Comments on: How Do You Get Past the Cynicism and Get Back In The Dating Game? http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/ Thu, 09 Feb 2012 06:12:59 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: m http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-157676 m Mon, 30 May 2011 22:27:04 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-157676 <em>"</em><em>I never really thought about it until I read the above paragraph. Even my ex-wife who left me for another guy, blames me for our marriage ending! it simply can’t be the guys fault every time."</em> Maybe it has something to do with the way you treated her  -- did you shut down completely rather than try to resolve conflict?  Were there money or housework issues you refused to deal with or do anything about? -- that might've pushed her toward someone else. <em>"</em><em>I never really thought about it" </em>Maybe that's part of the problem. There are a lot of men who "don't see" a breakup coming till it actually happens, because the other thing they "don't see" is some bad habit of theirs that's pushing their wife away as an actual bad habit -- they just see it as "the way they are", with no attempt to examine their behavior to see if it might be worth changing in order to improve the relationship (which, after all, is about two people, not just one). If I've learned anything, it's that a breakup is rarely *all* of either party's "fault". (Though I think I've also learned that some men -- again, some, not all -- are nearly obsessed with "placing blame".) “I never really thought about it until I read the above paragraph. Even my ex-wife who left me for another guy, blames me for our marriage ending! it simply can’t be the guys fault every time.”

Maybe it has something to do with the way you treated her  – did you shut down completely rather than try to resolve conflict?  Were there money or housework issues you refused to deal with or do anything about? — that might’ve pushed her toward someone else.

“I never really thought about it”

Maybe that’s part of the problem.

There are a lot of men who “don’t see” a breakup coming till it actually happens, because the other thing they “don’t see” is some bad habit of theirs that’s pushing their wife away as an actual bad habit — they just see it as “the way they are”, with no attempt to examine their behavior to see if it might be worth changing in order to improve the relationship (which, after all, is about two people, not just one).

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that a breakup is rarely *all* of either party’s “fault”.

(Though I think I’ve also learned that some men — again, some, not all — are nearly obsessed with “placing blame”.)

]]> By: Diana http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-73956 Diana Mon, 05 Jul 2010 15:16:51 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-73956 To Mike #46 ~ I have noticed this pattern, too. Looking inward to try and learn what role you may have played in your failed relationship requires a great deal of courage, strength, and self-awareness, as well as dealing with tremendous pain and disappointment and failure which most people do not want to deal with. No one wants to feel as if they are responsible for their own pain, etc.   What frustrates me is that I am not that kind of person. I confront all of my issues, so that I can learn, grow, and hopefully, truly heal and move forward, but people do not want to hear this. They are like heat-seeking missiles with <strong>only</strong> wanting to focus on the fact that I was betrayed and cheated on. That my family's life was destroyed by the selfish and cruel actions of another. They refuse to see where I may have played any part in the marriage <strong>before</strong> the cheating occurred. Sitting around all day and stewing what a horrible monster he was may feel good in the short term, but it doesn't get me anywhere. I have found self-reflection to bring less anger and forgiveness on both sides.   I clearly see both sides of the coin ~ someone who will forever be <strong>solely</strong> responsible and held accountable for his actions, and a marriage where each of us made mistakes as individuals <strong>and</strong> as a couple. It wasn't all about him.   To Mike #46 ~ I have noticed this pattern, too. Looking inward to try and learn what role you may have played in your failed relationship requires a great deal of courage, strength, and self-awareness, as well as dealing with tremendous pain and disappointment and failure which most people do not want to deal with. No one wants to feel as if they are responsible for their own pain, etc.
 
What frustrates me is that I am not that kind of person. I confront all of my issues, so that I can learn, grow, and hopefully, truly heal and move forward, but people do not want to hear this. They are like heat-seeking missiles with only wanting to focus on the fact that I was betrayed and cheated on. That my family’s life was destroyed by the selfish and cruel actions of another. They refuse to see where I may have played any part in the marriage before the cheating occurred. Sitting around all day and stewing what a horrible monster he was may feel good in the short term, but it doesn’t get me anywhere. I have found self-reflection to bring less anger and forgiveness on both sides.
 
I clearly see both sides of the coin ~ someone who will forever be solely responsible and held accountable for his actions, and a marriage where each of us made mistakes as individuals and as a couple. It wasn’t all about him.
 

]]> By: Mike http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-73833 Mike Sun, 04 Jul 2010 22:27:16 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-73833   <strong><em>For women, you might seriously consider reading Norah Vincent’s Self-Made Man. It’s her account of the year she spend passing as a man. One of the most illuminating chapters in the book is about dating. She dated straight women as a man, and found women in their mid-to-late 30s to be remarkably bitter and entitled. And as a lesbian, she is in a unique position to understand how women hurt other women; she acknowledges that in the relationships both people hurt each other. Yet the straight women she dated refused to believe that they had anything to do with their relationship troubles, blaming it almost entirely on the men!</em></strong> I am 41 and been divorced for a year after 12 years in a relationship. I have to agree that I haven't met one single women, either on a date, co worker or just a friend that ever places any blame on themselves when it comes to relationships ending. I never really thought about it until I read the above paragraph. Even my ex-wife who left me for another guy, blames me for our marriage ending! it simply can't be the guys fault every time. "bitter and entitled" I have noticed some of that as well. But the biggest thing I have noticed is that even women my age still have the same rigid specifications for men.    
For women, you might seriously consider reading Norah Vincent’s Self-Made Man. It’s her account of the year she spend passing as a man. One of the most illuminating chapters in the book is about dating. She dated straight women as a man, and found women in their mid-to-late 30s to be remarkably bitter and entitled. And as a lesbian, she is in a unique position to understand how women hurt other women; she acknowledges that in the relationships both people hurt each other. Yet the straight women she dated refused to believe that they had anything to do with their relationship troubles, blaming it almost entirely on the men!
I am 41 and been divorced for a year after 12 years in a relationship. I have to agree that I haven’t met one single women, either on a date, co worker or just a friend that ever places any blame on themselves when it comes to relationships ending.
I never really thought about it until I read the above paragraph. Even my ex-wife who left me for another guy, blames me for our marriage ending! it simply can’t be the guys fault every time.
“bitter and entitled” I have noticed some of that as well. But the biggest thing I have noticed is that even women my age still have the same rigid specifications for men.
 

]]> By: Diana http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-33128 Diana Sun, 07 Jun 2009 18:38:23 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-33128 To Michael #40 ~ I have occasionally responded to a wink or flirt with an e-mail. Nearly all of the communication I receive is far away from my dating area. That is perplexing to me, given both the volume I receive, my vicinity, and the high availability of singles my area. And I do sometimes e-mail guys on my own. While I do not like the excessive amount of impersonal smiley icons coming my way, I do not want to specify in my profile to not wink. Rather I let them know that if they are interested, they can email me. The problem is, I think most guys who see a quick thumbnail photo and a brief few lines of my profile are kind of like a microwave ~ they either instantly click yes for "wink" because they like what they see or quickly move on. Few seem to take the time to actually read my profile. And I think some guys click wink to nearly everyone as a numbers game. Here's an interesting thought about winks ... some online dating experts try to really discourage guys from using this kind of communication because if you translate this situation to say real time, it's kind of like a guy sitting in a bar and winking at the girl across the room, and she's supposed to come over. When in fact, they feel it's the girl who should be sending the winks out. A wink feels sort of like a cop out. If you're really interested, then read her profile, find something, anything to comment on, try to interject a little of your own personality, and hopefully, she'll at least see that you stand out from the pack, and write you back. To Michael #40 ~ I have occasionally responded to a wink or flirt with an e-mail. Nearly all of the communication I receive is far away from my dating area. That is perplexing to me, given both the volume I receive, my vicinity, and the high availability of singles my area. And I do sometimes e-mail guys on my own.

While I do not like the excessive amount of impersonal smiley icons coming my way, I do not want to specify in my profile to not wink. Rather I let them know that if they are interested, they can email me. The problem is, I think most guys who see a quick thumbnail photo and a brief few lines of my profile are kind of like a microwave ~ they either instantly click yes for “wink” because they like what they see or quickly move on. Few seem to take the time to actually read my profile. And I think some guys click wink to nearly everyone as a numbers game.

Here’s an interesting thought about winks … some online dating experts try to really discourage guys from using this kind of communication because if you translate this situation to say real time, it’s kind of like a guy sitting in a bar and winking at the girl across the room, and she’s supposed to come over. When in fact, they feel it’s the girl who should be sending the winks out.

A wink feels sort of like a cop out. If you’re really interested, then read her profile, find something, anything to comment on, try to interject a little of your own personality, and hopefully, she’ll at least see that you stand out from the pack, and write you back.

]]> By: starthrower68 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-33048 starthrower68 Sun, 07 Jun 2009 02:49:39 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-33048 Point well taken, Karl. Point well taken, Karl.

]]> By: Karl R http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-32874 Karl R Fri, 05 Jun 2009 20:51:08 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-32874 <b>starthrower68 said:</b> (#38) <i>"I think it's kind of funny and interesting that I'm getting viewed but passed over by a lot of 'below 7's' "</i> They could be passing over your for any number of reasons. I'll pass over women if it's obvious that I'm not what they want. For example, if they list "braniacs" as a "turn-off", then I'll assume that we're not a good match. I'll also pass over women who don't seem to be a good match for me. If it looks like a woman is primarily interested in a travel partner, I'm not all that interested. If a woman wants kids, we're not a good match. They may be superb matches for someone else, but not me. If someone views you and passes, there's no telling what the reason was. Therefore, there's no reason to spend a lot of time wondering why. starthrower68 said: (#38)
“I think it’s kind of funny and interesting that I’m getting viewed but passed over by a lot of ‘below 7′s’ “

They could be passing over your for any number of reasons. I’ll pass over women if it’s obvious that I’m not what they want. For example, if they list “braniacs” as a “turn-off”, then I’ll assume that we’re not a good match.

I’ll also pass over women who don’t seem to be a good match for me. If it looks like a woman is primarily interested in a travel partner, I’m not all that interested. If a woman wants kids, we’re not a good match. They may be superb matches for someone else, but not me.

If someone views you and passes, there’s no telling what the reason was. Therefore, there’s no reason to spend a lot of time wondering why.

]]> By: starthrower68 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-32868 starthrower68 Fri, 05 Jun 2009 19:41:58 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-32868 I don't recall calling them bad people, Joe. But the phenomena of people pursuing someone up farther on the scale with regard to online dating has been discussed on here many times. I would not necessarily classify myself "higher" on the scale so I'm not calling anyone anything. I don’t recall calling them bad people, Joe. But the phenomena of people pursuing someone up farther on the scale with regard to online dating has been discussed on here many times. I would not necessarily classify myself “higher” on the scale so I’m not calling anyone anything.

]]> By: Joe http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-32855 Joe Fri, 05 Jun 2009 17:45:28 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-32855 Just because the "below 7s" don't contact you doesn't make them bad people, just people whose type you aren't. Just because the “below 7s” don’t contact you doesn’t make them bad people, just people whose type you aren’t.

]]> By: Michael http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-32843 Michael Fri, 05 Jun 2009 15:56:15 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-32843 <i>95% winks/flirts vs emails</i> Why not send an e-mail back (if their profile is interesting), Diana? If they <i. still </i> refuse to e-mail, just move on. 95% winks/flirts vs emails
Why not send an e-mail back (if their profile is interesting), Diana?

If they <i. still refuse to e-mail, just move on.

]]> By: starthrower68 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-do-you-get-past-the-cynicism-and-get-back-in-the-dating-game/comment-page-1/#comment-32748 starthrower68 Fri, 05 Jun 2009 03:13:44 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/?p=1284#comment-32748 BTW, I was also honest about my body type in my profile, so if they're contacting me anyway, I admit I'm pleasantly suprised. BTW, I was also honest about my body type in my profile, so if they’re contacting me anyway, I admit I’m pleasantly suprised.

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