How Do You Tell Your Friend She’s Screwing Up Her Love Life Without Ruining the Friendship?
Dear Evan,
My friend is a very pretty, sweet, nice gal. She’s not an Einstein, not particularly into too many hobbies, slightly reserved, and definitely jaded from being on many bad dates. She’s been on and off JDate a million times, (because I try and convince her that her "one" is on there) and continues to go out with "that" guy who says he’s gonna call but never does. Her previous "relationships" have been with guys where they’ve been into her, slept with her, and called it off anywhere from 3 – 6 months thereafter. And as much as she claims she’s "over" them, somehow, they always pop up in conversation and I wonder why she spends her time pining over these retards.
Worse, I don’t have the heart to tell her everything I think she’s doing wrong in her personal life (I know, buy her your book). But in all seriousness, I sincerely wish I could be that fly on the wall and listen to what she talks about on a first date with a guy. I truly believe she talks about shit that most guys don’t care to hear, which inadvertently becomes the kiss of death.
Evan, I need help here. I need to figure out what to say/do for her because I love her very much and really want to see her happy. She is the sister that I never had, yet I feel so wrong for ever offering her any advice. It’s not like I can tell her "Hey – switch up your personality a bit" – can I? I’ve given her hints here and there, but I don’t know how direct I really am. I made her sign up for your blog hoping that she can read and relate to some of the terrible faux pas people make. Do I kindly suggest her to contact you directly? Is that rude? I support your business and all, just don’t wanna step on any toes.
Thank you for reading this mess (if you’ve actually gotten this far). You rock.
Elise
Dear Elise,
Thanks for the kind words and the business plug. And since your friend has no idea that you’re soliciting help on her behalf, I want to thank you for her as well.
Now that we’re done with the niceties, let’s get down to business.
First, an admission of a great mistake on my part. I wrote a book, which, quite seriously, CANNOT BE GIVEN AS A GIFT.
Just listen to the title:
“Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad”
What a supremely stupid idea. Literally, the only way that this book can be handed to someone else is with the admission that you’ve already read it and found it useful.
Otherwise, it becomes the very blunt tool that the book’s title warns against. Your friends WILL get mad if you give them this book. Especially if they wouldn’t be inclined to pick it up themselves. So how do you help someone who isn’t necessarily looking for help?
Well, let’s parallel this situation with a metaphor.
You notice your friend is looking a little thick around the middle. She’s probably 25 pounds above her ideal weight. Do you:
Only take her to vegan restaurants and hope she picks up the habit?
Hint that you were thinking of taking a power walk every day after work?
Tell her that she might want to consider doing the Atkins diet with you?
Sign her up for a one-year membership at the gym without her permission?
Depending on your level of closeness, and your own gluttony for punishment, you’re going to choice either a, b, or c. Of course, d is the best thing for her. But if I’ve learned one thing as a coach, it’s that I can’t help someone who doesn’t specifically desire my help….
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3 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice
mrs. vee 1
Elise
I read your letter and two admonishments immediately sprung to mind: 1) A girl has to kiss a few frogs before she finds her prince. and 2) You have to let your friends make their own mistakes.
Youre obviously frustrated on behalf of your friend, and that shows you care for her. However, the examples you cite to establish that shes in dire need of intervention somehow failed to convince me she was a train wreck. You say shes not brilliant, could use some hobbies, isnt always the life of the party, and has suffered through a string of poor dating choices that left her scarred. Well, you just described a large percentage
of the adult single female population. In fact, Id say nearly every female I know, myself and my 90-year old grandma included, would describe her own early dating history as a string of bad choices. What better tool for learning to recognize Mr. Right (when he does appear) than plain old trial-and-error?
To be honest, it seemed condescending and vaguely mother hennish of you to even consider saying switch up your personality. Theres no one right way to be when out with a man. She could perhaps be a little more relaxed, more positive on dates, but the onus isnt on her to become somebody completely different in the hopes of attracting a mate. Her job is to be the absolute best of herself so that she will attract the most compatible partner.
Since I seem to be trafficking in old adages today, theres also this one that springs to mind: For every pot, theres a lid. Perhaps your dearest friend has simply yet to find hers. Compatibility is elusive,
requiring more luck than skill. It cant be manufactured by anything we DO. A girl can be doing everything right and still all she can do is wait to meet the guy who will respond to her particular charms…who will be equally good for her as well.
In the meantime, if you really want to be supportive, be patient with her. Help her recognize the lessons to be learned from her past dating blunders. Then, focus most of your energies on creating fun times and letting her know shes important to you. Because in doing so, you will indirectly be giving her the confidence to say no to the next bad-news boy who comes along.
BeenThruTheWars 2
Hi, Elise. I like Mrs. Vee’s advice about encouraging your friend to be her best self so that she will attract a compatible partner. True love is when two flawed people get together and consistently bring out the best in each other; or putting it another way, we all have baggage, so the trick is finding someone whose baggage is compatible with yours.
My question, reading your letter, was why are you pushing your friend so hard toward JDate? What about speed dating, or singles parties, or dining out groups, or a mixed bowling league, or a dating or matchmaking service, or synagogue-related groups, or a political group, or woodworking classes, or volunteer organizations, or… etc. etc. etc. What has her luck been like meeting men in the wild?
Any given website should only be “one line in the water.” The fishies are all around us! I know a dating message board where the gals refer to guys they meet via online dating sites as “lobsters”… as having their picture and profile up is like leaving a lobster trap in the water. Every morning, you log on and check for lobsters. Meanwhile, your friend should be getting out there, doing all manner of things both to expand her interests (which in turn will make her a more interesting person), make other friends of both sexes, and incidentally while she’s at it, maybe meet “The One” (although that shouldn’t be her sole focus).
You may SUGGEST all these things to her… once. Twice, tops. But the pushing and nagging in the name of “loving her like a sister” has got to stop, Elise. Why? Because it doesn’t work, as you’ve obviously found. And also because you will risk alienating her.
Evan was partly right when he said the first step of 12-step programs is admitting there’s a problem. Here is the language AA uses:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
Substitute “our best friend’s love life” for “alcohol,” and you’ve got the crux of it. YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER YOUR BEST FRIEND’S LOVE LIFE. You can’t control it, Elise; well, you can BE controlling and pushy and an imperious know-it-all if you like, but that’s your personality flaw, not hers. And if you don’t knock it off or at least find a gentler and more loving and empathetic approach, your lovely friendship is going to become unmanageable. No one likes people telling them what to do all the time when they haven’t asked. After a while, “loving advice” turns into nagging, which can turn into codependency, which will then take you (if you’re lucky) into a 12-step meeting for real to find some serenity again. (The tone of your letter is anything but serene!)
That said, I, too, have single friends who seem to be beating their heads against the wall over the lack of quality men/relationships they’re experiencing. When they are through kvetching, I ask them, “Would you like me to just keep listening or do you want some constructive advice?” When they have felt heard… when THEY open that door… then I can offer my comments and encouragement. Try this sometime and see if you get a better reception. Otherwise, your well-intentioned words will only be so many muffled cries through the solid core, 4-panel oak.
Flower White 3
I have just cut off a female friend who, for the last five-FIVE years has used us, her friends, as a springboard to complain about her dysfunctional relationship how she had a bad boyfriend and was screwing up her love life
Every phone call and convo- no matter how much we asked her not to- she’d start in about Mr.Wrong- hewho told her to take it or leave it. Yup it appears as Mr.Wrong has the most sense about relationships. Finally I unfriended her on FB and deleted her number.
A 50 year old woman whining about a bf for five years? Very tired.
I did my best to fix her advised her to visit this site buy Evan’s books, etc.
She chose to stay stuck. I made my choice.
Please save the comments saying that I’m a fair weather friend.
I believe she was a toxic friend.