How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart

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I invite you to think of the last time you were emotionally invested in a man.

It could have been a promising prospect you met online, it could have been your boyfriend of five months, it could have been your fiancé.

The common denominator is that this man, who took your breath away and gave you hope, ultimately left you.

Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped.

I know how it feels. Most people do. You stake your dreams on the integrity of your relationship, only to find out that he had eyes for someone else, that he had major issues with you, or that he wasn’t ready to commit to you.

This can be devastating. It can make you mistrustful. It can make you lose faith. It can stop you from dating entirely.

But the hardest part is how, far too often, you never quite get over him.

Because you weren’t the one who ended things, your feelings remained as strong after you were dumped as they were before you were dumped. It makes perfect sense. He might have broken up with you, but that doesn’t mean you love him any less.

This exact scenario happened recently with my client, Wanda, who was still recovering from a short relationship with a man she met on JDate.

They had gotten physical after 5 dates, took down their profiles, and gave an exclusive relationship a shot. Two and a half months later, he broke things off. Said he wasn’t feeling what he thought he should be feeling. Said it wasn’t her fault. Said he wanted to remain friends.

So Wanda has remained friends with her ex – and has remained in love with him as well.

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101 Comments »Filed Under Letting Go

101 Responses to “How to Get Over The Last Man Who Broke Your Heart”

Karl R 1

I agree with Evan’s way of viewing the situation. I have an even simpler way of viewing it.

Of all the partners whom you’ve dumped (for whatever reason), How many of them would you take back?

For me, that number is zero.

And that’s the exact same number as how many would take me back. The women who dumped me aren’t taking back any of the men they dumped. I’m not betting on being the exception.
cindym7878 2

Easier said than done; but very well stated and something to read a few times over until it sinks into your heart!
Steve 3

The easiest way to get over someone is to cut yourself off from them and get BUSY with a project. One day you look from what you are working on and realize you feel better.
Honey 4

Hm. I haven’t been hung up on any ex of mine since I was 23 (and to be fair, that was Lance, who is awesome, though I knew there was no way we’d get back together since we broke up because I moved over 2000 miles away).

In the past when I was still hung up on an ex, it was because I allowed myself to remain in contact with that person. After I started the “clean break rule” and didn’t try to stay friends, I never had that problem. Of course, I am “friends” with most of my exes now on Facebook, but I don’t think I friend requested them and I wouldn’t have accepted their requests if I still felt anything residual.
Diana 5

I am so very grateful that after knowing each other for 30 years (26 of them married), my divorce and all that came about because of it hasn’t left me feeling mistrusting or thinking all men are dogs, lose faith, etc. I have always embraced, and always will, the many good memories I was fortunate to be blessed with.

For anyone who’s trying to mend from a broken heart, it does take time. I recall reading something that Evan wrote a while back that said for every 10 years you are with someone, it takes about a year to move on. So for me, the three year mark was about right. Even though I was the one to “break up” our marriage by filing for divorce, after three failed attempts on his part to leave the other person, I will not likely ever get over him completely because of our children. The challenge for me is to be true to who I am, in terms of forgiveness, gratitude, kindness, and maintain an open and giving manner in regards to our family, while also not allowing myself to return to before. It is made all the more challenging by a man who is filled with regret.

If someone breaks up with you, as painful as it may be, trust that they were not the right person for you, nor you for them. Take the good with you, learn what you can from the situation, and when the time feels right, move on. Don’t fill yourself with bitterness, hatred, and so on. I have seen this happen to so many people. You may feel like you’ve moved on, but you haven’t really. Liberate yourself (and them, too) with the real meaning of love, and you will go on to live a happy and fulfilling life.
JoJo 6

Thank you for this Evan. I was in the same situation. I became exclusive with my ex after 5 dates, and then he broke it off 3 months later. He said how I deserved better and that he wanted to stay out of the market for a while. He wanted to remain friends but I chose to cut it off because that’s the only way I’d be truly able to move on. He actually sent me an email on my birthday telling me how he’s been wanting to call me but he just didn’t know whether I wanted to talk to him or when the right time was. He also said that I was a very special woman and that he would not forget me. I still think about him and wonder if we would get back together some day. he’s the one that I commented about on the prior post. After some of the commenters accusing me of being controling, I felt as if the break-up was my fault. Evan even stated that the guy probably had to put up with more than I did. It’s hard for me to let go because I can’t let myself off the hook.
Now Evan writes “Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is. He was willing to let you go. Well, guess what? That guy SUCKS!”
Evan, I’m just a little confused because I felt as if you thought I deserved to get dumped, and now you say that guy sucks because he let you go.
Evan Marc Katz 7

Thanks for your story, JoJo. Yes, I said both things. No, they don’t contradict each other. If you made a mistake in how you treated your boyfriend, own it, and vow to never be that way again. That’s called taking responsibility. By the same token, don’t put up with a man who actually treats you poorly, verbally abuses you, makes you feel bad about yourself, and has no desire to get married in the future. Just because he was a crappy boyfriend doesn’t mean you were a perfect girlfriend. Be the best girlfriend you can be, and let the jerkoffs walk. That’s all you can do.
JoJo 8

Thank you Evan, that makes so much sense. I do take responsibility for my part because I’m sure I could have handled certain things better. Overall, I guess I wasn’t that bad of a girlfriend; since he considers me to be a special woman and won’t forget me.
Denise 9

#8 JoJo

You can do better than that man JoJo, just be patient and keep working on yourself.
starthrower68 10

Remaining friends after a guy breaks up with you is about as self-protective as stepping in front of a speeding bus. Cut off all communication and don’t look back. We can’t depend on closure from others; we have to get it for ourselves.
Denise 11

#10

Well said! It takes a lot of courage to do that–the reason for the breakup matters. If it was a drama ridden unhealthy relationship, this is easier to do; if it was a relatively good relationship, but bad timing, goals, etc., more difficult.

Ever heard that song by John Mayer, Friends, Lovers or Nothing?
SouthrnPhoenix 12

I struggled with this for a while and wasn’t able to put it past me until I forced myself to cut out all reminders of him from email addresses and pictures to a couple of t-shirts. As long as there was something around to remind me of him, I couldn’t really let go, and I really wanted to. I could say to myself that he wouldn’t fit me, but until I put him behind me, I would not find the man that was right for me. You inspired me, Evan, with your posts and emails to find a way let the past go, and I have lately been able to judge new men based on themselves instead of a distorted reflection of someone else. Thank you!
Kim 13

Boy, did I need to read this. I wasted a lot of time on the last guy who broke my heart, and now I realize he just wasn’t worth the tears and the energy I put into it. I don’t hate him, but I sure as hell don’t want to see him ever again. We can’t be friends, even though initially I wanted to be. But as soon as he met someone else, he cut off all contact with me, and told me quite bluntly that I was no longer part of his life, and that his new girlfriend wouldn’t tolerate me being friends with him, so I needed to go away and move on. This from a guy who told me that he would love me forever when we were together. I had a real hard time letting go and I felt really betrayed. Now, I realize that I have so many good friends and dating prospects, that I don’t sit home on a Friday night anymore (I had 3 date requests for Friday night this week, and a date on Saturday!). I realize that at some point, I will meet someone who will sweep me off of my feet, but if I hadn’t gotten over the ex I wouldn’t be ready for that possibility now. Cut off all contact, I say, and don’t try to be friends. If you have any feeling for the guy, when he starts dating someone else, you will be shoved aside anyway and that will hurt worse.
Twilight Princess 14

I think I might print out a copy of: “Face it; your ex isn’t as great as you think he is. He was willing to let you go. Well, guess what? That guy SUCKS!” and put it in front of my face every time I feel down about my last break up. That statement makes me feel better because I’m confident that I was a great girlfriend. I deserve better. I may find it; I may not. Either way, I’d rather be single than be in a relationship where I’m treated like crap.
starthrower68 15

@ #12,

Phoenix, it sounds silly going to the extremes of deleting e-mails, phone numbers, etc. However, it occured to me that by doing that, it’s an action that is causing me to close out that chapter in my life. It might be symbolic, but it does keep one from feeling so helpless and out of control, by being able to take action over something. You can’t make a person love you or stay with you, but you can get rid of those things that keep you from moving on.
M 16

Ok EMK…I am a long time reader, and you know I listen to your advice, but this post is kind of frustrating. I completely agree that if a guy dumps you it’s his loss. He should have never been willing to let you go. And I agree the only effective way to really be able to get past an ex is to cut all ties, at least for awhile while you heal, but I think its misleading to say that’ll get you over them. I think hurt and hope are two different things. I am not sure how to get over the hurt of a broken heart, they all say it just takes time, when I figure it out I’ll let everyone know, but holding out hope that one day he’ll come back is different than feeling hurt. You couldn’t care less if he comes back when you know you deserve better, but that is a long shot from over the hurt of the lost relationship, lost faith, and lost love.
So faithful readers, who are always willing to lend advice, how do you get over that hurt and stop that hurt from sabotaging a future relationship? That pain and betrayal doesn’t seem to really go away. You think your better, and then one day something brings you right back to where you started. How do you actually get over the loss of the last man who broke your heart?
Annie 17

#16.

Time for starters.

Have you asked yourself the question, if you really loved him for who he was, wouldn’t you want him to be happy? If he’s happier not with you, than with you, wouldn’t that be best?

The last man who hurt me, I removed contact for a while. But I just cared about him as a person so much, that I really just wanted him to be happy. We are now good friends again, and I feel no pangs of heartache whatsoever.

I wonder sometimes what we miss the most. How some-one makes us feel? Being in a relationship with “some-one”? Or the individual in question?

It’s definately a tough one.
Joe 18

Go back to Karl’s post #1.

Have you never dumped a guy before? If not, then you can justify feeling so ”woe is me” post-breakup. If you have, then what you’re feeling after being dumped yourself is just the turn of the karmic wheel.
aT 19

after so many months without any news frm him…u re rite i supposed…he never love me and never will…
Diana 20

To M #16, I don’t think there’s any particular way to get over the hurt of a break-up. All break-ups are different, depending on the circumstances with varying degrees of hurting, too. For example, breaking up with someone you’ve only dated for a few weeks or months is not the same as breaking up with someone you’ve created a full and committed life with and all its attachments.

I think that sometimes people do not actually allow themselves the gift of grieving, as well as processing all of the other emotions they go through. One of the worst things a person can do is to not feel their feelings. I know that at certain points, my grief was so profound, I experienced “broken heart syndrome,” which thankfully, causes no physical damage. It’s natural to feel like you progress one day and then regress the next. When you are caught in grief, it is difficult to see how you will one day feel any better, but you will. And there’s no set time limit, so please don’t expect that of yourself either with thoughts of like, “Oh, it’s been six months, so just get over it already.” If you were truly over it, you wouldn’t be thinking such thoughts.

I had the love and support of several very good friends. Writing about some of my experiences was good, too. I also did a tremendous amount of self-reflection (that’s how I am anyway), so that I could learn from my experience rather than blame either party. I began to recognize certain triggers, too, and how better to respond to them. And I read, read, read.

I am in a good place now, and in time, you will be, too.
Denise 21

#16

You got good advice like time and other projects to distract you.

Here’s some other suggestions:

1. Focus on self improvement. Seriously think about, and kept remind ing yourself, of all that you’ve learned from that relationship and how you can use that going forward. Don’t focus on the negative, force your thoughts to positive, rework the way you talk to yourself. That relationship was in your life for a reason, he was in your life for a reason–what was that reason?

2. Recognize you will have some down feelings here and thereabout what might have been. They are just feelings though, they don’t define you and they rule you (unless you let them). When you’re feeling those feelings, consider things you can do for yourself right at that moment to make yourself feel better–go shopping, call a friend, journal, read, take a walk, go to the gym for a really hard workout, a cry, etc.

2. DATE and flirt with other men!!!! This is probably the BEST way to get over a relationship that has ended. Don’t say you can’t, you most definitely can—it’s just a matter of will or won’t you, it’s your choice. This will boost your feelings of femininity that have just taken a hit. Maybe you just start with smiling at men, and talking with new men, then move onto dating–however you might approach it, move forward with this.
Karl R 22

M asked: (#16)
“that is a long shot from over the hurt of the lost relationship, lost faith, and lost love. So faithful readers, who are always willing to lend advice, how do you get over that hurt and stop that hurt from sabotaging a future relationship?”

I’m not entirely sure what the problem is, but I’ll try to address the probable ones.

Betrayal / loss of faith
My first serious relationship (and the first woman I loved) cheated on me. That action destroyed my trust in her. Despite this, I have found it easy to trust other women in the relationships that followed.

I am able to trust other women because I focus on one thing: I have never cheated on anyone. Since I’m not unique, I know there are women out there who are as trustworthy as I am. In addition, since I prefer women who have ethics and integrity, it’s not hard for me to believe that they are capable of being trustworthy.

Lost relationship
There’s an empty spot in your life when you lose a relationship, especially one that occupied a large amount of your time. That empty space is best filled by focusing on your other relationships (friends, family, etc).

You can also focus on activites that you are passionate about … particularly activities that you didn’t have time for during your relationship. Dancing has gotten me through the post-breakup phase on several occasions.

Hurt / pain
This fades with time. This may take weeks or months. In the case of divorce, it may take years (1-3 years is normal, but it’s possible to be outside that range). The longer & more serious the relationship, the more time it takes. The older & more mature you are, the less time it takes (age & maturity grant a certain perspective on pain).

But in this case, I think your expectations may be unrealistic. Either you are expecting the pain to fade faster than normal, or you’re expecting the pain to completely disappear … and life doesn’t work that way.

Physical pain is similar to emotional pain (except physical pain is easier to describe), so I’ll use it to explain what I mean. Four or five years ago I messed up the fascia on one of the muscles in my back. Even though the damage was rather minor, it hasn’t completely healed. Since it still causes me pain periodically, I can safely assume that it will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

I experience pain from that injury for a few minutes per week. When it occurs, I recognize it, I accommodate it (so I don’t further aggravate the injury), then I go on with my life. The pain/injury doesn’t prevent me from dancing, doing yoga, doing strength training or having sex. I’m leading a full and active life even though this pain crops up periodically.

Your goal is to reach the point where the pain doesn’t prevent you from leading a full life. If the fear of future pain is causing you to avoid or flee relationships, then you need to do something about it. Specifically, you need to do something about the fear, not the pain. If it just happens to hurt some of the time, acknowledge the pain, accommodate it if necessary, and move on.
JoJo 23

Thank you Denise #8! I think Annie #17 has a point in wondering whether we miss being in a relationship or the individual himself. I also agree that cutting contact is the best way to heal. aT #19, I really like that. That’s what I said when my ex broke up with me and never heard from him. Then he contacts me on my birthday which was 4 months later which then made me feel like I actually meant something to him. We even had an email exchange last month where he told me he thinks of me often. It leaves me so confused; this is why I say that no contact is better until you can really get over it.
Steve 24

Oh yah, stay away from soft rock for a few months
Denise 25

#23

Then he contacts me on my birthday which was 4 months later which then made me feel like I actually meant something to him. We even had an email exchange last month where he told me he thinks of me often. It leaves me so confused

Jojo, he is playing games with you. When people talk about playing ‘games’ (in this context, it’s negative games) this is a great example. (This is the way men play games; women play games by saying they will do something, then they don’t.)

You can either allow this to happen, or you can just stop responding to him. Believe me, if he really wants to see and spend time with you, that’s exactly what he’ll do. You won’t have these weak attempts of maintaining communications.

This is really common for men to do this, I have had it happen often. I know Evan has a post about this here, but I would love to hear from you men on why you do this. Is it simply because you can? Are you trying to keep the woman off balance and manipulate her feelings? Are you just trying to get laid? (I’ve had men do this knowing full well they were never going to get laid.)
Ruby 26

Denise #25

I’m not a man, but i think i know why men do this. It’s an ego boost for them and a way to keep the woman on a string. They stay in contact and they are still in the woman’s thoughts, but they never have to actually see her.
Mika 27

There is nothing more sobering and off putting for me than realizing that you are not being wanted, valued and appreciated. If the guy doesn’t want to share his life with you and treat you like gold, show respect and love, then what’s the point of that kind of relationship anyway?
Evan Marc Katz 28

@Denise and Ruby: Have cake. Eat it, too. It’s really not that complex.
JoJo 29

Denise #25, Maybe I’m guilty because after his birthday wishes, he never contacted me again. I’m the one that initiated the last correspondence where he said he does think of me often. He also said that he hates to ask, but the thought has been biting him in the but. He wanted to know how the Gaga concert was. This was a concert that we were supposed to go see together, but he broke up with me a month before. I told him that it was awsome and I had a great time. That was over a month ago and he still has not contacted me since.
Denise 30

Evan, what’s the ‘cake’ here? Just IM’ing or texting or emailing a woman? What the heck is so appealing about that?!

I have a man I used to date who is still contacting me via IM, I FINALLY determined he was playing games with me. He will not go beyond this type of contact, even to have a friendly drink together. I’ve already addressed this once, no more contact, looks like I’ll have to do it again. We had a wonderful time together, but HE was not ready to ‘do’ a relationship. He absolutely knows he’s not getting sex from me. What is the point of continuing to contact me?
Ruby 31

EMK #28 & Denise #30

Having cake and eating it too is basically what I’m saying. The ability to keep the other person hooked on you, and perhaps waiting in the wings, so to speak, is the incentive.
JoJo 32

Denise, that does sound like game playing. There’s a phrase that I love that’s called greasing the wheel; which is when a man won’t make an effort to see you, but he stays in contact so that when he does want to see you, he has that option. You sound like a smart woman and he knows he’s not going to get laid, so I’m not sure why he bothers. Maybe he just wants to see if you’re still interested. I wouldn’t mention anything about not to contact you; I would just stop responding. He’ll get it!
bleh 33

@Denise
Not all people (and that goes for women as well as men) take the feelings of others into account before they speak or act. It doesn’t mean they’re evil sociopaths, just that they’re human. Some people are just confused and trying to figure stuff out. Other people may like you, but also may feel that they don’t like you enough yet to commit fully. They are hedging their bets and seeing if their feelings may change, which could never happen.
Basically Evan really did sum it up best when he said “Have cake, eat it too.”
Sorry. Not all guys–not all people–will do this. And if they do, just don’t put up with it. The power’s in your hands.
david 34

Re — the posters mentioning guys playing games.
It occurred to me that guys really don’t play games.
Guys only want 3 things from women:

- They want to f-you.
- They want to friend you.
- They want you for their girlfriend/want to date you.

That’s it. We’re real black and white.
I think the problem is when women can’t tell the distinction what a man wants from them. Guy texts you at the last minute and asks you to come over after being MIA for 2 weeks? He wants to have sex with you. He doesn’t want to date you. He’s not playing games — he’s not sending mixed signals — he’s sending ONE signal you are not reading. It’s not a green or red (although the light might have been at one time) — it’s a flashing yellow. What’s a flashing yellow mean? According to Allstate:
Flashing yellow means proceed with caution. It’s an indication that there’s adangerous intersection, congested road or another unusual traffic condition ahead.

Slow down, approach with caution, and be ready to act accordingly
Keep your eyes open and analyze the elements around you
Concentrate on those that are an immediate safety threat
Prepare to react to the unexpected action of others (vehicles or pedestrians)
Take the time to observe every hazard, decide what to do about each, and react properly

You might come back at me and scream, “But he was so nice to me that weekend, said this, bought me that, texted this, did that at one time, seemed like he was interested, then not — just runs hot and cold.” And I’m going to tell you what I told a female friend when she cited a bunch of similar examples of game playing a guy she knew was doing. I said, “He’s not playing games. He’s an ASSHOLE.”
This is a guy who has a lot of options or he’s keeping his options open. More often than not, he’s devastatingly handsome (think Clooney when he was in ‘ER’) and to quote Greg Behrendt – he’s really not that into you. Guys know what’s acceptable and what’s good behavior and what’s not. Yeah, he’s really into you, but only WHEN HE wants to be. He doesn’t want to date you – if he did, he’d be more considerate of your time and feelings. He’s an asshole or a player.
Good guys don’t play games. We don’t send mixed signals.
Andrea 35

Denise #30,
Did it occur to you that just getting a response from you is enough for this particular man? I’m not sure why you need to “address” the issue of no contact. Block his number or email (I’m not sure how he is IM’ing you), or just ignore it.
The fact that you take time to “discuss” this with him is probably enough for him. Whether you really feel this way or not, in his eyes, his has “riled” you up. The whole power play is not always about just sex.
I’d say the same for Jojo…her ex has got her all twisted up inside, wondering why he isn’t calling, and he probably knows that this is the case.
I think that any man who understands how much women analyze and overanalyze things knows that a text, IM, or random email, which takes him 5 secs to fire off, triggers hours, days, and weeks of analysis and possibly even pain on your part, and in this case, numerous comments on multiple threads on a dating blog.
I’d say that in both cases (and especially in the case of Jojo’s ex)-Mission accomplished!
David’s advice is perfect. Men don’t send mixed signals. They send signals that you choose to ignore (and trust me ladies, I’ve done the same thing myself, and I really do think that the people in question light the fire and then skip merrily on their way).
Trust me, typing that out just now was as cathartic for me as I hope it is for you.
Denise 36

#33, 34 & 35

Thanks to all for your comments! There’s a lot of history with this man that I haven’t shared, and there’s history about me personally and not allowing this stuff in my life (I made a commitment to myself to remove 5 men out of my life that had been ‘hanging around’, not serving any meaningful purpose in my life and taking up ‘space’–he is one of them and I thought I had accomplished my goal!). Suffice it to say that in general, this is a man of high character and maturity, we had an awesome relationship which he fully acknowledges, he was just out of a long marriage and didn’t want to be in another relationship. Totally understand that.  This was back in 2009. He’s contacting me in a respectful, although generic way.

I know fully well that I will have to handle this, and will do it in a way I think is appropriate.  My only point in asking is why men do this?  It just seems stupid, I would never do that back to a man that asked that we not contact each other any more. Ultimately, in my situation, I gather he’s trying to keep his foot in the door with me.

#34 David

He’s not playing games. He’s an ASSHOLE

In the situation you described, call it what you want, he’s playing games.   Men doing this are ABSOLUTELY sending mixed signals…reread your post about what your women friends comment about!

“But he was so nice to me that weekend, said this, bought me that, texted this, did that at one time, seemed like he was interested, then not — just runs hot and cold.”

For men playing games in your scenario, he is pulling the woman in the way he knows will get her emotions so he can have sex, get her attention, whatever he wants. Women play games by telling a man, “Yes, I’ll call you this weekend”, then never calls. Or “Yes, sure, we can go out this weekend, call me”, then she never answers or doesn’t return the calls.
starthrower68 37

The minute a woman starts to see the hot & cold pattern emerge, that’s the the time to bail. Don’t analyze it, just save spare yourself the stress and walk. A lesson I’ve had to learn a time or two.
starthrower68 38

Maybe this is the guy we should be looking for:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/guy-who-used-drawing-of-self-on-dating-website-mus,18864/
Ms. Trace 39

According to Evan, that guy who leaves you SUCKS. True. but how do you get over the fact that this SUCKY guy who happens to be charismatic, successful, good looking, intelligent eventually will find another woman that he will treat like gold? And you are left heartbroken and asking for advice from dating coaches who tell you to value character over charisma, loyalty over success, thoughtfulness over intelligence. And that some other woman will get that SUCKY guy who will be committed to her AND is charismatic, successful, good looking and intelligent? Of course no guy is perfect and that charismatic guy certainly has his flaws, but can’t Evan come up with better advice than a more sophisticated “sour grapes” strategy for smart, strong, successful women?
Andrea 40

@Denise #36,
There seems to be this tendency for women to justify bad behavior based on what someone “used to” do or how they “used to”a act. The whole point is that when someone shows you that their feelings have changed, you should judge them based on that, and not based on the past behavior, no matter how good it seemed(and no matter how tempting it might be to believe the current supposed level of interest).
It might mean that what was done in the past was a lie, but it can also just mean that the feelings have changed or the passion has cooled.
In my opinion, looking at it that way, the women who is surprised that someone shows up to spend the night, acts very attentive and nice to get what he wants, and then disappears for weeks shouldn’t be. That isn’t game playing. It’s not ambiguous at all, which to me is what game playing is. That man is a jerk, he shows himself to be a jerk, but most women will analyze it to come to the conclusion that he isn’t a jerk. Yet, he is showing quite clearly that he is not serious about or committed to you.
I realize that this last part doesn’t apply to you, but I do think my first point does. Your relationship with this man may have been good and enjoyable while you were in it, and as you said, he was respectful when he was in it.
But you need to judge him on the fact that now he isn’t being respectful. He doesn’t need to be sending vulgar or insulting or suggestive emails/IMs for that to be true. You asked him to stay out of your life, and he has ignored that request and contacts you when he sees fit. So that is disrespectful.
To me, a lot of behavior is dismissed as game playing when you compare now to then. I think that each attempt at contact, is viewed by you as a sign that he wants to get together, or at least keep the option open. But I think that you need to compare now to now, and I think that is why David’s comment is spot on. A man who doesn’t respect your boundaries, no matter how innocuous it all seems, is being a jerk.
Hot and cold means, “I am not serious about you, I am not committed to you” (the reason doesn’t matter), however I will act hot so you’ll sleep with me or consider getting with me in the future. This is why I agree that it isn’t game playing. It is not trickery at all.
You’ve already said that you wouldn’t do this to someone. I’m sure you consider respecting someone’s request not to contact you as a nice and decent thing to so. So why is the fact that this man won’t honor that request not a sign to you that he isn’t in fact so nice or decent?
He’s showing you exactly who he is right now but you are giving him too much credit based on the point in your former relationship when things were more consistent. But he also ended things telling you that he didn’t want a relationship, and now you’re deciding that his periodic contact means that he didn’t really mean that. He already told you what he wanted, so believe that and don’t contact him again.
It’s interesting to me that when men do tell us exactly what they feel, we are so quick to dismiss it and overanalyze it later, especially if the truth isn’t what we wanted to hear.
Selena 41

@Star # 37

AMEN.
Denise 42

#39

asked him to stay out of your life, and he has ignored that request and contacts you when he sees fit. So that is disrespectful.

I’m sure you consider respecting someone’s request not to contact you as a nice and decent thing to so. So why is the fact that this man won’t honor that request not a sign to you that he isn’t in fact so nice or decent?

Agreed. I don’t think he’s not a decent man, I just think he has his boundary hole and he’s invading my boundary now.

I think that each attempt at contact, is (WAS) viewed by you as a sign that he wants to get together, or at least keep the option open.

Agreed, I added (WAS) to your sentent above. We’ll have to agree to disagree on the term of ‘game playing’ and what that stands for. Whenever I see men’s on line profiles that they don’t want to play games, what I described is what they are saying (I confirmed it with a man . I never thought of it the other way, until I analyzed this man and the way he was interacting with me. That’s when I finally said ENOUGH, and asked him not to contact me.

so believe that and don’t contact him again

I do NOT contact him, repeat, do NOT contact him. I have no desire to contact him.

Thanks for your thoughts Andrea! I really didn’t need any advice on all of this . I simply wanted to know why a man does these kinds of things. I think like Dave said, it’s one of the 3 things he’s listed, PLUS to keep the door open to something in the future.
david 43

Thanks for nice, supportive words bout my post — I thought I would get taken out at the knees….
I’ve heard women say “No answer is THE / AN answer”, well similarly, “Mixed signals is A / THE signal”
Also, I’ve learned to distinguish between some woman liking me and liking the attention I give her. Huge, huge distinction…and took a long, long time to figure out…
Evan Marc Katz 44

@Ms. Trace “Can’t Evan come up with better advice than a more sophisticated “sour grapes” strategy for smart, strong, successful women?”

This is probably its own blog post, but a) that is SO not a sour grapes strategy and b) you are SO missing the point of dating coaching.

It’s not sour grapes to acknowledge that George Clooney may be a great guy, but he’s a SHITTY HUSBAND. It’s called wisdom.

Because that’s where you’re incorrect. That guy will NOT treat another woman like gold. He’s just going to continue to break hearts over and over again because he’s selfish, narcissistic and/or not ready for a real relationship.

This is the ENTIRE point of Why He Disappeared: let go of your anger when the wrong guy disappears and focus on attracting the right guy.

And if the “right guys” always disappear from you, I write advice 3-4 times a week to help you learn to attract and keep them. Most of it involves being cool, patient, feminine, nurturing, easygoing, understanding, and choosing good men. If you’re doing all of the above, the charismatic, successful, good looking, intelligent, relationship-oriented guy is going to stick around.

It’s either him or it’s you. Which are you going to change?
Andrea 45

@Denise #42,
Well, it is helpful for me to read this things and sometimes type them out, because some of them are things that I hadn’t considered and had yet to form an opinion on, but it’s helpful to see posts like David’s and to realize, yes, I agree with that, and I wish I’d seen his advice sooner. My response was partially in response to Jojo’s story, your story, and stuff in my own head, so I realized writing it that some of it didn’t apply to you b/c you didn’t sound confused or as if you were yearning for this man.
Also, I did need your advice on keeping myself positive and in the right frame of mind as I meet new people, so thank you for that (it was on another thread), and both you and Karl R. gave sound advice (and I’ll just keep practicing until I get there).
Andrea 46

Funny, Evan’s comment is so timely (and maybe that isn’t a coincidence) since Mr. Clooney just announced that he will never marry again, and Clooney or not, I immediately thought, wow, I would actually HATE to be his girlfriend who has just heard announced to the world that he doesn’t intend to marry her (not that marriage means anything is permanent, but it still means she’s more easily disposed of).
Karl R 47

Ms. Trace asked: (#39)
“how do you get over the fact that this SUCKY guy who happens to be charismatic, successful, good looking, intelligent eventually will find another woman that he will treat like gold?”

By reevaluating your priorities. Seriously.

Have you ever been in a relationship which was relaxed? One in which you were comfortable being yourself? One with no stress?

Have you ever been in a relationship that was tense? One in which you never knew when the next fight would be, or what it would be about? One where the anxious moment equaled (or exceeded) the good moments?

I suspect you haven’t. Because if you’ve been in a comfortable relationship that’s effortless, you won’t trade it for a stressful, uncomfortable relationship … even if the stressful relationship is with the most incredible person (on the outside).

The hottest woman I’ve ever met, who is also a bright, funny friend of mine, is now married to one of my coworkers. Before they started dating, I considered the possibility of dating her. But I realized that her priorities and mine didn’t match. She’s in a great relationship with my coworker, instead of a miserable relationship with me.

I can’t see any reason to be upset that I’m not in a miserable relationship. Even if she is hot, intelligent and funny. The same holds true for every ex-girlfriend of mine.
starthrower68 48

@ Ms. Trace #39,

I do understand the part you say about the charismatic yet unavailable guy committing to a woman and treating her like gold; however, one can’t assume that such a guy will behave that way. It does happen; Annette Benning and Warren Beatty are a case in point. However, I suspect it’s the exception rather than the rule. I’m willing to wager that the unavailable guy is going to be just as unavailable with another woman as he was with us. And does it matter? If you attract a stand-up guy and you’re just as happy as can be, you’re not going to give much thought to “Mr. Wonderful”. I think I understand the spirit of your post, but I think more often than not, these type of guys cannot build anything of substance and endurance with someone. They get in their own way.
Andrea 49

@starthrower68,
I’m not sure I even consider Warren Beatty a good example of that b/c I think he qualified to be a member of AARP by the time he was willing to settle down. (And Annette Bening was already his baby mama by then too).
So perhaps the playboy realizing that his charms are rapidly fading just like everyone else’s led to his willingness to commit. Rewind 30 years and I guarantee that the same woman could not have gotten him to settle down.
If you are the same age as Mr. Unavailable, then you don’t want to wait until the Social Security checks start coming to get that ring!
JoJo 50

Andrea #35, “I’d say the same for Jojo…her ex has got her all twisted up inside, wondering why he isn’t calling, and he probably knows that this is the case. I think that any man who understands how much women analyze and overanalyze things knows that a text, IM, or random email, which takes him 5 secs to fire off, triggers hours, days, and weeks of analysis and possibly even pain on your part, and in this case, numerous comments on multiple threads on a dating blog.”
Agree! I can’t say that I have not been guilty of over analyzing. This is why I choose not to remain friends after a break-up. My point was avoiding contact is best so that you’re not left confused. When he contacted me on my birthday, I saw that as a nice gesture; I didn’t see it has game playing. Since he reached out, I initiated contact a month later, so I pretty much stepped into that one. I do like David’s post and happen to agree with him. There’s one thing that I learned and that’s men will do what we allow them to do. I was guilty of being with a guy who probably saw me like every other week. For the first time, I walked away because I wasn’t being treated the way I deserved to be. That was 3 years ago and since then, I’m relaxed, learned to read all the signals, and just made better choices for myself. If a man doesn’t make the effort to see you, then he’s simply not that interested.
Getting over someone isn’t always the easiest. I wish you can just turn off a switch, but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. I’ve done all the things I needed to do to take care of myself and I’ve come a long way. I absolutely agree that you shouldn’t give someone so much power over you.
Harriet Bond 51

All of these stories sound familiar; it’s something we all go through and something that I come across on a daily basis in my work as a female private eye. So many women (and men, come to think of it!) just can’t move on from their partners, even when we show them undisputed evidence that they have been cheating on them. Occasionally, I have had to turn down work on ethical grounds because someone has had an unhealthy obsession with a partner and basically want to stalk them and see where they are going/what they are doing with their new partners. ‘Love,’ (or what many people term as love, but is probably more akin to addiction/obsession) gets many people into a lot of scrapes! I agree with many of the commenters on this blog, that once you have split from a partner, contact is not advisable. It just prolongs the pain….
Annie 52

Omg …

Some of you still seem to think these men who do not want to be with you, are still paying gobbles of amounts of attention when they call you. They aren’t. All it took was one call to get your attention.

You are one of many. They call every ex, they have ever had that as had sex with them, every Friend with benefits. Exe’s from 10 years ago, if they thought it would work.

All it takes, for you..is a phone call and you begin fantasizing.

You don’t love these me. You just love how they make you feel, in a moment.

Evan gives advice on how you should alway’s be around the person that makes you feel good. He often forgets, that women…WANT to be around the man they are excited by, which doesn’t alway’s mean feeling good.

His mistake.

But your lesson. Go for both feelings at the same time. Then you have a winner.
Denise 53

#51 & 52

Great posts! I was thinking about all this lately…how we know all this stuff in our heads, but it’s in our hearts and emotions where things become difficult. Whenever there’s an emotional investment, no matter what it is, it’s challenging to see objectively and to do the things we know are the RIGHT things to do.

It’s funny, there’s posts from women on how to handle themselves on dates, and the problem there is that they are too much in their heads, not in their hearts and emotions. Then when we get into more than just a one date scenario, then we’re into our hearts and emotions too much and can’t honor our heads!

I also agree with another post about how blogs like this are helpful. It’s helps to reinforce what makes sense, the reality of life. We are NOT unique in our circumstances. The details are different, but the bottom lines are the same. Ultimately it takes courage to handle ourselves in the dating world, which is doing the right thing even though it’s difficult or painful. (Including when we’re with a man we know is NOT Mr. Right, that’s a tough one too.)
Evan Marc Katz 54

Annie, you’re correct that “women WANT to be around the man they are excited by, which doesn’t always mean feeling good…Go for both feelings at the same time. Then you have a winner.”

I know I’m limited by my experience as a dating coach, but in my estimation, chasing excitement (and putting up with the man who doesn’t make you feel good) is a terrible long-term strategy.

How’s it working out for you personally?
Denise 55

Go for both feelings at the same time. Then you have a winner.

Ahhhh, and therein lies the challenge.
JoJo 56

Evan, you’re spot on. Those guys that I used to be excited about were actually players. My ex was someone that I wasn’t so excited about, but he treated me well, made the effort to see me, and made me his girlfriend. I’m actually turned off by the player types now and focus more on the good men. Evan, you give such sound advice and I’m thankful for this blog and for the support of the commenters!
starthrower68 57

Again, feelings are good guides but they are just that, guides. They are often fickle, and as we know we can get wonderful feelings from a man who is toxic to us. I’ve had firsthand experience at this more than once. The older and wiser I get, the sexier integrity becomes.
lux aeterna 58

What happens when you can’t avoid your ex so easily? Maybe you are co-workers, or like in my scenario, both parts of a very close knit group of best friends who are used to spending Christmas, birthdays, parties and holidays together? A lot of us meet our partners via friends, family and work, and you might be stuck with that person lingering in the shadows, or even the limelight, for a long time after the relationship is over, maybe even forever.

Here’s my story and I am hoping some of you wise folks have some advice: In order to have a clean break from my cohabiting partner of 5 years I needed to cut all contact. We tried the ‘being friends’ thing… it just prolonged the pain. It was a very painful break-up, I lost him, our home, maybe even my chances of having a family as I’m a single female at 38 and running out of time…

Now I’m stuck on my own and excluded every time there is a group activity happening. I spent this Christmas alone (lost both parents last year, siblings went abroad) reading this EMK site (enjoyable, but lonely!) rather than faking a smile at the group dinner. My friends argue that my reluctance to see my ex causes problems for the whole group: I should just get over him and move on and hang out with everyone again. I wish it were that easy… I know that if I see him it will open old wounds, I might even go a bit soft and sentimental again, so it’s out of the question. My emotional health is more important to me than pleasing the group.

What hurts me a fair bit is that they choose him over me every time: he wins, he gets to go to the parties, holidays, Christmas. I don’t want to beg them to choose me over him once in a while, and in any case they insist I’m the one with the problem. I try to be as graceful as I can and never argue with them over this, just do my best to accept the situation. Maybe there is no answer to this, it’s just life, it’s unfortunate.

Relevant or not – I guess in my particular scenario it doesn’t help that my ex is an international superstar (yep…) who everyone just loves to be around. I can’t compete… However I am a lot more available and supportive as a friend to our little gang than he will ever be, and it saddens me that what I have to offer isn’t considered as valuable as his glamour.

What do people do in these situations? I wish we could all just get along fine… but…
JoJo 59

At Lux Aeterna #58, I was in a similar situation years ago. I was seeing a guy who was in my social circle of friends. We stopped seeing each other, but I still hung out with the group. I felt as if I didn’t want him to stop me from being able to go out with everyone. I felt hurt at times and it was just painful for me. I had decided that I needed to stay away from them for a while. I would make plans with my closer friends from the group without him. I also joined meet up groups in order to make new friends. This was so hard and I remember feeling so lost. It took some time, but I started to heal. I realized that I wasn’t missing out from hanging out with a group of people who just sat around and drank. He actually started to see his friend’s girlfriend who was also part of the group. I was so glad that I had grown away from those people.
The bottom line is that your emotional well-being is number one. You have to do what it takes in order to take care of yourself. If that means not attending an event where you know he will be, then that’s what you need to do. I suggest that you make plans with some of your closer friends from that group, without him. Your friends sound like they’re not really understanding of your situation; especially how they say that you’re the problem and how they choose him over you. They shouldn’t have to choose, but they should be a little more considerate of your feelings too. If they are not, then maybe you need to reevaluate your friendships with them.
None of this is easy and so I wish you luck.
Ms. Trace 60

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, Evan.
What I am trying to articulate is this:
In your latest email, you tell the story of your 33 year old client who found love with her 50 year old Alpha boyfriend, thanks to your advice.
But what if you were a 45 year old female who was previously dating this same 50 year old guy and you were the perfect girlfriend, thanks to your advice, but then he dumps you and not long after, commits to this other 33 year old woman.
You would tell your 33 year old client that she did the right thing, and voila, look, you can snag that Alpha Male!
But, you would tell your 45 year old client that if the Alpha Male won’t commit, LEAVE, because he SUCKS and you wouldn’t want to be with him anyways.
I’m not talking about the George Clooney Types. Of course you wouldn’t want to be with a guy who would never commit and yes, that guy does SUCK.
But that 50 year old man who wouldn’t commit to the 45 year old, but eventually fell in love with the 33 year old- He’s still the same guy. How do you get over a situation like this?
Sorry for the delayed response. Didn’t check this blog for a few days.
Evan Marc Katz 61

Ms. Trace – If you’re a 45-year-old woman who is dating a 50-year-old alpha, there are two things that can happen:

1) He marries you because you’re the type of woman men can’t resist.
2) He doesn’t marry you because he isn’t emotionally ready, he’s just not that into you, or you did things “wrong” that drove him away.

This is the SAME exact advice that I would give – and have given – to 35-year-old Michelle.

When her boyfriend wouldn’t commit to a future with her, I told her that he SUCKS and he’s the WRONG guy for her.

When her boyfriend came to his senses, I applauded her for handling herself with such poise and class.

Dating coaching is about making sure men don’t leave you because of something you did. But neither you, nor I, nor 35-year-old Michelle can MAKE a man do ANYTHING.

Today, I got about 15 emails from women who were ANGRY at me for portraying a confident, easygoing woman like Michelle who is firmly in her feminine energy, landing the man.

Why? Because they felt that Michelle was taking THEIR man, and that somehow I was suggesting that there’s no hope for women over 50.

WTF?

Michelle’s happiness has nothing to do with her AGE, it has to do with her WISDOM.

If you’ve been reading for awhile, MOST of my success stories involve women OVER the age of 40. The point of the email is not that you’re competing against the younger women of the world. You’re not.

The point is that your responsibility is to be the woman no man can possibly leave. And if he leaves, screw him. His loss.

Anything else you’re reading into that email has to do with your own insecurities. And that goes for the all the women who yelled at me for sharing Michelle’s inspirational story this morning.

Remember, if a guy doesn’t stick with you:

He isn’t emotionally ready.
He’s just not that into you
You did things “wrong” that drove him away.

Which one of those things do you think you can control?

So go read Why He Disappeared and stop complaining that a younger woman found happiness.

Gratitude and Attitude go a long way.
Karl R 62

Ms. Trace said: (#60)
“But that 50 year old man who wouldn’t commit to the 45 year old, but eventually fell in love with the 33 year old- He’s still the same guy.”

Three years ago I was dating a young woman who was a great match for me in every way … except one. She wanted lots of kids, and I didn’t want any. Neither of us felt we could reach a compromise position.

I still think she’s a terrific person … but she’s not a great girlfriend for me. We have incompatible goals. She’ll be a terrific girlfriend/wife for someone else.

And she’ll still be the same person.

Ms. Trace said: (#60)
“what if you were a 45 year old female who was previously dating this same 50 year old guy and you were the perfect girlfriend, thanks to your advice, but then he dumps you”

If you were the perfect girlfriend for him, then he wouldn’t have dumped you. And because he dumped you, he just proved that he wasn’t the perfect boyfriend for you.

I don’t care what kind of advice someone has absorbed. Nobody is the perfect girlfriend/boyfriend for everyone.

Ms. Trace said: (#60)
“How do you get over a situation like this?”

In the past five years I have dated five women who I think are amazing women. Two of them are now in committed long-term relationships with other men; for those men, they are amazing girlfriends. Two of them eventually will be in committed relationships with other men; for those men, they will be amazing girlfriends.

After going through this circumstance repeatedly, I can say that there will always be another amazing woman sooner or later. The main way I’m different from you … I’m sufficiently self-aware to know when my judgment is clouded by infatuation. As the infatuation fades, it’s easier for me to see that these women weren’t perfect for me, nor was I perfect for them.

I’ve only mentioned four of the amazing women. The fifth one is still with me after 17 months. She’s the amazing girlfriend for me.

Evan Marc Katz said: (#61)
“I got about 15 emails from women who were ANGRY at me [...] they felt that Michelle was taking THEIR man, and that somehow I was suggesting that there’s no hope for women over 50.”

Hopefully all 15 women are reading this thread.

My amazing girlfriend is 56 (I’m younger than her). I know at least two dozen single women over the age of 50 who are in long-term relationships, including one who got married this past month.

There’s plenty of hope for some women over 50. But I’m not so sure there’s any hope for women who are crazy enough to believe that Michelle was taking THEIR man.
Ruby 63

Perhaps it is “irrational” for women to be upset about the 33 year old with the 50 year old man, but middle-aged women constantly get the message that they are over the hill and that nobody wants them, not even men their own age. I think these women might have reacted differently if the 50 year old definitely wanted kids, but he had to be talked into it. Again, I am not saying that the younger woman actually took their man, but that women are very sensitive about the older man/younger woman situation, which is WAY more common and acceptable than a 50 year old woman snapping up a 33 year old man.

Didn’t we just have an entire blog post on this subject, with everyone telling the 48 year old woman in question that she was nuts for wanting to date a 30 year old?
Gem 64

Karl – “There’s plenty of hope for some women over 50. But I’m not so sure there’s any hope for women who are crazy enough to believe that Michelle was taking THEIR man.”

LOL, straight to the point and sooooo true!
Diana 65

The thing that struck me re: Michelle’s situation was that their age difference is very typical of what I see in men’s online dating profiles. Older men in their 50′s (Michelle’s boyfriend is not 50) in search of women 20 years younger. For a man who didn’t want anymore children, it’s a little surprising, yet not really, that he would date such a younger woman because there was a really good chance she’d be on the lookout for a man who wanted children.

I am happy for Michelle and I wish them both well. Getting married doesn’t guarantee a happily ever after, but there’s always hope. I don’t feel the least bit upset that she landed a man that I could (in theory) have had; that’s silly, but I did feel dismay because it only confirmed what I believe to be true in many (not all) instances: men close to my own age of 50 are not interested in women their own age. And as long as there are younger women who are willing to take an interest in the older man for the financial security, etc. that they can usually offer, then the men will keep on looking.
Denise 66

Didn’t we just have an entire blog post on this subject, with everyone telling the 48 year old woman in question that she was nuts for wanting to date a 30 year old?

#63 Ruby

Haha, yes we did! I believe the premise of the answers were based on the fact that the OP wanted something more meaningful with this young man.

The situation is the same with Michelle. She wants kids and he didn’t. I guess he’s changed his mind and does want kids now? A older man must realize with this a younger woman.

There’s always exceptions and people who are willing to make major compromises.
Karl R 67

Ruby said: (#63)
“middle-aged women constantly get the message that they are over the hill and that nobody wants them, not even men their own age.”
Diana said: (#65)
“I did feel dismay because it only confirmed what I believe to be true in many (not all) instances: men close to my own age of 50 are not interested in women their own age.”

I most often hear this message from those middle-aged women. After that, I hear it from articles specifically targeted toward those middle-aged women (in periodicals/websites with a predominantly female audience).

Then I look at the middle-aged women I know. Many of them are dating. Others are being pursued by men (who those women aren’t interested in). The men who are dating/pursuing the middle-aged women cover a broad range of ages (older, younger, the same age).

Women may be constantly getting the message that nobody wants to date them. Apparently, somebody forgot to tell those men.

Ruby asked: (#63)
“Didn’t we just have an entire blog post on this subject, with everyone telling the 48 year old woman in question that she was nuts for wanting to date a 30 year old?”

She was primarily attracted to men (plural) around 30 years old, and wanted to know what was wrong with having a serious relationship with one.

I told her that she was nuts to restrict her dating to a tight age range that much younger than her. If she has found a man who is that age and there is mutual interest in a long-term relationship, I would tell her to give it a shot. (In both cases, I’d give the exact same response to a man.)

Diana said: (#65)
“And as long as there are younger women who are willing to take an interest in the older man for the financial security, etc. that they can usually offer, then the men will keep on looking.”

That’s a convenient excuse.

My favorite hobby is dancing, and the dance floor displays the complex interaction of attraction hundreds of times each evening.

A couple weeks ago I was at a national dance competition. Lots of people were dancing with partners they’d never met before. If I don’t know whether you’re a good dancer, what will influence my decision to dance with you? Primarily attraction.

Did men gravitate toward younger women? Of course. Did they gravitate toward attractive women? Of course. But you could observe a lot by watching how some women (older and less attractive) were getting asked to dance a lot more than their peers.

I saw one woman (redhead, mid-50s) who never got asked to dance. She sat at the back of the room scowling at everyone. Another woman (blond, about 70) was asked to dance all the time. Both women competed at the novice level, so why was the older one more popular?

In order to ask the redhead to dance, I would have to squeeze past six tables … for a woman who was scowling at everyone. The 70 year old, on the other hand, was sitting 5 feet from the dance floor and smiling at the men as they stepped off the floor. Who do you think was easier to approach?

Before you claim that you’re easy to approach, I’d like to add one comment. I believe the redhead wasn’t aware of how her expression appeared to others.

After the competition, I suspect the redhead complained that all of the men spent their time dancing with the young women. I also suspect that she didn’t notice that a woman 15 years older than her was 100 times more popular.
Diana 68

I know this is semantics, but he doesn’t marry you because you’re the kind of woman men can’t resist. You could be quite resistible to a lot of men, but irresistible to just one man. I mean, if you’re the type of woman that no man can possibly leave (which is impossible), then you wouldn’t have to worry about them leaving, right?
Ruby 69

Karl R #67

Most of the middle-aged women I know are not dating. When I look at dating profiles of middle-aged men, just about all of them list an age range that goes 15-20 years younger, and many wouldn’t consider dating a woman even a year or two older. The options are definitely fewer, not impossible, but fewer. I do think men and women are much more open to the idea of an older woman with a younger man than in the past, even if it’s just a few years younger. And of course, as you say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

As far as the 70 year old is concerned, sure, a 55-60 year old man might ask her to dance, but is he going to ask her for a date?
BeenThereDoneThat 70

In my experience with on line dating, most guys will list a an age range that is 20 years younger to 1 year older than themselves.

The majority of men who contact me are between 20 – 32 and 55+. I’m 41. It is uncommon for a guy 35 – 45 contacts me.

I am dating, however. I have two dates this weekend and one next weekend. Any one of them my age? Nope. 25, 29, and 32.

I date people, not ages but I hear ya, Ruby. And I don’t think i’m the only one.
Diana 71

Karl #67, thank you for sharing what you have observed and experienced, and that there’s hope. The dancing environment is indeed a great way to meet individuals of all ages who share a common interest which I have no doubt may lead to dating between various age groups. Alas, I am not a dancer. My comment was intended to be in regards to online dating profiles of men my age or close.

I am curious though as to what you felt I was making an excuse for. To know me is to know a fairly quiet, attractive, introspective and artistic person who complains little. I am also not the type to hang with gal pals and complain about how no guy my age is interested in me. I grow tired of listening to others paint all men as dogs, etc. At this moment in my life, I am focused on interests other than dating which perplexes people that I know. It’s always, “Why aren’t you dating or are you dating or do you have a boyfriend?” Sigh.

I do love this blog though, and I appreciate your response.
Evan Marc Katz 72

@BeenThere – You sound like a passive participant in your own love life, as if you have no say in what goes on.

Stop going out with children born in the 80′s and initiate contact with men from 40-50 who have kids. 25% will write back to you. Now you’re in business and not wasting your time with boys who want to tell cougar tales.
BeenThereDoneThat 73

LOL I am definitely a pasive participant! In fact, I’m on a dating hiatus. I know it doesn’t sound that way. Sometimes you have to take a break from the dating world.
Diana 74

To BeenThereDoneThat #70, this has happened to me, too. I am not interested in dating the boys nor the geriatric.
Diana 75

But I don’t want to date right now anyway. Sorry for the double post, Evan.
Karl R 76

Ruby asked: (#69)
“As far as the 70 year old is concerned, sure, a 55-60 year old man might ask her to dance, but is he going to ask her for a date?”

Maybe.

Let me turn it around, if a 55-60 year old man won’t even ask the 55 year old redhead to dance, do you think he’s going to ask her on a date?

The 70 year old has a much better chance. She’s getting her foot in the door. And the 65-75 year old men are also asking the 70 year old woman to dance.

Ruby said: (#69)
“When I look at dating profiles of middle-aged men, just about all of them list an age range that goes 15-20 years younger, and many wouldn’t consider dating a woman even a year or two older.”

That’s online. Get those same middle-aged men in a room with women and their behavior changes.

The 55 year old can sit at his computer, pull up a list of 2,000 women aged 35-40 in his area and think, “There’s a good chance that at least 1 in 2,000 will find me attractive.”

Take the same 55 year old when he’s at the aforementioned dance competition. The 35 year old woman is willing to dance with him, and enjoys herself during the dance. But as he watches, she also enjoys herself with the 40 year old men, and the 30 year old men….

Suddenly his odds for a date look worse than 1 in 2,000. So he starts giving a more serious look at the women close to his age, and he notices some of them whom he likes and finds attractive. And he doesn’t feel like he’s competing with all the younger men for them.

If a man thinks your attractive and he likes you, he will consider breaking his normal rules (older, younger, kids, no kids, etc). I’ve broken my own rules more often than I can conveniently count.

Diana asked: (#71)
“I am curious though as to what you felt I was making an excuse for.”

You implied that the availability of younger women causes a man to avoid dating his own age (or older) and keep looking for someone younger. Three years ago I was dating a woman 11 years younger than me. I am quite certain that I can continue find and date women younger than me. They are available.

My current girlfriend is 16 years older than me, and we’re discussing marriage at this point. I didn’t exhaust the pool of women younger than me. I’m with my girlfriend because she’s a better match than any woman I’ve dated (of any age).

It’s easy to look at someone younger and hotter who has more options and say that it’s the availability of young hotties that prevents people like you from getting dates. It’s a lot more informative to look at the person who shouldn’t have the advantage over you, but has the advantage despite being older and/or less attractive (and these people exist, even online). Learn that person’s secret.
Denise 77

#76 Karl R.

That’s online. Get those same middle-aged men in a room with women and their behavior changes.

I have to agree with this; consider thinking of on line dating as the secondary way to meet men, not the primary way.

#73

So true!
Diana 78

Karl, I appreciate your explanation, but I may have given you the wrong impression. Even though I have my opinion about the older men wanting the younger ladies and vice versa, I don’t view the younger women as preventing me from getting dates. There isn’t anything preventing me from getting dates, if that is what I so choose. And if there were, I’d say my having children living at home is a bigger turn off for some men. But this doesn’t stop my feeling dismayed when I see so many online dating profiles of older men in search of significantly younger women because, clearly, I cannot change my chronological age, and I won’t fudge my age either.

As for trying to learn another woman’s secret, that is so not me, and not necessary. I have turned down dates with younger and older men.
Ruby 79

Karl R #76

I do agree with you. Real life is quite different than hypothetical online dating, and the lists we make of qualities we think we want, or are SUPPOSED to want. And nice to hear from a man as open-minded as you!
Andrea 80

@Ruby #63, the women was told it was silly for her to assume that all men her age were somehow “too old” for her, and also that it was silly for her to expect loads of 20-30 year old guys who wanted a serious relationship with her instead of their own personal tale of cougar loving. She might want one, but she seemed surprised that she didn’t have 500 emails like a hot 25 year old, and that her young flings didn’t want anything long term.
So she basically wanted a 45 year old in a 25 year old body, who was ready for a serious relationship (she was separated and not divorced by the way) and was convinced that her 48 year old body passed for 28.
Advising one 33 year old woman about her relationship about a 50 year man is not the same thing at all.
The number of 33 year olds, male or female, who WANT a serious relationship with a 50 year old man is small, and I think that it’s been said time and again to older men and women who write in to this blog who proclaim that they are too vibrant, young looking, and active for people their own age that they are pursuing a strategy that has a low probability of success, and that they are at least mildly narcissistic. The advice is consistent whether the person writing in is a male or female. Nothing in this thread contradicts that.
By the same token, if you have an otherwise healthy relationship with someone who is older, less attractive, less educated, etc. than you, you aren’t going to be advised to abandon it purely for those traits. It’s only when those traits impact the health or viability of the relationship that people are actually advised to consider moving on (remember, you can’t change anyone, you can only control yourself).
Andrea 81

@Diana, #65, there may be loads of 40 year old men whose age preference dips to the late teens or early 20′s, and 50 year old men whose age preference dips into the late 20′s and early 30′s, but I would wager that the number of women doing a search for them, or who bother to respond to them is quite low.
It’s the online medium that makes the dating world look like a buffet to a lot of men (and women). But just because you can email 500 25 year olds does not mean that one will date or marry you.
For me it’s pretty simple. If you are old enough to reasonably date my mom (who is married anyway) then I am not responding. Enough younger women have good jobs and educations and don’t need to be impressed by an older man who might be financially secure. They aren’t on average going to be better looking, so what is the appeal?
Too many women I know have been making a 6 figure income for quite a while, so there is NOTHING appealing or compelling about an email from an old man. And even if they made less money, they still have the option of being with financially successful men their own age (and sometimes even a little younger), and truthfully, some women are clever enough to see potential in the men their own age, even if they aren’t making lots of money yet (if that is even important to them).
starthrower68 82

If I might return back to the original subject momentarily, I just picked up a book by Dr. Henry Cloud called Necessary Endings. I’m still in the beginning but it’s premise is that endings are a part of life and even necessary so we can grow and move on to something better. If I’ve shared this quote before, forgive me, but he is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep to gain that which he cannot lose (Jim Elliot).
Ms. Trace 83

To Karl,
You are a great addition to this community! Love your responses. I certainly agree that if the person you are dating does not choose you, then he’s not the right person and it’s not the right relationship. I just don’t think it’s helpful to think of the other person as an emotionally unavailable, sucky guy.
To Evan,
OK, OK, I’ll buy your damn book.
Agreed that we can only control the things that are within our control. Your choice of Michelle as a “success” story is not exactly inspiring. I’m actually in my 30′s and to be honest with you, there is very little I can do wrong when men in their late 40′s and 50′s are interested in me. I would prefer men closer to my age, but it’s a bit harder. The last guy I went on a second date with ( 35 years old) flat out said that “the problem with dating women in their 30′s is that they are only interested in marriage and children and don’t think of dating as “fun”. All this without even asking me anything about what I really wanted out of life.
My last boyfriend was younger than me, and one of the reasons for breaking up was that I was not sure about the children thing and we didn’t share the same vision for our futures, however compatible we were. He was the one who wanted marriage and children. He wasn’t looking to fall in love with me when we first met, but that’s just what happen. So to all older women out there: you can take a chance on a younger guy.
I also would most certainly spend time on quick, short, hot flings if the guy was a young, yummy stud- even if he didn’t want to commit to me. Just enjoy it for what it is. Why does everything have to lead to marriage?
But, based on some of Evan’s latest responses, I can expect him to say that I’m just wasting the last years of my youth on men who won’t commit.
I am open to dating older men- if it was the right match. Look, I understand that acting like a bitter sourpuss isn’t going to land me a quality guy and that I need to be open a wide range of different men. Older women need encouragement, not another story of how a “wise” woman found love with a man 15 years her senior and how “lucky” this guy feels.
JoJo 84

Although I am happy for Michelle, there is something about this story that is not convincing to me. She’s a young woman who was interested in having children. The 50 year old man didn’t want to have children. When it comes to this topic, I feel that there is no compromising because it’s very black and white to me. Someone should not be deprived of having a child if that is what they really want. By the same token, someone should not be put in the position to have a child just because the other person wants one. I feel that this is something that should be discussed early on. Evan, isn’t it a bit deceitful to advise Michelle to let the man fall in love with her before she expresses her desire to have children? I understand the concept of letting the person fall for you before revealing certain things. Why have a man, or for that matter anyone, invest so much time in someone to find out that they don’t share the same desire of having children? That is just a huge sacrifice and a major compromise to be made. Unless, the 50 year old is limiting his dating pool to way younger women, then he’ll have to understand that most younger woman might want children. And, if Michelle wants to date only way older men, then she’ll have to understand that most men this age don’t want children.
Karl R 85

Ms Trace said: (#83)
“Your choice of Michelle as a ‘success’ story is not exactly inspiring.”
“Older women need encouragement, not another story of how a ‘wise’ woman found love with a man 15 years her senior and how ‘lucky’ this guy feels.”

I think you’re completely misreading what Evan is saying.

My girlfriend is the most amazing woman I’ve ever dated, even though she is 16 years older than me (and my normal inclination is to date women my age). Anyone who ends up with an amazing boyfriend/girlfriend is lucky, regardless of whether their partner is 16 years older, 16 years younger, or anywhere in between.

You think the story about Michelle isn’t “inspiring” and fails to provide “encouragement”, because the woman ended up with someone 15 years older than her, instead of someone her age or younger.

Ms Trace said: (#83)
“To Karl, You are a great addition to this community!”
Ruby said: (#79)
“Karl R, nice to hear from a man as open-minded as you!”

For the sake of this conversation, let’s assume that I’m a good catch. In addition to the traits you two approve of, I have some additional traits which attract women (tall, thin, still have my hair, great dancer). I’m a “good catch” (at least hypothetically), and a woman 16 years older than me has ended up with me (and she feels lucky to have me).

Three years ago I was dating a woman 11 years younger than me. Except for one dealbreaker (she wanted kids, I didn’t) we were great together. When I was dating her, I had all the traits that I have now. If this younger woman hadn’t wanted kids, we’d probably still be together (and she’d presumably feel lucky to have me).

I don’t think I go from being a great catch to being a mediocre catch based on the age of my girlfriend. Especially if both women think I’m a great catch.

Ms Trace said: (#83)
“to be honest with you, there is very little I can do wrong when men in their late 40′s and 50′s are interested in me.”

In my opinion, that’s what made both girlfriends (16 years older and 11 years younger) amazing girlfriends. There was little that I could do wrong in their eyes. That’s a complete contrast from my first serious girlfriend (3 years younger) where I could do little right in her eyes.

Ms Trace said: (#83)
“The last guy I went on a second date with (35 years old) flat out said that ‘the problem with dating women in their 30′s is that they are only interested in marriage and children and don’t think of dating as “fun”’. All this without even asking me anything about what I really wanted out of life.”

So for this guy, you’ve already done wrong, even though you haven’t done anything yet.

The way I measure things, the guy who believes you can do little wrong sounds like a good catch, even if he is in his late 40s or 50s. The guy who finds faults with you at the smallest detail, he’s a terrible catch, regardless of what age he is (or how hot he is).
Evan Marc Katz 86

@JoJo, who wrote: “Evan, isn’t it a bit deceitful to advise Michelle to let the man fall in love with her before she expresses her desire to have children?”

Huh?

She always expressed her desire to have children. She just didn’t try to impose her will on her boyfriend in the beginning of the relationship as a litmus test. This allowed him to fall in love with her and WANT to have kids with her.

There’s a huge difference between “not issuing ultimatums” and “being cool”. Michelle chose the latter and now has a man who loves her. Sounds like a good plan to me.
Ms. Trace 87

Hi Karl,
Thanks for taking the time to response. Great reading your perspective on things. If I find myself nitpicking a guy, then I know that it’s not the right relationship. I’m just in a place right now where it seems like the only men nitpicking me are those close to my age, whereas I am not even nitpicking them.
As for Michelle’s story, I still think that it’s a great celebration of love in general, but for most readers of Evan’s blog, it’s not the best choice as an example. Men in their 50′s regularly show interest in me and don’t hesitate to say not-so-nice things about women their own age. Since it’s so easy for me and a lot of women in their 30′s to land one of these older men ( even tall and rich,), I wonder about the necessity of using a dating coach to make sure you don’t screw it up in these kinds of situations.
Karl, most men out there in the dating pool aren’t like you.
JoJo 88

Evan, understood. It wasn’t clear to me that he already had been aware of her desire to have children. I thought he was kept in the dark throughout the relationship and then was told once he fell in love.
Sarahrahrah! 89

“… let the jerkoffs walk.”
Brilliant, Evan! That one’s going on my mirror. (:-D
Joey 90

I’m gonna say sometimes second chances happen. Thats what High School reunions are for, rekindling the relationship with exes. Depending on her age, why is she in a rush for marriage. There are plenty of content single people. Besides, maybe she is not wife or marriage material yet, she should work on making herself more appealing to him, perhaps sharing hobbies. Maybe he felt he was being rushed into a marriage with her, but after a year or him dating the wrong women, he will come crawling back. Keep the door open, but grow yourself, and survive as a strong independent woman.
Susan61 91

I just came across this site/blog. I’m amazed at the similarity of the stories here to what I’ve been going through. My story is I fell in love with one of these very good looking men who wants to date a woman 20 years younger. I am turning 50 this year, he is two years older. Naturally he dumped me – twice. Admittedly, I was a fool for giving him a second chance but I loved him. I know, stupid. Believe me, I have suffered greatly beating myself up for my mistakes with this one. I did not realize what the real problem was until I saw him lying about his age on a few dating sites (by 6 years) and advertising for women 7 – 20 years younger. And no, he doesn’t want children. So it’s clear he won’t (and this is true for many in shape, attractive men 50+) EVEN CONSIDER a woman close to his age. Yeah, as EMK says, he SUCKS. The problem is, I’m just not attracted (and never have been) to much older men. I’m attracted to men close to my age but as an almost 50 year old woman, my dating pool is rapidly shrinking. A man who is 12 years older than I, extremely wealthy and a nice person but doing through a divorce, was very interested in me. I just am not attracted to a 62 year old and yeah, we women can do the math too.
I can vouch that the age problem is REAL for women over 45. The worst part of my situation is that I work part time with the guy who broke my heart and I haven’t wanted to leave the situation because of pride and for career reasons. It’s been a really difficult 2.5 years and I think I will leave the situation I’m in after this year. Because despite the fact that he SUCKS and he doesn’t want me, and is holding out for a much younger woman – which he WILL find because he is attractive, sexy and in excellent shape and dating is even tough for women in their 30s – I am still very attracted to him. I thought our chemistry was off the charts. And yes, I understand this is MY problem. I will read EMK’s book and hopefully I’ll instantaneously get over what happened with him. I think not, though. I think I have to remove him completely from my life if I hope to ever have another relationship again.
I am an attractive woman in good shape and it’s depressing to be turning 50. I try to remain positive but I have been alone for the last 2.5 years. Online dating is the worst, as all the men my age (the attractive ones who have kept themselves in shape) are not interested in attractive women their age. I also hate the lack of privacy and having to post my photo for the entire world to see.
Violette 92

I was dating a really great guy for 3 years (I am 51 and he is 49). I participated in holidays with his family, spent time with his children (10 and 12 yrs old) who both love me and I love them. We had a very close relationship, never had any fights but did have some discussions about certain issues that we resolved. The biggest problem is with his schedule and ability to give time to the relationship. He travels constantly for work and spends ten days a month with his kids who live two hours away from me.
For about the last six months of the relationship his work increased and our time together got less and less. I know he was exhausted and overwhelmed and I just let him go the way he needed, although I did let him know that I missed him. I do not nag or bitch.
At New Year’s we started to have a conversation and he just blurted out that he had been thinking of ending our relationship. He came and talked to me a few nights later and just told me that he did not have the “passion” he once felt for our relationship and that he needed to focus on his business and wanted to end our relationship. I think he is going through midlife crisis because he was questioning where he is in life and I know he is feeling overwhelmed and desperate for some kind of relief. He says he still loves me and finds it hard to imagine not talking to me and seeing me. But he can’t cut out his work or his kids and I was the only thing he could sacrifice. He more than once made reference to the “responsibility” of our relationship.
It really bothers me that he thought about it for so long and then just sprang it on me without giving us the opportunity to try to work through it. His only answer to me has been “when is the right time?” This is a repeated theme in all the midlife crisis stories I have read, a completely off-character change that was not expected.
I have been enforcing no contact for about a month and he has texted me a few times asking me how I am. I wonder if he just wants to be free of the guilt by knowing I am better or if he is really missing me and might want me back.
I know that people here have posted that if he leaves he sucks. But this is really a good man, who is a great father and was incredibly good to me for three years. I thought we would be together forever.
I don’t plan on waiting around, but I also am not interested at all in dating anyone for a long time. He was the “good guy” who wasn’t supposed to to this to me. How can I trust that the next guy won’t do the same thing to me?
I have been through a lot of relationships and I feel so tired of trying to find someone who really sees ME. I just want him to stop being crazy and come back. I know for sure there is no other woman.
Lily 93

Violette,
I am in the exact same boat as you. But I dated my man for 8 (EIGHT) years. We had AMAZING chemistry and compatibility. We both have 2 children, who love each other like siblings, I am very close to his 2 children who consider me their step Mom. But out of the blue, with no discussion, he announced to me “From here on in let’s just be friends”. He had turned 60. A few days later he was dating a woman we knew from Church, 15 years younger than him. He has been with her for 1 1/2 years now, and I still miss him terribly. I have been meeting people on Match but no man measures up to him. It has been hell. My life was so wrapped up in his, and now he attends the events we used to attend together, with her. She is rather frumpy, not as attractive as me, but she does have the advantage of being a lot younger. I am still in the dark why he wanted to end what I thought was a wonderful, close, loving, passionate relationship, but realize the lack of communication must have been THE problem between us. What I thought was wonderful, he considered disposable. This might be the situation with you and your ex-what you thought was great, he obviously did not, otherwise he would still be with you. A hard truth to swallow. It hurts like hell to be rejected by the man you love, and it is hard not to beat yourself up over what you must have done wrong. I think what EMK tries to get us to understand is that we have to concentrate on how he makes us feel, not solely on how WE feel about HIM. My ex has made me feel not good enough, like a loser. I don’t like feeling like this. My only choice is to focus on reality, not on my fantasy of who I thought he was.
Jane101 94

@16 Kim
This is what I did to get past the pain.

PRACTICAL SEVERANCE
1.No contact.
2. Delete reminders and give away the gifts. (I hung onto the expensive knife set though!).
3.Dont talk about the past to kind friends.
4. STOP all negative thought spirals instantly – STOP all over thinking, over analyzing, replays , fantasies etcetera.
5. Get rid of photos , emails etcetera

SELF LOVE
1. Meditations on joy and loving myself daily.
2. Exercise , plenty of sleep, minimize booze, no drugs etc.
3. Read inspiring self development books .
4. Massages , mani-pedis , make up sessions in a store , soaking up the sun….an amzing vacation..

MOVING ON
5. accept every invitation
6. change everything about your appearance , clothes , hair colour, style,nail polish
7.Be around people – volunteer , take a course,languages, singing , learn pole dancing or Zumba
8.Visualise the new exciting things you want in your life , eg travel, new job, new home etcetera , and take steps towards new goals.

After doing all this I managed to change jobs, move location, spend more time with my kids , survive a major illness, make new friends , go to Europe and get back to old joys. Whilst i dont feel neutral about him yet I am really enjoying my life and dating widely with a genuine smile.
Good luck!
Jane101 95

My take on the guy that is keeping his options open by random texts or even dates now and then is , fine by me , as long as I am not in love with him and never have been. Otherwise, its just dates and contacts and socialising and I will decide if it feels good to engage or not.

I will file him in the friends basket , I will not sleep with him (or else I might fall in love with someone unavailable ) and I will enjoy the contact if it suits me at the time and if NOTHING BETTER COMES ALONG meanwhile.

So a guy that does this sort of stuff loses leverage with me instantly , loses any prospect of sex with me and will only ever be a casual friend.

If I ever was in love with him or felt other strong feelings , negative or positive for him, then NO CONTACT, no response , no interaction. Otherwise I am just playing games with my own heart.

Its all about me.
Peachy 96

The first time he dumped me without notica wa because he got a notice from IRS that he may owe $140k. Freaked home and I let go. He contacted me six months later after he rec’d a Spam e-mail from me.

Wanted to come over and we reunited. Everything great until I said the three words of death. I love you. Hell, we are 60 and 62. So he broke up with me because hecdicn’t feel the same spark with me he felt when he fell in love with his wife at 20 in college. Really?
JD 97

Thanks for this Evan. I reread your post because I have my first date after a pretty horrific break-up. My ex-fiance canceled our wedding on the phone (we were long-distance) and didn’t want to see me or explain his reasons. Less than 24 hours before, he had told me that he loved me and couldn’t wait to marry me (our wedding was just 3 months away, invitations were out, and everything was set–I was quitting my job, selling my house, moving my children, and looking for another job). We had known each other for over 32 years and had been friends for a long time as well as dated in high school, college, and even grad school. I was shocked and devastated. He was 47 and never married. He had a habit of bolting when things go too serious. I just never expected that he would do that to me, to us! Any way, it’s been hard to get over him, but you explained it pretty well….he left and didn’t want me. That makes him not right for me. I deserve someone who can love me unconditionally and through the difficult times. I just needed to read it again. Thanks Evan!
Dolly81 98

I’m in a really shitty situation. I have been reading a few of the posts and comments and I don’t know whether I feel better or worse because as I thought, its looking like I drove this guy away. We had been seeing each other for a few weeks even though I have known him for years and were on and off contact wise. I know that he has a tendency to not commit and just leave women and I know that one woman who he drove mad by doing this was constantly contacting him looking to know why he left and trying to win him back etc. He blocked her off his phone and all else eventually. He still has her on facebook but thinks shes nuts and tries his best to avoid her. I was with him a few yrs ago, didn’t have sex or anything, more kissy cuddly stuff. Just for a night or so. He went on about how he was looking forward to giving things a go with me. Then all of a sudden he backed away without word. I mailed him saying how I felt and that I did not want to be treated like that girl before me as I was nothing like her and deserved a bit more respect seeing as we were friends before anything else. At this point he told me it was him and not me and that he was sorry but thats just the way he is etc… He tried to come back some time later at all hrs of the night saying he thought he may love me. Now, he had granted had a few beers on him so I didnt think too much of that and again I didnt see him for a long time. Recently I was sitting having a few drinks with a friend and spotted this guy on facebook chat. By now, it was least 2 yrs since we spoke and I was well shot of him but didnt feel in any bad way over him. I just said hi stranger and he spoke back, called me. We arranged that he call over for drinks the following night at which point I joked that I knew what he was like and that it would all change in the morning and that he wouldn’t bother. He said that he wouldnt because he would really like to see me again. He came up, stayed over, didnt have sex as he said he didnt want me to think thats all he came up for. Had a nice night and he even fixed my toilet that broke the next day. I let him go and expected him to go off radar again. We even joked, we should do it again in another few years. He didnt go off the radar after all. Rang me again during week on his break etc… Came down for more nights together. I played very cool as I knew he scared easy. Let him do all the ringing save for a few drunk texts at the weekend but he knows I am a disaster for drunk texting so it wasnt an issue. Then for some inane reason, after I bloody well had him, I started banging on about this get together I was having for my birthday. My male friends were away so there was going to be just some women. I KNEW he was nervous about this and instead of telling him it was ok and I didnt expect him to come, I feel now I was pressurising. Up until the night before he said he was coming but would come early for a few drinks before everyone else for some dutch courage. Next evening when he was practically due to be there he sent me a text saying, ” I know your going to hate me but i wont make it up tonight. Really sorry babes” AGAIN, for some inane reason and gut feeling, I texted back saying “What? No reason? Just finishing up in a text?” Got nothing so then I sent one saying that as the women were saying also, it was understandable that he didn’t come under the circumstances but that if there was more to it than that and I would prefer to know. Nothing back either so just sort of reiterated it again in another text. Last text I sent was the next morning saying something like he had ruined my night, it was a disaster and that my friends ended up arguing etc…. I did apologise the next day for my texts and reiterated that I understood why he didnt come but that I was dissapointed at how it was left. It didnt even deliver so I reckon like he has done to people before that I am now blocked. Its devastating! Feel like he has completely taken my dignity by not even allowing me to say a thing or him to say a thing. Dont feel I deserved that. I would never do that during week or anything and he knows from previous conversations that I would never stalk him either cyber wise or otherwise. Of course I was going to be upset at him just blanking me like that and on account of it being my birthday as well. He swore he wasnt going to mess me around again and now he’s left me feeling like I am stupid and very foolish. Can’t stand that he is left with this impression of me that he never had before and that I am in that category of women that he feels are nuts. I know maybe a lot of it is that he doesnt like confrontation and its just easier for him to block it all. I dont even have the comfort that at least he can see that Im not emailing frantically or texting him off the wall (which I wouldnt) because he has me blocked on everything.
Luisa 99

@Dolly81 – you knew better than anyone that the guy you were talking about bails easily. You knew it right from the start, yet you couldn’t help pursuing him once he started backing away. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it. It’s not worth it. So, he blocked your number…take it as a lesson for next time. When your insecurities and anxieties go into over-drive that’s your cue to take a step back. Sometimes when we’re too close to a situation, we can’t see clearly.
I’m going from my own experience. I recently went out with a guy who turned out to be an active avoider…things progressed really quickly (too quickly) with him and then a few weeks later, where is he now? Gone. I was gutted and it took me a couple of weeks to get my head around it. I deleted his number and threw out all the gifts, cards etc he’s given me. Just when he got me and I started to believe it. I realised that as Evan says, he was being in the moment. But people can change their minds, get scared themselves or simply lose interest.
Like he said to you, it wasn’t you, it was him. I know it’s easier said than done but let him go. Next time, I’ll take it easy. I won’t get suckered into the nice words and plans so early on. I’ll let things unfold naturally, at their own pace, in their own time. You will meet other men, some will come and some will go. Keep your heart open and take it one date at a time. Whatever happens, you’ll be OK.
Nicole 100

I told the man that I was dating (and i say dating because he would never make us an official couple) that I loved him after a year. That seemed to be the demise of our relationship. He would continue to pull away from me for weeks and otheweek kels want to spend a few days at a time with me. All the while never making a verbal commitment to me he would treat me as though he cared about me whem we were together, openinag doors, making me dinners, cuddling with me and send me sweet messages that he missed me. I eventually found out that he several other woman he had been sleeping with or slept with. I pondered on our conversations about our lives wondering when he would find the time to be with his children, have a busy work week, spend his time with me….and still find the time to be with all these other women. It was confusing how he managed to find so much time in his “supposed” busy week for all of his extra carricular activities to me, when I myself am a single working mother, raising two children, trying to make time for them, sometimes with jobs, and somehow making time for him. Am I bitter much now after our failed “dating”….yes. Now, I’m just trying to move past the relationship that was deceitful and damaging to my spirits becausso for some reason I still feel love for that unloving man and wish I didn’t.
Lynn 101

I’m very heart broken and have taken some of this advise to heart… I am new to dating. I was very young when I married, right out of high school, I was 17 and never dated when I met my ex-husband, 18 when we married he was the first man I fell in love with, second man I had been on a date with. We were married 25 years when I found out he liked children. I was alone for almost ten years after that and I turned to food for comfort. I turned 50, my children left home and I found myself alone and way over weight. I took control lost 100lbs and started to date. I’ve never really dated so had no idea of rules or what was expected. I dated a nice man thought I was in love but he was very helpful in helping me figure out what I want and what he could not give me, we are now friends. I met another man online we e-mailed and then we dated once it was wonderful and we decided to continue to date, then the holidays/family came between us and I didn’t hear from him so I reconnected by calling him in January. We had so many things in common and I wanted to get to know him better. We started dating more and had developed an amazing connection …we could talk to each other very openly and what I thought was honestly, I was always completely honest and up front with him…and there was such electricity and connection between us it felt very easy. He treated me so well, so nice. He introduced me as his girl friend at his sisters wedding to his family.. I was in heaven thought he was feeling the same as I was… then I made the mistake of telling him (two days later) that I loved him. The first thing he said was ‘ I was afraid of that.’then he told me ‘I don’t love you, you are not my soul mate, we have this great connection and there is electricity and it is, wow, but we are not compatible for a long term relationship. I asked him when he was going to tell me he said he was going to soon, but his sisters wedding came up and I had offered to do the flowers. My mind tells me he used me to do the flowers for his sister. My heart tells me he couldn’t be that person…. to use me like that.
It was out of the blue. A shock, I couldn’t help it I let a few tears slip out …I tried not to. I didn’t want him to feel bad for telling me the truth. I said something about the things we had planned to do and he said maybe we could be friends. I told him I wasn’t sure if I could do that…. I saw no signs, no clue’s that he wasn’t feeling the same. I trusted him. Now I can’t seem to get over him. A week later when I went to pick up a few of my things, I offered a friends with benefits option (thinking I would be ok with it at the time) he refused and said he didn’t run that way, but we could be together for one more time, he then wanted me to promise we would just be friends. I refused that night but the next morning I said yes thinking if I could just keep him in my life things might change. I have seen him a few time’s after the break up. Once for support at a funeral a few weeks after the break up that he promised to go with me to…he did and then called me sweetheart during the dinner. It devastated me again because I wanted it to be true. I was confused even more trying to think why he said it. I realized it was just a slip, a mistake. He still had my archway I loaned him and he needed to bring it back after the wedding. He wanted to bring it and take me out for dinner. I said yes. He did and it was great we had a great time talking and enjoying an urban meal for three hours. I enjoyed his company so much, he is so nice…. and I am now more devastated then before. I feel like it was so much easier being alone. Now weeks later I just can’t seem to get him off my mind or out of my heart. I feel so naïve… I keep reading dating sites and it seems I did everything wrong. I think perhaps learning how to date at 52 is not good for a woman. I’ve tried to go back online …no responses to my online profile is just great for my self-esteem. I went on one date and realized I was making comparisons most of the time and that was not fair to this new man…So I just never got back to him. Perhaps dating is not for me if it ends up this way more often than not, at least that’s what I seem to be reading about so much. All the mistakes a woman makes to drive away the man she loves. I hope this heartache goes away sometime soon, but I’m afraid it never will…