How to Make a Guy Call Instead of Texting You

How to Make a Guy Call Instead of Texting You

I’ve been on record for saying how much I dislike texting. I even found a chart to tell you when to text and when not to text.

But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.

The real issue is that texting is ubiquitous and it’s not going anywhere soon. Instead of using it as a way to say hi or let you know he’s running late, it becomes a crutch for real relationship communication. These days, there are men who use it as the ONLY way of keeping in touch. There are women who use it as the ONLY way of having a serious discussion.

These are inherently flawed strategies. A first-person piece on CNN.com concurs:

“A short text in the middle of the day to let someone know you are thinking of them is a sweet gesture. But if you imagine that sending a daily barrage of texts, such as “driving to work, heading to lunch, or just left a meeting” is a romantic way to show you are thinking of your partner, think again.”

To clarify – if these texts are used in ADDITION to phone, email, and actual dates, they’re fine. I text my wife to ask her to pick up something from the grocery store when she’s out. She texts me from the kitchen to tell me she loves me. But texting MUST be the icing; it can’t be the cake.

Yet that’s what’s been established. Men collect phone numbers online. They text five women at the same time. They never pick up the phone to make a true connection, because they want to keep their options open. And women complain that men aren’t stepping up to the plate.

They’re right in one regard – texting is a shitty form of communication. But it’s not HIS fault if the texting persists; ultimately it’s yours. If you accept that he only texts you, never calls you, never asks you out for a proper date, you’re tacitly CONDONING this behavior.

What incentive does he have to step up to the plate if he can get away with a minute of phone foreplay? Why SHOULD he call? Why SHOULD he plan dates? Really, if he can text you, on Friday night at 10: “Come over, I miss you,”. And you DO IT?! There’s no reason for him to spend more time, more money, more energy, or more emotion on you. He’s having his cake and eating it, too.

 

You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.

“Thanks, cutie! I turn off my cell phone at night, but you can call me on my landline after 9. Talk to you then!”

“Aw, Jeff, you’re adorable. But if you want to see me, you’re gonna have to try a little harder. You have your phone in your hand. I have my phone in my hand. Press the little green dial button and see what happens!”

You want a guy to treat you like a serious relationship candidate instead of part of a harem? Insist on being treated that way.

“Glad to hear you’re having a great day, Brad. You know what would make it even better? If you were to hear the dulcet tones of my voice. :) Hit me up tonight after I get back from the gym, okay?”

If the guy doesn’t respond, ignores your requests for phone time, and treats the phone as if it’s only a means to text, you know what you do?

You cut him loose. No emotion. Matter of fact.

You seem like a good guy, Alan, but I’m not looking for a texting buddy, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And since all you’ve done is text me twice a week for the past six weeks without any increased effort, I’m going to take that as a sign that you’re not that interested in a relationship. No hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Take care.”

Don’t be afraid that you’re losing your potential boyfriend. You’re not. You’re freeing yourself of the burden of waiting for an indifferent man to show you he cares. If he cared about you, he’d WANT to call you, WANT to see you, WANT to commit to you.

The texter has already shown his stripes. All you’re doing is calling him on it.

130
67

Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (108 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Zara

    Well said :) !!!! 

    1. 1.1
      jenna

      Thank YOU!!!!

  2. 2
    Beth

    Great post Evan.  What I’ve learned about men who rely on electronic communication is they have intimacy issues. They reveal everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, via text or email but they can’t communicate in person. 
    I fell for it once because I didn’t know better, I won’t fall for it again.  I asked the last guy to call or meet (and I was nice like you suggest) and he wouldn’t.  That was  the end of that. 
      I think some women are araid to assert themselves at the beginning because this could scare a man off. I’m of the  mindset they’re already scared and they are looking for a fantasy “Relationship”. 

  3. 3
    Kathleen

    Great practical advice as usual Evan.
     I tell them once as you suggested  After that when they text I only send a smiley face   This has worked beautifully to eliminate very quickly guys who have the potential to waste my time. One guy continued to send me texts all day so he got smiley faces all day and then he disappeared  It was great practice for me LOL   

    1. 3.1
      Chestnut

      I had recent run in with this. Generally, while I prefer the phone, I will give a guy leeway to text me for the first couple dates, but I evaluate it in the context of his other conduct.  Once I have called in response to his texts, but he has not reciprocated, I know our communication style is not compatible.  Texts are so impersonal and cold.  You cannot get the feel of the person , his emotions or moods.   frustrated with this last guy, who also was remaining active on match.com and not following up to ask me out in a timely manner, I just stopped responding to his texts.   He did not call or follow up again.  Glad I had already predicted his type.   Avoidant , emotionally unavailable 40 something bachelor , texting like a high school kid.

  4. 4
    Jayne

    Amen, Amen, & Amen!! A guy had asked me out via text, and since this was the only way he communicated, I said yes, but then playfully said would love to hear your voice so we can finalize the plans. He then text me right back and asked when was an exact time to call? Geez!! Just grow a pair and hit the dial button already!! I never responded, and never heard from him again. No loss, whatsoever!!!

  5. 5
    Kathleen

    Beth #2 
    You are exactly right  They are texting to avoid speaking with you and its likely an indicator they have an avoidant attachment style. These guys are very likely not good relationship potential . ( Theres a good book “30 day love detox” by Wendy Walsh that explains this well)
     Often their generic texts are sent to multiple women at the same time. Then expect the request to start sending naked pictures to add to their collection of 50 billion women on their smart phone LOL
    Beth I also agree that women have let them get away with this, so its great to see advice to empower women to cut them off in a positive way and with ease  :-)

  6. 6
    Julia

    I completely agree and never would consider being at the beck and call of some man making no effort. I just hate that I need to condition nearly every man I meet to actually call. A few guys in their late 30s/early 40s still prefer calling but the younger guys, its like pulling teeth.

    1. 6.1
      Aggie

      Completely agree! In their late 30’s and up I can condition them to call. But under 35, OMG! So like pulling teeth! And en if I get them to call they are all awkward all of a sudden! I mean come on! You don’t know how to talk on the phone?

      1. 6.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        So much to say:   First I HATE the idea of having to “condition” anyone to do anything.  I want to be a girlfriend, not an animal trainer.  I had my profile professionally re-written by E-Cyrano and my response rate has dropped to nearly zero.  It was a wonderfully written profile, thought it really gave a good picture of who I am and what I want, and there was a line in there about me preferring phone calls over texts.   I wondered if THAT was a big reason for the sudden drop in interest.  Sheeesh, if guys are that addicted to texting, maybe I should just join a convent now. 
        Once a relationship is established, then hopefully, the whole text, phone or skype issue will be a moot point, because we will be spending most of our time face to face.  At that point, on the days we don’t see each other, a phone call, text, or smoke signal just to say “I’m thinking of you” is fine.
        I did have one relationship not work, because ALL he wanted (apparently) was a phone pal.  Face to Face interactions were a rarity, but he blew up my phone with his constant phone calls, but couldn’t seem to find much time to see me IRL.  (I was beginning to suspect he was married, or otherwise involved with another woman)
        I do hate the pre-phone call texts, I actually had a date/time set up for a phone date with an online potential date, and at the appointed time, he sent me a text asking “Is it Ok to call you now ?”.  I texted back “yes” and he did call right away, but since we had the day & time set up, I really found that strange.
        My favorite text (favorite in the sarcastic sense) started with “I know you don’t like texts . . . ”  so to me, that was a clear sign that this person didn’t give a rat’s patoot about my likes or dislikes.

  7. 7
    Karmic Equation

    Evan, I agree with you on just about everything…but this.

    I *LOVE* texting. So much so that I forced my family to text me instead of calling because I’d let their calls go into VM but would immediately answer their texts. I got ‘em trained. LOL

    There were a few men who wanted to call but I actually deferred them and suggested texting instead. One guy took that as an invitation to send a bare torso pic of himself (he had an AMAZING torso so I didn’t exactly mind)…except that when I playfully told him I didn’t intend to reciprocate, he stopped texting. Not a loss as that indicated he wasn’t interested in getting to know me in a non-biblical sense.

    The 2nd man and I actually did schedule a time to talk and he, uh, conducted an interview of sorts. Asked a lot of questions. Good questions, but ones I would have found easier and better to ask over drinks. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he said that he was new to online dating and I was his first conversation as a dating prospect. The downfall for this guy was that I detested his voice. He sounded like Joe Pesci. So, while we made tentative plans to meet for lunch the following weekend, in the intervening days I decided I disliked his voice too much to date him and canceled.

    The 3rd man I talked to had a very sexy voice. Needless to say we’ll be meeting soon for karaoke. He sings professionally as a hobby, so that would explain his great voice. A 4th one, I didn’t like his voice either. But we did meet for lunch and had a lot of things to talk about, but I wasn’t attracted to him.

    As for the rest of the men, many I only texted and/or messaged before we went on first dates, which is usually about 2 weeks after we started messaging. Some men who only wanted to message and whose messages became a little weird feeling, I just stopped replying to or blocked. Many of these guys I suspect weren’t who they represented themselves to be because they didn’t seem interested in meeting, just online chatting.

    Then there’s the guy who messages me everyday to say hi and is a great cheerleader when I text him my pool league updates. Amazingly supportive. Probably more supportive in texts than he would be in person. We’re meeting sometime next week, after about 2-3 weeks of texting. Have yet to speak on the phone. He actually wanted to, but I deferred to the texting. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll be turned off by his voice. IDK. He has a really likable texting personality. I’m hoping his personality IRL matches. We’ll see.

    So where does that leave us women when it comes to texting and dating? For me, I think texting has been a very valuable filtering tool. Men who are truly interested will continue to reach out to you until they work through their backlog of dates (I’m suspecting) to put me on their schedule. For my part, I play the game by rarely giving up a Friday/Saturday night for a first date, which means I usually can’t fit them in until 2 weeks after they want to schedule a date. If they can wait that long, then they’re really interested. If they can’t, then they’re not.

    For me personally, I think talking to a guy was detrimental to HIS chances with ME as I’ve come to find out I’m a “voice” person :) Good voices I can’t wait to meet and bad voices already leave me a little turned off and dreading the date. I wonder if there are men out there who are “voice” people too and react the same way I do?

    1. 7.1
      Kiki T.

      Do you know just about how shallow you sound right now? From the looks of what you wrote, you’re just judging guys by the “sexiness” of their voice. I don’t mean to be mean and it’s nice and all that you like to text but, just because you judge a person by that makes me feel that you are a shallow person. You might not have meant to make yourself sound like that, but I’m just saying.

      1. 7.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        Hi Kiki T. @7.1 – I know it sounds shallow, but I have discovered over the years that attraction IS shallow.  I think in my younger days, I gave guys I wasn’t attracted to “a chance” to see if they could win me over with their inner awesomeness.  I didn’t want to think of myself as a “shallow” person for not giving a guy a chance, based on his looks, his social awkwardness, his nasally voice, etc.  So in my quest to “not be shallow”, all that I accomplished was leading a guy on and ultimately disappointing him.  I have come to the conclusion that who we are attracted to IS NOT A CHOICE.  We can only choose to act or not act upon it.  We can CHOOSE to couple up with someone we aren’t attracted to, because on paper they would make a good partner.  EMK has even run a few blog posts from women who married or coupled up with someone they weren’t attracted to.  It’s not pretty for either party.  You can also CHOOSE not to couple up with some super sexy bad boy, when you see that he’s a bad relationship bet.  Just because attraction is shallow, it does NOT have to lead to shallow relationships.  Just stop trying to give guys “a chance” if you’re not attracted, and don’t waste time on a sexy bad boy who say’s he’s not looking for anything serious, if you are 38 and want a husband and kids.  There are varying degrees of attraction, and NO ONE is saying couple up with someone you find repulsive. But, a guy you find “kinda cute” when your first meet, who really is awesome and treats you right, can go from “kinda cute, I can see us snuggling up in front of the TV together” to “take me now you sexy beast ! ”  But I have never seen attraction go from “Yuck” to even “kinda cute”. 
        Physical attraction is more than just looks (visual), it’s multi-sensory.  Not only does the person have to LOOK good, (to you) but should also sound good, smell good, taste good, and feel good, and YOU should feel good around them.
        I too have a “thing” for voices. (ok, mark your calendar, I agree with KE on something)  I also have a thing for not dating smokers.  I don’t want to kiss a stinky mouth that tastes like an ashtray.  (I actually had a friend give me crap about not dating a smoker) I also don’t like big, bushy, gray, Santa Clause type beards.  I don’t want to feel that scratchy beard when making out.  All these are pretty superficial characteristics, but I can’t change what I am attracted to. 
        We all have our likes or dislikes when it comes to attraction.  What I find to be a turn off, could be a turn on for another woman.  (Believe me, I have seen my women friends just go ga-ga for some guys, I’m just thinking HUH ?  HIM ?  REALLY ?  But I keep my thoughts to myself because it THEIR attraction not mine.
        Would you think it shallow if someone didn’t like someone with a particular smell ?  Why should voice tone be any different ?
        I am not trying to be argumentative here,  just trying to give you my perspective  on how I came to grips with the realization that attraction is shallow, and how to embrace that fact.

        1. Tayja

          Very well said!  My thoughts entirely. I’ve tride to tell people so many times that you cannot help who and what you are attracted to as it comes naturally and cannot be forced. I refuse to be wih someone just for the sake of having a man.  I only like men that are 6ft plus. Is that shallow, yes it is but that is what I am attracted To. 

    2. 7.2
      moon

      people can sound different over the phone than in person….it works both ways.  some sound better over the phone than in person and vice versa.  i personally don’t drag with stuff out anymore.  I keep things on the dating website….and refuse to text, email or talk on phone until in person meet.  I  have pics…but that’s it.  so what…meet in public quick….leave if aren’t attracted. the end, lol.  there are a ton of men online that just want a virtual thing because they are emotionally unavailable.  so, if you don’t want just a virtual thing…you have to meet them in person ASAP.  if they refuse…then you know what you have.

  8. 8
    SAL9000

    Times are changing, gotta change with them.

  9. 9
    Some other guy

    The problem is not texting vs calling; the problem is a mismatch between expectations of the two partners.
     
    And if a partner has a problem with intimacy,it’s going to be a problem whether texting is involved or not (texting is merely the vehicle by which the problem makes itself known).
     
    It may be trainable behavior, but training is a relatively low-success relationship strategy.
     
    A couple on the same page regarding communications – of whatever type – can have a fulfilling, intimate life whether they text or not.

  10. 10
    Jackie H.

    Yes, yes and yes….texting is just another way to be emotionally unavailable…

  11. 11
    Ruby

    Great post! I don’t think it matters so much whether or not you text before meeting, although for me, an actual phone conversation is a much better indicator of what a person is like than texting or email. However, once you’ve started dating someone, texting only is a bad sign and an indication that someone is only looking for a casual thing. OTOH, my ex-boyfriend always called on the phone, never texted, and he was STILL commitment-phobic. Go figure.
     
    Kathleen #3 & #5
     
    I agree with you about the avoidant attachment style and I love your use of the smiley face! If I have a similar problem, I’ll try that!
     

  12. 12
    Al

    I used to avoid phone calls because I find them to be nerve wracking, but now that I’ve dated a couple phone talkers, I notice a HUGE difference in the quality of relationship it creates.  There is so much more familiarity and seriousness of intention when I am with a man who is willing to talk on the phone.  Of all my online dating experiences, each one of these ‘phone callers’ were the ones to step up and ask me to be their girlfriend, including my current bf.  I think it’s really important and lets me know he enjoys me for my personality.
    @Jayne, not sure why him texting you to figure out a good time to call would cause you not to respond? I think that is being considerate and shows he wanted to catch you at a time when you could really talk.

  13. 13
    TheGingerReplicant

    This is excellent advice that doesn’t just apply to straight women. Its completely unisex.
    I’m not a huge fan of the phone OR texting, but I like video chat. Being crystal clear about communication preference really helps.

  14. 14
    Jenwon

    Its a matter of perspective. If you are younger and grew up with texting, IM, email, social media as a primary form of communication then phone calls are actually a bit of a nuisance. I frankly don’t have time to stop what im doing and spend 10-15 mins to take a phone call just to say Hi and chit chat. Id rather have a man ask me out and we can talk in person.
    I value the quality of the communication vs the type. My last BF and I would message through out the day via text. I find the immediacy of texting much better then saving my thoughts and condensing it into a 15 minute conversation later in the day. And neither of us had to stop what we were doing to talk.

  15. 15
    Lorelei

    In general, I don’t like texting as a primary means of communication.  I still prefer phone calls and agree with your perspective, Evan.   I’m gleaning much useful information from your newletters and blog topics.  I’ve been on the receiving end both of the emotionally unavailable man who only texts and men who call just to say hi.     The problem is finding mutual compatibility and attraction, so I’m still looking and making the effort in the world of dating. 

  16. 16
    WhatsGoingOn

    I grew up with testing/IM etc and I still find it’s much easier to build up a quality connection by talking in person. This was why Evan’s 2/2/2 technique worked so well and led me to meet my fiancé. By guiding the guy gently off the dating website to your personal email then to phone, you can build up some intimacy before meeting if he is a great guy and that makes the date go more smoothly. Alternatively, if he is a creep, that usually shows over the phone and not necessarily over text and you can screen better and not waste your time. When you are a 30 something woman time is of the essence. I find it well worth it to spend the 15 minutes for a phone call rather than drag yourself to a date that turns out to be lame. Texts certainly are great to supplement the phone call but should not substitute it. Furthermore, why avoid the phone call and build the guy up in your mind to later find you have no conversational chemistry? Waste of time!

  17. 17
    Peter 61

    It’s difficult to understand a second language on the phone.  Texting OTOH is usually very easy to understand.  People use a limited sub set of their linguist capacity and you have time to think about the words.

  18. 18
    Amy

    I absolutely agree that the rules of texting can and should be established in the very beginning of dating. Most guys I’ve encountered don’t mind when I let them know I prefer phone calls for real conversation. Texts are ideal for flirting, for a quick “I love you babe!”. or for relaying practical information like, “are you here yet?” in a noisy place, “please bring a bottle of wine”, etc. Men who aren’t that interested quickly fall through the cracks once they know you have standards about texting. Ultimately it’s about respect. All this being said, my teenage children blatantly disagree with me. Their phones “ping” all day long but they rarely talk on the phone. i have to believe that as they get older, that will change…. at least I hope it will.

  19. 19
    Chance

    First off, Evan provides some excellent examples of how to handle a guy who doesn’t call.  I agree with him on just about everything, but I have to disagree on this point:  I don’t believe that texting is necessarily a sign of disinterest, especially for the under 35 (or so) crowd.  I agree with him that you have to look at texting in addition to actual dates and email.  However, a lot of people nowadays just don’t like to talk on the phone.  If a guy plans dates, always comes through when he says he will, and you spend plenty of time together, he’s likely interested whether he talking to you on the phone or not.

    Jayne said #4:

    “A guy had asked me out via text, and since this was the only way he communicated, I said yes, but then playfully said would love to hear your voice so we can finalize the plans. He then text me right back and asked when was an exact time to call? Geez!! Just grow a pair and hit the dial button already!! I never responded, and never heard from him again. No loss, whatsoever!!!”

    That seems rather silly.  There could have been a number of reasons why he asked when a good time to call would be.  He could have been just being polite instead of “not having a pair” as you put it, and was wondering when you had some free time to hammer out the details.  It may, or may not, have been your loss.

    Julia said #6

    “I completely agree and never would consider being at the beck and call of some man making no effort. I just hate that I need to condition nearly every man I meet to actually call.”

    I don’t talk on the phone at all.  My girlfriend of three years and I have probably talked on the phone no more than 30 times.  I asked her out via text (or email, can’t remember), and I was certainly interested.  I also wasn’t scared to call her.  It simply seemed like an acceptable form of communication to me, and if a girl asked me out via text, I wouldn’t think anything of it.  OTOH, I’ve known a few guys in the past who were basically pick-up artists who always called to ask women out because they knew it would provide the appearance of being truly interested, and the girls fell for it.  Based on your idea of “making an effort”, those guys are better relationship prospects.  It’s perfectly fine if you prefer that a guy call, but it doesn’t mean he’s not interested if he doesn’t.

    1. 19.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Chance “I’ve known a few guys in the past who were basically pick-up artists who always called to ask women out because they knew it would provide the appearance of being truly interested, and the girls fell for it.”

      You inadvertently made MY point. Calling provides the appearance of being truly interested. Texting doesn’t. So it’s in a woman’s best interest to separate the wheat from the chaff by encouraging a more personal form of communication. That doesn’t mean it’s foolproof. But a guy who is so tone-deaf or selfish to not consider a woman’s needs is not someone she should be mourning.

      1. 19.1.1
        uigs

        AHA – I think I got it, so the key isn’t necessarily if the man texts but rather if the man texts and the woman gently playfully lets him know that she would love a phone call and he sticks only to texts.  Women often do not communicate their needs and make snap decisions because they got jaded before, but we need to also give men a fun chance to step up to the plate, communicate our needs and see what they do with it.  Everyone has different needs and wants, the point isn’t do they automatically do and say what you like, the point is when something comes up and you communicate your needs do they then try to make you happy, which is a relationship skill.

  20. 20
    WhatsGoingOn

    @Chance – what I think some of the women are trying to say is that if you ask a guy to call because it’s really important to you and you tell him that’s how you build a connection, and he ignores you and still continues to text or just fades out, then that means he’s not interested in you enough to make this one small effort.  Have you asked your gf which mode of communication she preferred?  A lot of women like to talk but they are afraid of asking for it because they fear the guy will flee or not call and make them feel rejected.  So they put up with the texting to keep the peace.  It may not make much difference to the guy but can make a big difference to the girl.  I’ve always asked the guys whom I was dating to call me in the evening in addition to texting.  I know right away who is truly interested.  The ones who aren’t just fade out or ignores me completely and continue texting.  That’s laziness if a girl specifically asks!  On the other hand my fiancé called every night.  And no, he didn’t like talking on the phone, no guy really does, but he enjoys talking to ME plus he knows it makes me happy which makes him happy.  He still calls me from the car as he is driving home from work even though we are together now.  That’s dedication!

  21. 21
    Jenna

    Texting is so common in my generation that I read little into it. I’ve had guys text who really liked me and guys who called but were users. As long as they want toale regular face to face plans, fine by me

  22. 22
    Chance

    @EMK
    Agreed.  That would be why I pointed out the examples you set forth on how to handle a situation when a guy is texting instead of calling.  If a guy texts instead of calls and and the girl doesn’t like it, she should playfully suggest that he call.  If he still doesn’t call, she should ditch him.  He’s not worth her time and effort.  However, it may not be in her best interest to quickly assume he isn’t interested if she hasn’t asked him to call.  All that I am saying is that some people have different ways of communicating, especially younger people.  It may be beneficial to take a look at all the facts surrounding each individual circumstance.

  23. 23
    JulesP

    Oh My Goodness!!  This is truly excellent advice for us all :-)   Evan.. this is the one that I need to “tattoo on the inside of my wrist”” as you so often say.  Thanks also for the assorted ‘response scenarios’.  Will use as directed!

  24. 24
    Clare

    I agree with this advice!
     
    And I use it with almost all guys.  If they start off by texting, I gently and coyly, yet firmly, encourage them to call instead.  If you do it flirtatiously, it works a treat, and there’s usually no problem after that.
     
    Every now and again though, you get a guy who genuinely hates the phone, and is not a player.  I actually am not a huge fan of phone calls and prefer to keep them short and occasional.  In the beginning though, I encourage a guy to call because it is a sign of effort.  When I’m more established with a guy, to be honest, I have no problem with someone who doesn’t phone a lot.  I prefer e-mails and IMing, I find they can be quite warm and romantic.  It would depend on the guy though.  It would have to be someone I trust.  But I have essentially NO problem chucking the phone call criteria out of the window for the right man, because it’s not something I’m wild about.  I’ve had guys who wanted to have hour long phone calls at night, or called during the day when I was busy at work and while sweet, I just found it irritating.
     
    I guess we are all different, and there is a lid for every pot.

  25. 25
    Goldie

    WhatsGoingOn #20, no offense to your fiance (or is it husband now?), but every day on the road, I have to swerve, change lanes, brake etc to avoid being plowed into by drivers who are so busy talking on their cell phone, they can’t be bothered to pay attention to the road. That’s not dedication, that’s dangerous driving and would actually lead to getting a ticket in some cities. My pet peeve. Sorry, I had to say something.
     
    I’m torn on the whole texting vs calling thing. I personally prefer texting because it’s less invasive (you don’t have to drop everything and stay on the phone because the other person suddenly wanted to chat) and is also much easier on my phone bill. That said, talking on the phone does feel more personal than texting. Maybe there’s a middle ground – try to have a phone conversation a day, but maybe schedule a time for it instead of calling the other person whenever the mood strikes you. Just like we schedule dates instead of just showing on the person’s doorstep.

  26. 26
    Ruby

    Funny, another dating adviser just wrote about this, but he described “e-tethering”, where a man keeps a few women in his rotation using texting. A man will text a few women at once, “thinking of u”, “just wanted to say hi”, etc. He might hook up with whoever responds to the text. The adviser describes it as “activity, not action”.

  27. 27
    Kathleen

    Im surprised that some of the women that don’t get what Evan advised. Women usually have great intuition so texting limits that power. 
    The reason I prefer to speak to a guy on the phone fairly quickly for about 10-15 minutes is that I want to get a more intuitive sense of him before committing my time to a date  I can sense his energy, his interest in me, how he thinks, his out look,his type of humor and whether I can pick up a chemistry vibe. I couldn’t do this with texting. I have many guys contacting me and Id rather stick a fork in my eye than meet with a guy who isn’t interesting. 
    When Ive hired people this initial “screening” phone contact is invaluable to me also before I decide to interview them. 
    Most all guys who have tried to mainly text are the same guys who try to invite me to their house to meet them for the FIRST time since the date plans in public somehow deteriorate. (There must be women out there who are rewarding this because its not uncommon they try this. )
    By the way an online guy who never called me 3 weeks ago, texted me last night at 1145 pm without using my name to ask if he could call me tomorrow. How impressive is that  LOL !!  
     

    1. 27.1
      moon

      a lot of these men are inviting women over for a first date to their place, lol.  scary….and cheap.   i’d never meet any guy at his place on a first date.  I’ve noticed this is a trend a lot with single dads….they think because they have kids they are automatically “safe”. 

  28. 28
    nathan

    I haven’t commented here in ages. Probably to thew relief of many, but anyway, I always find these texting/e-mail/phone call discussions funny. Because what folks say about texting today was almost exactly what was said about e-mail less than 10-15 years ago. And go back a generation or so, and you’d find similar comments about phoning. New technologies tend to be considered “weaker forms of connections” until they’re replaced by the next, most popular thing.
     
    A lot of the comments here are more about personal preference than anything else. And it’s a mixed bag, which I think is accurate in a period of shifting technologies/approaches. There’s also a generational divide at play as well, although clearly differences are cutting across generations here.
     
    As a Gen Xer on the young end of the X age spectrum, I grew comfortable with e-mailing, and until recently, used e-mail as my main form of communicating early on in the dating process. Then I finally got a cell phone and began texting. I always have treated phone calls as part of being in a relationship context, and like Goldie above, have felt that lots of phone chatter in the beginning stages is kind of invasive. It also in a few cases proved to create a false sense of intimacy that didn’t play out in real life.
     
    The same can happen with texting or an e-mail, but it’s a different set of abstractions. With the phone, you get the nuance of voice, which can either give you helpful information, or fool you into believing/wanting someone. I get why some women want guys to call them and feel it’s a good tool for weeding out ones that aren’t interested/or are players. But phone calls are still riddled with abstractions. You got a person’s voice, but nothing else. Some people are better phone talks than others. (I have always found calling artificial and stunting. I’m much more myself in writing or in person.) Some folks use calling as a substitute for relationships they either don’t want, or can’t handle. Some unconsciously default to phone calls to keep an otherwise weak connection going, mistaking the fun and/or flow of phone calls for a real life connection worth pursuing. And players can create a hell of a lot of false intimacy in a short period of time through calling.
     
    Point being, there’s a double edge to wanting phone calls. Just as there are dangers in relying solely on texting. Or e-mailing. Or whatever. None of them are close to foolproof, and these days, it’s always a guessing game as to what someone else prefers. Seriously, if I had a dollar for every “why don’t you get a cell phone” comment I got from dates back before I got a cell phone, not because they wanted me to call them, but so we could text.
     
     
     
     
     
     

    1. 28.1
      moon

      if you live geographically close to each other….or within an acceptable travel distance for both, it’s the most prudent to just meet in person ASAP.  why drag it out…..unless you both want a virtual thing.  all communication portals are just an obstacle to meeting the first time.  people can be different on the phone than in person, too….and some guys suck women into phone sex anyhow….so nothing is sacred except meeting in person.

  29. 29
    Karmic Equation

    @Kathleen 28
     
    Hmmm…I’ve been lucky in that the men I’ve met have all been interesting. However, I think I need to get over being phone-averse to screen out voices I don’t like since I’m so particular about that.
     
    So when you decide that you and the guy aren’t a match, what do you say?
     
    @Ruby 27
     
    That’s interesting. Did the advisor consider it a problem pre-first-date, after-first-date-but-before exclusivity, or after exclusivity? I want to comment further but need more info…Thanks!

  30. 30
    SAL9000

    I’m not of the younger crowd (41) but I lead a full, busy and enriching life. Phone call, text, email? It’s all about the same to me. Each has minor perturbations on advantages, disadvantages and limits sure. Though it sounds narcissistic perhaps, she should be glad she’s getting my communication. Sometimes I want to communicate/respond but can’t actually talk (in a meeting, on the bus, waiting for the dentist) or I want to include a link, pic or w/e, with want I want to communicate. Much like this blog frequently notes that a lot of the information contained herein is based on how things ARE not how he/we/I/you wish them TO BE, (communication) times have changed and we have to change with them. I think it’s fantastic – life is vastly more interesting, varied and capable with all these modes of communication. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>