Comments on: I Am Falling In Love With a Man Who Is Finalizing His Divorce. Should I Back Off or Can This Work Out?

By: Kimberly

Kimberly — Sun, 21 Apr 2013 16:04:40 +0000

I am in exactly the same situation. I met a man online who is separated. We casually dated for 3 months and around month 4 decided to become “exclusive”. The relationship quickly escalated and we became very close to each other until he decided that he was too scared to continue with the committment part… His divorce is complicated but is now nearing the finish line; his marriage was loveless and sexless, so I was hopeful that our relationship would be welcomed and not make him scared – alas, I was wrong. Now, he tells me that he wants me in his life, thinks that I am the perfect woman for him, that he loves me, but just cannot commit to me. I am still seeing him on a regular basis while trying to protect myself and my heart which is proving to be nearly impossible. This is the “risk tolerance” part that EMK aludes to with the LW…

By: Catherine

Catherine — Tue, 05 Mar 2013 02:21:39 +0000

It is a mistake to think in terms of amount of time. The last guy I dated had been separated for two years. We dated for four. That was two years ago. He is STILL married!! Not that they are not really separated it’s just they can’t come to a settlement. He said he left his wife because she became addicted to video games and wouldn’t work or clean house anymore. After dating me and some other woman, he finally came to the realization that she might have become depressed because he was too critical, thereby turning to video games to escape. So he started trying to work on being less critical with me, but still didn’t want to commit in any way shape or form. Oh, keep that in mind if the divorced man in a long term marriage complains his wife changed for the worse somehow, the man may have influenced it. But that is off topic slightly. Anyway..yes they will date but who wouldn’t be commitment shy after a bad marriage they are still struggling to get out of?

By: Sara

Sara — Sun, 22 Jul 2012 20:15:19 +0000

I’m in a similar situation with a twist. Eight years ago I had a breakup with a man who was the love of my life. It was an amicable breakup: we just couldn’t get over one huge difference. I wanted children, he didn’t. It was an insurmountable problem, so we parted, very sad, very much in love but knowing there was no way round this. We stayed friends and several months later he met someone else and married her in under a year. We stayed in touch – talking maybe half a dozen times a year on the phone and seeing each other for coffee maybe once or twice a year. Now, they’re getting divorced. It’s ugly, messy, she came home a month ago and demanded a divorce, hundreds of thousands of dollars etc. and the car. The marriage was always bad it seems – they slept in separate rooms within a year of getting married. She never worked, he spent a ton of money on her and now she’s getting nasty and trying to take everything. He called me when this all fell apart and we’ve spent a LOT of time together. I see him two to three times a week – sometimes just for coffee, sometimes we just chat about anything but her. We also talk on the phone every day and email. But he’s a wreck right now and I’m not sure if he just sees me as a helpful friend – a shoulder to lean on during these tough times. For me, all those feelings from 8 years ago are back with a vengeance. I am still deeply in love with him and I thought I was over him. Clearly I’m not. Given his awful marriage (she got a Green Card through him) and divorce he may swear off women forever. We have always been open and honest with each other and we’ve come back to spending time together and connecting in the same way we did 8 years ago. Now, I can’t have children anyway so the kid thing is moot. But I no longer know if he still has those kind of feelings for me that I have for him or if he just sees me as a friend he can trust. I don’t want to abandon him right now but I also don’t want to get invested in him again if he doesn’t have any feelings beyond platonic ones left for me. Maybe he’s spending time with me and those feelings are coming back to him (although he’s in no place to act on them and neither would I right now). But I wish I knew if he were thinking about me as more than a friend even if he’s clearly not ready to act on it yet. I want to be there for him but I also want to protect myself. If I landed up being hurt by the same person twice by discovering he just doesn’t feel “that” way about me anymore even I wouldn’t have any sympathy for me! I have no idea what to do.

By: Vina Guardado

Vina Guardado — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:11:26 +0000

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By: Chloe

Chloe — Mon, 05 Sep 2011 00:51:31 +0000

Hello All,

It’s been intersting reading about your dilemmas with seperated men. I too am going through a similar situation. I was dating a seperated man for the last year. It started out as friends, soon turned to what we jokingly called friends with benefits. We were both going through a hard time, and my loneliness allowed me to get involved with him, even though I saw all the red flags, and found out so many after we started sleeping together, like his horrible financial situation, wife problems etc. And the benefits were weren’t that great for me.

So, I was desperate for companionship, I realize this and so was he. I tried to fix him, waste of my time, I know, and he certainly didn’t like to hear the truth from me about his irresponsibilites etc (he’s not young, in his late 50′s). But, we hung in there and as a woman, my heart got more attached even though I know he isn’t life partner material, but unfortunatley the heart still gets attached, of course there were many good things and good times too.

Recently, I told him I don’t want to be a FWB, and I want more. I would have even settled for an I love you, but he thinks that would complicate things, ha! So, I realized after 9 months of being intimately involved that I was getting too involved and would be in trouble if I continued. Now, I’m dealing with the grieving of that decision. I don;t impagine any one of you would disagree with my decision, but it’s still hard to process.

However, I also wanted to share a success story that happened to one of my friends (not a friend of a friend), a real life tale and I hope Casey reads this too. By the way, Casey, I do feel for you, it’s hard to beleive in what seems like a miracle (guy will come back) and I doubt it too, perhaps even harder when you’ve been intimate (although you would think it shouldn’t be so)

Anyways, my friend, met a man, a very good catch I might add, who was interested in her and was going through a divorce. She told him that she will not date him until he is fully divorced. They proceeded to be friends and he did not see other women. He told her she was worth the wait (music to our ears). They were friends for 9 months, hung out a lot, lauged alot (not even a kiss was exchanged in that time). After nine months when he divorce was complete, they started dating and got married two years later!!

She said to me “When he told me I was worth it, it told me a lot about his character”. I love the story and I love my friend who must have had such amazing confidence to be able to stick to her guns. She had been hurt before too, but how many times do we really change?

By: AB

AB — Tue, 26 Apr 2011 01:53:09 +0000

I met one online too, said he was single. In our first phone chat i asked how long hed been divorced and the answer was 6 years.
Two months later I am walking in my closest friends garden with them and him , and friend says , “How long have you been divorced?” he says ” Separated for 6 years now , not actually divorced” . I tripped over a hay bale !
I lost my sexy REAL quick . See he was conflicted , still caught up in the domestic fairytale he had in his marriage , its demise , and the reasons he had never addressed , but really WANTED me to fix all that for him. After pinning him down about the lack of divorce he assured me he would work on it next time he was in his home country but it was tricky due to the financial declarations needed , huh ??
Turned out he also owed his Government hundreds of thousands of dollars…DELETE !
I did however learn to ask the question up front and eye to eye , Are you divorced? How long since ? hows youir relationship with the ex? etc..
I wont date a married man until the divorce , and that means a year of separation by law here . It also means any one still sharing homes with the ex is a definite NO WAY for me.

By: SS

SS — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 21:21:55 +0000

I should have found this thread about eight years ago.
Because I briefly lived in an area where people married young — and divorced young — I was totally unprepared when I dated a recently divorced man. He was 33, I was 25 and because of my relative youth and naivete, I believed everything he said about being over his ex-wife.
They had “only” been married four years, there were no kids, he talked about how much healthier he was emotionally… I fell for him and although we didn’t date long, he began to waver when I said I was looking for a long-term relationship.
Suddenly, he was forced to recognize that he wasn’t ready for another long-term relationship like he thought he was. He said I had done nothing wrong and that my behavior and expectations were perfectly normal for a girlfriend, but he wasn’t ready to be a boyfriend.
He still wanted to maintain a friendship though, and I went along with it for about a month until I realized that it was all to be on HIS terms. He’d see me when he was lonely/bored/needing company, but wouldn’t do the same for me. He’d call when HE felt like it, not when he promised to. That was boyfriend/girlfriend stuff (calling at the time he said he’d call), and I’d been demoted to “friend” who had to understand that he was busy and would call whenever he decided to.
No, he didn’t state it that bluntly, but I remember this was a man who was never late for dates, who would apologize if he called 15 minutes after the time he said he would call me, who would call me in the car driving to work or meet me for breakfast when we were dating… suddenly it was, “Oh, you’re my friend, and my other friends understand that I get busy.”

I did myself a big favor and cut off all communication. Best thing I ever did.
But I then started to wonder if I had some kind of Recently Divorced/Separated Man magnet on my forehead because they kept coming. And I wasn’t even in the traditional age range in which I’d expect to meet a lot of men coming out of marriages.
I really grew to despise these men because they were all the same. I fell for the game one more time — partially because I listened to women who kept saying that I was being too hasty and that I should give these men a chance, and each time, my suspicions proved correct.
After that, no man who had been divorced for less than a year got a second date from me. Definitely no separated men. And if they asked me why, I told them the truth… “You have no business trying to date anyone right now. You are recently divorced, you have no idea what you want and the last thing you need to do is try to get in another relationship.”

Yes, it might have been mean and reflective of my own past hurts, but at that time, I didn’t care. I felt like no one ever called these men out on their mess and even if it didn’t change them one bit with another woman, at least they knew exactly how I read them. A few came back and told me years later that I was absolutely right.

By: Denise

Denise — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 20:22:13 +0000

#60 Brenda

Totally agree! No one really who is recently separated is in the right state of mind to start a REAL new relationship, they haven’t processed the old relationship yet, and that takes time. I think that we BELIEVE we are ready (and I am included in that!)…

I dated a man who was divorced twice and his therapist told him it’s an average of 3 years for a man to ‘recover’ from a divorce. Some never do…

By: Brenda

Brenda — Mon, 10 Jan 2011 19:15:12 +0000

Christie Hartman hit the nail on the head. (I’ve got to get her book) – I dated a man who was divorced 6 months, wanted exclusivity with me, and within 2 weeks of my agreeing to be exclusive, he poofed, sent me an email saying he wasn’t ready to be dating, was going to “work on” himself, go to his “groups” and voila, one day later, back on the dating website where we met.

My advice – wait until the man has been divorced at least two years, if not longer!

By: Kat

Kat — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 16:39:31 +0000

I am in this SAME situation. I met a wonderful guy on a dating website and we hit it off immediately.
Blame it on the fact he said he was SINGLE or the fact that he is from another country and thus speaks English as a second language, but I just figured out that he was not fully divorced yet. I asked if we could be Facebook friends after dating for five months. He said, “I don’t know why you want to do that, but okay, I have nothing to hide.”
Then he gave me a “guided tour” of his pictures. He was at some event barely a year ago that he said he’d attended with his ex-wife. When I saw the dates on the photos, I said, “Wow, that was just last summer. How soon after that were you divorced?” He said, “Very soon.”
I pressed him to tell me–very simply–if he was SEPARATED or DIVORCED. He would NOT give me a straight answer. He even said, “You know all about it.” I told him I didn’t and that’s why I was asking.
I am seeking a long-term relationship that will lead to marriage or co-habitation. I am tired of second-guessing myself when I know my gut instincts are right. I am obviously a REBOUND girl.
Rather than submit to the torture of wondering, I asked him where he was and he pretty much said, “I only want to date you, but I don’t want anything too serious.” After five months, I don’t want to waste anymore time. I’m 41 and NOT desperate, but not willing to waste time with someone who will never return my affections the way I need them to be returned. I was not in a serious relationship for two years previously because I was still processing out of a divorce and knew I was not ready for a serious relationship. Now I am.
I am going to break up with him tonight. It’s killing me because he is a wonderful guy in many ways, but in many other ways, he just isn’t what I need and I don’t think he ever will be.
I’ve learned a lot of from this relationship. I have learned that not being true to yourself will always lead to heartbreak–but you’ll actually be the one breaking your OWN heart, not getting it broken by someone ELSE.
I’m going to give myself a few weeks off from dating, but I see no need not to plug on after a break. I have a lot to offer to the right guy (or guys–I do believe I’m compatible with a great variety of men and that there is no “ONE” but several really amazing guys out there).
I think the key here is to trust yourself. You know your own needs better than anyone else. I could continue meeting his needs (regular sex, companionship, fun), but I’d be voiding my own needs in the process while accepting only part of what I need. I might have been okay with that when I was 21, but I’m a grown woman now who definitely needs more.