How Hard Is It To Date When You’re An Unemployed Bachelor?
We're all facing some tough financial times these days, but it can be especially tough for single men who have lost their jobs. According to msnbc, not only are men losing jobs at a faster rate than women, they also believes it seriously impedes their dating life.
"Men have been hit much harder than women by this recession. Close to 80 percent of the job losses since December 2007 were jobs held by men, according to economics expert Mark J. Perry, who analyzed Bureau of Labor Statistics data. April unemployment was a seasonally adjusted 10 percent for men and 7.6 percent for women."
"For some guys, unemployment is the last thing they want to reveal to a potential date. Even if men aren't expected to pay for a date, they feel pressure from women who are looking for someone who is financially stable."
So what do you think? For the women, would you date a guy who has lost his job during the recession? And men, would you wait to tell your date that your unemployed, or would you tell them up front? And if you haven't heard, I'm doing a little recession bailout of my own! While I'm on vacation, I'm offering a $100 discount on my Finding the One Online CD series – go to www.findingtheoneonline.com/promo to find out more. That's just $197 or three payments of $66. But this sale ends when I get back – June 21st!
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56 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice
Honey 1
Being temporarily without a job in this economy isn’t necessarily a reflection on the person. When it IS a reflection on the person, it’s obvious in other ways that it’s someone you wouldn’t want to be involved with.
What I wouldn’t date is someone with roommates. Seriously, after age 25 that’s just lame.
Honey´s last blog post…Away We Go
Cilla 2
@ Honey
LOL–I feel the same way about roommates, especially female ones for male daters. In addition to being lame, I always think if you hang around the barber shop long enough, you’re gonna get a haircut.
I’m likely to lose my job this year due to a hostile takeover of the company where I work. I’m not on any sites currently, but when I was, I put it in my profile under the career section. I also added that it was a good time to make a career change and had a plan in place to weather the transition. This disclosure didn’t seem to bother men in the least, judging from the number of emails I continued to receive. To be frank though, I think if you’re unattractive AND unemployed, it might hurt your chances more.
I would hesitate to date someone who remained unemployed for a long time. Do something, even if it’s not what you were trained to do or as prestigious as your last job. Men who go years without employment remind me of unmarried men who go years without a single real relationship: picky, picky, picky.
Ava 3
My experience is that many men don’t want to date when they’re unemployed. Having the means to take a woman out is important to most men. Their pride is affected if they can’t do that.
Blue 4
Sharing living expenses with a roommate is one of the easiest ways to save money each month when you are single, regardless of age. I’d be cautious of dating someone who had a problem with that, and I’d suspect that person would not be as responsible with their money as they could be. If they can’t see and respect the practicality in saving hundreds of dollars per month with a roommate, they are probably the kind of person who is living beyond their means and getting into trouble financially. No thanks!
Racer x 5
I first would like to say that i do take offense to the women who are saying that a man having a roommate is wrong or lame!! I am 45, gainfully employed and divorced for 3 years. What they don’t relaize is that most of the time in a divorce the man gets stuck with all the bills, and NO it’s not for the fact that he cheated. He is usually the main bread winner so the bulk of the load goes to him.
As in my case i have a roommate because i can live cheap, pay off my bills and then be relatively debt free when it comes time to buy my own place. In the meantime i’d rather use the money i do have DOING things instead of BUYING things!!!! It’s very narrow minded to lump everyone into a single catatgory. For anyone that has been reading Evan’s blogs, isn’t that what he preaches????
Karl R 6
I’ve dated before while unemployed, so it’s clearly not impossible. (I’ve also dated a couple women who were unemployed.) The better financial shape you’re in, the easier it is. I was still able to pay for dates on a regular basis, so that wasn’t a cause for discomfort.
But unemployment is a major confidence killer. And if you don’t feel as confident, it’s harder to act as confident. That is probably the toughest aspect about dating.
Unemployment also adds stress to a relationship. It’s easy to suggest that the other person could be “doing more” in their job search. It’s probably also true. But that’s almost guaranteed to make the unemployed person upset and defensive.
Steve 7
Remember the character George Costanza from the TV series Seinfeld? There was an episode where Costanza, a serious loser, decides to do the opposite of whatever his instincts tell him to do. I think this quote I am going to paraphrase comes from that episode. I think it sums up how most men feel about trying to date while unemployed:
I’m fat, bald, unemployed and I live with my parents
Lance 8
Being unemployed is a disadvantage for sure, but you can work around it. I dated successfully three summers ago while only working as a freelancer, which, at the time, was virtually being unemployed. It’s far more difficult to build a relationship when you’re laid off.
Honey, that’s bullshit on the roommates line. I agree with several of the other commenters above, having roommates is an effective and fiscally responsible strategy. In fact, I think it’s IRRESPONSIBLE to not have roommate(s) when you’re single at any age. Consider the cost savings, the shared use of resources and energy, carpooling opportunities, and the lowered impact on the environment.
BTW, you and your the BF are roommates right now.
Also wanted to concur with Racer X in his comment. I have a friend, age 50, who just got a divorce, and he had no choice but to move in with a roommate because of the financial hit. This is a guy who works for Motorola and makes 100K+ per year. He’s also successfully dating off Match and the women don’t give a shit that he’s got a roommate.
Lance´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Honey 9
@ Cilla – I agree about LONG term unemployment as well. I’d rather date someone who took a part-time job to weather the storm than someone who said that they just couldn’t find anything, because it’s not really believable.
@ Blue and RacerX, that’s an interesting response, because when I see someone with roommates, one of the assumptions I make is that it’s because they’ve made terrible financial decisions and can’t afford to live on their own. So I avoid them out of self-protection.
I mean, it doesn’t really cost any more to live on your own – it just means you can’t live in a huge place. When I moved out of a roommate situation (when I was around 25, actually) my rent only went up $50/mo. – totally worth the privacy and self-growth that occurred with only myself for company.
I lived alone until I moved in with the BF and thought I’d save a bunch of money – nope! Rent only went down about $50 and all utilities increased. So I don’t buy that it NECESSARILY saves money, though it CAN. Really how it reads to me is that:
1. the guy isn’t independent enough or doesn’t like himself enough to be alone with his own company (not a good start to a relationship),
2. the guy is too snobby and materialistic to be willing to make sacrifices for the long-term good (my place when I lived alone was super tiny and didn’t have central heat or air),
3. the guy has made extremely poor financial decisions that lead to him being unable to finance his own existence, which is something I want to avoid at all costs.
Plus I just think that if you’re going to date, being able to be alone with that person is extremely important (it’s the only way you get to know who they really are), and I can only assume that if a guy deliberately hasn’t created a space where that can happen, then he’s not really in a place where he should be dating.
Other people might have different opinions, but I think my own interpretations are pretty valid, based on my experience at least.
Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Honey 10
Lance – haha, we posted at the same time. In any case, as I point out, when I started living alone I only spent like $50 more per month and when I moved in with the BF my monthly bills went up. So it’s just not true about roommates.
Also when I lived alone I either walked or biked everywhere, so I had way less environmental impact than now (though it’s more a function of where I live than whether or not I had roommates).
I’m happy that others have been able to date with roommates. I just wouldn’t do it because of the conclusions I’ve drawn about such folks from my own dating experience. And before you say that we both had roommates when we dated, I was 23 then! So it fits with the student lifestyle I was living at the time.
Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Steve 11
@Honey, post #10
I had housemates until my early thirties so I could completely pay off my debts. My rent related expenses went up a lot more than $50 or the inflation adjusted equivalent when I got my own place.
Mr_Right 12
You have to admit though, having roommates is better than living at home with your parents.
Honey 13
@ Steve, I’m guessing you didn’t get rid of a bunch of your stuff and move into a studio, then, which is basically what I did.
I just think that roommates give people an unrealistic standard of living because they’re letting other people subsidize their life instead of being responsible for themselves. PLUS I’ve had so many deadbeat roommates that couldn’t cover their own share of things that I would never put myself in a situation where I was responsible for someone’s expenses and we weren’t in a serious romantic relationship leading to marriage. Before the BF, I never lived with a significant other, either.
The BF and I moved in together after 2 years of dating, which I think is about as fast as it’s okay to move – and after less than a year I made him move to a smaller place. Now we are finally saving money, but it’s because I made us move to a place that is half the size of our previous place and we either sold or gave away more than a room’s worth of furniture and belongings.
I could never marry or get serious about someone who hadn’t lived completely alone for at least a year, because I just don’t think that you’re ready to commit to someone else unless you know yourself that well. That’s exactly how the BF felt – the first two years that we dated were the only two that he ever lived alone, and he says that he doesn’t think that he’d have been ready to think about marriage without it. I agree.
If I ever became single again, I would get rid of as much stuff as necessary and live in a 500 sq foot studio walking distance from work before I would have a roommate.
Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Cilla 14
I don’t disagree that having roommates can save you money. But I’d still rather date a guy who lives alone in a tiny place than one who shares a bigger place with one or more people. I realize sometimes you’re stuck with a big place until you can sell it or run out the lease, but I’m just not going to date you.
As Honey said, dating as an adult means spending time alone together. When I’ve dated people with roommates, they either wanted to spend ALL their time at my house, because their roommates were omnipresent (a strain on the relationship and my refrigerator) or they wanted to spend time at home and were oblivious to the ubiquitous presence of their roommates (or worse yet, wanted to include their roommates in too many activities).
I got sick of having to sit three on the sofa in front of the TV (very romantic), never being able to cook a meal or order food without someone wanting in on it, never having a place to park my car in the driveway, always having to be fully dressed anywhere in the house, always having to be quiet or discreet about having sex… Yuck, it was like a combination of living at home with my parents and living in a fraternity house. I’m just too old to compromise in that direction any more.
Mikko Kemppe 15
Yes, losing a job can be a confidence killer, especially to men. Our self-esteem is tied primarily to the work that we do and feeling competent about our achievements.
To answer Evan’s question, I would not have trouble telling someone that I don’t currently have a job as long as I would be feeling confident about my plans to find work or to make money.
But if I did not feel confident about being able to provide and to make money, I probably would take a break from dating until I did.
Mikko Kemppe´s last blog post…Do Men Just Want Sex? Should My Decision Be To Wait Or Not To Wait?
Honey 16
@ Cilla – yes. Yes. Yes. Does having roommates make you a bad person? No. Can it save you money/reduce your carbon footprint? Possibly, though it is hardly a guarantee (and while I know tons of folks who say they have roommates to save money, I don’t know of a single one who actually calculated the approximate difference between single life and roommate life and funneled the difference directly into savings via direct deposit, which if you’re doing it to “save money” seems like the way to be responsible about it).
I would go for a guy in a studio apartment over a guy in a nice 3 br. house with roommates any day.
Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Honey 17
Haha, Mr_Right! No parents after age 18. Ever. That’s my other rule
Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Steve 18
@Honey post #13
Not true. I never had a lot of stuff ( and still don’t ). I have a frugal bent like you do. In my area rents are so expensive that they rival mortgages. Renting a room in a house or an apartment is much cheaper than even renting a studio.
Carol 19
Part of the whole issue is where you are in life and what you are looking for. I am dating a man who is self employed and has been hit hard by the recession. He has been very creative in planning dates to places that are low cost or free. That is something I admire, his ability to spend fun time with me, not where we go or what we do. I am fortunate not to need a man to support me, I’m not looking for money, just love like most people. Everything else is just stuff.
Eathan 20
It is challenging to date while unemployed. Especially in Dallas, the capital of Gold Diggers. It takes a being creative, which Lance pointed out. Our night life paper promotes happy hour special, dinner specials and activities.
@honey Having roommates isn’t a bad thing or housemates in my case. There’s no way you can logically say that it only costs $50 more per month to live with a roomie. Honey you have a bf which is way different from having a roommate. In my case, my housemate is only home 4 nights a month and still pays his share. It’s cheaper for him to rent from me than to get his own place. And it saves me alot on my expenses. There are alot of factors when considering the roommate concept.
Lance 21
Honey, you’re just flatout wrong about the roommates thing. Which is wild, considering you’re such a proponent of renting…I see the two as going 100% hand-in-hand.
I think the image you have is of a small UCF-style apartment with 2-3 dudes sitting around on 1 couch with pizza boxes and beer cans everywhere. Back in college, that was a reality and yeah it sucked to bring date around. That’s just not the case now. Adults who room together have nice, spacious places where there’s ample room to bring a date and plenty of privacy. The house I’m renting has two large living rooms, a dining room, a patio, and is walking distance to downtown Orlando. My split of the rent is $550. If I had a studio down here it would cost me $800, at least. My ex-girlfriend, who owns a 1/1 condo downtown, pays $1000 mortgage payment and another $100 for the COA.
When I bring a girl around, there’s no privacy issue. The best part is, since all the roommates are adults and have busy lifestyles, there’s rarely more than 1 person home at a time. And you know what…any date who isn’t down with a roommate can kiss my ass!!
Okay, calming down. If you look at any study of urban development, you’ll see that density is a major factor in controlling energy usage and reducing impact on the environment. It’s simply socially irresponsible to NOT share space if you’re not married.
Lance´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
Honey 22
@ Steve – I was lucky – I lived in both a 2 br. apartment with a HUGE private backyard and a 1 br. apartment walking distance from EVERYTHING for about $460/mo. It was worth not having a/c or a washer/dryer to me to develop the independence and self-awareness that could have been achieved no other way. As for you, well – if you live in the Bay area then I could get how it’s always going to be roommates unless you’ve won the lotto recently
I’m sure there are other areas where your experience is also the norm – which is probably part of the reason that I’ve never lived in those places!
@ Eathan – I went from having a roommate to living on my own to living with the BF, and both having a roommate and living with a boyfriend were unequivocally more expensive. I don’t know how you can possibly call “logic” on me. It may have been cheaper for you to have a roommate – not for me.
Everyone does what works for them, in the end, and every choice disqualifies some potential mate. You just have to decide which ones you’re okay disqualifying. I found someone who felt precisely how I did, and it worked out great!
Honey´s last blog post…Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!?
JM 23
I think in this economy everyone needs to be a little more open-minded. My brother is 44, has always lived with a roommate and has his own business. He also has a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment. He has tons of friends and women seem to like him too. So I don’t think his having a roommate has impeded his social life. I’ve met plenty of employed men in NYC who live alone in beautiful apartments and are extremely dysfunctional, so I don’t think we can judge a book by its cover.
As far as being judgmental re: someone’s unemployment status, I’ve been out of work for 9 months. I would hate to think people are looking at my status now and thinking I’m just too picky. I live in NYC and the job market is extremely competitive. I know plenty of other women in my building who are also unemployed right now. I could never pass judgment on a guy who was unemployed (talk about hypocritical) but I think when it comes to dating, we can all be a little more creative when trying to get to know someone as many of the posts above have stated. I’m hoping to be gainfully employed soon, and I would hope that if I was dating an unemployed guy, he too would be ambitious.
Honey 24
Lance – I appreciate your perspective, am glad you found something that works for you, and appreciate that the area in which you live has a LOT to do with what is financially feasible for you.
However, if I am ever single again, I will not have a roommate. But I don’t anticipate that will happen, fortunately for me
Honey´s last blog post…Get Fit and Improve Your Dating Prospects
Cilla 25
I find it amusing that being “disqualified” by some potential mates, as Honey put it, is seen as discrimination by so many people here when they are on the receiving end of it. Of course, when they practice being discerning themselves, it’s just seeking compatibility.
Sure, some wonderful guys might get weeded out by disqualifying men with roommates, but I’m certain there are some wonderful women who have 5 kids or who live 1,000 miles away or who are under 4’10″ or over 200 lbs, etc. that get weeded out when men set their criteria to exclude those groups.
Maybe we should just call it discrimination. Dating is not an equal opportunity venture. If that were the case, everyone would go out with the first slob who winked at them at a bar.
To quote Honey again, “everyone does what works for them.”
Selena 26
I’ve known several men in the last few years ages 30′s to 50′s who had roommate situations. Some of them were divorced dad’s renting out a room in their homes because child support took a big chunk of their income. Or they had a business that was faltering. Or they chose the situation so they could live near the ocean – wouldn’t have been able to afford it on their own.
A roommate situation (like having to move back in with parents) is sometimes a transitional aspect of “starting over” after a romantic (living together) relationship ends badly with negative financial repercussions. Often I think choosing a roommate situation is with the expectation it will be temporary–perhaps until the person finds a partner. And I think there are some people who choose the lifestyle because they feel lonely living by themselves.
The whole “lack of privacy” issue is valid, but it might be better in a roommate situation than one in which the person has children living at home full or part-time.
Curly Girl 27
In my view unemployment in and of itself isn’t a problem. Depends on what kind of work you do. For instance, contract workers or term employees in cyclical industries expect times of unemployment and build provisions for that into their financial/career plans. That’s a smart person.
What’s a problem is poor management of one’s finances or chronic aimlessness in one’s career. If unemployment indicates that either one of these things is in operation–well, not good.
In constrast to some other posters: Personally, I have found buying a home to be one of the best things I have ever done. I did it before I went to grad school, at a time when I knew I was going to be leaving the 9 to 5 world, perhaps forever. Meaning, last chance to get a mortgage. During my grad school days I worked in the same industry as a contractor by day, school at night, and I took out school loans with the agreement to myself that I would pay off my mortgage by the time I finished school. Didn’t quite make that, but I could write the check tomorrow, the amount left on the mortgage is so small.
My home gives me the foundation on which everything else rests–if I stopped working it wouldn’t be that big a deal to me. But it might be to a guy who doesn’t know the particulars of my financial life. I absolutely love my home, and I love having that commitment. And I love the work that made it possible; that work is ongoing whether I am “employed” or not.
Summation: If someone is pursuing life with purpose and is responsible, the hows and whys of that life aren’t too important. Whether or not you can get behind that purpose–more to the point.
JB 28
Well thank the lord I haven’t been unemployed in 20 years but that doesn’t mean the economy isn’t affecting my income or my dating budget. The business I’m in is down almost 20% YTD from the last 5 years. I’m single and have no kids and live within my means so I can survive and break even most months.Does that mean I can spend as much on dating as I did during the last 5-7 years? No !! Women don’t really know it but dating can sometimes tack on another 4 or $500.00 a month (or alot more)depending on where the couple is in the dating time frame. Some women are very attuned and very cool about it and some aren’t. One woman I talked to on the phone before I met her from Yahoo said to me (as we had been talking about the economy in general) “so would you say your income is directly affected by the current economic climate?” I said “of course it is” then she basically got off the phone quickly. (She was a teacher by the way.)What she and some women don’t understand is I (and some other men)don’t live paycheck to paycheck,I’m debt free and despite my porfolio taking a beating in the past year I have a positive 6 figure net worth. I won’t make the 75 LARGE I’ve made over the last 5 years but I’ll be fine until things pick up again.Some women think because a guy “makes BIG $$$” he has money to burn or a positive net worth. When in fact he could OWE 6 figures and be paying child support to 2 ex-wives yadda,yadda,yadda….. But hey, he makes “6 figures”…..LOL
The flip side is if a guy has NO job and NO money maybe dating shouldn’t be a top priority but obviously there’s alot of variables like age,knowledege,experience and education as well as what they do. Do they “look” for work or just “listen” for it ….LOL
sjz 29
Is this post about room mates or men who are unemployed? Seems a bit off the tangent here. I am presently unemployed but, a woman. No one who I have met seems to care. I know it is my problem and I would not make it their problem. All the men I have met still seem to have great jobs and are making great money. I still think a man who is unemployed probably is not on online dating. He has worse things to worry about.
Curly Girl 30
sjz: Yeah. Last two posts have veered off into housing discussions. Mea culpa! But I find it kinda interesting, too. You find out what’s going on in different parts of the country. Where I live you can’t rent anything for under $1400 without a roommate or buy for under $400K. So that’s why I know so many women with high salaries and independent lifestyles–employers have to pay a lot where I live, and the people who get those jobs have to be on the ball. Very competitive and very exhilirating. These factors do affect the dating decisions. If I lived in a small town in Wisconsin or in Switzerland I would have a much different view of men/dating/relationships because I would almost be forced into an encoupled situation by the social dynamics in those places. (I picked those two b/c I know something about them.) Where I live now–tons and tons of singles doing things you can’t really do anywhere else with the same degree of achievement. Different housing. Different employment. Different worlds. Different dating.
Cilla 31
@ Selena
Yeah, I agree having roommates sometimes starts out as something intended to be temporary (often the result of unemployment, which is I think why the discussion evolved here, sjz). Unfortunately, it often morphs into a more permanent situation.
And then there the guys who have always had roommates, like, for 20 years. Sorry, but in addition to the other obstacles I mentioned previously, this says “I have no intention of living in a grown-up partnership with a woman.” If that’s his choice, that’s great, because it works for him. But a guy like that who says he’s looking for a traditional long-term relationship is kidding himself and his dates.
I’ve also known guys who were doing just fine on their own financially, but had roommates, because they’re just, well, cheap. I have nothing against trying to save money for retirement, travel, hobbies, etc., but a lot of these guys nickel and dime everything in their lives. They’re wearing the same clothes they’ve had since the early 90′s. Their furniture looks like it came from the trash heap. They agonize over every purchase, making it painful to do anything together. I’m perfectly willing to split everything 50-50 with my dates and don’t expect the guy to pay, even on the first date. But when he starts saying things like, “We can’t go there–I don’t have a coupon,” or “I only go to matinee showings of movies,” I’m out.
Selena 32
Lol Cilla. I see where you are coming from. I’ve lived alone, with family, with roommates and dated guys who’ve all done the same. Never really gave it any thought until reading your and Honey’s views. Then I found myself agreeing, “Oh yeah, I guy with his own place is more of a grownup.”
Upon further reflection though, I realized with one exception, no matter what their living situation, the guys I dated always ended up hanging out at my place anyway. The exception was a fellow who had all the movie channels at a time when I had none. Hanging out at his place was a treat for me!
I’ve never dated anyone who was in a roommate situation for 20 years. If I met one I might draw the same conclusions as you.
Eathan 33
@ Cilla You are right.. you can call it disqualify or discriminate, but it’s what works. Sometimes it makes sense.. and sometimes it makes no sense at all. But if she’s got 5 kids and lives 1000 miles away.. there’s no way I’ll have to worry about dating her if I’m ever unemployed. haha
@ Lance You make a great point about being a long term renter. I thought of the same concept after I left my 1st comment, but didn’t come back to say it.
At the end of the day.. if you’re happy with your decisions, ride it til the wheels fall off.
Eathan´s last blog post…5 Father’s Day Activities
hunter 34
I have dated mature women with a different kind of roommate at home, their children. Some mature women, live in the studio/duplex, behind their parents home.
hunter 35
…..with their grown children coming and going, all the time.
hunter 36
Mostly, their is little privacy, early in the morning there is, usually someone, knocking on the door.
Diana 37
To Steve #32: You read my mind, as I have been thinking the exact same thing.
Though the Asian salon hadn’t crossed my mind ~ funny.
Michael 38
Maybe men would not be laid off at a higher rate if they did not earn much more than women do.
JB 39
Why is everyone talking about roomates? The topic is dating a bachelor who’s UNEMPLOYED. Btw 99% of the women I know have “roomates”. They’re called KIDS.
Selena 40
#39
This tangent got started because some see a difference between an unemployed person who is “managing” to get by living on his own, and someone unemployed or not who chooses a roommate situation to save on expenses.
Unemployed men may be experiencing financial difficulties to the point they choose a roommate situation. The two things are not always unrelated.
downtowngal 41
I have no problem dating a guy who’s unemployed. I’ve been there, and in this economy it’s not a stigma. What I have found, however, is that some guys put so much pressure on themselves about it that they end up being unsuitable dating partners. It’s like anything, if you’re not confident/ready to date, then don’t.
Example: I dated a guy once who was in transition. We had an amazing connection and much in common. But the close we got, the more he pushed away and complained that he had nothing to offer me. I saw he was a bright, motivated guy and told him he was wrong but couldn’t convince him, he became more distant, which made me wonder how much this guy would be able to handle tough situations long term. Friends advised me to give him his space because the job thing is a big deal to guys, so I did. And once he found a job he told me he was too busy for a relationship. then he ended up dating someone else. So much for being the ‘nonjudemental girlfriend’.
And I dated another guy who was just out of school and looking for a job, but that didn’t stop him from pursuing me. we dated for 3 years.
And my friend met her husband while he was out of work, but saw his blossoming relationship w my friend as a great diversion that ended up giving him the confidence to start his own biz.
Point is: it’s only a stigma if the guy allows it to be. Some women may be turned off, but that says more about her. And if the guy’s not ready to date, he should’t.
Steve 42
Lance #21
Honey, you’re just flatout wrong about the roommates thing. Which is wild, considering you’re such a proponent of renting I see the two as going 100% hand-in-hand.
Honey, that struck me as contradictory too for the same reasons and additionally that you are into frugal living. I can see people passing judgments on people, similar to yours about roommates, on people who out of frugality live in modest apartments. “Gee, if they are this old and can’t do better for a home, what does that say about them?”.
Also, the rents in my area, while draconian are typical and not the worst for a metropolitan area. You can’t assume other people’s situations are just like yours and not risk being wrong.
Peace
Selena 43
And on the subjects of rents: when the choice of living by yourself means living in “Cracktown”, a roommate situation in a better part of town may be much more appealing to you.
Honey 44
@ Steve, Lance – If I lived in a different city I might be forced to take a different attitude. As it is, I’ve paid $465 for a two-bedroom with a private backyard where I lived alone. My monthly share of the two-bedroom where I live with the BF is $313, and Phoenix is the fifth largest metropolitan area in the US. So obviously my conclusions (as everyone else’s are) are informed by my own experience.
Ultimately, I don’t care so much about being right or wrong on a particular issue as I do about finding the person who is right for me, including lifestyle preferences such as roommates. If I’m wrong about the general population it doesn’t bother me at all – you only need to find one person, after all – and I did.
.-= Honey´s last blog ..Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!? =-.
Honey 45
Selena – HAHAHAHA!!! That made me laugh because the week after I moved out of the two-bedroom place, they busted a meth lab on that street. Helicopters, SWAT, the whole shebang. I knew it wasn’t the *greatest* neighborhood but I never had any problems there. Though, in retrospect, the 10 cars in the front yard that didn’t run and the attack dogs in the backyard should have been a clue…
Joe 46
Er, according to the US Census Bureau, the Phoenix area is the 12th largest Metropolitan Statistical Area, whereas the DC area (where I believe Steve lives) is the 9th largest. I’ve never lived in an apartment, bu I can’t fathom a 1BR apartment in the DC area costing $313 monthly, unless it’s somewhere in Southeast.
Jennifer 47
@Joe #46 I’m in the d.c. area as well and you are correct; not even in the most poverty stricken or crime ridden areas will you find a 1 bedroom for $313 (except perhaps with section 8 but i don’t know for sure).
Steve 48
@ Honey #44
Read #46 & #47. They live in the Washington D.C. Area like I do. Single bedroom apartments start about $1000 a month in any neighborhood that is not high crime or on the periphery of the DC Metro area. Rents are similar or more expensive in Philadelphia, Baltimore, NYC.
Again, your situation is not everybody else’s situation.
Honey 49
By largest I meant most populous, not by surface area.
And my SHARE of the rent is $313.
.-= Honey´s last blog ..Get Fit and Improve Your Dating Prospects =-.
Honey 50
I also do not recall recommending anyone else adopt my philosophy. There is someone out there for everyone. All I am saying is that nothing anyone has said has changed my philosophy, though I agree it has given me a lot to think about. Which makes me happy. And grateful.
.-= Honey´s last blog ..Good News Follows Good News: Or, LinkedIn Works!? =-.
George 51
Honey is proof that women are TOTAL LIARS about them looking for “love”.
Love is not about money, roomates, looks, and $#!+ like that.
Women say that men are terrible, liars, only interested in physical beauty. Yes it’s mostly true. They conveniently not mention, however, that they are not 100% right 100% saintly.
Women look for money, trophies, status enhancers… if not they always date bad boys, rock guitarists… but love???
HAHAHAHAHAHA. The PROOF is they do NOT look for REAL LOVE.
I’ve never seen a rich man alone. All the musicians I met had girlfriends. I’ve seen great guys being tricked or ignored by women ’cause they are not hot or in fashion. Yet women still paint themselves as the victims. BS.
And if the ladies (who are about to go on the defensive since I questioned their unquestionable perfection and godliness) wonder… I’ve dated overweight women and I fell in love with a woman with 3 kids who would not consider me.
I could very well be a Mr. Mom and take the place women previously had and I’m willing, but women still expect us to pay everything and do everything.
I realized being alone is best. I haven’t found any really good women (includes the overweights, who actually still expect Brad Pitt to come into the door and take them). It’s always about them and them and gimme gimme gimme. Women feel like they are Gods and should never ever be questioned because they are always 100% right.
I do not consider myself a loser. Loser is a man who wastes money, time, and feelings on a woman incapable of knowing what love is, and that’s most of them.
Signed,
Unemployed with two degrees and honors who believed all that crap about women seeking ” honesty’ and “sincerity”.
Honey 52
George, you fall in love with someone based on their values, which are inherently reflected/demonstrated in all the actions they choose to take. Having roommates is one of those actions by which you can determine someone’s values (though, as this excellent discussion illuminates, you can’t make as many assumptions as you think you can).
For me, responsibility, self-reliance, and a healthy skepticism about getting into a situation in which someone could take you for a financial ride are the values demonstrated by living alone. Others have different arguments – no less valid given their own experiences, but not something that is going to affect my interpretation.
My boyfriend has $150K in student loan and consumer debt. We rent a tiny apartment because that’s all we can afford. I redirected my entire career for my relationship and put 15K miles on my car visiting him prior to moving in with him – spending significant amounts of time and money that he never reciprocated because he couldn’t afford to. If I were in it for money, I’d be in it with someone else. But instead, I don’t just stay, I’m blissfully happy, because we share the same values.
Steph 53
I had a relationship with a man who had only been able to get part-time work for several years before I met him, and had just gotten out of a Masters program to change his career path. I thought he was wonderful: smart, good values, good-looking and kind. I have known many people with great jobs that didn’t have any of that, so I gladly dated him, keeping our activities free or low-cost so that it didn’t become an issue.
During our several months together, he went on many interviews, but had no luck finding something. While this didn’t bother me, he went from wanting a marriage-bound relationship with me to not breaking up over email, saying that he couldn’t commit his energy to a relationship, even though I was understanding and not pressuring him.
I do think that over time, unemployment can become a serious issue that undermines whatever you might be building together.
Denise 54
#53 Steph
Sounds like this was a good guy, trying to do the best he could. Interesting thing about men that you probably have already realized. Their jobs/careers are often their mission in life, their passion (not always, but usually). Not to mention it indicates their ability to provide. When this takes a hit, their masculinity takes a hit. Obviously everyone is different and every situation is different, so I’m sure it affects men in different ways and some are able to ‘handle’ it better than others.
Although I’m sure you were very disappointed and hurt, I think he did the mature/good character thing in letting you go (although a phone call would have been nice!). You weren’t giving him ANY pressure and was very understanding, but bottom line, a relationship does take focus and energy. I’m sure he wanted to do his best in that with you, and knew he couldn’t with this career change to work out.
Finally, men generally can’t multitask like women can, especially when it’s big things like career. They tend to have to devote their attention to one thing (and a big one at that, don’t want to minimize it) before they feel like they have that handled and can relax a little to devote a part of their resources (time, attention, energy) elsewhere.
I agree with you that at the beginning of a relationship, when things are fragile already, unemployment can be a deal breaker.
Sounds like you guys left the budding relationship on good terms (which is a good reason to leave relationships in a positive way as best as possible), who knows what the future holds?
Rachel 55
A lot of guys don’t like dating women who are unemployed in my experience. I have problems finding work and have told guys I only temp and they disappear. Also most guys that I date normally expect the bill to be split and if they do happen to pay they talk about how generous they are. So from my experience a guy does not feel proud when he pays for a women.
Elise 56
I think it all depends on where the woman is in her life and what she is looking for in a man and the relationship.
For example, I am a woman with my own decent place in a very nice location. I make a very decent living. I am also open minded so I dated a man who was much younger with his own place, dated a man my age with his own place and dating a man my age with a roommate. I am finding that somehow the men with their own places exuded a sort of maturity, independence, and self-reliance.
I think if women are actively seeking for a mate (not just by happenstance), they prefer a man who is already stable with a career and basically can afford his own place very comfortably especially if the woman is already at that stage herself. I am sure for a certain number of men with roommates, they have wonderful qualities, and for me I am actually not opposed to dating them. However, it has caused problems in my relationship where my partner feels insecure and less confident no matter how I try to compliment him due to our financial difference for which the roommate at a certain age can be a symptom.
If the man makes a decent living (enough or the same as the woman) and chooses to have a roommate then we would have to ask why he wants a roommate if he can comfortably afford one. Is it that bromance factor? If that’s okay for a woman, then that’s great, although for me, I look for a partner without a sidekick. I love adventure and love a lot of sports and want my partner to have the same interests and be that partner for me.
In all, the above life cases are stating that each situation is different and it really all depends on what the woman is looking for in her relationship and her mate and what stage she is in life.