How to Know If You’re Wasting Time on the Wrong Men

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One of the most common things I hear from my clients is this: “I understand that I have to compromise on some things to be in a relationship, but how do I know WHAT I should compromise on?”

If you’ve ever asked yourself the same question, I understand.

There have been a number of times in your past when you thought you met the “right” man…and yet he turned out, like all the others, to be WRONG.

The entire time I was dating my wife, I wasn’t sure whether I was making the right decision.

I wanted to be sure in my heart.
I wanted to feel that sense of blind confidence.
I wanted to “just know” that she was the “right” person for me.

But as you know, there have been a number of times in your past when you thought you met the “right” man…and yet he turned out, like all the others, to be WRONG.

So much for “knowing”.

As a dating coach, I’m constantly working with you to refine your choices – to ensure that you don’t waste time on the wrong men, and learn to invest in the good ones.

It’s not easy. It doesn’t always come naturally. But it has some incredible rewards.

Which is why I want to tell you what REALLY matters in a man…

Yesterday, I was instant messaging an old friend on Facebook. Tami’s a delightful person whom I’ve known since early childhood – attractive, athletic, intelligent, funny, successful, and the mother of two beautiful children.

She also told me that she’s getting divorced.

Her husband cheated on her multiple times – and Tami’s rightfully furious.

She’s questioning the meaning of her entire relationship.
She’s questioning how she’s ever going to find love again in the future.
Most of all, she’s questioning her own judgment, which is the hardest thing to do when you pride yourself on being intelligent and rational.

From what little I learned about Tami and her husband, it seemed clear that she willfully ignored his selfish, narcissistic tendencies because of what came with the rest of the package – cute, smart, successful, etc.

Have you ever done the same thing? I’m betting you have. And I’m betting that you’re a lot better off without that guy than you are with him.

Which brings me to the crux of today’s post: how do you KNOW if someone is a good guy or a bad guy?

For this answer, I want to enlist another story – that of Jean-Dominique Bauby – the former editor of French Elle magazine, who, after suffering from a stroke, became completely paralyzed, except for his left eyelid.

Bauby’s story was immortalized in the movie, “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”, but it really got me to thinking:

If you had EVERYTHING taken away from you – your body, your job, your whole self-definition – what would you be left with?

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82 Comments »Filed Under Dating

82 Responses to “How to Know If You’re Wasting Time on the Wrong Men”

Shay 1

Just the answer I need, Evan. Thanks.
Christina 2

Chemistry helps get you started, but Character is what makes it last. No question Character is the most important thing for long-term relationships and seems to be most frequently overlooked as well!
Greg 3

100% right as usual.
A 4

You just made my day. I got dumped at 10:30pm last night by the guy I thought I was going to marry, who told me he just doesn’t have time to prioritize our relationship over his demanding job right now. I was wondering whether or not his honest assessment of how much he could give was honorable, and whether or not his success, good looks, intelligence and ambition were worth waiting around until he could give me more time- but you said it and you said it clear- if he’s not prioritizing me now, he’s never going to.

Thanks for helping one lucky female break away!
Spiral 5

Brilliant, Evan!
We should post this everywhere, forward it to everyone, write it on bathroom stalls, slip it between pages of books entitled “Get Younger and Thinner Now”.
Kim 6

I really like this and it makes sense. Character will last in the relationships and will sustain it, not the chemistry. And the guy that does not prioritize you now, will never priotize you – I could of saved a lot of time with this one in prior relationships. It seems that you really tune in to how the guy is treating you now, will be the future. Now the question remains: What Characters in guy do you want?
Ruby 7

I think that the things that are often important to us when we’re young change as we get older. Appearances may be really important when you”re 22, but character becomes more important when you’re over 40 and have lived a bit. Yes, some chemistry has to be present, but you also learn that deeper qualities like honesty and dependability are must-haves. I think that’s why I take a lot more time getting to know a man than I did when I was younger. It takes more time to discover those deeper qualities that exist below the surface.
E 8

I’ve been wondering the same thing – at the start of something that started online and seemed to have potential. A guy who lives 100 miles away, so it’s long distance. Three weeks ago, he was changing his work commitments around so he could come over once a week. But he’s starting his own business, and suddenly lots of freelance work is coming in and he’s too busy to plan to see me. Despite the fact that we talk on the phone or skype most days (does this count as being on his list of priorities?) I feel at the bottom of his list of priorities, and my confidence in this has drained away . . . I suppose Evan would say it’s a no-brainer!
Sharon 9

I have excellent taste in character. It’s why I’m surrounded by such wonderful friends. The challenge is finding someone that you have that amazing connection with like your loyal friends that you also want to have sex with oh and then also they also have to want to have sex with you.

Chemistry may not be they glue of a good relationship but it is the defining characteristic between a friendship and a relationship.

And if I’m paralyzed all except and eyelid I really hope someone has does me the curtesy of putting me out of my misery.
Kiri 10

Uh, Jean-Dominique Bauby was a notorious womanizer and asshole. Then he had a stroke, and couldn’t womanize anymore because he COULDN’T MOVE. And he wrote a short but compelling book. Not sure what your point is here. Date a man with locked-in syndrome?
Evan Marc Katz 11

Very insightful, Kiri. That’s exactly what I was saying. Thanks for your contributions to a thoughtful discussion about what to look for in a man.
Dawn 12

This is probably one of my favorite posts you’ve written. After my failed marriage I fell in love with the charming, charismatic type and it’s taken me forever to get over the subsequent (and predictable) heartbreak. Then, because I wanted a true partner and to evolve past my flawed dating patterns, I read your e-book, ordered your course for online dating and read every blog post you’d written.

I followed your guide for writing my profile and received compliments from men all over the world- some of whom I’d never meet- saying it was one of the best profiles they’d ever seen. Several said I should charge money to write profiles for other people (haha) and one said I inspired him and put him to shame and that he was going to re-write his immediately. I enjoyed dating several different kinds of men for the first time in my life (I sort of missed out on the dating scene in my 20′s and married young) and went through one more heartbreak. Your online columns pushed me to keep opening my heart and put myself back out there.

And now- at age 36 and a mere nine months after my first online date- I’m with a man who is crazy about me and knew very quickly that he wanted to be exclusive; a man of integrity and character; a man who I’m attracted to and have great sex with; a man who really wants to know me; a man who cheers me on in every part of my life; a man who introduced me to his family and friends; a man who loves my family and they love him; a man who integrates me into his life and loves being part of mine; a man who said “I love you,” first and speaks often of our future lives together; a man who says, “I want to help you make your dreams come true.”

The extreme chemistry isn’t there in the same way… I don’t get giddy or sick to my stomach around him. For a while that confused me because that’s what I thought love was. But now I just know, for the first time ever, that I’m with a real partner who is going to be there for me every day- whose unfailing generosity, kindness and thoughtfulness brings me to tears. This is a man who, when he read my profile for the first time said, “Where have you been?”

Thank you, Evan, for helping us shift the paradigm of love and dating. It’s not easy to do and takes conscious effort to break life-long personal and societal patterns but I’m another woman who can now say with confidence, gratitude and joy: IT WORKS.
aw shucks 13

Funny you should mention this movie. A guy I dated briefly who turned out to be no good and I definitely was not a high priority actually suggested that film to me. I watched it. It’s a good movie. And the guy’s still a selfish douche.
Affair Survivor 14

This is spot on! Character is what we should use to determine whether we trust someone or not. I wouldn’t trust a man because he is rich, charming, successful, etc. Rather, who he is deep down. Can I trust him with my feelings, my thoughts, my life, my heart? Character is what leads me to that decision. Passion and lust can easily get in the way of making that decision.
My wonderful boyfriend and I both agree that the kindness we see in each other is far more important than anything else. Our passion hovers around a 5 on most days ans occasionally it’s a 10.5! But everyday we feel the utmost respect, admitration, love and trust for each other.
Sayanta 15

Kiri–

THAT’s what you got from Evan’s post? You’re kidding, right???
MovingOn 16

What a very timely post – it is really speaking to me LOUD and CLEAR. I have been seeing a man off and on for over 5 years. What keeps breaking us up is his lack of character; and never following through on what he says is going to happen with our future.

He always tries to win me back with great words, empty promises, yadda yay. He is in “trying to get me back mode” currently. One of my best friends passed away last night (44 years young with 4 children). I am devastated. I was talking to him on the phone about ‘life after death’ and just throwing things around about what thoughts I had been having since the news. I told him I was going to go take a shower and get things done today, he replied with ” would you mind taking the web cam in with you?” SO much for caring about my feelings, where I am at, and what is important to me at the moment. SELFISH IDIOT! NO character at all! My response was CLICK! BYE-BYE!

Some people are just so shallow, have no character, no empathy towards others. The bottom line is lack of character. I know if I was hospice, he would probably be too busy to visit me, especially if it didn’t include a booty call. Sorry, just getting rid of my stress and totally agreeing with what Evan’s article is stating.
Tyler 17

I really enjoyed this article. You’re spot on in determining matching values and how character is something that can be subtly overlooked, and yet, one of the most important aspects to long-term relationships.
AQ 18

Love it
Dan 19

Interesting post. What if the woman doesn’t want a guy to dote over her like that? What if she prefers to have her own space and freedom, and to build a career?
I’ve dated a few women like that, as have my guy friends. They say these guys are smothering them, and they want their freedom.
ashley 20

” There are no shortage of impressive men out there who make you tingle every time you think of them – but they’re WORTHLESS if they don’t put YOU first” the wise man said it the best ! this should be the dating rule number 1 !
Mel 21

Yes, you are correct. I ended a relationship with a guy who was the essence of selfish on Jan 1st. After dating a number of guys online who just didn’t have enough character I met one of the nicest guys in mid-Feb. We’ve been dating ever since. I’ve never had to question where I stand with him. He’s always doing little things for me and taking care of me. He’s the best gift giver because he gives things that are exactly what I need and show that he’s paying attention. For instance, he got me a second charger for my computer because I always forget to pack my charger. He didn’t have to. He could have let me get one through work or something else. And yet he saw something stressing me out and just fixed it. He’s a keeper.
Fawn 22

@Dan – simple answer. Don’t date girls like that – especially if you are looking for someone to dote on.
melie 23

Evan; You are so right! Take away the fluff and you are left with the real men.
still looking 24

E @ 8
Your boyfriend has just started a new business and at THIS moment he doesn’t have time to see you. I don’t think this is a no-brainer situation.

We all have periods in our life when we need to prioritize our various commitments. Whether it is taking care of children or elderly parents, searching for a job, cramming for finals or a professional license exam, etc., there will always be the possibility in any relationship that someone cannot devote the time/energy to one person that he or she would like to.

If a woman cancels a weekend trip with me because her child is in the hospital, I would understand. If on occasion I have to cancel or reschedule a date because I must travel unexpectedly for work, I would hope that she understands. If on the other hand, I decided to enroll in med school and will be under tremendous pressure and have very little free time for the next 7-10 years… well I wouldn’t be surprised if she walked away.

Starting a new business is a tremendous undertaking and for those who want the business to succeed will need to devote themselves. Numerous questions come to mind:
- Will he be too busy to date for just a few weeks or a few years?
- Can you go visit him for a few hours every weekend?
- Are you willing to support him emotionally while he tries to get his new career on track?

Talking over the issues and coming up with alternatives is a much better approach than taking a hard-line stance of “I must be #1 at all times.” This is his livelihood and a little compromise from both sides might resolve all the issues.

Best of luck.
Flower White 25

What do I think? I think that you, Evan Marc Katz, is THE best male dating expert on the net today.

Everything you said is true. You’re the best. That is why I put down money and bought your book WHY HE DISAPPEARED (under a different name, btw).
pd 26

Tina @ #23

Can relate to your position being in the upper age range as well. I meet some nice guys with the same problem – unable to have sex due to a range of issues and/or medication. Like you, I’m not quite ready to give up on sex yet.

I dont know what to do either.
maria 27

I love this! The confidence it gives you. If he doesnt make you a priority NOW, he NEVER will.
That should make any woman with self love delete numbers , push her shoulders back and get BACK in the GAME!
Walt 28

Incredible post. I agree with all that Evan is saying. I do have a question to pose. This is a little similar to @Tina post above. Suppose you marry a very beautiful/handsome woman/man that you are completely attracted to. This person has it all, the character and the looks. What if this person, who was healthy and fit ballooned from 150 lbs to 400 lbs after 20 years. Now suppose that the physical attraction is completely gone, however the character still remains. Do you stick around? What if there is impotence involved as in the question posed by @Tina? Obviously you would still love this person, but don’t you have the right to desire the person you fell in love with with all the original qualities?
I have thought about this many times and I honestly don’t know the answer. I haven’t had to face the situation. I just thought it would be interesting to hear some feedback. Does character really win over anything else?
B 29

Evan, you said it. I am slightly in tears because I am young and who knows how my life will turn out, but recently met a young guy who is so kind, thoughtful, sweet, honest, but I am not physically attracted to him…but his character stood out to me. When I ask him a question, he is no short of a sincere reply.

I dont want to rush into a relationship. I want us to be friends…for a while. But I do know that I want him. Hes a special guy. He has a kind soul, I can see it. There is no pretense in him.

I once heard that we should all go for that one person who makes our heart ‘smile.” I cant agree more because when I am with him, my heart is smiling. =)
Lynn 30

Excellent post, Evan; definitely in your top ten.

When I have experienced the rush of mutual chemical attraction in the past, I was often so blinded by the circumstances. I wanted to believe that my intuition was so fine-tuned and developed that I “just knew” it was my excellent discernment of *Character* that attracted me to the man. Several times, I have experienced a huge blow to my ego when I found out that my intuition did not guide me well after all, and that I had been “blinded by the light” i.e. I thought I had been in the company of good character with my partner, but then found out otherwise. That is to say, in retrospect their character was not so amazing after all. So even if we prioritize “character” as the substance we want in man, and we think we find it, character truly proves itself over time. Or not.
Ellen 31

of course character matters. The problem is it takes time to get at a man’s character. In the meantime, you are often distracted by looks, position, wooing, sincere & insincere, scheduling, etc.Then sex clouds your judgment. It (character) just isn’t apparent immediately.

In the workplace it’s taken me several years to get a good feel for someone’s character. I decided to use as a clue my new boyfriend’s recent promotion as a sign (one anyway) that he’s a keeper (for now).

My ex had “character” I guess, of a sort, but not a solid kind heart so imo you need to try to intuit both. We aren’t all born with the same amount and depth of love. That appears to be the result of divine grace.
Artie 32

Of course you’re right Evan. Chiseled good looks and a fat wallet have nothing on deep quality of character, soul. Besides, the older I get, I’m finding that a man becomes more attractive the more he gives me his genuine attention.
But is it really only about assessing them? I often seem to be questioning my line between ‘I’m incredibly understanding’ and ‘I’m a doormat’. At what point do we question our own behaviors?
Goldie 33

@ Dan – pretty sure the post doesn’t say that the woman has to be smothered. Everyone has their own preferences and boundaries, but I think that, if you’re close enough to the woman, interested enough in her as a person, and if communication between you two is good enough, then you can figure our together where to draw the line.

Using myself as an example, I definitely like to have my space and freedom, and to build a career (kind of have to pay those bills…) I also have family that I need to take care of, so I cannot be with a guy 24/7, and do not require that of him. At the same time, I can tell when I’m not a priority to a man, and that is precisely when he does not respect my time. When he makes weekend plans and cancels at the last minute for no reason other than he’s “not in the mood today”, that means I’m not a priority. When the only way he wants to spend time together is go to my place or his place, eat whatever’s in the fridge, and have sex, that means I am not a priority, because I don’t get to do what I enjoy on my free time – we only get to do what he wants and what takes the least effort. Bottom line, if he is wasting my time in any way, that means I’m not a priority to him. Especially if we are exclusive, because that limits the ways I can spend my time when he’s not around.

It’s kind of like working at a job where you have to show up at the office at 8:00 every day, and will lose your job if you don’t. But, some days when you show up, the office is closed for no reason and you cannot get hold of anyone to find out what’s going on. Other days, you show up and your boss tells you to go home because he’s got no work for you today. Other days, you come in at 8:00 and sit there till 5:00 doing nothing, but you’re not allowed to leave. Some weeks you get your paycheck, other weeks you don’t, and you cannot tell in advance if you will get paid this week or not… but you’re still required to be there at 8:00 every morning. Clearly, to your employer, you are not a priority. You’re better off leaving this job before you find yourself fired from it.

So, with your career women, I’m pretty sure that, if you make plans with them well in advance, on a regular basis, to do something together that you both like, don’t flake on them, stay in touch on a regular basis, etc. they will see that you respect their time and will appreciate it.
Phoenics 34

I think this advice is really good… however I think that even when you believe you’ve chosen a man with high character – those men can still disappoint you. My ex-fiance was supposedly the “nicest” guy around (that’s why I chose to be with him), but he ended up cheating on me horribly and leaving me for another woman.
I would still say that he had good character – but clearly he made poor choices. I think he suffered partly from “nice-guy syndrome” and he was really good at rationalizing his behavior.
I still go for the “nice guys” now… I dated an Alpha Male once and good grief – there was chemistry to spare, but he was emotionally unavailable. I couldn’t fall in love with him. I tend to fall in love with men who “let me in”.
A friend of mine has this acronym she uses when judging men. It’s called ONES. O=Opportunity, N=Narcissism, E=Entitlement and S=Satisfaction. So, a man with low Narcissism and Entitlement, but high Satisfaction is less likely to cheat even when there is high opportunity… and so on and so forth.
I’ve found it interesting – not sure how accurate it is though!!
MK 35

That’s so true…character does count! What your saying is right because i married a man who did not put me first and at the end after 4 kids still did not put me & the kids first. Its been 3 years that he’s been gone from our lives but i’m still young and don’t want to spend my entire life alone. And I hate the dating game!
Stacy 36

I wonder how people define “making someone a priority”. The devil is always in the details. What’s “making a priority” for one person is “needy” for another. I, for one, get tired quickly of fully grown man acting like babies who need their mommy to wipe their nose when they had a bad day or something, and then when you don’t come running and stop doing whatever it is you were doing (like working for example), you’re “not making them a priority”. I am sure women in general exhibit same behavior even more though.
Shoegirl 37

Thank you Evan! This one really hit home for me. I’ve wasted my youth on the wrong men. I’m 49 and feel like I’m just starting out sometimes. After reading your posts, I feel so much more prepared in finding the right person to invest in.
Heather 38

Evan,

This is exactly what I keep telling a gay friend of mine who is in an adulterous, abusive, alcoholic relationship. The excuses I get are, “But, but, he’s so cuuuuuuuute! And, and we talk about alot of stuff!” *insert huge eyeroll here*

Indeed, character is what counts. If I think a guy is a liar or a cheat, then he becomes ugly in my eyes, no matter what he looks like on the outside. My ex husband was good looking but he was an abuser. Give me a man who has integrity, and character (and boy is that tough to find here in Washington, DC, LOL). I don’t want some empty and shallow and selfish man just because there’s sparks.

I just wish my friend, whom I love dearly but am beyond frustrated with right now, would get this. And sadly I think it may ruin or end our friendship because I refuse to support adultery or an abusive relationship.

Thank you for validating what alot of us have thought and felt….
Peter 39

@Walt. If it’s a marriage, you are obliged to maintain it whatever happens, certainly for Christian men (women have an opt out for cruelty) and hindus.. If it’s a “long term relationship” then you leave when it stops being entertaining or economically valuable. If the other party has invested heavily without marriage that is their delusion.
Peter 40

@Ashley. Children come first. Not you.
Lysa 41

@ Peter. This is why I would never date a man with kids.
Peter 42

@Lysa. Quite right too if they cannot be your priority too. I on the other hand am quite happy to marry a woman with children subject to our having relatively traditional family roles.
P 43

@Phoenics

Anyone can disappoint you, that’s true. However, you touched on the real cause of your problem with what you said: You “believed” your ex had high moral character. Believed is the operative word here. I’ve found that when people stop putting others on a pedestal when they are in a relationship (especially early on), stop drinking in the hormones and chemicals their body generates (which have this amazing tendency to make people ”overlook” things — how many people on drugs think everyone loves them or the opposite when its patently untrue?), and really rationally look at their partner and more importantly their partner’s behavior, REAL character traits quickly become apparent.

I’ve had friends think they were with someone of incredible character…but it was a BELIEF system not backed by solid evidence. In fact, the solid evidence to the contrary was there but “brushed off” because of their belief.
P 44

@Phoenics

Oh, and a point I forgot to make: You said you still believe he has good character but made poor choices. He made selfish choices and his actions indicate a lack of character and I’d say defending him is self-defeating and a trait that will allow others to treat you this way…I think potentially you may find that you aren’t really dating “nice guys” like you think. Rather, you are dating men who are lower on the character totem pole that you’ve convinced yourself are otherwise.

Always remember…ACTIONS are the determining factor in someone’s character. That your ex ALLOWED himself to make “poor choices” IS his character. Breaking up with you or leaving you wasn’t the character flaw…but cheating on you and THEN leaving you for this other person is bad character. There are no ifs ands or buts about it.
P 45

@Ellen

I’m not sure I would use someone’s promotion at work as a mechanism of determining character AT ALL–at least not the kind of character that one would want in an interpersonal relationship. In some workplaces, being ruthless and willing to screw over anyone, and even unethical behavior (directed “appropriately”) will be considered “good” for the company. Remember, most companies now value the dollar over human existence and their judges of ”character” aren’t really looking at character at all.
P 46

@Walt

That’s a good question. If it were me…I’d throw it back in the other direction. What would YOU want YOUR partner to do if the person who “changed” (became overweight, or whatever) was you? Do you want to be with someone who values your physical attributes (which are guaranteed to change) so much that when they change you are no longer worth their time? Conversely, are YOU someone who values these things in a partner so much that you would leave them in pursuit of them?

I think…interestingly enough…that the answer anyone gives to those questions goes a lot towards determining exactly what this whole thing has been discussion: Their character.
Marisa 47

I think Evan is right on the money about placing character before chemistry. Very interesting, too, to listen to him talk here (and elsewhere) about how he never had that magical “I just know” moment about his wife until after they were married.

That highlights the fact for me that men and women aren’t much different in this respect. For several years now, I’ve placed character at the top of the list. Evaluated men by their actions—such as do they call when they say they will, introduce me to their friends, fulfill their promises, integrate me into their lives, become sexually exclusive and take down their dating profiles, etc. And I count myself as a woman of character, too. I’m patient, supportive, nurturing, sexually open-minded and kind. I bring virtually no drama to the table. I generally follow Evan’s advice about being feminine and sweet and allowing the man to take the lead.

I’ve had my share men break up with me for the same reason that some women seem to dump “nice guys,” that the “fire” wasn’t there. That they loved how I bring no drama, how good I treated them, but that something was missing and they needed to find a woman where they “knew” in order to move the relationship forward, as sad that they are to lose the good stuff (and the good sex) they had with me.

Not too sure how to change that, though. Maybe I should take a salsa class or something? Hoping that this really is just a numbers game.
Saint Stephen 48

@Evan- U’re the Best!

Most of us seem to be suffering from the “Wrong one loving you Right” Syndrome.
From my personal observation i noticed that the Few ones who loved us unconditionally are often those we get to reject. He loves you unconditionally but he’s not six feet tall, he doesn’t make six figures, His presence doesn’t make you feel stomach butterflies, He’s intelligent but not college educated.
She loves you unconditionally but she isn’t hot & sexy or might be slightly older.
So we dump the ones who really loves us and unconditionally love those who may not really desire having us.
Women’s list of must haves only made it difficult for them to settle. Men mostly chase youth and beauty (intelligence is a bonus), while a lot of women seem to put intelligence, humor, height, looks, education and $$ into their list of quality basket. Given the plight of average men i’ll assert that less men are succeeding.
In my opinion i think men will be better advised to settle with a woman who loves you more than you love her- that’s if you don’t want a divorce down the road. you can only control your actions, but not that of your wife.
Shannon 49

So, I was the girl who never had to buy her own drinks, never paid a cover charge, never waited in line, etc., etc. Honestly, I never understood it and never really saw what they saw. But admittedly, once my friend pointed out to me how the ‘whole room’ reacted when I entered, I kind of played with it. Men chased me, women hated me, I never really knew what to think of any of it because I knew I wasn’t who they assumed I was and never really dated much to speak of at all.

Recently, however, I wound up in a wheelchair, unsure of how to approach life, never mind dating. Nowadays, people don’t hold the door, as a matter of fact, it’s shocking how many shut it right in my face or just watch me struggle to open it. Both men and woman will rush to beat me to the door, just to get out first. Baffling to me. Yesterday I was in the grocery, reading a product label and a guy actually pushed my chair out of his way so HE could get to the item he was looking at. No excuse me, nothing. They even step over me instead of walking around my chair. All I can think is that if I were a large woman and just took up this much room standing, no one would shove me out of the way or step over me, they’d have to walk around or ask me to move.

Although there is a good chance I’ll walk again, it likely won’t be the same walk. ;p Could be years, no way to know, so I’m left with huge insecurities and finding out fast how my looks really were all men were interested in. Since I can no longer drive, I find I stay home most of the time and my social life is non-existent. I bet the ladies in the city I used to live in would love to know how it turned out for me! haha. I still always have a smile on my face, still cheerful and funny, still the same me, just look a bit different.

There’s a guy I’ve been crazy about since just prior to my injury. He’s the great character guy, never hurt anyone guy, real stand up guy, but also the guy all the girls swoon over. Admittedly, I can’t figure this guy out, couldn’t when I was walking either though, haha. So yeah, I read your book and guess what, he isn’t calling. I’d love to say I moved on and am dating but that’s not true, although I wish it were! I haven’t figured out how to manage my new life, or lack thereof.

Anyway, yes, if you’ve already found love in a person with a great character and THEN wind up in a wheelchair, chances are they’ll stick around. But hooking a good one in this new state I’m in isn’t looking very promising these days. Not giving up, even wrote a profile on Match but chickened out and didn’t post it. I really don’t have a clue how to approach my new sitch! Still smilin’ but man, life sure is a trip!
Evan Marc Katz 50

Very sorry to hear your story, Shannon. And while you have good reason to be negative, it sounds to me like you have your head on straight. One FYI: there’s hope. And I’m not just saying that. In 2006, I had a beautiful 41 year old client in a wheelchair who wanted to have a baby. 18 months later after I put her on JDate (and rewrote her profile and took new photos and taught her to flirt), she was a mother. So don’t lose hope. Your dating pool may be significantly smaller, but the ones who’ll be interested in you will most definitely be high character guys… Good luck.
Jojo 51

Evan is absolutely right! I was just telling my friend about a date I went on yesterday. I didn’t feel amazing chemistry, but I had a great time. I felt so relaxed like I could be myself without feeling nervous and without those butterflies in my stomach. It was nice feeling comfortable without the chemicals being in the equation. I will definitely se this guy again because I like the way he treats me and he has shown interest in spending time with me. It’s nice to feel relaxed without the flaming chemistry because when I’ve felt that, the men weren’t really available. Character definetly beats chemistry!
Shannon 52

Oh God, please delete that post I made earlier. I shouldn’t have posted and certainly didn’t mean to sound negative or pathetic. There is nothing I hate more than to hear “I’m sorry…” I don’t do sympathy well, I just take things as they come and go from each new starting point. Nothing to be sorry about.
I reeeeally didn’t mean for that post to sound negative at all. Ew, please delete it. Thanks Evan. Oh, and good book, by the way.
kdr 53

# 52 Shannon:
“Negative or pathetic”? Are you kidding me? I’ve heard much worse from women who are lamenting that they’ve gained 15 pounds.
You are inspirational (and I almost never used that term; too cliched and, well, just . . . usually . . . *blech*).
CJ 54

I read this post yesterday morning.. I analyzed my relationship and came to the conclusion that my man made me a priority, which was a big deal because he is at a really difficult time in his life. He’s racked up in debt and has a job that pays him only enough to mainly just pay the interest. He’s trying to move up in life in order to make more money so he can pay off this debt; and he is constantly working. He wants to pay off his bills and get started with a better career, something he procrastinated about in the past years. I love him and I know that I was a priority, but he was sacrificing a lot to keep me on the top of the list with all his other responsibilities. Yesterday evening he ended the relationship.. saying that it wasn’t fair for me to be in a relationship with him when he can’t give me all the time I want. He can’t spend time with me or take me places because of his debt, and he is not in the place to be in a relationship right now. After the initial sadness, I remembered this post I read just that morning; and realized that I really respected this man for not wasting my time. I was actually prepared to bare with this transitional period for him, and now that I realize it – I was prepared to lose my priority status in his life. I am so thankful that he didn’t let me do this, and made the mature decision himself. Thanks Evan for helping all of us with your advice and bringing attention to these facts we want to purposefully overlook sometimes. I am a new reader and this post came just in time .
Craig 55

In my opinion there is no particular way in which to determine whether someone is a “good guy”. How do we define good? Is it within parameters that are measurable? In some societal ways yes it is however in others it can only be measured by the expectations and standards of the individual who percieves this person.
If a guy can stand you at your worst then he most certainly deserves you at your best. Many won’t be able to survive this test of character particularly over a significant timescale.
Sharon 56

Craig

“Good” for you is how I’d define it. I guy can be a saint and still blow you off because he isn’t interested. Is he now a bad person for hurting you’re feeling of course not. But he’s bad for you. Entirely relative. And I agreed people are not perfect all the time so most likely that person would do something that is bad for you at one point or another but I think if you’re getting 80/20 of good to bad you’ve got something going.
Chelsey King 57

A real man should know how to balance his priorities in life. There’s no such thing as ” GOOD GUY” or a ” PERFECT GUY” it’s just a matter of how he handle things in his own ” good way ”
Elle 58

Great dialog everyone. Character is key. Listening to our guttural instincts is also critical. Justifying behavior to make ourselves feel better and to escape any difficult realizations only delays what is inevitable.
Kristen 59

Thanks for a posting that’s a good reminder, Evan. I have to admit that in my present relationship of about a year, I did feel strong chemistry and that desperate feeling. I’m chalking up the panic to my personal baggage plowing head into the possibility that he was going to be transferred to a new city for his job. I had to work really hard to curb myself from acting too needy and pushing things to go too fast. Despite my crazy-making feelings I knew this would be a bad move, and I knew that it really isn’t my style anyway. So, we’ve progressed nicely in our relationship and his contract was renewed here. I guess the real point of my posting is that I have really loved how consistent this guy has been in terms of calling, making plans, showing attraction to me, not being a player, and being willing to try some new stuff (sports, concerts, etc.) when I ask. This feels like a solid foundation for a relationship. I had second guessed myself thinking that because I had intense chemistry with him there was a problem…but the consistency is making me a lot less worried. Maybe I’m taking the chemistry warning a bit too seriously!
Curious 60

Evan,
You have mentioned numerous times that you questioned, when dating, whether your wife was the one. How do you feel when a man openly questions to his girlfriend whether she is smart enough, if her genetics are good enough (there is cancer and learning disabilities in the family), if she is ultimately the one for him? He is constantly telling her that he isn’t sure what he should be “compromising” and what he shouldn’t. He loves her etc etc but what about their longterm potential? Anyway, I wanted to know your thoughts on this if possible…
Thanks,
Curious
Evan Marc Katz 61

@Curious: I usually don’t take questions in the comments, but I thought this one was interesting. The only thing your guy is really guilty of, my friend, is thinking out loud. He’s saying things to you that most people relegate to their inner voice. Which is why it sounds so rude, judgmental and offputting. Yet that’s what our inner voices sound like – they think the things we darenot say, lest we be labeled arrogant, abrasive or tactless.

Can you tell I’ve thought about this a lot?

I openly questioned some things with my girlfriend before she became my wife and while it sometimes stung, she appreciated that at least I was telling her the truth…which her cheating first husband certainly did not.

So I would sooner judge your boyfriend based on his actions – his kindness – his consistency – his desire for wife/kids, than for the 2% of the time he leaks his innermost worries. That said, if it starts to feel bad and insulting, then perhaps you need a man who holds you in higher esteem. Just don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater just because your feelings are hurt, okay?
Shay 62

Curious, at least he is comfortable enough to tell you of his concerns.

Some guys just string girls along with sweet talk and pretending there is no issue until one day he decided to disappear.
Curious 63

Thanks for answering, Evan. It was a question for a close friend actually, and she thinks you are a “genius.” I am relieved to hear your answer about this situation. Fresh off a divorce myself, I can be too quick to say run.
Josie 64

Gosh totally love this article just what I need Evan!
Been dating this man for 6 months was great at first but after sleeping with him, kinda see the true side of him. (less ocntact, less caring etc) You are right must pick someone who treats you as priority if he doesn’t now, never will! Just what I need to hear Thx!!!!
Melody 65

I agree with this article whole heartedly. My ex husband had an affair and no amount of chemistry could make up for that betrayal.

But now that I’m back in the dating world (met my ex at age 18 and divorced at 28 do I’m really low on dating experience) I don’t understand is the line between dating, relationship, and when you should start to be a priority as opposed to a casual date… If Ive gone on 8 dates with a guy and I’m not getting frequent or phone calls, is that “not a priority” or is that normal interaction for early dating? I don’t know …. Evan, I’d love to see a post on how to negotiate grey zone between say, 5 dates and exclusivity. I notice that this is the hardest time because attachment starts to happen but there’s no guarantees and it’s so unclear about what is normal behavior in his zone and what is “not a priority”
Evan Marc Katz 66

Melody…after 5 dates or around 1 month, you should be pretty close to exclusive. If he doesn’t step up to be your boyfriend within that first two months, he’s not going to.
well 67

after reading this article i really want to cry. i think i am crying already inside.
Debbie 68

One of my favorite posts Evan. I have been reading your blog for a few years now and have purchased your ebook. Of course, character is absolutely important for a lasting relationship relationship. My problem isn’t recognizing that character is important, it is having the courage to move on when, later on in the relationship the true character is revealed. Very thought provoking.
Trixie 69

I keep coming back to this article time and time again. The line about “having EVERYTHING taken away from you”made it into my journal. I’ll be using it to figure me out.
KAT 70

Evan is so right about character being important. I think that having a spark w the person is part of it but w time of getting to know someone that becomes stronger and stronger as we fall in love w the entire package and big part of that is how someone makes you feel when you’re w him/her. You can have the hottest, smartest person next to you but if you’re constantly spending all your time focusing on him/her and get very little in return that leaves one feeling empty and drained. All my married friends say all the time…when you’re doing life together, you truly want to be doing that w your best friend besides you….meaning the person next to you should b the one you want to talk to first when life is happening and someone you can laugh with.
Suzanne 71

Dear Evan,

This article is great and substantively helped me in formulating my position in possibly reuniting with what had been my great boyfriend until we hit a very rough patch a couple months ago.

I would like to share a twist and a blend of perspectives. Now in my late 50′s – if you are dating, it represents that you as well as the pool of people that you are looking at dating have largely had failed relationships in the past. And with men – a much larger proportion have failed in the area of fidelity than say those in their 20′s and 30′s or even 40′s.
After dating my fella for nearly a year where we had both crossed into territory of closeness on an emotional level we had never been he escalated the relationship through the fall and holidays with “pedal to the medal” with several trips, mutual family events and we hosted several parties for work, family and friends. All healthy and natural except I had been keeping things specifically slower aware of his passive/aggressive tendencies that produce “Near, Fear, Slam the Brakes.”
And that is what happened in early January when he wanted to “slow down” and did some distancing. Then he confessed to having seen and been with an ex-girlfriend in this period. I was pretty shocked and stunned but found after a couple weeks of hashing through it that I still had love in my heart even though commonly this is a mortal wound.
I worked with relationship therapist initially and was then able to involve him and we have been now working through the his issues of what drives his past history in infidelity (two past marriages that went under as well) as well as working on rebuilding trust.
Everything else in this relationship is a 10 or as close to it as I expect to achieve. I could call this a flaw in his character as a man and chew him up and spit him out. However, what he has discovered is this is a behavior that not only did he understand, hated himself for the weakness, has suffered in his own self-esteem, his children’s respect and mine…that as we work through it all he feels that for the first time he has the skills, desire, etc. to eliminate this behavior into the future and it has all taken our relationship, understanding and love to a place of complete honesty and communication we never dreamed of.
So yes, I completely agree that character is extremely relevant. But behavior sometimes does not represent the core person and if we just operate on the premise we need to be perfect or move on, we are likely to end up just having to confront the same “flaw” in the future with someone else. Real character is discovered in the challenges and confronting them honestly.
Monica 72

I have been struggling with this a lot lately. I am finally dating a man who puts me first, and coming from a relationship where I was expected to take care of him. It’s a bit uncomfortable for me. I had to have surgery on Monday and he took the day off from work last minute, took me to my appt, got my meds while I sat in the car and then ran to the grocery store after he put me to bed. He then came home and cuddled me for hours, something he hates doing, while I slept. He is still taking care of me, not letting me do anything that may cause me to rip out my stitches. He is an amazing man, but part of me still wonders. Because I have been hurt before I am leery. He takes care of me, and that means a lot.
Ana 73

You’d be left with your mind.
You’d be left with your heart.
You’d be left with your spirit.
You’d be left with your kindness.
You’d be left with your generosity.
You’d be left with your sense of humor.

I’m left with all those things and he has all those qualities but the guy is a workaholic and a good guy always willing to help someone out even if it imposes on our relationship. This guy is great but I’m getting discouraged because the relationship is a priority for me and I’m not sure if it’s a priority for him when all those other things seem to take precedence. Sometimes I get the feeling that he’s doing me a favor by allowing me to be in his company now and then. But, while I am crazy about the man I’m really getting fed up. This relationship is starting to have a debilitating effect on me and I don’t like it.
susan 74

it certainly is about PRIORITY. although i had one bad experience of a man who made me such a priority he literally tried to take over my life (long weird story) I still think this word is the one to hang on to.
the one I recently gently closed the door on (I’ve left it to him to decide if he wants to reopen it) told me he was ”not in a place to put energy into a relationship”. i said, that’s fine but what i want is to be a priority. that’s all. not a big sweeping romance/relationship/affair. just to be a priority.
Margaret 75

A-friggin-mazing post. So much what I needed a reminder of. My BF of 7 years(!) was a super smart narcissist who gave me “just enough” to keep me hooked. I met him after a 16 year dry spell raising my three sons as a single mom…so , yes, I was hungry to feel womanly. And, yes, he DID have all these wonderful qualities…when it served him to show them…everything was calculated, metered, as to what he could GET…but ya know, I was that girl who chose to suppress my good instincts for the good of the “relationship” over and over. I saw early on he wouldnt get off Match despite declaring his love, that he wasn’t cleaning up the details of his life, that he was using me, my home, my love..as a way to hide..yet I continued to focus on what worked..the sex, the companionship for fun things, etc….and 7 years later, broke up with him for the second time. NOW< I am 2 months post…still loving him, but loving myself more. YOUR POST makes it so crystal clear and simple moving forward. THANK YOU!!!
Clare 76

I don’t know if I’m unusual (I hope not), but character is actually what I’m most attracted to. A man who has honour and integrity, who I can trust, is actually what gives me those tingley bits!
Rosalind 77

I once dated a guy I met on match.com off and on for about a year. He would send me friendly-sounding emails; yet every time we met in person – which was about two or three times – he would act cold and distant; like he really didn’t want to be around me at all. After the third date where we met in person, I confronted him about this, telling him I had a good time seeing that movie with him, but I also had the impression he really didn’t want to be around me. I told him that if he really didn’t like me, and didn’t want to date me, it was fine with me, and all he had to do was say so. He sent me a very flustered-sounding email, saying that he didn’t hate dating me, ending this email with “and I wouldn’t want you to think that!!” He actually ended this email with at least two exclamation points.

He invited me to see him and his band play, and I politely told him I couldn’t, since I had to do something else. Then he completely stopped talking to me.

Fine, be that way.

Looking back on this now, I think he had been deliberately trying to confuse me and mess with my head. He didn’t like me very much, yet I was supposed to be at his beck and call anyway. When I wasn’t available for him to ignore while surrounded by fans, he got pissed off, and that was when he stopped talking to me. I think he also realized I knew he only wanted to date me so he could put me down.

I think this guy not only lacks character, but is extremely pathetic.
David T 78

It is possible he was very uncomfortable and nervous in person as opposed to messing with your head, though lack of confidence is a major minus when you are trying to establish a relationship.
When you say “dated on and off got a year” but you only saw him two or three times, and you are still thinking about it, I wonder if you were reading more into this than was ever there. I suppose it depends on the number and content of emails and phone calls.
Chrisma 79

I want to thank you for your time and effort you put into this article. Very interesting. I do agree with ‘looks vs character or money/wealth ‘ and that CHARTER is most important to choosing a partner. I always knew that a guy or a woman should put each other first , but I was not so sure. Until, I was able to read this idea here again. Thank you and that is what I’m mostly attracted to. Other things that comes with the package is best bonus.
Mal 80

Evan, thank you for this thought provoking article. I left my fiance after being together for 6 years for this exact reason. He never wanted to be the best man he could be and chose everything else before me. So one day I mustered enough guts and decided to leave the relationship. I had to do it, irrespective of how I may turn out for me (single and alone). Many women stay in dead end relationships because they are afraid of being alone. But the truth is, no one will ever determine your self worth except for you. Until you recognize that, you will always be placed second best. I realized this after observing the best relationships around me and I noticed that all the men placed their women first before anything else.
I am glad I came across this article because Even you have reassured me that I made the right decision.
Selene 81

hello,
i just wanted to say that it is amazing how you lay out things to where they make complete sense. I actually am on the other side of the boat right now Ive offered my entire life to men and i am tired of exposing my true self now. I think that instead of exposing my true character my compassion my unconditional help and love Ive been losing my self because even though I am a woman with everything you have described. I just cant seem to find true love. and each time I’m the one offering my life in their plate. I understand now that I have gave to much and received nothing. Absolutely nothing. My heart is getting to a point where i can no longer feel or i do not want to feel. I do not want to expose my self or my heart anymore. I cant I feel that it would be best to die if i exposed it and it went all wrong. Now I am playing their game but it hurts to see my old me go. the kind innocent girl who had love for everything in the world. I would see even the ugliest thing in a way where it was still special. and nice. what should i do? really right now i think that I’m just killing my soul and handing it to the devil because I’m starting to sleep around. but what else do i do? i feel sad when I’m home alone like always and i cant have a relationship because it just hurts to think that ill be hurt again. and alone once again. with nothing but my dog what do you suggest.please help me i need professional advice. without judgement.
RHONDAVAS77 82

THIS SOUNDS WAY TO FAMILIAR…..I’M WITH SOMEONE I AM JUST NOW REALIZING ISN’T THE “ONE”…I’VE TRIED AND TRIED TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP WORK BUT I NOTICED THAT I SEEM TO BE THE ONLY ONE TRYING…EVEN THOUGH WE HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 6 YEARS AND I KNOW IT’S GONNA TAKE TIME TO GET OVER HIM, AND IT’S GONNA FEEL LONELY…I THINK IT’S BETTER TO FEEL “ALONE” WHEN YOUR ACTUALLY ALONE, THEN FEELING ALONE WHILE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP!