How To Get A Guy To Like You
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As you know, one of the most fascinating things about dating is how there’s always more than meets the eye. And what we want to happen on a date doesn’t always correspond to what REALLY happens on a date.
So, just for a second, I want you think of the date to whom you were MOST attracted upon your first meeting.
Just seeing him gave you butterflies.
Just thinking about him made you tingle.
And when you weren’t with him, all you could think about was being with him again.
That attraction is an intoxicating feeling. But what happens when you’re that intoxicated by a man?
Well, if you’re like most women, you become a little obsessive. You check your cell phone constantly to see if he called or texted.
The moment you put a man on a pedestal, he’s immediately looking down at you.
You become a little needy. You talk to your friends about HIM and share his emails and all the details of your conversations.
You become a little tongue-tied. You don’t want to say the wrong thing, so you say nothing. Or you say something that’s so dumb that you can’t believe it even came out of your own mouth.
You become a little nervous. You like him so much that you don’t want to mess things up. You’re not as easygoing or charming or relaxed when he’s around.
You become overly excited by him. You let him know that you see a future. You issue compliments and proclamations that are immensely flattering to this new man.
You become a little weak. You’re so impressed with him and so concerned with what he thinks, that you put him up on a pedestal, where you think he belongs.
This is what I call The Pedestal Principle:
“The moment you put a man on a pedestal, he’s immediately looking down at you.”
This is the unfortunate part of what it means to be intoxicated by a man.
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30 Comments »Filed Under Dating
Cheryl 1
Oh my gosh! Needed this reminder today. Thanks so much.
Debbie 2
Oooh, perfect timing indeed! I’m on the verge of a fourth date with a really great guy, I will definitely keep this in mind!!
still looking 3
Evan – I’ve scared women away by being too smitten and have been scared away by women who came on too strong. Great advice, as always.
Don’t you think that with your years of being a dating coach, talking with thousands of women, and dating hundreds of women that you actually understand women better than men and should be providing advice targeted to men?
I’ve learned much from reading your articles and the comments from your readers. Have you considered expanding your target audience to include both women and men? I think both would benefit to learn from the advice that you give men!
amazingg0477 4
This is so coincidentally well-timed that it’s scaring me! Doing the 4th date set-up dance right now as well with visions of Brady-Bunch harmony dancing in my head. Great reminder to cut it out, enjoy it, relax and stop projecting! I am so guilty of this. The over-analyzing, the effusive compliments, etc.
Sayanta 5
Still Looking-
I don’t think men care to be advised. I believe EMK said that himself- am I right?
Evan Marc Katz 6
Thanks for the kind words, Still Looking. I really do love coaching men, and I did, for the first 6 years of my business. My Finding the One Online audio program is unisex as well and that came out in 2008. But in 2010, I rebranded my business for smart, strong, successful women, since that was the majority of the women who were investing in coaching. I did, however, cut off about 20% of my business, which was comprised of nice guys who needed a little confidence, experience and “edge”. It’s very easy to help these men because women NEED nice, relationship-oriented guys – if only they had a little more swagger and leadership. Long story short: my focus on women was purely a business decision and has little to do with my ability to help men. Maybe, one day, I’ll get back to it.
Lynn 7
Great advice as usual, Evan. I also know that when I have unfortunately assumed the role of the “puppy dog” in the past, I was seeing everything through rose-colored glasses. So much so, that I missed major red flags.
And what a coincidence, everybody . . . . I just had a fourth date. Love is in the springtime air.
NN 8
Hot men.. tongue tied?
What is that?
Explanation:
I don’t drink, I seldom go to bars – I don’t meet men that way.
I meet men from dating sites, those who approach me but honestly – that “tongue-tied” has never happened to me on a date with them.
In short on a date I have never ever met an exciting man…
The best dates (from a dating site/ chat) have been excitement level “sure I could meet him again”.. which is just to check if there would be something. (and I say that after 400+ first coffee dates. )
But that second date comes to nothing.
I just get bored with them, and I intentionally push them away with talking about something they find too deep. (Ethics, animal rights, euthanasia etc)
Easiest to turn them down that way, I don’t need to make excuses to them the next time.
Example:
I had a speed date I had last week – 3 minutes each – 25 men in all. They were regular guys, not better, not worse.. and no sparks from my side to any of them..
Even I was not interested, I was talkative => I got 12 ‘+’s from them, but as I said – no sparks in my side (- so none of them interests me enough that I would think that I could open my legs with any of them… )
So I decided to change tactics a bit. So that 3 hours spent in that speed date wouldn’t have been a total waste of time, I tried another approach when giving a “+” to a man.
I decided that he was worth a + when I felt I could talk him again.. so I gave 3 +s…
Well, 2 of them wrote to me same day;
One guy couldn’t spell, so no go there.
The other, I should set a date, but if I remember him correctly, there is nothing to wait. =/..
the third, I can’t remember him, so why waste time with him either?
Back to hot men:
Those “hot” men who seem to online, I don’t approach them..
Reason: they have lots of female contacts without me, if they don’t approach me, why would I approach them? They are not interested enough to approach, and that is that.
IRL – there are men who _are_ hot and attractive.. and attraction when we talk seems to be mutual. (I see one or two in every place where I work… I work in 5-7 places within a year )
When I do meet a hot man, he usually sees me as an attractive woman, .. but the men I meet at work.. They are _not_ single, therefore those hot dates, they never happen - I am not poaching type.
But we have often lots of laughs and fun flirtations, as I am not a tongue-tied type.. =) .. but that is evident to both, that it is just that. I am not even Facebook friends with them when I move to next place.
If any of them (at work) was single and was trying to hit me.. THEN I might lose my composure and start stammering, but as it is, they are off-limits, so that doesn’t happen.
So where do you get those hot dates that make you tongue-tied? I just don’t get it.. =)
Gem 9
Didn’t Evan post a study awhile ago that concluded that when people are not quite sure where they stand with the opposite sex early on, their attraction goes up? Or something to that effect?
Having that bit of mystery, not letting on that butterflies have taken up residence in your stomach only adds to the turn-on. Someone falling at me feet right away makes me feel like they are smitten with my looks or a fantasy they’ve built up in their mind of who I am. It surely can’t be ME when they don’t even know me yet.
Margo 10
Great post. These are the kinds of posts I’ve come to expect and appreciate from Evan. No-nonsense advice about how to deal with guys.
Anita 11
Evan, does this apply to relationship that is established? Just curious. Or is it more applicable on the “getting-to-know-you” stage?
Evan Marc Katz 12
Anita,
This post was written in reference to first dates, in particular. I would just ask you to consider what it’s like to be in a relationship with a man when you feel butterflies and you don’t know where you stand with him. It’s awful. I have a few clients going through it right now. In fact, butterflies is one of the best predictors of relationship failure I can imagine, not in the least because you’re not acting like your normal self.
Good relationships are much more “best friends…with benefits” than “lust and obsession…and we are on different pages with everything else”.
Once you can wean yourself off the idea that your future husband is the man who makes you weak in the knees, you can start making clear-headed decisions about love, instead of hormonal and emotional ones, which almost inevitably lead to accepting subpar treatment from a guy you’re attracted to.
Does that help?
Evelyn 13
Evan,
Every time I read you saying “butterflies is one of the best predictors of relationship failure,” I think – that can’t be right.
I think there might be two different types of “butterflies” here. There are the ones that make you feel ill, scared, nervous, and out-of-breath (like on a third date)… but then there are the ones that make you feel excited, delirious, dizzy, and nervous. While the first kind would definitely be bad in a bf/gf relationship, the second kind is ESSENTIAL. I think that, if you don’t (at least SOMETIMES) feel excited when you’re about to meet up with your man, or nervous when you wonder how he feels about you, or dizzy with the happiness he makes you feel, or thrilled/tingly when he kisses you… then there is some essential chemistry and passion missing in the relationship, and boredom/discontent will easily settle in after a few years. Even if you love each other and are attracted, those “butterflies” make things so much better. And if they’re not there with one guy, you may be wondering, after a few years, if you could have them with someone else.
Lisa 14
So true Evan! I am living proof of this. I was married to an “alpha” for 5 years and it was a nightmare of a marriage. I couldn’t see past my attraction and I ignored all the red flags. I got my daughter out of it, so I can’t really have regrets, but I wish I knew then what I know now.
Keep preaching your message, Evan. There are plenty of us out there listening.
Evan Marc Katz 15
@Evelyn…quick question: The men who gave you the butterflies… where are they now?
Fawn 16
In support of Evan and the butterfly effect – I just have to say I 100% agree. My current boyfriend did not give me butterflies. We started out as friends and it grew from there. He is an amazing man, but I see him from a crystal clear perspective. In contrast, anytime I have ever felt excited, delirious or dizzy, it ended badly. That feeling blinds you to all the red flags that may be waving. I feel like I finally found something real.
SS 17
LOL at Evan #15.
I know I’m not married to any men who gave me butterflies on the first or second date. I didn’t even get past three months with any of those guys.
I married the guy that DIDN’T give me butterflies.
Teresa 18
My ex h didn’t give me butterflies I thought that boded well for the marriage lasting so much for that.
I agree don’t put a man on a pedestal dont become needy and obessive there has to be some lust there along with the friendship though.
Fawn 19
@18 – With love comes desire. I prefer “desire” over “lust.” You can desire someone without the butterflies. I certainly do.
sharon 20
I love my friends. I don’t desire them. How can anyone have sex with some one with out lust? It’s like marriage without love. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Well I guess maybe for hookers and gold diggers but they’re lusting after something else.
Angie 21
@Sharon
He didn’t say there should be a lack of lust. He said it shouldn’t be exclusively lust. ANY relationship is off-balance if one person is more interested than the other. I’ve read (not in dating material, but pyschology/intuition material) that “butterflies” aren’t necessarily indicating that you feel good, and that sometimes they actually mean you feel concerned/nervous because you feel like someone else is controlling you. (I don’t think that is exact, but close).
I don’t like when men put me on a pedestal either. Last week I gave a guy my number. The NEXT day, around lunchtime, I got a “It was a pleasure meeting you” text. 3 hours later “But if the feeling wasn’t mutual, I understand” text. 3 hours later my phone was ringing… Yes, both ways. It’s too much and frightening.
Guys have a hard time telling if the person is interested, though, so it’s hard to find that line between not obsessed but interested.
Anita 22
Evan #12
Evan, I so agree with you. I thought I was going bananas about a good long term relationship being best friends with benefits. If a guy doesn’t understand that concept, well I should thank God that he is now gone because he is looking for something elusive without really knowing the person. (I guess he is lacking emotional maturity).
Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions and clarify any confusion. It is encouraging for me to see men like you do exist in this world.
sharon 23
@ Angie
I was responding to Fawn sorry for the confusion.
starthrower68 24
A good reminder. The damage may be done for me and it may be too late but oh well. Live and learn.
Margo 25
@SS#17, “I married the guy who DIDN’T give me butterflies”. SS how is that working for you? Honestly, I would be scared to marry a man who didn’t give me butterflies for fear that the sex wouldn’t do it for me.
SS 26
Margo, it’s wonderful! I have never had such a healthy and strong relationship before in my life and we are totally attracted to each other. (The sex is good too… in fact, he says he has a hard time keeping up with me, lol)
The point is though that I didn’t fall head over heels when we first met (like I did with every other guy I dated before). I got to know him without bringing sex into the equation for a few months, spent time talking and just seeing where things went. If no interest had developed on my part, I would have let him go. But by Month 3, I knew I was interested. I think he was interested after the first date!
After we became exclusive, the feeling that I had was more one of internal satisfaction and security, moreso than butterflies. I couldn’t wait to see him, for example, but I never felt that kinda nervous/jumpy feeling that goes with butterflies. It was more like, “Yay, he’s here!” and I instantly felt relaxed and comfortable… like I knew that I was safe and protected with him and most of all… I knew he’d be back after our date was over and that he would call.
All of that made him infinitely more attractive to me and actually made me want sex more. I know I hated the feeling in the past of always being on eggshells with a man — even if we were supposedly exclusive — and always having to think, “Okay, this was a great date/evening together, but when will I hear from him again? Will I hear from him again?”
I think my “butterflies” in such situations resulted from a combination of excitement and a bit of fear of the unknown.
So when he proposed, I happily accepted. I’m still a newlywed, but I feel our relationship grows stronger each day and I fall in love every time I see him.
melie 27
Hmm! If I had know then, this bit of information, I would have run and run fast, from my ex. It prohibits me from continuing to meet for 2nd dates and helps me to know who won’t work…period! Thanks Evan.
AS 28
Good post – it’s so true that when you stop and put yourself in a guy’s shoes it certainly puts things into perspective! But I wonder, how many guys would try and put themselves into a woman’s shoes when she is behaving all ‘puppy dog’ and try not to hold it against her?
SY 29
But how soon is too soon? Is it ok to show I’m smitten by someone anytime in the relationship? Perhaps 3-4 month being exclusive? Or should I play cool all along and once I show interest I might scare off my love interest?
rhona 30
Great article and great reading…Good reminder for everyone! Nice post.