Comments on: How Often Am I Supposed To Call My Girlfriend? http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/ Sun, 14 Mar 2010 23:47:00 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.1 hourly 1 By: cntrygrl http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-10803 cntrygrl Fri, 18 Jul 2008 16:40:30 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-10803 I read all that was posted, I am also having this same issue with my BF. He does not like to talk on the phone and does not call everyday, somedays i worry and blow things way out of proportion, the other days when i get to see him he makes me feel loved and needed and desired and tells me that he thinks of me all the time. It is his way of letting me know that i am important without the calls, Yes i would love to have 2 min call at night or even during the day, and Yes it makes my day brighter and i am more secure that he does think about me. I do not want to say that "all women" feel the same but in my opinion we as women need that contact, we need to hear your voice, we need to know you think of us as much as we think of you. So...Hadley, just pick up the phone and say HI it wont hurt you as much as you think. It will make your GF a happier more secure person and when you dont get a chance to call, then tell her how much you thought about her during the day and wished you couldve called. It helps, experience talking GF that doesnt get called either =( I read all that was posted, I am also having this same issue with my BF. He does not like to talk on the phone and does not call everyday, somedays i worry and blow things way out of proportion, the other days when i get to see him he makes me feel loved and needed and desired and tells me that he thinks of me all the time. It is his way of letting me know that i am important without the calls, Yes i would love to have 2 min call at night or even during the day, and Yes it makes my day brighter and i am more secure that he does think about me. I do not want to say that “all women” feel the same but in my opinion we as women need that contact, we need to hear your voice, we need to know you think of us as much as we think of you. So…Hadley, just pick up the phone and say HI it wont hurt you as much as you think. It will make your GF a happier more secure person and when you dont get a chance to call, then tell her how much you thought about her during the day and wished you couldve called. It helps, experience talking GF that doesnt get called either =(

]]> By: pericles http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-8477 pericles Wed, 28 May 2008 05:34:34 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-8477 Wait, stop, desist! The "If you really loved me" is NOT a line. It's a simple fact. That girl is pointing out the obvious. Look, folks, I was married for 22 years; if he really loves you, yes, he calls every day. Every day (underlined). More than once a day, if he needs to talk to you because you are the one person he shares everything with. When you REALLY love someone, you crave contact with them, over the little things and the big ones. That's just the way a real relationship works. Anything less than that may very well be love, but it's not felt or experienced the same way by the two people. If it's just "dating," then maybe the level of commitment isn't as high; but don't call what this girl wants somehow manipulative. She wants what anyone in love wants: connection. If he can't give her that, they really are on different tracks, and he needs to realise it before she gets really hurt. Wait, stop, desist! The “If you really loved me” is NOT a line. It’s a simple fact. That girl is pointing out the obvious. Look, folks, I was married for 22 years; if he really loves you, yes, he calls every day. Every day (underlined). More than once a day, if he needs to talk to you because you are the one person he shares everything with.

When you REALLY love someone, you crave contact with them, over the little things and the big ones. That’s just the way a real relationship works. Anything less than that may very well be love, but it’s not felt or experienced the same way by the two people. If it’s just “dating,” then maybe the level of commitment isn’t as high; but don’t call what this girl wants somehow manipulative. She wants what anyone in love wants: connection. If he can’t give her that, they really are on different tracks, and he needs to realise it before she gets really hurt.

]]> By: jonquil http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-5978 jonquil Tue, 18 Mar 2008 20:00:36 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-5978 I see this question was originally answered last October. Perhaps, Hadley, if you're still not inclined to call your girlfriend more frequently -after 5 additional months of dialoging with the blogosphere - as opposed to having the genuine desire to share ideas/day's stories with her - your relationship is not meant to be. Other posters seem to also be suggesting that you choose a girlfriend to whom you can relate more. I see this question was originally answered last October. Perhaps, Hadley, if you’re still not inclined to call your girlfriend more frequently -after 5 additional months of dialoging with the blogosphere – as opposed to having the genuine desire to share ideas/day’s stories with her – your relationship is not meant to be.

Other posters seem to also be suggesting that you choose a girlfriend to whom you can relate more.

]]> By: Nelson http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-5965 Nelson Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:18:07 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-5965 Women and men in committed relationships have a need to feel loved. I, like you, was not a proponent of calling just to call or to call everyday. But then I recently met someone more aligned with my interests, ideals, and thoughts. I found myself enjoying our conversations. It started out slow, feeling each other out but after just 1 month, we call each other every day, sometimes 3 times a day. We have started what I hope is a lifelong conversation. We never run out of things to talk about. We just click and have a really strong connection. It doesn't sound like you and your gf click in that manner. To give you some insight into what I am like, I am highly independent, very laid back, and the generally quiet, thoughtful as some have called it, brooding, silent type. But now I have met my true match, she is the same and it is a genuine pleasure sharing thoughts and just seeing how our days are going and getting new ideas that feed other ideas. It's just fun to call each other and it feels good. It's what a relationship is all about. When you're dialed into your partner, the relationship and communication is effortless. If you have to struggle to find things to talk about, then perhaps it's time to move on. Women and men in committed relationships have a need to feel loved. I, like you, was not a proponent of calling just to call or to call everyday. But then I recently met someone more aligned with my interests, ideals, and thoughts. I found myself enjoying our conversations. It started out slow, feeling each other out but after just 1 month, we call each other every day, sometimes 3 times a day. We have started what I hope is a lifelong conversation. We never run out of things to talk about. We just click and have a really strong connection. It doesn’t sound like you and your gf click in that manner. To give you some insight into what I am like, I am highly independent, very laid back, and the generally quiet, thoughtful as some have called it, brooding, silent type. But now I have met my true match, she is the same and it is a genuine pleasure sharing thoughts and just seeing how our days are going and getting new ideas that feed other ideas. It’s just fun to call each other and it feels good. It’s what a relationship is all about. When you’re dialed into your partner, the relationship and communication is effortless. If you have to struggle to find things to talk about, then perhaps it’s time to move on.

]]> By: Hadley Paige http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-4132 Hadley Paige Mon, 28 Jan 2008 19:41:51 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-4132 To the last word II: "your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you can’t be bothered..." It seems like you feel that once the gf has expressed what she wants I must then do it or then (by your lights) be considered wrong or at least inadequately attentive. If I understand your inference correctly, I must disagree with you. Yes, I am trying to benchmark my behavior as to where I fall relative to everyone else. Do you feel that that is a misguided thing to do? Isn't the determination of whether a behavior is appropriate or inappropriate a societal construct? "Sounds like you can't be bothered so you're. . . making up cockamamie junk social science. . . Sound like you've got a bit of an agenda here. Do you have any support for your view that I have made up "cockamamie junk science"; or is it that you just don't like the perspective and therefor discredit the theory? I would be very interested to read any reputable study you may have access to that suggests otherwise. I am not attached to my theory, I just happen to believe, based upon what I have read, that I am correct. If you have a body of research which points to a different conclusion I would be very interested to read it. Lets keep to the facts and stay off the personal attacks shall we? Point of clarification: I never said I would only call her once a week, I was responding to a poster's inference which suggested that "calling on a regular basis" meant calling once a day. What I actually suggested was that once a week was also on a regular basis, (regular does not mean frequent) not that I wanted to call once a week. To : Selena thank you for your perspective. It was very helpful. I encourage mores postings such as this. Rational, sincere, no personal attacks. To the last word II:

“your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you can’t be bothered…”

It seems like you feel that once the gf has expressed what she wants I must then do it or then (by your lights) be considered wrong or at least inadequately attentive. If I understand your inference correctly, I must disagree with you.

Yes, I am trying to benchmark my behavior as to where I fall relative to everyone else. Do you feel that that is a misguided thing to do? Isn’t the determination of whether a behavior is appropriate or inappropriate a societal construct?

“Sounds like you can’t be bothered so you’re. . . making up cockamamie junk social science. . .

Sound like you’ve got a bit of an agenda here. Do you have any support for your view that I have made up “cockamamie junk science”; or is it that you just don’t like the perspective and therefor discredit the theory? I would be very interested to read any reputable study you may have access to that suggests otherwise. I am not attached to my theory, I just happen to believe, based upon what I have read, that I am correct. If you have a body of research which points to a different conclusion I would be very interested to read it. Lets keep to the facts and stay off the personal attacks shall we?

Point of clarification: I never said I would only call her once a week, I was responding to a poster’s inference which suggested that “calling on a regular basis” meant calling once a day. What I actually suggested was that once a week was also on a regular basis, (regular does not mean frequent) not that I wanted to call once a week.

To : Selena thank you for your perspective. It was very helpful. I encourage mores postings such as this. Rational, sincere, no personal attacks.

]]> By: the last word, II http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-4088 the last word, II Sat, 26 Jan 2008 04:07:05 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-4088 Hadley: "While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still haven’t heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired)." dude, based on your letter, your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you can't be bothered so you're trying to benchmark the 'reasonableness' of her request by repeatedy asking or making up cockamamie junk social science about how women are supposedly more demanding now than years ago because you don't want to call your gf more than 1x per week. like evan said, would you rather be happy or right? sounds like the latter. Hadley: “While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still haven’t heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired).”

dude, based on your letter, your gf was trying to communicate to you how much she wants you to call her. Sounds like you can’t be bothered so you’re trying to benchmark the ‘reasonableness’ of her request by repeatedy asking or making up cockamamie junk social science about how women are supposedly more demanding now than years ago because you don’t want to call your gf more than 1x per week.

like evan said, would you rather be happy or right? sounds like the latter.

]]> By: Selena http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-4083 Selena Fri, 25 Jan 2008 22:24:56 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-4083 Hadley, I don't know how you can define typical, since this is subjective and IS based on what individuals consider appropriate and desireable. My experience has been that someone who is very interested calls every day. Certainly a *boyfriend* does, and often more than once a day if we are making plans to have dinner together or otherwise meet that night. There have been a couple men I dated casually, and what was typical in those situations was calling 1-3 times a week to say "Hi" and/or make plans together for the week-end. Those 'relationships' in my case, always proved to be fairly short-lived--so for me, typical in frequency of calling is directly related to closeness, exclusivity, being "a couple". Others related factors though, can involve what type of work, hours a person has--if they even CAN call, and if personal calls during work hours are discouraged. And certainly people who have a routine of seeing each other every night might not find phone calls beforehand even necessary. Is this the type of answer you were looking for? Hadley,
I don’t know how you can define typical, since this is subjective and IS based on what individuals consider appropriate and desireable. My experience has been that someone who is very interested calls every day. Certainly a *boyfriend* does, and often more than once a day if we are making plans to have dinner together or otherwise meet that night.

There have been a couple men I dated casually, and what was typical in those situations was calling 1-3 times a week to say “Hi” and/or make plans together for the week-end. Those ‘relationships’ in my case, always proved to be fairly short-lived–so for me, typical in frequency of calling is directly related to closeness, exclusivity, being “a couple”.

Others related factors though, can involve what type of work, hours a person has–if they even CAN call, and if personal calls during work hours are discouraged. And certainly people who have a routine of seeing each other every night might not find phone calls beforehand even necessary.

Is this the type of answer you were looking for?

]]> By: Hadley Paige http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-4076 Hadley Paige Fri, 25 Jan 2008 14:06:04 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-4076 To: the last word: " actually commentary aside in my initial post to Evan I asked "Where is this phone call frequency [once a day] on the range of daters who call each other? While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still haven't heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired). As I posted above "In order for one to understand if one’s behavior is reasonable or not, it is useful to have a societal context with which to compare it to. No?" To: the last word: ” actually commentary aside in my initial post to Evan I asked “Where is this phone call frequency [once a day] on the range of daters who call each other?

While I enjoyed all the discussion this question started, I still haven’t heard much from posters about what range of phone calling is typical (as opposed to appropriate or desired).

As I posted above “In order for one to understand if one’s behavior is reasonable or not, it is useful to have a societal context with which to compare it to. No?”

]]> By: the last word http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-4062 the last word Fri, 25 Jan 2008 02:14:10 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-4062 Hadley, you asked Evan a question, he gave you his advice, as did everyone else on this board, yet it sounds as if you're still set in your ways. best of luck dude. Hadley, you asked Evan a question, he gave you his advice, as did everyone else on this board, yet it sounds as if you’re still set in your ways.

best of luck dude.

]]> By: J http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/comment-page-1/#comment-4023 J Wed, 23 Jan 2008 22:01:39 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/how-often-am-i-supposed-to-call-my-girlfriend/#comment-4023 Neither one of the two people should be saying, "If you really loved me" and then issuing a challenge or an ultimatum as in "then you'd do or say ...". That has nothing to do with love and a lot to do with guilt, manipulation, and insecurity and/or a need or desire to control someone else. The idea is to find someone else who has the same ideas about what people do, say and feel (for the most part) when they like and/or love and/or respect someone else (hopefully, all three) in a true partnership - where you are in it together. Or at least, find someone whose ideas are not incompatible with yours = again for the most part. Negotiating is for business and international piece treaties and bartering for better prices in flea, and other, markets. And it often takes center stage in divorce proceedings too. Oh, and back when women were regarded mostly as property, chattel, brood mares and/or a way to either restore or increase ones fortune with their accompanying dowry and arranged marriages were primarily the norm (as way to again build alliances, increase wealth and propagate the familial line and influence), negotiation was probably pretty big then too. This would also be a time when women placed far less emotional demands on men because what they thought and felt was completely inconsequential and their rights as individuals were pretty much non-existent for the majority of them. Women were often nothing more than property for centuries in many cultures. To be had or disposed of at the will and whim of their legal guardian - their husband. Back then, men often saw the girl as the wallet (if had lost their fortune for whatever reason) regardless of what she did or didn't look like and also picked her if she looked like a good breeder. That was the way it is - like it or lump it or you know, join a convent : ) Women want more emotionally, physically, mentally, career-wise - because we can and because it is out there to be had. With the right man or men (over time) who want similar things to a similar degree or at least have compatible wants, needs and goals - to ours. Surely those of you who don't want to have to talk to their girlfriends more than once a week, can find a girl who is cool with that. The rest of us who want and need more contact with our S.O. will keep looking for the man who is into us enough and enough on the same wavelength to be in touch more and to a comparable degree and frequency of communication as we ourselves put forth and desire. This seems like it would be very easy to understand, but very hard to find. Not sure why someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Though again, if you ask "How often should I call" or "do I have to...", that is off to me as it means you are saying it is because you have to and not want to. If you find that you "have to do" a bunch of stuff a lot of the time to keep a partner (whether you are male or female), then it is too much work, too much pressure and it isn't really working for you or them well. Find someone who fits. Neither one of the two people should be saying, “If you really loved me” and then issuing a challenge or an ultimatum as in “then you’d do or say …”. That has nothing to do with love and a lot to do with guilt, manipulation, and insecurity and/or a need or desire to control someone else. The idea is to find someone else who has the same ideas about what people do, say and feel (for the most part) when they like and/or love and/or respect someone else (hopefully, all three) in a true partnership – where you are in it together. Or at least, find someone whose ideas are not incompatible with yours = again for the most part. Negotiating is for business and international piece treaties and bartering for better prices in flea, and other, markets. And it often takes center stage in divorce proceedings too. Oh, and back when women were regarded mostly as property, chattel, brood mares and/or a way to either restore or increase ones fortune with their accompanying dowry and arranged marriages were primarily the norm (as way to again build alliances, increase wealth and propagate the familial line and influence), negotiation was probably pretty big then too. This would also be a time when women placed far less emotional demands on men because what they thought and felt was completely inconsequential and their rights as individuals were pretty much non-existent for the majority of them. Women were often nothing more than property for centuries in many cultures. To be had or disposed of at the will and whim of their legal guardian – their husband. Back then, men often saw the girl as the wallet (if had lost their fortune for whatever reason) regardless of what she did or didn’t look like and also picked her if she looked like a good breeder. That was the way it is – like it or lump it or you know, join a convent : ) Women want more emotionally, physically, mentally, career-wise – because we can and because it is out there to be had. With the right man or men (over time) who want similar things to a similar degree or at least have compatible wants, needs and goals – to ours. Surely those of you who don’t want to have to talk to their girlfriends more than once a week, can find a girl who is cool with that. The rest of us who want and need more contact with our S.O. will keep looking for the man who is into us enough and enough on the same wavelength to be in touch more and to a comparable degree and frequency of communication as we ourselves put forth and desire. This seems like it would be very easy to understand, but very hard to find. Not sure why someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. Though again, if you ask “How often should I call” or “do I have to…”, that is off to me as it means you are saying it is because you have to and not want to. If you find that you “have to do” a bunch of stuff a lot of the time to keep a partner (whether you are male or female), then it is too much work, too much pressure and it isn’t really working for you or them well. Find someone who fits.

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