What I meant by that is that millions of women have willingly entered into passionate affairs based on their feelings alone – the breathless waiting for his call, the physical need to touch him, the giddiness he inspires when you’re together, etc – all the while, conveniently ignoring the fact that he said at the very beginning, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”
So he feels like he’s off the hook because he told you the truth at the outset, you forget that he doesn’t want to be anybody’s boyfriend because of how you feel when you’re together, and one day, when you start to wonder where things are going, he reminds you of that conversation you had in your first week where he laid down the law.
…you forget that he doesn’t want to be anybody’s boyfriend because of how you feel when you’re together.
Every woman who proceeds to date a guy who “isn’t looking for anything serious” is essentially driving over the orange cones and through the yellow tape that signify danger, and wondering why she always gets into an accident.
You ignored the warning signs, such as “I don’t want a girlfriend.” What did you expect?
This isn’t a matter of defending guys who date you even when they’re emotionally unavailable. This is merely pointing out that it happens ALL the time.
You’re Ms. Right Now, you want to be Ms. Right, but he’s not currently taking applications for that position.
Then why does he act so open? Why does he call me? Why does he treat me so well? Why does he hint at a future?
There are a couple of very reasonable answers to this question, but the primary ones are:
1) It’s in his best interests to treat you well. What possible purpose would it serve for him to be rude to you? Do you think that’s a proper way to treat somebody? Of course not. So he calls you (because he wants to see you), he sleeps with you (because he’s attracted to you), and he talks about falling in love one day (because he wants to fall in love one day.) It’s completely possible to do ALL of these things and still not want to have a serious committed relationship right this second. And that’s what you’re seeing over and over.
2) He doesn’t KNOW what he wants. You should understand this, because half the time, YOU don’t know what you want either! Do you want the exciting guy who leave you breathless? The safe guy who treats you like gold and always lets you know where you stand? Do you want wild, unattached sex? Or to date around to explore your options while you focus on yourself and your career? Confusion and ambivalence are human traits, not just male ones. He may very well feel that he’s not ready for love right now…and still legitimately be falling in love with you.
So what do you do, Mari?
You take it all in. You don’t make any rash decisions. You let him reveal himself in his actions and not just his words. You continue to be the woman that no man can leave.
And you pay attention to the signs that he’s not ready – his anxiety, where he’s at in his career, how old he is, whether his friends are happily married, what he wants in the long run. If you see too many red flags, you get out.
But if you’re happy and he’s happy, he may just be adjusting to his new reality – that he IS ready for love…with YOU. Give him a chance before you bail on him. The only way it can happen is if you let it happen, not if you pull the plug.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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