I’m Dating a Busy Divorced Man and He Hasn’t Introduced Me to His Family. What Gives?
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First of all, kudos to you for a few reasons: you’re self-aware – you’re trying to be cool, patient, and nurturing – and you’ve internalized the lessons of “Why He Disappeared.”
But one of the key points in “Why He Disappeared” is that you can do everything PERFECTLY, but if the guy is not in the right place to give, there’s nothing you can do.
This may be one of those cases.
Listen, I’m no single father, but I’ve had many clients who are single parents and are torn in a million directions. They desperately want love and stability but feel the pull of parenting responsibility and end up neglecting their love lives. It’s not my place to tell them to reprioritize. It doesn’t sound like you want to, either.
Just don’t get distracted by the secondary issue of being introduced to his family.
So what it really comes down to is this: are you satisfied with what your boyfriend can give to you? Is it okay that you never go out to dinner on proper dates? Are you content coming in third after his kids and career? You’re not wrong if you yearn for more; nor are you wrong for feeling that he’s “worth the wait.” The question is whether there’s a light at the end of the tunnel – or whether you’re just the emotional booty call who serves her purpose in his life but never really has a full-on relationship on her own terms.
The way to figure this out is to tell him – simply and coolly – that while you care about him, you’re not getting your needs met. You don’t blame him. You’re not angry with him. You just want a real-life boyfriend, who calls you every night, who has his weekends open for you, who is making a long-term investment. And right now, he doesn’t seem like that guy.
Then see what he does.
If he lets you go, you saved yourself a lot of time and angst. If he steps up to the plate, you might have yourself a boyfriend.
Just don’t get distracted by the secondary issue of being introduced to his family. As I wrote in this blog post, his failure to incorporate you into his life has far more to do with everyone else (parents, kids, etc.) than it has to do with YOU. Don’t sweat it. Don’t complain. Don’t negotiate. This part doesn’t matter now.
What matters is that you have a happy, healthy, nurturing relationship that’s slowly growing into something more. And if you suspect that it’s not growing, it’s time to walk away and find out how much he has to give to you.
Please come back and let us know how it goes.
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Related Posts:
- Am I Too Busy And Unavailable to Find Love?
- I Am Separated (And Soon To Be Divorced). How Can I Convince Women To Give Me a Chance?
- How Do I Keep My Boyfriend From Bolting After He Meets My Obnoxious Family?
- Should I Date a Man Who Isn’t Motivated To Support Himself and His Family?
- I’m Too Busy To Date. How Do I Meet Quality People If I Have No Free Time?
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38 Comments »Filed Under Dating after divorce, Dating Tips & Advice
starthrower68 1
I will agree with you Evan on the “fully integrated” advice to a point. 4 months may still be kind of soon. I’m not even sure 6 months is too long to wait. But if its coming up on a year and there is still the compartmentalizing, I’d have to rethink it. I think issue number two is a moot point, however. It’s one thing to be the cool, nurturing, patient girlfriend IF your needs ARE getting met. It’s entirely another to do that if they are NOT. It’s not being self-centered to walk away because you need more; it’s centered. Being selfish would be to demand he meet your needs and manipulate and create drama until he complies.
Joe 2
You gotta come across to him with what you want first (calmly and rationally, without sounding needy), though. Men aren’t mind readers, and if this guy is really so busy, your needs may not have even occurred to him.
JuJu 3
Possibly the most powerful dating advice I ever heard was, “Don’t date potential, date what is.”
I had a very similar experience with a man with a child from a previous marriage (right down to the family coming to visit from overseas bit), which kinda turned me off men with children entirely, but the letter writer has to ask herself why, if her needs are not being currently met, she believes they will be at some point in the future. What exactly is she expecting to change?
And yes, as Star already indicated, it’s a fine like between being “cool” and allowing yourself to be used.
Selena 4
Evan was right on the mark with this one and I also like what JuJu added: “Don’t date potential, date what IS.”
What makes you think the relationship you have now with your bf will ever change into anything different? He will still have a child. He will still have a business that requires more time than he can give to you. If what you have now is not quite enough, then I don’t see how you can expect that to become sufficient with more emotional investment on your part.
I’ll also grant you that not introducing to his parents and sister who are visiting from another country is an indication of how serious he is about you. When would he have another opportunity really?
If you enjoy the kind of loose relationship you have with this man stick with it. If you want more in the way of time and committment, he just isn’t the one for you.
Dean 5
It doesn’t matter what a man says it matter what he does.
I would advise you to move on. He sounds as though he is not ready for what you want, best wishes to you.
The Seductress 6
He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, there just isn’t enough of him to go around. Don’t settle for fragments of time in exchange for a real relationship.
You can tell him how you feel but be prepared. You may hear all the wonderful things you want to hear so that he can keep you (because he honestly cares for you) but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be able to work it all out all of a sudden.
He may step it up for a while and before you know it things are just like they are now with him telling you all the reasons why he hasn’t the time and he hates it to. You may have another ‘talk’ and the cycle continues. Before you know it, it’s a year later and you’re no farther along.
So watch what he does, not what he says and follow your gut not your logic or heart on this one. If this relationship doesn’t make you feel good, get out. Maybe when his life irons out such that he has room for a real relationship, you can reconnect.
Christie Hartman 7
In “Dating the Divorced Man,” I discuss the difference between difficult issues that “come with the territory” and those that are unacceptable. Divorced dads come with certain challenges, and many women struggle with how much to expect from one. Often, you see the type of situation we have here, where a guy under-delivers and the woman attempts to tolerate it because she doesn’t want to seem demanding or add more stress to his life. They don’t want to dare expect anything because they’re afraid someone is going to tell them, “Stop being selfish. He has a kid and a life, and they come first. If you don’t like it, too bad.” Yet, I’ve dated single dads and worked with plenty of women dating them, and they’ve all managed to deliver more than this dude has. Fatherhood and careerdom don’t excuse a man from from doing the minimum required to maintain a relationship. He says she’s his “girlfriend.” Bullshit.
It’s okay to be a lower priority early on when dating a guy with kids, an ex, a business, and all that. But, over time, your priority score should begin to rise. Hers hasn’t. He’s totally marginalized her. Evan’s advice is good: tell him what you need, and see if he delivers. If he doesn’t, dump him. I guarantee you there are plenty of better divorced dads out there who won’t make you feel like a dirty secret.
JB 8
Ahh yes the wonderful world of dating someone with kids when you don’t have any.You’ll always be 3rd thru 6th on the list of priorites.If I had a buck for every time I’ve told my friends “I’m dating a busy divorced woman with children and I’m not getting my needs met” I’d be a very rich man.For men it’s vastly different as most women have custody and barely get one night a week to date if that.Yet there’s millions of them all over the internet swearing they have “time for a relationship”…lol
I’m wondering how old this woman is and if she’s ready to deal with the fact that after a certain age the percentage of single men that aren’t
divorced with kids keeps dwindling especially over 40 so like me, she’ll just have to learn to deal with it or wait until Mr.Childless comes along.
Goldie 9
This kind of bugs me: “he told me very quickly (in month one) that he considered me his girlfriend.” Does this mean what I think it means? Has he told her that she is now committed to him? Shouldn’t he have asked her instead if she’d agree that they’re boyfriend and girlfriend? And then, after marking her as his territory, he continues to give her the bare minimum of his time?
And another thing. I am myself a divorced mom, and most men I’ve been involved with are divorced dads and/or single dads. I agree that there isn’t much free time to go around. But what everyone tries to do, in my experience, is to meet each other halfway. Each side accomodates the other person’s time constraints, and both try to find the time/activities that will work for both of them. I did not see this kind of give and take in this woman’s letter. It looks more like the guy keeps his schedule intact just the way it was before he had a girlfriend, yet expects her to be at his beck and call and to show up at a minute’s notice. Not a foundation for a healthy relationship, IMO. She has a life, too. He needs to show some respect.
Goldie 10
@ JB #8, as one 70-year-old mother of four told me a long time ago, “there is life on the other end of children”. Mine (and many of my friends’) are just a few years away from being out of the house
Selena 11
@Christie #7
I really like that phrase “under-delivers”.
Definitely something to evaluate.
Diana 12
I wonder, based on this part ~ “Also, we haven’t been out on a proper ‘date’ since the first one: we usually spend time at each others’ houses, whenever he gets a free moment” ~ if this isn’t just a convenient way for the guy to get the quick treat he wants, without having to invest in a real relationship.
While it’s totally understandable the life-demanding situation he’s in, and her understanding, patience and tolerance is good ~ she also has to set boundaries. This getting together only on a whim whenever he has a free moment is setting a tone, and it’s not respectful of what she may also have going on in her life. And even if her life is pretty flexible and carefree, setting boundaries helps to reset the tone toward not being taken advantage of or for granted.
Molly@Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce 13
I am a single parent that dates. Frankly I don’t have a problem balancing someone in my life. If I like the person, they become a priority along with everything else I do. Yes, I am a woman, but I agree with the other comments and Evan’s remarks that that is not an excuse to marginalize you from his life.
But only you know how you feel. If you like the guy enough to give him the space to figure out how to incorporate you more into his life, then great. Everyone makes commitments in their own time.
Aplus 14
I don’t know, maybe he just isn’t ready for a full blown relationship. He likes you but does not want to hurt your feelings, tell him how you feel and go from there.
Steve 15
It isn’t just single parents. You find a lot of people who are too busy to build a relationship with online dating. People married to their jobs, traveling, etc. If they are too busy to date, they are too busy for a relationship.
JB 16
9/17/10
@Goldie #10 “There is life on the other end of children”.
I do know this because now that I’m in my late 40′s a lot(but not all) of the women I deal with on and offline are entering this phase and I look for that and it IS a major factor when I meet or deal with women online. I hate to trot it out in the first couple of emails because women sometimes get weird about it.But I want to know HOW MANY? and HOW OLD? they are so I can assess the situation properly and know what I may be dealing with.Some women put it right in their profile and some don’t.
I met a woman for a drink Saturday night that almost didn’t want to because she didn’t want to leave her 16 yr. old son home alone. Huh ???
She called me back and we met anyway but it made me wonder….is this what I’m going to be dealing with if I continue to date her?? A 16 yr.old that needs a baby sitter??? She’s kidding right??
Goldie 17
@ JB #16 re mom of a 16-year-old.
I can only think of three options:
1) special-needs kid;
2) one of those very very popular kids that will throw a party, invite a hundred people, and serve them alcohol, the instant his mom steps out of the house;
3) maybe she’s just close with her son and didn’t want to leave him alone on a Saturday night, especially since she probably only spends every other Saturday with him?
Hard for me to tell, as this doesn’t apply to me at all – I have two geeky boys. If I’m home, sometimes they’ll come out of their rooms for a chat. If not, they’ll either be on their computers or talk to each other. I think she should’ve elaborated to you a bit as to the reasons why. “I don’t want to leave my 16yo home alone” isn’t exactly self-explanatory. Pretty confusing, in fact.
starthrower68 18
Well, as Evan always says, if you’re going to eliminate and entire group of people based on something, i.e. single parents, then you elimininate a large section of the dating pool. And that’s fine, it’s ok to make that choice. But Evan also teaches to learn to work with reality instead of rail against it. We live in a world where the number of single parents is starting to overtake the number of married ones.
Diana 19
To JB, she may have been concerned that he might skip out for the night, or have troublesome friends over, etc.; basically, get into hot water. Maybe she didn’t offer an explanation because she didn’t want to give you the impression that her son can be a handful, although voicing her concern about leaving him would sure make you wonder. I can think of many 16 year-old’s who need a babysitter.
Christie Hartman 20
I definitely wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater in terms of dating single parents. They’ll vary tremendously depending on how many kids, their ages, how much parenting time they have, their relationship with their ex, their parenting style, and how ready they are to date. And it depends on gender too: as many of the men here have said, single moms tend to have the kids more and have less free time. They also tend to have a more difficult time giving themselves “permission” to date. With single dads, the ex, and her control over him and the kids, can be an issue.
happygirl 21
Reading this particular issue..It is my opinon that your boyfriend is not ready nor does he seem to have or make the time for you. If you say that he made time for his family….then there is free time.
I would take Evan’s advice and approach the subject without blaming. See what he does. If in the early stages of building a relationship your needs are not met what makes you think it will get better over time??
I would say move on….
Selena 22
If you can’t leave your 16 yr. old home alone long enough to go out for a drink, for any reason…how can you you hope to have a relationship?
BeenThereDoneThat 23
My kids are teenagers. I don’t mind leaving them to date but I would have issues if I left them every night of the week to be dating. And, even though they are teenagers, if one of them was sick and I had a date scheduled, I’d cancel the date and stay home. And even then, its not that they can’t be home alone; I certainly leave them home alone sick while I’m at work. It just wouldn’t set well with my conscience to be on a date while my child (even a teenager) was sick.
Sam 24
This is a great topic with some great advice; it would be nice to see some more topics about dating people who are divorced – don’t see that much.
Karl R 25
The letter writer said:
“he told me very quickly (in month one) that he considered me his girlfriend.”
Goldie said: (#9)
“Does this mean what I think it means? Has he told her that she is now committed to him? Shouldn’t he have asked her instead if she’d agree that they’re boyfriend and girlfriend?”
I interpret that statement very differently. I started referring to my current girlfriend as “my girlfriend” about two months before she started referring to me as her ”boyfriend.” This occurred well before any explicit agreement that my girlfriend and I were dating exclusively.
A couple years before that, I was dating two women non-exclusively (and they were both aware of that). I referred to both of them as girlfriends (mostly in conversations with third parties).
I use the word “girlfriend” as a convenience. It’s a fast, easy way to describe my relationship to that person, especially in conversations with people that don’t know her.
My current girlfriend, on the other hand, tended to treat the exact nature of our relationship as private for the first few months that we were together. She would introduce me as her “dance partner.” I was amused by this understatement, since I was spending five nights a week at her house … which is not something I do with the dozens of other women I consider to be dance partners of mine.
In this case, not only is the boyfriend’s meaning unclear, but his expectations are unclear as well. While we can infer that he hoped that she considered him to be her girlfriend, I don’t believe we can assume that he expected her to consider him that way.
JB 26
I think in my particular situation the woman I’m dating is a little paranoid because she did mention to me that she has a friend who she said had been “dating too much” and neglecting the”parenting”and now her kids’ grades have suffered and he’s getting into all kinds of trouble. So it is a fine line single parents walk and like Christie says there are many many variables in all of these situations.
Selena 27
Some people call whoever they are going out with their boyfriend/girlfriend – regardless of how casual, or brief the relationship. For others the “title” comes with a deeper level of committment.
Maybe when this guy told her he considered her his girlfriend, he meant he wasn’t dating anyone else, or wanted to? But wasn’t necessarily committed to her?
I wouldn’t consider myself someone’s girlfriend if I had yet to meet their child. And after 4 mos. as the girlfriend, I would expect to be introduced to their visiting family as well. The LW’s guy might have a much looser interpretation of what a girlfriend is than I do.
Chris 28
Does this guy say “I love you”? Does he talk about plans for the future? Does he seem concerned when you’ve had a bad day?
If he is kind and tender when you’re together, I can understand not introducing you to his child and his family.
When I was single I became slower and slower to ask girls to meet my parents. It had nothing to do with the quality of the girls themselves, but until I was 100% sure we were a couple and we were going to last, I gradually waited longer and longer to start bringing a girl to family events.
It was about protecting myself from the embarrassment of having to admit to my parents that I had had another break up. I wanted to spare my parents the the bad feelings they might suffer if they welcomed another girl into our family, treated her to dinner, and then had her disappear.
My near-financee is the best girl I ever dated and is perfect from a parental point of view (and a boyfriend’s), but I didn’t introduce her to my parents until we were together for almost six months. I loved her dearly, but I needed to be sure about Us before I intregrated her into my family.
Fawn 29
I found myself putting up with this once upon a time… turns out the guy was still stuck on his ex and was spending all his “free” time with her. Time to break out the hard questions and find out what’s really going on.
Diane 30
I like Christie’s posts and feedback.
Personally, I live by “It’s not what they say, it’s what they DO”–this has to do witih men, friends, business associates, etc.
This guy just seem to be where he needs to be in regard to starting a real relationship. Why not just date this guy casually if she likes him that much? Date other men, have a full life…he’s only one guy.
It’s awkward incorporating a new woman into a man’s life including his children’s life. He may not be ready for that. Could also be that he’s not really moved beyond the divorce.
Although everyone is different, I believe a good timeline for men to be ready to be in another relationship after a divorce is 3 years. (The ‘problem’ with lots of men though is when they are ready, they are ready. They end up with the first decent woman that crosses their path, and often put up with a lot of crap to see that it works.)
Katarina Phang 31
I’m dating a divorced single dad right now (son is with him unless every other weekend). I’m going to spend time with him this weekend and 3 days with his 5 year old son (we only met 2 weeks ago and he lives in a different city).
I know and make it very clear from the get go that I understand where his priority lies (his son) and don’t expect otherwise. And he’s busy juggling so much but as for now makes time to text, email and call every few days. I never really initiated calls though and I don’t feel the need to.
I got my first “scare” yesterday when my “womanly” curious questions were being somehow interpreted that I was a jealous and possessive type. Lucky I straightened that out telling him women talk/ask questions to share and bond and show interest (not checking on him) while men talk to convey a point. We are interested in the process, them in the bottom line.
I must say, as someone who’s dealing with these differences in men vs. women on a daily basis, I’m rather embarrassed that I wasn’t aware that my feminine chatty curiosity would have been misinterpreted.
I’m trying to hold myself back as Evan always advises to let him come to you and if he’s interested he will. So far he has really shown how eager he is to know me better and he’s the first date I feel really invested in. Problem is women -once they are hooked- tend to overfunction and overanalyze and ruin what that started so great. I don’t want to be another statistic.
JuJu 32
Katarina, #31: maybe I am misinterpreting what happened there, but it kinda seems to me that it was the man’s reaction to your questions that was a red flag, and not your questions in and of themselves. Without knowing the details it just seems a little paranoid.
Katarina Phang 33
Juju, we were talking about our sexual fantasy, etc…and the subject of bringing another person came up and I showed some jealousy -I admit- maybe a few times and and on top of that I asked him questions of what will he do that day, with whom, etc. I happened to have asked that sort of questions routinely, not because I wanted to check in with him but because that’s what we women do (we love chit-chats).
I made him understand the difference between men and women and he understood for the most part.
Last night he blurted out, “I love you” for the first time. Two weeks later, and only after spending one night together. I was taken by surprise, didn’t see it coming at all. Not that soon.
We can’t wait to spend time together tomorrow for a few days.
Aquarius 34
Though I know this post is almost a year old, I just can’t help but ask, does the guy you’re talking about happen to be a civil engineer who would be age 39 by now????????? Because I swear, your issue sounds like the same exact issue I’ve been dealing with lately and I just recently broke up with the guy… I couldn’t take it anymore. He fits your exact description, it’s eerie!
AQ 35
Evan what about this economy? I just started dating a guy who is smitten with me and who really stepped up to make us exclusive and go out a lot. But then work blew up on him – they have a huge deadline and way too much work. One day he even had to take a powernap before our date and the last time we were together he was too tired and went home early. Now I am stuck in a relationship where he sends a text if he can get out early and we go out – once or twice a week – with no other calls – he worked all weekend and never called. I can’t do that if it is going to go on too long. I guess I have to say what you said – I want a relationship that is going to grow where I get calls every night and a date on the weekend and plans. UGH. I did not sign up for this!! My point about the economy is that it is rough – he was laid off and then started a new job that is like a start up. It took me 7 months of online dating to find this one.
boitumelo 36
I feel 4 months is so short to start pushing your expectations buttons. My point is if the guy is showing the interest stick around. At this point in time there are many issues that are goingon in his mind and in his world. Remember he has lost a family i.e his wife by what ever reasons and at this juncture he is working on the trust issues of the opposite sex. That in my case is you. Allow him to revive it and at the same time keep on enjoying your life and let him come to you naturally. Otherwise if you push to get answers you may be working towards a failed relationship of which have you given it time to gain oxygen it would have grown and blossomed. Honestly speaking dating a divorcee is a big big challenge. It takes time for the relationship to unfold. Here, faith and trust is required bigtime. Best of luck my friend..
Joe 37
AQ: if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were the one being tired and overworked, would you want your boyfriend to kick you to the curb?
amy 38
I’m the ex-wife.
You are dating a responsible man, but you don’t sound too responsible yourself, and if my ex were dating you, I’d be concerned. Because you sound selfish, and a selfish stepmom who wants to come first is not what my kid needs.
He hasn’t introduced you at 4 months? Good. He shouldn’t, it’s too soon. He doesn’t want to introduce you before he has a pretty good idea that this is going to stick for years and years. Why? Because he’s a responsible father, and he’s not going to expose his son to chronic heartbreak. The son’s already been through a divorce. He doesn’t need to get attached to serial girlfriends who disappear and break his heart again. That destroys a child’s sense of trust.
Get this, Sally: When you date a single parent, the relationship’s not about you. That person’s priority is — as it should be — raising and supporting a child. You already had your turn: someone else already made your childhood their priority. When you date a parent, your job is to be a grownup, every single day. If you can’t handle that, don’t date parents.
Instead of pouting, look ahead down the road a little. You know who’s on the other side of that kid? Someone like me. Someone with legal rights in how that child’s treated. If you go ahead and marry this man, not only will you come behind the child and his job, you’ll sometimes come behind me. Part of your household income will go to me. Your schedule will be in part determined by mine. You’ll have to watch your step a bit around my kid, because if untoward things are going on and I find out, I’ll raise holy hell. You’ll have, incidentally, no legal rights in the situation. Read up about stepparenting before you go on another date with this fellow, because if you keep on, that’s what you’re headed for. It’s one of the most trying positions a person can be in, and there are no holidays from it.
Just yesterday I was on the phone with a good friend, a stepmom, who has no idea who’s going to be living in her house or when or for how long. Her husband’s ex has a drinking problem, and after some incidents they don’t know who’s going to have the kids or when; what school the kids will go to; etc. And meanwhile the kids area starting to have problems, so now her house will likely be home to two troubled kids who take things out on her and her son sometimes — and she is very, very limited in what she can do in response.
Think hard. This is not a free man that you’re dating. This is a father. You’re a bright spot in his life. But baby, if you stay with him, prepare to work hard, and prepare to come last over and over again. And if you try to push ahead in line — taking his attention away from the child, trying to pull back support/medical money, wanting to move away — expect significant pushback from the likes of me.