’s just more that it seems stupid after awhile to keep meeting strangers for pointless interactions on the hopes that something deeper will develop. I like having adventures with people I already know.”

    Exactly.

28. JM Jun 25th 2009 at 06:44 am 28

    My sister, who is happily married, once told me years ago: “Lower your expectations, but don’t lower your standards”. I think that’s a great motto to live by as we all try to navigate through the dating waters.

    Case in point: I had a blind date last night. He took me to a club where he is a member and they offer complimentary coffee. [He wasn't drinking alcohol and I wasn't either - although I'll be having a few drinks tonight!] The club had a cool view of the city.

    I appreciated the originality of taking me to the club; I didn’t appreciate the fact that we were there for 2.5 hours and he never mentioned anything about ordering some appetizers or something to snack on. I’m not looking for a free meal, but we were there from 5pm to after 7pm. Needless to say, there won’t be a second date, and I admit I walked home feeling pretty disgusted. But as we all know, it is a numbers game, so I’ll just write this one off and look forward to hopefully meeting someone down the line that has a little more class and sophistication. I’m just hoping that I don’t fall prey to the “Why Bother” syndrome if this type of bad behavior continues…

29. Steve Jun 25th 2009 at 07:58 am 29

    @27

    If you don’t play, you can’t win.

    Bottom line.

30. Steve Jun 25th 2009 at 08:02 am 30

    @JM #28

    You make a good point.

    Last year, when I started dating again in a serious way I asked a woman out FOR COFFEE. We enjoyed talking so much 3 hours passed – yet I could not get a second date with her.

    Translation – it didn’t occur to me that since I wasn’t hungry, she was and miffed that I didn’t offer to order some food.

    Mystery solved.

31. Paul Jun 25th 2009 at 08:30 am 31

    I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned just from reading this blog all the time. Thank you Evan! Here here!
    I’ve studied online dating extensively, like you do when you want to succeed at something, and I have a great time now with it. Frustrations? of course. Lots of first dates, yes, second dates, sometimes. But after I learned it’s just a process, I can sit back, enjoy it, do what’s in the best interest for the girls and not me, and really enjoy myself with integrity! I’m having a blast and communicating with lots of women all the time, and I’m 50! She’s out there and damn it, I’ll find her!

32. Lance Jun 25th 2009 at 08:40 am 32

    Three mediocre dates in one week is NOTHING. Like Evan said, it’s merely a warmup Three bad dates in one day, or 10 bad dates in a week, and maybe you’ve got something. But not really.

    Something I heard a long time ago that help me a lot. Consider every rejection, and every bad date, a brick in your palace. Eventually, the palace gets built.

    Also, stop looking for marriage and kids on the first date. That’s a recipe for failure. Look at them as social interactions, networking opportunities, chances to have fun and exchange value. Then they will never be failures.
    .-= Lance´s last blog ..Get Fit and Improve Your Dating Prospects =-.

33. Selena Jun 25th 2009 at 09:12 am 33

    @ JM # 28

    If you were hungry why didn’t you just ask him, “Do they serve appetizers here?” I would have.

    I wouldn’t automatically assume he was cheap or unsophisticated. In any case, why would it be his responsiblity to feed you on a coffee date? You could have ordered something or cut the date short to go home and eat.

34. Michael Jun 25th 2009 at 09:46 am 34

    I think the client does look forward to meeting new people and having new adventures, but she is, after all, a woman, and if she’s living and dieing with each new guy, she’s putting a huge emotional investment into the process right out of the gate.
    I guess putting out a huge emotional investment is a bad idea.

    Would casual sex be much less emotionally exhasuting?

35. JM Jun 25th 2009 at 10:36 am 35

    @ Steve 30

    Happy to help you solve your mystery; I think I speak for many women out there

    @ Selena 33

    What’s awkward about the “do they serve appetizers here” question is that he asked me out on a date. So I’m always uncomfortable bringing up the subject of food; especially since it was a “coffee date”. But this guy (and I) are both in our late 40s. I would hope after all those years of dating, a guy might think about the other person’s needs (i.e. I wonder is she’s hungry since it’s after 7pm and we met at 5pm). And when you’re sitting on a date for over 2 hours, I think it’s just common courtesy to ask. And I guess what made it even worse, was that he didn’t even have to pay for the coffee. Sorry, but that screams cheap to me, and if you are supposed to put your best foot forward on a first date, I don’t think this guy is worthy of a second. I’d be curious to hear how other women handle this scenario. I’m always open to hearing everyone’s point of view! And let me reiterate, I’m not dating with the hopes of getting a free meal, just hoping to meet a good guy!

36. Cilla Jun 25th 2009 at 11:42 am 36

    @ JM

    I’ve learned to inquire ahead of time, especially since I keep a kind of unconventional schedule about eating (would be perfectly happy living in Barcelona, if that’s any clue).

    I just ask before the date, “Are you thinking we might like to eat while we’re out, or should I grab something before hand?” Or if I get hungry during the date, “You know, I am a little peckish after all–I think I’ll look at a menu.” I’m old enough to decide if I want to order something to eat, and I always offer to pay so my date doesn’t feel like I’m taking advantage of him. If I’m too cowed to even mention that my blood sugar is declining exponentially, we’re not going to be a good match anyhow.

    I do think it’s courteous, if the meeting goes on longer than expected (e.g., a 2-hour+ coffee date), to ask if your date wants something to eat. Look at it as an opportunity: it gives your date a chance to end the meeting or, if they’re really having a good time, to extend the date by ordering some food. If she’s not hungry, but still wants to hang out, she’ll say something like, “Oh, no thanks, I’m not hungry, but I would like a second cup of coffee” or “I’m good, but I could use a glass of water.” I don’t think it’s the guy’s responsibility, just a courtesy.

37. Jennifer Jun 25th 2009 at 12:11 pm 37

    @JM #35, I understand your predicament but I probably would’ve taken something like Cilla’s approach only even more direct: I’m a bit hungry; i think i might like an appetizer. If I did that I would not expect him to pay for it since it was a ‘coffee’ date, but when I’m hungry I’m definitely not putting my best foot forward and wouldn’t want to do that on a date.

    I see where you are coming from about him being more considerate, and I agree it would’ve been nice if he’d asked if you were hungry, but at the end of the day you have to make sure your needs are met, first and foremost. I like food too much to keep quiet about it

38. Diana Jun 25th 2009 at 12:41 pm 38

    To Michael #34: It depends on the woman.

39. JM Jun 25th 2009 at 01:17 pm 39

    Thanks to everyone who showed me different perspectives regarding the “food issue”. Your comments were all very valid!

    I forgot to mention (and I hate to ‘go there’) but I live in NYC, and unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) the dating scene is very competitive. At the risk of sounding high maintenance (which I hope I’m not), the “food-less coffee date” is definitely the exception and not the norm. I still have to go with my gut feeling and at the ‘end of the day’, I just don’t think this would be the type of guy I would want to pursue a relationship with. But I am going to consider all your comments, and should I encounter this scenario again, I will definitely handle it differently and perhaps “vocalize” my hunger

40. Michael Jun 25th 2009 at 02:13 pm 40

    To Curious (#23) and Diana (#25), I don’t know if I accept that we can divorce someone’s unwillingness to experience the journey in a date from her overall adventurousness.

    There are a LOT of people out there who have difficulty dealing with people outside their immediate circle of family and friends. I see it every day, every time I go to a store, stand in a line or walk down the street. When they’re in the dating realm, those people will quickly lose patience as soon as they’ve determined their date isn’t “the one.” (I’ve experienced that too – believe it or not, I wasn’t “the one” for everyone I’ve dated. ) Then that result rules the date.

    Yes, some guys get pushy or stupid. If your companion’s behavior makes you uncomfortable, that’s when you declare “date over” and walk away. The idea of “sticking it out” on a date that has clearly gone south in order to “be nice” is a bad idea. It makes you miserable and supports the guy’s behavior.

    Given Evan’s good statement to her that very few men will measure up, he might want to suggest to this woman is to not accept dinner, lunch or coffee dates – because her “rejection rate” is going to be higher than most, she should make sure the date situation itself is something she’ll enjoy even after she has mentally dismissed the guy as not “the one.”
    .-= Michael´s last blog ..Better Workouts With Less Equipment =-.

41. JB Jun 25th 2009 at 02:52 pm 41

    JM,I’m curious ……You can’t mean to tell me…lol (or maybe you can) that the ONLY reason you didn’t want to see this guy again was that he didn’t offer the appetizer ?? Obviously you weren’t attracted to him anyway? As well as not liking his personality?? I’m sure if he was a smokin’ hot 9 or 10 you would be able to get past the food thing…LOL

    And of course we’re only hearing YOUR side of the story what makes you think he had any desire to see you again? He may be cheap,just not that into you or both.

42. JM Jun 25th 2009 at 03:18 pm 42

    @ JB – 41

    Well JB, believe it or not, I’ve been out with guys who are “smoking hot 9s” but their personalities don’t always measure up, and so their good looks start to fade. Then there are the guys who are 7s, and get cuter due to their great personalities. My guess is that he was enjoying my company and that perhaps in his mind, there might have been a second date. I guess we’ll never know!

    I’ve been on first dates where guys have paid $100+ on dinner and to be honest with you, that makes me uncomfortable, because I think that’s a pretty big financial commitment for a guy to make on a blind date. But, I think there is a happy medium. And unfortunately, I don’t think my date from last night knows about this blog, so you may never hear his side of the story…

43. Selena Jun 25th 2009 at 04:43 pm 43

    - Lance #32:

    “Consider every rejection, and every bad date, a brick in your palace. Eventually, the palace gets built.”

    I like that alot Lance. Quite positive.

44. Steve Jun 25th 2009 at 06:39 pm 44

    @Selena #33 – you’re a doll

    @JM #35
    Somebody brought up the idea of “false positives” — dating blunders that get mistaken for red flags.

    I got so lost in the great conversation that it never occurred to me that I should have offered something more.

    That coffee date/first date was last year and has long been water under the bridge, but my curiosity about what exactly happened on her end was never satisfied. I’m honestly grateful to finally have had a revelation about the possible cause.

    Given some of the ridiculous things I have read women raise “red flags” over in the comment section on this blog Im taking this as a lesson learned instead of whining about it being a fast judgment.

    Conceit aside, I have a sense for what women have to settle for these days so I know I am a great guy. If she is still throwing opportunities away because somebody has an absent minded she is still missing out.

45. JM Jun 25th 2009 at 09:00 pm 45

    @ Steve – 44

    I think you sound like you are a very positive guy and you are also very open to interpretation and input from other people. That is so healthy. I think we are all struggling (both men and women) when it comes to dating. Truth be told, I think it was much less complicated before online dating came into the picture, and also when gender roles were more clearly defined.

    I think in the end, the good people find the other good people. In the meantime, I’ll continue to keep an open mind and an open heart, but I won’t lower my standards out of desperation! I’ll also remain true to who I am and what works for me.

46. Steve Jun 26th 2009 at 03:11 am 46

    @JM #45

    Thanks for the nice compliments . I don’t think online dating is any worse. It is just more frequent.

    I don’t how I feel about about gender roles. I’m not sure it matters for me personally. I act how I want. I pull chairs out, I open doors, I drive and I pay for the first 4 or 5 dates. If a woman is cool, but has a problem with that I just tell her she can get the next one. Unless a woman’s demeanor is way off I can handle being asked out and I’ve actually felt quite flattered about it.

    The big problems I have had dating, is that at least as a guy, I feel “guilty until proven innocent”. So many times I have gotten a sense of a woman that tells me that we are both cool people who would get along well, but that isn’t enough. I have to overcome suspicions of all kinds, red flags, game playing etc. Sometimes I feel like yelling “You don’t know who I am. My name is ‘Steve’ not ‘Mr. All Men You Met Before’”. It is a major turn-off to me

    It is so bad, sometimes it is just more fun to stay at home and watch Lost . Thankfully, only sometimes.

47. Selena Jun 26th 2009 at 04:03 am 47

    Steve re: #44,

    I don’t if it’s so much I am a doll, as I am practical. If I’m hungry to the point of being uncomfortable I am not having a good time – wherever I am or with whom. I’d have to do something about that. Also, *I* wouldn’t be having coffee after 5 anyway; I’d be having a glass of wine or beer – lol. If the man I was with didn’t offer to have dinner with me, I’d just assume he already had dinner plans. This was just meant to be a kind of “go-see” date after all, why should there be any pressure?

    Tell you this though, if the date extends beyond an hour or so, the guy who offers food scores points with me. It’s kind of a way of saying, “I’m enjoying your company and I’d like this to continue.” I understand dating, particularly ‘blind dating’ internet style, can get expensive for men. I’d be more comfortable in that situation keeping the date casual, inexpensive, and with a time frame that could be adjusted – short, or possibly extended if we really hit it off.

48. mic Jun 26th 2009 at 07:31 am 48

    If people present themselves accurately and positively before dates and judge accordingly, “Why Bother” Syndrome is less likely to occur.

    If someone gets into that state, then – as suspected by some of you and supported by research – judgments of physical attractiveness and other qualities are harsher and therefore the problem perpetuates itself.

    The idea of taking a break sounds reasonable. Time to get over old hurts, maybe analyze and improve presentation, maybe question one’s own preferences, and so on. A subset of people likely is drawn to online dating due to the idea of finding someone special with fewer dates.

49. happygirl Jun 28th 2009 at 07:41 am 49

    Cilla post 2…I can totally identify with you. I took myself of all the dating websites and decided to take a complete break. Dating is exhausting and not always an easy thing to do.Let’s be honest here.
    Believe me I do have a positive outlook and don’t easily give up on anything and I am always willing to look at dating in a different way and learn. Dating does however wear you out after a while.
    I have not dated for 4 months now, during that time I did go out but focused more on making new friends. I build a great new circle of friends and we have dinners together and try to organize fun events to do. I also go out on my own. Eventually when I feel ” energized and recharged” I will go back on a dating site and try again……

50. amy Oct 18th 2009 at 12:31 pm 50

    Sure. A good sense of the numbers is always a help. When I start feeling like there must just be something wrong with me that I can’t find a guy I’d want to go to the movies with, I call a friend and we reassess:
    -I’m looking for a Jewish guy, and I live in the rural midwest.  Right away we’ve cut the pool down to about 30 in a 150-mile radius.  
    - I’m looking for a sane guy who’s extremely bright, has a very fine ear for fiction and poetry, thinks it’s important to care of himself, and won’t ask me for a loan. (Now we’re down to six in the entire country.)
    - He should be nice, and funny, and able to tolerate me.  He should also be a grownup and have some sense of the compromise, self-denial, and responsibility that come with being a grownup. I don’t need manifestos at this point.
    - He should be interested in a 40something single mother, and should understand that spontaneous fun dates aren’t likely here unless they’re midday, when the kid’s in school.
    - He should not want to get married or live with me.  I’m looking for a companion, not a husband.
    - He shouldn’t be married.  
    - He should also have his own work, something that interests and absorbs him, and he should do it well.
    The pool, it’s not large. I understand this.  But, you know.  You have to stay open, that’s all.  I believe he’s out there. Why not?
     

51. Shay Mar 4th 2010 at 04:08 am 51

    Since January 2010, I have been to 4 singles events and 2 blind dates. I have 5 guys who exchanged contact with me. Been out on 2 one on one dates. 

    The guys I’ve met are pretty lukewarm. Things seemed to be moving on very slowly.

    But, oh yes. This is a good post for me to read and re-read again when things are not going well to give myself a pick-me-up.

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