How Do You Know If It’s Worth It To Try a Long Distance Relationship?
Dear Evan,
I have seen a lot of interesting questions about dating and the internet. So here is mine: How do you know if this guy that talks to you on the phone for hours every day…and lives overseas…is for real?!?
Let’s see a tell-tale list of signs for women to know when he IS interested. I, like most women, think we have guys figured out but are so wrong most of the time. Men DON’T usually share their feelings or sometimes are afraid to I guess. So we play the "let’s read into everything he does" game.
Keep in mind this is an international relationship and not the boy who lives 30 minutes away and I can meet him anytime. So how do I know if it’s worth it or if it’s all gonna be like a giant bomb exploding around me because what we have online or the phone just can’t be sustained "in real life". I would like to know what to look for.
thanks,
Charoa
Dear Charoa,
I trust you’re asking me if this relationship is real, as opposed to the person. Because believe me, there are people overseas who are out to scam you out of your money, and you should be aware of that. Generally, scammers will show interest in older women or men who haven’t been getting much attention online. Then, they’ll develop a rapport over a few weeks and ask you to send money. And when you do, you’ll never hear from them again.
I remember one nice Midwestern man calling American Singles customer service (where I was working in 2001) to complain about a Russian woman he had met on the site. Apparently, he had fallen in love with this woman, who, in turn, asked him to send her $2000 so she could move to the
But assuming you’re asking me about long-distance relationships, Charoa, yeah, I’ve got a few ideas.
As it stands, I’m driving up to
My best girl friend from high school has just moved from
A woman I briefly dated cross-country who told me she’d never leave
These are real stories of real people who are really close to me.
And yet, I still wouldn’t recommend a long-distance relationship….
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9 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating, Sex
Carmin Wharton 1
My opinion: if there is an option between dating someone in close proximity versus someone long distance, always, always go with the person in close proximity.
Why? Isn’t the reason we date to get to know someone better, perhaps to explore a long term relationship? Or, to simply have companionship. How can you really get to know someone better and have companionship at a great distance.
I believe to “be there” one has to “be there.”
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
Author, “Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces”
http://www.carminwharton.com
becci 2
A year ago i met a man online , in May of this year we met for the first time, and have been together ever since. Its hard been in a long distance relationship and i miss him terribly when were apart. We talk everyday on the phone, usualy 2/3 times and we email and chat online, we also try to meet up for long weekends at least 2 times a month. It i hard but worth it, we know that eventually one of us will have to move so we can be together but we are also being sensible and taking it slowly to ensure that were both ready when it happens. Honesty is the most important thing in a long term relationship, without it , it will not work. When your apart from the person you love for 80% of the year, you have to have trust.
hope this helps you, but it is worth it, plan and discuss what you want for the future together, but dont rush
Sue 3
About 2 years ago, I met an incredible man playing an online game. Had been doing the online dating thing for a long time and had poor results. Not all dates were bad, there was just no interest in anything other then friends (and that was fine with me as well). Then along came the man of my online dreams. He lived 1800+ miles away. We spent over a year getting to know each other, bickering, out-right fighting and one of us ignoring the other. Our mutual online friends listened to us bemoan our bad luck and listened to us say how miserable we were when not playing together. 4 times I had planned to move to meet him and everything. 3 times he changed his mind and just wanted to be friends. I found other people to play the game we enjoy with and decided that enough was enough. Last December he told me that he was miserable without me even in a virtual world. Last Feb, he asked me to marry him. Keep in mind that we had never met in person. We had talked on the phone, written dozens of emails, talked on the computer with VoIP. I FINALLY packed everything, got on a train and moved 1800+ miles to meet the man of my dreams for the first time. Now, as the train grew nearer to the final stop where he was waiting to pick me up, I imagined all sorts of things. I was imagining him taking one look at me and sending me right back. He had seen pictures of me and me of him, but pictures don’t always tell the whole story. I thought “What if I am in love with a troll?! What if he thinks I am a troll?!!”. Needless to say, 5 months later, we are deliriously happy and plan to marry soon. So, depending on how much time you put into getting to know the person before actually meeting, it can be very rewarding and so very worth it.
NIKKI 4
I meet this guy on a phone dating service..Its been 2 years, and i spent 4 days and plus Christmas with him last year.. But we haven’t seen each other since..Although we talk every day at least 2-3 times …His told mehe loves me and can’t live with out me..What’s the caught is that he lives only an hour and 30 minutes away…I not sure if i am in a relationship or just a penpals..I do care for him and he told me that he loves me and wants to spend his life with me..Am i crazy for thinking things will change and we will be together..what sure i do? Very confused…
Hopeless Love 5
I have fallen for a guy that lives overseas as well.. and I have felt this way for three years about him. We talk almost every day on Messenger and webcam and practically are the same person. (He says one thing as I am about to say it and vise versa) The problem is I am about to go off to college and will be there for four years and that limits all opportunities of meeting. Although a part of me wants to get over him and meet people in college and maybe find someone else, another part cares deeply for him and worries that they could make the worst decision in their life by letting that one in a million chance go.
Ellen 6
all I do is long distance relationships (for two years now) so I’m a friggin’ expert folks. Well, not terribly long- I date in two major towns about 1 and 1.5 hrs. away by car, respectively, so not awful.
As a result the relationships (while they last anyway) tend to be weekend ones only and sometimes only 2x/month if the guy has kids and partial custody (as I do).
I’ve met about 4 great guys this way, & my fwb lives 1 hr. 20 minutes away. It takes work, it can be very hard emotionally at times, and each MUST text/email daily to make it work. My advice: Don’t enter into one with a guy not willing to do that…
Everyone stays so busy I don’t see why these sorts of relationships can’t work, ongoing, for a long time if both are willing. I tell my dates- you would spend 30 minutes, more in traffic trying to get to me if we were both local, so think about that! I’m a little less convenient, but I am willing to make the effort if they are. It’s just impossible to find anyone here in this small town I live in. I am sophisticated, highly educated so MUST troll in bigger dating pools, sorry!
Bluebell 7
longdistnce relationship didnt work for me. First one we never met. Second one, I made the effort to meet after knowing each other for 3 weeks. Then low and behold he was still living with his mother! he didnt tell me that outright. It was the day after I bought my ticket he told me this. He also had terrible self image problems that I found out in the end. He didnt trust women as his previous girlfriend went off with his cousin, when i asked him if his attitude may have contributed to this! he blow the roof saying that my personality was just like hers. It was appalling. I must admit I was desperate to love and b loved so I rushed into this one but was hurt. He told me what my fantasies wanted to hear.
Anjali 8
@Sue
Strange that you broke the rules of the dating game and went to meet your man instead of his coming to meet you like Evan tells us all to do! But, it worked for you. And hey! that’s what matters in the end.
A guy I met online has also invited me to come and meet him at his place and he lives 2000 k.m. away. I was debating what to do after reading all that Evan has told us about man being the “chaser”. But your experience shows that a woman CAN go to meet her man and things can turn out well in the end. Happy for you Sue! Don’t know how my visit will turn out though. Am keeping my fingers crossed!
Grace 9
I met a man online late December 2012. I’m in Chicago, 48 yrs old, he’s in New York and 51 years old. We started talking on the phone first, then added in texting as well. He didn’t have a webcam but went out and bought one so we could skpe. I helped him set up his skype account. This was the end of January. He didn’t know how to hook up the webcam and didn’t get it working til March. We finally skyped and it was very good, we had good interaction with each other. He is not a lover of modern technology so to speak, but he thought skype was pretty cool.
He sent me flowers for Valentine’s Day and I sent him a gift as well. A few days after V-Day, he said we need to nail down 3-4 days that we can spend together. I let him bring it up. I have a 14 year old son so I can’t just go away any weekend. We finally decided on dates in April to meet for the first time.
I purchased Evan’s WHD which has helped me to not put all stock in this one person. I am talking to other men and meeting new people. If we are exclusive, then of course I wouldn’t see other men.