Oct19

How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend?

08:14 am on Oct 19th 2007 Evan Marc Katz

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40 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

40 Responses to “How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend?”

1. Michael Oct 19th 2007 at 08:50 am 1

   First, keep in mind that after one year, you two are no longer “daters.” You’re in more or less a committed relationship, and if you don’t want that you had better tell her so. This is about the time where she’ll want to know where your relationship is going (or at least that it’s moving forward), so make sure you’ve thought about that.

   But if you DO want to stay in this relationship, keep in mind that when she calls you, that “counts” as the “call of the day.” (If she never calls you but expects you to call her every day, well, there’s an underlying issue there you may need to address.)

   If you’ve been with a woman for a year, you two certainly must always have some kind of plan in the works, or something that’s going on in your life or hers that might require a question or discussion – talking regularly shouldn’t need to be like, “um, so, er, how’s it going?”

   Use these calls to get to know your girlfriend – it not only makes her feel more cared-for, as Marc says, but when you really pay attention, you’ll get information that can be valuable to you – she’ll feel like like you really “get” her, and, that can pay off big in, say, the bedroom.

2. SWF42 Oct 19th 2007 at 08:54 am 2

   The girlfriend uses the “if you loved me you would….” line and that’s okay???!!???

   Once he starts calling her every day, because she said he has to, what else is she going to demand he do…if he loves her?

   Geez, ‘girlfriend,’ manipulate much?

3. Sue Oct 19th 2007 at 09:09 am 3

   “Women crave connection.” You’ve hit the topic right on the head. It’s a man/woman difference thing.

   I can’t speak for *every* woman, but I’ll bet this fits for most. Reassure us with that good night call, check in to see how our day went, just to say hi and you were thinking of us, and it will relieve *a lot* of insecurities. Get rid of those insecurities and you’ll see more of real woman you want to get to know better – if that’s your long term goal in the relationship.

   Have a short and sweet conversation and leave us smiling. Michael’s right, there might be great returns on the investment.

   Please don’t do this to play a head game

4. mrs. vee Oct 19th 2007 at 09:33 am 4

   I think what we’re seeing is a fundamental difference starting to reveal itself here. It seems to me, Hadley, that you and your girlfriend differ in terms of how integrated into each others’ lives you think a couple oughtta to be.

   By my experience, this is the sort of thing that starts small and then snowballs into larger issues surrounding commitment and readiness for marriage.

   Underlying her demands to talk with you everyday is a standard of togetherness she may have in her mind. If she’s at all marriage-minded, she’s holding an ideal picture in her head of you coming home to her each day, talking about the goods and bads of the day’s events, and making mundane decisions together in marital bliss. That’s the yardstick she may be using to measure the health of your relationship and looking for interactions that have that sort of flavor to them.

   If, on the other hand, you think your relationship is great exactly where it is right now – and I’d venture to guess it’s one where you “hang out” well with each other; she’s like a a good buddy who looks good on your arm and you have great sex together – well that’s a perfectly accepptable attitude for a guy to have. Except that you and your girlfriend don’t share the same perception of the relationship. She wants to maneuver the relationship to fit her ideals, while you want to do what it takes to maintain status quo.

   So really, I’d say follow Evan’s advice only if your intent is to get closer to your girlfriend in the longterm sense that she presumably hopes for. If that’s something you want too, then recognize the act of calling her every day as a means to achieve that end rather than a chore. If however, you really think that having to talk to her every day is a drag, then I can only imagine how the thought of coming home to her every day must be unthinkable for you. Then I’d say consider letting her go out of fairness to her. You can’t change her either.

5. Andrea Oct 19th 2007 at 09:54 am 5

   I somehow got through almost 31 years before I heard the following advice, passed to me by someone who’d heard it from their father:
   “Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?”

   Daily calls could merely be reassurance to her, or cozy habit. If it makes her feel better, just do it.

   It does bother me that she says, “If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to” and I can see why that would make you want to do the opposite. The “If you really loved me” line is bullshit. Logically, one’s love does not hinge one one item. If a guy pulled that on me I’d call him on that bullshit before reassuring him.
   (Though I’m not sure that a guy would say it. If he did he’d lose man credibility, prompting me to mock him with, “Are you now the girl in this relationship??” But anyway…)

   To answer Hadley’s question regarding “phone call frequency”: We all have our own needs. No one’s needs matter but your girlfriend’s. Comparing is pointless.

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7. BeenThruTheWars Oct 19th 2007 at 10:06 am 7

   If your girlfriend were a friend of mine and someone who would willingly take advice, I would ask her to read “The Art of War for Lovers” — and learn from it how and why to contain her insecurities, to give you some space and independence, and to make sure she continues to maintain her own life and interests. Even if you two do get married in a year or so, she will need to do that to avoid becoming a clinging violet and driving you out to spend more time with the boys than with her. I would also hand her “Mars and Venus on a Date” to read, so she understands the stages of dating you’re moving through and why she’s turning you off and creating conflict with this “demand” you are justifiably resisting. I suspect that if she stopped asking you to call, cold turkey, and just got busy and seemed happy with her life and with you and what you give her, things would relax between you and you would find yourself WANTING to call her every day, twice on Sunday. It wouldn’t feel like an obligation anymore, it would feel like something you were choosing to do out of love. It would bring you closer, whereas her current behavior is driving a wedge between you. I’d also have her read the original “Men Are from Mars… ” book to understand how she is smothering you with her neediness.

   This is why I am such an advocate of The Rules and John Gray; their approaches help a woman understand that the more you can accommodate a man’s need for independence by not pressuring or clinging to him, the more he wants to move toward you and the more you get the desired behavior of more affection/contact. The majority of women really don’t get that, and it’s sad because it causes so much conflict in otherwise sound relationships.

   I’ve only used the “If you really loved me… ” line in the context of over the top humor, as in, “If you really loved me, you’d end the fighting in the Middle East.” It’s a deadly line to use in a serious context, right up there with “You always” and “You never.” Just bad form.

   I wish you both luck, and if this is the only problem between the two of you at the one year mark (and such a solvable problem with a bit of attitude adjustment on her part) you should have many happy years in front of you.

   Maybe you could try the following script with her: “Babe, I do love you, a LOT. I think about you all the time. I’m crazy about you. I just don’t always pick up a phone to prove it, but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong or that I love you any less. It just means I’m off doing ‘guy stuff.’ Don’t take it personally if I forget to call sometimes. If you want me to call every day, I will — but it makes me feel like I’m checking in with the warden and it’s creating some resentment which isn’t cool, so if you will work with me on this one, I promise I will do my best to let you know how cherished you are when we do talk. How do you feel about that?” Not “what do you think” but “how do you feel” (wording is important). And see what she says. Try to get to the root of where her intractable demand is coming from — is it really insecurity or are there some control issues; or are other people telling her that you “need” to call her every day because that’s what their husbands did, etc.? See if you can get to the bottom of 1) why she does it, 2) what need of hers is going unfulfilled by giving you a little more alone time once in a while, 3) what you can do to fill that need without having resentment build up inside you. If you’re mature enough to be together for a year, you’re mature enough to have a loving, two-way dialogue like this.

8. Damie Oct 19th 2007 at 10:48 am 8

   I dunno. Anytime I’ve ever had a guy get irritated because he felt he had to do something out of obligation it was a sign things weren’t right. And that’s not to say they couldn’t GET right, but if you are feeling like she’s your mom because she wants you to call just wait til she starts asking you to pick up your socks or do the dishes.

9. Susie Oct 19th 2007 at 11:50 am 9

   Another option: call when you know she can’t answer, just to say hi. She’ll know you were thinking about her, but you won’t really be checking in. Maybe I’m just not that feminine, but I don’t feel like I need to talk to the guy I’m dating every day. On the other hand, I like getting a good morning email from him. I know he’s thinking of me, but we both are busy. I know he likes getting to work and finding a good night/ good morning email I sent late the night before.

   On the other hand, you have to do what works for both of you. Since the daily phone call is something she apparently needs, you’ll have to suck it up or she’ll continue to be unhappy. It soulds like she’s taking that unhappiness out on you, so it’s really to your benefit to call. (”If you really loved me…” is playing dirty, in my book.)

   And please, please, please, BeenThruTheWars, throw out The Rules and John Gray! The Rules are an arbitrary system of manipulation for women to use to play “hard-to-get”, and John Gray is painfully reductionist. One size does not fit all, and too many self-help books assume that all women are one way, and all men are another. Complexity and variety are what makes the world interesting.

10. Andrea Oct 19th 2007 at 01:20 pm 10

    Susie said:
    “…I don’t feel like I need to talk to the guy I’m dating every day. On the other hand, I like getting a good morning email from him. I know he’s thinking of me, but we both are busy. I know he likes getting to work and finding a good night/ good morning email I sent late the night before.”

    I’ll validate that. I’m the same way. I get used to regular emails and regular back and forth during the day as time permits but daily phone calls don’t work for me.

    Also, I’m one of those people who needs a purpose for a phone call, and something to discuss. “‘How are you?’ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you?’ ‘Fine, thank.’ ‘*awkward silence while we think about discussion topics*’ doesn’t work for me. I even sometimes tell my mother, after phone silence, “Um, did you have something you want to discuss, or…?” and her and I speak a few times a week.

    (For the record, I also don’t like the “Whatcha thinking?” question. )

11. Jill Oct 20th 2007 at 05:12 am 11

    Andrea – “For the record, I also don’t like the “Whatcha thinking?” question.” Oh yeah I HATE that one! I have way too many scattered thoughts per moment to be able to choose an appropriate one with which to answer!

12. Evan Marc Katz Oct 20th 2007 at 11:00 am 12

    Since you guys brought it up, please go to Chemistry.com and check out their Great Mate Debate where I’m blogging about this very question this week: “Why do men hate it when women ask, ‘What are you thinking…?’

    My answer should be up on Monday or Tuesday

    http://chemistry.typepad.com/the_great_mate_debate/

    Your comments on the Chemistry piece are greatly appreciated.

13. Andrea Oct 20th 2007 at 01:49 pm 13

    Heh.
    I brought up “Whatcha thinking” to be cheeky because it seems like a “typical girl” move that a lot of us women can’t stand.

    It reminds me of a scene in Gilmore Girls that I once saw. In it, Lorelei explained her “million thoughts a minute” thought process (though didn’t refer to it as such). It was basically a mental tangent in which one though leads to another to another until there have been many thoughts in a short time span and the final thought has absolutely nothing to do with the first and there’s no way to even explain them all in a logical manner or without sounding crazy. It was funny, and so, so true. Sounds like Jill knows what I’m talking about.

14. Kat Wilder Oct 20th 2007 at 06:32 pm 14

    I agree with BeenThruTheWars … to a point. That Mars/Venus stuff is too pop psych for me (and Mr. Gray lives round these parts.)

    Your approach — to have an honest dialog — is a great one. One, because she can hear how her demand makes you feel (whe probably isn’t aware of that), two, you can express yourself in a safe, loving space and three, because it opens up communication on expectations. This is huge because if you do eventually marry, expectations seem to multiply like bunnies. Better to start off with an established pattern of being open and honest with each other than doing something to please the other while building up resentments.

    True, it isn’t much to call because you know it pleases her. And, true, you should be very clear about why you hesitate to do that — because she wants you to (like mom), or because you just don’t want to do it. But talking about it honestly is the way to a much healthier relationship.

15. downtowngal Oct 23rd 2007 at 07:08 pm 15

    Finally a good question from a guy about a really good relationship topic. I hear from guys they’re always wondering what makes women happy – well, here’s a woman telling Hadley what she wants. And if he’s unsure then perhaps he should evaluate what he wants.

    Women like attention. Even if it’s a short, sweet email, it means more to us than no contact for a couple of days. When she says “If you loved me you would….” she’s questioning whether you are truly committed to the relationship or to fulfilling her needs.

    Ongoing contact demonstrates to her that you’re committed to supporting her emotional needs, something women value as an integral component of intimacy.

16. Jenny Oct 24th 2007 at 04:51 pm 16

    Stop worrying about checking in with your girlfriend, and get some real dialogue going with her about it and get to the bottom of it. Then do check in with your real mom and see if that has something to do with your worries.

17. lilly Dec 12th 2007 at 01:05 pm 17

    ooooo am having this issue with my boyfriend right now actually – yeah i just want to know im being thought about and loved. yes we ARE insecure and if we feel totally loved then e wouldnt need the calls maybe. well done for posting the wuestion – maybe il forwardd it to my boyfriend.

18. Lyn Dec 12th 2007 at 10:19 pm 18

    I agree with connectedness —we want to feel connected — but personally, a 5 minute, a 2 minute call … (at least for me) that says “hey baby i know i am not into calling everyday — but i at least wanted to say i am thinking about you ” beats a half hour, or an hour conversation. Because, that, in my opinion, is connectedness. An every other day 20/30/40 minute call, is normal, and expected. With all due respect, the whole “if you love me you’d call me EVERY DAY” is emotional manipulation. At least, if a guy said that to me, I would feel manipulated, and would be turned off. Nonetheless, not everyone feels that way….

19. James Dec 21st 2007 at 07:17 pm 19

    I now know why my girlfriend wasn’t impressed when I called 2 hours later than expected. I had no idea. My feelings for her couldn’t possibly change in 24 hours, so I feel a little gobsmacked if it means she thinks they could. However, if it makes her happy I’ll try to phone every day. I’d best set the alarm on my mobile though!
    Collectively, thanks for your various perspectives, I hope it works out for you all.

20. Jessica Jan 10th 2008 at 08:00 pm 20

    I’m surprised that no one other than Evan commented on Hadley’s supposition that “And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.” Halfway, huh? ; )

    The words “supposed to” in his question really say it all. No one is eager to do something they are supposed to do or have to do versus something they want to do. Need to do is a gray area as it can be both a want to, and a have to. Those of you who suggested ways he could make it a genuine want or to his benefit, all gave good advice in my opinion. As did the people who said it shouldn’t have to be part of a caveat … Just his girlfriend stating her wishes, needs and wants and then Hadley deciding if he can and will meet them in accordance with his own wishes, needs and wants. Compromise is underrated and under practiced, but it is a very necessary component of a working relationship as is real communication. I hope you all found a resolution to this issue Hadley – one that worked for both of you.

21. Hadley Paige Jan 18th 2008 at 01:52 pm 21

    Jessica writes “Compromise is underrated and under practiced, but it is a very necessary component of a working relationship”

    Compromise. Yes, its an important element of a successful relationship. But depending on the expectations of the parties to the “negotiations”, the resulting compromise is not necessarily satisfying for either party. And the cumulative effect of all the compromises may land both parties in the middle of nowhere.

    Modern American women expect/demand more from their significant others than in the past. That is bc (statistically speaking) they are making more money/have more options/live in a society with a bigger social safety net/are more independent than in the past. They need men less (if at all) for support/protection. Thus emotional satisfaction takes a much larger share of the “what I want from him in order to make me happy” pie. Expecting/demanding more means (I infer) that less men will succeed (If I understand the average guy) in meeting these expectations.

    Broadly speaking women love to talk. Men don’t. (ave daily spoken word: women approx 20K; men 7K) Personally, I am tired of talking (and talking and talking) and compromising on seemingly everything. What I want is a woman who (i) largely accepts me as I am; (ii) is happy (or at least content) to get from me what I am willing to give; and (iii) (unless its REALLY important to her) leaves me alone about the seemingly endless minor issues.

22. J Jan 20th 2008 at 04:14 am 22

    Negotiations are for business deals and piece treaties. If compromising is turning into major negotiations, then you are right Hadley, it is a lot of work and probably too much work. It shouldn’t be that hard most of the time if a relationship is working and equitable – for both of you. Not that you don’t have to work on it and even, at it, sometimes and do so throughout to keep it not just going, but strong. If it is too hard most of the time, then it isn’t good. If it requires constant whatever, then it probably isn’t solid either. Or, if one or both people FEELS like it is constant compromise, constant struggle, constant criticism or whatever, then for them, it is too much (not worth what that individual is getting out of it – or what they feel they are sacrificing or not getting out of it) because it isn’t within the range that person feels is desirable or acceptable as to his or her personal definition(s)/requirements of what a relationship or marriage or whatever should be – then it isn’t, whether the other person feels that way or not. You won’t always agree or want the same things, or have equal give and take. Still have to at least have compatible ideas and expectations more often than not, or it does come down to negotiating – where one person theoretically seems to win and one loses. And I think that would kind of suck.

23. downtowngal Jan 21st 2008 at 06:27 pm 23

    Hadly: “Modern American women expect/demand more from their significant others than in the past.”

    ..compared to when? And what does having careers or money have to do with it? If anything it would make us LESS demanding from a material standpoint, but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been.

    So that said, what exactly are women in this country demanding from relationships than our mothers did in their time? If my dad ignored my mother I doubt I they would have lasted 40 years and had 2 kids.

    If you consider calling your girlfriend on a regular basis too demanding then perhaps you should consider whether being in a relationship is the right thing for you.

24. Hadley Paige Jan 22nd 2008 at 01:43 pm 24

    Downtown girl writes: “what does having careers or money have to do with it? If anything it would make us LESS demanding from a material standpoint, but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been.

    You have a point. I now clarify what I meant to say. Modern women are perhaps less demanding in the material realm, but I believe are much more demanding in the emotional realm.

    “but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been”.

    I must respectfully disagree with this observation. The notion of romatic love being the woman’s primary (key) basis for marriage is a relatively modern one. Woman have historically chosen husbands primarily based upon the man’s ability to provide for them and their children and the man’s ability to protect them. Of course the man had to be kind, but being primarily motivated by love was viewed as misguided and unwise.

    There is a fairly direct correlation between women’s full legal integration into society (last 100 yrs or so) (as well as the growth of the socialist state which provides a substatial social safety net to catch women and their children who discover that for whatever reason they don’t want to be with their husband) and the degree to which women emphasize love as the primary basis for marriage over the good provider/protector role.

    “what exactly are women in this country demanding from relationships than our mothers did in their time?” The difference between you and your mother is probably not that great in terms of your priorities with respect to the husbands you seek and what they can provide to you. But if you look at your grandmother and great grandmother the difference (i believe) would be readily apparent.

    “If you consider calling your girlfriend on a regular basis too demanding then perhaps you should consider whether being in a relationship is the right thing for you.” Regular basis is not exactly the the point. Calling every day is what I was talking about. Once a week is also “on regular basis”.

    SO downtown girl, It sounds like you believe I am misguided for wanting and waiting for a woman who is content with what I got to offer and am willing to give. Do you?

25. downtowngal Jan 22nd 2008 at 07:14 pm 25

    Hadley P: “The difference between you and your mother is probably not that great in terms of your priorities with respect to the husbands you seek and what they can provide to you. But if you look at your grandmother and great grandmother the difference (i believe) would be readily apparent. ”

    Actually both sets of my grandparents have been married for years and were much in love until they died. I remember both of my grandmothers telling me stories of how they fell in love; and both gave me advice on not settling for someone who doesn’t show me the attention I deserve.

    Years ago many women stayed in unhappy marriages because they had little choice economically. And many still do today.

    If you find the woman of your dreams and she’s ok with hearing from you once per week than I wish you the best of luck.

26. Selena Jan 22nd 2008 at 07:39 pm 26

    If some guy only called me once a week, I wouldn’t consider him my boyfriend–I consider him” the guy who calls me once a week”. Oh, Hadley’s on the phone, it must be Friday.

    Both my grandmothers married for love and they would be over 100 yrs. old now if they were still living. Though I don’t see what the reason grandmothers and great-grandmothers married has to do with someone who wants to talk to her boyfriend everyday. What’s up with all the Sociology 101 on these threads?

27. yuki Jan 23rd 2008 at 01:05 am 27

    Hadley, you sound an awful lot like verbosity. Hmmm. Note to self: avoid the ad hominemnemum.

    I too hope you find yourself a nice girl content with your arrangement.

    I trust you realize how rare it is to find a woman with the emotional make-up you require.

    Both my grandmothers – and great-granny too- married for love. I couldn’t tell what point you were trying to advance anyway.

28. Hadley Paige Jan 23rd 2008 at 12:23 pm 28

    To: Downtowngirl; Selena: Yuki

    Yuki: “I couldn’t tell what point you were trying to advance anyway.” The point I was trying to make was that women today place greater emotional demands upon their men than historically.

    Logical note to Downtowngirl; Selena: Yuki : The fact that all of you know ancestors who say (not necessarily true, and possibly colored by the passage of time) they married primarily for love is anecdotal.The stated results of your interviews in no way contradict my general assertion that historically ( don’t really mean the last 50 years), women (by which I imply a meaningful majority) marrying primarily for love was unusual.

    Yuki: The fact that Verbosity & I sound similar is bc (I think) that we are both lawyers who are trained to think logically and rationally, rather than viscerally arrive at opinions. Lawyers tend to understand Logic better and hence are more aware of logical fallacies and pitfalls. (Like the logical flaw of a small sample size (your parents and grandparents) leading to an inductively arrived at general statement of observation>>e.g. most women married historically married for love.

    Selena: ” what’s up w sociology 101?” In order for one to understand if one’s behavior is reasonable or not, it is useful to have a societal context with which to compare it to. No?

29. verbosity Jan 23rd 2008 at 01:12 pm 29

    Interesting points. BTW, Yuki, Hadley P & downtowngal had a nice, very civil exchange of different views which they clarified. I’d suggest you actually look up what ad hominem means on Wiki so you’ll know it when you see it.

    There are a couple of tensions I see here…SWF42 mention mentioned manipulation (if you really loved me…”) as a factor. Others mentioned craving connection as a factor.

    I think people of both sexes who are happy about themselves and self-assured do not really have this issue. There would be no need to demand that someone call you daily, particularly if they already do not enjoy it. I think once per week, particularly if you are ‘exclusive’ is also probably a bit too long of a pause also. I share SWF’s view on this though. Something doesn’t smell right with that tactic.

30. verbosity Jan 23rd 2008 at 01:19 pm 30

    Also, the thought just occurred…

    He could say “If you really loved me you’d respect what I’ve told you about checking in with my mom. Love and respect are 2 way streets. You can’t have 1 without the other”

    By the way, his gut’s telling him something is off about this girl and this insecure (dare I say immature?) demand. He should listen to it.

31. J Jan 23rd 2008 at 02:01 pm 31

    Neither one of the two people should be saying, “If you really loved me” and then issuing a challenge or an ultimatum as in “then you’d do or say …”. That has nothing to do with love and a lot to do with guilt, manipulation, and insecurity and/or a need or desire to control someone else. The idea is to find someone else who has the same ideas about what people do, say and feel (for the most part) when they like and/or love and/or respect someone else (hopefully, all three) in a true partnership – where you are in it together. Or at least, find someone whose ideas are not incompatible with yours = again for the most part. Negotiating is for business and international piece treaties and bartering for better prices in flea, and other, markets. And it often takes center stage in divorce proceedings too. Oh, and back when women were regarded mostly as property, chattel, brood mares and/or a way to either restore or increase ones fortune with their accompanying dowry and arranged marriages were primarily the norm (as way to again build alliances, increase wealth and propagate the familial line and influence), negotiation was probably pretty big then too. This would also be a time when women placed far less emotional demands on men because what they thought and felt was completely inconsequential and their rights as individuals were pretty much non-existent for the majority of them. Women were often nothing more than property for centuries in many cultures. To be had or disposed of at the will and whim of their legal guardian – their husband. Back then, men often saw the girl as the wallet (if had lost their fortune for whatever reason) regardless of what she did or didn’t look like and also picked her if she looked like a good breeder. That was the way it is – like it or lump it or you know, join a convent : ) Women want more emotionally, physically, mentally, career-wise – because we can and because it is out there to be had. With the right man or men (over time) who want similar things to a similar degree or at least have compatible wants, needs and goals – to ours. Surely those of you who don’t want to have to talk to their girlfriends more than once a week, can find a girl who is cool with that. The rest of us who want and need more contact with our S.O. will keep looking for the man who is into us enough and enough on the same wavelength to be in touch more and to a comparable degree and frequency of communication as we ourselves put forth and desire. This seems like it would be very easy to understand, but very hard to find. Not sure why someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Though again, if you ask “How often should I call” or “do I have to…”, that is off to me as it means you are saying it is because you have to and not want to. If you find that you “have to do” a bunch of stuff a lot of the time to keep a partner (whether you are male or female), then it is too much work, too much pressure and it isn’t really working for you or them well. Find someone who fits.

32. the last word Jan 24th 2008 at 06:14 pm 32

    Hadley, you asked Evan a question, he gave you his advice, as did everyone else on this board, yet it sounds as if you’re still set in your ways.

    best of luck dude.

33. Hadley Paige Jan 25th 2008 at 06:06 am 33

    To: the last word: ” actually commentary aside in my initial post to Evan I asked “Where is this phone call frequency [once a day] on the range of daters who call each other?

    While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still haven’t heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired).

    As I posted above “In order for one to understand if one’s behavior is reasonable or not, it is useful to have a societal context with which to compare it to. No?”

34. Selena Jan 25th 2008 at 02:24 pm 34

    Hadley,
    I don’t know how you can define typical, since this is subjective and IS based on what individuals consider appropriate and desireable. My experience has been that someone who is very interested calls every day. Certainly a *boyfriend* does, and often more than once a day if we are making plans to have dinner together or otherwise meet that night.

    There have been a couple men I dated casually, and what was typical in those situations was calling 1-3 times a week to say “Hi” and/or make plans together for the week-end. Those ‘relationships’ in my case, always proved to be fairly short-lived–so for me, typical in frequency of calling is directly related to closeness, exclusivity, being “a couple”.

    Others related factors though, can involve what type of work, hours a person has–if they even CAN call, and if personal calls during work hours are discouraged. And certainly people who have a routine of seeing each other every night might not find phone calls beforehand even necessary.

    Is this the type of answer you were looking for?

35. the last word, II Jan 25th 2008 at 08:07 pm 35

    Hadley: “While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still haven’t heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired).”

    dude, based on your letter, your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you can’t be bothered so you’re trying to benchmark the ‘reasonableness’ of her request by repeatedy asking or making up cockamamie junk social science about how women are supposedly more demanding now than years ago because you don’t want to call your gf more than 1x per week.

    like evan said, would you rather be happy or right? sounds like the latter.

36. Hadley Paige Jan 28th 2008 at 11:41 am 36

    To the last word II:

    “your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you can’t be bothered…”

    It seems like you feel that once the gf has expressed what she wants I must then do it or then (by your lights) be considered wrong or at least inadequately attentive. If I understand your inference correctly, I must disagree with you.

    Yes, I am trying to benchmark my behavior as to where I fall relative to everyone else. Do you feel that that is a misguided thing to do? Isn’t the determination of whether a behavior is appropriate or inappropriate a societal construct?

    “Sounds like you can’t be bothered so you’re. . . making up cockamamie junk social science. . .

    Sound like you’ve got a bit of an agenda here. Do you have any support for your view that I have made up “cockamamie junk science”; or is it that you just don’t like the perspective and therefor discredit the theory? I would be very interested to read any reputable study you may have access to that suggests otherwise. I am not attached to my theory, I just happen to believe, based upon what I have read, that I am correct. If you have a body of research which points to a different conclusion I would be very interested to read it. Lets keep to the facts and stay off the personal attacks shall we?

    Point of clarification: I never said I would only call her once a week, I was responding to a poster’s inference which suggested that “calling on a regular basis” meant calling once a day. What I actually suggested was that once a week was also on a regular basis, (regular does not mean frequent) not that I wanted to call once a week.

    To : Selena thank you for your perspective. It was very helpful. I encourage mores postings such as this. Rational, sincere, no personal attacks.

37. Nelson Mar 18th 2008 at 05:18 am 37

    Women and men in committed relationships have a need to feel loved. I, like you, was not a proponent of calling just to call or to call everyday. But then I recently met someone more aligned with my interests, ideals, and thoughts. I found myself enjoying our conversations. It started out slow, feeling each other out but after just 1 month, we call each other every day, sometimes 3 times a day. We have started what I hope is a lifelong conversation. We never run out of things to talk about. We just click and have a really strong connection. It doesn’t sound like you and your gf click in that manner. To give you some insight into what I am like, I am highly independent, very laid back, and the generally quiet, thoughtful as some have called it, brooding, silent type. But now I have met my true match, she is the same and it is a genuine pleasure sharing thoughts and just seeing how our days are going and getting new ideas that feed other ideas. It’s just fun to call each other and it feels good. It’s what a relationship is all about. When you’re dialed into your partner, the relationship and communication is effortless. If you have to struggle to find things to talk about, then perhaps it’s time to move on.

38. jonquil Mar 18th 2008 at 12:00 pm 38

    I see this question was originally answered last October. Perhaps, Hadley, if you’re still not inclined to call your girlfriend more frequently -after 5 additional months of dialoging with the blogosphere – as opposed to having the genuine desire to share ideas/day’s stories with her – your relationship is not meant to be.

    Other posters seem to also be suggesting that you choose a girlfriend to whom you can relate more.

39. pericles May 27th 2008 at 09:34 pm 39

    Wait, stop, desist! The “If you really loved me” is NOT a line. It’s a simple fact. That girl is pointing out the obvious. Look, folks, I was married for 22 years; if he really loves you, yes, he calls every day. Every day (underlined). More than once a day, if he needs to talk to you because you are the one person he shares everything with.

    When you REALLY love someone, you crave contact with them, over the little things and the big ones. That’s just the way a real relationship works. Anything less than that may very well be love, but it’s not felt or experienced the same way by the two people. If it’s just “dating,” then maybe the level of commitment isn’t as high; but don’t call what this girl wants somehow manipulative. She wants what anyone in love wants: connection. If he can’t give her that, they really are on different tracks, and he needs to realise it before she gets really hurt.

40. cntrygrl Jul 18th 2008 at 08:40 am 40

    I read all that was posted, I am also having this same issue with my BF. He does not like to talk on the phone and does not call everyday, somedays i worry and blow things way out of proportion, the other days when i get to see him he makes me feel loved and needed and desired and tells me that he thinks of me all the time. It is his way of letting me know that i am important without the calls, Yes i would love to have 2 min call at night or even during the day, and Yes it makes my day brighter and i am more secure that he does think about me. I do not want to say that “all women” feel the same but in my opinion we as women need that contact, we need to hear your voice, we need to know you think of us as much as we think of you. So…Hadley, just pick up the phone and say HI it wont hurt you as much as you think. It will make your GF a happier more secure person and when you dont get a chance to call, then tell her how much you thought about her during the day and wished you couldve called. It helps, experience talking GF that doesnt get called either =(

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