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Karin is tall, thin and blonde. She’s a former dancer who makes a good living as a doctor. She’s a patron of the arts, an animal lover, and has a quick wit.
Karin is also 42, never married, and desperately wants children.
I took her on as a Commitment Course client because she’s highly motivated.
Yet the second we started working together, Karin began to dictate how our coaching would go – and thus gave me a small glimpse of why she’s single at 42.
“I’m not going to date online. Only weirdos who do that. What if someone sees me? I’d be too embarrassed. The kind of men I’m looking for don’t date online.”
“I think you tell women to settle. I’m not going to settle. I haven’t waited this long to find love only to be with a man who is beneath my standards.”
And so on. And so forth.
I reminded Karin that 50 million people have tried online dating. I reminded her that if a man sees her online, he can’t judge her because he’s dating online as well.
The first three weeks of coaching Karin, we literally didn’t do any coaching.
All I did was cajole her into putting her profile on Match.com so we could actually have, you know, DATES to discuss during the rest of her coaching.
I reminded Karin that 50 million people have tried online dating.
I reminded her that if a man sees her online, he can’t judge her because he’s dating online as well.
I reminded her that my wife, my mom, my sister, my sister’s husband, my wife’s best friend, my wife’s best friend’s husband and pretty much every other single person I know has tried it. And we’re not all losers.
Finally, Karin got her professional photos and professional profile up on Match.
It was like magic. Even though Karin was in a highly unpopular demographic (42 and looking to have babies) she still got tons of attention online. Scores of men. Attractive men. Successful men. Age-appropriate men.
Quickly, Karin realized that her fears were considerably overstated.
Within weeks, Karin found herself dating a good guy named Gary. They’d gone out 3 or 4 times and he always followed up immediately to see her again. Moreover, he was enthusiastic, cute, successful and very much interested in Karin as a girlfriend.
Naturally, Karin started second-guessing her own interest him.
“He’s too nice,” she said. “He always asks for my opinion on what to do on dates. Why is he so eager to please?”
Didn’t you complain that in your last passionate love affair, you never knew where you stood with the guy? That he wasn’t considerate enough?
“Yes, but—How about the fact that Gary is a teacher who drives a Toyota? How can he support me? What are my Mercedes-driving friends going to think?”
You’re a doctor; he doesn’t have to support you. And who cares what your friends think as long as you’re happy in your relationship?
“Yeah, well, the other day, in the museum, he made a joke about a modernist sculpture. I thought it was so classless of him to do that when an artist poured his heart and soul into creating it.”
He made a joke about a piece of art? And you want to break up with him for it?
“He apologized to me the next day because he saw how it upset me, but all I could think was: why did you make that dumb joke in the first place?”
Because it was funny? Because it was no big deal? Because everyone makes jokes about modern art? Either way, Karin, the fact that he apologized to you when he’s done nothing wrong means that you’re dating a saint. I wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss him.
After a half-hour of back and forth, Karin made her decision.
She was dumping Gary.
He was too safe.
He was too nice.
He wasn’t able to support her financially.
And if this wasn’t enough, Karin simply didn’t feel what she was supposed to feel.
I told Karin that I didn’t care about Gary, per se, but that if she were going to achieve her goal of finding love, she should start giving men like Gary a closer look.
She’d spent 42 years chasing exciting, charismatic, unpredictable, wildly attractive men…and here she was with a dating coach trying to figure out where she went wrong.
“THIS is where you’ve gone wrong”, I told her. “THIS is your chance to correct it.”
But Karin’s mind was made up.
She broke it off with Gary and they agreed to “remain friends”.
She put herself back on Match.com and prepared herself for the flood of responses that she got in her first month online.
Two weeks later, Karin was crying to me on the phone.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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