Comments on: How Long Do I Wait For A Man Before I’m Wasting My Time?

By: UnderConstruction

UnderConstruction — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 12:32:20 +0000

I have read this post several times and I do agree with it.
Simply wondering if shut him off after several months of chatting only online, when he is 10 minutes away from my work place…combined with “I am afraid that with you I could commit”,”being in love it’s not for me”,”you might be the one”, “I need to solve things with my EX”,etc..was the right decision.
I was there…kind, funny, warm,positive, playful, hoping that he will decide to take the risk.
He was making plans….but no actions…so I told him that I can no longer continue with this situation. After more than half a year, I believe it was the only sane choice, even if I probably lost any chance to build something normal.

By: Margo

Margo — Sun, 13 Feb 2011 01:07:28 +0000

“Well, last night he told me he is genuinely starting to like me, and that concerned him, because as perfect as that is, it’s not a good idea…”

Give me a break, the above comment screams mixed messages, manipulation, RED FLAG!

Mari, don’t play his game. Don’t even go there. Started looking around for a man that knows what he wants and has integrity. This guy ain’t it.

By: Margo

Margo — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 09:47:11 +0000

I usually agree with Evan, but not this time. Mari, what he said means you’re not going to be his girlfriend anytime too soon. He’s either not looking for one, or decided you’re not going to be the one. He said that to get you to change your mind and have sex with him. He wants you to think that he is uncertain so you will rack your brains to do whatever you can to bring you guys closer so that he will want that relationship. He’s hoping that you will come up with sex. That’s what he wants from you.

He’s a manipulator and a player. What he said to you is nothing more than a game to get sex. DUMP him now, or get hurt.

By: Joey

Joey — Wed, 09 Feb 2011 19:08:43 +0000

First, is she wife material, can she convince him to stop looking around and marry her? Do they share hobbies and a life together in the future? At her age, I think 3 months will be a good timeframe to determine what direction the relationship is headed in, and ask him what he thinks about the future and what he thinks about marriage in general. Don’t rush him, but 3 months would be a decent enough time to figure out the future chances of relationship survival.

By: Zann

Zann — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 20:13:09 +0000

Sorry, I’m with Gem (#10).
In my experience, this kind of “struggling out loud” from a guy signals he’s either emotionally immature or manipulative. He’s covering his butt by voicing that he’s unsure, almost as if you’ve tricked him into liking you, while at the same time flattering you in a very low-risk way. And I’ll bet he didn’t ask you to share how you’re feeling about all of it. Self-absorbed.
There’s nothing wrong with him being unsure or surprised by his feelings, but to share them out loud the way you describe signals a lack of awareness and tact.
You’re doing a great job of proceeding in a cautious, low-drama manner and taking care of yourself. There’s no need to jump ship, either. If he’ss truly interested in you, he’ll keep doing the things he’s doing right as he figures it all out. My gut feeling is that if you sit tight but continue with your life outside of him, all will be revealed & pretty quickly. If he continues to indicate that it’s all just too much for him, take him at his word, and move on. Best of luck.

By: Venus

Venus — Sun, 06 Feb 2011 16:39:03 +0000

Cool your heels a bit and give yourself (and him) some space ie don’t be so available. If he is really interested he will pursue. If not he will take it as an opportuinty to skip. Keep your options open.

By: Karl R

Karl R — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 19:19:32 +0000

jrd asked: (#19) "Why did you continue to date her?" We started dating on a cruise (we were with a large group from our dance studio). Of the available men/women in our group, neither of us was interested in any of the others ... even as a fling. During that week, we also realized that we were a lot more compatible than we would have expected. After we got back from the cruise, we continued seeing each other because the sex was good. It was the best physical relationship I'd had in years. I had considered pursuing another acquaintance upon returning, but I thought I'd be sabotaging a potential relationship with that acquaintance if I started dating her while reguarly having sex with another woman. Since I'm not in a rush to get married (I don't want kids, so there's no urgency), I decided to wait until the fling played out. Within a couple weeks, I was spending 5 or 6 nights per week at her house. As a fling, she was more interested in seeing me than most of my exclusive girlfriends had been. The only exception (who saw me that often) was my most serious relationship to that point. Similarly, I knew the other man wasn't treating her like his girlfriend. He'd call her once a month for a date. That guy made her feel special and desirable once per month. I made her feel special and desirable every single day. She was the first one to say, "I love you." At that point, I decided that I should confirm that the other guy was no longer in the picture. I paid attention to the red flags. I wasn't about to fully invest my emotions until those issues had been resolved. But I wasn't dumping her because there was a potential problem. I waited to see if it was a genuine problem.

By: Andrea

Andrea — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 17:14:05 +0000

I think Karl R.’s example is perfect.
It’s funny that people will cut and run because they want guarantees that everything will work out, but life never works that way.
I like the advice to proceed with caution, give it a decent but not ridiculous amount of time if it isn’t going anywhere (for example, you are dating someone who wants kids when you don’t, or you are dating someone who WON’T stop searching for someone else), and see what happens.
I wish everything could be painless and didn’t involve risk but nothing is like that short of perhaps taping yourself in a cardboard box and staying at home alone forever.
While it might suck that someone is somehow disappointed that he likes you so much, see what happens and then move on, because I think that many men and women have found themselves really attracted to someone that we weren’t “supposed” to like for one reason or another. So perhaps this means that in some way (which you need to see if you can get explained), you don’t fit whatever ideal he had in his head.
Isn’t that true of what a lot of people end up with? (Including the owner of this blog?) We don’t always know what we want, and more importantly, we have trouble figuring out what is best for us and what things that we want we might want to dump from the list.
So it could still have a happy ending but you’ll know in a couple of months if this is worth pursuing.
And I agree with someone from before who said not to listen to your mom…look, moms can be jaded, but more importantly, they want to protect you from being hurt. Just because someone who was “too good-looking” may have done her wrong doesn’t mean that every good-looking guy hopes to be a player for life. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face because I’ve experienced moms who encourage people to dump people who wound up working out really well (including a recently engaged friend whose mom was trying to tell her that he wasn’t moving quickly enough, even though said friend had told him to take it slow because of her own recent divorce).
At the end of the day, out of all of the reasons to dump someone, being too good-looking is pretty silly. Beauty is subjective and you should assume that someone dating you considers you to be good looking enough. (And I’d hate to have friends and family tell me that I’m too plain for the person that I’m with. Ouch, shouldn’t they be the ones telling you that you are cute?)

By: hunter

hunter — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 15:22:40 +0000

EMK came through with another good post…

By: Harriet Bond

Harriet Bond — Sat, 05 Feb 2011 12:31:32 +0000

Hmmm. Think we have all ignored these obvious red flags before and put up with vagueness because we really feel a connection with someone, and some of us have not pursued the conversations we really need because we suspect it will make them feel ‘uncomfortable’ to talk about it; but how about YOUR discomfort at NOT talking about it? You need to put yourself first, because he certainly isn’t!