Comments on: How You Can Instantly Get Over Being Insecure On a Date

By: hunter

hunter — Sun, 24 Jul 2011 16:25:53 +0000

I know a woman that married the man she wished had died while on his way to the bathroom during the first and second date. They have been married 25+ years and have 3 wonderful children.

By: starthrower68

starthrower68 — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 17:59:26 +0000

@ Karl #8,

I either get (or fail to get) a second date based on what I am, not what I do. Since the outcome is out of my control, what is there to worry about?

I agree with what you’re saying Karl, but to play devil’s advocate, some of us are trained early on that we have to win people over based on what we do, not that some people will like us because of who we are and some people won’t. It’s tough to unlearn that.

By: Raymond Bork

Raymond Bork — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 15:22:25 +0000

Most of us never manage to overcome the fear of meeting up for a date for the first time. Evan is right, we just can’t think our fears away, but we can alter our perception of that first date experience. By lowering ours and our date’s expectations we can make it much easier for both of us.
Arrange to meet for a 30 minute coffee date, where it’s just a quick ‘see if you get on well enough for a longer second date’ exercise.
The coffee date costs are negligible, and it’s a safe environment. Dressing up is no more than smart casual, and you can just hug your date, if you want, without any thoughts of expecting to kiss each other.
Before the date repeat some positive affirmations like, “I feel great, because I’m going to have a wonderful time!”. If you need help, there are loads of affirmations that will suit you, you only need to Google them.
Focus on the perceived positive dating experience you are expecting rather than the fear of it!

By: helene

helene — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 11:42:59 +0000

My view is that the more nervous you are about dating, the more dates you should go on. That way, it becomes “routine” , so that when you DO meet someone on a date you actually like and want to see again, you’re NOT nervous and don’t mess it up. The wors scenario, i think, is to have to go on a date with someone you’re REALLY interested in, having not been on a date for years. The nerves would be overwhelming.
I get what Karl is saying, that its not nerves that put him off, but as a woman I would have to say I HAVE been put off on dates by men who were too nervous. A girl who is a bit nervous might come across as a little shy and endearing, but a nervous man is quite a turn off – confidence is attractive in both sexes but I think its even more important for the man to be confident.Someone who fidgets nervously at the bar, can’t seem to get the attention of the waiter or talks non stop about whaterver enters his head is just…well…not manly!

By: Darren Miller

Darren Miller — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 09:38:21 +0000

This post sounds just like my girlfriend. She is very fearful of people ‘looking down’ on her and judging her. I recently taught her to swim and she was always aware that she was in the training pool with the little children.

It is true everyone has experienced fear, whether it is of spiders, heights, judgment or rejection. The only thing you can do is learn to beat them and don’t let them stop you from doing anything you want to do.

Don’t fear dates. Just be yourself and you will find the person meant for you. Yes, you will have to kiss a few frogs along the way but don’t be put down by the dates that don’t progress. They aren’t meant to be.

Hey, Evan….
By the way, I wanted to let you know that I am linking to your site and have been for some time. You have an excellent site and would be honored if you would consider linking to my site as well.
My site, which is called The Relationship Spot, is located at: http://therelationshipspot.com
Thanks
Darren

By: Bree Talon

Bree Talon — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 05:00:04 +0000

Sometimes when I want to be good at something, I get really impatient with myself and lose sight of the process that’s required to really be awesome. Funny how hard we are on ourselves! It took me a long time to be an awesome mountain biker. I had to fall and crash and ride on all kinds of terrain to really kick ass. It’s a great reminder that anything worth doing is worth doing well…and I appreciate being reminded that this applies to our love lives as well as our personal goals and accomplishments.
@Karl R, love your comment about being willing to go on date with someone who didn’t do everything just right on the first date - because you liked them – that’s where it’s at in my opinion. Reminds me of something I like to tell myself, which is “people will forget what you say, and they will forget what you do – but they will never forget how you make them feel.”

By: Karl R

Karl R — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 22:34:19 +0000

Evan said: "It’s a fear of looking bad It’s a fear of embarrassing yourself It’s a fear of doing the wrong thing and getting hurt." I agree that it's irrational (if human) to worry about these things. If anything, the stakes are even lower than you imply. Have you ever been on a first date with someone who tripped or did something awkward, but you chose to go on a second date because you liked them? I have. Have you ever been on a first date with someone who misspoke or got tongue-tied, but you chose to go on a second date because you liked them? I have. If a person likes you, you can accidentally spill a bowl of soup in your lap (or their lap) and still get a second date. It's really hard to screw this up. In contrast, I look at the women that I chose not to go on a second date with: - I found one unattractive. - One was moving out of state in a few months. - One was too young for my tastes. - One wasn't intelligent enough for me. - One was an ultra-conservative Christian. In each case, I decided against a second date due to things the women couldn't change (looks, age, intelligence) or they wouldn't change (religion, career-advancement). I either get (or fail to get) a second date based on what I am, not what I do. Since the outcome is out of my control, what is there to worry about?

By: Panda

Panda — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 16:41:08 +0000

You know, I’ve gotten over my fears by simply taking the “romance card” out of the thought process. Why is it people put on huge expectations of a future relationship when meeting a particular person when they barely know them or how they are?? Inexperience does that I think.

I decided to adopt a “freind” attitude to everyone I meet online…and to ensure awkwardness doesn’t happen, I’m upfront in communicating to them that I don’t “date” persay. I always say I’m burnt out on “dating” and I just like meeting new people in order to converse and hang out as friends. This takes the expectations off of me and off of them and puts us both in a frame of mind to just let stuff happen naturally instead of being awkward and uncomfortable. :p

By: Joe

Joe — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 12:21:21 +0000

What’s the dating equivalent of your 4 hours of training?

By: MR

MR — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 22:23:45 +0000

This was great Evan! Perfect timing.