How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me?

Evan Marc Katz

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Hi Evan,

I have been dating a really wonderful man for three months now, and at this point, we are spending our weekends together every week. We have an amazing, intense connection which we both acknowledge and at this point, I’m downright crazy about him, and I know he feels the same about me. When we are together, it just feels right, but we have yet to say “I love you” to each other. I’m not getting that he is ready to hear this yet, so despite my feelings, I avoid saying those three words to him. What I am getting – through his actions and emotions – is that he does indeed love me, but I am not pushing him to formally acknowledge it yet.

People in love don’t spend much time looking for love with other people.

The problem for me is this: in the past, he has fallen head over heels in love and gotten deep into relationships very quickly. Each time, it has clouded his judgment, and he got stuck in rather dysfunctional relationships, which obviously didn’t work out. He has been married once, and was in a long-term (five year) relationship with someone else. He is using this as a basis for keeping me at arm’s length emotionally, and while I understand what he is attempting to do, it is becoming increasingly frustrating for me. Our typical m.o., week after week, is that we have a wonderful, close, electric weekend together, and then nothing for most of the week. This is a very different situation for me, since the typical sign that someone is really into me is reflected in his wanting to call me / be with me fairly often.

He wants to see me each weekend, but unless I get upset about his lack of attention during the week, the time between Monday and Thursday just doesn’t seem to be a real priority for him where I’m concerned. What compounds the problem in my mind is that he is still active on two dating websites, which he says is “very limited” in usage, that he is just looking for “friends” in which he has no emotional ties to, since he’s happy and contented with me (allegedly) at this point in our relationship.

I tried to talk to him about this last weekend, keeping in mind that he is determined not to allow himself to relax and let things just happen naturally yet, even though three months is certainly not too soon to allow such feelings to happen. I expressed my issues with him not wanting to get off the sites and focus on “us” without distraction (in other words, we had the “exclusive” talk), and about his lack of interest in taking the initiative in contacting me more during the week.

Regarding being exclusive, I told him that I was off of the sites in order to focus on “us”, and hoped that he would feel the same. No answer (which told me a lot right there). He said his lack of contact was his way of “slowing himself down”, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, and wants to build a solid foundation for a lasting relationship. That is something I want as well, but his remaining active on dating web sites even supposedly looking for “friends” is very disconcerting to me, and I told him as much.

Finally, the real question here: How long should I “patiently” wait for him to stop pulling back from me? Is there a good time frame to go by not only for him to acknowledge his feelings, but for me to make a decision about whether I should stick around or not? Six months? One year? I know everyone’s different, but I just need some guidance here, since I would like to see where things go without all the constraints!

Thank you!
Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

I usually don’t run letters this long, especially when I’ve written at least seven articles in the past year that cover this specific topic (including What to Do When the Guy You’re Seeing Will Not Commit). Still, your letter was well-constructed, self aware, and worthy of response….

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3. Am I Foolish For Waiting For A Non-Committal Man To Commit?
4. How Do I Get Men Outside My Race To Commit To Me?
5. How Much Time You Should Give a Guy to Commit Before You Quit

Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.

123 Comments »Filed Under Dating, Favorites

123 Responses to “How Long Should I Wait for Him to Commit to Me?”

1. Steve 1

   Jennifer;

   Evan wrote it before and I agree based on my own experience. People who are truly interested act interested, in straight forward & obvious ways.

   If I was set on someone as girlfriend material I would certainly disable my online personal ads. I wouldn’t need to be asked and I wouldn’t use a dating site to find “buddies”. I probably wouldn’t be ready for matching grave plots after 3 months either, but I wouldn’t dodge the issue if it was brought up. I would also be making and taking week night calls, even as cranky as I get by the end of the work day.

2. Lance 2

   Agreed on all points. Despite the past, he should know pretty quickly if the girl is girlfriend material. Personally, I can have that decided in 3-4 dates, although I might not take action on it until the 6-8 weeks…my personal buffer space.

   Dude, it costs money to maintain those match and yahoo dating accounts. Give me a break. He’s looking for different/more tail. If you’re not into the weekender FWB thing, then walk.

   Here’s a thought. Re-activate your own match account and tell him you’re getting 100 emails a day from lawyers, doctors, and pilots who want to take you out. Then schedule a few dates. And go on them. That’ll suss out pretty quick what he’s up to.

3. Steve 3

   3 months may not be enough for a commitment with a capital ‘C’, but it is more than enough time for a man to know if he wants a woman as full time girlfriend and for him not to dodge a conversation about dating exclusively.

4. Lexi 4

   I have to say Evan is right. But then again, he’s always right. Off the topic, I read your article about mirroring. That is gospel. Its so simple yet so complicated. Thanks. Now, I’m spending my time with a guy who wants to spend time with me on the weekend and during the week. Mwah!

5. sara 5

   Wow. have to totally agree with Evan’s action plan.

   This situation is benefiting the guy 100% and not you. What a great situation for him. He gets the best of both worlds. He can have great steamy weekends with you and keep shopping around during the week for something better. Wish I could have though of that in my younger days!!!

   You simply choose to either put up with it or walk away. Staying with him ensures that 6 months or more into it, he will probably have met someone else that likes enough to be calling/seeing/dating during the week and he will drop you and spend his weekends with her.

   Seem to me its better to suffer through walking away and seeing what results now, rather than months down the road when you are even more attached.

6. Honey 6

   Not only do I agree with Lance, but I would also like to add that if those dates that you go on happen to fall on the weekend…so be it. Start living YOUR life again, and if he wants to be in it, he will. If he doesn’t, don’t make excuses. Make dates with guys who are willing to put their money where their mouth is (who came up with that saying, anyway? Money is ewwwyyy…).

7. JB 7

   Yeah, I agree with the other guys. If a guy is in love and wants to be exclusive ALL online profiles on dating sites get deleted not just hidden.

   Since all of us men on here know if you put your profile back up you’ll certainly have more choices and action then he’d have on 5 sites it would be an interesting way to play “chicken” and call his bluff and see what HE does.

8. Steve 8

   Lexi;
   Whose article on mirroring? Can you provide a URL?

9. m 9

   It only took me one key phrase.

   That’s one of the perqs of being a regular reader of Evan’s.

   You learn faster.

10. Li-Ann 10

    I think the key thing here was your comment “that he is just looking for friends”. I’m pretty sure that men don’t look for female friends on match websites just so that they can have a platonic friendship and talk about their day at work.

    I agree that 3 months is not a long time. However, as the other posters have pointed out, I think you usually know if you really like someone by then. I think he is just keeping you in reserve. He can have a great weekend with you, and then still be open to meet someone new if just the right person comes along on the dating site. It doesn’t hurt him at all, but it has the potential to hurt you a great deal. In the case of spending lots of months and years on relationships, women suffer the most as men prefer younger women.

    I don’t buy the friends thing at all. It’s just an excuse. Can’t he make friends at work? Male friends?

    As for saying he needs time, and he doesn’t want to move too fast – well, that is an old technique for stalling.

    Of course, if you are still in your 20s, and have time to wait around, you can wait around another 6 months and see if anything changes. I would recommend that if you are in your 30s, you don’t have a lot of time to waste. I have a funny feeling that things won’t chase much if you put 6 more months of your life into it, but I wish you the best. Good luck!

11. downtowngal 11

    ” He said his lack of contact was his way of slowing himself down, because ordinarily at this point in time, he would have had me practically moved in with him if I had come along earlier, …. ”

    Oh, pu-LEEZE!!!

    Jennifer, I was in your situation once. Met a great guy, total connection, blah blah, but he kept making excuses for keeping me at arm’s length, similar to what this guy was telling you. I knew he was going through a tough time so I gave him his space, but after 5 months of this (after he got through his tough time, which didn’t make him any more willing to commit) and hearing all my guy friends were saying ‘what are you DOING??” I moved on.

    If a guy can’t recognize a good thing he’s not worthy of you.

12. Michael Ejercito 12

    You have to move on, girl.

13. Evan Marc Katz 13

    Here ya go, Steve. You can always use the “search” function on the left side to find an article you’ve read before…

    What To Do When The Guy You’re Seeing Won’t Commit

14. Steve 14

    In response to post #13:

    Thanks Evan!

    
    It’s called mirroring.

    Basically, if you’re not sure how to act with a guy you’re seeing, just do whatever he does.
    

    This sounds really cool. I wonder if I can make it in reverse. You know, show up at a woman’s home wearing a negligee and holding a bottle of mine. Then she will mirror my behavior and show at my place

15. BeenThruTheWars 15

    I couldn’t help thinking of the other frustrated women this guy is using during the week. You know, the ones he is out having dinner with every Tuesday and Thursday nights unbeknownst to you, then going to back to their places afterwards (so he doesn’t have to go through the hassle of kicking them out of his bed on a work night)… but dammit, they can never seem to get a Friday or Saturday night date out of this guy, so they are writing letters to advice columnists and complaining to THEIR friends about this guy’s lack of commitment because he is always mysteriously busy or “has to work” on what the world acknowledges are official “date nights” for couples who are at all serious about each other.

    Also: Any guy who is still active on dating sites isn’t looking for “friends.” If you buy that one, you are being naive. Evan’s advice is spot on. Walk. Now. And don’t look back. He has already answered your question of “where is this relationship going?” with his cowardly, immature refusal to even discuss it, while continuing to accept your sexual favors. You can usually halve the time you are in a sexual relationship with someone you have bonded with to get an idea of how long it’s going to take you to get over the heartache. At this point, it’s going to take you only about a month and a half to get over this guy if you leave now. I wasted 7 YEARS of my life with a guy who wouldn’t commit; it then took me a full 3 1/2 years beyond that to get to the point where I wasn’t bitter, wasn’t hurt, wasn’t angry with him anymore, and basically never thought about him or cared what he was doing anymore. Don’t do that to yourself.

16. Rachel 16

    I think I could have lived with a lot of this scenario since 3 months is still early in a relationship, that is until reading the part about active dating profiles. Here is the thing, if you are getting to know someone as a friend and potential weighing them as more in the initial dating period, doesn’t it speak volumes that he is still out there looking to acquire other “friends” on dating sites?
    Sounds to me that he is keeping his options open in case he didn’t realize something he may find more appealing is out there and in all honesty you should be too.
    Don’t invest more of yourself then he is willing to and by all means move on if he isn’t meeting your needs. You can try and talk to him, discuss it, and explain it all you want, but if he isn’t invested to the level you feel you are all you will be doing is wasting your breath. It will fall on deaf ears because emotionally he is not there yet and judging by his actions he is never going to be there with you.
    Sorry.

17. Bev 17

    Evan was right on target. I actually was in the same situaltion and I walked when I realized it. Best decision I ever made. Keep up the good work, Evan!!!!

18. Liza James 18

    If anyone’s interested, my company is calling for submissions of reality dating experiences
    we just want stories of the good, the bad and the ugly
    feel free to check us out if you feel like sharing your journey!
    -Liza
    (we’re paying!)

19. Debra 19

    I agree that you aren’t getting what you want and that he is not ready to give that to you. It seems that he’s not sure you are the one for him since he is still looking. I can understand that he really might not want to commit to a relationship with you if you aren’t the one for him. It’s up to you to decide if you are willing to wait is spite of this lack of commitment that might never come.
    I am a woman on that man’s side of the fence right now. I have a great job, my own home (not paid for yet, though), and am a widow of two years. It probably looks like I don’t want to “commit” to the great guy I’ve met even though we like to do similar things and we are physically attracted to each other. I get tired during the week so I like to get with him when I am fresh on the weekends (and ours are “electric” as well). We talk briefly on the phone almost every night during the week, but like I said I’m tired from work or not sleeping well and I don’t want to get his hopes up that we can see each other, then have to cancel.
    More complications with my situation, we are both over 50 and he is divorced, doesn’t have a job right now, had to move in with his elderly mother, and he hasn’t told her about us so we aren’t going into his house, and I am not having him over to mine. While I enjoy his company and we both said we aren’t seeing anyone else, I don’t want to have to take care of anyone right now and I think seeing him more often would spoil things. He’s made it pretty clear that he would love to be with me at my house but I’m seeing “golddigger” flags on that. And, I’m still looking online, but I’m not pursuing anyone else online and I would let him know if things were to change in that respect. Evidently I’m not typical for a woman. Just my 2 cents worth.

20. Zann 20

    Unbelievable! I loved every single word of it, Evan….every comma, colon, and paragraph break were: Right. On. The. Money. I wish I’d had this tattooed on my brain about 30 years ago. But, as they say, better later than never. Thanks.

21. Steve 21

    Bev; Post 17.

    Did you tell the guy why you were walking? What did he say? After you left did he ever try to contact you again?

22. dadshouse 22

    Three months with you, and he’s still doing online dating? People don’t online date to meet “friends”. And he never calls or sees your during the week? You are his booty call, his friend with benefits. It’s clear you want more than that. Walk away.

23. KAREN 23

    WOW! I love this site! I am having so many questions answered. Evan, you are a prince and wise beyond your years. Like EF Hutton – when you talk, everyone listens!!

    I am learnig and growing so much from all the answers you all have given. A million thanks to you all!!

    Good Luck and much success to us all!

24. Kitty 24

    Ev,

    It’s so funny bcs as I was reading this letter, I was formulating what you’d say and I was right. Am I finally getting it?

    You’re amazing!

25. Joanna 25

    Evan you have helped me so much. I just cut off a guy I was seeing for under 3 months because he wouldn’t make the effort to spend more time with me. He would call me alot and spend hours on the phone but weeks would go by without me seeing him. He lives an hour away from me, but that shouldn’t be an excuse. What do you guys think about this situation? I wasn’t asking to see him everyday, but I didn’t want to wait weeks to see him either. My situation is the reverse and I wonder if I acted to soon?

26. Joanna 26

    I forgot to say that in my conversation with him, when I told him I wanted to spend more time with him and that I didn’t think he was very That didn’t feel very nice! interested in me; he told me that he does what he can.

27. Margaret 27

    OT
    Debra #19

    You can do better! This guy sounds like a loser.

28. Dana 28

    Excellent Advice Evan!

    I always wonder what the outcome is, we alway hear the situation and the advice, but I would love to hear what the person ultimately ends up doing (the result).

    Love reading your site!

29. Steve 29

    Joanna;

    To answer your question in post #25 I don’t think so. I live in a congest metropolitan area. An hour is considered nothing for a commute to a job, even less to go to something really special. Like most guys a new woman in my life I am excited about is special. An hour’s drive, over black ice, while it is raining? No problem….

    About post #26, after that comment of his I don’t think it matters whether he was interested or not. Based on his answer, you weren’t in a very important position in is life.

30. smartcookie 30

    Evan rocks! He hits the nail on the head EVERY time.

31. Selena 31

    Joanna,
    You posted the same questions on the thread, “Why do men act interested if they’re really not”. There are some responses there to you.

32. Michele 32

    Jennifer, in my opinion it doesn’t matter if you are in your 20′s, 40′s or 60′s. Three months is a fairly significant period of time to learn about a partner.

    I was with you in every sense of what you wrote including his former failed relationships…..hey that happens. BUT when you mentioned that he’s still active on dating sites – that’s more than a RED flag. And he allows you to know that….another even bigger RED flag.

    Yes, you like him – well, you’re crazy about him and to dismiss him will hurt. You enjoy his company (when the two of you are together) and apparently “some” connection has been made – in spite of his deficiencies.

    Personally I would give him one more diplomatic ultimatum as per Evan. Observe how he reacts. If his behaviour is positive — great. If his behaviour is indifferent — even GREATER. You will then know that it’s time to re-activate your profile and keep in mind there are a lot of fish in the sea (however inadequate that seems at this moment).

    Allow for some grieving time and consider him yet another life experience. You will be an even better person with more practical savvy about life. And I know these things from several closely related personal “relationships” or lack thereof, that parallel your present dilemma.

    Please consider letting us know what happens, Jennifer. I think you know we are forthright with interest especially since the majority seem to share the same option(s) in your case.

33. Eda 33

    Like everyone else, I think Evan’s advice was perfect as it allows you to be in control, respectful, and dignified. No matter what the outcome, you will be proud of yourself for being so classy and he’ll probably be impressed too (not that impressing him is a goal, it’s just a nifty side effect.)

    One thing I’ve learned from this type of situation is that as women we really have to listen and believe men when they tell us right from the beginning what type of relationship they are seeking. When a man says he’s been hurt and he wants to take things slow and not jump into anything too quickly, I intrepret that as he only wants something casual. He’s not ready for a serious relationship, and I think it’s ok to not want a serious relationship as long as you are honest. All too often, however, when a man tells a woman he’s not ready to be serious, but she really likes him and it seems that he really likes her, a woman will think that he might change his mind — or that she can make him change his mind, but many times he won’t. So, now, the woman is left broken-hearted and the guy is confused because he thought he made his intentions clear. It’s a lose lose for everyone.

    So if you want a boyfriend, don’t spend anytime on a man who tells you early on that he only wants something casual — especially if that man has all the qualities you want in a boyfriend. Move onto the next man who is seeking the type of relationship you are. You’ve got a much better chance of having all of your needs met because you won’t have to talk him into giving you what you want — he’s already there.

34. Selena 34

    Jennifer,
    Have you ever dated someone who was ‘crazy about you’? Even if you found you didn’t return the same feelings? What characterized that? I bet the guy wanted to see you often, no? Not just week-ends, but week days as well. And if he was busy, didn’t he call to say, “Hi, how’s your day going?” Did he invite you out often? To his home? To meet his friends? To do things with him that he might otherwise do on his own? Like running errands, meeting up at a sports bar to watch a game, making a brief appearance at an event he really didn’t want to go to, but was expected to show his face?

    When someone is really interested they make time to be with the person they are interested in, even if it’s to do things that may seem mundane. The “fun” is in simply spending time together, even if it’s hanging out together not doing a damn thing. (Great fun with the right person.) Contrast that with this guy.

    It would appear you have a guy who likes you. But he likes you *causally*. The fact he is still active on dating sites pretty much slams that point home. After 3 mos., he’s not going to suddenly fall madly in love with you because you’ve been “patient”, it’s either there or it’s not, and enough time has passed for that determination to have been made.

    Confront him if you need to hear it words, otherwise go about your life not expecting anything more from Mr. Casual than he has thus far offered. Being patient for 6 mos., a year, isn’t going to change anything. Except perhaps a feeling within yourself that you have wasted your time.

35. Andrea 35

    This reads like a letter from someone who already knows the answer and needs/wants it validated.

    I echo Evan’s advice and the replies here. It sounds that you two want different things and so it’s best to break up and move on. It could encourage him to commit. However, don’t give your hopes up- and don’t tell yourself that you aren’t giving your hopes up if you are. If reconciliation happens it happens.

    This is one of those cases of if it’s meant to be it will be. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you.

36. BeenThruTheWars 36

    Selena, re doing those “mundane things” together when someone really digs you: my husband loves telling the story of the moment he realized he had fallen in love with he. He had just asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend, about 2.5 months in. It was the week between Christmas and New Year’s and he was off of work. He wanted to buy a new toilet seat because his old wooden one had a crack in it and he was worried it would pinch my butt! (Apparently, getting his own butt pinched hadn’t been a big enough incentive to replace it prior to that.) He invited me to go to Home Depot to pick out a new toilet seat. He was going to get a plain white one, but I talked him into a clear blue one with plastic tropical fishes embedded in it. Totally kitschy and wacky. He loved it. We laughed ourselves silly picking it out. He said later… that looking around at all the couples shopping together for boring, normal household things together made him realize that “you don’t invite ‘just anyone’ to go toilet seat shopping.” That’s when it hit him — he saw us being a real couple, one that was going to last. An epiphany in the Home Depot plumbing parts section. See, that ol’ lightening can strike anywhere! P.S. When he sold his house, the toilet seat came with us to our new home. It’s currently hanging on the wall in the garage like art; when we remodel our bathroom, it undoubtedly will occupy a new place of honor.

37. Selena 37

    Great story Beenthruthewars! Yeah, I’d guess you wouln’t “invite just anyone to go toliet seat shopping”. Thanks for sharing that. And it’s true, in early dating, sometimes doing the most mundane things actually creates some of the best memories.

38. Li-Ann 38

    Selena – an excellent post about being patient. I found (in my history anyway) that through my dating years in my twenties and thirties, I thought the right thing to do was to be increasingly patient. After all that time I now realize that if he “isn’t that into you” after 6 months, it doesn’t get any better with time. I think it was because when I liked a guy, I therefore wanted to believe whatever excuse he gave me as to why he could only see me infrequently. I would wait patiently, and it didn’t get me anywhere. The guys that truly liked me were all over me with calls, visits, etc. The guys that were stringing me along frequently did give me the speech that they “wanted to take it slow”, but I didn’t listen. My fault there. “Wants to take it slow” always translated to the eventual speech (or slow fade) where he would tell me he’s met someone else, or I’d never here from him again as the absences grew longer and longer.

    With all the technology out there to keep in touch, it is harder to explain that you are too busy to make contact. I’m sure you don’t expect an hour long phone call, just a quick hello. Nobody is too busy to do something they want and that gives them pleasure.

39. Joanna 39

    Thanks guys! After reading all of the comments, I know I did the right thing by letting go of a guy that couldn’t make time for me. Why does it feel so wrong?? In the bback of my mind, I wonder if he misses the friendship we had or me?

40. cinnamon 40

    Joanna,
    I’m compelled to quote something I’ve read recently:
    “In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry. (…) Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work? We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.”
    This basically sums up the wise advice that I received years ago when I was staying in a “should I stay or should I go” situation too long. If you feel you’re doing all the work in a relationship, in a couple of months you’ll start to feel “tired, worn out, needy, and angry” and this will for sure not help to build a healthy relationship with your guy.
    BTW, I believe this is gender-neutral.

41. Joanna 41

    Thank you Cinnamon! That is so true. Letting go is the hard part and finding someone new seems even harder!

42. Li-Ann 42

    Joanna, you wrote “…I wonder if he misses the friendship we had or me?”

    That really resonates because I went through those emotions so many times in the past . I would think I had something special with a man. I would convince myself that he must find something unique and special with me, and that he needed this. I would delude myself once he left that one day he’d miss me and come back. However, in so many cases I would just get the “you are really special…but I need to see other people”, or “I’m not ready” speech.

    Sometimes another person just isn’t seeing things the way you are. They may really enjoy your company, so it may look that way to you. You have to remember that you can only know what is going on in your head, but you have no idea what he is really thinking.

    As I mentioned, I had my hopes that men from the past would return to me because of something that was unique to our relationship – that they’d miss me. It didn’t happen. I’m not the only woman out there. Lots of other women can be just as interesting, fun to be with. You might think he’s the only one, but he might find you, and a whole lot of other women looking interesting to him. If a man doesn’t want to settle down yet, there is a good chance he has his reasons, or that he wants to be open to other possibilities, just in case. It is sad, and I’ve been there, but I wouldn’t hold out hope.

    He may call again. Sometimes the guys that tell you they need to see other people do return after a while, often because they’ve had trouble finding someone. I had to decide that I wouldn’t accept that – why should I be the last choice after all other options are exhausted? When they return there is a good chance they’ll soon go back to pushing you to the sidelines. The old patterns will re-appear. Don’t get fooled if he calls again after your break up, unless you see some really significant changes.

43. Lindsey 43

    Thanks for the post! I am glad to know that I am not alone in this kind of situation.

    I am dating a guy for 6 months now. I really like him. He is a workaholic and he put his job in front of everything. I only see him like once per week which I don’t really mind because I know job is his priority. When we were dating for 3 months, he told me he liked me but he didn’t fall for me. He told me normally he fall for someone pretty fast. I told him it may take time because I didn’t fall for him at that time as well. Therefore we continue dating.
    Now, 6 months later, I don’t see any improvement. He still calls me almost every day but normally we only talk for 5 minutes because he is tired after work. He only gets one day off per week. In the past 2 months, he told me he works too much and all he wants to do on his day off is stay home and play video game or watch movie. Therefore, normally we just hang out at his home and watch movie. He will go out with me only if I ask him to. He doesn’t make plan and ask me to do stuff outside of his apartment anymore.

    Yesterday, he told me he is going to Italy this summer for vacation but he didn’t invite me to go with him, even I mentioned to him before that Italy is one of the countries I want to visit. He also told me some of his future plans; however, I am not included in his plans. It makes me think he may never fall for me.

    Both of us are in our late twenties. He always tell me how much he likes to live by himself and how much he enjoy his alone time at home. At this point of my life, I feel like I want a family but he doesn’t seem like he wants to settle down, at least not with me.

    Is 6 months long enough or should I give him a little bit more time? I don’t want to misjudge him and regret in the future.

44. Selena 44

    Linsey,
    You have been dating a man who is content just to see you casually. He told you after 3 mos. he hadn’t fallen for you and another 3 mos. hasn’t changed that. In fact, it would appear he’s made even less effort to “date” you than before. Not taking you on vaction with him? Seems rather obvious he does not consider you his girlfriend.

    You don’t need to give him any more time. Move on to someone who really IS interested in you and leave this guy to his video games.

45. Lindsey 45

    Thanks, Selena!

    I broke up with him today. This week is a slow week for him. I suggested to go to a Jazz club tonight, which used to be one of the activities we both like to do. However, he made it clearly to me that he doesn’t want to hang out with me during the week. He will only see me during the weekend. He told me if I want more, I should look for someone else. Therefore I told him I am done with him.

    I am heart broken now, however, I am not going to look back. I don’t need someone who doesn’t care about me in my life.

46. Selena 46

    I’m sorry you are hurting Lindsey, I hope you start feeling better very soon. But you are quite right that you don’t need someone who doesn’t care about you in your life. And it’s actually a good thing this guy was honest enough to tell you if you wanted more you should look for someone else. Think about how much more time you would have wasted had you gone through with “giving him more time”. I suspect you would have been even more disappointed than you are right now. 6 mos. was indeed enough.

47. Lindsey 47

    Thanks Selena, you were right. I actually did thank him for being honest with me. Actually I saw the red flags 3 months ago, however, I kept thinking maybe I was just being too sensitive, he was just too busy at work. Now at least I won’t have to make any more guesses, kind of a relief actually.

    I am sure I will feel better eventually. Time heals everything.

48. Tara 48

    I’d be interested in what Jennifer ended-up deciding…

49. Rachel 49

    EMANCIPATE YOURSELF, LADY. Hey, if one of your girlfriends told you about the same kind of situation, what would you be telling her? Give yourself the same advice. Of course, it’s easier when you can step back and take an objective stance. But look at what everyone is saying here. Why are you giving away your power and letting him call the shots? This guy is clearly a loser, and you can do better.

50. Jennifer 50

    Hi Evan,

    I have to say that you were spot on with your advice to me, which I can clearly see now, and I should have ‘walked’ at that time. Unfortunately, when I got your advice on the blog, I was still delusional, thinking that things would eventually ‘change’ and he would see what an ‘idiot’ HE was being…all the cliche’d ‘answers’ that, if one of my friends were telling me this, I would be all over her to ‘dump the dude!’

    Unfortunately, the idiot was ME, and why I didn’t take your prescription for handling my situation right away is still beyond me. Five more months passed, along with the requisite frustration, and then I finally got it. It hit me like a bolt of lightning, and I told him to get lost. It felt VERY freeing to finally kick him to the curb…I just wished I would have ‘gotten it’ months ago!

    So..Thank You Evan! I just wanted you to know that your great advice – even through the haze of dating this guy – stuck in the back of my mind and probably saved me a lot more heartache and time in a losing situation.

    Jennifer

51. Been There 2 51

    I was in the same exact boat a month ago. I had been with my boyfriend for exactly the same amount of time (3 months), but he wouldn’t call me and was still advertising on a dating site. Exact same scenerio.

    I really hate to say this, but I don’t think he’s the guy for you. I didn’t want to think this true and tried as hard as I could to hold on, but in the end he wasn’t ready for a committment. He wanted me…but he, just as you stated your man said, wanted to still have “friends” on these dating sites. Let’s be real, nobody is looking for “friends” on dating sites. If he wanted friends he’d either find them in real life or if he was that desperate he’d join a forum based on an interest of his.

    All I know is I don’t want you to go down the same path I did and be hurt the way I felt. In the end, he told me he wanted to be open which I interpreted as I’m the main girl…and he can sleep with other girls on the side. Not ok.

    Literally a month after our break up, I found another guy who cares abuout me and is willing to make an effort to call, see me as often as possible, and work on us instead of “him”. It’s so much better this way and much less stressful. I hope you find the same as me. A guy who is ready and willing will not be thinking of other girls period and this issue will not come up.

52. attractologydatingadvice 52

    Your advice is spot on. I’m interested in seeing what Jennifer decided
    .-= attractologydatingadvices last blog ….Too Much Tongue? =-.

53. Lost 53

    I met this guy. Instant chemistry. We slept together first date. Slept together every time we saw each other. We see each other like every three days on average cause he likes his space(We talk almost every day). After a month. He said he wanted me to ask him to move in with me. I didnt of course. He explained to me he thought i wanted him as a homey,lover,friend and i told him this was not true. After a week he told me he think he might have approached me the wrong way or something. We started hanging out more and he cut off the sex. I can tell he is still attracted to me even with my slight advances. He will not sleep with me. He found a way to meet the kids(didnt want to in the beginning); asked for a toothbrush for when he stays the night; among other things. He shows signs of being interested….I can’t get him to sleep with me and its been over 3wks……… im so confused..

54. Tia 54

    red flags everywhere, run the other way, he’s wonderful but he’s on dating sites. im sure deep down she know’s hes full of it.

55. Been There As Well 55

    I had to find and re-read this letter and Evan’s advice today after going through a similar situation in my own life. The guy is older, single father, and said that he has rushed into relationships into the past and that is why he has to “slow things down” a bit. To him, this means not calling me during the week after fantastic weekends together, and continuing to talk and go out with other women. Evan’s advice is spot on.

56. Selena 56

    @#55

    I bet there’s another woman out there writing somewhere how her guy is “slowing things down a bit” by not seeing her on the weekends.

57. Brenda Lee 57

    Greetings One and All:
    I actually used the ultimatum on Thursday, July 8th.  By Monday, July 12th, he was apologizing for his bad behavior.  Its not that he was dating anyone else, he just didnt know how I felt.  Seems that he and I had our wires crossed.  And because of it, we are talking way more than we ever had and in the past two days, we are totally excited about being each others sweety.
    Thanks Evans!!!

58. starthrower68 58

    Brenda Lee,

    I’d be willing to bet your situation is the exception rather than the rule.  But good for you for having the courage to stand up for what you wantg and say no to what you don’t want.

59. Evan Marc Katz 59

    That’s not the point, Starthrower. Having the talk isn’t about getting him to step up and commit; it’s to end the cycle of insecurity and get clarity on your relationship, instead of suffering silently. Even if he said he was letting her go, the conversation had it’s intended effect.

60. Brenda Lee 60

    Thanks Evan.  The talk was to get what I wanted, clarification on the status of us.  It’s fifteen days later and we are still feeling good about us as a couple and still working on us as a couple.  It’s very sweet actually.  My reason for showing up was to share the article with a friend.  She has been seeing a guy, long distance, for four months. He claims his past marriages make him slow to commit.  I have given no advice, well except to send her this article and the choice.
    Again, Thanks Evan!!!

61. StillBelieve 61

    Just like Jennifer’s story, I am in almost exact the same place today… I fall for him since our first date… a little over two month now, I am sitting here feeling sad and miserable, confused about what’s next? I sense something is not right for the the time being, maybe I am just naive, I still believe if a man cares for me he would want to spend as much time as he can with me… but, should I confront or give him more time?.  After spending hours of reading and through all 60 comments from all of you, I found the answer I need… Just want to say THANK YOU ALL! It’s time for me to give the “ultimatum” and let him know what I need, perhaps walk away with my head up high is the lesson to learn in life.   Thanks Evan, Thanks All!
     
     

62. shaz 62

    I’m in the exact position as jennifer,i’m seeing this guy who i met on a dating site.We talked everyday  for 2 months as friends never dreaming we’d meet as he didnt seem my type.He told me of his past relationships and how bad they were,all longterm that ended badly,and i told him mine.Fed up with countless crappy dates i told him one day i was leaving the site and he suggested meeting for coffee maybe,he and i wanted to keep the friendship going.We swapped phone numbers and a few weeks later we met at a coffee shop.Niether bargained on fancying each other but we had an instant attraction,just like Jennifer and her man but i’m now in her position.I usually make plans and he goes along with it but unlike her fella mine txt’s me alot everyday…still very confusing and hes a commitment phobe too,using his past to keep me at arms length.I was going to post this to evan but after reading his answer to jennifer i know now what to do so thankyou.
    p.s
    im in love with this man and it hurts me too that he’s still using the dating site,a friend of mine says hes on everyday so even though i knew the answer myself its good to have clarification!!

63. aussiecountrygirl 63

    My mantra is be a “walker” not a “stalker” – don’t torment yourself checking websites to see if he is still active – the first one you saw was sufficient – if he can’t come up with a really, really good reason for that and only wanting a weekend relationship then it is time to walk.

    I recently walked from a relationship with a bloke that I’ve known nearly 20 years and had always thought we were friends. He’d passively “wanted” me for a long time and earlier this year we started a relationship. I soon realised that “friends” is a subjective term and that I should remember that it means different things to each of us although I believe the commonalities are a given. He “measured” his contact with me, never called more than twice a week, due to distance we spent weekends together when we could and after each he would cool his contact for a while and then gradually build up again. Wouldn’t discuss “us” in any context and just smiled and went quiet. After 6 weeks of it I decided to walk – it was not fun or healthy and I was out of there.

    He now has all the distance he desires from me … and I’m happy again.

    Walk girl, run if you have to!

64. Selena 64

    aussiecountrygirl,

    I really like your mantra: “Be a walker, not a stalker.” That’s great!

65. fearstheloss 65

    its very good thing ive stumbled upon this article and site, since my situation i think is somehow similar to selena, it made me think upon my relationship too.
    ive been seeing a guy for about 3 months now, and we both have agreed to give the relationship a try. simillar to most of the girls, we just usually see each other during the weekends due to work and distance, we do communicate from time to time during the week. my worries are he dont seem to be too keen to see me, i’m the one who ask him out if we could be together. he also uses an excuse of not used to seeing someone often, and is used to having his alone time. he got a 2 week off and i was free for the day and i ask to see him, but then he says he would rather spent it with himself, likely with his mates too, since he just spent the weekend with me and next week he’d be spending it all with me. we met in a dating site, and he still has his up as well, and uses the excuse that he had some friends there too. i dont want to be too clingy or needy but this worries gives me doubt to the relationship. so i guess, i would try and talk it out and see where it goes.

66. aussiecountrygirl 66

    feartheloss

    Have the talk but be prepared to walk if he doesn’t change his tune. Better to be honest than make up excuses and he’s holding you up from finding either the man of your dreams or a really great new friend.

67. Catharine 67

    I wish that I had read the response from Evan 2 years ago.  I was involved with an “asshole”, not once, twice but three times.  I fell for the I love you and all the junk and he still treated me like garbage.  Life is too short to waste it on people who are unwilling or unable to be truthful and treat you well.  Don’t waste any more time!

68. Vanessa 68

    Finally! This topic has cleared up so much for me. Although the fear of denial plays a big part in why it is so hard to be tough and walk away, unsure of if he will follow. After putting so much time and effort along with serious feelings and a romantic chemistry it would be a blow to our ego and our emotions to find out all we are is a weekend booty call. But its definitely better to find out sooner than later!!!
    Thanks, for posting this article.
    It has made me see clearer!

69. feartheloss 69

    thanks aussiecountrygirl i had the talk with him, and he stick to the not being able to see each other as much due to distance. but eventually, after discussing that we might just have to go our seperate ways, he cried and expresses that its something he wishes not to happen. he had brought his dating site profile down and the holiday was fun. he still have some of the annoying attitude to the relationship, but i guess, were still working it out. better to look for some of evans advices on other issues.

70. Lis 70

    I can so relate to many of these postings. I met a fabulous man. 15 years older. A great deal in common and were in similar businesses. He comes on very strong the first couple of dates and then he started pushing me away. We talked about it openiy. He told me he wanted to take things slow and that he is still isnt over his ex (broke up over 2 years ago). After going through a roller coaster of emotions I become determined to really lay it on the line. Which was hard becasue I turn to mush when I am around him. Yes Yes I know..no comments needed. So I sit him down and tell him. He responds by saying he wants me to be his girlfriend, but he wants things to go very very slow. Nothing pysical has happened between us. However, I notice that he keeps affection at min. He has said to me that I scare him. Ok we have gone out and doen business together for 4 months….. alittle reassurance is to mych to ask for? Something that let’s a woman know…your mine and I care for you.

71. Selena 71

    Lis,
    You need to ask yourself why you are bothering at all with someone who keeps affection at the minimum.  If it’s like this in the beginning it will NEVER improve. Let this one go. Please.

72. Dean Kaplan 72

    @Lis #70
    That’s pretty weird.  As I read your comment, I swore you guys were having sex.  For him to say that and he’s not even getting any sex out of it…  No offense, but are you sure he isn’t gay?

73. Brenda Lee 73

    Hi Evan

    Just an update to my previous post:  Since July and the ultimatum, things have gone from good to great.  I knew I loved him but gave him some room to deal with his feelings.  One night while on the phone, he said thats one of the reasons I love you.  I jokingly said just one?  to which he responded babe, I love you and I love everything about you.  But what was best?  He didnt miss a beat.  He didnt stop and ask me did I hear him or did I love him back he just went back to talking about what he loved about me.

    I am not a fan of ultimatums either but for your own sanity, take a deep breath, memorize the line and walk.  You want the best, dont ya?  Then stand up for it by demanding it.  We teach others how to treat us.  So if you feel you are being treated well, then you are a most gifted teacher!!!!

74. Richard 74

    Neat, Evan, neat.
    Once I worked out that women in LA and other big cities in this country do this arse-covering too, (and I was brought up in a country and an environment where thy didn’t, so that took a wrench!) , I learned to avoid those sorts. But it’s tough.
    It’s tough because most people with all the availability around find temptations to be like this, so even good people can be on a selfish-stupid path like the guy herel And not know it.
    There needs to be some emotional ed for otherwise decent people to show them what they’re doing tol themselves and others!

75. Susanne 75

    Ugh!  I can so relate to this.  Thank you Evan for your tough love honesty.

76. Ames 76

    Thank you! I bought WHD and have read and reread your blog. I’m a realist and your material is helping me so much!

77. Shayla 77

    Not sure how long ago this was posted. Just found this site today. love it btw!
    As long as he is not calling or making contact during the week and he still has his profile up on dating sites, you know where you stand. You are an option, nothing more. He’s still looking around for someone to make his woman and when he finds her you are gone. You can make an excuse for anything else, hurt in the past, wanting to be sure, blah blah. A man doesn’t take that long to make up his mind on whether he wants you or not and he will make it clear.
    You are much better than that Jennifer so you do not wait around at all. He does not want you and he doesn’t deserve you quite frankly. Tell him to go kick rocks and mean it.

78. Lorainne 78

    The sad truth is that if you don’t take action, he will most certainly leave you.  As much as you hope for things to change and improve, there’s almost no chance once this sort of pattern is established. You are where he wants you. You are now in a holding pattern pending his eventual exit, and probably sooner rather than later.  Either way, this is a heartbreak waiting to happen.  I speak from personal experience; settling for a relationship that serves his convenience doesn’t work, and it just goes from bad to worse.  The sooner you leave him, the sooner you will start to heal and be available to find someone capable of a healthy relationship.

79. Annette 79

    Love the advice Evan and will keep that exit line in my back pocket.  I also found this comment from #78 interesting….
    “You are now in a holding pattern pending his eventual exit, and probably sooner rather than later”
    Or on the flip side is he behaving ‘badly’ so she will leave him.  Much less messy for him and way less effort.  Sounds like a guy thing to do. 

80. Danielle 80

    After reading this website couple of days ago, thank you Evan. I finally walked away from my long distance relationshp after a year. We live a hour away from each other. He would not commit to me and I really like the guy. From the begining It was great between. He never introduced me to his friends or his family.

    I am hurting, angry and upset with myself right now, because I waited over a year or so for him to commit to me. He wouldn’t make the effort to spend time with me and always making up excuses he cannot meet up. He only wanted me as a fuck buddy, I realised after reading this. I needed to move on and let him go. Basically I gave him a ultimatum he replied was “Ok, Good Bye” That was 2 days ago and haven’t heard from him since. I am heartbroken.

81. claire 81

    Have just read this today ,im in the same situation he finally is off the dating site,
    but i still dont trust him!! I feel he will always be looking makes me feel very insecure and unwanted.. he now tells me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me ..after 6 months!! but feel so hurt ..i love him but deep down i know im not getting my needs met and think the very fact he carried on on these sites show like you say im not his first priority and probally never will be …we have been to gether nearly 11 months and know deep down i need to move on!! 

82. mandy 82

    hey ,i totally understand,iv also been dating this guy for 1 month and 2weeks.and he claims to like me alot,bt i just dont get why he is still on dating site like every day,i didnt need a pastor to reveal to me he was seeing other girls so i reactivated my acct which i closed after i met him,and got sme guys contact and am kinda talking to him nw,,i tld the first guy i was dating that i decieded to see other pple since hes doing same and since he said it takes him 5 months to commit,and he was completely ok with that,and am like wtf,this is so wrong and it shws he doesnt really care or hv alittle jealousy.that turned me off
    although i like him alot ,i cant wait for 5months neither wld i date multiple guys ,i deserve better and i want a guy who is completely satisfied with me and i dnt mind waiting until i find him.   GUYS UGGGGGGGGH

83. Elle 83

    Evan,
    All I can say is WOW!  Where were you when I needed you right after my divorce several years ago?  You are so right on target with this, it is amazing.  What I have learned is that when someone wants to be with you this crazy tug of war doesn’t exist.  It is just easy.  Being authentic comes naturally, no games are played. And you don’t waste endless hours worrying about everything.  While relationships take work to last, it is an even give and take.  Not one side doing all the taking!
    I love the mirror concept.  It makes it easy to know how to respond.  Simply put…easy “rules” to follow.
    Keep on making a difference in our dating lives!  THANK YOU!

84. Hbs38 84

    I just re-read this blog for the third time over the last month. I copied the ultimatum down and plan to give it within the next week (he’s out of town for a few days). My situation is that we’ve been seeing eachother for 3 1/2 months, with a 2 week break at about 6 weeks (I had a needy drunken meltdown and freaked him out). Initially we had both taken down our dating profiles immediately, but during the break he put his back up. After the break we’ve been back to normal, which is seeing eachother 2-3 times per week and talking at least for a few minutes everyday. We also just got back from a great 5 day vacation, with lots of hints at the future mentioned, even marriage which shocked me…Great right? But I went online today to check his profile, because i told myself after the trip it better be down, and saw his pof profile is still up (you don’t have to be a member to seach). To make matters worse, he was online today. My heart is broken…I am in love with him (though neither has expressed it)…but I respect myself enough to know I will not sit around waiting to see if he’ll find the “next best thing,” or “settle” on me. By the way, he’s 40, never been married (I know, first red flag), and I’m divorced after a 19 year relationship. I will keep you all posted on how things go. I really hate this dating crap

85. DENA 85

    I am in the same boat, went through all the bullshit and to think im moving forward … it was just the wind blowing threw my hair when i looked back to see myself still standing there in deep thought second guessing myself on just the time thats passing me bye , Waiting on this guy….
    ive been with this guy for 6 years and let me tell u,… in any other relationship before this, the shit that he has done or said or have treated,… he wouldve been toast…. but i take it, and i deal with it and i cant figure it out to save my little cotten socks…

    but just as u described… thats how it was for me to…. i later learned that i wasnt the only one that he was involved with…..if u continue this before its to late your going to go through what im going through and let me say this only once…..WHEN SOMEONE PLAYS GAMES WITH SOMEONES HEAD AND MIND AND MOSTLY THEIR HEART….. AND TO THINK ITS FUNNY AND LAUGH ABOUT THEM IN THEIR FACE, OVER HEAR YOUR CONVERSATIONS AND TO BE CONFRONTED TO ONLY GET LIED TO TO MAKE YOU THINK UR HEARING THINGS OR YOUR CRAZY ITS “ALL IN  YOUR HEAD BULLSHIT” CRAP,DONT THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT THE PERSON YOUR DOING THIS TOO, MAY TAKE IT TO ANOTHER LEVEL….
    CAUSE IN A COUPLE DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIPS HAVE ALMOST TAKE’N ME TO THAT LEVEL… “6 FEET UNDER”…..

    THE ONLY REASON WHY HE WILL ONLY SEE YOU A COUPLE TIMES A WEEK IS BECAUSE HES WITH SOMEONE ELSE. YOUR NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ON HIS LIST….AND YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS…. but its gonna get worse if u stay…. dont be stupid like me. learn from me…. trust what im saying… pay attention to EVERYTHING , times, dates, phone numbers everything as far even conversations with u and him and friends u both keep…. ull definitly catch him… if he hass a cell phone look at the text messages…. send them to ur phone and dont tell him anything unless u have enough evidence to fry him on… cause little bye little wont cut it…. be on top of ur game and TRUST NO ONE cause everyone is fucking ur man and ur eating all ur friends and everyone elses pussy too. (keep that in mind) yuk! sorry to be so blunt,… cant help it, better to just say as i see it….and more then likely he doesnt wear a condom either cause “who wears condoms with their wife or girlfriends”? hmmmmm? take my advice and leave him. hes a liar and a cheat!! 

86. Ladybug 86

    Debra #19

    Eerily seems like we have the same man, your name being that of his exGF who he was going to try to get back together with last spring (but didn’t) and moving in with his elderly mother last December.  I don’t get weekends, being led to believe he is doing family stuff.  Since his mother hates my guts and I don’t put up with her hagnasty, he is protecting both of us from her whack attacks.   I don’t have him to my home during the week, either, and we don’t have sex.   Unless you are one of the super rich, you wouldn’t consider the guy a golddigger, though.   Weird.  I guess these same patterns are repeated everywhere. 

    I have no idea how old these posts are……

    As far as timelines for commitments, there are far too many variables applying to individuals, their personhood, and situations for there to be rules.

    3 months?  My man and I were just standing close enough and touching at 3 months.  His mother roared up in her Buick and wantd to know what he was doing in there.  She saw my truck.  “Just talking, Mom.”   I roared with laughter, TEENAGE FLASHBACK!  We kissed a week later and I fainted.

    We’ve been seeing each other for 10 months and it was wow at first sight for both of us.  We met through business.  We still have a business arrangement that needs to be preserved.  That was a very dark time in both our lives, both of us beginning recovery from life changing losses and traumas.   More valid reasons to slow the Love Train down!  Nothing good comes from being two astroids hurtling through space on a collison course!

    He and I have taken breaks from each other for unfinished business of past relationships.   We both had exes who wanted to get back together.   I made it clear to him I do see other men because they are friendships, but he would remain the only one I make out with and I’m not having sex with anyone. In a small town it’s easy to know everyone’s business.   We’ve had misunderstandings, we get confused, we work it through, we communicate.   

    In the time we have between him running 3 businesses, being the sole carpenter and general contractor rebuilding his lovely home and putting up with his unreasonable mother, I see him striving to correct relationship mistakes of his past, struggling with emotional intimacy with me without hiding afterward.  I see his pain and insecurities.  He sees my vulnerability.   He knows when he screws up and he apologizes and corrects himself.   I do the same for him.  He is genuinely remorseful when something he does causes me to feel bad and we discuss needs and solutions.

    I do not behave the way typical women and girlfriends behave.  I refused to initiate The Talk About the Relationship.   When he brought it up, HE didn’t know where it was going.  I said let it be here and now instead of trying to time warp.   When he gets too grumpy,  I give him a kiss and tell him I’m sorry he’s having a bad day and I leave.   I’ll show up in a couple of days or week when he’s relaxing after work with a pie.  He lights up surpised like I’m not angry and yelling or that I bother to show up at all! 
    I get hugs and kisses, physical and emotional intimacy, validation, good conversation.  The man SHOWS me love in his face and his posture, the things he does for me and the respect he has for me.  He doesn’t SAY the words…yet.

    So it’s been 10 months without commitment.   I haven’t asked for one.  I did tell him recently I hoped to someday have a real relationship with him.  That led to another level of vulnerability and disclosure of thoughts and feelings, it was good.   I see this shy man making an effort at relationship skills and emotional intimacy with me.  He’s a man I’ve spent hours with talking and enjoying it.  I feel with as much as this adorable man has going on right now, as long as there’s growth, I can wait until his house is finished, he’s home again and he’s not distracted and driven crazy by building inspectors, blueprint errors, subcontractors, wrong lumber orders and his hagnasty mother.

    We haven’t had sex yet.    Wasn’t there a timeline rule for that too?  3 dates, 10 dates or after we’re married!??! 

    Meanwhile I still have a life of my own that includes lots of men.

87. Michelle 87

    As a woman you have to be clear what it is  you want.   If you don’t specify then don’t expect a commitment.   I would discuss your feelings after three months and tell him that you are at a stage in the relationship where you have deeper feelings.  If he does not repsond and is on match sites he is not interested in a long term relationship.  My opinion is to tell him how you feel, be clear, concise, and emotionless.  Don’t cry, don’t get mad, just be matter of fact.  If he says “I just want a friendship” then you need to either decide to wait it out or move on.  There are so many men  who do want a relaionship one guy is not worth so much energy.   You had sex with this guy too early and now you have the PEA punch in love.   I suggest you stop having sex with him until you get the desired response and if you don’t, move on…..

88. Chiquituno 88

    “If he follows, he’s your boyfriend”. Probably not. He’ll just follow you out of selfishness and will continue to use you. Keeping you as an option. You’ve expressed your needs. He can’t meet them. He’ll continue with his same MO. If he follows you with a different one, one that fits your needs, then maybe, just maybe, he’ll be your boyfriend if you can truly communicate and make progress around those pink or red flags. Personally, I’d walk, mourn and move on.

89. Rebecca 89

    Lust is lust. Infatuation is not love. You are infatuated b/c you are uncertain. Love takes time. Relationships take years. Love doesn’t happen in three months. 
    Do what you feel will make you happy in the end.  

90. Yellow Hammer 90

    I appreciate the amazing post

91. bratzygal 91

    What an amazing post to stumble across. I was trying to workout if I was going to overreact about my BF of 3 months still having an active online dating profile. We have been seeing each other for 3 months, ringing and emailing every second night and seeing each other every two weeks for a few nights (we live five hours apart). We had “the talk” more then two weeks ago where we stand with loyalty and that we are in a relationship & he had said that he was going to close his profile. He rings me yesterday afternoon and says that he received an email from a lady who lives half an hour away from him and she like hunting too and would it bother me if he emailed her back and said they could be friends? I asked if he was serious, his profile still said he was looking for “dating & relationship” & that he had said he would close it. He said that I was just being jealous & there is no difference to walking up the street and a random person stops you in the street and says, hey nice dogs, let go pighunting and you strike up a friendship. I told him the difference is that he is initiating new female friendships from a dating site and that is disrespectful to me. I am all for him having friends but not like that, the intentions are not exactly pure are they. Anyway, after much thought, I decided I didn’t like the way that made me feel and he has since updated his profile today telling people how to contact him on facebook and that he open to their communication. So….I have walked. Even though I am heartbroken, I feel good about my decision and standing up for myself and what I won’t put up with in a relationship. How could I ever trust him now, his integrity has taken a battering. Plenty more fish in the sea I guess. Thanks everyone for the advice, it really helped. 

92. DMC 92

    The only part I agree with Evan on is the dating site thing – that is definitely a red flag.  If he was serious, he would cut that off.

    I don’t think the arms-length thing is a bad excuse at all.  You are basically assuming he is lying and don’t really offer him any way to prove your accusation wrong.  It’s sort of like when someone says “if you disagree with me, you are an idiot!”.  If they don’t disagree, you win, and if they do, well they just walked right into your point!

    Also the weekend girlfriend thing I see as a good sign.  How do you know he isn’t busy with work and such during the week?  If he was really looking to play the field, he likely wouldn’t be tying up his prime free time (weekends) with one woman.  Now if he was making time for you/steady loving on Tues and Thursday only, THEN I could see a problem.

    Pushing for a conversation he isn’t ready to have is no different than the pressure a man puts on you to have sex when you aren’t ready. 

93. Jessie 93

    Wow! I was in the same boat up until two days ago. I met a guy on a dating site. It seemed like we had a lot in common. Said he had dated girls in the past that had kids and one girl that had no job for 3 years. I have everything together. Been seeing him for seven months. I finally just lost it on him. He only has three days off a week and we always hung out on two of the three days. He was constantly still on the dating site. I badgered him so much about it that he finally hid his profile or maybe he cancelled his membership. We got into it in a text message argument because he just said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I explained I am in my thirties and I was looking to get married and have kids so I asked that he not waste my time. It just made me mad that he complained about about all the other people he went out with and he was still fishing around. He said because he “paid” for it. Which I thought was ridiculous. After our argument, the next day he was back on the dating site and even put something on Facebook that said he was single even though he never even put on there he was in a relationship anyway. I deactivated my page and he thought I deleted him. When he saw I was on chat he deleted it immediately. This guy is 30 years old. Talk about immature. I just never knew this type existed. There are the players and you can tell but it’s hard to figure it out when someone is constantly taking you on dates, you assume they like you, just to find out later, they have their own selfish intentions. Well, Karma is a bitch. They can keep going on these dating sites fishing around for Ms. Perfect. Good luck to them. The funny thing is I was kind of trapped because I told him I went on some dates on the dating site and he said I was shady. Really? You’re not ready for a relationship, but I can’t go on dates with other guys? What kind of crap is that?

94. NonExist 94

    Regarding Jennifer, I totally agree with Evan.
    She should most definitely get rid of this guy because he is using her as a stopgap.
    The emotional length I could understand out of his fear if it were the only component.
    But him still having his profile up means that he is still actively looking for someone else despite having “friends” listed.

    Personally if I am spending the whole weekend with a woman, every weekend for three months I’d have already asked her to be exclusively my girlfriend. Otherwise I would not be spending every whole weekend with her.

    As far as contact during the week, I’m not a very verbal person and since not much about current events really motivates me to talk about it at length, I may not call but once or twice.  But I would be willing to listen to whatever my SO had to say when I did.

95. Carol 95

    Absolutely love this advice!  I had to laugh!  It made me feel liberated just readiif it and i
    Agining saying it to the commitment-phone in my life!  I’m gonna try it!  I got nothing to lose! 

96. Lisa 96

    Great advice and glad you made the jump to tell him you were moving on… btw is everyone on this site in their 20′s and 30′s?  I feel old here.. I’m in my late 40′s… Evan’s advice is great regardless of age. I have some cool stories for the woman wanting reality dating stories..

97. Mich 97

    3Months that is all. Try 9 years of being with someone always doing things for him and never taking the next step like moving in together etc etc. Now that is a waste of time.

98. Doug Harper 98

    No two relationships are the same. Step back, take some alone time and listen to your heart. Then be honest and tell him what you feel.

99. Me 99

    I think the “RESPONSE” given wasn’t accurate!
    The best way to deal with this is to tell him you love him, he doesn’t want to tell you he loves you because he afraid of rejection, that’s why he is active on dating sites, so that he always has a “back up plan”  

100. Lisa Harris 100

     Great advice as per usual Evan. I’m usually just a lurker to these types of posts, but I thought I’d add some input for a change.

     As Eda correctly pointed out in post #33, looking for signs at the beginning of a relationship is crucial. Dropping hints to see whether he is after something casual, or something more serious can save a lot of heartache. However, in most cases, guys just take much longer to get that feeling of commitment as opposed to women.

     Once you understand men, you can separate the prince charmings from the frogs fairly quickly. Unfortunately, many women follow their hearts a little too much, which often leads to tears!

     Lisa Harris ~ http://truthsaboutmen.info

101. karla 101

     I didn’t read all the replies but I wonder why us women (and maybe even men) KNOW what is going on and don’t just stand up for themselves. We hear it, see it, feel it in our gut and keep pushing for a relationship while making excuses for everything. I know it is hard to want to keep feeling connected to someone who you have already had intimacy with, but why is it so hard to let go? Even as I write this I know the answer. People don’t want to be alone. They want to feel loved and love others. Intimacy is a HIGH! You have all kinds of hormones and neurotransmitters firing you up, keeping you happy and once you feel the threat of loosing that, it becomes unbearable to live without it. Thats what makes you act all crazy and push even harder, and what leaves you feeling drained, sad and more alone than ever.

102. Ana 102

     Yep Evan, that work’s like a charm. Did for me. I let my commitment phobe boyfriend (my story sounds similiar to Jennifer’s) know I loved him but let him know just because I loved him didn’t give him carte blanche to abuse me; and then I took a hike. I refused his text, his phone calls, and even avoided him when he showed up at my door. After a few weeks of this I relented to hear him out. Now he calls me all the time, is considerate of my feelings, and is hounding me to get married – something I myself don’t want to rush into at this point. Jennifer, take that advice. If he comes back it’s real, but if he doesn’t, it never was. Don’t let anyone abuse you emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.

103. Kim 103

     Evan,
     you hit the nail on the head…and this post really helped me with my problem…I’ve walked with a similar ultimatum and now I feel for some reason that I was wrong or guilty…what’s up with that? Anyway, after reading this, I’m sticking to my guns on this one – I spent way more than 3 months – and it’s time to keep it movin’… I deserve better and so does any woman of value.

104. Katarina Phang 104

     What about just mirroring him aka date him and other guys? Give him the chance to develop emotional attachment while also keeping your options open. There is no fixed timeline for any one when love should happen. It varies differently depending on circumstances. The only problem is when a woman invests more in him than he’s ready to invest in her.

105. Lucilla 105

     I’m in a similar situation, but without the dating site presence. I met him 3 months ago when he relocated to my city, but things haven’t gone well for him here and he recently applied for a job in his old city which he didn’t end up getting. I felt at that time OK about it as I didn’t feel that after 3 months I have the right to stop him doing what he has to do in his life. That was a few weeks ago and he’s still here, but I suddenly feel like I need more from him. I get mixed messages, he says he really likes me, makes plans for the future, introduced me to his friends and family and we have a lot in common and a lot of fun together, but he’s also been hurt really badly in the fairly recent past (just over a year ago), and when I mentioned that I loved something about him, and he misheard and thought I was telling him I loved him, he breathed a huge sigh of relief that I didn’t actually say that. That hurt me because even though I’m not in love with him yet, I could be but I can’t let it happen if he’s not open to it. I know he’s stressing about his life and where he’s going with it, and I’m trying to be mindful of that, but I really need to talk to him about how he feels about me, because if there’s no possibilty of him letting his walls down and trusting me not to tear his heart out, or even if he doesn’t see that he could fall in love with me, then I need to know and get out now. I’m scared of scaring him off, so I don’t want to do it as an ultimatum, more as a gentle talk.

106. Rochelle 106

     I was in a similar situation to this  with a guy I knew for years. But we never dated til last year for about 4 or 5 months. He didn’t ask me to be his girlfriend and a relationship, although he told me wasn’t seeing anyone else.. When I look back at it, it was like he was trying to keep his options open but he enjoyed my company so he was happy with that set up. He  kept saying and doing things as if it will happen someday..such as “we were working towards being a couple”, “didn’t see why we shouldn’t be together”  but he needed “more time”. While telling me this he was contacting me less and less, and acting a bit differently (in a negative way) from how he behaved at the beginning. When I saw he was pulling back, I  started feeling crazy and insecure. So I “casually” brought up the status of how things were progressing more often. Not an effective move but at the time I thought I was just being “rational” because I didn’t want to waste my time. Fortunately I hadn’t slept with him or I would’ve felt even worse.  I ended up dumping him when  it became clear that it wasn’t going anywhere… As a man who wants a relationship to progress would have kept  up his game in contacting me, not pulled back from calling and texting almost everyday,  to a few texts here and there. Actually I think it was when I originally came across this blog and this specific post re: “how long to wait” that I was convinced to dump him And he didn’t follow.I agree with Katarina @104. Nowadays I think the best thing to do is just continue to date other men while seeing the guy that stands out more, see what he does, and be willing to walk from him after a certain amount of time.  If he isn’t   making it clear that he wants to see you exclusively, there’s no reason she can’t date other guys. When a woman acts like she’s his girlfriend and invests more than he is ready to, it never works out. Plus he won’t see a reason to ask her to be his girlfriend if she’s acting like his girlfriend without  establishing a relationship first. He’ll just do what  he can as long as she allows it.

107. Katarina Phang 107

     I’ve been dating this younger guy the last 4 months.  While he has been very cautious about expressing his feelings for me, he calls me almost every day and wants to see me most of the time.  He only said the L word twice but he admitted that he had emotionally attached to me, hence the constant checking in with me.  

     I just enjoy the ride, never worrying about the future.  At the same time, I know he feels he’s not ready for relationship (funny thing is I am the only woman he’s seeing right now ’cause he’s with me most of the time).

     I just let him be while keeping my options open.  I love being cherished and adored as he compliments me on how special I am all the time because “I understand men and know how to be a woman.”

     Be a high-value woman and work on your attraction, he isn’t going anywhere.

108. Rochelle 108

     “Be a high-value woman and work on your attraction, he isn’t going anywhere.”

     So true. Act like you deserve love and radiate confidence, you will be more likely to receive love, rather than when you send out desperate/needy vibes. The latter is just self sabotaging and I understand that now.

109. Shawn Catherine 109

     Spot-on!

110. Stephanie 110

     This article popped up in my inbox, and it was spot-on. Too bad I didn’t read it about two months ago, when my now-ex started putting all of his energy into work and relegating me to weekend status. I tried to be flexible for his sake. Last month he broke up with me after what seemed like a typical date, saying he didn’t think we were heading in the same direction and that talking with his single friends made him realize he wanted to see what else was out there. In the moment, he blindsided me. I was quite a wreck for that first week. But in hindsight, I stopped being a priority some time before, and I just hadn’t realized it. It really hurts to think that I thought we were on the same page, whereas he was planning his escape route. But in the end, it IS better to be hurt now than further along down the line, when I would have been even more attached.

111. JAN 111

     I started seeing a guy twelve months ago, he works nights.  To begin we practically lived with each other for four days then he got cold feet.  We seem to gravitate back together and three months later we slept together and he said it was a mistake and that he does not want a relationship as he does not want to be hurt again.  We have just remained friends and it is strictly platonic, when he is not working he phones and spends lots of time with me, he has even said recently that he started to think this is nice and is more relaxed about the whole thing, also that he has grown very fond of me as a friend.  I want a relationship and have deep feelings for him, he knows this and says massaging it won’t work let it run its course, he also says pushing him is not the answer.  He has been through a rough time and I have lent money, loaned him my car, and provided food, even found him a job.  He says when he gets some money he will make amends and has said he would like to take me out.  I need physical affection and just wonder how much longer do I wait as it is really starting to hurt.

112. Christine 112

     i agree  he needs to get off the web sites if you two are exclusive. Chances are he is talking to lots of folks. i would pull away no more dates. let it go . if he loves you he will be at your door in a heartbeat. if not then you know it is time to move on. as painful as that sounds that will help you emotionally in the end. good luck

113. LadyT 113

     Evan I had the talk with a guy I have been dating for 8 months. He says he doesnt know what he wants and wants to take things slow and that if I want to see someone else then ok. But when I told him I can no longer continue seeing him or talking to him the way we have been for own sake he will not accept it and still wants to “chill”. Granted we are not rarely active when it comes to sex either.  He thinks I am changing and want to control everything. He says when you label this everything gets complicated. I think he is still hurt by his ex (4 years ago) or he still not over her.

114. Rochelle 114

     Well I recently had the guy I mentioned in my previous post call  me and I  missed it. I don’t know why he called out of the blue but I didn’t feel comfortable returning the call as he didn’t leave a voicemail.  I was surprised that he still had my number in the first place, as we haven’t spoken in several months. (I searched the number online since it looked familiar)   We were acquaintances before dating but I don’t think I can go back to that right now. although I have since  realized I we wouldn’t have made the best match romantically anyway,  I was rather affected by the situation at the time.

     Either way I think we should be weary of the “hesitant to commit after enough time” type  guy we dump and still tries to hang around.  It doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a relationship, he may just want how it is before… These days I make no assumptions.

115. Courtney 115

     If only I found Evan a year and a half ago, I wouldn’t be going through such amazing heartache right now.  The whole “lack of attention during the week” drove me NUTS.  Reality was – I was trying to change reality by sheer force of will.  Reality was – no matter how beautiful every single weekend was (we spent 95% of them together), he was not willing to commit.  Monday-Thursday was proof. 
     Take your beautiful weekends as wonderful memories and a hint of what real love is like, because he’s just living a lie right now and you happen to be his practice-ground.  He can’t be the person he pretends to be when you’re together, which is why he needs the weeks to himself.  He is living a lie, and feeding you a lie. 
     Hindsight is 20/20 and I wish I had Evan’s advice a long time ago…..and then had courage to act on it.  If the WHOLE PACKAGE doesn’t feel good to you – walk.  Make it on your terms, there will be less to mop up when its all said and done.  Spend your precious time on what feels good, not this gnawing uncertainty.

116. Trisha 116

     I’ve read all your replies. I do understand how it feels being dragged by all the plans etc. I met my bf online. Been in the relationship for almost 3 yrs now. I remember I was 28 that time when I met him on the dating site. I fell for him till we met in person after 8 mos.of chatting but my great dreams turned to frustrations after finding out he met another girl the time he first met me. It turned me into pieces & it almost crushed my heart. Stupid I am I know, I still go on w/the relationship & I ended giving him another chance coz it’s what I thought is right,coz I really love him & I considered myself being committed to him when we first met. Till we met again last mo.for the second time around. I should say, i can remember I broke up w/him thrice for almost 3 yrs.but I cant understand why I keep feeling pushing myself to him. Maybe the right word is HOPE, I keep on hoping & expecting him to marry me. He knows when we first met that I am looking for someone to marry, settle down & make a family I can call my own. But as mos., years passed by I got more scared. Am I that stupid enough to keep hoping for it? He got 5 kids & divorced, I am 30 single, never been married & no kids. Sometimes I keep asking myself, is it right to still HOPE? I can feel his kids are his priorities, his work & I cant understand why he’s letting me feel being taken for granted if he really loves me. I think LOVING is GIVING. Giving your all no matter that nothing will be left to you… But why I should feel this way? I want to feel happy again but he’s not doing that thing to me. He knows what I hope for, to get married but telling me we dont need to rush makes me think… What should I need to do now? Is it right to entertain other guys/ get to know someone again? I feel being cheated all the time coz i dont see any reason he’s doing all his efforts to prove to me that he really wants me in his life. Maybe yes he needs me, just as a girlfriend but not a WIFE….

117. marymary 117

     Trisha
     your dreams may be great but your relationship is not. It,s pure fantasy to fall for someone you hadn’t even met. This is real life, don,t go casting yourself as the heroine in a diy romantic drama.
     loving is giving and it is hope. But if it,s one sided it,s less about a relationship and more about you refusing to face reality while you continue to stubbornly plug away at your own agenda. Giving until you have nothing left isn,t love, it,s madness and not in a good way. 
     the right thing to do  is break up, think about why you let this happen and then start dating again. Don’t add to this mess by cheating. Yeah, even if he did it first. try baggage reclaim, link up at the left.
     i used to have crap relationships too but am now with someone who treats me well (and is sexually attractive). I am not particularly giving and am more selfish than i ever used to be. Martys don’t win themselves a wonderful relationship, they just get martyred.
     oh yeah, and don’t go clinging to the three years as an excuse to give it another three years and then another. That,s not commitment. Is it really commitment to commit yourself to something hopeless or is it just an excuse not to take proper action towards what you say you really want? How much do you want it? Enough to cause yourself some short term grief for the long term goal? that would be commitment, not frittering your life away on dreams.
     dreams, you can’t live on them.

118. starthrower68 118

     I do have sympathy for the OP; I think what’s worse than knowing he has no intention of committing is feeling foolish for not paying greater attention to or completely missing all the red flags.  I’m sure it is also possible to be that naïve, but it has been my experience that I know something is off.  Walk away and hold your head high.  If you were good to him, you have nothing to be ashamed of.  Just learn from this and move forward. 

119. Trisha 119

     marymary thanks for your words. i really need someone to talk to now. glad i did find this site while browsing it on google. glad to know i am not alone in my situation. honestly im feeling cold towards my bf everyday. last night when we chatted, i dont feel the same anymore. i feel i was a stranger to him now & i have in my mind that whatever he says, it seems i dont believe it anymore. im tired of waitying & hoping now. you’re right 3 yrs. is enough. telling me that we need to be financially stable & will get married after 2 more years, i dont know if i can still wait for it. im not getting any younger. i was dreaming to get married, settled down when i turned 30 but i got frustrated w/that. i once got engaged when i was 24 w/my ex fiance but aborted our wedding on the day of it. it gave me a very traumatic experience that i once told myself that when i find the right guy, i will marry then & wont find another guy anymore. but things didn’t happen. im tired of his sweet nothing’s… calling me childish to always remind him of what he’s doing to me, i dont think so he has that plans to marry me after all. i tried to give all my efforts, my time to him but i even tried to ask him if he did ask himself why i am like this to him now? but he always give me unclear answers. now maybe it’s time for me to do my thing. im just thankful i will have a new job soon so my focus will not be on him anymore. i want to be happy again, to feel as if being treated w/love & respect but it’s not what is happening. i tried to love him, w/all my heart & soul but how about me? i think he’s not yet ready for a commitment & his kids & work are his priority. i cant push myself much on him… im already tired….

120. Magdalena 120

     Evan, you get an A+!!   Who would have thought that I wouldn’t argue?  Not me!

121. Johanny 121

     I love it Evan I just copy, paste and saved your response just in case, is perfet!

122. Amy Rickers 122

     All of your articles hit home for me, but this one in particular has made things as CLEAR as ever! I am 3 months into a very healthy relationship with a very nice guy. I broke up with my EX not too long before that.  After reading the “truth” about men/relationships I feel not only at peace but ECSTATIC about my decision to break up with the EX and date the awesome, safe, kind guy.
     The story behind my ex: We dated for 2 years, 1 which was long-distance while I was in school. The last two months of our relationship (I hadn’t realized that at the time) I moved to be closer to him. I was going through a very tough time, I was depressed and having financial struggles. And he left me. After going back-and-forth with him for ONE LAST year, I finally decided enough was enough and ended it for good.
     He is the type of guy who is a little hard to just forget. He is an Alpha Male who makes you weak at the knees and is fun as all Hell… but the short-term burst of endorphins is only that- “short-term”. I am very lucky to have seen the writing on the wall before I wasted more time on him. And like I said, after reading your articles it helps me to realize that I might the right decision.
     I am still getting used to being with a guy who isn’t a 10, doesn’t give me severe butterflies, make me angry, sad, CRAZY… It sounds sad, but I’m having to get used to being in a normal, mature relationship.  I guess people (ME) don’t change overnight, but I am proud to be making an effort to change me for the better.  
     My Ex texted me two nights ago to “catch up”, he likes to remind me he is still very much alive- and I turned him down. The old me might have wanted my EX back- to follow my heart and go with the one who gives me “that feeling”.  The next day, my new boyfriend asked me to be official. THANK GOODNESS I STARTED READING YOUR WEBSITE. You equipped me well Evan, and I thank you for that. I thank you for the free Blogs for those of us who are just starting our careers J  

123. Nesrin 123

     I am not sure if checking to see if someone is actively on a dating site is the right way to go about it. I am dating someone and I still have a match.com subscription and i go in about once a week, to delete some emails as once..i was inactive for 7 months and it took me ages and ages to go through accumulated mails. So i am not actively searching for someone but i still have a subscription and am keeping my inbox tidy. Also the guy i am dating has not said they want to be exclusive with me, so if i want to I can go on there….
     Which leads me to another question, when i first met him i really liked him and after 3 dates decided that i did not want to date anyone else just to see how it went, but I dont know what he is doing….

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