How Soon Should I Tell A Date That I’m a Virgin?
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This is NOT the story of how I lost my virginity (It was to a stranger from
One of them was back in college. We dated for a few weeks. She asked me to take her virginity. I knew I didn’t see myself with her long-term so I broke up with her. Better for her to find a guy who cared about her than to be with a guy who slept with her and left her shortly thereafter.
The next time, I was probably 30. My date was 27. She confessed to me before we ever went out that she was a virgin. She didn’t feel that she had to be married first, but wanted, at least, to be in love. I respected her honesty and thought she was very cool. We went out a couple of times and never slept together, which was probably for the best.
So what can we learn from these stories of innocence and sexlessness?
Well, for one, we learn that it can be extremely easy to take advantage of a virgin. All I had to do is act like I cared for a couple more dates and I could have de-virginized two women. It sounds awful, but there are some guys who think this is hot, the highest notch you can get on your bedpost. Sex with a virgin is next to impossible once you’re in your twenties. And who doesn’t crave an appointment with the impossible?
The problem, Hely and Milisenta, is that you can never tell which guys REALLY care about you and which ones just want to be able to say they slept with a virgin.
Which is why I’d advise you to keep your mouth shut. Yes, there are men who might be turned off by your lack of experience. But there are also men who might be turned on by it.
The best way I see you dealing with this issue is not to make it an issue at all. Go out with men, let them chase you, let them flirt with you, let them kiss you, let them touch you. You can probably go out on a good three or four dates before you actually have to have the “sex” conversation.
And at that time, just be honest. Mostly.
“I didn’t want to freak you out or make a big deal out of this, but I only want to have sex with someone that I’m in a committed relationship with. I’m really attracted to you, but until I’m sure that we’re going to be boyfriend/girlfriend, I have to keep saying no. How do you feel about that?”
From here, you can gauge if he’s serious about YOU or about SEX, and you don’t even have to “out” yourself as a virgin. If he makes it clear that he wants to be in a relationship with you, you can decide if you like him and trust him enough to be your “first”. And if so, THEN you can tell him that you’ve never had sex before.
And if I’m reading this wrong – if you NEVER plan to have sex outside marriage – this is something that can be brought up once the conversation arises organically. The same way that I might really want to have kids, but won’t start discussing baby names on the first date.
Good luck finding a guy who makes that first time worthwhile!
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16 Comments »Filed Under Sex & Relationship Advice
lyric 1
Being a virgin is not something to be ashamed of especially if you’re a woman. And if you are to give up your virginity, make sure that it will be worth it and not just with any “—hole”. It’s not just your virginity that you are offering but your whole being.
mrs. vee 2
Great advice again, Evan.
I know women who got sick of their virginity and gave it away just to get it “out of the way”.
Try to avoid that course of action, ladies. You won’t regret it.
brandi 3
Never tell this when the time is right. I agree with lyric, Being a virgin is not something to be ashamed of especially if youre a woman.
BeenThruTheWars 4
Maybe this will make you feel better: my first husband was a virgin when we met. He was 28 at the time. There wasn’t a thing wrong with him, he was just very career driven and hadn’t dated much. He wasn’t the least bit ashamed of his status, though he was happy to finally have a reason to experience sex (i.e., finding someone he wanted to be in a committed relationship with). That was 20 years ago, but things weren’t any different back then for guys than they are today. Most lost their cherries in high school or freshman year of college. I was far more experienced than he, but as Evan says, the subject just kind of came up organically. No one forced any issues.
In my opinion, women should not have sex with any man who hasn’t at least declared his sincere intention to continue seeing her for the foreseeable future. This is the bare minimum. Ideally, you both agree to be monogamous, he has told you he loves you, and you see this relationship potentially headed someplace. I don’t say this because I’m a prude or some big moralist; I say it because few things are more emotionally painful than oxytocin withdrawal. You really do create a very powerful bond with a lover, hormonally — to the point where a physical craving quickly develops. That’s a big part of where the “falling in love” feeling comes from — you can’t keep your hands off this person, you want to be with them all the time! It’s almost a physical ache when you’re apart. Men are affected to some extent, but with women it’s a serious whammy… and it hurts like hell when you are feeling all bonded and in love with a guy, and they decide, “Eh, on to the next conquest.”
My advice to all ladies, virgins or not, of any age, is… take care of your heart. Following the script Evan suggested, and then sticking to your guns, is the best way I know of to weed out the players and protect yourself emotionally. Who needs all the wear and tear?
sunshine 5
right on! BeenThruTheWars
Hely 6
Hey! It’s me Hely and i wanted to thank Evan for taking the time to write back and giving me great advises;) From now on i’ll try to not make it an issue!
And thanks guys for leaving comments as well.
Daisy 7
Hey I just wanted to say great advice everybody. I know men and women but mostly women that have been disappointed because of pressure that they feel to have sex with Mr. Right Now. Great advice and support for women to hear.
Yeng 8
I think you dont have to be shy and worried of being a virgin because your still young . Bieng a virgin is sacred and blessed as written in the bible. Hely your husband soon deserves the first.
Michael Ejercito 9
My answer:
sometime between never and the end of time.
thegirl 10
hey thanks for this article… it is very helpful and relieving.
Ladyblue 11
Being a virgin sucks. I’m 28, still a virgin and I hate it so bad. I should have lost it when I was 20 and I have this amazing boyfriend who loved me, the only man in my entire life who has really loved me. But I was so stupid to believe that s… of waiting until getting married to pleased God. I really regret it every day. How could I be so idiot? In the first place, I’m sure that any “God” gives a damn about me.
Love isn’t real. Now I know that I have to find out someone who helps me get rid of “this”, just for me, without giving any love and of course, without expecting being loved. I know sounds sad, but life it’s hard, the world isn’t made of cotton candy.
Don’t make my mistake, if you feel like wanting to have sex, do it before all your friends get married and you are the only virgin single watching everybody having a life while you still trust in silly dreams, but without any real possibility of know what it feels like.
LL 12
I’m 37 years old and I’m a virgin. I’m not embarrassed by it because it’s helped me weed out the good guys from the bad – there have been guys who’ve dropped me like a hot potato after finding out, others have laughed in my face upon hearing the “news” and teased me about it, others have broken up with me upon hearing about it. Do I miss any of them? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been propositioned by these guys who’ve tried to talk me out of my decision. Even friends have told me that I should just “get it over with” or “it’s not going to make you a bad person if you have sex”, but they’re also the ones who are complaining about having dated a guy for several years and haven’t yet gotten a wedding ring, or they’ve had to give their guy an ultimatum to get married or they’re going to break up. I don’t want that type of relationship.
I know how my heart works and if I were to have sex with guys that I date, I would be crushed and be an emotional wreck. That’s not worth it to me.
So as far as I’m concerned, I’m keeping my v-card even if I’m considered to be in the minority. I want a guy who loves and cherishes who I am…not just my “wet parts”.
Bun 13
Many thx to this post!!
And Hely!! I have the situation,, exactly just the same one u have.. So glad knowing I’m not the only one who have this issue.
And thx Evan! Ure the best!
NotSettling 14
Hey I am 24 and still a virgin. Saved me so much heartache. These comments helped me because it seems that every guy I date who has been around will have these ominous expectations of me. I wonder what they really think about it though. In any case, at least I know I wont be hurt real bad and that my future spouse will appreciate me.
sheshe 15
OMG! so I’m not the oldest living Virgin! I’m 34 year old African-American female ,my story is the same as the others but very ,very,very comlicated. when I was in school I became fast friends with a girl in college , she wasn’t raised like I was. long story short I became a mum at 25. Men dont want to get to know me because they assume I have baggage, that I have “baby daddy” issuses. so most of the time I have to block there stereotypes of me. I mean I have a child I had to have sex to have her….right? WRONG. It doesnt help that I’m pretty and that I’m a twin……she’s not a virgin.(she lost it at 25). whatvI think is funny is men say they want a women that loves her self and have class ,but the minute they find out you are a virgin its like they become weak…within two seconds. there out the door because you just became to much work, men are so use to transaction dont really want to work for it anymore , I want a man! period , and if I have to wait then so be it.
Florence 16
That’s what I needed to ear. Just got 20 not long time ago and still virgin. I will take your advise Evan when you said: ”I didn’t want to freak you out or make a big deal out of this, but I only want to have sex with someone that I’m in a committed relationship with. I’m really attracted to you, but until I’m sure that we’re going to be boyfriend/girlfriend, I have to keep saying no. How do you feel about that?”
I used to tell it right on to make things clear, because I don’t want to be attached to someone that will drop me when he’ll knows that i’m still a virgin. Anyway, thank you so much.