Comments on: How Do You Combat “Why Bother” Syndrome After a Bunch of Frustrating Dates?

By: Jadeite

Jadeite — Tue, 16 Apr 2013 14:31:42 +0000

David T – #84
I think your V-Day gift was appropriate, nearly to perfect for the occasion.
Pippa – #83
I agree that online dating can leave you defensive. I’ve never had a guy actually say he found me unattractive. But I always know they’re not that interested if they try to sleep with me right away. The most important thing is, over the past two years, I’ve learned a lot about me and grown from my dating mistakes – which at the beginning was mostly about meeting people before I’d qualified them. And I recently took a 3 month hiatus from dating, hiding all my profiles. I put one back up just a few days ago and have started talking to a few interesting guys, and also more than a few who are trying to recycle themselves (which is a no go). The important thing to learn about internet dating is all about TIME. Give some time, but not too much, to communicate between the first contact and actual meeting, and not become emotionally invested during that time. Use it to learn more about the person and get a feel. If there’s any red flags that aren’t overcome (it does happen sometimes) during conversation only time, I take a pass and it has considerably lessened the first date sex requests. Quality not quantity is key.
On the other side of “let’s have sex right away”, are two other recent online dating anomalies: 1) the “crazy about you and let’s be exclusive” somewhere between the first conversation and end of the first date. This was happening a lot before the recent hiatus and I just can’t figure it out. Makes no logical sense to me, and this time around I’m gonna weed these guys out too. This behavior makes me run for the hills (and I suspect would also make most men run for the hills when women do it).
And the #2, guys who say “you’re perfect on paper, can’t wait to meet” but then they cancel every date they set. Have had this happen a few times over the last few years but moreso in the last round of dating. Had a guy do that a while back – canceled two first dates because of his “busy schedule”. I finally said, Dude, I hear what you’re saying, but I hear your actions louder. You’re just too busy to date me and I can already tell you I would be unhappy if I actually met and started dating you and you did this, so I’m gonna pass. He wasn’t happy about that decision and got snippy. But at 44, I know myself, and although I am willing to give people time, I don’t have time to waste on what I consider bad behavior. We all have a schedule, but men are never that busy if they are really dying to meet you. The key is to KNOW yourself and give a guy enough time to SHOW himself. And to expect that, if a man is really attracted to you, he will want to sleep with you on the first date — but the ones who are REALLY interested will hold off on suggesting it or making lewd comments, etc. and will ask to see you again.
Time is really the key in all things.

By: David T

David T — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 22:47:03 +0000

@Sparkling82
I am taking a break . . because I don’t like to go onto a first date within a short time frame of Valentine’s Day or Christmas/New Year’s. . . I don’t want be in the limbo portion of a relationship when a major “sweethearts” holiday is just around the corner.
The limbo time of a new relationship does make V-day day tricky to navigate, but it is doable with a little bit of honesty, humor and creativity.
I was in this situation in 2012, so I came up with a little note on a valentines themed background and gave her a very modest flower gift (don’t recall exactly, probably 3-6 roses). I had been on only 2-3 dates with this woman, and while we both were clearly interested in the other, it was soon and she was having a rocky time with but still seeing a man that she had met a couple of months earlier and I was still using my profile.

What a dilemma I have, knowing you only a bit yet …

It is too soon to write you a romantic poem and talk about my unDYING love, endless devotion, etc. etc. etc. etc. You would run for the hills, and understandably so.

BUT , you attract me more than anyone else I have dated during my adventures on OKC since I went live and I want you to know that.
So, this V-day I am telling my sore throated, awfully smart, fun and fun to kiss, attractive friend that she is on my mind.
I do hope you feel well soon and we get to spend some time together.

(Now next year, you can expect somethin’ a bit more special. )

A week or so later she went back to the other man (YAY! I WAS OFF THE HOOK FOR NEXT V-DAY!! ), but she made it clear that she really enjoyed our short time together and my dating style made her feel wanted. The point is, you can interact healthily and comfortably and even have FUN with V-day in a new relationship if you are up front about where you are coming from.

By: Pippa

Pippa — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 18:16:31 +0000

Evan, I am puzzled at the way you promote online dating. It’s one way to meet men but only one. What about meeting men in real life? The problems with online dating are clear. Men feel they can be abrupt and rude, dismissive and impolite because you are anonymous and they never have to see you again. In real life the men you meet feel more genuine attraction and often are aware that you have friends in common or that you will pass each other again and this means they take more care to be polite.
I tried the online dating scene and have now been out with more than 150 men. Almost all were surprised someone as attractive as me would be online. A few were just rude and said in a few ways, sometimes unpleasant, “you are unattractive to me”. Almost all wanted sex without commitment. A couple were absolute gems but not right for me, though we remain great friends. I, as you say, refuse to change them in any way. They are “as is” items. But, online dating can leave you defensive and bitter when the umpteenth guy says “how long will it be before you’ll have sex with me” knowing full well he’ll never all you back if you say yes. So, I took a break and now meet real men who are a much better crowd. So, why do you recommend it so strongly?

By: Sparkling Emerald

Sparkling Emerald — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 03:09:59 +0000

Good article, and even tho’ I stink at math, the numbers thing puts it in proportion and I don’t feel so bad that I haven’t found anyone yet. However, I am taking a break now. Partly ‘cuz of a string of go no where dates, (or e-mail exchanges) and partly because I don’t like to go onto a first date within a short time frame of Valentine’s Day or Christmas/New Year’s. I know that sounds weird, but I don’t want be in the limbo portion of a relationship when a major “sweethearts” holiday is just around the corner.

By: Julie

Julie — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 14:28:42 +0000

Elizabeth – could have written what you wrote. Have been single 5 years now. Been told “it’ll happen when you’re not expecting it” – what a load of crock. Had one or two coffee dates which led to nothing – one guy got very huffy when I didn’t email him straight back (I was busy at work) and said it wasn’t going anywhere.
I find men my age (45) want younger women, the ones who’ve never been married suddenly decide they want kids (I’ve been there done that, bought the t-shirt), then there’s the ‘separated’ which worries me…
I don’t mind older men – but find that in many cases they’ve let themselves go very badly. I’m 45, slim, go to the gym, fairly attractive – been told I look 35… I’m not looking for George Clooney or even a 7, 8, 9 or 10 but someone who can at least walk the dog with me without keeling over!
I’m not fussy either. A friend had over 30 dates on internet dating sites before she found someone. I cannot believe out of those 30 men there wasn’t one before this that she couldn’t date… who knows?
I’m currently trying again after a ‘rest’ of 6 months… this will be my last go and then I will do as my friends say “he’ll come along when I’m not looking”… yeah.

By: Fiona

Fiona — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 18:18:01 +0000

I had an epiphany on this issue today while watching Andy Murray win Olympic gold in the tennis. One month ago he lost Wimbledon (after losing all of the 3 other majors he reached the final in). He was inconsolable and no doubt questioning whether it was all worth it after yet another case of coming so close and losing. Fast forward one month and he is standing on the Olympic podium with a gold medal hanging around his neck. Thank goodness he kept going. It did make me think how quickly things can turn around and how many of us are maybe just a few dates away from success. Got to be a lot easier than winning the Olympics.

By: Fiona

Fiona — Sat, 07 Jul 2012 22:43:41 +0000

I am not sure if Evan will allow me to post here as I foolishly wrote something that crossed the line in another blog post but if he does I would like to say thanks Peter and Elizabeth I empathise.

Nordic, I am in Bristol but I will probaby return to Switzerland in the autumn as at 37 I am finally giving up on dating after 19 years of being left by every man I ever cared for – my mind and body really cannot take any more – most recently I have been left yesterday by someone after 3 months who was not at all my type and following all Evan’s good advice but he left anyway. Always the same story about how I am out of their league, pretty, intelligent, funny and kind hearted but I am not for them or how my being driven and the stress that goes with it is not what they want.

I find the expat life rather superficial in Switzerland as everyone always seems to be sleeping with everyone else which doesn’t fit in with my ethos so will be avoiding that scene but I do hope to find a quiet contentment in life in the mountains and the lakes and hopefully find a bit of inner peace to see me through. I had hoped the dating scene in the UK would be better due to less cultural issues but it hasn’t worked out. The issue I think is me being sensitive and a bit of an old fashioned romantic (I only ever really wanted to meet one guy and stick with him for life) and each encounter has left me feeling tainted and each new heartache has piled on top of the one before. I think this might be what being emotionally bankrupt feels like.

By: Nordic

Nordic — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 21:13:08 +0000

i am 42 and have not experienced any problems with dating women around 35, well i didnt try for a a couple years now. i am not sure if this is a problem that most men that age have.

i have just spent six years in switzerland myself, and here its mostly ex pats that i have been dating, and what i have learned is that cultural differences play a huge role.

are you still here fiona? do you find london easier to date in than switzerland?

By: Peter

Peter — Sat, 23 Jun 2012 22:51:55 +0000

@Fiona 73. In the UK (and Europe in general) single men outnumber single women up to the early 50′s. Your troubles are nothing compared to the typical 18 year old boys. (about 0.2 of a girl who wants each boy in the UK).

@Fiona 70. Educated women seem to outnumber educated men because degrees are awarded for subjects that used to be Diplomas or Certificates in which women usually (nursing, school teaching) but not always (polytechnic engineers) predominated. You work in law, now a majority female profession at the intake level. You don’t see the engineers and the industrial chemists and the geologists and the army officers and the construction bosses. Despite 40 years of deindustrialisation these people still exist in large numbers in the UK, although not perhaps in London. Maybe you see a few accountants. There are plenty of educated men out there. They need to be hunted down.

They are not all playing World of Warcraft. Try car rallies, adventure sports, photography clubs. Men who play rugby (OK, not many after 45), soccer and cricket usually don’t have large commitments of family time. They are likely to be single more often than average. Rowing is quite mixed as a sport and more social than the gym.

By: Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Tue, 15 May 2012 19:44:51 +0000

I recently had a friend tell me, “when you least expect it, you will find the perfect man”…or better yet “he will find you–when you are not looking”. Guess what. I have stopped looking at one point for a good 2-4 years–and I was single. “Prince Charming” didn’t come knocking on my apt. door, looking for me. There was a point in my life, where I never though about dating, or looked to be with someone–and guess what? It didn’t happen when I wasn’t looking either. Such horseshit. Why do people believe this nonsense, that love will present itself when you least expect it? I suppose the love of my life will come find me at the gym or at my yoga class, which is primarily what I do. don’t care for bars at all.

For Fiona@75: I am also very open to dating men older than me, even though I get approached by younger men (in their 30′s)…I actually WANT to meet a man my age or a bit older, who are into fitness and the outdoors. But Those men are looking for women in their 30′s it seems. So what am I left with dating – men in their 50′s and 60′s? Who barely have any energy…can barely play a game of tennis or go running? Not looking for super successful men either. Just a hard working guy who is not pretentious or self-centered or too impressed with his title and his possessions. Someone beautiful on the “inside” preferably over surface looks. Still seems like I am trying to win the lotto here.