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Hey Evan,

Full disclosure: I do some of what you do (see romancelanguage.org). Anyway, first I just wanted to say that you do excellent work, and that your perspective is very helpful (mine is that of a widowed 50ish woman — and though of course there are similarities across the dating world, different demographics are, well … different). Quoting from you:

“Online dating has leveled the playing field for guys to an unhealthy point. In the past, we ‘d get a phone number at a bar and it would be the highlight of our week. Now, guys can collect phone numbers and discard them with no second thoughts. However, this doesn ‘t mean these guys are players or slimeballs or just out for sex. It just means they have too many options and are always trying to trade up. I ‘m not saying it ‘s a good thing, but it ‘s not a crime. Plenty of nice men are dazzled with the array of beauty on dating sites and feel that they should just keep shopping.”

Very, very well said and very true. I would love to read an expansion of this, specifically advice to women in the face of it. One way to go is of course to say bye bye baby to the guy who doesn ‘t have the sense to stop shopping in the face of your fabulousness. On the other hand, that can be a little draconian — as you say, this medium does encourage the “if I found this great woman, think what must still be out there” mentality — so I can ‘t bring myself to instantly trash the guy who believes it. Would love your opinion.

Yours in coaching solidarity,

Erika

Dear Erika,

Every coach probably has his/her own method for trying to assess things clearly. Our value comes in the ability to see things objectively, and to translate this insight into practical advice. My not-so-secret method for giving dating advice to men and women? Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.

Ingenious, I know.

So when you ask me what I would say to women who are dealing with men who have tons of options, I’d probably flip the whole thing over. I’d ask the women to consider being in the man’s position – with the presumption that she’s probably already been in it, without having realized it. It’s easy to blame guys for being non-committal shoppers who are always looking for the next-best thing; it’s a lot harder to come to terms with the fact that, as a woman (especially if you’re under the age of 35), you’ve likely done the same thing. In fact, most women under the age of 35 don’t quite appreciate how good they have it. Their inboxes get filled with scores of emails – mostly from undesirable men, with a few golden nuggets thrown in. On the other hand, the average man has to write ten emails to get two replies – and rarely, if ever, receives an unsolicited contact.

And as I’ve said in a previous blog post, you are as valuable as your options. If you are a 27 year old woman, you’re at the top of the dating totem pole. Same for a 35 year old man. If you’re on a website and legitimately have the option of being able to land the cutest, smartest, most successful person out there, it’s hard to blame you for it, isn’t it?

This is what both genders fail to appreciate about each other. Men think women are rude for not writing back. They never consider that those women have dozens of other men courting them. Women think men are players for not committing. They never consider that those men might be marriage-minded and struggling to find the right fit….

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