No. The real point is that, due to the modern woman’s fantasies, she will not “feel” she loves a decent man, only sorry excuses for men. True love has a greater chance of developing for a decent and a kind man. 
There is no free lunch in life. If you want a great marriage/relationship you have to work for it, because it just won’t happen all by itself. 

It sounds to me like you want one of two things:

1) Crazy sparks/attraction. However, based on your story of being married to someone who turned out to be emotionally abusive…would having that kind of “spark” prevent this from happening?  I’d argue that it would be more likely to make you overlook any warning signs of that outcome and thus be more dangerous.

2) The ability to see ahead in time and completely and accurately predict what someone will be like later one.  Sorry, it can’t be done presently and likely never will be possible.  Too many variables.  So if your idea of “settling” is to not be involved unless you can completely, 100% predict whether someone will ever become emotionally abusive or whatever your particular fear is, you’re just plain out of luck in this world.  It can’t be done.  You can make an educated guess or estimation based on behavior right now, but…the future can’t be predicted.  In that aspect, we all “hope for the best.”

It sounds to me like you’re scared based on previous experience and are looking for that guy who makes you not have to think about these potential pitfalls.  That is going to be someone who gives you those obsessive “spark”…and in my estimation you are far more likely to end up with a bad outcome by making decisions based upon that.  That “spark”…that obsessive feeling…is absolutely fun.  But, its a drug (literally)…and like any drug it has an amazing tendency to fog us over and make us oblivious to what is REAL vs our own drug-induced fantasies.

Thank you for clarifying your philosophy.

I stayed single with for the last 2 years dating a little but mostly focusing on making myself emotionally healthy for a HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. 

Then I met him. I read your book after I met him (it was a fluke meeting via phone call) because I wanted all the right information to make sure I don’t repeat past patterns. I am 53 now, and a dance instructor, so I still look fit and good, and my new partner is a retired Ice Hockey player. So for the first time in my life, I have someone with similar hobbies so we can go our separate ways to enjoy our passions. 

A commitment is coming, but we aren’t rushing it, That is my issue…I always rushed, he is not. It drives me crazy, but I know I need to pay attention to you and the fact I do not want to repeat old patterns and still work on myself. Well, so far so good. 

He actually listens to me, and I to him which is a good change of patterns. Everything is healthy so far and it is different than any relationship I’ve ever had. He is an “Alpha,” but after the deaths of Mother, Fiancee and best friend, 2 bouts with cancer himself in a 4 year span, he is a different man than before. He wants to understand women and is always conscious of my feelings and wants to participate in keeping it healthy–so I committed and it is good so far after 4 months. He is is thoughtful and kind.

So, I believe we are on the right track….if anyone has any comments, I would appreciate it…

thanks Evan… 

Because I can assure you that all happily married people see the value in compromising. They don’t see it as settling.

If you refuse to compromise, you will remain single. No offense.