Hi Evan, I recently purchased your e-book, “Why He Disappeared,” but I wanted to ask you a personal question! I grew up with very strict parents and my father was abusive physically and verbally towards my mother; growing up I was very submissive. Although confident and outgoing I could be quite timid – as a result throughout my adult life I would meet men who would generally treat me like crap and, as anyone would, I feared going out with aggressive men – but as soon as I hit my 30s I changed and became a strong, independent woman.
I’m confident, self sufficient and can be very direct. If I don’t like someone/something, I tell them! I think this all stems from not having a voice as a child (not being allowed to have an opinion,) and I carried this through until I hit 30. I’m now 36, and my worry is: I don’t know how to show my “softer” side when I meet men! Straight away I get the “you don’t seem like you need a man.” But, with men who are willing to date me, very quickly (after a few weeks) it becomes clear that I’m not as confident as I appear (and I do tell them that in the beginning.) They say things like “wow – you’re a pussycat and really caring.” Which I am! Evan, can you help?
I don’t know how to switch off/tone down my confident side when I’m with a man that I’ve just met. I want to be a little more submissive so that he feels like he’s in control and I’m more of a woman, one that he feels he can protect and look after. I must have this guard up that I’m completely not aware of that says to men “back off! I don’t need you, I have my own money, business, home and I’m doing just fine, thank you!” I don’t WANT to send these signals. Yes, I’m doing OK, but I still want the Alpha male who will protect and look after me when required . How do I bring out the softer side at the attraction stage? Please, can you help? Thanks, Sian
I was on the phone with one of my Inner Circle clients last week (the Inner Circle is intimate small-group coaching that I do for women on a bi-weekly basis).
If you say whatever is on your mind, don’t wonder why men pull away.
Natalie is in her early 60’s, divorced for many years, and has a tough, no-nonsense exterior. The second I got on the phone with her, I knew that we’d either be a match made in heaven…or a match made in hell. See, after 7 years of being a dating coach, I can pretty much tell you if I can get along with – and help – any given woman. If I can’t, I don’t bother to work with her; it’s not worth her time and investment to hire me if she’s going to consistently argue with me and ignore all of my suggestions to her.
Anyway, I told this very thing to Nancy on the phone.
She immediately broke down crying. Hard exterior. Chewy nougat center.
Natalie told me that she’s made so many mistakes with men and that she just can’t HELP herself. She says whatever’s on her mind and then wonders why men pull away.