How Soon Should I Tell A Date That I’m a Virgin?
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Dear Evan,
I am 27 and a virgin. I am sure that no one expects this of me 
How do I address this issue when I meet someone "quality"? As a man, would you expect to learn what you’re "dealing with" or would you rather not be freaked out in advance and learn it in the process? Thanks!
Milisenta
I’m nineteen years old, I know there is a problem with me because I can’t seem to have a long-term relationship with a guy. The longest of my relationships lasted about three months. I’ve dated a lot, since I never find what I’m looking for, and I always end up giving up on them or if I get rejected I feel like I’m not good enough. It seems like all the "normal" guys are already taken. And I don’t know what is it that I’m doing wrong. Also, I think I’m always attracted to the same type of men (jerks).
Another thing that concerns me is that I’m a virgin, and I like older guys, so it is a bit of a problem, and I won’t get physical with a guy even if I like him a lot because I’d like to get to know that person better before sleeping with him. Nowadays it is like if guys don’t get that, they will walk away from you. I know sex is super important in order for a relationship to work out, just as chemistry is, but if I don’t get to know him first, how am I supposed to feel comfortable to do it?
Now whenever I meet someone new, as soon as I can, I’ll let him know I’m a virgin. Do you think that’s bad?? Should I wait to know them better before telling them?
Please let me know what you think!
Hely
I’ve printed these two letters back to back because…
-They’re letters from two virgins. (Yay, virgins!)
-They contain some universal themes that our older readers can definitely apply to themselves. And yes, everyone reading this is probably older than 19.
First, let’s look closer at Hely’s question:
I’ve dated a lot, since I never find what I’m looking for, and I always end up giving up on them or if I get rejected I feel like I’m not good enough. It seems like all the "normal" guys are already taken. And I don’t know what is it that I’m doing wrong. Also, I think I’m always attracted to the same type of men (jerks).
This letter did NOT have to be written by a 19-year-old. I think many of us can relate to her issues today. And I, for one, want to protect her from writing this same email to me in another twenty years.
So first, Hely, please read this article, which is an excerpt from Why You’re Still Single entitled: Tip Your Baggage Handler (Do You Keep Falling For Jerks?).
But in brief, I will tell you this:
If a guy isn’t treating you the way you want to be treated, leave him. It’s not your job to change him.
If a guy says he cares about you, but doesn’t back it up with his actions, leave him. It’s not your job to change him.
If a guy wants you to change for him in a fundamental way that is uncomfortable to you, leave him. It’s not his job to change you.
Which brings us to the meat of your question: should you tell him right up front that you’re a virgin?
Actually, no. I don’t think so.
But to explain my position, let me share with you the two virgin stories I have in my massive portfolio of dating tales. …
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16 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
lyric 1
Being a virgin is not something to be ashamed of especially if you’re a woman. And if you are to give up your virginity, make sure that it will be worth it and not just with any “—hole”. It’s not just your virginity that you are offering but your whole being.
mrs. vee 2
Great advice again, Evan.
I know women who got sick of their virginity and gave it away just to get it “out of the way”.
Try to avoid that course of action, ladies. You won’t regret it.
brandi 3
Never tell this when the time is right. I agree with lyric, Being a virgin is not something to be ashamed of especially if youre a woman.
BeenThruTheWars 4
Maybe this will make you feel better: my first husband was a virgin when we met. He was 28 at the time. There wasn’t a thing wrong with him, he was just very career driven and hadn’t dated much. He wasn’t the least bit ashamed of his status, though he was happy to finally have a reason to experience sex (i.e., finding someone he wanted to be in a committed relationship with). That was 20 years ago, but things weren’t any different back then for guys than they are today. Most lost their cherries in high school or freshman year of college. I was far more experienced than he, but as Evan says, the subject just kind of came up organically. No one forced any issues.
In my opinion, women should not have sex with any man who hasn’t at least declared his sincere intention to continue seeing her for the foreseeable future. This is the bare minimum. Ideally, you both agree to be monogamous, he has told you he loves you, and you see this relationship potentially headed someplace. I don’t say this because I’m a prude or some big moralist; I say it because few things are more emotionally painful than oxytocin withdrawal. You really do create a very powerful bond with a lover, hormonally — to the point where a physical craving quickly develops. That’s a big part of where the “falling in love” feeling comes from — you can’t keep your hands off this person, you want to be with them all the time! It’s almost a physical ache when you’re apart. Men are affected to some extent, but with women it’s a serious whammy… and it hurts like hell when you are feeling all bonded and in love with a guy, and they decide, “Eh, on to the next conquest.”
My advice to all ladies, virgins or not, of any age, is… take care of your heart. Following the script Evan suggested, and then sticking to your guns, is the best way I know of to weed out the players and protect yourself emotionally. Who needs all the wear and tear?
sunshine 5
right on! BeenThruTheWars
Hely 6
Hey! It’s me Hely and i wanted to thank Evan for taking the time to write back and giving me great advises;) From now on i’ll try to not make it an issue!
And thanks guys for leaving comments as well.
Daisy 7
Hey I just wanted to say great advice everybody. I know men and women but mostly women that have been disappointed because of pressure that they feel to have sex with Mr. Right Now. Great advice and support for women to hear.
Yeng 8
I think you dont have to be shy and worried of being a virgin because your still young . Bieng a virgin is sacred and blessed as written in the bible. Hely your husband soon deserves the first.
Michael Ejercito 9
My answer:
sometime between never and the end of time.
thegirl 10
hey thanks for this article… it is very helpful and relieving.
Ladyblue 11
Being a virgin sucks. I’m 28, still a virgin and I hate it so bad. I should have lost it when I was 20 and I have this amazing boyfriend who loved me, the only man in my entire life who has really loved me. But I was so stupid to believe that s… of waiting until getting married to pleased God. I really regret it every day. How could I be so idiot? In the first place, I’m sure that any “God” gives a damn about me.
Love isn’t real. Now I know that I have to find out someone who helps me get rid of “this”, just for me, without giving any love and of course, without expecting being loved. I know sounds sad, but life it’s hard, the world isn’t made of cotton candy.
Don’t make my mistake, if you feel like wanting to have sex, do it before all your friends get married and you are the only virgin single watching everybody having a life while you still trust in silly dreams, but without any real possibility of know what it feels like.
LL 12
I’m 37 years old and I’m a virgin. I’m not embarrassed by it because it’s helped me weed out the good guys from the bad – there have been guys who’ve dropped me like a hot potato after finding out, others have laughed in my face upon hearing the “news” and teased me about it, others have broken up with me upon hearing about it. Do I miss any of them? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been propositioned by these guys who’ve tried to talk me out of my decision. Even friends have told me that I should just “get it over with” or “it’s not going to make you a bad person if you have sex”, but they’re also the ones who are complaining about having dated a guy for several years and haven’t yet gotten a wedding ring, or they’ve had to give their guy an ultimatum to get married or they’re going to break up. I don’t want that type of relationship.
I know how my heart works and if I were to have sex with guys that I date, I would be crushed and be an emotional wreck. That’s not worth it to me.
So as far as I’m concerned, I’m keeping my v-card even if I’m considered to be in the minority. I want a guy who loves and cherishes who I am…not just my “wet parts”.
Bun 13
Many thx to this post!!
And Hely!! I have the situation,, exactly just the same one u have.. So glad knowing I’m not the only one who have this issue.
And thx Evan! Ure the best!
NotSettling 14
Hey I am 24 and still a virgin. Saved me so much heartache. These comments helped me because it seems that every guy I date who has been around will have these ominous expectations of me. I wonder what they really think about it though. In any case, at least I know I wont be hurt real bad and that my future spouse will appreciate me.
sheshe 15
OMG! so I’m not the oldest living Virgin! I’m 34 year old African-American female ,my story is the same as the others but very ,very,very comlicated. when I was in school I became fast friends with a girl in college , she wasn’t raised like I was. long story short I became a mum at 25. Men dont want to get to know me because they assume I have baggage, that I have “baby daddy” issuses. so most of the time I have to block there stereotypes of me. I mean I have a child I had to have sex to have her….right? WRONG. It doesnt help that I’m pretty and that I’m a twin……she’s not a virgin.(she lost it at 25). whatvI think is funny is men say they want a women that loves her self and have class ,but the minute they find out you are a virgin its like they become weak…within two seconds. there out the door because you just became to much work, men are so use to transaction dont really want to work for it anymore , I want a man! period , and if I have to wait then so be it.
Florence 16
That’s what I needed to ear. Just got 20 not long time ago and still virgin. I will take your advise Evan when you said: ”I didn’t want to freak you out or make a big deal out of this, but I only want to have sex with someone that I’m in a committed relationship with. I’m really attracted to you, but until I’m sure that we’re going to be boyfriend/girlfriend, I have to keep saying no. How do you feel about that?”
I used to tell it right on to make things clear, because I don’t want to be attached to someone that will drop me when he’ll knows that i’m still a virgin. Anyway, thank you so much.