How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend?
Hi Evan,
Firstly. I have very much been enjoying your "Advice from a Single Dating Expert" forum. It’s very helpful to get a moderated forum from an expert. And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.
OK question. My girlfriend of one year wants to talk to me on the phone every day. To me it feels like I am checking in with my mom. I say "no way, it pushes my buttons". She says "If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to". Evan, since you have dealt with many daters and have some perspective, Where is this phone call frequency on the range of daters who call each other?
I know it seems nuts, the woman is otherwise great for me, but I can’t get past this feeling.
–Hadley
Dear Hadley,
Thanks for your kind words about my readers. I would have to agree that they’re a smart bunch. They ask tough questions and are open to challenging answers.
Which leads me to the very predictable portion of today’s blog where I challenge you.
So you have this girlfriend who you’ve been with you for a year. Your constant source of tension is that she wants to talk to you every day. You don’t want to do this because it makes you feel like checking in with your mom.
Got it.
Hadley, my friend… If relationships are about compromise, what exactly is it costing you to talk to your girlfriend every day? That’s right. Nothing. The only thing it’s costing you is “being right”. And that’s where most couples stumble. We want to be right. We want to tell our partners how it is – what we do, what we don’t do, how we’re not going to be bossed around. And what for? So your amazing girlfriend can feel insecure that her boyfriend of a year doesn’t really love her? How does this arrangement possibly help you?
Think of it as simple cost/benefit analysis.
Time it costs you to call her to say good night and ask about her day: Ten minutes.
Time it costs you to argue about not wanting to do this simple task: a lot more than that.
Women crave connection. And until you’ve got a ring on her finger and are signing your marriage contracts, it’s very reasonable for her to be concerned about the health of your relationship. The way to reassure her? Constant contact, constant communication, constant affection, constant talk of the future. Let any one of those things go for a day or a week, and I get a letter from her saying, “I’ve been seeing this guy for a year and I think he loves me but doesn’t want to talk to me as much as I’d like.” And you know what my answer to her would be?
If he can’t see fit to accommodate you by calling you every day, he probably doesn’t love you that much.
It may be annoying, Hadley, but it’s a small, small price to pay for a healthy relationship. Pick up the phone and let her know you’re turning over a new leaf.
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76 Comments »Filed Under Dating, Sex
Michael 1
First, keep in mind that after one year, you two are no longer “daters.” You’re in more or less a committed relationship, and if you don’t want that you had better tell her so. This is about the time where she’ll want to know where your relationship is going (or at least that it’s moving forward), so make sure you’ve thought about that.
But if you DO want to stay in this relationship, keep in mind that when she calls you, that “counts” as the “call of the day.” (If she never calls you but expects you to call her every day, well, there’s an underlying issue there you may need to address.)
If you’ve been with a woman for a year, you two certainly must always have some kind of plan in the works, or something that’s going on in your life or hers that might require a question or discussion – talking regularly shouldn’t need to be like, “um, so, er, how’s it going?”
Use these calls to get to know your girlfriend – it not only makes her feel more cared-for, as Marc says, but when you really pay attention, you’ll get information that can be valuable to you – she’ll feel like like you really “get” her, and, that can pay off big in, say, the bedroom.
SWF42 2
The girlfriend uses the “if you loved me you would….” line and that’s okay???!!???
Once he starts calling her every day, because she said he has to, what else is she going to demand he do…if he loves her?
Geez, ‘girlfriend,’ manipulate much?
Sue 3
“Women crave connection.” You’ve hit the topic right on the head. It’s a man/woman difference thing.
I can’t speak for *every* woman, but I’ll bet this fits for most. Reassure us with that good night call, check in to see how our day went, just to say hi and you were thinking of us, and it will relieve *a lot* of insecurities. Get rid of those insecurities and you’ll see more of real woman you want to get to know better – if that’s your long term goal in the relationship.
Have a short and sweet conversation and leave us smiling. Michael’s right, there might be great returns on the investment.
Please don’t do this to play a head game
mrs. vee 4
I think what we’re seeing is a fundamental difference starting to reveal itself here. It seems to me, Hadley, that you and your girlfriend differ in terms of how integrated into each others’ lives you think a couple oughtta to be.
By my experience, this is the sort of thing that starts small and then snowballs into larger issues surrounding commitment and readiness for marriage.
Underlying her demands to talk with you everyday is a standard of togetherness she may have in her mind. If she’s at all marriage-minded, she’s holding an ideal picture in her head of you coming home to her each day, talking about the goods and bads of the day’s events, and making mundane decisions together in marital bliss. That’s the yardstick she may be using to measure the health of your relationship and looking for interactions that have that sort of flavor to them.
If, on the other hand, you think your relationship is great exactly where it is right now – and I’d venture to guess it’s one where you “hang out” well with each other; she’s like a a good buddy who looks good on your arm and you have great sex together – well that’s a perfectly accepptable attitude for a guy to have. Except that you and your girlfriend don’t share the same perception of the relationship. She wants to maneuver the relationship to fit her ideals, while you want to do what it takes to maintain status quo.
So really, I’d say follow Evan’s advice only if your intent is to get closer to your girlfriend in the longterm sense that she presumably hopes for. If that’s something you want too, then recognize the act of calling her every day as a means to achieve that end rather than a chore. If however, you really think that having to talk to her every day is a drag, then I can only imagine how the thought of coming home to her every day must be unthinkable for you. Then I’d say consider letting her go out of fairness to her. You can’t change her either.
Andrea 5
I somehow got through almost 31 years before I heard the following advice, passed to me by someone who’d heard it from their father:
“Would you rather be happy or would you rather be right?”
Daily calls could merely be reassurance to her, or cozy habit. If it makes her feel better, just do it.
It does bother me that she says, “If you really loved me you would want to rather than feel like you have to” and I can see why that would make you want to do the opposite. The “If you really loved me” line is bullshit. Logically, one’s love does not hinge one one item. If a guy pulled that on me I’d call him on that bullshit before reassuring him.
(Though I’m not sure that a guy would say it. If he did he’d lose man credibility, prompting me to mock him with, “Are you now the girl in this relationship??” But anyway…)
To answer Hadley’s question regarding “phone call frequency”: We all have our own needs. No one’s needs matter but your girlfriend’s. Comparing is pointless.
My Ghillie » How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend? 6
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BeenThruTheWars 7
If your girlfriend were a friend of mine and someone who would willingly take advice, I would ask her to read “The Art of War for Lovers” — and learn from it how and why to contain her insecurities, to give you some space and independence, and to make sure she continues to maintain her own life and interests. Even if you two do get married in a year or so, she will need to do that to avoid becoming a clinging violet and driving you out to spend more time with the boys than with her. I would also hand her “Mars and Venus on a Date” to read, so she understands the stages of dating you’re moving through and why she’s turning you off and creating conflict with this “demand” you are justifiably resisting. I suspect that if she stopped asking you to call, cold turkey, and just got busy and seemed happy with her life and with you and what you give her, things would relax between you and you would find yourself WANTING to call her every day, twice on Sunday. It wouldn’t feel like an obligation anymore, it would feel like something you were choosing to do out of love. It would bring you closer, whereas her current behavior is driving a wedge between you. I’d also have her read the original “Men Are from Mars… ” book to understand how she is smothering you with her neediness.
This is why I am such an advocate of The Rules and John Gray; their approaches help a woman understand that the more you can accommodate a man’s need for independence by not pressuring or clinging to him, the more he wants to move toward you and the more you get the desired behavior of more affection/contact. The majority of women really don’t get that, and it’s sad because it causes so much conflict in otherwise sound relationships.
I’ve only used the “If you really loved me… ” line in the context of over the top humor, as in, “If you really loved me, you’d end the fighting in the Middle East.” It’s a deadly line to use in a serious context, right up there with “You always” and “You never.” Just bad form.
I wish you both luck, and if this is the only problem between the two of you at the one year mark (and such a solvable problem with a bit of attitude adjustment on her part) you should have many happy years in front of you.
Maybe you could try the following script with her: “Babe, I do love you, a LOT. I think about you all the time. I’m crazy about you. I just don’t always pick up a phone to prove it, but that doesn’t mean anything is wrong or that I love you any less. It just means I’m off doing ‘guy stuff.’ Don’t take it personally if I forget to call sometimes. If you want me to call every day, I will — but it makes me feel like I’m checking in with the warden and it’s creating some resentment which isn’t cool, so if you will work with me on this one, I promise I will do my best to let you know how cherished you are when we do talk. How do you feel about that?” Not “what do you think” but “how do you feel” (wording is important). And see what she says. Try to get to the root of where her intractable demand is coming from — is it really insecurity or are there some control issues; or are other people telling her that you “need” to call her every day because that’s what their husbands did, etc.? See if you can get to the bottom of 1) why she does it, 2) what need of hers is going unfulfilled by giving you a little more alone time once in a while, 3) what you can do to fill that need without having resentment build up inside you. If you’re mature enough to be together for a year, you’re mature enough to have a loving, two-way dialogue like this.
Damie 8
I dunno. Anytime I’ve ever had a guy get irritated because he felt he had to do something out of obligation it was a sign things weren’t right. And that’s not to say they couldn’t GET right, but if you are feeling like she’s your mom because she wants you to call just wait til she starts asking you to pick up your socks or do the dishes.
Susie 9
Another option: call when you know she can’t answer, just to say hi. She’ll know you were thinking about her, but you won’t really be checking in. Maybe I’m just not that feminine, but I don’t feel like I need to talk to the guy I’m dating every day. On the other hand, I like getting a good morning email from him. I know he’s thinking of me, but we both are busy. I know he likes getting to work and finding a good night/ good morning email I sent late the night before.
On the other hand, you have to do what works for both of you. Since the daily phone call is something she apparently needs, you’ll have to suck it up or she’ll continue to be unhappy. It soulds like she’s taking that unhappiness out on you, so it’s really to your benefit to call. (“If you really loved me…” is playing dirty, in my book.)
And please, please, please, BeenThruTheWars, throw out The Rules and John Gray! The Rules are an arbitrary system of manipulation for women to use to play “hard-to-get”, and John Gray is painfully reductionist. One size does not fit all, and too many self-help books assume that all women are one way, and all men are another. Complexity and variety are what makes the world interesting.
Andrea 10
Susie said:
“…I dont feel like I need to talk to the guy Im dating every day. On the other hand, I like getting a good morning email from him. I know hes thinking of me, but we both are busy. I know he likes getting to work and finding a good night/ good morning email I sent late the night before.”
I’ll validate that. I’m the same way. I get used to regular emails and regular back and forth during the day as time permits but daily phone calls don’t work for me.
Also, I’m one of those people who needs a purpose for a phone call, and something to discuss. “‘How are you?’ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you?’ ‘Fine, thank.’ ‘*awkward silence while we think about discussion topics*’ doesn’t work for me. I even sometimes tell my mother, after phone silence, “Um, did you have something you want to discuss, or…?” and her and I speak a few times a week.
(For the record, I also don’t like the “Whatcha thinking?” question.
)
Jill 11
Andrea – “For the record, I also dont like the Whatcha thinking? question.” Oh yeah I HATE that one! I have way too many scattered thoughts per moment to be able to choose an appropriate one with which to answer!
Evan Marc Katz 12
Since you guys brought it up, please go to Chemistry.com and check out their Great Mate Debate where I’m blogging about this very question this week: “Why do men hate it when women ask, ‘What are you thinking?’
My answer should be up on Monday or Tuesday
http://chemistry.typepad.com/the_great_mate_debate/
Your comments on the Chemistry piece are greatly appreciated.
Andrea 13
Heh.
I brought up “Whatcha thinking” to be cheeky because it seems like a “typical girl” move that a lot of us women can’t stand.
It reminds me of a scene in Gilmore Girls that I once saw. In it, Lorelei explained her “million thoughts a minute” thought process (though didn’t refer to it as such). It was basically a mental tangent in which one though leads to another to another until there have been many thoughts in a short time span and the final thought has absolutely nothing to do with the first and there’s no way to even explain them all in a logical manner or without sounding crazy. It was funny, and so, so true. Sounds like Jill knows what I’m talking about.
Kat Wilder 14
I agree with BeenThruTheWars … to a point. That Mars/Venus stuff is too pop psych for me (and Mr. Gray lives round these parts.)
Your approach — to have an honest dialog — is a great one. One, because she can hear how her demand makes you feel (whe probably isn’t aware of that), two, you can express yourself in a safe, loving space and three, because it opens up communication on expectations. This is huge because if you do eventually marry, expectations seem to multiply like bunnies. Better to start off with an established pattern of being open and honest with each other than doing something to please the other while building up resentments.
True, it isn’t much to call because you know it pleases her. And, true, you should be very clear about why you hesitate to do that because she wants you to (like mom), or because you just don’t want to do it. But talking about it honestly is the way to a much healthier relationship.
downtowngal 15
Finally a good question from a guy about a really good relationship topic. I hear from guys they’re always wondering what makes women happy – well, here’s a woman telling Hadley what she wants. And if he’s unsure then perhaps he should evaluate what he wants.
Women like attention. Even if it’s a short, sweet email, it means more to us than no contact for a couple of days. When she says “If you loved me you would….” she’s questioning whether you are truly committed to the relationship or to fulfilling her needs.
Ongoing contact demonstrates to her that you’re committed to supporting her emotional needs, something women value as an integral component of intimacy.
Jenny 16
Stop worrying about checking in with your girlfriend, and get some real dialogue going with her about it and get to the bottom of it. Then do check in with your real mom and see if that has something to do with your worries.
lilly 17
ooooo am having this issue with my boyfriend right now actually – yeah i just want to know im being thought about and loved. yes we ARE insecure and if we feel totally loved then e wouldnt need the calls maybe. well done for posting the wuestion – maybe il forwardd it to my boyfriend.
Lyn 18
I agree with connectedness —we want to feel connected — but personally, a 5 minute, a 2 minute call … (at least for me) that says “hey baby i know i am not into calling everyday — but i at least wanted to say i am thinking about you ” beats a half hour, or an hour conversation. Because, that, in my opinion, is connectedness. An every other day 20/30/40 minute call, is normal, and expected. With all due respect, the whole “if you love me you’d call me EVERY DAY” is emotional manipulation. At least, if a guy said that to me, I would feel manipulated, and would be turned off. Nonetheless, not everyone feels that way….
James 19
I now know why my girlfriend wasn’t impressed when I called 2 hours later than expected. I had no idea. My feelings for her couldn’t possibly change in 24 hours, so I feel a little gobsmacked if it means she thinks they could. However, if it makes her happy I’ll try to phone every day. I’d best set the alarm on my mobile though!
Collectively, thanks for your various perspectives, I hope it works out for you all.
Jessica 20
I’m surprised that no one other than Evan commented on Hadley’s supposition that “And the folks who post seem to be halfway intelligent.” Halfway, huh? ; )
The words “supposed to” in his question really say it all. No one is eager to do something they are supposed to do or have to do versus something they want to do. Need to do is a gray area as it can be both a want to, and a have to. Those of you who suggested ways he could make it a genuine want or to his benefit, all gave good advice in my opinion. As did the people who said it shouldn’t have to be part of a caveat … Just his girlfriend stating her wishes, needs and wants and then Hadley deciding if he can and will meet them in accordance with his own wishes, needs and wants. Compromise is underrated and under practiced, but it is a very necessary component of a working relationship as is real communication. I hope you all found a resolution to this issue Hadley – one that worked for both of you.
Hadley Paige 21
Jessica writes “Compromise is underrated and under practiced, but it is a very necessary component of a working relationship”
Compromise. Yes, its an important element of a successful relationship. But depending on the expectations of the parties to the “negotiations”, the resulting compromise is not necessarily satisfying for either party. And the cumulative effect of all the compromises may land both parties in the middle of nowhere.
Modern American women expect/demand more from their significant others than in the past. That is bc (statistically speaking) they are making more money/have more options/live in a society with a bigger social safety net/are more independent than in the past. They need men less (if at all) for support/protection. Thus emotional satisfaction takes a much larger share of the “what I want from him in order to make me happy” pie. Expecting/demanding more means (I infer) that less men will succeed (If I understand the average guy) in meeting these expectations.
Broadly speaking women love to talk. Men don’t. (ave daily spoken word: women approx 20K; men 7K) Personally, I am tired of talking (and talking and talking) and compromising on seemingly everything. What I want is a woman who (i) largely accepts me as I am; (ii) is happy (or at least content) to get from me what I am willing to give; and (iii) (unless its REALLY important to her) leaves me alone about the seemingly endless minor issues.
J 22
Negotiations are for business deals and piece treaties. If compromising is turning into major negotiations, then you are right Hadley, it is a lot of work and probably too much work. It shouldn’t be that hard most of the time if a relationship is working and equitable – for both of you. Not that you don’t have to work on it and even, at it, sometimes and do so throughout to keep it not just going, but strong. If it is too hard most of the time, then it isn’t good. If it requires constant whatever, then it probably isn’t solid either. Or, if one or both people FEELS like it is constant compromise, constant struggle, constant criticism or whatever, then for them, it is too much (not worth what that individual is getting out of it – or what they feel they are sacrificing or not getting out of it) because it isn’t within the range that person feels is desirable or acceptable as to his or her personal definition(s)/requirements of what a relationship or marriage or whatever should be – then it isn’t, whether the other person feels that way or not. You won’t always agree or want the same things, or have equal give and take. Still have to at least have compatible ideas and expectations more often than not, or it does come down to negotiating – where one person theoretically seems to win and one loses. And I think that would kind of suck.
downtowngal 23
Hadly: “Modern American women expect/demand more from their significant others than in the past.”
..compared to when? And what does having careers or money have to do with it? If anything it would make us LESS demanding from a material standpoint, but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been.
So that said, what exactly are women in this country demanding from relationships than our mothers did in their time? If my dad ignored my mother I doubt I they would have lasted 40 years and had 2 kids.
If you consider calling your girlfriend on a regular basis too demanding then perhaps you should consider whether being in a relationship is the right thing for you.
Hadley Paige 24
Downtown girl writes: “what does having careers or money have to do with it? If anything it would make us LESS demanding from a material standpoint, but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been.
You have a point. I now clarify what I meant to say. Modern women are perhaps less demanding in the material realm, but I believe are much more demanding in the emotional realm.
“but the emotional component is still the key element as it has always been”.
I must respectfully disagree with this observation. The notion of romatic love being the woman’s primary (key) basis for marriage is a relatively modern one. Woman have historically chosen husbands primarily based upon the man’s ability to provide for them and their children and the man’s ability to protect them. Of course the man had to be kind, but being primarily motivated by love was viewed as misguided and unwise.
There is a fairly direct correlation between women’s full legal integration into society (last 100 yrs or so) (as well as the growth of the socialist state which provides a substatial social safety net to catch women and their children who discover that for whatever reason they don’t want to be with their husband) and the degree to which women emphasize love as the primary basis for marriage over the good provider/protector role.
“what exactly are women in this country demanding from relationships than our mothers did in their time?” The difference between you and your mother is probably not that great in terms of your priorities with respect to the husbands you seek and what they can provide to you. But if you look at your grandmother and great grandmother the difference (i believe) would be readily apparent.
“If you consider calling your girlfriend on a regular basis too demanding then perhaps you should consider whether being in a relationship is the right thing for you.” Regular basis is not exactly the the point. Calling every day is what I was talking about. Once a week is also “on regular basis”.
SO downtown girl, It sounds like you believe I am misguided for wanting and waiting for a woman who is content with what I got to offer and am willing to give. Do you?
downtowngal 25
Hadley P: “The difference between you and your mother is probably not that great in terms of your priorities with respect to the husbands you seek and what they can provide to you. But if you look at your grandmother and great grandmother the difference (i believe) would be readily apparent. ”
Actually both sets of my grandparents have been married for years and were much in love until they died. I remember both of my grandmothers telling me stories of how they fell in love; and both gave me advice on not settling for someone who doesn’t show me the attention I deserve.
Years ago many women stayed in unhappy marriages because they had little choice economically. And many still do today.
If you find the woman of your dreams and she’s ok with hearing from you once per week than I wish you the best of luck.
Selena 26
If some guy only called me once a week, I wouldn’t consider him my boyfriend–I consider him” the guy who calls me once a week”. Oh, Hadley’s on the phone, it must be Friday.
Both my grandmothers married for love and they would be over 100 yrs. old now if they were still living. Though I don’t see what the reason grandmothers and great-grandmothers married has to do with someone who wants to talk to her boyfriend everyday. What’s up with all the Sociology 101 on these threads?
yuki 27
Hadley, you sound an awful lot like verbosity. Hmmm.
Note to self: avoid the ad hominemnemum.
I too hope you find yourself a nice girl content with your arrangement.
I trust you realize how rare it is to find a woman with the emotional make-up you require.
Both my grandmothers – and great-granny too- married for love. I couldn’t tell what point you were trying to advance anyway.
Hadley Paige 28
To: Downtowngirl; Selena: Yuki
Yuki: “I couldnt tell what point you were trying to advance anyway.” The point I was trying to make was that women today place greater emotional demands upon their men than historically.
Logical note to Downtowngirl; Selena: Yuki : The fact that all of you know ancestors who say (not necessarily true, and possibly colored by the passage of time) they married primarily for love is anecdotal.The stated results of your interviews in no way contradict my general assertion that historically ( don’t really mean the last 50 years), women (by which I imply a meaningful majority) marrying primarily for love was unusual.
Yuki: The fact that Verbosity & I sound similar is bc (I think) that we are both lawyers who are trained to think logically and rationally, rather than viscerally arrive at opinions. Lawyers tend to understand Logic better and hence are more aware of logical fallacies and pitfalls. (Like the logical flaw of a small sample size (your parents and grandparents) leading to an inductively arrived at general statement of observation>>e.g. most women married historically married for love.
Selena: ” what’s up w sociology 101?” In order for one to understand if one’s behavior is reasonable or not, it is useful to have a societal context with which to compare it to. No?
verbosity 29
Interesting points. BTW, Yuki, Hadley P & downtowngal had a nice, very civil exchange of different views which they clarified. I’d suggest you actually look up what ad hominem means on Wiki so you’ll know it when you see it.
There are a couple of tensions I see here…SWF42 mention mentioned manipulation (if you really loved me…”) as a factor. Others mentioned craving connection as a factor.
I think people of both sexes who are happy about themselves and self-assured do not really have this issue. There would be no need to demand that someone call you daily, particularly if they already do not enjoy it. I think once per week, particularly if you are ‘exclusive’ is also probably a bit too long of a pause also. I share SWF’s view on this though. Something doesn’t smell right with that tactic.
verbosity 30
Also, the thought just occurred…
He could say “If you really loved me you’d respect what I’ve told you about checking in with my mom. Love and respect are 2 way streets. You can’t have 1 without the other”
By the way, his gut’s telling him something is off about this girl and this insecure (dare I say immature?) demand. He should listen to it.
J 31
Neither one of the two people should be saying, “If you really loved me” and then issuing a challenge or an ultimatum as in “then you’d do or say …”. That has nothing to do with love and a lot to do with guilt, manipulation, and insecurity and/or a need or desire to control someone else. The idea is to find someone else who has the same ideas about what people do, say and feel (for the most part) when they like and/or love and/or respect someone else (hopefully, all three) in a true partnership – where you are in it together. Or at least, find someone whose ideas are not incompatible with yours = again for the most part. Negotiating is for business and international piece treaties and bartering for better prices in flea, and other, markets. And it often takes center stage in divorce proceedings too. Oh, and back when women were regarded mostly as property, chattel, brood mares and/or a way to either restore or increase ones fortune with their accompanying dowry and arranged marriages were primarily the norm (as way to again build alliances, increase wealth and propagate the familial line and influence), negotiation was probably pretty big then too. This would also be a time when women placed far less emotional demands on men because what they thought and felt was completely inconsequential and their rights as individuals were pretty much non-existent for the majority of them. Women were often nothing more than property for centuries in many cultures. To be had or disposed of at the will and whim of their legal guardian – their husband. Back then, men often saw the girl as the wallet (if had lost their fortune for whatever reason) regardless of what she did or didn’t look like and also picked her if she looked like a good breeder. That was the way it is – like it or lump it or you know, join a convent : ) Women want more emotionally, physically, mentally, career-wise – because we can and because it is out there to be had. With the right man or men (over time) who want similar things to a similar degree or at least have compatible wants, needs and goals – to ours. Surely those of you who don’t want to have to talk to their girlfriends more than once a week, can find a girl who is cool with that. The rest of us who want and need more contact with our S.O. will keep looking for the man who is into us enough and enough on the same wavelength to be in touch more and to a comparable degree and frequency of communication as we ourselves put forth and desire. This seems like it would be very easy to understand, but very hard to find. Not sure why someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Though again, if you ask “How often should I call” or “do I have to…”, that is off to me as it means you are saying it is because you have to and not want to. If you find that you “have to do” a bunch of stuff a lot of the time to keep a partner (whether you are male or female), then it is too much work, too much pressure and it isn’t really working for you or them well. Find someone who fits.
the last word 32
Hadley, you asked Evan a question, he gave you his advice, as did everyone else on this board, yet it sounds as if you’re still set in your ways.
best of luck dude.
Hadley Paige 33
To: the last word: ” actually commentary aside in my initial post to Evan I asked “Where is this phone call frequency [once a day] on the range of daters who call each other?
While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still haven’t heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired).
As I posted above “In order for one to understand if ones behavior is reasonable or not, it is useful to have a societal context with which to compare it to. No?”
Selena 34
Hadley,
I don’t know how you can define typical, since this is subjective and IS based on what individuals consider appropriate and desireable. My experience has been that someone who is very interested calls every day. Certainly a *boyfriend* does, and often more than once a day if we are making plans to have dinner together or otherwise meet that night.
There have been a couple men I dated casually, and what was typical in those situations was calling 1-3 times a week to say “Hi” and/or make plans together for the week-end. Those ‘relationships’ in my case, always proved to be fairly short-lived–so for me, typical in frequency of calling is directly related to closeness, exclusivity, being “a couple”.
Others related factors though, can involve what type of work, hours a person has–if they even CAN call, and if personal calls during work hours are discouraged. And certainly people who have a routine of seeing each other every night might not find phone calls beforehand even necessary.
Is this the type of answer you were looking for?
the last word, II 35
Hadley: “While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still havent heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired).”
dude, based on your letter, your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you can’t be bothered so you’re trying to benchmark the ‘reasonableness’ of her request by repeatedy asking or making up cockamamie junk social science about how women are supposedly more demanding now than years ago because you don’t want to call your gf more than 1x per week.
like evan said, would you rather be happy or right? sounds like the latter.
Hadley Paige 36
To the last word II:
“your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you cant be bothered…”
It seems like you feel that once the gf has expressed what she wants I must then do it or then (by your lights) be considered wrong or at least inadequately attentive. If I understand your inference correctly, I must disagree with you.
Yes, I am trying to benchmark my behavior as to where I fall relative to everyone else. Do you feel that that is a misguided thing to do? Isn’t the determination of whether a behavior is appropriate or inappropriate a societal construct?
“Sounds like you can’t be bothered so you’re. . . making up cockamamie junk social science. . .
Sound like you’ve got a bit of an agenda here. Do you have any support for your view that I have made up “cockamamie junk science”; or is it that you just don’t like the perspective and therefor discredit the theory? I would be very interested to read any reputable study you may have access to that suggests otherwise. I am not attached to my theory, I just happen to believe, based upon what I have read, that I am correct. If you have a body of research which points to a different conclusion I would be very interested to read it. Lets keep to the facts and stay off the personal attacks shall we?
Point of clarification: I never said I would only call her once a week, I was responding to a poster’s inference which suggested that “calling on a regular basis” meant calling once a day. What I actually suggested was that once a week was also on a regular basis, (regular does not mean frequent) not that I wanted to call once a week.
To : Selena thank you for your perspective. It was very helpful. I encourage mores postings such as this. Rational, sincere, no personal attacks.
Nelson 37
Women and men in committed relationships have a need to feel loved. I, like you, was not a proponent of calling just to call or to call everyday. But then I recently met someone more aligned with my interests, ideals, and thoughts. I found myself enjoying our conversations. It started out slow, feeling each other out but after just 1 month, we call each other every day, sometimes 3 times a day. We have started what I hope is a lifelong conversation. We never run out of things to talk about. We just click and have a really strong connection. It doesn’t sound like you and your gf click in that manner. To give you some insight into what I am like, I am highly independent, very laid back, and the generally quiet, thoughtful as some have called it, brooding, silent type. But now I have met my true match, she is the same and it is a genuine pleasure sharing thoughts and just seeing how our days are going and getting new ideas that feed other ideas. It’s just fun to call each other and it feels good. It’s what a relationship is all about. When you’re dialed into your partner, the relationship and communication is effortless. If you have to struggle to find things to talk about, then perhaps it’s time to move on.
jonquil 38
I see this question was originally answered last October. Perhaps, Hadley, if you’re still not inclined to call your girlfriend more frequently -after 5 additional months of dialoging with the blogosphere – as opposed to having the genuine desire to share ideas/day’s stories with her – your relationship is not meant to be.
Other posters seem to also be suggesting that you choose a girlfriend to whom you can relate more.
pericles 39
Wait, stop, desist! The “If you really loved me” is NOT a line. It’s a simple fact. That girl is pointing out the obvious. Look, folks, I was married for 22 years; if he really loves you, yes, he calls every day. Every day (underlined). More than once a day, if he needs to talk to you because you are the one person he shares everything with.
When you REALLY love someone, you crave contact with them, over the little things and the big ones. That’s just the way a real relationship works. Anything less than that may very well be love, but it’s not felt or experienced the same way by the two people. If it’s just “dating,” then maybe the level of commitment isn’t as high; but don’t call what this girl wants somehow manipulative. She wants what anyone in love wants: connection. If he can’t give her that, they really are on different tracks, and he needs to realise it before she gets really hurt.
cntrygrl 40
I read all that was posted, I am also having this same issue with my BF. He does not like to talk on the phone and does not call everyday, somedays i worry and blow things way out of proportion, the other days when i get to see him he makes me feel loved and needed and desired and tells me that he thinks of me all the time. It is his way of letting me know that i am important without the calls, Yes i would love to have 2 min call at night or even during the day, and Yes it makes my day brighter and i am more secure that he does think about me. I do not want to say that “all women” feel the same but in my opinion we as women need that contact, we need to hear your voice, we need to know you think of us as much as we think of you. So…Hadley, just pick up the phone and say HI it wont hurt you as much as you think. It will make your GF a happier more secure person and when you dont get a chance to call, then tell her how much you thought about her during the day and wished you couldve called. It helps, experience talking GF that doesnt get called either =(
Schadenfreudian 41
I detect a control freak. Are you absolutely sure you can live with those ultimatums? Everything you find mildly irritating now will explode into bona fide shitbombs after married, especially with children.
Sadia 42
Okay Hadley, it seems to me that you are veering wildly off topic in some of your posts. What I got from the original letter was basically this: 1)You’ve had this girlfriend for one year.
2) She wants you to call everyday, but you don’t want to.
So let me just ask this, how often do you call her now? Is it much less frequently than once a day?
I only ask because as a woman, I want to understand the frequency of calls that guys, or at least you, find acceptable.
In my experience, I have encountered two types of guys:
1) the guy who doesn’t call enough but when confronted will swear on his mother’s grave that you mean the world to him and that he shouldn’t have to prove his affection with a phone call
2) the guy who takes 2 min. of his time every day to check on his gf. It needn’t be a long, sentimental conversation, it could be just to say good night. Whatever it is, it shows that he cares or he is thinking of me.
Personally, I would want the second guy. Because at the end of the day, I wanna know that he cares about me and I don’t just want to have to take his word for it!
But back to your original problem: it seems to me that part of the issue is your dishonesty with yourself. Do you really love this girl? If you’re saying yes, then ask yourself why a simple request from her annoys you. When we care about someone, we WANT to do things that’ll make them happy instead of finding reasons for why they shouldn’t want those things in the first place! If you can’t and don’t want to give her what she needs, it means that she is not worth as much to you as you may think, and for your sake and hers, you should just let the girl go!
Interesting 43
Hadley, I don’t see what the issue is. It isnt like G-d forbid, your girlfriend will lose her voice. You want a girl that talks less, one that doesn’t remind you of communication with your mother, so leave this girl alone, so she kind find someone better than YOU.
If you want a female who is willing to be happy with once a week after a year of dating you. Then date someone who isn’t in touch with her emotions. Date someone who doesn’t view communication as a necessity in relationships. Date someone who is perhaps cold. Date someone that rather talk to anyone but you. Date someone who doesn’t want to be exclusive and you can be part of her juggling around talk schedule.
HAdley Paige 44
Here is the wrap-up to the relationship that inspired the original question.
The relationship lasted almost 3 years. It ended when I went away for two weeks. I didn’t call her for 4 days. When I did call she was very upset w me. I told her that when I go away I want to feel like I am away and I don’t feel like I am away if I call her every day. I said that I want to miss her and I don’t miss her if I talk to her every day. Well, that was it.
It seemed very upsetting to me at the time. But we all have our hot button issues that seem not so important to observers but are very important to us. I feel you need to take the person as they are. No one is going to change substantially. And there are always issues. So either make you peace w the issues that show up w the person or you move on.
Now I am in a new relationship w a woman I met a few months after the breakup. She is also great in her own unique and very different way. (and, yes there are a few issues). The phone call issue was present again BUT the compromise we arrived at was that we text to each other a few times during the week.
She appreciates the fact that I have to spend a lot of time on the phone (I am a lawyer) and in light of that, the last thing I want to do is chit chat on the phone. For me the phone is a tool. You get on, you convey the info that needs to be conveyed and then you get off. I am happy to spend hours chit-chating in person; and we do that as we spend the weekends together. And she hears that I don’t like “just checking in”. I think she heard it bc up front I warned her that a number of my relationships ended around this issue and if she can’t make her peace w it, it ain’t going to work. So 17 months into the relationship it seems to be working.
Moral of the story for me? If the woman I am with is incapable of accepting that there things that are important to me that she can’t wrap her head around & she won’t accommodate them (I try to keep the list very short), then I need someone else.
Bottom line for me is: I will accept you with all your quirks and preferences. I will never force you to do something you don’t want to do & I will make my piece with it. In exchange don’t force me to do stuff I don’t want to do.
ditto59 45
This is a very important question. if a relationship will work, its totally based on communication. My boyfriend of five months and I are going through this phase right now. When we frist met, we used to talk atleast thrice everyday at an hr length most of the time each. My policy is dont start something you cant finish. Whatever you start a relationship with make sure you start with something you can stick by for a long time atleast till you put a ring on our finger guys; cos as soon as there is a slight change we start wondering if you are hiding something or you are loosing interest in the relationship.
I understant things kinna sizzle down in a new relationship as time goes on but it should never be sudden without talking about it like ” honey, you know the job i do is driving wk so i can be arrested if i keep being on the phone whiles driving so lets cut the calls to twice a day etc and pls dont be offended if its not a long conversation…..” something like that will make all of our lives sooooo much easier.
Now he only calls me ones a day in the morning every morning between 7 and 7.30am and thats quite about it. I would call him twice between 11 and 5pm at four hour intervals hoping for him to call back but he never does and most of the time i dont hear from him till the next day at 7am and that makes me feel very ignored and knowing that his ex wants him back and he being normal friends with her still just makes me feel very insecured. We have had a big talk about it and its seems he is sorry, he hasnt made any major efforts to change that attitude and i almost feel like retaliating now not calling him and or visiting him atall for a while to have a taste of his own medicine but im afraid it will lead to the end of our relationship. Mind you we only see echother once and thats fridays.
To me, communicating with your otherhalf during the cause of the day really should be every couple’s automatic chore just like brushing your teech each morning. Nobody tells you to do that, you just do it. so that if your spouse dont hear from you twice out of the three times you talk, they will immidiately know something might be wrong not only to the relationship, but also you may be in trouble like accidents, or missing or trouble with the law etc. and within a certain time if they dont hear from yuo still they will start to look for you which can very well save a life. Doesnt happen often but wait till it happens to you.
To me, any healthy relationship wheather being married or just dating should never make calling eachother thrice a day be a big issue cos i dont think people who says they love eachother should ever get tiered of communicating. cos communication is really the only link between love and sex so where there is no communication, things can rather turn soar very fast if your relationship is not very strong. so guys my rule is lets alternate, call her in the morning, she calls you in the noon and either one of you call to say goodnight, even if its a voicemail or text and if you do that, to me, i dont think its a lot of calls atall especially if you dont see eachother everyday. A total of 10 mins a day dedicated to a very valuable relationship just to say hi, to me is not much atall since you can call a friend and talk to them for hrs unend a day and at the end of the day they wont give you a kiss( cos they are just friends) but your other half will and more. It will keep both of you in check and in mind of eachother and when that happens, it will be hard from you to chase someone else without first thinking of the person in yuor life first. It just makes sense.
David 46
Going through something similar, though not exactly.
In my relationship, I am the one that wants to speak everyday. My girlfriend is the one who is often too busy to drop me a line beyond a couple of text messages. I felt the need to mention this after reading a few responses and hearing comments like, “Men are like this… and women are like that…”. The truth is people are different, and gender plays a small role.
Call your girlfriend, everyday. You *are* checking in, just like you do with your mom. Maybe she is insecure or maybe she just wants to hear your voice. Regardless, take 10 minutes, call her.
TheVoiceOfRaisin 47
I’m in the same situation as David. I’m a male who is wanting to be contacted every day in order to feel cared about but is with a woman who wants her space and feels she should be able to go a couple of days without contacting me and not have it mean she doesn’t love me.
Both sides of the argument bear a lot of merit:
The idea of a person being in love with someone and therefore naturally having the desire to be in touch at least once a day sounds logical to me. Who wants to go to bed at night without that warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that someone out there cares about you enough to have felt the desire to tell you during the course of that day?
On the other hand when I am physically with my girlfriend she never fails for a moment to make me feel loved and cherished so any assumption that she didn’t love me while she wasn’t contacting me is patently false.
I personally am of the opinion that every person needs to be constantly growing in life in order to feel accomplished throughout. An important catalyst for this growth is the person we consider to be our life partner at each stage. We grow towards them based on their needs either knowingly or unknowingly.
Since both sides of the equation have their positive aspects in this case; one making a person feel good, the other giving a person their space, should we not consider possessing the capacity to accommodate both in our lives a worthwhile attribute?
I myself intend to examine my inherent neediness and attempt to reach a stage where I am not as demanding of my girlfriend as I am now. I would like to think also that she will examine herself and find the time to make the odd phone call that she may previously not have made.
Hopefully over time we will meet in the middle. I think if two people truly love each other then this is the process that results. I hesitate to label it compromise, I think it runs a little deeper than that. The real trick of course is having the desire and persistence to hold onto the relationship long enough for the middle point to be reached.
I’m not sure that digging one’s heels in and proclaiming to the world that it should accept you the way you are is a very constructive approach to life. I’d welcome someone stepping up to argue the merits of that approach in order to improve my understanding of it.
Amiyel 48
Pick a good time to talk together in quiet, pleasant surroundings.
1. Tell her that you love her, and have been giving some thought to her request to be called on the phone every day.
2. Let her know that you want her to feel happy and secure in the relationship, and that you’re really going to try to call her every day.
3. Explain that, for you, when something becomes a “rule,” this kind of gets in the way of the tender, loving feelings you naturally feel. Get the idea across that: Since love is a two way street, it would help you out a lot if she’d meet you part of the way, when it comes to this matter… for example, just ”let it go” if, once in a while, you aren’t able to make that daily call.
About the “If you loved me” comment. Maybe she doesn’t know that using a phrase like that can have a negative effect, so give her the benefit of the doubt. If her use of that phrase bothers you, find a good time to talk about this. Tell her that, the way you see it, different people express their love differently. Explain how the words ”If you loved me…” make you feel uncomfortable, because they don’t leave a whole lot of room for you to be natural and spontaneous in the way you go about loving her. Express to her that you KNOW that you love her and care about her feelings, even though your way of showing it may not always meet her expectations. Since loving someone includes being willing to make a few compromises, you are happy to make adjustments here and there, for the sake of your happiness together.
Adamo 49
I am very sorry too burst this bubble, but this pseudoromantic advice really annoyed me. As I have had numerous relationships and more than I care too admit that ended poorly on these grounds, I cannot say I agree with you Evan.
If it is a matter of waying interests than what does this have to do with love and respect? Too me a adult relationship between people finds its fundaments in respect of eachother’s needs and limits. Simply ignoring your own values because of another’s needs does not lift such as complex relationship dynamic.
If your argument is that you should answer your partners needs because of love, where do you set the boundary of what that limit is? The simple fact remains that such a boundary does not exist or that it is simply there. It is very possible that this has nothing to do with the love you hold for one and other. So either you accept your partners every wish or respectfully and openly converse your personal feelings and see if the love is strong enough too remain even though you may have personal differences.
Holly 50
“If you loved me…” Is a form of manipulation. Plain and simple. My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years. We have the trust, comfort, and rapport with each other that we contact each other every couple of days.
We met knowing that BOTH of us are very independent people. We met as just regular friends obviously having our own lives going and enjoying them. When we started to date, we both discussed how we do want to be together but to be able to enjoy “me” time to ourselves to keep the balance. We go everywhere together, sleeping over each others homes, going on vacations, etc. Then for a day or two, we do our own thing without feeling the need to contact each other about it. It’s awesome because when we do get back in contact, we have tons of things to talk about!
It always feels like our relationship is in the “honeymoon” stage. We both love that. My boyfriend always notes that it feels “fresh” every time we see each other and it has been 2 years!
The day or two “off” works for us. We seem to vibe on how much contact we wish to have on a daily basis. We have had our marriage discussion and are staunch on STILL giving each other some type of space. We want time with our own friends, family members, work, hobbies, etc. to ensure that we connect with ourselves outside of being a couple.
Some couples need to have constant contact. If it works for both involved, great! But both must be on board of how the relationship is going to go. You can’t manipulate your partner into being more involved. That’s just asking for the relationship to deteriorate. As well as you cannot deny your partners feelings if they are craving more affection. Both of you must have a deep, heartfelt discussion of how you BOTH feel about communication. All of it- the when, where, why, how much and so forth. You won’t have a healthy relationship otherwise.
jennyana 51
@Holly 50
I agree with you.
mike 52
I would have to agree with Holly..it is manipulation,its insecurity..
When you have your shit together(enjoying your life,being happy with who you are and what you do,have your own hobbies,dont make your parther your hobby) you dont act like that,period.
If my gf called me every day id break up with her.
space and independence are critical,develop your own life,have some goals of your own.dont destroy the magic by being clingy,insecure and so predictable..
advice to girls,dont do that to your men,dont swallow everything you read in your girle magazines aka he doesnt call you every day?maybe you should question his love! bull..theres nothing to talk about,theres no problem there,people need their own space,marriage dont mean you have to be siamese twins….dont let social conditioning dictate your own life..
SarahH 53
I’m sorry but I have to DISAGREE that this is strictly a woman’s thing… the whole craving for a connection thing. I have someone who I’ve been back with for a couple of months now and we’ve been through this 4 times already. We were together last year for about 5 months.
If I let a couple of days pass without calling him back, he starts blowing up the phone (office, cell, etc) and tells me hes worried and then when I call him 1-2 days later, his whole attitude is different. He’s short, curt, and obviously bothered. Never mind, my busy schedule, never mind how many other responsibilities I have on my plate. When I tell you, I’m TIRED through the day, it’s an understatement. I’m up right now trying to get more work done (I work for myself). He knows this and yet he is the one saying that if I loved him and respected him, I would call back immediately. It’s not about not loving him enough. I adore him. I’m not a phone person. I spend ALL day on the phone and computer with clients and SOMETIMES the last thing I want to do is stay on the phone again with him or ANYONE personally.
My point is… NOT all women crave that type of connection and I too feel pressured when he says that if he were my priority, I would make time in the day to call everyday. Considering I’m not married or his fiance, why should two people dating be required to do this? Instead of getting all riled up, why can’t the other person just assume they are busy? Every time one of these episodes occur, I feel like I have to validate the relationship all over all!
Katarina Phang 54
Sarah, he’s needy, demanding and possessive. It’s a turn off for me and a red flag. Maybe it’s time for you to reconsider if you are really as into him as he’s into you and if he’s a long-term potential. If he gets on your nerves already now, it will only get worse.
Saint Stephen 55
Katarina, i think Sarah’s boyfriend is feeling a bit insecured, He necessarily might not be possessive and demanding if Sarah reassured him a little bit more.
SarahH 56
Hi Katarina and Stephen, thank you for your response. Stephen, my issue about reassuring him more is this…I don’t feel a grown man in his 40′s should be insecure nor put the responsibility on me to help him overcome this when I have not given him REASON to be insecure.
As mature adults, (I’m in my late 30′s), if I flirted with men or did something to make him question my loyalty, I could understand. But I’m not a flirt, we are both loyal and committed and hard-working…and up to a few weeks ago, I CONSIDERED moving in with him in the FUTURE. But… I feel differently now.
The other day, I brought up how often he needed to hear from me and asked him about his expectations of this relationships (we are not engaged). I didn’t understand how a man could get upset when 2 days passed when he didn’t hear from me while my mom was visiting – I’m busy with my mom and kids. There were no emergencies during these two days. I sent an email to further iterate all of this and ended the email with xo… He actually questioned why I didn’t send xoxoxoxo like I normally did and then said he wasn’t “that” insecure and felt he loved more than he is loved back…
A couple of weeks ago, I was driving back from out of state the other week and b/c I didn’t call him while driving or when I got home (15hr drive w/ family members in the car) he stated that I apparently didn’t want to hear from him while he was writing poems for me while I was gone. HUH?
I’m trying to be understanding but this is baffling to me. As an independent woman, I have NEVER dealt with a man like this. I completely appreciate sensitivity but I don’t want to feel like I have to check in daily while I’m dating someone nor do I want mood swings b/c you haven’t heard from me ON THE PHONE in a couple of days when I’m busy.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s great b/c he’s all about family, his kids, adores me and my kids, he is a hard-worker, smart and we share the same important ethics and values in life. However, I’m independent and I am VERY worried about how he would be if we were to take it to the next level. We are both divorced and his wife cheated on him. So did my ex but I’m not insecure. That was my ex-husbands issue not mine. I’m not the first woman he dated after his ex-wife so that’s not it.
He’s such a nice guy but this bugs the he** out of me. I’ve never been clingy or insecure. If ever I had issues, I stayed SINGLE in my life until I worked them out.. I so need to hear opinions bc I would hate to break his heart yet this unwarranted insecurity is driving me bananas and I don’t want to compromise my character JUST to accommodate his insecurity that I didn’t cause…. Not sure if I’m being hasty or realistic….
Katarina Phang 57
Sarah, you’re right. He sounds extremely insecure and I have never heard a man who acts more like a (an insecure) woman like that (cause usually you hear it a lot how women are needy and overthink stuff).
Get out now while you still can. These things won’t get better. He shouldn’t be acting like that in the first place if you haven’t shown any sign of disinterest or a reason for him to be jealous/insecure about.
Saint Stephen 58
Sarah you need to remember this guy wasn’t always like that. Though your Ex unfaithful act didn’t get to affect you much, but everyone doesn’t react the same to situations. Is way harder for Men to deal with unfaithfulness than women because our male-ego had been badly crushed and as such it takes men longer time to heal.
Men know that women crave connection more. So if a guy is the one always craving constant connection he’s bound to feel you aren’t really into him, or you are just passing time while looking for a better fit.
Sarah, i’m a young guy and the truth is, if i had a girlfriend like you, i’ll think she doesn’t feel the same way i feel about her and dump her because i know women aren’t good with hiding emotions and like to connect more with guys they love.
You can take Katarina’s advice and dump him. but you might just be dumping a great guy and spend the rest of your life trying to find someone else like him.
SarahH 59
Hi Stephen,
). There are many women who are confident, assure of themselves and don’t feel needy or worried if they don’t hear from or see their boyfriends daily. This is especially true of confident women with full lives and/or women who are mature and older and don’t live vicariously through their ‘man’.
I’m having a hard time understanding why its so difficult for some men to understand that not all women fit into a mold nor CRAVE connection as though we are damsels in distress or puppies that need constant attention (not saying you said that
You said that if you had a girlfriend like me, you’d dump her b/c women in general want to connect more and insinuated that perhaps I don’t feel deeply for him. I don’t get that. There are practical women out here who love deeply and loyal without appearing desperate – myself included. I have given him reassurance of my love for him, how proud I am of him and that he’s in my life and sure enough, he has mentioned several times that he’s too ugly for me or that I’m going to leave him often. Why put me through the mess that his ex created? It’s not that my ex didn’t affect me (or what he did), I took the TIME to heal… instead of dragging some poor schmuck through the mud while forcing him to make up for all of the crap my ex did to me. Had this been a woman needing constant attention who needed for her boyfriend to tell her she was pretty, needed, loved and worthy, I wonder if guys would look at this situation as a nagging, low-self esteem girlfriend who doesn’t know how to give a man his space…..
Saint Stephen 60
@SarahH
If you go through the whole of this particular thread u’ll notice that virtually all the ladies corroborated with Evan’s assertion that Ladies crave connection. I’m not saying women like you don’t exist. Rather i’m implying that Marlboro women like you are in the minority. Most men don’t have a problem reassuring their women of how wonderful and pretty they are- b/c we know most women love to feel loved and adored.
Basically, women craving constant connection does in no way mean they don’t have a life outside their man- it means when people fall in love, they try to build their life around that person.
).
I really think you need to reevaluate your feelings for him. Perhaps you might just be needing a Man like Hadley Page (the OP) who feels perfectly fine with once a week phone call (yeah… who knows
Spring 61
Well Hadley, women think and feel differently, you will never really understand fully why.
Good luck
UK law, American Law, German law is different in a way, one just has to accept it without deep analyzing why.It is not going to help, neither going to change anything. Lets accept the fact that she wants to talk to you every day. Sounds it is important for her. To my knowledge (and I am woman myself) it is important for majority of women. Obviously there will be exemptions, but trust me those few women will/might have other issues you will find difficult to put up with, may be even more serious issues from your point of view. Do you want to spend your life analyzing why women they way they are??? Why not to enjoy life instead, if it only takes 5 min call to her every night? She will compensate I am sure in her own way, you may actually benefit from it. After all she just wants a bit more communication, give it to her, it is easy and free
PS I know where you are coming from though, but you can’t have it all unless you prefer single life
Joe 62
Why does this have to be so hard? If a woman needs to talk to her man every day, she should call him. If she feels he should be the one to call her every day, she needs to accept that she’s needy. Then it’s up to the man to decide whether or not he wants to be with someone needy.
Goldie 63
@ Joe, based on the original letter, it doesn’t matter who makes the call – it irks the LW either way. The letter doesn’t even specify who calls whom. It just says the guy doesn’t want to talk on the phone.
“My girlfriend of one year wants to talk to me on the phone every day. To me it feels like I am checking in with my mom. I say “no way, it pushes my buttons”.
Michelle 64
Consider reading the book Attachment by Levine & Heller. It talks about 3 types of attachment styles: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. These styles we are primarily born with but our life experiences can contribute as well. Most people are Secure, and that’s what it sounds like you are Sarah. It sounds like your boyfriend is Anxious.
In any relationship, there has to be compromise, period. If you care and/or love this man, then for God’s sake, make some sort of contact with him each day or return his contact. You know what makes him crazy and upset, but yet you aren’t willing to do anything to help avoid that. Or perhaps set him up for you know you will not be able to have any contact with him so he knows.
If you can’t deal with an Anxious attachment style, then leave him and find another Secure person. Beware though, no one is perfect, so getting another Secure person may result in other things that aren’t acceptable to you, like a mismatch in values and beliefs, not valuing family, etc.
Spring 65
So if man is hungry he should cook for himself, but if he expects a woman to cook dinner for him he is needy. Then she should decide if she would like to be with this needy man. Also if woman wish to get married to a man she should get him a ring and propose, otherwise if she is expecting this from him-she must be needy.
Guys just try call your woman if you really need her, only takes few minutes and get on with your life, expect nice food, love affection and so on. Or analyze analyze analyze analyze and look for that special lady who is not needy neither she is not interested in hearing your voice
lindsey 66
“If you really loved me you would want to” is not if you love me you will X…
Why has no one asked what is wrong with these guys who equate calling someone who they profess to love with “checking in with mom” or talking with clients? Really? You see your girlfriend as falling into these categories? That is your issue to work through in therapy, not hers.
I agree that if you are in love with me and thinking about me, you will not be able to resist reaching for that phone. If that makes me needy (!) then consider this: if I don’t need you, then I DON’T need you. Maybe that is what you are going for – but that is not an emotional relationship.
Mark 67
re: lindsey
Guess what? We’re all different.
“If I really loved YOU, I would want to…”, and “If you wanted to show me you loved me, so that I’d really get the message, you could…” would be fair game. Saying “If you really loved me, you would want to…” isn’t.
DMC 68
I agree with SWF42 (#2) – she sounds whiny and needy, and this type of thing will be the tip of the iceberg
You need to set boundaries. Women like when you leave them wanting more to a degree, and telling them no can be quite the turn on. And remember, women aren’t exactly know for being unfickle are content. It will always be something.
I think I know what Evan was going for here, but he missed the mark. It’s not a compromise when one side is totally giving in.
Evan Marc Katz 69
Darren, you always tell me I miss the mark. Have you ever considered that I’m actually hitting my mark but I’m just not writing for you?
DMC 70
@ EMK
Maybe I misunderstood – I thought you were trying to give helpful advice. Also, I think you are being a little over-sensitive: I’ve often agreed with things you’ve said. I’ve just pointed out where I feel you’ve been incorrect. In this case, I think you are effectively telling this guy to be a pushover and simply give in to his woman’s neediness. I think this is a poor long-term strategy (and and even worse short-term one). You are suggesting a band-aid, I’m suggesting a remedy
Evan Marc Katz 71
Hey, DMC, one more sarcastic crack like “I thought you were trying to give helpful advice” and you’re gone. Look around: there’s lots of dissent on here. You just happen to consistently cross over into disrespect, and I’m pretty much done with it.
And to be crystal clear: you may disagree with me, but that doesn’t mean I’m “incorrect”.
Perhaps you should start your own dating/relationship blog instead of polluting mine with your borderline misogynist take on the the world.
Yes. I think that would be best. You give advice to people receptive to your worldview and I’ll give advice to those who are receptive to mine.
DMC 72
I apologize if you thought I was disrespecting you. I simply disagree with your assessments at times, this one in particular. To be fair, I said where I “feel you are incorrect”.
I think you calling me a misogynist simply b/c I said the man should not be a pushover and should stand up for what he wants is a little over the top/
And I apologize if you thought I was polluting your blog. I was simply stating a view that was different from yours.
starthrower68 73
The use of the phrase, “if you loved me you’d do such-and-such” is manipulative. However, if Hadley is not willing to do a small thing for his GF then he won’t be willing to do a big thing.
And DMC, would that really be the hill you want to die on? Is it really too much in your opinion to do a small thing to make a woman feel loved and valued? What if the tables were turned? See we are ALL required to be meek at times in order to have successful relationships. Meek does not equal weak. Meekness is strength under control because its a choice you make. If you are not concerned about a successful relationship, then that’s another discussion entirely.
Clare 74
Wow, Hadley sounds like a real joy to date. He would rather write to a dating coach, have a full-length blog discussion, watch relationships fail and have who knows how many arguments than accommodate this relatively minor and reasonable concern.
I suppose you can look at it as what she wants vs what I want, but I think if you did you’d be missing the point. There is a third element here and that is the relationship. What is good for the relationship, what is good for *any* relationship, is connection, communication, togetherness, intimacy. I disagree that this is just about her whims and desires. I think she was standing up for the relationship.
I have a policy (now) when I am in a relationship, that if something is for the good of the relationship, if it serves the above goals, the answer is always yes. This is my way of putting the other person first, and building something bigger than myself. So if my boyfriend tries to have sex with me, even though it’s 12 o’ clock at night and I’ve had a long day, the answer is yes. If he wants me to go with him to the hospital to get his test results, even if I have something else planned, the answer is yes. If he wants to discuss his feelings about something, I always make time for that.
Now when it comes to which movie to see, or what to have for dinner, these should be 50/50 situations.
This is how I reconcile the constant struggle which can result when you are always trying to assert your will.
But I do believe there are behaviours which build relationships, and behaviours which break them down. Sometimes, it is not about you, it is about building something bigger than yourselves.
Tony 75
Whatever happen to absence making the heart grow fonder. Give us a chance to miss you. To think about how our day may have been better if you were around. The reason make up sex is the best sex is because you been apart physically or emotionally. Im hearing all this talk about women being insecure. Isn’t that a personal problem only the women can fix. If it’s up to another person about how you feel then your fucked. Being needy is the quickest way to suck the oxygen out of a relationship and put out the fire. ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER… For the love of God your driving your man away.
Newly Married Woman 76
Hadley, my friend, your posts were full of “junk science.” The 20k to 7k statistic has been discredited for some time. If you don’t believe that, take the mean word count of your own posts and compare it to the mean word count of the ladies’ comments here. The fact is if you do love your gf, you WILL call her every day. A) You can’t wait to hear her voice. B) You want to make sure all is well in her world. C) You can’t wait to share plans/ideas/happenings with her.
Not calling for 4 days? What if she had been in a car accident? What if pipes burst at her house? What if she just got the news her sister has cancer? You don’t want to be the one to console her? Ipso facto your “love” for her is extremely weak.